


Someday (I Will Understand)

by AlmayCorazon



Series: Our Day Will Come Series [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-11-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 50
Words: 360,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25508866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmayCorazon/pseuds/AlmayCorazon
Summary: Knees pressed to the ground, dirt in my lungs. I cried into the the Earth wishing that B's time machine actually worked. This is the story of my survival..so forgive the triggers cuz it gets pretty intense, even for me.
Relationships: Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Series: Our Day Will Come Series [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867795
Comments: 68
Kudos: 15





	1. Fade To Black (Metallica)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This story has been a labor of love for me and I couldn't just let them go off into the sunset. I warn you that what is ahead is rough and gritty. I apologize for any hurt it may cause in advance. Expect every trigger that I haven't hit yet. Especially right now, I can't change the whole story so just know that death is front and center in this sequel. If you're not ready for that, come back when you are. I'm here if you need to talk. Te Prometo! A/U (and obviously I don't own Glee)

_"So, what'd you think, doc?"_ I asked the therapist that had been a thorn in my side for the last 28 days.

_"I think that you have made some amazing strides in your recovery. What do you think, Santana?"_

I picked at my fingernails and wished for the millionth time that I had a nail file, but Britt had told me that I didn't need the distraction. So, my nails were ragged now and if I wasn't grossed out by the idea, I would have started biting them. Instead I've let them grow and plan to, instead scratch B's back when we finally fuck again.

My hormones were on overdrive and I had nothing by my own fingers to satisfy myself and with my nails like claws, that's been difficult.

Dr. Stone cleared her throat and I smiled at her, forgetting her question among the many thoughts swirling through my mind. After this session, I was going to be getting discharged and I had already mentally checked out.

_"I think that this was a great a use of my money. I think that I can exist outside of cocaine and my dependency on outside people to validate my own strength or struggles. I know that I need to anchor myself in more tangible things and while I should be relying on people, it's quite alright to use my little nugget to sustain me during this time of transition."_

_"You sound like you're just parroting what I've told you right back at me."_

I shrugged and crossed my arms over my chest. _"And? You had some really good points and I have chosen to agree with you. Is that so wrong?"_

_"Not if you genuinely mean it, no."_

_"Well I do. My first time around, I came here just so that Britt would allow me to see my son. I came here because I felt guilty for all that I had done...for nearly...you know, killing him. Now, I feel differently. I would slay fucking dragons for my children, I'd give them my life, my organs, and every cent of my money to see them happy."_

_"And?"_

_"And I've learned that I have to take care of myself. Put on my own mask before putting on his, so to speak."_

_"Precisely, you cannot help your kids if you don't continue to help yourself."_

The timer on her watch went off and I dropped my hands back into my lap, feeling the heaviness that had been over me, lifting.

This time I'd be different.

It was well past time to be a better person, inside and out.

When I walked out from the rehab center, Britt stood there with a dopey smile on her face and a bouquet of red roses.

 _"Hey."_ I said.

 _"Hey."_ Her voice sounded hoarse, but she kept smiling.

I leaned up into her lips and could taste the saltiness of dried up tears on her lips.

_"You okay, baby?"_

_"Yeah, I'm just really happy to see you."_

I nodded, not sure if I believed her but trying my best not to default to the negative.

 _"Where's Isaac?"_ I asked, and she stared at me for a long moment and then cleared her throat.

_"He's at home with Quinn, are you hungry at all?"_

_"I could eat."_

_"Good, how about We Lime?"_

_"Sounds perfect."_

I sniffed the flowers as I held tight to Britt's hand, trying my best to just take things a moment at a time.

When we were in the car, she seemed to cheer up almost immediately. She turned up the stereo and danced in her seat as we made our way to West Lima.

Maybe she was just having a moment.

Maybe she WAS just happy to see me.

* * *

When we pulled up to We Lime, Britt turned to me and smiled.

She held her hand out to me and I put my hand in hers.

_"Sorry about the tears, I really did miss you and I want everything to be perfect. I got overwhelmed, I'm on this new medicine and it makes me cry all the time."_

_"You're sure that's all?"_

_"Yes, Lolli."_

We walked into We Lime together and there sitting in a large booth smiling at us was Quinn with her casted leg propped up on a chair. She cradled my sleeping son in her arms as she watched us come closer.

There sat Ian just across from her, his eyes searched mine once we were closer and then he stood up.

 _"Is it alright, can I hug you?"_ He asked, and I nodded.

_"Of course, I'd be offended if you didn't hug me."_

He sighed with relief and then wrapped me up in his arms tightly before dropping a kiss on the top of my head.

Once we were settled, with me just next to Q, trying my damndest not to wake up Isaac, Britt picked up a menu and began humming to herself.

It seemed that her tears were really just a passing storm.

Thank God because the moment I had seen them I thought of my last time leaving rehab and how she had made that day hell for me.

* * *

Lunch went smoothly and before I knew it, Britt was helping Quinn into Ian's car while I was buckling Isaac into his car seat. My son smiled up at me, I felt a restlessness settle within me the moment his eyes were on mine, I knew for a fact that I'd be riding in the backseat with him. When Britt got into the car, the sadness is in her eyes again for a flash of second before she turned towards the front and it made my skin tight.

Like an omen or something but I had to relax.

Trust.

I swallowed my panic and focused on Isaac. He was staring at me and when I spoke to him his eyes lit up.

_"Hi, mi'jo, you're getting so big. I'm so excited for everything ahead of us and to give you baths, to read to you, to sing to you...Mami wants to be here for it all. I don't want to miss a thing, I'm sorry I had to go away for a while."_

He smiled at me and my heart melted. Gone were my worries over Britt and what she may have been up to because frankly, I didn't really care, not when the most amazing baby in the world was looking at me like I hung the moon. Britt turned up the music and continued bopping along. I sang to the music as I brushed my thumb across Isaac's forehead until his eyes got heavy.

Just as he was falling asleep, we pulled up outside the apartment.

Britt carried the car seat and I followed anxiously, I had yet to adjust to being home and I could feel the shake in my bones.

I chalked it up to excitement and didn't think too much about it.

The apartment was immaculate and now had markings of a baby living here, it was the best improvement that could have happened.

 _"Do you want to put him to bed with me?"_ Britt asked, and I nodded, following her as she changed his diaper before settling him into the bassinet that sat on her side of the bed now. She grabbed his monitor and then I followed her out of the room.

_"Where are we going?"_

_"Shower."_

_"Um...okay."_

Something about the way she was acting was like before...back when I was still getting high and she was trying to butter me up and I was not a fan, but I decided to roll with it.

When I see Britt naked for the first time in a month, I'm surprised to see fading scratches on her back and I can tell by the way she washes herself with her back to me that she isn't aware they are there. When she turned to face me, her face was awash with so much emotion but now that I was so close to her, I could see that she was tired.

_"How's it been, with Isaac?"_

_"He's the best part of my day and night. He's a night owl like you."_

_"And his breathing?"_ I traced my fingers over her hips and up her side, looking for more signs that someone else had been here with her but aside from the scratches, she was unblemished. I had to trust her, there was no other way right now. Frankie was in California and if she'd fucked with someone in Lima, it would only be so long before I found out.

_"So far, so good. I have taken him to his check-ups and while Mari was here, she checked him over too. He's delayed in his growth but that's to be expected."_

_"And how about you, how are you doing?"_

_"I haven't talked to her...she...didn't return any of my calls."_ I nodded, smirking as I remembered the last time that I had seen Frankie.

_"Oh, okay. What I mean is, how are you doing on this new medication and is there a reason they changed it?"_

_"It makes me tired but won't let me sleep."_

_"Pobrecita, how can I help?"_

_"Cuddles?"_ She asked poking out her lip and the look in her eyes for just a moment was my Brittany and I relented.

_"Do you need me to take the reins for a bit and let you rest?"_

She looked worried as she chewed on her lip, I used my thumb to wrestle it from between her teeth and then kissed the poor abused thing.

_"That's not too much for you?"_

_"No, B. I want to take care of our son, nothing in this world would make me happier. So just say the word."_

Only she didn't have to because the baby monitor chirped and then I heard him begin to cry. Britt's face broke apart and I knew this was my chance. _"Say less, baby. Finish your shower, put the leftovers from lunch in the fridge. I'll take care of him."_

_"Thank you!"_

* * *

I rushed out of the shower, throwing my robe on and then rushing to see what the little cutie needed.

By the time I got to him, I could smell the problem and then when I picked him up, I could see the problem.

I stripped his clothes and diaper off and tossed them in the soiled crib before turning back towards the bathroom with a poop covered baby.

Britt was humming as I pulled back the shower curtain.

 _"What on Earth?"_ She muttered.

 _"Poop explosion."_ I said, _"You hold him, and I'll wash him up."_

She took him, and I took off my robe before climbing back in, his washcloth and soap was thankfully in arms reach. He was smiling as I washed him up and a few times, I could see Britt smirking too. This is what it felt like to be a team and I could tell this was exactly what she needed.

 _"Thank you."_ I said to her once he was squeaky clean. Then I washed myself before grabbing a towel and wrapping him up.

 _"Aren't you going to get a towel for yourself?"_ B asked as she turned off the water.

 _"Nah, I want to get him settled, I'll air dry."_ I said, smiling up at her and not even that got my full bubbly Britt to come out. I was starting to hate whatever medicine this was, it made her so dazed and not in the silly way. This Britt just seemed downright depressed.

My son was alert now and I knew for a fact that now that I was in his sight, he wasn't going to go down easily. Britt looked like a zombie and I had two choices, let her be the one to chillax with him while I cleaned us shit or have her clean it and from the look on her face, I could tell that she had cleaned her fair share of shit already.

So, while she got dressed, I lotioned the baby and then got him into fresh jammies. Britt came in with an empty laundry basket and wearing rubber gloves, but I shook my head.

_"Let me clean up the bassinet while you hang out with this little trouble maker. Just rest B, once I get this cleaned up, I'll make him a bottle and put him to bed."_

_"You don't have to do all that, I'm here."_

I wanted to call her out on that fact because it didn't really feel like she was here, but this didn't feel like the time for that. Therapy had taught me to confront things with Britt head on and while I did that with the world, it had started to feel impossible now that I had a second stint in rehab under my belt. I didn't really feel like I had a leg to stand on.

_"I know, B. I just missed him, and I want to step up my game. So, relax with him until I'm done cleaning up and then I'll take the night shift. Okay?"_

_"Fine."_ She picked him up and her demeanor brightened finally, which felt bittersweet. I wanted so badly for us to be in a good place and this sure didn't feel like it.

* * *

The rest of the night, I was on full duty and after the second wakeup Britt finally just slept right on through. She muttered something about him going to sleep for me much easier than he did for her and how she wouldn't be so tired if I had been here and I was absolutely fucking sure that these meds could not travel with us to New York because I would lose my freaking mind.

 _"I need a favor."_ I said into the phone as I made a bottle for Isaac who hadn't even woken up yet. He could not out night-owl me. Britt was snoring and drooling into my pillow, in the center of the bed and I couldn't take another second. It was still early, not even 7 but I needed to do this now.

_"Santana? Is everything alright?"_

_"I don't know but I could really use some alone time with Britt and I don't want to pass Isaac off after only being with him for a few hours but this new medicine..._ " I trailed off and like the amazing person she was, Susan filled in the rest.

_"She needs to recalibrate, I know that. I've told her that but she's very stubborn."_

_"Well, if just the last few hours are any indication, this has to change. This is not my Brittany. I'm worried."_

_"No worries, I'm going to show up there in about an hour and insist that you two go spend the day together while I spend some time with my grandson, how's that sound?"_

_"Like the best plan ever. Thank you, Susan."_

Once Susan arrived, I felt a weight shift from my chest to my shoulders, but I could handle it. I danced around the living room with Isaac while Susan went to wake up Britt and deal with her morning grumpiness, thank God.

By the time all was said and done, we were being shoved out the door and being told to not return until the sun went down.

_"What do you want to do today?"_

_"Spend time with you, B."_

_"Doing what? I know you called my mom. Am I that horrible?"_ She began to cry while I drove us onto the highway.

_"B, no. Stop crying, please. I just...I'm concerned okay. I don't like what this medicine is doing to you and I know you don't like it either. Do you?"_

_"No."_

_"Your mom already scheduled an appointment with your doctor, but you don't have to go if you don't want to. I will support you in whatever you need, baby. I'm here now. Okay?"_ I was holding tight to her hand as I continued to drive us out of town. Susan had scheduled the appointment for early evening thankfully, which gave me plenty of time to just reconnect with B.

 _"Thank you for setting that up."_ She said.

_"Of course, baby, always and only you...well and now Isaac too."_

_"And the new baby."_ She said and for the millionth time, I was reminded that I was indeed pregnant. Why was that so easy to forget?

 _"You and me, me and you, us and them."_ I sang to her and finally, fucking finally she let out a laugh.

* * *

Five days...that's how long it took for Britt's new medicine to finally start showing some change in her and it was drastic. Gone was the depressed person that I had seen, and back was my boo. Which was right on time because we needed to pack up our apartment and prepare to drive all the way to New York.

Quinn was going with us and while she had dumped Rachel finally, apparently the hobbit was going to be coming too.

Which I guess was fine but that meant the car was going to be packed but I didn't care because I had my Britt Britt back and when she was being this version of herself, we could conquer anything, including a long ass car ride with Rachel.

Susan and Ian saw us off, I had tried like hell to get him to come with us, but he kept insisting that he needed to say but he wouldn't tell me why. I wanted to push but Britt stopped me from cracking his nuts to get him to stop being so evasive. So maybe my temper was simmering in this pregnancy but so was my compassion and damnit, I just wanted to know what was going on with him.

Was that so terrible?

It took us two whole days to make the nine-and-a-half-hour drive because we had a three-month-old and a bickering twosome. By the time we pulled into the garage at the house, I was ready to not see Quinn or Rachel for a considerable amount of time. Quinn had finally gotten out of her cast just the day before and kept complaining about it cramping in the backseat but then she didn't want to be in the front seat, so there was that plus Rachel calling out random facts about the landmarks we passed.

If it wasn't for the smiling face of my son and the millions of kisses from Britt, I would have probably snapped at one of them.

But we got the house with one day to spare before Britt's one month long remedial math class started. She would have to take the class two times a week, once during the day and once in the evening. I hated the thought of her being out in the city alone after hours, but I had already tapped Nico to keep an eye out for her.

Then of course, he reminded me that she had been in the city before without either of us and survived just fine.

I just needed to trust.

Quinn decided to take a class at CUNY for the month and Rachel ended up begging me to stay until she could move on campus. Despite my better judgement, I gave the bickering exes my third floor knowing that it was temporary. I made Quinn swear to me that she would keep Rachel in check.

Yes, she'd had my back when I was pregnant with Isaac and I would always be grateful for it but after that road trip, I was at my wit's end.

So once again, I just had to trust.

It was temporary.

* * *

Three weeks into being in New York, we'd hit a stride. The four of us moved like a well-oiled machine for the most part and Rachel was due to move out any day now, so I wasn't pressed about her staying...even if Britt and I were sure that the thumps from upstairs at night were from the two of them fucking.

Quinn was a free agent though, Celia was giving her space to spread her wings and so I wasn't going to harass her either. I was perfectly content living in my bubble with my baby boy and my Britt Britt.

But then things fall apart like they always do.

My phone rang as I got Isaac in the bath which he hated to do if he wasn't being held, the little bathtub offended him somehow, but Britt had gotten him attached to her and he needed to be able to self soothe. So, when he seemed happy for once, I felt like it was a fine time to answer the phone.

But I was wrong, almost immediately Isaac began screaming, so I yelled into the phone. _"Call me back in an hour!"_ Before ending the call and trying to get my son through the call as swiftly as I could. He was headed to a level 3 kind of screaming fit, which usually led to a treatment and that was so not the road I wanted to go down.

So, phone forgotten, I dried my son and then got him ready for his jammies and bottle. He wilted from his crying fit as I danced him around the room, just like Britt did when she was home. He knew the difference and would whimper until I sang to him. Halfway through songbird, he closed his eyes and I kissed his face before dancing and singing him into his nursery. I didn't stop singing until I had him settled in his crib and backed slowly out of the room.

I felt the beginning of a headache, but I couldn't focus on that, right then, I was due for a shower of my own. I had spit-up and probably poop on me somewhere and being pregnant just made the smells more intense. One hot shower later, I was feeling human again.

**_Hope class is going well. IMU-Lolli_ **

**_IMU.-Britt Britt_ **

I was headed downstairs for a snack when the phone buzzed in my hand, so I sat at the top of the steps just outside my son's room and answered the call from Azimio.

He was crying and then he was rushing through the story but not really saying anything and I was anxious.

_"Slow down, Z! Tell me what happened..."_

And then he took a breath and started again.

I sat there stone faced as I listened to one of the toughest guys I knew as he sobbed in my ear like a baby. I knew that this couldn't be good news. I knew that in my time knowing him, Azimio has never dropped a tear. My headache was getting worse, but I tried to be patient as he caught his breath. I waited an eternity for him to break my heart into a billion pieces and when it finally happened, when Z finally told me what happened, I felt like someone had punched me in the face.

Repeatedly and I was speechless.

My stomach was turning, and my head was spinning...I had to sit down.

I had to breathe.

* * *

This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening. I closed my eyes and tried to wake up from the nightmare that I knew that I was caught in. Everything was going so smoothly, too smoothly. This didn't make any fucking sense.

_"Make this make sense, Z."_

_"I wish, I could."_ He said.

It was just senseless...desperate. I could feel anger and sadness at war within my own heart but that was quickly overshadowed by the uncomfortable itch underneath my skin...an itch that I hadn't felt in months. Then came the tremors that I knew all too well.

There was an itch to numb myself with cocaine and pissed me the fuck off. I swallowed back the frustration that I felt and then ran a hand over my flat stomach, right then the baby had to be my anchor. Then I began to count silently, thinking of all the things I loved.

Thinking of my son in his incubator and that whistle he had when he was born. He and this new baby were the only things keeping me from walking out the door and seeking out the first dealer that I saw. I had come a long way and I would be dedicated to my sobriety for my children because their lives were worth more than mine.

As I tried to breathe through all of this, I had forgotten that I was still clutching the phone until I heard Z breathe out in nothing louder than a whisper, _"Santana, are you there? Are you okay?"_

 _"I'm going to uhhh...I'll call you back okay?"_ I stuttered. I couldn't handle his tears because they reminded me that this wasn't some horrible dream.

_"Okay. Call me...don't forget!"_

_"Z?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Have you told Noah?"_

_"No. You were my first call."_

_"Can you call him? I can't think right now but he'll know what to do. Tell him that...to worry. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Thanks, Z."_

I remembered graduation and I just nodded without any other response.

* * *

After I hung up the phone, I just sat there at the top of the steps like a zombie. I could barely piece two thoughts together and then I saw Noah call, but I couldn't answer. There was just too much going through my mind, when you don't know the last time you see someone is the last time, it strikes through you like you've been gutted from stem to sternum. The ache that I felt as I thought of all the should have beens and could have beens in a house that only contained me and my son, was vicious.

I couldn't stop replaying things in my head, the guilt that hovered had me thinking that I could have prevented this...I was sure of it which only made me feel worse. My phone buzzed again and then chimed but I couldn't see the screen through the tears that blurred my vision.

My fault.

My fault.

How could it be anything less?

I knew consciously that I was torturing myself with the semantics and overanalyzing this which wasn't helping me deal but it was just the way my mind was working. My brain just couldn't contain it all, but I couldn't cry out, I didn't deserve the honor of sobbing because this couldn't be real and if it was, I could have done better, been better.

How had this happened? It was all wrong and I felt like on some molecular level I was being punished, that living with this pain would be my penance for all the bad that I had done.

Leave it me to think like a Catholic at a time like this! I can't even continue along that vein of thought though because the implications...ugh!

I was so fucking pissed. I just wanted some kind of warning...anything, to let me know that this was going to happen. There had to be signs that I missed but even if there were, I mean how much can you prepare for death...even when you are expecting it?

And why...why couldn't things just continue to be happy like they had been since we arrived in New York?

It had been three whole weeks since we left Lima, three blissful weeks of happiness, laughter, and memory making.

I mean I was even getting along with Rachel Berry as if we were bffs. That is how good things were in my life at that moment.

Everything was just so amazing and so happy in our lives, that we didn't stop to think about the bad stuff that had happened in the past year.

We were all learning our new surroundings and doing everything to make that house our home.

The house had come alive with Quinn moving in and Rachel staying until her dorm opened.

Plus, with her on her new meds and me focused solely on my children while she did her own school stuff. Britt and I were in an insanely good place in our marriage, we had good days and bad moments but nothing major like Frankie.

All that mushy, silly stuff that most people think is romantic was what our daily lives consisted of. I am not one for the corny stuff but seeing Britt smile and laugh was all that mattered as I humiliated myself for her enjoyment when she came home to see me looking ragged and motherly. I didn't mind it and it seemed to do something for her, so who was I to complain?

Life was good and to top it all off, Isaac was healthy.

I couldn't ask for more. I was happy, every day!

But of course,...the world, shit the whole fucking universe can only take a happy Santana G. Lopez but for so long.

I had my share of happiness and so now it was time for the madness to begin again.

Just my luck!

* * *

Rachel and Quinn had gone off on a platonic afternoon date and were going to be home soon so that we could all watch bad reality shows and have cheddar popcorn (my craving of the week), when Z called the first time, I had rushed him off the phone and told him to call me back in an hour. He must have been waiting that whole time, holding back the news as he watched the clock.

I had contributed to his suffering and that was just another thing I'd need to add to my penance.

Every week I'd been going to a meeting and going to confession. Reconnecting with my faith was important to me and I couldn't do that without being really fucking honest with the priest about who I was. He seemed to appreciate my candor.

But poor Z, he hadn't put up a fight when I told him to call back and if he did, I wouldn't have heard because Isaac had been screaming in my ear.

If I could go back in time, only an hour, I would have put off the phone call until someone else was home with me.

Maybe I wouldn't have spent so much time over analyzing everything with someone in my face but that wasn't how it happened.

Here I was at the top of the steps, in an empty house thinking the darkest and worst thoughts. I should have known that something was up because I hadn't talked to Z all summer, not since he was working and studying every chance that he got so that he could get into the state police academy right alongside of Noah.

He had kept up with me ever since that day he'd shown up at my house and then later when he found out I gave my son his middle name.

Even though he wasn't the godfather, he liked to act like one, so I was excited to finally have a free moment to talk to him...but it wasn't a social call like I had assumed it to be.

Like it should have been.

No, this call was one that I'm sure he never wanted to make and one I never wanted to receive.

I sat at the top of the steps sobbing as I kept replaying the word over and over again.

_"Dead...dead...dead."_

This wasn't supposed to happen. I had conquered the world it seemed and then as soon as I thought I had everything figured out the world came crashing down again. In truth I had come to expect bad things back when we were still in Lima, but the happy weeks had somehow made this kind of news that much more unbearable.

If I had still been a little numb and not so soft, then maybe when Z called with the news, I would have been able to take it standing up. I cursed my happiness and vowed to never allow myself to become that invested in my own happiness ever again.

What good came from it? I knew that I should have wanted to be happy forever but now that the world had righted its grievous error of allowing me time to smile, I wouldn't be so foolish again.

I was staring unseeing out of the stained-glass window that was above the landing of the steps. My fault, it had to be. I was rocking myself as I sat there trapped within my own head, trying to patch together the pieces of my broken soul and shattered heart.

Why had it come to this?

* * *

_"San? We're back! Where are you?"_

I heard Q and Rachel coming into the foyer, a floor below where I was sitting but I didn't move a muscle, they would find me soon enough. The tears had finally come down and I didn't even attempt to wipe the tears from my face, they would just be replaced with new ones, so why even try?

Even if I did want to call out to them, I wasn't sure that I could past the rock in my throat.

My fault.

I felt myself sinking into the abyss and there was no way that I could pull myself out on my own.

What I needed was B.

Of all days for her to have a night class...why today?

I sat against the wall at the top of the stairs, just stuck in my own guilt.

My face was buried against my knees as I silently wept but then I heard the heavy footfalls on the stairs and a piece of my grieving turned to rage.

How many fucking times had I told everyone in the house that they needed take their shoes off downstairs and walk gingerly? Britt had complied and Quinn, who was still healing from her broken leg couldn't really run up the steps. There was only one holdout that was constantly forgetting that shoes into the house was disgusting and her heavy fucking steps could wake up my sleeping child.

Right then, I wanted to slap her, but I knew that my anger was semi-misplaced.

Isaac's room was literally right across from the stairs and I was right to be pissed, but the rage that I felt was borderline homicidal.

There was just no explanation that made sense, I was just angry at her fucking heavy elephant footsteps and angry because my world had just crumbled and all I could think about was her waking up Isaac.

I could easily put him back to sleep...so why was I stressing?

* * *

 _"She's sitting at the top of the steps!"_ I heard Rachel say as she hovered above me. _"She's uh crying, Quinn."_

I shouldn't have been mad about her yelling, but I didn't she understand that there was a baby sleeping in the room just behind me?

 _"Oh my God! Oh my God!"_ I heard Quinn mumble from the bottom of the steps, which told me that Puck must have texted her just like I knew that he would.

I knew that he would be worried about me throwing up my walls and he was right...I was trying to numb myself to the best of my ability and failing miserably.

When I heard Quinn making her way up the stairs, I pulled my legs up until my knees were just beneath my chin, trying to disappear.

Quinn came sprinting up the stairs but unlike Rachel, her steps were barely noticeable. I felt relief wash over me when I looked up at her. I tried to smile but the tears came even more when I saw how I felt reflected all over her face.

She pushed Rachel to the side gently and then sunk down on the floor next to me. She didn't ask for permission, she just wrapped me in her arms and rested her head against mine.

 _"Oh God, San...I can't...believe this is even happening! Do you know anything? Of course, you don't...Puck said you didn't."_ I pulled back and looked at her for a long moment before shrugging. Her eyes began to tear up and I felt a new wave of tears crest up and fall down my cheeks.

This was bad because along with the tears came a whole new set of tremors, my palms were itchy, and I resisted the urge to rub them together. I wanted Q to see me as whole and strong but my whole body was shaking with a need to numb myself with coke. My stomach rumbled loudly because I hadn't eaten since this afternoon. I had been waiting for Q to get home to eat but now with my headache and all my guilt, I couldn't eat.

My head felt like it was going to split in half from all the crying, but this was my fault.

* * *

Quinn held tight to me as I shook with needs that I had thought were behind me. This was supposed to be a different pregnancy. I had just hit my third month and was completely stress free up until the moment of Z's call.

Brittany had done everything in her power to make sure that I was happy and that I was safe and that I didn't think about snorting coke. She and Q had even taken turns going to meetings with me so that they could help me with staying on the straight and narrow.

It was a daily struggle for me in the beginning but with Britt by my side it got easier and easier. With her new meds and my new-found love of being alive and sober, we were both adapting well to a stress-free life, I hadn't dropped a single tear in weeks and now I was inconsolable.

I was trying my damndest to throw up my walls but couldn't manage it alone, not anymore. Right then all I needed was Britt. Not even Q could help me the way she used to. Nobody else could help me feel guarded and safe like Brittany and at that moment that was all that I wanted and needed.

 _"I need B...where the fuck is B?"_ I finally managed to say.

Quinn could feel my tremors and she knew that this was beyond her. So, she looked up at Rachel with a raised eyebrow, and Rachel who was still fucking hovering while Quinn sat wrapped around me and immediately whipped out her phone and began texting.

Finally, she was doing something fucking useful!

I must have been glaring at Rachel because Quinn put her hands on either side of my face and leaned close to me so that I would only look at her. In the past, she would have brushed her lips against mine, but that part of our lives was gone. Instead she pressed the tip of her nose to mine and her forehead to my forehead.

She was mumbling her prayers and I was reciting an Our father, in Spanish. We stayed like that as Rachel began to pop her gum. I growled as I came to the end of my prayer and pulled back, but Q still had a hold on my face.

My eyes flicked to hers, the flecks of gold in her eyes, shining behind her tears.

 _"Focus for me, San. Have you eaten?"_ She whispered.

It took me a moment to absorb her words and then to remember if I had eaten.

 _"No."_ I said quietly.

_"Do you want something?"_

_"No. I'm nauseous."_ I said as I looked at only her.

I was starving, and she knew it, but she didn't push me like Britt would have, I knew she'd tell B though and leave it to her to deal with. Thankfully.

_"Come on...let's get you in bed. Britt's class should have ended ten minutes ago...she should be home soon."_

This was the only night of the week that Britt had a night class...it was the only night I ate dinner alone...or with Q, but today I didn't have the energy, so I relented and let her lead me to my room.

She still had a slight limp from the cast, but she still held me until I was in my bed, curled up and cuddling with my body pillow which smelled like B and the moment that I could smell Britt's fragrance I began sobbing out loud.

I felt so alone and dead inside.

* * *

Alone...dead and alone.

* * *

I laid in the darkness and buried my head deeper into the pillow as I looked out of the window at the city skyline. This was supposed to be a good time in my life.

Senseless.

My mind was just going around and around.

My fault.

Quinn had gone off to call Britt and had left me to my own bitter thoughts with my body still throbbing and aching.

I wanted to use and knowing Q, she was guarding the exits to make sure that I didn't try anything, and I was endlessly grateful. I bit into my lip and tried to calm my breathing but all I could think was coke...my fault...senseless...coke...coke...coke.

Jesus help me!

It would be so easy to do just one line...it would work so well at numbing me but that wasn't me anymore.

And like it agreed with me, I felt the flutter in my stomach and tried to keep breathing.

_"I know baby...I know you're there."_

If it was a year ago something like this would have caused me to go on a week-long coke binge, pregnant or not but now...now I had nothing but my tears to console me because I was going to keep my babies safe, even from me... _especially from me,_ no matter what, their lives were more valuable than mine.

My fault.

The door creaked open and closed quickly. The lamp by the door was clicked onto the dimmest setting but I still buried my eyes and blocked out the light.

I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want to see the look in her eyes...I just craved her touch.

_"Ana? Baby I'm home. Puck called me. Q told me what happened...are you alright? Can I get you anything? I know that you didn't eat."_

_"No...not hungry...just come hold me...okay?"_ I mumbled half into the pillow, hoping that she wouldn't try to shove food down my throat.

_"Okay."_

I let out a sigh of relief when she accepted my words...a first.

I heard her kick her shoes off and drop her bag to the floor.

I knew that in four huge steps and a jump she would be right behind me, spooning me and trying her best to make me feel better.

One...

There was so much to figure out.

Two...

Could I have changed this?

Three...

Did she really get the ache this caused me?

Four...

I just need to wake up from this nightmare!

Jump...

Brittany. Peace.

* * *

I curled up more around the pillow, the moment that I felt the warmth of Britt's body surrounding me.

 _"We are going to have to fly back to Lima, there's no time to drive."_ she whispered after a while.

_"I know."_

_"Do you think Isaac can handle the flight?"_

_"I don't know."_ I shrugged.

_"Well, I don't know if I'm going to be able to miss my classes, it's finals week."_

_"Then don't miss them."_

_"I want to be there with you."_

_"But you don't have to be...I'm fine...ok?"_

_"Please, don't shut me out Ana. We moved passed that part of our relationship."_

_"I know."_

_"Just talk to me."_

_"I don't know what you want me to say, B."_

_"Just tell me what you need."_

_"Ian...I need Ian."_

_"That's not possible..."_

_"No fucking kidding because he...he fucking killed himself this morning and I...I don't know how to fucking handle it! I could have saved him!"_


	2. Between Two Lungs (Florence + the Machine)

For just a moment, Britt let that statement hang in the air. She buried her face against my neck and I felt the wetness of her tears seconds later. Her body shook as she held me tightly. I rubbed her arm and for the first time since the call, I thought of someone other than myself.

And Marco thinks I'm not selfish?

Her tears were silent and then she pulled her face from my neck and rested her chin on my shoulder.

 _"You can't blame yourself for this Ana."_ She said softly, the ghost of tears shaking her voice.

 _"Says who?"_ It came out harsh, even though I didn't mean for it to.

 _"Says me, Ian wouldn't want you to blame yourself for this."_ She wasn't going to let me bully her and once I was removed from the pain of this, I'd probably be grateful but right then, I hated her for it.

Not hate. Never hate.

Just annoyed and guilty and sad and all the things.

Britt had come straight home from a long day of dance practice and a night class, only to have to deal with me like this. Death is sharp and cruel no matter how you slice it, and everyone handles it differently.

My wife, my sweet love was doing everything she could to lift me up, but I had chosen my base instinct.

Anger above all else.

 _"How the fuck, do you know what he would want?"_ I snapped at her, trying to pull away but needing her arm that was keeping me from jumping out the window. _"How can you possibly tell me that I shouldn't blame myself? I knew he was hurting when we left Lima...I knew about the hurt that was done to him and then I up and left him in that shit hole and took Isaac away! He even told me once that me and Isaac was all that he lived for, so why didn't I bring him here with us? Why was I so fucking selfish?"_

_"You weren't being selfish. We offered him the last spot in the car and he told us more than once that he needed to stay. This isn't on you. Nothing you can say or do will help. You had just got out of rehab and the last thing you needed was to be hanging around Lima, with the ghosts of all that happened there."_

_"Like New York is any better?"_

_"It is. I'm here, Marco isn't. This is OUR house, not his. No drugs, daily meetings, and a village surrounding you. It's okay to be a little selfish but it's not okay to blame yourself for this."_

Her words were perfect and pretty and all the good things that made her the love of my life, but I couldn't stop beating myself up over this and Britt was only making it worse by trying to pacify me.

I didn't need to hear her kind words or have her tell me that I couldn't be to blame because my heart and my head were telling me something different. That day in the kitchen when he kissed me and tried to talk to me about moving in with my mom, I brushed it off. I didn't push for it to become a reality and I should have.

 _"My fault."_ My thought had become words and Britt hugged me tighter.

 _"Impossible."_ She said back, and the anger surged. I was frustrated and annoyed with her without meaning to be all because I couldn't rationalize just how I had gone from needing Britt beyond belief to wanting her to just go away.

My emotions were way out of control. How could she be so caring right now? For someone who had felt such insane jealousy over my relationship with my son's father, Britt was being supportive and patient even when I yelled at her and it made me feel like shit.

I cried even harder as I thought about the bitch I was being and then Britt was humming in my ear and just held me closer.

My fault. I didn't deserve love, I deserve blame for not being able to stop this but no way was Britt going to give me what I wanted, she was more focused on giving me what I needed and that is why I had wanted her so badly, with everything that she felt, she was always willing to put her pride to the side and just hold me.

She was the reason that I fought for my sobriety.

B knew that I had a tough road ahead and she just wanted to make sure that I knew that she was there for me. I was counting on it.

* * *

There was a lot that I was going to need to do, going back to Lima was inevitable now and from what I know of Ian's family, they'll want to bury him as soon as possible and there was no way that I was going to miss that.

At least Mami was back in Lima with Celia watching over her, now that she had left Chicago and her ex, she was taking a break from responsibilities. Mami was the only person that she was looking out for and I was grateful that when I got there, I would be greeted by people who knew how to handle me at my worst.

It would also be good to have some backup if Ian's mother gave me any trouble. It was no secret that Ian's mother didn't approve of me or Isaac existing in his life. He'd been upfront with me when I asked why she hadn't visited her grandson, he looked angry as he told me that she believed that my son had tainted their pure Irish bloodline and I knew for a fact that his mother thought we were nothing more than leeches.

Which, I mean, if anyone is anyone in Lima they know that the Lopez family has some bank. Even though Abuela insisted on staying in Lima Heights, she wasn't poor by any means. Her trail of husbands had all left her with money.

But his mother wouldn't hear of it, Ian even begged me to let him tell his mother that I wasn't after his money. I had nothing to prove to her, not once did I ask Ian for a cent, but he wanted me to basically show her my bank ledger, but it wasn't her fucking business.

And when she realized that we weren't leeching money after I gave Ian my old BMW, she told Ian that I must have another reason.

That I was leading him on and only using him for his sperm. I had never met the woman, but each time Ian came back to me with some nonsense that she had spouted it made me want to kick her ass.

I knew that Ian hated being home and was excited to move to New York. Every time we spoke he said as much and up until now, I thought I knew everything about him...I even knew that he was depressed and damaged.

So why?

Why didn't I think that he was actually capable of taking his own life?

Maybe because he laid a claim to a baby that wasn't his and to one that I had given him an out on raising.

Why hadn't I heard the desperation in his voice the last time that I had spoken to him?

Because my happiness blinded me to it, possibly?

He sounded so tired when he had called to talk to me the night before and I could tell that something was up with him but I thought I had more time, no matter how many times I had heard that tomorrow isn't promised, I didn't pressure him to talk about it while he still had to live through it.

Better to have the talk when he was here with me but now I knew that I should have pushed, if for no other reason, because Isaac needed his father.

And I had failed them both.

* * *

I kept sobbing late into the night. Britt had tried to pacify me, she'd tried to talk me out of my spiral, but I kept growling at her, so she eventually stopped talking to me out of fear of me snapping at her, she just continued to hum to me and hold me close to her.

She only got up once and that was to feed and change Isaac.

While I had been pushing her away, I didn't want to be alone so after I took the opportunity to use that bathroom, I lingered in his doorway and waited for her to take me back to bed.

Although I had been annoyed with her, I still didn't want to be without her and she knew that and just smiled softly at me after putting Isaac down in his crib.

 _"I'm sorry about yelling at you."_ I whispered to Britt as I held out my pinky to her. She closed Isaac's door and then wrapped my pinky in hers before squeezing it.

She didn't say anything in response to my apology. Tonight, words just weren't working for us because I'd say one thing and do another, so she showed me her devotion instead.

When we lay in the bed under the covers again, I faced her this time as she laid flat on her back. I curled against her side and stared at her face in the dark, the streetlights making her face glow. She was just so beautiful and angelic, she was my love who I wanted to be the last face I wanted to see when I finally managed to fall asleep. My heart was torn and broken but it was still very sure of that one fact, Brittany was our saving grace.

Britt looked into my eyes sadly and then pulled me closer until I was nearly on top her.

She leaned in and kissed my forehead, then my cheeks, my nose, my chin and finally my lips. I closed my eyes and took a deep shuddering breath as she pulled my leg over her hip and wrapped an arm around me. She gave a tap to my ass and kissed my face again. Her warm breath grazed my face as she tucked my head beneath her chin.

Pressed against her, I could hear the thud of her heartbeat just underneath my wet cheek and the rhythm helped me to finally drift off to sleep.

But even in my sleep, I wasn't spared from the reality of Ian being gone. His smile and laughter filled my dreams and then his eyes...ugh...what once captivated me now haunted me.

His baby blue eyes were identical to Isaac's and even in my dreaming state, I dreaded the hurt it would cause me to look at my own son. I was ashamed of the feelings that coursed through me and found myself clenching tight to Britt's body.

My anchor.

My saving grace.

My Brittany.

* * *

I startled awake in the middle of the night and Britt looked panicked, then I watched her crumble. In the middle of the night, she was between dosages and it was always her at her most vulnerable.

Guilt surged in me and I only knew one way to make it better, I slid from her arms and climbed between her legs.

 _"You don't have to."_ She whimpered.

 _"Please?"_ I asked, and she opened her legs wider. I pushed her panties to the side and slid my fingers inside of her before hovering above her. She hissed as she stared into my eyes.

 _"Is this okay?"_ I asked.

 _"More."_ She begged, and I slid more fingers, pressing harder. Taking out my frustration and sadness out on her with each thrust. She rocked with me and then leaned up and kissed my lips, her other hand slipping under my shirt. I wanted to stop her, but she was faster than me.

Always faster.

We brought each other orgasm and then I collapsed on top of her, out of breath and more tired than I had been before. I fell asleep in her arms, with her baby blues the last sight I saw before I surrendered to the dark.

The dreams came softer, just his laugh and his touch.

His love, no guilt, no fault...just Ian.

The sun was barely up when Isaac woke up early the next morning, but I couldn't bring myself to move from my bed and I couldn't allow Britt to go either. I couldn't bring myself to look into his eyes and see Ian looking back at me. Britt tried to pull herself from under me, but I just wrapped myself around her tighter.

She huffed out a breath and tried again to get up, but I wasn't letting up.

 _"Let Q grab him, Britt. Please?"_ she sighed heavily and then wrapped both arms around me tighter giving in to my need, knowing that Quinn kept a baby monitor by her bed just like we did.

I felt how wet B's shirt was from all my tears, but she didn't seem bothered by it as she looked at me with a tiny smirk, knowing her she was probably thinking about the middle of the night.

 _"Are you going to try to get back to sleep?"_ she whispered to me.

 _"I'm awake now, I'm just not ready to face the day."_ I said hauntingly.

I really didn't want to go back to the dreams of baby blue eyes and laughter. They weren't terrible, it was just hard to go back to a reality that Ian didn't exist in anymore. I couldn't bear to see Ian's face in my mind's eye, another second.

After only a few moments, Isaac's cries got quiet as Q sang softly to him. I was immensely grateful for her at times like this and of course that was followed by guilt for forcing her to step up when I was supposed to be taking care of Isaac.

But I had made her his godmother for a reason and she had never complained, and I was so fucking thankful for her.

* * *

I should have known that Britt wouldn't be able to lay there for long, it just wasn't something she was capable of. She probably needed her pills and a breather, but I was smothering her now.

 _"What do you want for breakfast?"_ B whispered in my ear. I looked up in her face and could see that she was insanely concerned, and it bugged me.

 _"I'm not hungry."_ I grumbled trying to snuggle further against her.

_"Well you might not be but that baby sure is."_

I could hear the annoyance slipping into her tone even though she was doing her best to hide it.

_"You don't know that."_

_"But I do know that."_

_"I don't feel like eating, B."_

_"Why don't we try toast with the guava jelly? You love that."_ she rolled onto her side so that she could face me. I could see the irritation all over her face now. She was nibbling on her lip as she tried to wait patiently for my answer.

 _"No thanks."_ I could hear the coldness in my voice, but I felt detached from myself, like I couldn't control what came out of my mouth and then my stomach chose that moment to start growling.

I looked away from Britt, but she just cleared her throat and tried again.

_"Ana..."_

_"Just stop talking!"_ I snapped as I tried to shuffle to the edge of the bed away from her now. _"I just need you to please be quiet a little longer."_

 _"Fine."_ She said after sighing heavily. _"But you don't get to pull away from me."_ She wrapped an arm around me and pulled me back to her before I could make it to the edge and I was beside myself at that point.

 _"You're smothering me!"_ I said trying to wiggle away but she had an iron grip around my waist.

 _"I'm just trying to hold you babe, like you asked."_ she whispered.

I had my back to her now but could still hear the tears in her voice, without her medicine it was becoming hard for her to be patient. I knew what she needed from me, but I was being selfish, and I was making her feel like shit and I felt horrible about it.

So, I backed myself up until I was lying against her and then closed my eyes as I gave up fighting her hold on me. It was the best apology that I could give now.

I hope that she understood.

* * *

We laid there for little while longer, me feeling hollowed out and her feeling antsy. Then her phone rang, and she finally let go of me as she rolled over to her side of the bed.

I didn't bother to move, I just kept my eyes clenched shut and tried to disappear as I waited for her to come back to me.

_"Hello? Yes, ma...yes, we heard. Puck called me and told me everything he knows. She's...Um...yea she is. Okay. Hold on a sec."_

_"I don't want to talk to anyone."_ I muttered, just loud enough for her to hear me.

_"It's your mom."_

_"Tell her that I'll call her later."_

_"You tell her. I'm going to get you and our baby some breakfast."_ Britt put the phone to my ear and then got out of the bed. She had finally had enough of my self-loathing and was leaving my mom to deal with me, hoping that she would be able to get through to me.

With the way that I was feeling though, I doubted that anyone would be able to help me out of the funk that I was in.

 _"Mami?"_ I whispered into the receiver as I felt tears burning my eyelids.

_"Aye mija. I wish I was with you right now."_

_"It's okay. I'm fine."_ I was fighting the tears with everything in me.

 _"No, you're not. You don't have to put up a brave front for us...we all know you're hurting. I know how hard it is to lose the father of your child."_ her voice shook as she brought up Papi, I knew that it still hurt for her to think about him. It had been almost a year and the emptiness that filled her life was evident, each time I walked in the house and everything was just as if he was there moments before. _"This was beyond your control, you know that don't you?"_

_"I could have stopped him."_

_"You are going to make yourself sick with those kinds of thoughts. If you keep thinking about all the things that you could have done, it won't bring him back. I did this too, I've been there and it's not healthy especially in your condition."_

_"Don't worry, Britt and Q, won't let me spiral too far. I just know that if I had...I don't know...done anything different he would still be alive."_

_"You don't know that, Santana. He would have found a way if he wanted this bad enough. You can't be sure that you would have saved him."_

_"Yes, I can be...Mami...I know that I could have stopped him!"_ And I was officially crying now. I tried to muffle my sobs with a pillow over my mouth, but I knew that she could still hear it as she let out a deep sigh.

_"Look, mi'ja, I never told you this but the day that your father died he had wanted to stay home...he wasn't feeling the best, but I urged him to go in any way because I knew he'd be moping around, not resting. Work has always made him feel better when he's sick...I kicked myself for months after he died...what if I had convinced him to stay in bed, what if I insisted that he stay in Lima instead of taking that job in Atlanta...but the truth is that in the end wishing won't change the reality no matter how bad you want it to, he's dead and I can't bring him back and you can't bring Ian back."_

_"It just hurts so bad Mamí. I just don't understand how he could do this. He had one week and then he would have been here at school...he would have been able to see his son everyday if he wanted to. How will I explain this to Isaac? I can barely wrap my head around it all."_

_"You just have to take it one step at a time. One moment at a time. As senseless as it seems to us, Ian had his reasons. He knew what he was doing. So, you need to just pray for his soul and for his family. Think what they must be going through. Finding him like that."_

_"Ok."_ It was all the answer that I could muster.

_"In the meantime, Santana, don't push Brittany away."_

_"I'm not."_

_"Don't lie to me. A mother knows. You need your wife right now...Brittany loves you and only wants your happiness. Be good to her and take care of yourself because you have a life inside you that needs you to be okay."_

_"Fine."_ I huffed out. I hated when people immediately took Britt's side in things, even if I did agree with them and she was right, this baby needed me.

_"Let me know when you are flying in."_

_"Okay...I'll call you later."_

* * *

I sat up in bed and rubbed my flat stomach. I hadn't begun to really show yet, just the slightest bump, but I could still sense the little bit of life that was growing inside of my body.

Even if it wasn't his blood, Ian had wanted this baby as his own and I had to honor that. I would need to cherish my children even more now that he was gone just like I'm sure that my mother cherished me more after my father was murdered.

I was sitting there with a hand pressed against my stomach, my head resting against the headboard as the tears slowly traveled down my cheeks. My head was aching, so I closed my eyes and sent out a silent pray for Ian.

With each breath I suppressed a loud sob and just tried my best to regain my composure, but it was just so hard, and it hurt so much.

All I wanted was to go back to this time yesterday, when I was still happy, and Ian was still alive.

I opened my eyes when I heard the door to my bedroom open. I knew that I looked like a wreck but when I looked at Britt's small smile, I knew that in her eyes I looked beautiful.

It was when I looked completely undone that she found me the most attractive...she had admitted that to me one drunken night, ages ago and as I sat there looking up at her I could tell that she still believed that.

Britt stood there with a plate in one hand and a glass in the other.

She was shifting from one foot to the other, biting her damn lip and I could tell that she didn't know what to say to me.

Normally, I would have offered help when she felt this unsure, but I just didn't have the energy to coddle her.

I did know though that what Mami said was true.

I knew that I couldn't afford to push Britt away...so I would try to be nicer.

Try...

* * *

Britt carried a huge plate with toast and a banana all sliced up with peanut butter and guava jelly. She had finally moved closer and was now leaning her legs against the edge of the mattress.

She slowly leaned forward and handed me the plate and then without hesitation I placed it down on the bed in front of me.

Food was the least of my worries.

She sighed heavily, seeing that I wasn't going to go into this easily, she put a glass of chocolate almond milk...the only kind of chocolate that I could stomach, on the bedside table.

After emptying her hands, she stood there twisting her fingers around each other, watching and waiting.

She was anxious. I hadn't been this version of myself in so long that I think she forgot how to deal with me.

I looked up at her and forced a smile.

 _"Thanks B. Did you eat, did you take your meds?"_ She smiled big and then let out a deep breath. This was the first time I had shown some care for her since last night.

 _"Not yet. I need to know you've eaten something first. I know that you said that you aren't hungry, but you should try to eat something...okay? It's important."_ she said to me as if she was afraid that I would pounce. I smiled and nodded just enough to show her that I agreed.

 _"Okay."_ I said as I pulled the plate into my lap. My stomach was rolling around, in hunger or nausea...I wasn't quite sure. I swallowed hard and then I picked up a piece of toast and brought it to my lips. As I opened my mouth I could feel the saltiness in my cheeks and knew immediately that it had been nausea that I was feeling. _"Grab the plate. I gotta throw up!"_

Britt quickly grabbed the plate, but I wasn't going to make it down the hallway as the bile was climbing from my throat, into my mouth. This was not shaping up to be a good day. Thankfully, B quickly grabbed the trash can and put it in my lap before I made a mess.

I hugged the mini trash can and emptied my stomach, since I hadn't eaten since the afternoon before, it was mainly stomach acid. The burning of it made me choke and cough. The gagging quickly turned into dry heaving until I was able to take a breath. I spit into the trash can, as I tried to get my breathing under control but the burning in my throat was making that difficult.

 _"Just keep breathing baby."_ I nodded feeling the tears in my eyes as I felt my chest begin close. It felt like more needed to come up but there was nothing left. More guilt hit me. I handed the trashcan back to Britt and then wiped my mouth with the back of my hand.

Once I felt like it was safe, I rested back against the headboard and closed my eyes, I could feel the headache quickly becoming a migraine which was just the worst. Morning sickness had ended for me but now it seemed like it was making a comeback.

Britt took the trash can out of the room and came back with a glass of water. My throat was on fire and it felt like I was going to die from the pain. I was so happy when she sat beside me and handed me the glass but before I could drown myself in the glass, Britt rested a hand on my wrist.

I looked over at her desperately.

Why was she stopping me?

_"Drink it slow okay?"_

I nodded and then slowly slipped at the water until, I emptied the glass.

The pain in my throat subsided and I felt like I could breathe again.

* * *

After I finished off my water and gave the glass to Britt, there was a knock at the door. I wasn't ready to deal with any visitors, but these were the people who had shown me happiness and joy in the last few weeks, so I wouldn't deny them. I knew that they were worried. Britt looked over at me and I just nodded.

I was glad that she thought to ask and felt some of the tension between us subside. She yelled out that the door was open as she put her arm around me and pulled me against her.

The door cracked openly slowly and then in walked Rachel with Q behind her holding Isaac.

I put on a smile...or what I could push out and pass off as one.

 _"Thanks for getting him Q."_ I whispered.

Her eyes looked bloodshot and her hair was all over the place, but she was still smiling at me even if she definitely was not the calm and composed Quinn that we all know and love. I was thankful that she had gotten up when I couldn't.

When I saw Isaac with his head on her shoulder and his eyes staring unblinking at me...I knew that the fears in my dreams had been silly. He was all that I wanted...so I held my arms out for him.

 _"Ana...try and eat first before you hold him."_ Britt said before Q could hand him to me and there goes the irritation again. I looked at her and felt the anger start surging beneath my skin and pulsating through my veins.

I rolled my eyes and looked over at my best friend.

 _"Give him to me Q."_ I growled through gritted teeth, she looked between me and Britt and then over at Rachel. They had one of those silent conversations before Quinn looked back at me uneasily.

_"You know what San, he smells a little stinky, I'm going to change him while you eat, and we will bring him back in a little bit."_

I opened my mouth but before I could protest the girls were out the room with Isaac, Rachel quickly shutting the door behind them.

* * *

_"Here, you need to eat something. You have to take care of yourself before you can properly take care of Isaac, which is something that Ian always said right?"_

I looked at her with wide eyes, how she remembered that, I'll never know. She was right, so I reached for the plate and Britt smiled as she put the food back in my lap. I was so overwhelmed by everything, but I wasn't going to fight anymore because all I wanted was to hold Isaac.

I felt fresh tears leaking from my eyes as I bit into my food, but I ate anyway. I knew that I needed to take care of myself and the baby, but I just felt so unworthy of it all, like I should be dead instead of Ian.

 _"I just don't understand any of this, B."_ I said after swallowing down some toast. B looked up in shock. This was the first non-hostile statement that I had made, and she almost looked giddy that I had finally decided to let her in.

_"Me either. He must have been in a dark place. I never thought that he could do something like this. When was the last time that you talked to him?"_

_"The night before. He called me to check in on Isaac and the baby. He asked me a million questions and then told me that he loved me. He seemed almost desperate and really, really tired. Then yesterday morning he called while I was giving Isaac a bottle. I missed the call...but I-I called him right back ten minutes later...he didn't answer so I left a message. Then um...I put him down for a nap and did some laundry. Then we had lunch, Isaac was getting fussy and so we went out for a walk. Ian never goes that long without calling back, so I called him again because it's not like him not to answer my calls."_

_"Yea...it's not."_

_"After that, I exercised...I read...then Isaac and I took another nap. Everything seemed normal except for Ian not calling so I called him again after I fed Isaac his dinner. No answer. I was about to give Isaac his bath before bed when Azimio called the first time, Isaac was crying so loud that I told him to call me back in an hour. I had just put Isaac down to sleep, then you called but I didn't answer because I was stepping into the shower. So, after I got dressed Z called again and that's when I found out that...I had him call Puck, because I knew he'd tell Q and you."_

_"I wish I had been here."_

I leaned into Britt's open arms as I sobbed. She held me against her chest and the sound of her heartbeat calmed me a bit. Replaying the normal, mundane events of my day, there were so many red flags.

So many times, that I had called but he was already gone.

_"Me too. If only I had answered that phone call, you know maybe I would have been able to talk him out of it."_

_"Don't blame yourself, Ana...you didn't know that he was going to do it. If we could change it...save him, we both would but nobody can save you from the demons in your head. You know that better than anyone."_

_"I know. What did Puck say? Do you know if Ian left a note?" I asked, no longer hungry just super nauseous._

_"Yea. Apparently, he had given a letter to Puck to mail for him a week ago. Puck thought nothing of it...he said it is still sitting on his dresser. He is holding it for you."_

_"The letter was for me?"_

_"Yea. I asked Puck if Ian said anything when he gave him the letter, but he said no."_

_"Has anyone talked to Ian's mom?"_

_"I have no idea."_

_"This is all so unbelievable, why didn't he come to me?"_

_"I wish I had an answer for you, Baby."_

_"I know. I want it to be some bad dream, but I know it's not. I just feel so helpless."_

_"Me too. Do you...know when you want to head back to Lima?"_

_"As soon as possible, I'm sure his mom wants to get it over with. I know you can't come...you have to finish your classes so would you mind watching Isaac when I go?"_

_"Of course. He's my son too...officially now, you never have to ask me to watch him."_ Britt smiled.

We had just received his updated birth certificate two weeks before and had a whole celebration with Ian on Skype. He seemed genuinely happy that things had worked out this way.

Maybe it was because he knew that he wouldn't be here.

 _"Yea. I guess, I should buy my ticket then."_ I muttered as I finished off my toast and brushed my hands together above the plate, to get rid of the crumbs.

_"I'll take care of that. Why don't you shower and get dressed, go see Izzy and I will take care of everything else."_

_"Thanks B, don't forget to take your pills."_

_"I won't forget. Go."_

* * *

As I sat on the plane that night I couldn't think about anything but Ian.

He had been so excited to visit New York for the first time, next week. I had offered to give him the tour. I was supposed to be picking him up from the airport in just a week's time. How had it gotten so bad that he couldn't wait just a little while longer to get away from Lima?

There was something missing.

Something that I didn't know yet.

I was headed to Lima with two goals in mind.

ONE...

Bid farewell to Ian.

TWO...

Get some answers to all my questions.

Britt had been insanely anxious about putting me on a plan all by myself, but I insisted. She had every right to be anxious though because I was doing exactly what she didn't want me to do, I was stressing over Ian.

I had written a list of questions that I needed answered before I made my way back. I couldn't return to my son without knowing why he was now short a parent, a parent who was insistent on being in his life.

 _"Papa bear...what don't I know?"_ I mumbled to myself, as we flew over Ohio.

* * *

Life in New York had turned out better than I ever expected. It was great to have my wife and best friend there with me every day.

It was a blessing to have Isaac healthy and happy. He still had bad days when we had to give him his breathing treatments, but they were few and far between.

Then as annoying as her footsteps were, Rachel had fit in seamlessly, we had brunch on Sundays and picnics in central park. The girls had even taken Isaac a few nights so that B and I could go out on dates.

I had talked to Ian every day since we left and looking back I can see now the pain he was in. He seemed more and more detached as time went on. I knew that he had been fighting a lot with his mom and told me countless times that he just couldn't wait to move already.

I had offered him an extra bedroom at least once every day, but he turned me down every time.

There was so much I had missed, there were so many times that he had called me just to tell me he loved me. He still would go visit my mom and do the tough chores that she hated.

He was trying to stay connected to me and stay present in my life and I was so grateful for him and never said it enough. I should have noticed his pain. I should have helped him.

I know that Britt is right about not being able to fight your personal demons, but I would have helped him. I just wish that I could go back.


	3. When It Rains (Paramore)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep it moving-Naya Rivera (and that's what we're doing babes!)

* * *

I had tried to get some sleep on the plane but I couldn't make it happen no matter how hard I tried.

There was just so much that I didn't understand, there were so many questions that would probably be left unanswered and it had me at war with myself. Since I couldn't sleep, I opened up my notes app and typed up a to-do list of sorts that involved some serious mind boggling questions...as I looked down at them, I knew that I'd probably leave Lima with few of them answered but it helped somehow.

We were hovering over the airport for almost an hour because we hadn't been cleared to land yet and the whole entire time, my stomach was cramping from the nerves. At least I hoped it was the nerves.

I didn't feel nauseous anymore but the pain was kind of terrifying especially after all the crap that I had been through with Isaac. I had meant what I said to Marco, I wanted this pregnancy to be different, to be healthy and I was trying, even when I didn't feel like it. Normally, thinking of happy things made me feel better so I sat there thinking of Britt and Isaac, hoping that the thought of them would help me to relax enough but it only worked to dull the pain, unfortunately, which only meant one thing...I now had to add visiting Dr. Ramirez to my list of things to do.

Great! Ugh...

When the plane finally landed, another twenty minutes went by before we could unboard because of a commotion in the terminal. Sitting there, thinking of all the bad things that could be happening in the airport had my pressure up. The dull pain was now a full fledged ache that seemed a little too reminiscent of a worse moment. I found myself pushing my hands underneath my ass just to make sure that there was no moisture. The sigh of relief that I let out was only topped by the tears that slid down my cheeks. I was really beginning to freak out.

Hopefully it was just a fluke or the stress of my last few days.

I was so happy to see that Puck was actually waiting in the terminal with my luggage already in hand. He had finally shaved that ferret off his head and like me, was wearing sunglasses even though it was almost midnight in Lima. We were both a wreck and didn't feel like advertising our grief to the greater Ohio area. When he saw me, he pushed his sunglasses up to rest on his head and then he smiled at me but when I saw his bloodshot eyes I couldn't return the smile. Even though we had grown distant over the last year with him dating that devil's spawn, he and Ian had bonded.

A part of the reason that I had felt so comfortable leaving Ian here was because I knew that he had people like Puck around to distract him from his home life but apparently, that hadn't been enough.

Puck pulled my luggage as we walked silently side by side, both stuck in our own web of memories. I bit into my bottom lip as a craving hit me and then I tried to silently pray through it but between the heaviness of Ian's death, the pain in my back, and being away from my son yet again...I was finding it hard to not think of numbing myself the best way that I knew how.

Right then all I wanted was to be in my bed in New York curled up with Isaac, ignoring the world but instead I was stepping out into the Ohio midnight humidity feeling over everything.

By the time that we got to Puck's truck, I added exhaustion to my list of complaints but I still didn't have much to say as he told me about his plans for life now that we were technically adults but I was barely listening.

Noah threw my suitcase in the back of his pickup and then came around to the passenger side and put his hands on my shoulders, he looked somewhere over my head and then I saw a tear sneak past his sunglasses. He pulled me into a hug and I didn't fight it.

I rested my head against his chest and took a deep breath. The smell of him hit my nose and I immediately felt the comfort that he had always given me. Puck was my first savior, the one who showed me what it was to feel wanted. Like Ian, he would always hold a special place in my heart because he had gotten me through all the rough times before I met Ian.

He kissed the top of my head and then quickly pulled away knowing that I was on the verge of tears and that I didn't want to break down in such a public place.

The pain that had rocked me on the plane had subsided for the moment and I was beginning to think that it was all subconscious. Maybe the baby just needed a bit of extra comfort like I did.

* * *

Climbing up into Noah's big truck brought back so many memories. We had a ton of sex in and on that car and I'm sure I wasn't the only girl to claim it. Most people would be grossed out by the thought but I didn't really have any complaints when it came to my relationship with Noah, with the exception of him asking me to be his girl and then turning around and knocking up my best friend, which hurt worse than I liked to admit.

After he closed the big door and ran around to the driver's seat, I buckled up and put my feet up on the dash board. I was so tired!

Noah sat there and looked at me as he buckled up and rolled down the window. I could feel the sweat on my body fusing me with the leather seats, did he really think putting the windows down would help? It was August and even at midnight, it was over eighty degrees. I pushed the window back up and then cranked on the air. I was burning up and felt like I would die if the heat lasted another second. I heard him snicker as he revved up the truck. I rolled my eyes and then pulled my feet onto the seat with me. I could feel the exhaustion and crankiness setting in.

 _"Just like old times."_ he said as he turned on his favorite classic rock station, I groaned because I didn't get the appeal.

 _"Yeah, except its not."_ I bit out as I turned towards the window. I could feel the tears again and it was really pissing me off and I knew that it would only get worse, the closer we got to Lima.

_"Yeah...it's not."_

_"This shouldn't be happening."_ I couldn't keep the emotion out of my voice as I spoke.

My fault.

_"You shouldn't blame yourself TT."_

_"Let me guess...You talked to Britt?"_ I asked, my annoyance was peaking. I knew that she would call him. I just didn't expect him to agree with her.

A part of me expected him to hold himself accountable since he hadn't been more than a couple miles away when it happened. In fact, I'm sure that is part of the reason that he is taking it so badly.

_"Yeah. I agree with her. I just saw him a few days ago and we went out and played pool. I knew that he seemed off, so I took him over to a strip club and we hung there for awhile and then we went back to my place and tossed back some beers. He was telling me all sorts of stuff and I should have done something other than just listen."_

There's the guilt. So he did blame himself. I guess I wasn't as alone in that feeling as I thought.

* * *

We were both quiet for awhile as we made the hour long drive back to town. I was thinking about Ian and my last moments with him while Noah was humming to some song that sounded like the one before it and the one before that. The silence seemed louder than the conversation that we weren't having. My body ached and my head hurt but from what I could see, one of my oldest friends was also feeling the heaviness and I was pretty certain he didn't have the support around him that I did. I dropped my hand on his leg and waited for him to glance at me before I spoke.

_"I know we haven't been close in a long time but I'm still here for you."_

He glanced at me and then looked back onto the road and began to hum again.

 _"That means a lot, considering..."_ He trailed off but he knew me better, I wouldn't let it go.

 _"What did he tell you?"_ I finally asked as I squeezed his leg. I could feel him flinch and then he cleared his throat. He always did that when there was something tough on the tip of his tongue.

 _"Told me that you were the only girl he ever slept with."_ Noah smirked and then dropped his hand on top of mine and squeezed back. I pulled my hand away and glared at him.

 _"Before you say anything to ruin the sweetness of that, just remember that I know where you sleep and still have a key to your house."_ I threatened.

_"Look, I'm not going to crap all over your memories, you were way out of his league so for him to step up to the plate for the first time and hit a home run, shit a grand slam is kinda bad ass."_

Normally, I'd smirk and punch him but instead I just nodded my head and didn't fight him when he grabbed my hand and pulled it back to his leg. I could tell that he needed my comfort but wasn't going to ask for it. I sighed and rubbed at his thigh. He cleared his throat again and then glanced at me a second before looking back at the deserted highway.

 _"And just for the record, it was you that was out of your league when it comes to me."_ I finally said, trying to have some snark but he nodded and then cleared his throat.

For some reason, it seemed that he was the single person who could do that without getting under my skin or maybe it was because I didn't have the energy.

_"He told me about his uncle. About how the guy did that stuff to him. Told me that the guy moved in to his house a few months ago. Just after graduation. Ian was crying out for my help, I'm sure of it but I just dropped him off at home and went out on a date with Olivia instead of inviting him to stay with me, I feel like a total douche."_

I wish that I had words of encouragement for Puck but there's no way I could lift him up when I was still sitting heavy with guilt of my own. Instead, I just snuggled up close to him and rested my head on his shoulder. It was the best that I could do.

He turned up his stereo and I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the ache in my back and in my heart.

My head felt foggy as I listened to Noah sing along to Fleetwood Mac, which only made me think of Britt and home. Tears were slowly leaking from my eyes and soaking into Noah's shirt but he didn't seem to notice.

I only made it about halfway through Landslide playing before I reached forward and shut off the stereo and sat up. My palms itched as a craving hit me and I swallowed hard. I couldn't wallow right now, so I decided to escape into conversation.

_"Did you open the letter he wrote me?"_

_"Nope...I was tempted but I knew how personal and genuine his feelings for you were. I didn't want to fuck with it. He loved you...like more than anyone."_

_"Why didn't you send it?"_

_"I just got busy with my little miss and forgot all about it."_

_"Maybe..."_ I didn't want to blame him because Ian could have sent it himself and Noah did have his own responsibilities but maybe if I had gotten it, I could have stopped him before he did it. He sighed and nodded then took a shuddering breath.

_"I know. I'm so fucking sorry."_

Blame did nothing at the end of the day, I still felt like it was my fault but on the surface I knew, he was an adult. I took a deep breath and wiped at my tears after taking off my sunglasses.

No more hiding. This was what it was.

 _"Do you know how it happened? How he did it?"_ This had been one of my first questions. How premeditated was it? What state of mind was he in?

_"Do you really want to know? Can you handle it?"_

My laugh was bitter in response, he had no idea what the last year of my life had been like. After New York and Marco, I could handle just about anything...sadly, even this.

 _"Tell me."_ I sighed.

_"He woke up in the morning, had breakfast with his family and then locked himself in his room and put a gun to his chest...bullet went right through his heart. His uncle found him."_

_"But Ian hated guns."_ Then I remembered something...please God don't let it be that. Had I left my father's gun in that car that I gave him? Where was the car now? Where was the gun? _"Did they say anything about where he got the gun?"_ Now I had ten times the questions. Most people don't wake up and shoot themselves...right? I mean other than Hemingway. How fucking dramatic. This was all so overwhelming and if it was my father's gun, my gun that he used this is just going to hurt even more.

Shit.

 _"I have no idea, man. If he hated guns, how could he do this? How the hell did he get that gun? It's just so fucked up!"_ I jumped when Noah banged his hand against the steering wheel. He pulled off the highway and stopped along side the shoulder. He rested his head on the steering wheel and broke down. I rubbed his back and kissed the back of his bald head. _"It's just so wrong!"_ he sobbed.

 _"Yea...its all fucked up."_ More guilt filled me.

_"He could have come to us."_

_"He did."_

_"I can't believe this is happening."_

_"But it is...its all confusing and fucked up. He was also a devout catholic and didn't believe in suicide but here we are! Stuck in this miserable, stinking existence and it just seems that the more we know, the more questions we have."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Me too."_

* * *

After a few moments, Noah regained his composure and then shifted back into gear. He wiped at his face and then hid behind his sunglasses again. I could tell that this wasn't the first time that he broke down but I knew it was the first time that he had let it happen in front of anyone. I rubbed his leg and turned the music back on but very low. It was only to comfort him, not to drive me and the baby crazy.

I wiped the tears on my face once again and then put my sunglasses back on too.

_"Did they make arrangements yet, I mean I know it's only been two days but I figured that it would happen soon."_

_"Yes. I talked to his mom this afternoon. She threw it together with the money from his college fund that his grandfather left him."_

_"I would have helped. Did you tell her that?"_

_"Yea I did but she didn't like that. In fact his mom asked that...you not come to the service at all. She said you could do a private viewing but that's it."_

_"I don't understand? Why would she not want me there? I'm the mother of his child."_

_"I told her that. I tried to talk to her about how much he would want you there but that only enraged her."_

_"This is all so fucked up, if anyone he'd ONLY want me there."_

_"But he's not here, he doesn't get a say anymore."_

_"Fuck, Noah." I said, throwing my head back and trying not to lose it again._

_"All I know is that a lot of the fighting between Ian and his mom was about you."_

_"But why? I have never done anything wrong to her. I have never done anything to hurt him."_

_"...um...ok."_ he stuttered. I pulled back from him and glared. Was he serious right now? Who the fuck was he to think something like that?

_"What is that supposed to mean? You think I hurt him?"_

_"Um..."_

_"Answer me, Noah!"_

_"You strung him along...I mean I don't think you did it on purpose but its kind of what you do."_

_"Pull over."_ I growled.

_"We are almost to your mom's house. If you are going to be pissed at me that's fine...but at least let me take you home."_

_"Fine."_

_I sat there with my arms crossed over my chest, looking away from him and instead of letting me stew in my own dramatic fashion, he kept right on plowing through my hurt._

_"You can either throw a tantrum or you can go talk to her...at least so you can figure out when you can do a private viewing."_

_"I'm going to the service, Puckerman, whether you or her like it or not. She can't stop me."_

_"She can and I can guarantee you that she will."_

_"I have never done a thing to that woman for her to ban me from attending his service. I loved Ian. I want you and her and everyone to fucking understand that I loved him! I tried to make it work. God knows...I tried to make my heart love him the way I love Britt but it just didn't happen."_

_"Do you really mean that?"_

_"Yes."_

_"You should tell her that. You're right, you should be there."_

_"What, now you think I should go?"_

_"Well yeah, you're right. You are the mother of his child, so demand your right to be there. Ian loved you and Izzy above anyone else and if what you are saying is true...and I know it is because you don't just go admitting that kind of thing, then I think you should be there. He loved you best."_

_"Maybe that's it...you think that maybe she's jealous?"_

_"Beats me, I just know that you are both stubborn women and I don't want to get in the middle of that."_

_"I am going to talk to her...maybe take her out for coffee or something."_

_"Or you know maybe go to mass...you Catholics like that sort of thing right? Mass is like a secret society meeting right? Sisters in Christ?"_

_"Really? You are talking to me about mass? You're not even catholic!"_ I couldn't help the smile that graced my lips. Leave it to NoNo to turn my mood around so quickly.

_"I know but you are and once upon a time you used to make mass three times a week and I know that she is super Catholic...so go to mass tomorrow morning and then take her for coffee afterwards or something. What can it hurt?"_

_"Yea? Okay."_

_"I mean she can't hate you anymore than she already does."_

_"Gee, thanks."_

_"Do it for Ian."_

_"Okay...yea...ok."_

* * *

I had Noah drive me through Lima Heights on the way home because I wanted to drive past Ian's house and sure enough, there sat my old BMW outside the house. I had half a mind to take it back because I still had a key to it but I didn't want to piss off his mom even further.

 _"He loved that car."_ Noah said as we crept past the house.

_"I'm glad."_

_"Are you going to let his mom keep it?"_

_"I guess, it was my dad's. You know he has that whole garage full of cars. That thing was my training wheels, I crashed into the courthouse in it. That's where my attachment ends. She can have it."_

"That's nice of you."

"Meh." I shrugged and then rubbed my palms together as we passed a few guys on the corner.

No.

I couldn't go there.

Be sober, Lopez.

"Here." Noah said just as I was plotting my next safety net. The envelope was tinted blue and I smiled, knowing that it came from the colorful box that Britt had bought Ian randomly when she needed cashback.

God, I missed her.

And him.

I held tight to that envelope with his scratchy version of my name and address. I traced my fingers into the groves that the pen left behind as if that would make me feel closer to him.

Then we were pulling into the driveway of my father's house and I felt another note of sadness hit me.

Papi.

Is this how my life would go? Would I just keep losing people?

This whole situation was just so unbelievable but I was finally starting to accept that it was indeed happening. There was so much that I knew needed my attention. I couldn't keep harping on the questions that weren't really going to help me in the end. I had to be strong. I had to put up a wall so thick that nothing would be able to break me down. I wanted to get home to Britt and Isaac in one piece. That was my ultimate goal.

I took deep and steady breaths as I walked side-by-side with Noah. He pulled my carry-on as he held my hand in his. The letter was burning my fingers so I shoved it deep into my purse. I would deal with it later when I was all alone. I knew that when I got in the house, I would want to sit with Mami for awhile and if she knew about the letter she would want me to read it to her.

Once we were at the door, I kissed his cheek and then waited for him to head back to his truck before I put my key in the lock. I really didn't need him hovering. He revved up his car and then turned up his Johnny Cash. I shook my head and then pushed inside.

I was incredibly anxious about being back home. Although it was only the second week of August, it was almost three weeks to the day, since I last was home and in that time so much had happened, it seemed like an eternity. I was already used to the hustle and bustle of the city so the silence was deafening.

I realized how much I hated the silence.

How had I existed so long in it?

* * *

When I stepped into the house it seemed big and empty just like it always had. All of the lights were off with the exception of the kitchen. It was well past midnight but I knew that Mami would wait up for me no matter how long it took me to get home.

I gasped as a shooting pain went through my abdomen and made my body tremble. I felt my stomach contract and then slowly the pain went away. I rubbed at my stomach and took deep cleansing breaths. I hoped that my stomach would relax once I got some rest. I eased the door closed and put my bag down in the foyer. I was so tired and so alert at the same time.

My bladder kicked into gear and even though I knew she waiting, I made my way down to Papi's office and into the bathroom. I just had to be sure that I was okay. I looked down into the toilet bowl and was relieved that there wasn't even a hint of pink.

Thank God. I couldn't lose anything else right now.

Once my hands were clean and my bladder was empty, I felt like I cold breathe again. I wiped my face and took off my sunglasses, not wanting to hear Mami give me crap for wearing them at night in a dark house.

The kitchen was lit only by the light over the center island. Mami sat there engrossed in a book and didn't look up even though I am sure that she heard me the moment Noah pulled into the driveway.

 _"Hey Mami."_ I whispered as I placed my purse down on one of the bar stools. I smiled as I watched her finish off her page and then close the book.

I had come by my love of reading honestly. It was the thing that bonded us when I was a kid. She would always bring me a book from her travels and convinced Papi to do the same when he could remember. He did it for a little while but then forgot but Mami had faithfully filled up my library until it was bursting at the seams.

When she looked up at me, I could see the dark rings under her eyes and that her eyes were rimmed with red. Ian's death had gotten to her. I knew that she loved Brittany and that she accepted our relationship but I also knew that she saw Ian as a son-in-law. She loved him like the son that she never had. I know that finding out about this while she sat in the house all alone, probably brought back tons of memories. This was a lot for her to handle alone. We needed each other. She looked up at me and let out a heavy sigh before standing to her feet.

 _"Ay mija. It's good to see you."_ she smiled and walked over to me. I tensed as I felt her standing inches from me.

I towered over her but even with my five inches of height difference, I always felt like a little girl when I was in front of my mother. The moment that I was enveloped in my mother's arms I felt the tears come back full force. She held me close to her as I sobbed, I leaned down onto her shoulder awkwardly, sniffling like a big baby. I felt no shame. It felt so good to just be held by her with no judgments.

Britt had done her best to soothe me but her questions were too much all at once...she had never lost anyone. The pain was only secondary to her.

Mami remained silent as she rubbed my back giving me the quiet comfort that I needed at that moment. I was just so overwhelmed. The ache in my back eased a bit at her touch and I was endlessly grateful.

After a few more tears I finally pulled back, feeling like I was strong enough to be able to sit and talk with her. Mami looked me up and down before releasing her hold on my shoulders. I had on loose fitting jeans and a Columbia shirt. I was comfortable but still looked presentable. I wore no makeup and my hair was hanging down in its natural curls. Normally, it would bother me to look so plain but I really didn't have the energy to care. She led me to a bar stool and helped me to sit down as if I was an invalid. I allowed it. I was just tired...really fucking tired.

When I was sitting she ran a hand across my cheek and leaned in to kiss my forehead. I smiled as I soaked up the smell of her. Spicy honey is what Britt called it...I just called it Mami. When she was finally sitting down again, across from me she folded her hands on top of her book and looked me straight in the eyes.

_"I offered for him to stay here you know. Before and after my heart attack but he turned me down."_

_"He told me. I urged him to take you up on it and right now, I really wish that he had."_

My stomach rumbled and I rolled my eyes. A day full of nausea and now the kid was hungry? Did it know that Mami wouldn't let it go?

I swear, Ian if this is you...fuck. I felt more tears and just let them fall.

 _"When was the last time that you ate?"_ I shook my head as I adjusted myself on the stool. Britt had made sure that I had eaten when I got on the plane at around five and I had promised that I would eat when I got in but I didn't even feel like stopping once I was in Dayton.

_"I don't want to eat."_

_"Porque?"_

_"Ay Mamí, I just feel too sick to eat."_ I said waving her off. She wasn't going to back down though, I knew better than to try and just brush her off. It was pointless to even try.

_"Well too bad. That baby has to stay healthy. No more tragedies."_

_"I know...you sound like Britt now."_

_"Great! I'm glad she is on top of you."_

_"Wanky."_ Mami glared and I rolled my eyes. _"_ _She's more than on top of me she practically spoon feeds me."_

_"Well can you blame her? Your last pregnancy was a disaster. You were underweight, you had the diabetes...you did that...stuff. It was very stressful for all of us, especially Isaac. Your body took a beating and so now you have to be extra careful this time."_

_"Okay, okay. I know!"_ I got this kind of speech everyday from Britt and Quinn...don't even get me started on Rachel trying to shove that vegan shit down my throat...gross. Ugh!

Mami rolled her eyes at me and started pulling food containers out of the refrigerator. I hated to eat this late but I don't think she cared. I'm glad I hadn't told her about the shooting pains because I would have been on my way to the hospital the moment that I stepped into the kitchen. The pain had stopped but there was still a tingling going on down there. It was creeping me out but I just sat quietly, as she got ready to heat up rice, beans and chicken, I was hoping and praying that the baby was okay.

 _"Oh...and don't forget to call Brittany. You should have been here over an hour ago, so just let her know that you got here safely."_ Mami said over her shoulder as she put my plate together to go in the microwave.

 _"Crap. She is not going to be happy."_ I mumbled as I dug around in my purse for my phone.

Seven new messages. Ugh...I hope she isn't too upset. I couldn't deal with any extra drama.

* * *

**_R u there yet?-B_ **

**_Y hsnt ur plne landed?-B_ **

**_Call me, Ana!-B_ **

**_Puck says he drppd u off...call me.-B_ **

**_Wats tkin so lng?-B_ **

**_Pttng Izzy dwn 4 da nite. Still w8ing 4 ur call-B_ **

**_K, now im strtng 2 wrry :(-B_ **

I knew that she was extra anxious but this was borderline extreme, really seven messages? Mami put a huge serving of food in front of me and then headed over to the refrigerator to put things back and grab me some water. I sighed as I looked at my phone. I was trying to decide if I should call before or after I ate when all of a sudden a call was coming through...I guess she made the decision for me.

_"Hey B!"_

_"Ana...hey baby. How are you?"_

_"I'm alive."_

_"Um...ok. Did you eat?"_

_"I am currently sitting in front of a huge plate of arroz con pollo. Mami is insisting I eat something."_

_"That's good, was your flight okay?"_

_"I guess there was some delay. How was Isaac after I left?"_

_"He was very fussy. Started wheezing a little. He's okay now though."_

_"Did you give him a treatment?"_

_"Yes. He was fine afterwards."_

_"Okay, well you should take him in to see his doctor tomorrow just to check on things."_

_"I will."_

_"I'm going to call you when I head to bed, Mami is giving me a death glare since I'm not eating."_

_"Okay...enjoy your food."_

_"Thanks."_

_"I love you."_

_"I love you too, B."_

* * *

I hung up the phone and just sat there looking down at plate, waiting for the nausea to come but it never did.

Odd.

My nausea when faced with food had become a constant for days. Maybe I missed my mother's cooking? I could feel Mami's eyes on me and was suddenly feeling like I was five again and I wasn't allowed to leave the table unless I finished my food. I looked up at her and smiled before looking down again and gripping my spoon. (I hated eating with forks...fun fact about me.) I jumped when Mami cleared her throat...have I ever mentioned how much that annoys me? Because it really fucking does.

 _"Eat, Santana!"_ I cringed at her use of my full first name. She meant business.

I lifted the spoon to my lips and began to eat slowly. I didn't want a repeat of that morning when I was hugging the trashcan. My body though, seemed to be in a totally different place because my taste buds were going crazy with all the amazing flavors of Mami's cooking. Nausea was the furthest thing from me as I began to inhale the food on my plate.

About halfway through, I began to get full so I slowed down and drank some of the ice cold water. Mami still watched me as she drank her cafe con leche. I knew that she was going to watch me the entire time and it made me anxious. The food was amazing but I just didn't have a pregnant woman's appetite. I could never overeat. It just wasn't in me.

 _"So, Mami...what are you doing tomorrow?"_ Even though I already knew what my mother's agenda was on Sunday's I had a point in my line of questioning.

_"I'm going to morning mass, then I have a council meeting and after that I'm playing tennis with your mother in law back on the courts."_

_"I didn't know Susan played tennis."_

_"I've been teaching her. She comes over and we chat and then I kick her ass at tennis."_

_"Just watch yourself...those Pierce women are fast learners. I taught Britt how to handstand and now she can do it one handed. It's sick."_

_"I am starting to see that. It's all in good fun though, so what do you have planned?"_

_"I'm kind of taking things as they come. Would you mind waking me up so that I can go to mass with you? It's still at six right?"_

Which was in four hours.

_"Yes...just like always. You haven't made six am mass with me since your quincenera. I'm surprised."_

_"I do enjoy church you know."_ I said as I stabbed at my piece of chicken with the dull edge of the spoon before giving in and picking it up with my fingers.

_"I know that...it's just random. You know your Abuela will be there."_

_"That's doesn't matter to me. She still isn't speaking to me anyway. This is not about her."_

_"Then what's it about?"_

_"I just feel so lost in all of this...Ian really threw me for a loop. I need to reconcile with my faith and my God. I need to understand why he did what he did."_

_"And?"_ she kept pressing...damn her for knowing when I'm skating around an issue.

_"That's the reason."_

_"So, it has nothing to do with the fact that Ian's mother also goes to every mass, faithfully?"_

I felt my cheeks get hot as I shoveled the last of the rice into my mouth, so I didn't have to answer her. She knew me too well, probably better than I knew myself. I looked up and saw that knowing smirk on Mami's face. I swallowed and shrugged my shoulders in defeat. Fine...I would fill her in since she was so freaking nosy.

_"Okay, fine...that may have something to do with it."_

_"Why do you want to see her?"_

_"Noah told me that she is barring me from the funeral. She doesn't want me there and I just want to talk to her about it."_

_"Barring you? On what grounds? Why would she want to do that?"_

_"I don't know but I'm going to find out."_

_"You aren't going to cause a scene in the church, are you because I still live here."_

_"Ay, no mami! I know better than that. Besides, I don't want to make an already bad situation, even worse. I just want to pay my respects to the father of my child. I feel like that isn't asking for much. Is it?"_

_"No...it's not."_

_"I promise to be respectful. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Thank you for everything, Mami. I'm really stuffed...do you mind if I head to bed?"_ I still had a little bit of food left on my plate but I honestly couldn't eat another bite. The tingling in my stomach had faded away and sleepiness was finally setting in...thank God!

 _"Okay, mija, I'll walk you up."_ She cleared my plate and rinsed it before sticking it in the dishwasher. I waited patiently for her in the foyer with my bag in hand. She looked at me uneasily but didn't say anything as I began to climb the stairs. I was glad that she wasn't insisting on carrying my bag because I didn't want to be babied but on the other hand, I was insanely glad that she walked the entire way with a hand pressed to my lower back so that I remained stable.

When we reached the top of the steps, I kissed her cheek while I held tight to my bag. She looked relieved that I had managed the stairs safely and so was I.

 _"Te amo, Anita."_ She said.

 _"Te quiero, Mami."_ I whispered back when she left me outside my door and walked to her end of the hall.

From the moment that I was in my old bedroom, I felt peace settle over me. There weren't many memories of me and Ian in this room, thankfully. It was an eerie feeling to always sense a person after they die but here in this room, I felt at peace to have a breather from it. I leaned against the door and tried to calm my breathing. The panic attack was lingering in the background, waiting to pounce but I wouldn't let it. I walked slowly over to my bed and got down on my knees.

_"Senor...Ayudarme! I feel so helpless. You have held me up so much in this past year when I wanted to give in, you have watched over Isaac...you even helped me find peace in my marriage. Please be with me tomorrow. I can't do this without you. Watch over my family and friends tonight...please have mercy on Ian's soul. In your blessed name...Amen"_

* * *

I pushed down on the bed and stood back on my feet, feeling a little queasy. My whole body felt tired and achy. It was insanely late but I knew that I needed to wash the day off of me. I could feel the tears as I headed into the bathroom. I remembered how Ian and I had thought we'd conceived this baby in a shower. How he held me close as I cried. How he laid claim to it even after he knew the truth. Now here I was three and a half months later, preparing myself to put him in the ground.

The fact that Ian would never get to see the face of this baby that he claimed as his own, made my very soul ache. Standing in the shower was too much for me but I still pushed through, scrubbing my body until my skin was sore. The pain reminded me that I was still here.

The water had started to run cold when I finally stepped out of it with my whole body feeling weighted down. I was filled with so much sorrow and loathing. I rubbed my hands over my stomach and could feel how hard it was and how it was becoming rounded even though it still looked flat. I was in awe that I was going to do this pregnancy thing again. I was scared.

I stood there looking at my reflection in the mirror for a long time before I began to dry myself. I kept looking at the scar that sat at my hairline, the scar that brought Isaac into the world. Ian had been so fascinated with it. I cried as I remembered him kissing it and running his long fingers over it. I remember the lust that awoke in me and how I wished that it was love. I touched the scar and felt the shooting pain again. I almost buckled over but caught myself. I leaned heavily on the counter top and took deep breaths. I definitely needed to make it a point to see Dr. Ramirez.

Moisturized, minty and dressed in a giant shirt, I turned off the bathroom light and made my way into my childhood bedroom. I could sense a presence as I ran a towel through my hair and when I looked up there sitting on my bed was Quinn looking freshly showered and in her pajamas. I stood there shell shocked as she looked up at me with tired eyes. She seemed unsure of what to say but that apparently wasn't a problem for me.

_"What are you doing here?"_

_"I just couldn't let you do this alone. I caught the flight right after yours stopped in to see Judy and then came straight here. I hope you don't mind."_ She said as she stood up and held her arms open to me. I smiled and rushed into her arms nearly knocking her over with my excitement. I hadn't realized just how much I wanted someone here with me.

 _"How did you get in?"_ I asked, suddenly wondering if she just climbed through my window or something.

 _"I called ahead to let your mom know that I was on my way...plus I still have a key."_ she said as she jangled the keys in front of my face.

 _"I'm so glad you're here."_ I said hugging her close to me again.

_"Me too. Gladys told me that we are going to mass tomorrow morning. That it was your idea?"_

_"Yea. I need to go."_

_"Good. I'm glad that you decided to go. No matter what your reasons are."_ She hinted that she knew more than she was letting on.

_"Did she tell you anything else about why I wanted to go?"_

_"Mrs. Perkins."_ she said while raising an eyebrow.

_"Yea."_

_"Well I'm glad I came then. You're going to need me."_

_"Am I?"_

_"You don't think you're going to need my amazing people skills and manners?"_

_"Of course I do, you know that I just have rage and always go to the yelling place. I'm just really glad that you came...thanks Q."_

* * *

I hadn't realized just how much I missed attending mass. I sat close to the front and found myself completely drawn in. I sat between Quinn and Mami as the priest went on and on about the trials and tribulations that keep us from being good Christians. He seemed to be tailoring the message to me but maybe I was just feeling a little guilty about everything.

For years, when I attend mass, it's usually in West Lima, closer to home. No one knows me there, not really but Mami had still kept with her same parrish. The same one that I was confirmed in that sat on the border between Lima proper and Lima Heights.

This was how Mami knew I was here with a purpose because I hadn't been here since Ari. Since...things started to become serious with Marco.

I kept finding myself peeking across the pews looking for the woman that could be Ian's mother but I was surrounded by a sea of blonde hair and blue eyes. I realized then that I had no idea what this woman looked like. What I did notice though was my Abuelita, she was sitting on the pew in the front of us in the next aisle. She looked almost annoyingly happy.

Mami had pointed it out and commented that it was because I had come but I couldn't help but feel like it was something more than that, something darker and more spiteful. That wasn't the look of a loving grandmother that was happy about the return of her prodigal nieta, no that was the look of someone who was gloating.

The time flew by and before I knew it, mass was over. I sat quietly as I waited for everyone else to stand up. I was hoping that my grandmother would pass right by us but I wasn't so lucky. I heard her clear her throat from directly in front of us. I looked up and saw her standing with a gorgeous blue eyed, jet black haired woman. Abuela didn't say a word to me as she looked between me and Mami. She just smiled that gloating smile. I knew it so well because I had one identical to it. This wasn't good.

 _"This is her, Megan."_ Abuelita said as she looked towards me again. I cocked an eyebrow and stood to my feet. I had intended to seek out Mrs. Perkins but she ended up seeking me out and with my grandmother's help she had found me.

_"Santana Lopez? Imagine my shock to see you here this morning."_

_"Yes ma'am. It's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Perkins."_

I smiled genuinely and found myself resting a hand to my stomach as a pain shot through me. I felt a little unstable as I looked into her cold ice blue eyes. They were identical to Ian's but there was no warmth there. This was the woman that had made the last few months of Ian's life miserable.

Her very presence reeked of superiority but I knew that she lived in a rundown place in Lima Heights. I knew that she could barely afford to feed her family but I wasn't going to make this about that. I was going to be respectful. I was doing this for Ian and for Isaac.

The woman nodded and looked around me and at Q, briefly appraising her before looking back at me.

_"Is this Brittany?"_

_"Oh no, this is my best friend Quinn. Brittany is back in New York with my son."_

_"My grandson, Isaac."_

_"Yes."_

_"Why didn't you bring him?"_

_"I wanted to but I didn't think his lungs could handle it. He has been a very sick boy."_

_"Yes...I've heard why."_ she said as she looked me over again.

I felt my blood freeze in my veins. Had Ian told her? Very few people outside of family knew the real reason why Isaac was sick. She cocked her eyebrow and I swallowed hard. Fuck. This was not good.

_"..."_

I was speechless. I felt Mami and Quinn both place a hand on my arms. They were afraid that I was going to lash out and cause a scene but they couldn't even begin to understand how I felt as I looked at this woman. I felt like I was on the verge of tears. I heard Abuelita sniff with disdain. My eyes snapped to her and I could see that she was still smirking. It had been her. She had told this woman about my addiction. She had told her how I almost killed my son. I was heartbroken.

 _"Would you mind joining me for coffee? We should talk, I know that's why you're here."_ she said snapping me from my thoughts.

 _"Of course. I was hoping to sit down and talk with you at some point. Do you mind if Quinn comes along?"_ Just from the way this woman was acting in the church I knew that I couldn't go anywhere with her alone.

_"That's fine. Do you know where my house is?"_

_"Yes ma'am. I used to drop Ian off there all the time."_

I saw her flinch when I mentioned his name and knew immediately that this wasn't going to be an ordinary tea. She nodded after her brief flinch and then looked down at her watch before looking back up at me.

 _"Lets say nine?"_ she said sweetly. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.

_"We'll see you then."_

The moment that the two women walked away, I sucked in a deep breath. I had one hand on my stomach and the other on my head. I was getting a headache trying to hold in all the tears. It seemed like things were just getting harder and harder and just like Britt predicted, it was making me sick.

But I needed to be at his service, I needed to make nice with his mother and if nothing else, I needed to be there on behalf of my son.


	4. Tu No Sabes (Don Omar)

By the time that we left the church, I felt sick again. The pain in my back was back and now my stomach had joined the party, great! Mami and Quinn flanked me as we stepped outside.

 _"It was nice having you two at mass. I have my meeting downtown, so this is where we part ways. Where are you ladies headed?"_ Mami asked and I shrugged, trying to put all of my focus into keeping my head up and not vomiting was more important. Luckily, Q never had a problem with answering for me.

_"Probably to the Lima Bean, we'll grab a quick bite before we head to Mrs. Perkins."_

_"See Mami, there's no shortage of people making sure I eat."_ I said as I climbed in the passenger seat of Q's old bug.

_"Good! That means you have surrounded yourself with a village."_

_"Of Fools."_ I said once the door was closed.

 _"Bee in your bonnet?"_ Q asked cheerfully and I buckled in and rolled my eyes.

 _"Just shut up and drive, please?"_ I muttered.

 _"Santana! Do not tell me to shut up, that's not nice."_ She said, still bubbly as we left the church.

I didn't bother apologizing, instead I just rested my head back and closed my eyes. All I wanted in that moment was Ian and my son. The ache that I felt was so deep that even my unborn was feeling it.

My fault.

Quinn turned up the radio and I groaned as NPR played.

 _"Good God, are you 85 years old?"_ I asked and she cleared her throat.

_"I'm choosing not to engage your taunts right now."_

_"By responding you just did."_

After that we were both silent as we headed to the Lima Bean while she tried to bore me and the baby to death.

My phone vibrated but I just let it go to voicemail, even though I knew it was Britt.

Even though just yesterday when I got the news, she was all that I wanted...right then all I wanted was the assurance that I would be allowed to go to the funeral.

I had thought getting Quinn to shut up was me getting the last laugh but when we got to the Lima Bean and she ordered food for me, paid for it and then proceeded to watch me eat an entire danish...I was suddenly feeling like she was the one laughing.

The first moment that I could, I excused myself to the bathroom and shoved my fingers down my throat.

A million years ago, I promised B that I wouldn't make myself throw up and up until that moment I had kept that promise.

Oh well.

When I came out of the stall, Quinn was staring in the mirror at her reflection as she touched up her lip gloss.

_"You okay?"_

_"Morning sickness."_ I lied and she didn't bother responding, she just nodded and checked her watch.

_"We should get going then, unless you wanted to try eating again?"_

_"No thanks."_ I said before rinsing my mouth and then shoving a stick of gum in my mouth.

If she was skeptical she didn't show it.

Thankfully.

* * *

It was a silent ride as I tried to ignore the lurching in the pit of my stomach.

I felt so broken inside after seeing that Abuela had literally tried to sabotage any chance that I had of building a bridge between me and Ian's mother. I mean shit, I don't like the woman, even more so now that I have met her, but that is no reason for Abuela to try and fuck shit up. No matter what, this woman is still the grandmother of my child, she is Isaac's blood and I don't want to get in between that. Sangre...is sacred. Papi always stressed that nothing should come between blood, nothing! Abuela knew that...she understood that, so why the hell was she trying to screw things up for me?

On top of my grandmother's betrayal was the way that Mrs. Perkins was acting. She acted as if I was the one that held the gun to her son's chest, as if I was the one who wronged her. Guilt plagued me because I was still unsure who that gun belonged to but she had no way of knowing that, unless...did she think I gave it to him? Then there was the flinch when I mentioned his name. It seemed like the very mention of her son made her skin crawl. I knew that Quinn had noticed the flinch like I did but she didn't seem too keen on talking about it.

We both knew that there was so much shit that we didn't know and that attempting to guess was fruitless.

My throat was raw from the way my nails had scrapped the back of my throat and it served me right for forcing morning sickness on myself.

My fault.

 _"So your grandmother..."_ I could tell that Quinn didn't quite know how to phrase the question and so I just offered what I could in hopes that it would quench her thirst because no one but Britt really knew just how damaged my coming out was to my relationship with my Abuela.

_"I came out to her just after Finn outed me. She told me it was better that I had just kept it all a secret. She told me she never wanted to see me again, speak to me again...that she didn't want me in her house. This morning was the first time that I saw her since that day."_

_"Wow, San, I had no idea. Why didn't you tell me?"_

I shrugged. _"There was nothing you could do."_

_"Why did Gladys just stand there like that? Why didn't she defend you?"_

_"That's her mom. She is always like that in front of her...like a statue. I mean out of my mother's six siblings...my Abuela only talks to Mami and Titi Paola. She has cut out her own children for one thing or another over the years. My mom is afraid that if she crosses her that she will disown her too. Its pathetic but I can understand it."_

_"Has she met Izzy?"_

_"No."_

_"Wow, not even your son? He's an innocent. I don't want to call her a bad Christian but fuck."_

_"I know."_

_"I just can't believe it all, how do you deal with it San?"_

_"Not well. I ignore it until days like today when it is thrust back into my face."_

When we got back to the house, I had just enough time to change into more comfortable clothes and to have toast at Q's urging. I promised myself that I would eat a bigger meal later. I just didn't have the appetite and wasn't going to force myself to eat food that I didn't even want. The pain in my stomach was now a constant so I was going to give in and go straight to the hospital after meeting with Mrs. Perkins. I felt like I no longer had a choice because Quinn was beginning to take notice and I didn't want her to call Britt.

* * *

In the time that I had known him, Ian had never invited me into his house, like ever and I never argued or said anything about it because I knew better. Sometimes that's just how it goes down in that part of Lima Heights. It was the part that Abuela never let me enter on my own as a kid since it was in the more run down part of town and that's saying something since the Spanish part of Lima Heights is pretty rough for a cow town like Lima. This was the Irish part of Lima Heights that you don't go to alone if you are any shade of tan or brown and definitely not if you were gay. I felt a little on edge and I was glad that Q had come, she was as white bred as they come.

So each time that I dropped Ian off, I just hugged him, kissed him and watched him walk to the door. I never stayed longer than absolutely necessary and I would quickly lock my doors like he insisted and then would speed off. I never asked questions about his home life. I never asked questions about much of anything...I always just waited for him to tell me what he wanted me to know, so now that he was gone and I had a billion questions and I was going stir crazy.

There was an ache in the pit of my stomach that added to the other pains that I was trying my best to ignore because I had to be tough.

For Ian.

Screw whether I belonged in this part of Lima Heights or not, I could handle myself.

I was born in New York City, I spent all of my free time as a kid in Lima Heights but I had never felt poor. In fact, Papi had made sure that I never knew poverty personally but he still always made sure I respected it because even the rich can be poor. So, I had grown up always just accepting that some people had more and some people had less and made sure that no matter how many insults that I was slinging I never talked about someone's station in life. I have never been that kind of snob. I prided myself on that but for the first time I felt snooty as I pulled the car up to the sidewalk, just outside of the tattered house.

The BMW was gone, which made my skin feel tight because now, I wasn't feeling so fucking generous. That car was still in my father's name, I had paid for it's last service and if I wanted, I could take it back at any moment.

My hope was that I wouldn't be pushed that far. I just wanted to be civil.

As we stepped out of the car I could see people peering through their windows at us. It made me happy that we hadn't come in Papi's old convertible and had come in Q's bug instead.

When we climbed the stairs up to the front porch that I had watched Ian stand on dozens of times I was suddenly overcome with a wave of emotions stronger than any I had felt thus far.

Quinn grabbed onto my arm as I bent over to catch my breath.

_"Are you going to be sick again?"_

_"I just need a sec."_ I said, trying my best to gather myself.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Being emotional is the worst part of being pregnant, for me. I have cried more in the past year than I had in my whole life prior. It was so out of character for me. Britt loved it about me, it made me more real...or something to that effect. I just thought it made me seem weak. Q rubbed my back and handed me a tissue. I nodded in appreciation as I stood to my full height again and then tried my best to wipe my tears.

She looked at me in concern as her hand hovered, _"You ready?"_

I nodded and she knocked on the door. I knew that my makeup was probably a wreck and vowed that I would stop wearing it until I got my crying under control.

* * *

I had expected Mrs. Perkins to answer the door since it was exactly nine but instead of the cold unfeeling eyes from earlier, we were greeted by a girl that I had never seen before. She was gorgeous. She had the same blue eyes as her mother but hers had all of the life and warmth that Ian's had. Her hair fell down past her shoulders in black silky curls and her pale face was littered with freckles. The contrast of dark hair with blue eyes was eerily similar to Isaac, almost like in a few years, she could be his mother. I was struck with fascination.

Who was she?

Ian had never mentioned siblings but then again, he never mentioned much at all.

Noah was right, I never treated him the way that he deserved.

My fault.

Quinn looked over at me with a questioning glance but I just shrugged my shoulders and plastered on my best, non threatening smile.

The girl smiled back at us and then she bowed her head, averting her eyes away from us before she stepped back and opened the door wider. Quinn stood rooted to her spot on the step, so I stepped in first, pulling her along with me. The girl quickly shut the door and locked it. If it had been anyone else, that gesture would have immediately put me on high alert but I felt like I could immediately trust this girl. It was the aura that surrounded her, it made me immediately comfortable.

Just like Ian.

So many more questions were cropping up in my head and I just couldn't contain them all. I wanted to ask a billion things of the girl but I knew that it wasn't something that was proper. She didn't know me. She had no reason to just give me all the information she had. What if she didn't know anything? What if she was just some neighbor?

Okay...I knew that was a stretch...she was definitely a Perkins...just how, I wasn't sure yet.

We stood by the door and looked around the intimate space. It seemed like everything in the house shined and what didn't shine was covered in plastic. It reminded me of my Abuela's house. She couldn't do anything about the neighborhood or the state of her house on the outside but the inside was always clean and organized. I felt a small smile come to my lips. It had a homey feel to it that put me at ease.

But even though it felt comfortable, I tried not to stare at anything too long, I didn't want to be rude and I also knew that Quinn wasn't used to Lima Heights or any of the houses. Quinn learned her humility in the face of poverty from me and so I knew that she was taking her cues from me on how to appropriately behave. So I was definitely policing myself.

Everything needed to go just right.

* * *

I was insanely grateful when the girl ushered us into the tiny kitchen and gestured us towards two seats at the small wooden table. The kitchen was just as immaculate as the rest of the downstairs part of the house. The girl looked a bit anxious as she stood there watching us. Quinn was sitting there playing with the hem of her dress while I openly examined the girl. It was almost creepy the fascination that I had with her.

 _"You are very beautiful...my brother spoke a lot about you."_ she finally said in the most angelic voice and I wished right then that I could return the sentiment but there was no way I could.

I was blown away. And no, I wasn't creeping on her in _that_ way. It's happened a few times in my life, where I have met someone who I feel like I have known before. It is what I felt when I met Quinn and again when I met Brittany. I was thrown off when she gave me an insight into her identity and I was totally intrigued now.

 _"You're Ian's sister?"_ I whispered back, my throat suddenly tight. Never had he spoken about her, not even once.

So much for thinking that I knew anything about my son's father.

There goes that flinch again. Maybe Ian's name had become a taboo with his family, I mean he had just killed himself in the very house that I was sitting in. It was enough to make me cringe. She looked up at me and smiled really big and I saw him there, all over her face. Of course she was his little sister.

 _"You shouldn't say his name, while you're here. Mother can't bear to hear it and if I'm honest...it hurts to hear you say it."_ she said looking away and then quickly wiping at her eyes. She was embarrassed by the tears. She looked like she was internally scolding herself for having them. She took a deep breath after she was sure that no more tears remained on her face and then looked back up at me with bright eyes.

 _"I'm sorry."_ I said immediately.

_"It's alright, you didn't know."_

_"Where is your mother?"_ I asked, trying to change the subject.

 _"Oh, mother just left. She is drove Uncle Thomas to work...she will return shortly."_ So that's where the car went. I didn't know much but I did know that Ian's family had been relying public transportation to get everywhere. If she was driving, odds are she was in Ian's car.

_"Oh...okay. So what's your name?"_

_"Victoria Ingrid but I like to be called Tor."_ she squeaked out.

 _"Nice to meet you, Tor, I'm Santana and this is my friend Quinn."_ I said, pressing a hand against Quinn's arm. Q looked up and flashed a smile before looking around again, she seemed uneasy and it was evident.

Whatever was going through her mind, she needed to get her shit together before Ian's mom got here or I was never going to let her hear the end of it.

_"I know who you are. You were Cheerios, I snuck into a lot of your practices. You were amazing."_

Quinn's head suddenly shot up and I did a double take. We would have noticed this girl. She was just Sue's type. She was gorgeous and thin. We both obviously couldn't remember ever seeing her and felt bad that we had missed such an opportunity. She smiled and shook her head at us, almost as if she could read our minds.

 _"You wouldn't have known me. I'm a freshman this upcoming year, hopefully a future Cheerio. My brother always let me watch the practices while I waited for him after school. I saw when you broke your leg."_ she said as she pointed at Quinn's leg.

Quinn blushed bright red as she rubbed her leg. _"Yeah that was a bad day."_ she mumbled then she appraised Tor from head to toe with that cold Head Cheerio gaze and then looked back up at the girl, _"And don't worry about Sue, the moment she sees you...she'll cut a varsity just to get you up on top of that pyramid."_

Tor beamed at Quinn's words and then leaned in closer to me before whispering, _"Do you have any pictures of the baby?"_

_"Of Isaac? Of course, I do!"_

I relished any opportunity to look at photos of my son. I pulled out my phone and clicked on a recent album. His smiling face lit up the screen and I felt another round of tears coming on. I missed him.

When I handed the phone over to her, I watched as her face lit up, too. She was scrolling through the pictures one by one and looked like this was the happiest moment of her life.

The front door slammed suddenly and without warning I watched the girl put the phone down and quickly scurry away. She had turned paler and looked like she had been caught red handed. I looked over at Quinn and could see that she looked a bit shaken and was quickly throwing up her walls. I prepared to do the same, especially after seeing how scared Ingrid was as she left the room.

I knew that look of fear in her eyes. Someone was hurting her. I was just praying that it wasn't in the same way that Ian was hurt.

* * *

Mrs. Perkins stepped into the kitchen with that same air of superiority that she had back at the church and immediately began to brew coffee. We sat quietly not knowing what to say or how to act in front of her. As she made the coffee, it made me question if she knew that I was pregnant again. Had Ian shared the news that he was choosing to father another one of my children?

Had he told her this one wasn't his but he expected to be seen as a father anyway?

 _"Ingrid, come in here and serve."_ she shouted.

Moments later, Tor came scurrying back into the kitchen with her head bowed and her lips tucked in her mouth. She looked like she was on the verge of tears but was doing her best to hold them in. What had been done to her that the very presence of her mother provoked such a fear in her? It was how I was when Papi was drunk but she didn't look bruised in any way.

More questions.

A shooting pain worse than all the others, shot through me and I could barely suppress the groan. I clapped a hand over my stomach and put the other over my mouth. The pain came with a bout of nausea as well.

Great, well at least the wench's back was turned.

Quinn looked over at me anxiously and placed a hand on my shoulder.

 _"Are you okay, San?"_ I nodded. It seemed the baby wanted to make its presence known. I just looked at Quinn and then down to my stomach.

 _"Nothing worse than normal...just a bit nauseous."_ I murmured hoping that seemed innocuous enough.

Mrs. Perkins sat down across from me and next to Quinn as we waited to be served our coffee but when the time came Ingrid only put cups in front of her mother and Quinn. Okay, with the way she acted, I could definitely tell that she knew at least. I smiled up at her and gladly accept the glass of water that she handed me. Ian must have told her.

 _"So it is true then, what your grandmother told me, that you're pregnant again?"_ Mrs. Perkins said as she stared me down. I took at sip of the water and let it wash down some of the nausea as I looked Ian's mother in the eye.

_"Yes."_

_"With my son's baby?"_

_"I'm due in February."_ I said evading her question because as of this moment only about four people knew this was Marco's child and I wanted to keep it that way.

_"I see."_

I sat there awkwardly and drank my water, trying hard to suppress the intense pain that I was in. I just had to last just a little while longer and then we could head to the hospital. I wasn't sure what to say at this point. I had been thinking about everything that I had wanted to say to this woman since I got to Lima but now it seemed like the words had dried up. I was too overwhelmed with everything else that was going on in my head and my body, to think straight. Quinn however has always been good in these awkward situations.

 _"Thank you so much for allowing us to meet with you, Mrs. Perkins. These circumstances aren't the very best, of course but the meeting of the most important women in your son's life was inevitable and incredibly necessary."_ I looked over at Q and smiled genuinely. How did I think that I would be capable of doing this alone?

 _"I agree, Mrs. Perkins. I know the pain it has caused me and so I can't even begin to fathom what you must be feeling, at a time like this."_ I said as I sipped my water again.

 _"Relief."_ She said matter-of-fact, with those cold eyes.

What?!

* * *

The water got caught in my throat and I began to choke on it. Had she really just said that? Quinn was patting me on the back as I tried to regain myself. What was wrong with this woman? When I finally regained myself I looked back up at her and could feel the frown marring my face.

_"Pardon me? I don't think I heard you right..."_

_"You heard me just fine. I am relieved that he is gone. My son was a burden on this family with all of his lies. He tainted our family by getting you pregnant twice. Then when I finally accepted that you and the baby weren't going anywhere, he told me how he had signed his rights away. That Isaac was no more my grandson than some pauper on the street."_

For the first time I could hear the strain in her voice. She was hurting. I could see it, I could imagine it. It was similar to Quinn's not being able to see Beth. I didn't like it one bit. If this was the problem, why hadn't he just told me? I had no problem with her getting to know Isaac. I mean yeah she seemed like a bitch but maybe that was because she felt like something was taken from her. Right? I could fix that. Easy.

 _"With all due respect Mrs. Perkins. I never kept your son from Isaac, not one day and I would never keep Isaac from you. Ever! I have no problem with you seeing him, getting to know him. I only want what's best for my son and I would never deny you from him, blood ties are very important to me."_ I said trying to hammer my point home.

_"So then why isn't he here?"_

_"Like I told you at the church, he is in New York. His lungs are still too vulnerable for the plane ride. Regardless of how he got sick, he is sick. Had I known though that this was the issue, I would have made it a point to drive here just so that you could see him."_ I had my hands clenched together on the table top and I maintained eye contact the best that I could. I couldn't believe that this had been the point of contention.

I hope that Ian didn't kill himself over it.

_"You don't mean that, do you? Are you lying to me? I've heard the stories about you. I know the things that you have done and how you treat people."_

_"I don't deny anything that I've done. I'm a bitch, undoubtedly. I have made my share of mistakes and I am stronger from those experiences. I loved your son, purely and unconditionally. He meant the world to me. There is no other man that I would want as the father of my children. I'm proud to have known him and to have created new life with him. I'm proud that I still hold a piece of him."_

_"You weren't proud enough. You left here with his son and you're pregnant to boot. You went off and married that girl when you could have married him and given your children a proper name."_

_"I'm a lesbian, Mrs. Perkins. I love my wife and don't regret marrying her. I am committed to her, he knew that and he accepted it."_

_"Then how did you get pregnant again, if you are so committed to your wife?"_ I could feel the tears coming down and I didn't care. I could see why someone with such a soft temperament like Ian's could get crushed by this woman she was ruthless, she could teach Berry a few things.

_"Regardless of how it happened, it did and that changes nothing. I love my wife and Ian knew that, even if we shared a moment or two of comfort he knew where my heart was."_

_"And your wife is okay with that? She is okay that you broke your commitment to her with my son, over a moment of comfort? Is that why she isn't here with you?"_

_"She has school and she is caring for our son. Why are attacking me? I'm giving you what you want."_

_"I want to see him. I want you to prove that you mean to make good on allowing me to spend time with him."_

_"Fine. After the funeral I can fly you and Ingrid out to New York...put you up in a hotel. Anything you need so that you can have your time with him."_

_"Are you trying to placate me?"_

_"No. I mean it. I will make all the arrangements."_

_"Why would you do that? After everything that I just said to you...why would you still be willing to spend that much money just so I can spend time with Isaac?"_

_"Because I know what it is like to be kept from someone that you love, to lose someone that you love. I won't do that to you. Isaac is your grandson. He has your eyes, your blood running through his veins...who am I to deny you your right to him?"_

_"That's awfully generous of you."_

_"No, it's fair of me. So, just let me know when you would like to come and I will arrange it all, ok?"_

_"And the new baby...will you allow me time with that child too?"_ I wasn't sure about that, this kid could very well looking dark and brown eyed like me and Marco but she didn't need to know that so I just rolled with it.

_"Of course, the same holds true for this baby as well."_

_"I may have been a little too hasty in banning you from the service after all...please accept my apologies, you're welcome to attend."_

_"No need, I understand...I apologize for any hurt that I caused your family. I hope that we can move past this and do what's best for everyone involved."_

* * *

I felt so sick to my stomach when she smiled at me. I felt like I had just sold my children or signed a pact with the devil. I didn't have a good feeling about all of this but I was hoping that for once my instincts were wrong. I made a move to stand but Mrs. Perkins cleared her throat. I shifted and looked back towards her.

 _"Before you go...I need you to do something for me."_ she said as she stood to her feet.

 _"Um...okay."_ I said, feeling like my patience with her was wearing thin.

She left the table and walked into the next room. Quinn was looking nervously at me and so was Ingrid. I could tell that they both didn't seem too happy about the arrangement that I had just made with Ian's mother and they weren't alone. I needed to talk this through with Britt. She could see what I couldn't see. No one could read people better than her. She would have known right away if this was all wrong.

I couldn't let this frazzle me while I still sat in that house so I just smiled at them both and tried to get them to relax. Quinn just nodded and finished off the last of her coffee. Tor though, stood there and looked at me with pity. I was definitely missing something. I felt a chill go through me as Mrs. Perkins walked back in the room with a metal lock box in her hands. I looked up at her with rapt attention as she placed the box down onto the table in front of me. I looked down at it and back at her. She had a bit of a smirk on her face and my stomach lurched again. There were little speckles of dried blood on it.

 _"Can you open this?"_ she said as she I looked down at the box and then back up at me. _"It was my son's. It has my father's cuff links in it. All the things that he cherished the most are in that box...you can have everything in it but I would like those cuff links back."_

She looked annoyed at the box. She must have been trying to unlock the thing for quite a while.

It was one of those four digit number locks, where you create your own pass code. Why would she think that I would know how to open it? As his mother, one would think that she of all people would know her son well enough to know what his pass code was but then again...knowing Ian...he was banking on her not knowing him at all.

I put in my birthday because hey, he was in love with me right? When the lock didn't click I knew that there had to be some other four digit number that he knew his mother wouldn't immediately know.

What was his pin number?

Finally a light bulb appeared in my head. Of course! I smiled to myself and then flashed a grin at Q, she knew immediately what the code was just as well as I did.

4,7,1,2

When the lock popped open, my heart melted and I smiled bigger, of course everything came back to Isaac.

 _"4/7/12, it's Isaac's birthday."_ Mrs. Perkins raised an eyebrow, she obviously hadn't known the day that her grandson was born. Tor though, was suppressing a grin...maybe she had tried to tell her mother.

I cracked the box open and a few flakes of dried blood fell to the table top. I had to bite on the inside of my cheek as the nausea filled me. This was all so real now. Then when I looked inside the box, I felt like I was looking into Ian's soul. I pushed through the stuff in there and found the black and silver cuff links that Ian had worn to the prom and pulled them out into the palm of my hand. I swallowed past the nausea yet again as I pushed the beautiful cuff links across the table.

I have never seen anyone move so quickly. The woman swooped down and gripped the cuff links in her hand tightly with a look of triumph on her face. I shrugged and looked down at the box again.

_"Are you sure you don't want to at least see some of this stuff before I take it?"_

_"I got what I wanted...the rest of that junk will probably mean more to you than it ever will to me."_

* * *

The moment that we stepped out onto the porch, I sucked in a deep breath. I was still trying to fight my tears and the pain that was now shooting through my stomach and my ass. I felt like I was going to die. Quinn tossed an arm around my shoulders and led me down to the pavement.

 _"I need you to take me somewhere okay."_ I mumbled.

_"Okay, you're looking pale. You okay?"_

She helped me into the passenger seat and I closed my eyes in relief.

It felt good to be out of that woman's house. I clutched the lock box and tried to center myself.

I suddenly felt like I couldn't move. I rested my head back and turned towards Quinn. Although she had already started the car she looked like she was having trouble moving herself. I had been shocked by how silent she had been. I knew that she was thrown off her game and didn't know how to deal with it. She looked back at me and then reached over and buckled me in. I smiled appreciatively as I clutched the blood spattered metal box in my lap.

 _"That woman gave me the creeps."_ Quinn said as she adjusted the mirrors.

_"Yea...I felt the same way. I can't believe she was related to Ian."_

_"Are you really going to fly her out to New York?"_ we pulled out onto the street and were finally making our way away from Lima Heights. Thank God!

_"Yes...that way I can keep an eye out and so Brittany can be there. I wish she had been with us just now."_

_"Me too."_

_"I do know though that I wouldn't bring Isaac here that's for sure."_

_"I second that."_

I groaned through a cramp and clenched my eyes closed. _"I feel like shit."_

 _"You're really starting to worry me San. Where do you need to go?"_ Quinn said as she gripped the steering wheel tightly.

_"To the hospital."_

_"Ugh! Did we not spend enough time there this year? Do you feel that bad?"_

_"Yes. Besides you can blame this on Britt. She called Dr. Ramirez so that I could get a checkup and now I think I need it."_

_"Of course she did. You know I love B right?"_

_"Yes...but I agree she is being a bit overprotective."_

_"Absolutely. How can you stand it?"_

_"I prefer it to the cheating, the abuse, and um the lies."_

_"You have a point."_

_"I'm nervous Q."_

_"On a scale from one to ten, how bad is the pain?"_

_"A fifteen"_

_"Yea...then Britt was definitely right."_

* * *

As we drove to the hospital, I texted the good doctor just to let her know that I was showing up to my appointment a little early and that I wasn't feeling too hot, so as we walked up to the doors to the annex, with Quinn holding my arm because walking was a bitch, there she stood. I smiled through the pain as I felt a bit of nostalgia at seeing Dr. Ramirez.

 _"Santana Lopez! Aren't you looking pretty in pink."_ I had forgotten that I was wearing a pink summer dress. I know crazy but true. Pink is my thing lately.

 _"Thanks doc."_ I muttered.

 _"And Ms. Fabray...always the innocent in white!"_ I rolled my eyes. Quinn was far from a fucking virgin...yet she still dressed like it.

 _"Innocent, Ha!"_ I laughed out loud not being able to contain myself. Quinn landed an elbow to my side and the pain that shot through me made me wince.

 _"Careful there Quinn, do that again and you'll have an angry lesbian on your hands."_ I choked out as we entered the exam room.

I headed straight into the bathroom and changed out of my clothes and into the hospital gown. I hated them but they were a necessary evil during exams. When I reentered the room, Quinn was typing away on her phone just outside the bathroom door. Probably texting Britt, no doubt. I crawled up on the exam table, while Quinn sat on the chair just beside me. I was feeling a bit dizzy and just wanted to vomit but I knew that there was barely anything in my stomach.

Dr. Ramirez came into the room and shut the door before proceeding to wash her hands and snap on some gloves. She seemed amused with herself today...or maybe I brought that out in her. I wasn't quite certain. I leaned forward with my hands on my knees and looked at her as I took deep breaths.

 _"Lie back."_ I nodded and finally gave in to the urge to rest my body. The moment I laid onto the pillow, I felt my body relax tenfold. She stood over me and looked down into my face as she adjusted the bed into a more reclined position so that I was almost sitting up but not quite. Her happy expression looked a little troubled all of a sudden. _"So let's go for the tough stuff first, since you aren't looking so good...ok?"_

 _"Okay doc."_ I choked out as she began to take my temperature and blood pressure.

_"Have you gotten high lately?"_

_"Not since May. I also haven't touched alcohol."_ I said, feeling proud of myself.

_"I see that rehab had a powerful impact on you."_

_"It definitely did, I still have cravings from time to time but I'm learning to manage them."_

_"Good to hear! Are you seeing a doctor in the city?"_

_"Yes. Dr. Cabot...she has nothing on you doc...although she is pretty hot."_

_"And I'm not? I mean it's a shame really...the hottest doctors do make the biggest mistakes."_

_"That's not true! And if it is...then Quinn is sure in trouble!"_ I couldn't see her but I'm pretty sure Quinn was shooting me a death glare.

_"Have you had any spotting?"_

_"No...just a lot of pain lately."_

_"When did it start?"_

_"On the plane yesterday."_

_"Alright...lets get you on your feet and then we can further examine you._ _Come step up on the scale."_

 _"Ugh...I hate t_ _his part."_ I bitched as I slid down onto the cold floor tiles. Quinn had a hand out to steady me thankfully, since I nearly landed on my face. _"Thanks, Q."_

 _"No problem."_ she said as she continued to walk with me until I was securely up on the scale. I watched as Dr. Ramirez began to move the heavy metal pieces around and then she scrunched up her face and scribbled something down. I looked at her feeling a sense of dread.

_"113 pounds. That's not good enough."_

_"Are you kidding? Before Isaac I was 98. This is pretty heavy in my book."_

_"Well your book is flawed. Before this pregnancy I have you listed at 109...you need to gain more weight for this pregnancy to stick. How is your diet?"_

I shrugged as Quinn helped me back up on the table. I laid back against the pillows again and clenched my eyes shut as a pain hit me again, this time on my side. When I opened my eyes, I saw that Dr. Ramirez had her eyebrow cocked and was holding her hand out.

 _"What? Do I have to get back up?"_ I said as I rested up on my elbows.

_"Give me your phone."_

_"What for?"_ I asked as I grabbed my purse from Quinn. What could she possibly need it for? She came over to me and put her hand out again.

_"Hand it over."_

* * *

I sighed as I rummaged through my purse, total pigsty that it was, and pulled out my phone. Quinn looked amused as she watched me. Did I miss something? I unlocked the phone and then handed it over to her. I watched as she looked through it and then hit the screen. I rolled my eyes. I knew what she was doing and I did not approve. The room was suddenly filled with the sound of the phone ringing.

 _"Hey Ana!"_ Britt's voice came through. She sounded out of breath, like she had run to the phone.

_"Brittany, its Dr. Ramirez."_

_"Oh...hey Doc. Everything okay?"_ she sounded nervous and I could just picture her nibbling on her lip.

_"Working on it. I have your wife here. Could you tell me how often Santana eats?"_

_"Um...when I make her. I have a classes this summer so I usually have a least one meal a day with her. Why what's wrong? Is the diabetes back?"_

_"No. She is just a bit underweight for someone her height and age, especially someone who is almost four months pregnant. I need her to gain about 10 pounds."_

My jaw dropped I had never been that big...not even with Isaac. When I got pregnant with him I had just tipped the scale at 98 and when I had him I was 110. Is she kidding me? How was I supposed to manage that much weight? I was feeling sick just thinking about it.

 _"I will do all that I can. Thanks doc. Ana baby...what did you eat today?"_ she called through the phone. I swallowed deeply and then looked at the knowing looks from Quinn and Dr. Ramirez.

_"I had a danish but I got sick. Then I slice of toast and a banana."_

_"That's definitely not enough babe! Quinnie, can you please make sure she eats? Please?"_

_"Okay Britt. You got it."_ Quinn muttered as she smiled at me. I rolled my eyes.

 _"I have to get back to class now, love you guys. Ana...please eat!"_ the line cut out and then suddenly the silence was slapping me in the face. I sat there feeling annoyed that everyone was on my case. I could feel the irritation under my skin. My stomach was hurting and I hadn't gotten any answer to why that was.

_"Look I don't need this right now okay. I'm stressed. I'm tired, I'm in a fucking state of mourning and I'm hurting! Fix that and then worry about me eating...okay?"_

_"I just needed to stress why it is so important for you to take care of yourself. The last time that you were this stressed out you turned to drugs."_

_"Fuck, I know, okay? I'm doing my best."_ It was a lie and I think we all knew it but they just let it hang there. Then I thought of how excited Ian was to still be considered this kid's father. Maybe I could save his life but I could at least take care of the babies that he loved.

_"So what do you suggest, doc?"_

_"Eat more, to be honest you need to overeat when you can."_

_"Fine. I will try. Now can you please make the pain go away?"_ I huffed with all the irritation than I could muster. I was tired and achy and just wanted her to fucking fix me.

During my aggravating visit with the good doctor, I found out that the pain that I had was because my body was seeking nutrition from my muscles. She told me I controlled my pain by how much I ate. I thought it was a bullshit diagnosis but I just promised to drink three gallons of water and eat a whole steak, since apparently my iron was low too. She shot me up with a bunch of vitamins and put me on a drip until my body was back to its needed hydration levels. I will admit that I did feel better afterwards.

* * *

So I begrudgingly bit my tongue the whole ride home, not wanting to admit that I did indeed feel better. I attempted to go right up to bed but instead Quinn insisted on dragging me out to the tennis courts to tell my mom and mother-in-law about my doctor's visit and so I ended up in the kitchen with them as they all watched me eat an obscene amount of food.

They had wanted to get into the conversation that I had with Mrs. Perkins but after about two minutes of digestion I was falling asleep across the kitchen island.

So finally, Mami helped me upstairs to my room. I was feeling insanely tired so I allowed her to help me change and then she tucked me under my big comforter and turned the air on full blast just the way that I liked it. I thanked her graciously and then closed my eyes tightly, I just needed to escape for a few hours.

I slept longer than I had intended to because when I woke up it was dark outside. I dragged myself out of the bed and stretched my body out. The pain was completely gone now. I felt so relieved. I sat back down on to the bed and picked up my phone. I had a message from Quinn telling me she was spending the rest of the afternoon with her parents but would be back to cuddle. Then there was a message from my mother telling me that she was headed out shopping for dinner that night. Finally I saw that I had six missed calls from Britt and six text messages.

I needed to talk to her about this. She really should get into the habit of calling someone else to make sure I wasn't dead or something. Then again...she probably did...I mean she had called Noah and Dr. Ramirez. I scrolled through the texts which were more urgent as they went along.

**_Tlkd 2 ur doc agn. Said ur wy 2 sknny. Do u need me thr?-B_ **

_"No."_ I muttered in response.

**_Tlkd 2 Izzy's doc said he is clrd 2 fly-B_ **

_"Fuck no! I don't want him on a plane!"_ That had been three hours ago.

**_Bkd my tckt-B_ **

_"Fuck!"_

**_Where r u?-B_ **

_"Apparently not around to talk you out of coming."_

**_Gttng on pln c u soon-B_ **

_"I cannot believe you right now Brittany Susan."_ I was so angry. All my achieved peace had flown right out of the window.

**_Jst gt 2 Dayton, Izzy slpt da whl way.-B_ **

_"I can't believe you right now."_

I yelled as I threw my phone across the bed, it rolled until it landed with a thump, onto the carpeted floor.

Fuck!

I really didn't want him on a plane. Too late now I guess...now I just had no choice but to wait. She was going to get an earful when I saw her. I sat back in bed and tried to make the new ache in my head stop. I was literally shaking with rage.

When I heard a knock on the door a few seconds later, I burst into tears. I couldn't contain the emotions swimming through me in that moment. I just wanted Ian. I wanted him here to talk me down from the ledge...but then again...Fuck!

The door creaked open and there standing in front of me with the biggest grin on her fucking face was my wife. She knew though...she knew from the look on my face that she was the last person I wanted to see right now. Her face dropped and panic immediately flooded her features because she knew as well as I did, that she had just fucked up big time.


	5. Hard Place (H.E.R)

**Chapter 5: Hard Place (H.E.R)**

* * *

There was once a time in my relationship, when Britt could have done every unspeakable evil to me and I would have come running back to her with a smile on my face because she was my rock. When I look back I can't seem to remember when that stopped holding true for us...if I had to guess it would probably be somewhere around the time that she began to get physically abusive with me. She would probably tell you that it was the moment that I stepped off that bus and chose Marco over her or when Ian stepped into my life...I'm not sure who's right, so let's just say that it all of those things brought me to this point.

My palms were itching and my head was aching something fierce but I stood there looking up into her eyes and only knew one thing for certain, I needed her.

 _"Where's Isaac?"_ I asked.

_"Downstairs with your mom."_

_"Good, go wash your hands and come fuck me."_ I said, turning away from her and peeling off my clothes without even checking to see if she had done what I asked.

Right now, I needed to pause the fight that was brewing. In that moment of guilt and sadness over Ian, anger over her putting our son on a plane, and anxiety from an addiction that I was trying to ignore...in this moment I needed to feel like I was more than all of that.

When she came to the room, I was naked on the bed, my legs spread and my fingers already at work.

 _"Seems like you don't need me at all."_ She muttered as she climbed between my legs and used her damp hands to separate my thighs even further. Our eyes met and I raised my eyebrow.

 _"Would you rather we fight?"_ I asked.

She bit her lip and then slid down, her mouth was on me in seconds. I buried my fingers in her hair, scratching at her scalp hard. She nibbled on my clit and I raised off the bed. Her hands clamped down on my waist and I just laid there, mouth open in a silent scream as Britt fucked me. I collapsed on the bed but then her long fingers were sliding inside of me. She hovered over me now, pressing her fingers deep into me.

I clung to her as she wrapped an arm around me and held me against her chest. I groaned when she added more fingers and buried my face against her neck.

"Be quiet for me, baby." She whispered as I growled against her shoulder.

When she asked that, I thought of Marco every single time and I hated how powerless it made me feel but right then, I didn't feel much of anything.

I wanted the high of cocaine without the drama that it brought, so I did and said everything that I could to gode her.

_"Harder, Daddy."_

_"Still, baby?"_

_"All I can think of is Ian and Marco, make me forget."_

_"No I'm gonna make you remember."_

_"Hmm?"_ I said when she pushed the rest of her hand inside of me. _"Fuck!"_ I moaned and then bit down on her shoulder.

 _"You're mine. Always and only mine."_ She panted, her body becoming hotter as she fucked me.

The pain was a relief.

Not since Marco and my first night escorting, when I took one man after another...then him, did I feel this stretched, this satisfied.

_"Yes, Daddy, always and only yours!"_

I came with a whimper and then collapsed against her.

When she tried to move, I whimpered again.

_"All good, baby?"_

_"Yesss."_

She pulled out of me and then kissed my lips.

 _"Good, are we good now?"_ She said, coming off colder than she normally did.

It put me on high alert.

 _"No, B."_ I sighed and rubbed my itching palms over my face _. "We are so not fucking good."_

 _"Why?"_ She whined brushed her hair back and then pouted at me.

_"You know why."_

I sat there watching her as she sauntered over to the mirror and stared at her reflection. Her eyes seemed haunted almost and it was creeping me out. I stood up finally and grabbed my towel, needing to wash away all of these fucking emotions. The tears were coming and I didn't want her to see me break.

 _As I passed her, she didn't say anything she just stood there,_ examining the purpling bite mark I had left on her shoulder. Then her eyes met mine and she turned around looking resigned.

 _"Baby, I don't want to fight...I just...I thought I was doing a good thing."_ I sighed.

_"I know, B but bringing him here...it's just...you put his life in danger."_

_"Don't be so dramatic if anyone has put his life in danger it's you!"_ She snapped.

 _"That was low."_ I whispered and now the tears were coming and I was feeling like she slapped me, so I backed away from her and then ran into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.

So much for her being my rock.

* * *

I felt sick to my stomach, the food I had eaten earlier was swirling around in my stomach but I knew it wouldn't come up on it's own.

So despite my promise to Britt, I knelt there and shoved my fingers down my throat for a second time in a day. My throat ached but the relief of emptying my stomach was unmatched until I saw little specks of red in the toilet bowl. Even though I was upset, I was still honoring the no locked doors policy between me and B, which I forgot about until I felt her standing over me.

 _"Did you just do what I think you did?"_ She said and then she grabbed my left hand, my two fingers were still glossy with my saliva. _"I can't believe you right now."_

 _"I can't believe you either."_ I said as I slowly stood to my feet. She walked towards me until I was caught between her and the wall but unlike the past, she didn't pin me...thankfully.

" _You're mad at me and now I'm mad at you."_ She pulled away a bit so that she could look into my watery eyes. I clenched my eyes closed and then nodded my head before letting out another sob.

 _"I don't want to be mad at you, Britt. I know that you needed to see me. I missed you. I missed Isaac but you disobeyed me!"_ I was so angry with the tears that were pouring from my eyes.

Her eyes went wide.

_"Disobeyed? Since when is that a thing that I can do to you?"_

_"Is it not? Don't you feel like I disobeyed you by shoving my fingers down my throat?"_

_"No, I think you broke a promise. I did not PROMISE to not fly here but you promised to never do that again. I'm sorry, I went against your wishes, I won't do it again. Can you say the same?"_

What the actual fuck was this?

Now I was standing there, fucking weeping. I guarantee you that this is why I was dehydrated, because I cry every five minutes! I don't remember even crying this much when I was pregnant with Isaac.

_"I'm sorry too, B and I won't do that again okay but that's not the same as you putting our son on a plane for the first time without me and against my wishes, I'm still so fucking mad at you...what if he gets sick?"_

_"He was fine the whole flight and he's been smiling since he woke up. Look, baby, I understand that I upset you. It's okay to be mad. I totally did something that you didn't want me to do. I just needed to be with you. I needed to talk to you about things in person. I missed you so much. Izzy has been so fussy without you, so I know he missed you. It's only been one day and he keeps looking around for you. He's here now though, the family was so happy to see him. If he gets sick, I'll stay up nights and days helping him get better and we can just drive home, okay? Please just say you forgive me._ "

Brittany has the ability to slip things into her comments that I never think about until long after the conversation is over. This was one of those moments. She basically bombarded me with enough information to throw me off her scent but I heard what she said and I was storing it for later. Now though...there was something else that piqued my curiosity.

_"Fine. I forgive you."_

_"Good."_

_"Shower with me?"_

She nodded and stripped her clothes off, once I was underneath the water I felt whole again.

Water has always been that for me, it's always felt like home and having her with me, felt even better.

_"Did you say family earlier? Who's here other than Mami and Quinn?"_

_"Everyone! I was kind of shocked to see them all, actually. That's why I wanted you to be quiet. My parents are here, Celia and Damariz. Oh and some woman who seemed a little creepy."_

_"A woman? What did she look like?"_

_"I don't know...I literally walked in waved a quick hello and then came up. Quinn had the car seat and told me to just come on up and get you, so that's what I did."_

_"So, you were able to see who was here but you can't tell me what the woman looked like?"_

_"Let's quick get clean so you can see for yourself my love, dinner should be served any minute and I know that you haven't eaten since this afternoon."_

_"How do you know that?"_

_"Quinn was the one who picked me up from the airport. She told me that Gladys was making a huge family Sunday dinner to try and bring your spirits up."_

_"I don't really want to do that, B."_

_"Well, sorry...you don't have a choice here, Ana. You can't gain those ten pounds if you don't eat and even if you feel gross, you can't make yourself throw up anymore. Promise me."_

I held out my pinky and she squeezed it with her own.I looked up at her and sucked in a deep breath. I knew that she was right. I knew that whether I liked it or not I couldn't just think about myself anymore. If I was serious about having a healthy pregnancy and bringing this baby to term, which I was, then I had to do what the doctors asked of me. I also knew that I needed to not be so stressed and had to try to keep my anger to a minimum. I looked up into Britt's bright eyes, leaning in to press a kiss to her sweet, soft lips. I smiled into the kiss and then rested my hands on her hips and enjoyed the sweetness of her embrace.

 _"So, B how was school, did you finish up your last final? And who by the way throws a final on a Sunday?"_ I was trying to make small talk to keep my nerves calm. I had a sneaking suspicion that Mami had invited Mrs. Perkins over and that Britt was hiding something from me.

_"It was good. Exhausting. I'm glad that I got to take a dance this summer even if dancing finals are brutal. I almost broke my nose this morning, some chick did a spinning headstand and missed my nose by an inch. Oh and it was my idea. Our professor is this really sweet Jewish lady...like Rachel, she has Jewish church on Saturdays so she asked us if we minded moving the final to Sunday. Some people objected but I convinced them."_

_"Wow. Who knew you could be so convincing?"_

_"It's one of my many talents."_ she boasted.

_"So, are you done with school now?"_

_"Yes. So, now I'm free to bug you until I leave for the tour in October."_

_"And how long will you be gone again?"_

_"Just two months. It's a small tour. I will be back just before Christmas...then I have spring semester back at school so I will be here. Then there is the summer leg of the tour. I didn't sign on for that yet though, I figured we could talk more about it."_

_"Wow, B...you have it all planned out huh?"_ I said as I stepped from the shower, trying my best not to feel sensitive about her leaving me in a month. I had promised her that I would be okay while she went off and danced. It was her dream and so I had swallowed my opinions and agreed that she should go.

 _"Yes. If you want me to stay though_ _,_ _I will ."_ she said, biting her lip. She'd kept saying that ever since she signed the papers back in July. Each time though I would just look at her and shake my head. I wasn't going to stop her. She would be back for the birth of the baby and that was what was important.

 _"You're going. We agreed already. I will be fine. I have Sandra and Quinn. What more could I ask for?"_ I dried off my damp skin and then tossed the towel back on the rack. I shrugged and then turned to the full length mirror and looked at my body. It looked so distorted to me. My hips were too wide, my scar was red and puffy, my formally perfect boob job was looking a little too fluffy. Britt though, she looked at my body and just smiled. It made me uneasy as I raised an eyebrow. _"What...I look horrible don't I?"_

 _"I just think you're so beautiful, Ana."_ she whispered as she came closer to me.

I smiled and leaned in pressing my lips against hers and pulling her against my damp body. _"I think you are pretty hot yourself, Britt Britt."_

 _"I know. I want to continue what we started, this time without you being mad."_ she wrapped her hands around me and backed me against the wall. My skin vibrated with excitement and I felt the moisture pool between my legs. She kissed me hard and I kissed back, nipping at her lips. This was a much better way to deal with the tension that I was feeling. I had my hands in her hair as I pulled her closer to me when I heard a bang on the door.

 _"Enough of that ladies! We are all waiting for you two!"_ I heard Q chuckle from the other side of the door and watched as Britt's face lit up with a smirk.

 _"Cockblock..."_ I muttered loudly as I wrapped myself back up in a towel.

 _"Hey! I heard that!"_ Quinn yelled out.

 _"Hurry up sweet cheeks."_ Britt whispered in my ear as she slapped my bare ass. I jumped and pushed her towards the doorway.

* * *

I moisturized and brushed my hair while Britt dug some fresh clothes from our suitcases. She kept humming that lollipop song while Quinn silently scrolled on her phone.

_"Seriously, Q ball, do we get no privacy."_

She didn't even bother looking up as she spoke. _"No. I want to get dinner over with and you've already been up here with B for an hour. I know if I sit here, you'll move your asses."_

_"Or I could just fuck B right in front of you."_

Her eyebrow lifted but she still didn't meet my eyes.

_"You wouldn't fucking dare."_

And she was right, with the way I was feeling, the last thing I wanted to do was fuck Britt to prove some point.

I was just too sad.

We all headed down to the dining room together. I immediately stole my son from Mami and kissed his face a million times. He was babbling in my ear about something very interesting I'm sure and I allowed myself to finally breathe, Britt was right he was fine.

Maybe I was overreacting.

She'd washed him and dressed him in the cutest outfit and he looked just as happy as his best days. His sweet baby smell that made my heart fill with joy and once I pushed away my fear, I was able to acknowledge that I was glad that he was here and I knew in that moment that I was grateful for Britt coming because she knew that it would be easier for me to get through this tough time with Isaac in my arms. He was my piece of Ian.

He was my peace.

* * *

As fully entered the dining room I saw her, Mrs. Perkins stood out like a sore thumb amongst my family, she had Tor with her. They were sitting there still as stone as Mrs. Perkins talked to Britt's mom.

 _"Um...hey Q? Is that..."_ I muttered to her, even though I knew the answer already.

_"Yes. And she saw Izzy. I swear, San, it was the first time I saw that woman smile all day. Still creepy."_

_"Did she hold him?"_

_"No...only your mom."_

_"Good."_

I wanted to maintain my good faith with her...or build it. I'm still not quite certain where I stand with that woman but I wasn't about to pass up the opportunity to make nice.

As we approached the big table, I saw that there was an empty seat at the head of the table in reverence to my father and then there was Mami's empty seat. She was still in the kitchen while everyone sat at the table and chatted.

Mami had put Mrs. Perkins in the seat right beside her and me and Britt were on the other side next to her parents. Isaac's high chair was between our chairs.

The seating arrangement looked random but I knew that it served a purpose.

I would have Britt and Isaac on one side of me and Quinn on the other. It was quite genius actually. I was directly across from Celia and Damariz...and thankfully Britt's dad was across from Mrs. Perkins.

Did I lose you?

Either way...I didn't really have to talk to Ian's mother directly if I didn't want to. I would make sure to thank my mother later.

I walked Britt to her seat next to her mom and then I paused in my actions. I looked across the table and could see Mrs. Perkins watching me from the corner of her eye. I smiled down at my wife and then I walked around the table and slid into my mother's empty seat. The woman turned and looked at me questioningly. I looked down at my son and then back up at this cold woman that he was related to. My instincts were screaming for me to run the other way but I swallowed those feelings down and looked over at Britt. I knew she could see my worry. She was silently urging me to come back to our side of the table but I turned from her and looked back at Mrs. Perkins.

 _"Would you like hold him?"_ I asked as I brushed my sweaty hand through his curls.

 _"Are you sure?"_ she asked without a hint of excitement in her voice.

 _"He's your grandson, I meant what I said earlier."_ I said as I held him out to her.

The table had gone completely silent as I released my son into this woman's hands. This was a big deal. Every person at the table knew that Ian's relationship with his mother was volatile. Some of them even knew why.

My heart was pounding harshly as she touched him for the first time. She held him up in front of her and he looked up at her and then looked back at me before looking at her again. I was clenching my fists in my lap, my fingernails biting into the palm of my hand. I was hoping that he would stay the happy baby that he was and wouldn't start crying. Mami always said that babies can usually sense people's ill will.

I was silently praying that letting her do this was okay. It would be fine, right?

She was in a room with his other three grandparents, his mothers, aunts and godmother...he was safe. I was sure of it.

I kept a small smile on my face as I watched her hold him and talk to him in her Irish brogue. Her eyes were finally alight with joy. I breathed a sigh of relief as he began to smile back at her.

 _"He's very handsome."_ she said before handing him back to me.

The moment he was back in my arms, the room was a buzz again. Mami cleared her throat and I flinched. She was standing just behind me and had a cold look in her eyes. She was not happy with what I had just done and I was sure that if I looked around at everyone else, I would see similar looks.

I got up and made my way back around the table and sat Isaac down in his chair. He smiled when he saw his big fuzzy keys and immediately put them in his mouth. I dropped a kiss on his head as I finally took a seat in my chair.

When I looked back at Isaac, I saw that Britt was now involved in his game with his keys. She was turned towards him and would pull them out his mouth and then hand them back to him, before he would smile and shove them right back in his mouth. This was their game...simple and easy. I caught her staring at me and saw in her eyes what I was dreading.

She looked worried as she looked back at our son and then at me. She didn't get a good vibe from this woman and her instincts were never wrong. I knew that she wasn't happy about me letting this woman into Isaac's life but she wasn't going to press me on it in that moment.

I smiled at her and then turned back towards my plate. I just wanted to eat and then go back to the safety and comfort of my bedroom. This day had just been too fucking long.

* * *

Dinner was good after we actually had food in front of us. The conversation was light which was great. On top of that, Mrs. Perkins had taken a liking to Britt's parents which is so unbelievably ironic that I can't even express my emotions properly. It was interesting breaking bread with Ian's mother and not with Ian.

My heart was aching for his presence...I was glad though that she was trying to let me in.

It was after Mrs. Perkins finally left that things got a little hairy for me. It seemed like the moment that I shut the door behind her I was converged upon by my family.

 _"What the heck were you thinking, Santana?"_ Quinn said, cornering me in the foyer.

I breezed past her and headed into the kitchen, where everyone was sitting around the island having dessert and coffee. Britt was rocking a sleeping Isaac in her arms and running her finger across his cheek. Everyone was looking at me with those cold stares again. I was cranky and had a headache the size of Texas, so I figured I would nip things in the bud right away. I just wanted to get sleep. I mean come on...I had been going all day long!

 _"Look, I know that you guys are all kind of upset about this whole situation. Believe me, this is not how I want things to be. If Ian was here..."_ I paused dramatically and wiped the oncoming tears from my eyes and saw that seemed to soften at least a few expressions. _"He would deal with her. I'm just doing things as they come along. I need to bury him. I need to be there. She wasn't going to let me go to the funeral. So letting her see Isaac was my peace offering. I'm so fed up with the way things are going right now and I don't know what else to do. So please...just trust me."_

 _"Trust, Santana?"_ Mami said and then she rolled her eyes, right along with Quinn and it stung.

 _"Okay...so I'm still earning your trust back...how about this. I will always make sure one of you is around when she has him. I won't leave him alone with her. Okay?"_ I was pleading now and openly...you guessed it...crying.

Again.

I didn't wait for a response as I quickly turned around and headed straight for the stairs. I didn't want to know what they thought. I just wanted to escape them and their judgments. I couldn't take any more criticism. I had enough of that.

 _"I'm going to take him for the night, you go get some more rest."_ Mami said, as she reached for my son.

I kissed his face and inhaled him one more time before handing him off. I needed to accept the help, I was too exhausted not to.

* * *

Once we were back upstairs, Britt immediately was pressing me back against the door and pushing her hand into my sweatpants.

_"Do you have something you want to say to me?"_

I shook my head. _"No."_

She growled next to my ear.

_"Tell me I was right to come, baby."_

I shook my head again, _"No."_

Then she was flicking my clit and I was groaning as I rested my head against her shoulder.

_"You sure, Lolli?"  
_

_"Fuck."_

_"Say what I want to hear or I'll stop."_

_"Fine...fuck...you were right!"_ I squealed and then she was rubbing me to another orgasm.

Once she was satisfied that she was right and I was wrong she kissed my face and then pulled away from me.

 _"Can't I have you?"_ I whimpered.

_"No baby. You need to rest."_

She pulled back the covers and then wiggled out of her pants, I watched her jump in and then pat the bed in front of her. I felt hot all over and knew that Britt was good for fucking me in the middle of the night, so I slowly slid out of my pants and then my panties.

Her eyes got comically large and then she licked her lips.

I shivered and then climbed in the bed, still feeling overwhelmed and sappy but happy that I had Britt to hold me.

We laid there in silence for a while, her humming to me and me drifting just on the other side of dreaming.

And then she spoke.

_"I don't like that woman touching my son."_

I went to turn in her arms so I could face her but she wrapped her arm tight around me and kept me pressed back against her until I sighed and didn't fight.

Once I stopped being stiff, she trailed her fingers up and down my stomach. Making me shiver and need those fingers in a more productive place.

_"You didn't think she was nice."_

_"Yea...not really. It just doesn't add up, Ana. Ian told us both about how cruel and abusive she was to him. Something is just off and I didn't get a good vibe from her."_

_"You don't think that maybe you are being a bit paranoid, B?"_ I knew that was a stretch because Brittany never got paranoid...at least not while she was on her meds.

 _"Ian wouldn't have made up all that stuff about her, would he?"_ she asked sincerely, second guessing herself.

_"No, B. I knew Ian, he wouldn't lie about something like that. He shared a lot of his pain and sadness with me, with us. There was much more to him than he showed other people. So I know what he said about her had to be true...I just don't think that her issues with him will carry over to Isaac. At least not at this age. I'll never let what happened to Ian, happen to Isaac. I promise that."_

_"What do you mean by that? I don't understand."_

_"Well it's not really her so much as it is what his Uncle Thomas did to him. The man is unhinged apparently. He raped Ian, repeatedly. I know that he beat on him too, in front of his mom and now that I have met her, I'm pretty sure Ian's little sister has suffered some kind of abuse as well. His mother never believed him and just today she told me she was relieved that he was dead because of all his lies. But I know with all my heart that she is the one that is lying."_

Britt sat up on the bed with a hand clasped over her mouth in horror. The singular lamp in the room, illuminated her with a deep shadow across the side of her face but it didn't completely shield the look on her face from me. I sat up beside her and rested a hand on the small of her back and rubbed there. She abruptly turned to me with anger in her eyes.

 _"Well if you knew that something is off with those people, with her, why were you being so nice to her and letting her hold our son? You don't need to suck up to her! She should be sucking up to you. You have the power here. You have something that she wants."_ she had her fists clenched as she scrubbed the tears out of her eyes. _"Why would you even go see her today? Screw the funeral, Santana. You have the best part of Ian in Izzy."_ she looked like she wanted to shake me. I pulled at her until we were lying face to face in the bed.

I watched her face crumple up as she cried. I hated to see her cry, it always broke my heart.

 _"I'm sorry B. It won't happen again."_ I said as I snuggled against her and rubbed her back until she fell asleep in my arms. I stared at her as she drifted off and started to breathe softly. Her face which is usually in a look of peace while she is sleeping, was all scrunched up and she looked troubled. My heart clenched at the thought of her being troubled because of me. Just like Ian.

My fault.

* * *

About an hour had gone by and I still couldn't sleep.

It had more to do with my long nap than me being upset over how things were with my wife. I knew that she would wake up in the morning and things would be okay again...I loved that about Britt. She tended to push past the petty stuff and get down to the meat of the issue. If she could fix it, then she did and if she couldn't then she let it go. I strove to be more like that every day.

Someday I'll get it together.

I gave up on sleep and ended up getting up out of the bed. I moved a pillow under Britt's arm so that she wouldn't wake up and then I kissed her face before I got up and I slid into my moccasins. I figured I could go walk the grounds or maybe just get a snack for the baby. I'm sure me getting up for food would make Britt happy. I looked down at her for a moment and just admired her sweet face that had finally slackened and looked peaceful...it made my heart melt.

When I quietly headed down the stairs, so many memories began sweeping through my mind. The guest room where Marco raped me, the living room where Papi had punched me in the face, the dining room table where Marco proposed, and my father's office where Sandra cornered me after I got so messed up I couldn't see straight, where I got my inheritance, and where I got married...the first time.

The house was dark and quiet. So much of it was filled with horrible memories but there were good ones too. The kitchen island, where Britt and I first kissed, the patio where she and I first had a full make out session.

I hesitated as I stood at the kitchen island, thinking of the last time I had seen Ian here, just sobering up and professing his love for me.

He always felt like Britt wasn't good enough for me and I knew for a fact that he would have been pissed about the whole plane thing, more than anything though I remember his pain from that day.

My fault.

I shuddered as I stepped out onto the patio and sat down on a lawn chair. It was dark outside, it seemed that the moon had decided not to brighten up the outside. So I just sat and looked up at the stars for awhile. I was still reminiscing about me and Ian when I heard the distinct swishing of liquid in a bottle. Up until Papi's death it was usually what signaled me to leave the house until he sobered up. If I heard that sound, I was usually at Britt's house or in my tree house in a heartbeat. Papi never went to the treehouse and unless Marco was here, it was always my safe haven. I stood to my feet but then the noise stopped. I froze in place and listened for it until I heard it again. I was definitely not hearing things...that was definitely the sound of someone drinking, in the dark.

I listened and crept along the edge of the pool, the sound got louder, the closer I got to the pool house. I pushed the door and hit something...or someone rather, jumping a bit when I heard a grunt. I flicked on the light switch and there sitting on the ground was my best friend with a half bottle of rum in one hand and a fresh cigarette in the other. There were about six cigarette butts crushed on a plate right next to her. She was quickly making her way through a pack. She squinted up at me and then took a long drag of her cigarette.

She was a wreck.

* * *

 _"What are you doing up, Santana?"_ she slurred as she blew out a puff of smoke. She was really upset and I knew that it was bigger than my drama with Mrs. Perkins.

 _"The better question is, what the hell is going on with you, Q?"_ I asked as I pulled a cushion off the bench and slowly slid down the wall and sat on it. I waited for her to take another drag of the cigarette before I pulled it from her fingers and smashed it against the plate until it went out. She looked at me with that cold bitch stare that she has but when she's drunk it just looks like she's constipated. I snickered and then placed the plate up onto the bench before sliding in close to her.

 _"Why'd you do that for, I was enjoying that?"_ she slurred.

_"Because second hand smoke kills and I'm with child. Your godchild, in fact."_

_"Right."_ Q whispered before banging her head back against the concrete wall. She must have been so far gone that it didn't even seem to faze her.

The bottle swished again as she drank slowly from it. Leave it to Quinn, to look graceful even when she had her lips around a bottle of brown liquor. I placed a hand on her knee and she flinched at my touch but I didn't pull my hand back. The motion light suddenly went out and we were plunged into darkness. She sighed as the darkness covered us.

_"Talk to me, Q?"_

_"It's Rachel..."_ she said and then sniffled. Oh goodness...worse than I thought. Quinn was crying now because of Berry. Just great!

_"What about her? We had a great few weeks together...things were great when I left. It has only been like a day since we were home...what happened in that time?"_

_"She for real ended things. I know we broke up in June but like now she's serious. No more sex or anything because she said she didn't want me to get in her way...that she needed space. She said she wanted to have the full college experience and I was holding her back."_

_"She didn't?"_ I said feeling like someone struck me.

 _"Oh no, she did. When I decided to follow you back to Lima she said it was the perfect opportunity to move onto campus. Everything was fine and then apparently in the twenty four hours that she has been on that campus with those fucking fairies, it has given her a new perspective on life."_ she growled.

 _"She's wants to screw someone."_ I whispered more to myself but Q heard me loud and clear even in her drunken state.

" _What, how do you know that? Did you hear that from B or something? Do you know that as a fact?"_

_"I don't know it as fact but I can tell, Q. She loves you enough not to cheat on you, so if she does things this way then she can experiment, fuck around and won't feel guilty about it."_

_"Fuck. You're right San! That's sounds exactly like Rachel! That bitch."_ Quinn was muttering to herself now, sounding like a certified nut job.

I rubbed at her knee and she leaned her head onto my shoulder, I laid my head on top of hers and began shushing her cries.

 _"This just means that you can focus on school and you can do some exploring yourself. Trust me Quinn, don't tie yourself down if you don't have to...you'll regret it."_ I was chewing on the inside of my cheek as I thought about my marriage to Marco.

 _"Don't let B hear you say that."_ It hadn't even occurred to me how that comment would sound to my wife.

_"Shit, with my luck she will come barging through that door any second."_

We sat quietly and waited to see if B was actually going to show up in the room but a few minutes passed with nothing but our breathing and the occasional swish of liquid. I sighed in relief because that would not have been a good thing to add to her already being so upset over the Mrs. Perkins thing. I didn't need the drama.

I couldn't argue against Rachel breaking things off with Quinn. The hobbit had the foresight to see what she didn't want for her immediate future. She wanted to live free and experience college life with no strings attached...so did I but I didn't have that luxury anymore, I had a family and responsibilities. Fun time was over.

Quinn and I were both caught up in our own thoughts as we sat in the darkness. Finally I threw my arm around her shoulders and shook her a little bit. She sat up and rubbed at her face.

 _"I'm too hot to be crying over her. Fuck her! I'm Quinn Fabray, damnit!"_ Ahhh and there is the angry drunk Quinn...her I could deal with.

_"So when you get back to New York I expect to see you out on dates and getting your mack on Fabray. Got it?"_

_"Yes! You know what San, you're right, this is Rachel's loss right?"_

_"Right."_

After convincing Quinn that she was way too hot to be moping around like this, I managed to get her quietly settled into the guest room before dragging my tired ass up the steps. The day was finally hitting me hard and I knew that I would crash once I hit the sheets. I was looking forward to cuddling against my wife and finally catching up on my sleep.

* * *

It was around three when I headed upstairs. I had my head down as I stepped in the room so I definitely didn't anticipate running straight into my pacing wife. She made a soft grunting sound as we collided. I fell against the door and it slammed shut causing me to yelp. Britt had just kept pacing without looking up at me. She was lost in her head and it scared me...I had never seen her this disconnected.

 _"B?"_ I grabbed a hold of her arm and she whipped around and snatched her arm away. Her eyes looked distant and cold, like Mrs. Perkins and it made me nauseous. _"Baby what's wrong?"_ I asked as I placed my hands on either side of her face, stepping in her way and pulling her against me, forcing her to stop in her tracks.

 _"Hey."_ she said as she looked down into my eyes and bit her lip.

 _"Sweetie what are you doing up?"_ I whispered.

_"You don't have to whisper he is across the hall with Gladys, remember? He can't hear you."_

_"Why were you pacing?"_

_"I followed you downstairs..."_ she said to me as her blue eyes burned into mine. I hadn't seen that look in her eyes since all the drama from months ago and it froze me to the core.

She pulled away from me and sat down on the side of the bed, resting her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands. I watched as she rubbed her hands over her face repeatedly.

She was definitely upset. I walked over to her and stood between her legs and pulled her head up so that I could see her eyes. She was crying. It was then that I knew that her timing wasn't off. It had been perfect as always.

 _"I don't regret marrying you, B...I was talking about-"_ she cut me off and pushed my hands from her face.

 _"You do. Don't lie to me Santana. I understand why you said it...we were too young to get married. We are still teenagers. It was stupid. Teenagers shouldn't get married."_ she cried and then reached out and wrapped her arms around my waist, resting her forehead against my stomach. I rested my hands on the top of her head and ran them down through her hair.

_"You've got it wrong, B, My only regret is not being able to go to college and be a kid a little while longer...that has nothing to do with you, though. I got pregnant in high school, I did a boat load of drugs, I missed out on my senior year...but that has nothing to do with being married to you, I don't regret us, Brittany."_

_"So you don't think we are growing apart?"_ she mumbled against the exposed skin of my stomach as she raised my shirt and kissed my scar. It made me shiver...she had never done that before...only Ian...

 _"Do you?"_ I pulled back enough to see her eyes.

_"I just know how hard it has been for us in this last year...We went from relationships with other people straight into this marriage. You cheated...I cheated. Then there was that thing with Frankie. I still miss her."_

Whoa...how did we go from our marriage to her missing Frankie? My heart dropped as I looked into her eyes...she was fucking serious.

 _"Is that what this is about, Brittany? Do you regret not being able to go off on that Madonna tour and getting to screw her whenever you wanted?"_ I took a step back, feeling betrayed. Her eyes filled with guilt and regret as she pulled at me, trying to bring me back but I didn't want her to touch me. _"Let go of me B. I need to sit down."_ she dropped her hands and I stumbled down onto the bed and sat next to her. I crossed my legs under me and rested my hands in my lap. I didn't feel a single tear, it was like my body was filled with ice.

_"It's not about that, about her. I just think that we were too young to make this sort of life long commitment. It's a substantial risk to assume that we will be the same people in five to ten years."_

I was shell shocked...Rachel had talked to Britt about this. Those words just weren't formed from my wife. It was too wordy and too over the top of an explanation for Brittany.

She dealt in simplicity.

This reeked of the fucking hobbit! She had already had the wheels turning in Britt's head before tonight, if I was honest with myself, I had seen it coming. Before the night my life changed, before Ian took his life, Britt had started to pull away a little bit. She was in class more, she had long private talks with Rachel and she kept bringing up the summer tour. I should have known but when you're happy...denial is your best friend.

 _"You're fucking kidding me right?"_ I wanted to scream and lash out but instead, I took a deep breath. I wrapped my arms around myself and stared down B.

 _"I love you, baby...that hasn't changed."_ She said, her lip going back between her teeth as she watched me.

 _"Did you come to Lima to ask for another fucking break?"_ I watched sideways, my heart plummeting to the bottom of my stomach as she nodded. She didn't even bother to lift up her head or even look me in the eyes. This was what she meant earlier when she said she had come to talk to me in person! So much for good timing!

_"How long have you and Rachel been talking about this?"_

_"About two weeks."_ I knew it.

_"H-Have you slept with anyone else?"_

_"No."_

_"Have you been talking to anyone else?"_

_"I talk to a lot of people."_

_"Don't play dumb...you know what I meant!"_ I said coldly.

_"No."_

_"But you want to, right?"_

_"Kind of."_ She played with her fingers as she looked down at the floor. I was so angry inside that I felt like I was going to fucking explode.

 _"At least look at me when you are breaking my heart, Brittany."_ I said quietly...I felt the tears but I wouldn't let them come.

Not this time.

They could wait.

* * *

Britt shook her head and kept looking at the floor and in that moment I was sure that my heart was gone and my soul was crushed. I closed my eyes and took a deep steadying breath, no tears. I rubbed my palms together and pushed the nausea away. _"Brittany?"_ her head popped up and her bloodshot eyes looked up at me finally.

_"You know that I need you right now. I admit it. I can't get through this funeral without you. After it's over and we are back in New York you can move into the downstairs bedroom and you can have your break, ok? This is it, though. You figure your shit out this time...I can't go through this every year, you figure it out or you leave for good."_

I couldn't believe the words that were leaving my lips but I was desperate for comfort from her. She didn't speak, she just looked at me and nodded, she didn't have a response for me and I didn't want one. She opened her arms to me and I crawled against her side and let her hold me close. I closed my eyes and imagined that it was Ian holding me and that I was being comforted by him.

 _"Ian..."_ I whispered out loud accidentally. My body stiffened as Britt pulled back from me. I sat up with a hand clasped over my mouth in shock.

 _"Did you just call me Ian, Santana?"_ the icy edge was back in her voice.

_"No...I was just thinking about him."_

_"Of course you were, not even this moment...you couldn't give me this one moment?"_ she was actually mad...I couldn't help but laugh in her face.

 _"You can't seriously_ _be_ _upset?"_ I said before dropping my hands in my lap again.

_"Of course I am."_

_"I just miss him. I feel like a part of me died with him."_

_"You really were in love with him weren't you?"_ she spat in frustration as she gripped the edge of the bed. I knew she was trying to keep her hands to herself and for the first time in a very long time, I was scared of my own wife.

_"It's complicated, what I felt for him, it was so multi-layered. I loved him unendingly but I wasn't attracted to him."_

_"You had to be, I mean...that's how you got pregnant."_

_"It's deeper than that B. I can't explain it."_

_"Sorry that you just have to settle for me. That you can't go running back to him this time."_

_"Please stop picking a fight with me about Ian. He is dead. You have me Brittany...you've always had me."_

_"That's a lie. I have always had to share your love."_

_"What?"_

_"First with Puck, then Quinn, then Marco, then Ian...when is it my turn Santana?"_

_"You are the only one that holds my heart, B. Always and only you."_ I whispered as I reached for hands. She pulled away, crossing her arms and tucking her hands under them. I pulled back and looked at her in shock. There was so much that had been said that I just couldn't think straight.

 _"I can't wait."_ she muttered.

 _"For what?"_ I spat feeling irritated now.

_"The tour."_

_"You know what B, me either."_

_"I can't wait to go home...to New York."_

_"Soon enough Brittany. Can we just go to bed now."_

_"Fine."_ she said as she threw her body back.

* * *

We were laying there under the covers all of five minutes when I began to feel the uncontrollable urge to scream. I couldn't believe she was being so heartless...why did she need to do this right now? My body started to shake...I wanted a hit. I wanted to use again. I needed to be numb. I wanted to not be present in the moment.

She tried to wrap her arms around me and even though her touch was all that I craved at the moment, I just pulled away.

 _"You know what Brittany...let's not wait. You should go back home in the morning. I will just fly back with Isaac by myself."_ I whispered as I moved to the edge of the bed away from her.

_"No. If we are going to do this...we do it quietly. Too many people have had their hands in our marriage. I know that you will tell everyone the moment that I leave. So, no."_

_"So what are you saying, that I have to suffer through this? That I have to pretend to be happy until we get home?"_ That was worse than torture.

_"I'm saying that we go back to New York together. I'm not leaving so that Gladys and your sisters can think that I'm abandoning you and Izzy."_

But you are.

_"Fine, B."_

_"So come over here and let me hold you."_ She said forcefully.

I scooted back into her embrace, allowing her to wrap herself around me. I lay there and silently cried myself to sleep, not caring if she heard me. I didn't care anymore, I just couldn't believe the way things were falling apart. Britt was right about one thing, my family and hers would crucify her for doing this while I'm pregnant and grieving...

So, even with her crushing my spirit, I would suck it up.

I would take it for what it was. A stupid fucking break.


	6. Wanting Out (Michele Branch)

* * *

When I woke up again, feeling like a dried-out husk, Britt was no longer holding me in place and I sent a prayer of thanks up to God or Ian or Papi. Everything felt unfair, I didn't want a repeat of the year prior where I was fighting a losing battle with my relationship and my addiction.

And then Marco's words came back to me.

Be selfish.

He had to be talking about Britt, just like Ian.

Why had I fallen so head over heels for someone who couldn't love just me?

Sure, people live poly amorous lives and they are happy but I just don't think I'm built that way. I can sleep around, sure but when it comes to real love there have only been two of those in my life, Ari and Britt.

One was unattainable and the other was hard to retain.

She needed to love freely and I knew that about her before we started messing around, it was like trying to cage a wild beast and fuck if I didn't feel like doing that right now. It was time for me to be selfish and give myself the space that I needed to grieve Ian and to grow strong enough away from my addictions. I had been through enough.

So I was on the move. There was no time for makeup or getting cute, I didn't want to wake Mami and have her second guess trusting me or Britt, so that we could rehash an endless argument.

I grabbed my purse, the lockbox and my phone before making my way silently downstairs. I couldn't ignore the way that my heart was hammering in my chest. I wasn't going to deal with this like she wanted me to. I wasn't going to just sit back and let her walk all over me again.

Enough was enough.

It was still dark out, I had only been back in bed for about a half hour. I walked down to the first floor and cracked open the door to the guest room. I heard light snoring coming from the bed and smiled. Quinn swore she didn't snore...lies! I flicked on the light and then walked over to her and nudged her side. Even drunk she was a light sleeper, so I wasn't surprised when her head popped right up.

 _"Get up and be quick about it."_ I said to her before pulling at her arm.

 _"What the fuck? Where are we going?"_ she slurred.

 _"It's not drugs, so don't worry about where, just be my ride or die and get the fuck up, please Q, we don't have much time."_ I whispered.

She must have seen the desperation on my face because she was up on her feet in about two seconds. She staggered a bit but then quickly straightened her body.

 _"Just give me a sec."_ she muttered before going into the bathroom. I followed her and watched her stick her fingers down her throat with ease. She silently vomited a few times before flushing the toilet and standing back up. _"Who knew that would come in handy, huh?"_ she smirked at me before going over to the sink and drinking about six handfuls of water before rinsing her mouth with mouthwash. _"Britt told me what you did, don't get any ideas."_

 _"I'm done with that."_ I said as she brushed her teeth and then splashed some water on her face.

When she looked back at me, her eyes were still a little glassy but her face was determined. _"Okay. I'm ready."_ she said as she finger combed her hair.

I handed over her purse as we left the guest room and headed out to the driveway. Quinn started walking toward her bug but I decided to take Papi's old SUV instead. I grabbed the keys off the foyer hook, knowing Mami would notice later and not too stressed about it. Let Britt come up with a reason for my disappearance with Q, who's car would remain parked here.

Knowing she was with me would at least let Mami know I wasn't in a crack house somewhere.

Quinn buckled up and then reached over and buckled me in.

 _"You are such a mom."_ I muttered as I backed up onto the road.

 _"Well you need one and Gladys is out of practice."_ she said honestly. I knew she still had some of that liquid courage in her because a completely sober Quinn would never have said something like that. I didn't mind though. It was no secret that my parents were essentially absent from my life after I turned about ten.

_"Point taken."_

* * *

My first stop was We Lime, Quinn slid into a booth and buried her head in her arms while I went up to the counter and got decaf for me and an espresso for her. When I heard her snore, I also ordered her bacon and myself an egg wrap. I needed to hold onto this baby and if that was going to happen, I needed to eat. Even when I was nauseous.

I slid into the booth and watched Q sleep as we waited for our food.

**_Can I call you?-Santi_ **

**_Of course!-Carmen_ **

I slid from the booth and walked down to the end of the counter.

 _"Did you need something honey?"_ A cute waitress said as she drank her own coffee.

_"I just need to make a call, can you just have my food delivered to that table with the homeless looking chick?"_

She smirked and nodded.

_"You got it."_

I watched her walk away and then I refocused myself on my phone.

_"Hey, Santi my love. Are you okay, it's early for you."_

_"I know and like the last time I called you early in the morning, I just needed someone to talk to me that knows what I've been through personally. Are you working?"_

_"Actually, Nico won't let me work anymore. He wants me off my feet so I'm just awake while he works down at the diner. You know breakfast rush is soon."_

_"So, this is actually a good time?"_

_"It's perfect."_

_"And how are you?"_

_"I'm good, baby girl. This baby is a little acrobat in there. How about you?"_

_"I'm...in Lima."_

_"Why?"_

_"Ian, my son's father he killed himself two days ago."_

_"Oh my God. Are you okay?"_

_"No."_

_"Have you used?"_ Her casual turned had turned serious.

_"I'm pregnant and doing my best to steer clear of drugs. So far, I'm doing okay staying clean."_

_"Wait he killed himself while you're carrying another baby?"_

_"It's not his, it's Marco's remember that day...at his house?."_

_"Wait, Santi, that's crazy. What's going on with you, my love?"_

_"So much and I'm falling apart."_

_"Are you alone right now? Where's Brittany?"_

_"Britt came here to ask for a break last night. I feel so alone but Quinn's with me, I'm at a diner."_

_"Comfort, I get that. I need you to promise me that you will keep her close until these feelings pass."_

_"I will."_

_"When you get back, we can start going to meetings together. Have you called your sponsor?"_

_"I don't have one."_

_"Do you need one?"_

_"Probably."_

_"Done."_

_"Carmen, no, you're pregnant and need to stay stress free."_

_"So are you and so do you, we can do this together. I've been clean for two years, Santi and you saved my life, I owe you this much."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Positive."_

_"Okay, so what now?"_

_"I'll be here with you, through this. You'll call me or come to me when you need me or when you think you need something else. Okay?"_

_"Thank you."_

_"Don't thank me yet, tell me what is next in your day?"_

_"I'm going to eat and then I'm going to the lake."_

_"The lake? You're not going out on the water, are you?"_

_"No. I don't have a good feeling about being alone there, so I'm taking Q with me. I just need to get away from Lima and the lake is a safe space. It's a sanctuary."_

_"Okay, will you let me know when you get there and when you leave? I never trusted bodies of water."_

_"I know, and I will."_

_"San?"_ I heard Q call and I turned to see her chomping on bacon and staring at me.

_"Go be with your friend, just keep in touch okay?"_

_"Thank you, Carmen. I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

* * *

Quinn looked sober as she polished off her bacon and sipped at her coffee. I was nervous as I walked back towards her but then I realized that this was my best friend. Ride or die, Quinn Fabray who had once broken her own rules and let me snort a line of coke to get through the day.

She had been with me through it all and I knew that I could trust her with this, even if Britt wanted me to go at it alone.

Fuck that. I needed people if I was going to stay clean. My sisters and mom could stay out of it, they'd make this worse.

No, right now I would rely on Carmen and Quinn, they'd have to be enough.

When I sat down, I reached for her hand and she immediately responded in kind. I dropped my head and began to pray silently, thanking God for giving me a village. Thanking God for keeping me clean, sane, and for the most part, healthy.

 _"Amen."_ I said and went to pull away, but Q wouldn't let me go until she said her piece.

_"Heavenly Father, I don't know what your plan is or why my sister here seems to get all the bad stuff but please cover her as she goes through this trying time. I thank you for all you have done to keep her afloat, please help me to be a good steward of your love and kindness as I work through my own stuff and hold onto her. Amen."_

When she finally let go of me, I looked up and could see that her eyes, while bloodshot, where clear. Sober Quinn had arrived, just when I needed her.

_"Thanks, Q ball."_

She nodded and then waved over the waitress for another order of bacon and a side of fruit. We had entered a comfortable silence as we watched Lima come alive.

My phone buzzed as the sun came up and I knew that we needed to get a move on before B's good timing showed up again.

 _"Where are the keys to your bug?"_ I asked Q, knowing that Britt would go for the bug first.

_"I have them with me."_

_"Good. Are you done?"_

She nodded and then pulled out money for the tab. I didn't even bother to challenge her on paying, it was an unspoken agreement. We both knew I was rich and that if need be, I could cover it but when she could pay, she liked to.

I got us burgers for later, hers with bacon, mine without and then we headed out to the car.

My phone went off again and I couldn't resist this time.

**_I'm trusting, Anita.-Mami_ **

And then there was a pic of my baby curled up with her while she read. It made me smile and I felt so assured in my sobriety. I had to keep going for him.

For my son, I was willing to do anything even if it means denying myself. It was my job to protect him at all costs and right then, when I was feeling unhinged, I needed to also protect him from me.

**_With Q, I'm safe. Te quiero-Anita_ **

* * *

I zoomed down the Lima streets and onto the highway without another thought of how low I was feeling. I had my girl with me and my son was in the best hands, there wasn't anything to do now but be a little selfish.

Quinn was sitting there gazing out the window and humming along with the radio. I left her to her thoughts as I drove because after a day like we had yesterday, I knew that we both needed to get away. I had contemplated leaving Quinn behind because I needed to cry in peace and I knew just the place, but I knew that more than I needed to cry, I needed my wing-man to save me from myself.

When I began driving southbound knowing that Britt would expect me to go north towards my old hideaway in the woods, Q put her hand on my thigh and let out a deep sigh.

 _"St. Mary's?"_ She asked.

_"You remember?"_

_"Of course I do. Are you sure you can handle this?"_

I could feel her eyes burning into the side of my face but I didn't even chance a glance.

_"I'm not sure I can handle much of anything right now, Q but the only other person that knows about this place is back in prison. I needed to get away."_

_"From B?"_

_"Among other things."_

_"Well I'm glad I'm not one of those things."_

I rubbed her hand and then turned up the music.

She was going to make me cry again and that's the last thing I wanted while driving. Since it was so late (or early) the roads were semi-deserted, and I was able to make the half hour drive in under twenty minutes. Quinn was looking around curiously but didn't ask any questions as we pulled onto a long driveway. I hit the remote on my keys for the garage door and pulled inside.

I grabbed my stuff, including the lock box, climbed out of the car and walked out of the garage towards the cabin. I paused as I stood on the front pathway and just stared at the old house. Quinn stood next to me and slipped her hand into mine.

 _"So, this is it? How long has it been?"_ Quinn whispered against my ear as she leaned into me. I looked into her eyes and saw that the sight before her brought tears to her eyes too.

_"I came here once or twice last year and sat on the back porch before I had the keys, but I haven't been inside since that night six years ago."_

After another moment of gazing at it, I finally mustered up the courage, partially because Quinn was gripping my hand so hard, and walked up to the front door.

This house out in St. Mary's was all that I had really wanted from the divorce, I felt like I had earned it. I had shed blood and tears there and didn't want Marco to have it. I didn't think I would ever actually visit it because quite frankly, I had planned to burn it to the ground but as I stood there feeling like I had no place to run that was out of Britt's reach, I was glad that I hadn't given into my impulses for once.

It was solitary lake cabin that sat beautifully on the water. I hadn't told anyone about it and knew that this was a perfect place to escape for the morning. It was almost four thirty and the sun was set to rise in about an hour or so. The sky had a light blue color but with all the fog surrounding the place you wouldn't be able to tell there was a lake.

* * *

The inside of the house looked like it hadn't been touched in longer than six years. There was dark brown blood stain on one of the couch cushions, seeing it brought me back to when I was thirteen. That night had definitely defined me as a person. I stood there and looked at it, stuck in a trance. Quinn let go of my hand and quickly flipped the cushion over before sitting down and looking up at me. I snapped my eyes up to her and felt my face scrunch up.

Yes, sometimes, Quinn Fabray can be a bit disturbing.

_"So, tell me why you really brought me to the scene of your rape? To the place that you lost your innocence?"_

I could tell that she had reached full sobriety since she was now looking at me clear eyed. I smiled softly and shifted on my feet, before crossing my arms over my chest, trying to comfort myself.

_"I told you, Q. No one will look for me here."_

_"Did something happen?"_ there was concern in her voice now.

_"Yes."_

_"With B?"_

_"Enough with the questions for now. Can we just sit for a bit...do you mind?"_

_"Um...okay."_

I locked the door and then put our stuff in the fridge and shot a quick text to Carmen, to let her know I was okay. I was feeling overwhelmed but knowing I had someone looking out for me helped way more than I realized it would. While she sat I took stock of the place and knew that if I ever wanted to rent this place out, I needed to seriously overhaul it.

Maybe that would be my pet project or I could convince Celia to take it since she was hopping around since leaving Chicago.

Keep moving forward and be selfish, those are the two things I learned from Marco.

Go with your gut, that was Ian.

Be my safe place, that was Britt but Q my ride or die always just wanted my peace and happiness.

Overhauling this place would signify owning what had happened to me here and not letting it control me anymore.

 _"Mind if I walk around?"_ Q asked and I smiled at her.

_"Sure, you can help me figure out how to make this place livable."_

_"Why are you planning on moving here?"_

_"Renting it out, probably but you never know with me and B. Sometimes I need to get away."_

She nodded and then looped her arm through mine as we walked the cabin, taking notes on what could be improved.

* * *

By the time that we finished our tour of the house, I was feeling achy again, so I grabbed a huge blanket from the linen closet and walked out to the back porch that overlooked the lake. The fog was clearing and the water was a little more visible now. I stood there in at the edge staring out at the water. Something about it called to my spirit, like it's where I am meant to be.

Just floating on the surface, staring up at the sky and leaving all of my troubles behind.

 _"Are we sitting?"_ Q asked, interrupting the darkness that my thoughts were taking.

I turned to her and saw that she had brought out the lock box with her and placed it on the coffee table that sat in front of the wicker love seat. She sat there looking at me and I nodded, trying my best to get my head back to where it should be instead of where it was. Q was watching me like a hawk as I made my way over to her. She didn't seem to relax until I was sitting next to her with the blanket wrapped around me.

 _"Comfort?"_ I asked and puckered my lips.

She rolled her eyes and then pressed her lips to mine. It was quick but made all the difference because now she seemed less suspicious.

At least I thought she did.

 _"Should I worry?"_ She whispered as she tucked the blanket around me.

I pulled the lock box onto my lap and then rubbed my palms together.

 _"Maybe."_ I said and then shrugged.

Quinn snuggled against my shoulder and pulled the blanket up, so that it tucked under to her chin. I let her have most of the seat and put my feet up on the table. I was sure that she would fall asleep if she stayed in her position but I didn't really care at that point. It was really just her company I craved not her conversation.

_"Just know that I'm here, S. I'm always here."_

_"Ride or die bitch."_ I muttered and then kissed her forehead.

_"For life."_

My heart was aching so badly and I felt so trapped in my circumstances that I was beginning to feel hopeless but having Q there made me feel safe to fall apart. I wanted to pull her in with me so that I wasn't just carrying shit on my own and making it worse.

Britt had already made me feel like I had no choice but to give in to her needs in order to have her in my life but I was starting to feel like it would be better to just walk away from my marriage and try to salvage my friendship with B. This couldn't keep happening, it made me feel inadequate every time she did this and I could see how unhappy being tied down was making her and I just wanted us to be happy and above all else, I wanted her to be happy. I wanted nothing more than that for the both of us, I was willing to accept that what we used to have was just a high school thing. Maybe the adults that we were becoming just didn't fit together.

Maybe Britt had just figured it out first and wanted out.

I didn't know if I had enough fight left in me to stop her from walking away from me.

 _"How did you know that something happened with me and B?"_ I asked Q.

 _"It wasn't really hard to figure out San. You aren't as closed up as you like to think. I can read you like a book sometimes...especially when your heart is broken. So tell me what happened."_ she mumbled as she snuggled in as close to me as possible. I felt like I was preparing to tell her a bedtime story.

_"Do you remember our conversation last night...about not tying yourself down?"_

_"Yea...surprisingly."_

_"Well Britt heard the whole thing."_ I mumbled as I began to run my hands over the lock box.

_"Wow...so she heard the whole regret thing?"_

_"Yup but she wouldn't let me tell her that I had been referring to Marco. She ended up talking about how much she missed Frankie then essentially asking me for another break but she wants to keep it hush hush."_

_"Of course she does but it just seems ridiculous for her to even be doing this right now! She can't just take breaks when they suit her. That's not how a marriage works."_

_"I said the same thing."_

_"But you're still going to allow it to happen? Right under your nose?"_

_"No."_ I said as I reached over and pulled my phone out of my purse. _"Not this time."_

_"What does that mean?"_

_"That she has to move out of the bedroom when we get back to New York...the break will start when we get back. I told her that she is going to have to take the guest room on the first floor. I refuse to share a bed with her."_

_"Oh boy...this is going to be interesting when we get back. Are you sure about this, San?"_

_"What other choice do I have? I mean it's not like I can go out and pick up anyone while I'm pregnant. It's not like I even want to, honestly. I just want her."_

_"Don't you think it's strange that she and Rachel had the same idea?"_

_"Oh no...I blame this partially on the hobbit. For two weeks she has been in Britt's ear about how she needed space from you and Britt started thinking about our marriage as a consequence."_

_"Are you serious? Why would Rachel do that?"_

_"I don't know but I'm pissed about it."_

_"I'm sorry, San."_

_"I don't want your pity. It is what it is."_

_"So the break starts when we touch down in New York but when does it end?"_

_"No idea but there is something I need to do while I still can."_

_"What are you going to do?"_

_"This."_

* * *

When I checked the time, I saw that it was just barely nine and even though it was super early in California, this call couldn't wait. Once I found the number, I pressed the call button, put the phone on speaker and waited.

A voice answered sounding out of breath.

"Yeah?" She was breathing heavy.

_"Francis?"_

_"Who's this?"_

_"Santana Lopez, I hope I'm not interrupting."_

_"Um...hey Santana. What's up?"_ Her breathing slowed.

_"Do you have a time to talk to me for a second?"_

_"Sure...um...hold on a sec."_ Quinn looked at me with wide eyes as we listened to some shuffling and then heavy breathing before Frankie came back on the line. _"Sorry, I was just getting back from my run. What's up?"_ she sounded chipper not at all nervous. It gave me a little hope.

_"Have you talked to Britt by any chance?"_

_"She called me yesterday but before then I haven't. I have been doing my best to do right by you. Is everything okay, I'm a bit shocked to hear from both of you after so long."_

_"Did you actually talk to her?"_

_"Yea. She had just come out of a meeting with our old tour director. She was calling to let me know that she signed on for another tour. L_ _ook...I really don't want to get in between you guys again. I just listened to her tell me about it, wished her luck and then hung up with her."_

_"Well, sorry to break it to you but she's bringing you back into this, whether you like it or not. She asked me for a break last night and kept talking about how she missed you."_

_"I'm so sorry about that. I didn't want to be right about her wandering eye."_

_"And you know where it's gonna wander."_

_"That's too bad for her, frankly, I have no interest in breaking my word to you. Look, if she calls, I'll keep telling her how I'm done if you want. I'm in a new relationship. I'm happy and I really don't want to get sucked back into stuff with Brittany."_

_"That's good to hear."_

_"Good luck with everything Santana. Call me if she gets anymore crazy ideas."_

_"Oh I will."_

_"Alright. Sorry about this."_

I ended the call and then put the phone down on the coffee table. Quinn sat there staring at the phone for a long while before turning wide eyes towards me.

_"Do you believe her?"_

_"Who, Frankie or Britt?"_

_"Either of them."_

_"I'm not sure."_

_"This is all just so crazy...where is our sweet Britt Britt?"_

_"I wish I knew...I-I don't want to think about it anymore Q...so let's just not talk about Britt for awhile."_

_"If your sure..."_

_"Ok...let's open this box up shall we?"_ I said ignoring her.

* * *

 _"Comfort?"_ Q asked me and I mock glared at her before kissing her lips once more before sticking my tongue out at her.

 _"You know, Q, if I didn't know any better I'd think you were trying to get in my pants."_ I said, mocking her.

_"Nah, after fucking your sister I'm good."_

I gagged and she grinned at me.

_"Point, Fabray...gross."_

My heart felt lighter with her there, even if I now had the image of her in my sister seared into my brain.

_"Do you think she's ready to be with me?"_

_"Do you?"_

_"Well, we had a moment last night and when she hugged me, I felt like nothing else in the world mattered in that moment."_

_"Why are you two playing games then?"_

_"Because I'm an idiot. I guess, like B, I feel like I'm too young settle."_

_"People search their whole lives for the feelings that you have with Celia. You're not too young, it just means you get to have more time with the person you love."_

_"But I love Rachel, I always have."_

_"More than my sister?"_

She scoffed. _"Not possible."_

_"Then my dear, Rachel is your 20 and Celia is your 80."_

_"Not this again!"_

_"When it's real, you know it. Maybe some time spent growing is a good thing but you two need a cut off date. Shit or get off the pot, Q ball."_

_"Okay, okay. Open that thing already."_

* * *

I sighed and then opened the box and began to take things out from it. The first thing on top was a black leather journal. It was well used and worn even though I knew for a fact that it was only a couple of months old.

_"That looks like the journal I gave you for Christmas."_

_"That's because it's identical to the one you got me. I got this one for Ian for his birthday back in April."_

_"And it's already full?"_

I held the journal in my hands and began to thumb through it. He had filled up every single page and had written on the inside of the cover. I let my tears flow freely as I looked down at his spiked handwriting. He was my lefty twin and the slant of his writing mirrored mine.

It was just too crazy how well Ian and I fit together. If only he was a girl or I was straight. I knew that this was what Britt was referring to when she told me how in love with him I was. If only she knew how much I tried to be in love with him but couldn't. I loved her the most...when she wasn't being an ass and lying to me, unfortunately at the moment, she was doing both of those things.

_"From cover to cover. I haven't even filled mine completely."_

_"He obviously had a lot more to say than I did."_

_"Obviously."_

As I thumbed through it a piece of paper fell out onto my lap.

 _"What's that?"_ Quinn asked, peering over my shoulder. I quickly grabbed it and unfolded it.

 _"It looks like an unfinished letter to Isaac...wow."_ I covered my mouth as the tears began to pour down my face. I handed it to Quinn and she began to read it out loud.

 **_"Dear Squish, June 14, 2012-_ ** **_Someday you will wonder what torment drove me to put a bullet through my own heart. I never wanted to leave you but I had this fear that by the time you were old enough to understand the hurt of losing me, that you'd hate me. Your mothers are not to blame. Love them always...your Mami was my first and only love...be a good boy, a good big brother, and a stand up man. Love with your whole heart and be open and honest...you have more than I ever did and so I hope knowing that brings you peac-"_ **

The letter abruptly ended as Ian was writing the word peace as if he had been stopped, mid-thought. Quinn let out a gasp and then held the letter towards me and pointed at the top of the page.

 _"Oh my God, San look at the date."_ she shrieked.

_"Graduation Day...I can't believe that it was on his mind all that time. Months...Q. Before we even left Lima."_

_"Do you think that maybe he attempted it that night."_

_"Maybe...all I know is I talked to him everyday after that and never would I have thought that he was thinking like this. I mean obviously at some point he changed his mind...what could have gotten him to change it back especially a week before he was set to move closer to me and Isaac?"_

_"Beats me. Have you opened your letter yet?"_

_"No. I keep finding reasons to put it off."_

_"Maybe there is some sort of answer between the journal and his letter to you."_

_"I sure hope so Q. I just want to know why...I want to know if there was any way that I could have saved him."_

_"I think he was beyond our help. Wasn't he on medication already?"_

_"Yea antidepressants. He took them faithfully."_

_"Maybe he missed a day?"_

_"Nah...I don't think that's it. There is something bigger at play here, I'm sure of it and I'm almost certain it has something to do with his Mom and I think she knows it too."_

_"Maybe that's why she was relieved?"_

_"So many questions and not enough answers. I feel like we're going in circles."_

_"You're right. It's just I don't trust that woman. You should have seen her when I walked into the house with Britt and the baby last night. She looked ravenous. It freaked me out a bit and then I couldn't help but cringe when you willingly handed Isaac over to her. Everyone else saw it too."_

_"When I talked to B about her after dinner she said something along the same lines, she doesn't want her around Isaac at all. I still don't believe that she should be kept from her own grandson but I'm proceeding with caution when it comes to her, no doubt about it. "_

_"I would too. I mean Ian signed his rights to Izzy over to Britt but what about the new baby? Can she swoop in on you and try to take the baby?"_

_"Even if she tried, she wouldn't win...this isn't her grandchild. Ian laid claim to the baby but that's different."_

_"But you told her she could see the kid."_

_"I told her what she wanted to hear so that she would let me be at the funeral but I'll worry about everything else later."_

_"Does the journal say anything, worth knowing?"_ Quinn loved a good mystery and this was as good as any.

 _"Um, Let's see."_ I began to read aloud from the first entry and couldn't help but blush immediately.

* * *

**_4.22.12_ **

**_Mami bought me this journal. I can't believe that fate deemed for me to still be a part of her life. I've had a crush on her forever. She is just as screwed up as me and I think it makes her even more attractive._ **

**_Brittany called me today and asked me not to sign my rights over just yet. She told me how she was worried about Santana and was scared she would die before the adoption went through. Brittany also wants to get an injunction against her so she can't see our son. She asked for my help but I refused. For someone who says they love their wife it seems that she has so little faith in her._ **

**_If she was my wife I would do whatever it took to help her get clean but I would build her up at the same time. I wouldn't tear her down. I'm trying my hardest to put up a brave face even though I know that Brittany is still cheating on her. I caught her making out with another Cheerio just the week before the baby was born._ **

**_She isn't good enough for S like everyone thinks. I will protect her though, just like I protect my sister. Mom's home from mass...I have to go make sure that she doesn't touch Tor...There she goes already calling her. Happy 18th Birthday to me. Wish me luck!-Ian_ **

We sat there in silence just staring out at the water after I finished reading the journal entry.

_"How long do you think she's been cheating?"_

_"I don't know...what I do know though, is that we got married that week...she slept with Frankie on our wedding day...it had to have been going on for quite a while."_ I felt numb. I didn't want to believe that Britt was capable of being so deceptive.

_"Do you think he's lying?"_

_"What purpose would that serve? I mean what would he get out of that? Even if he knew that I would read this...it just doesn't seem premeditated."_

_"Just trying to give B the benefit of the doubt."_

_"It's clear as day Q...Britt is just not happy with me."_

_"But she is miserable without you."_

_"Well, she can't have it both ways. It would really hurt but if we need to separate then we will. Enough is enough. I mean it."_

Quinn looked at me in shock. I shrugged my shoulders as I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. Thinking the words and saying the words were two different things. Hearing the words sounded foreign to my ears. I couldn't believe that I was actually considering leaving Britt for good.

_"Don't be too hasty San. Give it time. Give her space. Don't throw up those walls."_

_"Can I tell you that the only thing keeping me from snorting my troubles away is this baby and Isaac? Do you really think I care about anything else? I love her but I can't sit around and let her break my heart. I'm living for my kids right now. I'm sober for my kids."_

_"That's scary San. You won't be pregnant forever."_

_"I know. I'm trying so hard to hold it together Q. It's just so difficult...maybe marriage wa_ _s just a bad idea. We should have waited. I should have gone with my gut back then."_

_"I don't like your line of thought."_

_"Well I can't be more serious right now. She keeps fucking around with my emotions...and she keeps fucking lying to me! I mean she signed papers for the next tour. What tour?"_ my body felt hot. I wanted to punch something but instead I kept my fists in my lap.

Quinn took the box from me and continued to search through it. I heard rustling and then the sound of metal against metal.

 _"Hey, look at this!"_ I looked over and she pulled out the most beautiful rosary I have ever seen. She had effectively distracted me from my anger for the moment.

 _"Wow! Hand that here."_ I had an unhealthy obsession with rosaries as a kid. At one point just before my miscarriage I owned about fifteen of them.

There was a piece of paper attached to it that fell onto Quinn's lap as she handed the silver and green rosary to me. She picked up the note and quietly skimmed it.

 _"What's the note say?"_ I asked as I ran the rosary between my fingers.

 _"Ian, for your wedding day, for your wife, for the mother of your children. May it bless her and your family like it blessed me and Mimzy, Love Da."_ she read aloud before handing the note to me.

It looked like it had been folded and refolded a hundred times. The words were a little smeared and the paper was crinkled in some places where tears had dried.

_"His Da is his grandfather. He raised Ian after his dad died and then after his Da fell I'll with cancer Ian had to move in with his mom. He was thirteen when he moved to Lima from Denver. His mom had never wanted him...said he was a mistake. He told me he never even met his mom face to face, until then."_

_"What a bitch...so his Da must have given that to him before he died. I think that you should wear it, San."_

_"You think so, it wouldn't be too disrespectful? I mean this would be the final straw for Britt."_

_"Look, it was meant for Ian's wife, the mother of his children and as far as Ian goes...you are the mother of his children and if he had it his way you probably would have been his wife. Just tell Britt that Ian left it to you. She doesn't even need to know the significance behind it."_

_"Are you actually telling me to be deceitful?"_

_"I think Britt is being pretty fucked up right now and if that rosary helps you to remember the pure love that Ian had for you and brings you just an ounce of peace then you should wear it."_

I kissed the cool metal and then brought the beads between my fingers, silently reciting the holy wounds rosary.

I hadn't prayed the rosary in years, but as I moved my hands in prayer over the beads, it came back to me just like second nature.

Quinn remained quiet, no doubt saying a prayer of her own, right beside me. I opened my eyes and looked at the water as I finished praying. The sun had risen and had cut through the fog. It was a beautiful view. I felt the soothing breeze and the calm in my heart and knew that God had heard me. I placed the rosary over my head and tucked it under my shirt allowing the cool metal to graze my skin for the first time.

Nothing had ever felt so right.

We continued to search through the box and I found another rosary from Ian's first communion and decided that I would save it for Isaac. After that there wasn't much else except a sealed note card for Ingrid a.k.a Tor, I would make sure to slip it to her at the viewing the next night.

* * *

When we finished with the box, I packed it back up.

It had been a few hours since we had left home and I was sure that Britt was up by now but when I checked my phone not a single message was from her.

Great.

 _"You ready?"_ I asked Q as I stood to my feet and stretched.

_"Only if you are."_

I nodded and then led the way back through the house and to the car.

There was a calm in my soul now that hadn't been there before and I think I had both Ian and Quinn to thank for that.

It was the first time in days, when I genuinely felt like everything was going to be okay.

My back was aching as we climbed into the car but I just tried my best to ignore it.

 _"Where to now?"_ Q asked as she played on her phone.

 _"Home."_ I said, as I thought of Ian and all the good that he could have done with his life.

Isaac would never know him and it made me feel a sadness so deep but that just meant that it was up to me to make sure that Ian wasn't forgotten.

The rosary, the journal and the note...and hopefully someday his aunt.

My mind was going over my last few days and I smiled to myself as the feel of the rosary grazing my stomach made me remember just who it connected me to. I found myself wishing for millionth time that Ian was sitting right here in this car with us, laughing and talking about all the things he planned to do.

Death sucks, it's vicious and does not discriminate.

It just feels so unfair.

Then I thought about the person that is supposed to be my peace, Britt, my mind kept going to her kissing and fucking other people when she had professed to being committed to me. Which Cheerio had it been? Then I thought about her finding someone on tour in October, would it be a man or woman...I didn't know if my marriage could survive in such a fragile state.

We had both done so much damage and I had thought that I pushed past it all because when I looked at B, I saw only her and forgot the rest. I knew that when she looked at me she would always think of Ian and Marco, I had their children. Her affairs had come and gone but Ian and Marco were forever a part of me.

How could I think that she would be able to look past that?

I hadn't been fair to her either, I saw that now.

* * *

When I got onto the highway I started to feel woozy and could feel the car drifting across lanes.

Then I was swerving as I nearly collided with the wall. Quinn had been looking at her phone but when she felt the car jerk, she grabbed at the wheel and straightened us out.

 _"Pull over, San."_ she yelled at me and I knew better than to argue.

I felt so sick as I pulled off onto the gravel.

The pain was back in full force. I rested my head on the steering wheel. My head was aching and my stomach was hurting me. It felt like the first time all over again.

 _"No...please. Baby stay with Mami please!"_ I was sobbing as I felt the warm liquid on my seat.

I was afraid to look down so I kept my eyes clenched tight and tried to push through the pain.

 _"San, honey, what's wrong? Talk to me. Is it the baby?"_ Q asked me as she pushed me back against the seat so that I was leaning against the headrest.

My head lulled to the side. I looked at her and whispered softly, _"I need a hospital, Q."_ I finally looked down at my lap and Quinn followed my line of sight and a her hand quickly covered her mouth.

 _"Oh my god! No! Not again, Oh God."_ she was crying as she began to maneuver me to the passenger seat. I tried to fight the lightheaded fuzziness that I felt but everything went dark as then I passed out.

I woke up strapped in the passenger seat and then passed out again. I was in and out a few times before I surrendered completely to darkness.

Please God, please don't let me lose another baby.

I don't think my soul can handle it.

* * *

I felt lips pressing against mine as I regained consciousness, I opened my eyes when the lips pulled away. My vision was blurry at first and then I blinked a few times before I recognized Britt standing above me with tears soaking her cheeks.

_"Ana! I'm so happy that you're awake."_

_"Hey B."_ I quickly put my hands on my stomach and then looked up at her again.

_"The baby is fine. Thank goodness!"_

I felt tears sliding down the sides of my face.

Britt was brushing my hair back and looking down at me adoringly like the day that I had Isaac. She was looking at me like she used to back before our world fell apart. I shifted and felt a sharp pain in my back and groaned.

 _"Oh...try not to move too much Santana."_ I heard a familiar voice and then I heard a familiar tsk.

 _"Docs?"_ I whispered into the room.

 _"Yes...it is I!"_ Dr. J said and then Dr. Ramirez popped up next to him. I couldn't help the smile that graced my face as I looked at two of the best doctors that I knew. Dr. J adjusted my bed so that I could see the rest of the room instead of just the ceiling.

 _"Tell me something good, doc."_ I blushed when I felt Britt slide her hand into mine. I allowed it and even held onto it firmly.

_"You were lucky that you weren’t far from here when you passed out. Dr. Ramirez was able to stop the bleeding and had to do some surgery to repair a tear in your cervix quickly and successfully. So your baby is safe and so are you."_

_"That was my line."_ Dr. Ramirez said as she noted some vitals on my chart.

 _"What happened?"_ I asked my baby doctor and she looked concerned.

 _"You had a tear in your cervix, it probably happened during rough intercourse."_ she looked up at Brittany and then back at me. _"Also, your blood pressure was high when you were admitted, so my guess is that the heightened pressure caused the scar tissue to rupture. You could have bled out but thankfully...you had Ms. Fabray with you. She saved your life."_

_"Where is she?"_

_"In a room, sleeping. Poor girl was so tired after carrying you into the ER."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah...it was pretty exciting. You know us poor country folks never get anything as exciting happening, when you are off in New York, Santana."_

_"Gee...thanks."_

_"On a serious note though. You lost a lot of blood...too much."_

_"Is that why I feel so weak?"_

_"You had to get a blood transfusion."_

_"Am I going to be okay?"_

"Well it looks like you may need to be put bed rest, again."

_"Ugh...again?"_

_"You really damaged your body with the drugs Santana. It is going to take time for your body to recover, fully."_

_"And I bet you didn't eat today?"_ Britt whispered.

_"A little bit, a few bites of a sandwich and some decaf."_

_"Is that all? No water?"_ Dr. Jindahl asked, looking happy to be able to talk again.

_"No."_

_"That explains the dehydration yet again. I'm keeping you overnight for observation."_ he looked back up at Britt. _"Why don't you order her meals. Just circle the choices. Ok?"_

The doctors left and then it was just me and B.

I should have been happy to be alone with my wife but just seeing her pissed me off.

* * *

Britt smiled at me and then picked up the menu. I felt insanely tired as so many thoughts were whipping through my head.

_"Ham and Cheese or Chicken sandwich?"_

_"Chicken."_

_"Cranberry or Apple juice?"_

_"Apple."_

_"Pudding or Jello?"_

_"Pudding."_

_"Okay now we do breakfast."_

_"Oatmeal with fruit or eggs?"_

_"Oatmeal."_

_"Apple or Orange Juice?"_

_"Apple Juice."_

_"Okay lunch."_

_"I don't plan to be here that long."_

_"We'll order just in case."_

_"Ugh ok."_

_"Mashed potatoes with chicken or Grilled cheese with tomato soup?"_

_"Grilled cheese."_

_"Fruit or Jello."_

_"Never jello B...never, I hate the stuff. You should know that by now!"_ I snapped. She looked at me nervously and then nodded and circled my choice.

 _"Sorry...fruit it is."_ she said nervously.

_"Apple Juice or Lemonade?"_

_"Really, B? Apple Juice!"_

_"Okay...um...we are done with this then. I'm just going to call Q and then turn this in. You should try and nap."_

_"I'm not tired, I just woke up."_

_"Yea well you are a total cranky pants right now...so maybe a nap would do you some good."_

_"Don't act like you suddenly care about me, Britt."_ I scoffed.

 _"What? Of course I care about you."_ Her face crinkled up and she looked genuinely hurt.

 _"I'm sick of your lies, Brittany!"_ I didn't know why I was being so hostile toward her...well actually I do but I didn't plan to get so angry about it.

 _"What lies?"_ she sighed as she leaned on my bed, holding my hand between both of hers.

 _"Just go B."_ I said finally. I pulled my hand away from hers and clenched my eyes shut.

_"No! What lies did I tell?"_

_"Forget about it."_ I still didn't look at her.

_"No, you can't just say shit like that and then take it back."_

_"I'm just hurt right now. After tomorrow we return to New York and it has me anxious."_

_"Let's not think about that right now."_ she said suddenly deflated.

 _"How can I not?"_ My eyes snapped up to hers.

_"Because it's not important, not right now."_

_"Of course it's important, right now! The state of our marriage is insanely important to me all the time!"_ I was screeching now and Britt was looking down at me in stunned silence. _"Say something damnit!"_

_"You need to calm down...please? You're scaring me."_

_"Get out Brittany! It makes me sick to even look at you!"_ I covered my face with shaky hands as I cried into them.

_"I don't understand...what did I do? What did I say?"_

_"GET OUT!"_ I screamed at the top of my lungs. Britt jumped back but still didn't leave. I rolled from my back and tried to climb from the bed. The pain was intense and then I felt myself falling.

 _"Ana!"_ Britt flew forward and caught me just as I was about to hit the floor. The door flew open and Damariz walked in, how did I forget she was in town?

 _"What the heck is going on in here?"_ she yelled as Britt was putting me back on the bed.

_"She won't leave, Mari...I...tried to make her and I fell."_

_"I'm leaving."_ Britt whispered as she grabbed her purse, she looked down at me with sad eyes before walking towards the door. Mari came and sat down in the chair by my bed and just observed us. My heart hurt as I watched my wife leave looking so defeated, it made me suddenly feel guilty.

Just as Britt reached the door but without turning her back she mumbled, _"I'm sorry I hurt you...I just need this..."_

_"Fuck you, Brittany!" I said coldly._

_"Sorry."_

* * *

The silence that filled the room after the door closed behind Britt, didn't last very long. Mari adjusted my bed so I was sitting up fully and then she cocked an eyebrow at me.

_"Are you two breaking up again?"_

_"No."_

_"Are you sure about that?"_

_"No."_

_"Sis-"_

_"Can we not talk about it please?"_

_"It's important that you stay calm and if you can promise me that you'll try, I'll back off."_

_"Sorry, you're right."_

_"Good. How are you feeling?"_

_"Tired."_

_"I talked to your doctor...you have been way too stressed out...I can see that it has something to do with Brittany. I understand that but even still, all that yelling you just did couldn't have helped one bit."_

_"I know, I didn't mean to snap. My hormones are raging. Everything is just so overwhelming right now."_

_"You just need to take things one step at a time, Santana. You just lost Ian, you're pregnant, and Isaac is still not at 100%, so if you are having issues in your marriage now is not the time to make them worse."_

_"You're right. I will try and calm down. Thanks Mari."_

The lunch that B ordered for me came a short while later and my sister literally waited for me to eat every bite before she left.

I felt overstuffed and ended up falling right to sleep. With all the shit on my mind, I was happy to have a dreamless existence for awhile.

I would worry about my marriage later...apparently it wasn't important right now so I just had to accept that and use the time to take better care of myself for once.


	7. Why? (Rascal Flatts)

* * *

I felt run over a thousand times by the time that my sister left me to rest. Quinn checked in on me and insisted on watching me eat dinner and kissing me way too many times before she gave my fully charged phone. She seemed beyond worried and tired and I knew it was because of me. For once in our relationship, I would like for Quinn to not have to worry about me.

Being a burden on her was my least favorite thing next to all my stuff with Britt.

I had to be better.

Once she was gone, I unlocked my phone and saw that I had a missed call from Carmen, so without doubting myself or thinking it could wait, I called her.

_"Santi! I was minutes from buying a plane ticket my love."_

_"Sorry, we had a scare. I'm in the hospital, I had a tear in my cervix but I'm better now, just here for observation."_

_"Just what you needed right?"_

_"Exactly."_

_"How was the lake?"_

_"Good, I feel like I was able to confront somethings just by going."_

_"Well that's progress. When is the funeral?"_

_"Tomorrow."_

_"And you're coming home after?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Nico and I want to come over for a visit. You'll let me know when you get in?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"What's on your mind?"_

_"Am I burden, Carmen?"_

_"No more than anyone else but people are stronger than you think. If people have decided to hitch their wagons to yours, they have to know they are going to need to carry the load from time to time."_

_"That...makes a lot of sense actually."_

_"I know."_

_"I'm going to be okay, right?"_

_"That's up to you, my love, if you're willing to put in the work."_

_"I'm willing."_

_"Good, you sound tired, get some rest and call me anytime."_

_"Thanks, beba."_

_"ANYTIME, Santi."_

_"Got it."_

_"Go rest. I love you."_

_"I love you."_

* * *

_"TT?"_ I was half asleep and couldn't figure out if I was still dreaming or not. _"Santana? Babe? Wake up."_ Now I was being shaken and okay, what the hell? Maybe shaking me was not the best thing to do after blood loss.

Although my head was pounding something terrible, I forced my eyes open. Just as I suspected, Noah was standing over me trying to make me wake up for some reason.

 _"Puck?"_ I whispered into the dark room. Only the light behind my bed was on. Noah was dressed in all black and had shaved off his mohawk. He looked at me and smiled softly.

I loved this side of him.

 _"Good, I'm glad you're finally awake. It took like fifteen minutes...if you weren't hooked up to that heart monitor, I would have thought you were dead."_ he winced at his own words and then gripped my hand.

_"What are you doing here? What's wrong?"_

_"I need you to get up and come with me."_

_"You do realize where we are right? I can't just get up and leave whenever I feel like it."_

_"I already talked to your doctor. He is going to let you leave for a few hours I just have to bring you back before midnight like you're cinderella or something."_

_"Well I am a queen."_ I smiled.

 _"Whatever."_ he rolled his eyes and then looked at me with a serious glint in his eyes.

_"Where are we going?"_

_"Ian's viewing. It got moved to tonight. It's just family and close friends. His mom is letting me sing but I need your magic fingers."_ he said as he played with my hand.

_"Oh, Noah...I haven't played piano in years."_

_"But you know how, besides I need you there...I need you to sing with me."_

_"I don't think I can do that."_

_"Please? Do this with me for Ian."_

And just like that he had me hooked, I would do anything for Ian, even if it was to break my vow of never playing a piano again.

_"I don't have anything to wear."_

_"No worries, baby mama has you covered."_

_"Who?"_

_"Wow...I save your life and you can't even bother to remember who I am?"_ I heard Quinn's voice come from the doorway. I looked up and saw that she was wearing a black baby doll dress and had a black hat to go with it. She looked funeral chic. If there's such a thing. She came fully into the room holding a garment bag.

 _"I have a baby mama too, you know."_ I said mockingly.

 _"But I'm the original!"_ she said as she came to stand on the other side of me.

_"If you say so."_

_"So, Dr. J is going to be in here soon to get you unhooked from the machines and then I am going to help you shower and get dressed. I didn't bring your makeup because it's going to get ruined. There is no way you are going to walk away tonight without crying...no one will...except maybe that witch Mrs. Perkins."_ she rolled her eyes and then pushed my hair back from my face. _"How are you feeling, San?"_

 _"Better than this morning but not the best that I can be."_ I said as I pushed myself into a sitting position. My back was achy and my stomach was numb. I looked down at it and saw that in the two days that I had been in Lima, I had started showing. I had a little pouch now and it made me smile. _"I am just happy knowing that this little nugget hung in there while Mami was out of it."_ I said as I rubbed my little baby bump.

I dressed silently in the bathroom while Quinn stood close by just in case I got dizzy. She had picked out a long flowing black dress, that she thought would look gorgeous on me. I had brought clothes but she said that I should have something new so she had gone shopping. The dress hugged my body around my stomach so if you looked you could definitely see the baby bump that I was newly sporting. I sat patiently as she pressed my hair so that it hung in loose curls around my face and even allowed her put lotion on my arms and legs for me.

 _"If you get cold, I have a sweater for you in the car."_ I raised and eyebrow and she gave a little shoulder wiggle and smiled at me.

_"You thought of everything."_

_"Ride or die, right? Although, right about now I'd like an assurance from God that the rest of us will live long full lives."_ She said, looking haunted.

Puck poked his head in and Quinn shooed him away, even though he had to get in a dig about seeing us both naked plenty of times. I turned from the sink and pulled Quinn into a tight hug. She felt stiff at first but then after a moment she wrapped her arms around me. We stood there holding each other and I could feel the tears coming already. I pulled away and looked in her fucking amazing eyes.

 _"Thank you for everything Quinn. I really don't know what I would have done without you today."_ She looked up at me with tired but bright eyes and just nodded.

 _"I will always be here for you Santana."_ she said as she stood in front of me, adjusting my hair clip. Then she made me lift my feet as she slid my ballet flats onto my feet and then she stepped back to look at me. _"Perfect."_

_"I love you Q."_

_"I love you too. Now let's get going...we are already late."_ she said as she rolled her eyes and held out her hand.

* * *

Ian's viewing/memorial service was held behind St. Peter's, in their reception room. It was small and intimate, just perfect. When I walked in holding hands with Noah with my arm looped through Quinn's I immediately felt nauseous. The smell of the strong perfumes and colognes made me feel like I was going to throw up at any moment but I just swallowed it down and allowed my two best friends to lead me to the front row of chairs.

Ian's Uncle Thomas looked insanely normal for being such a creep. His black hair was tousled about his head like Ian's blonde hair always was. It was gross. He looked at me as if I was some sort of walking disease but I quickly looked away. We walked to the end of the row and sat in the last three chairs. I was surprised to see Brittany sitting there already with a sleeping Isaac cradled in her arms.

Quinn and Puck had left me the seat just beside her and I looked at them with disgust. This was not in my plan. Britt was not who I wanted to depend on anymore. I smiled at Britt and then sat down beside her. I leaned away from her and into Q. She leaned into me and pretended that she was smoothing out my hair.

 _"Play nice. It took a lot for her to come here. She's trying. You want this to work...then don't give her such a hard time."_ she whispered really low. I nodded my head and then looked back towards Britt. She had been watching the whole exchange between me and Q silently. Her blue eyes met my brown and she smiled...like genuinely...I finally leaned closer to her and rested my head on her shoulder.

 _"Thank you for coming B."_ I said before looking up at her again.

 _"I promised to be here for you."_ she said before biting her bottom lip.

_"Well thanks."_

The service got underway a little bit after that. It was mainly a reading of Ian's eulogy and the presentation of his soul before God. We did a responsive reading with his Uncle Thomas. I sat white knuckled, gripping the edge of the chair the whole entire time. I wanted to jump up and strangle him. We were halfway through when I was hit with a wave of nausea that rocked me.

 _"Ana...you look like you're going to throw up. Lets go to the bathroom."_ Britt said as she leaned close to my ear. I didn't say anything, I just nodded. She moved quickly as she handed Isaac to Quinn before helping me to stand. I didn't even try to fight the urge to lean into her body as we made a swift exit from the room.

I knelt over the toilet seat and emptied my stomach before sitting on the cold tile floor. Britt stood by the wall texting on her phone. I looked up at her and then something in me broke. I closed my eyes and swallowed the lump that had formed. We were at such a fucked up place and God only knows how we would be able to fix it.

 _"Can you get Quinn, please?"_ I croaked out in frustration.

 _"What? Why?"_ she said in a shrill voice as she placed her phone down on the counter top. She filled up a paper cup with water and then came and knelt down beside me. _"You don't want me here with you?"_

 _"Not when you're fucking texting, no. I want you here holding my hair. I want you rubbing my fucking back. I want the girl that I fell in love with and she isn't here right now!"_ I yelled, thankful that I wasn't crying anymore.

_"I was talking to your mom."_

_"I don't care! She can wait!"_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Stop saying that Britt. Please for the love of God...don't say that to me anymore!"_ I buried my face in my hands and tried to take deep breaths.

When had Britt become so frustrating to me?

 _"Okay. What do you need?"_ she said as she pushed the little cup of water into my hands. I looked up at her and then took the cup. She looked so torn. She didn't want to be wrapped up in me and my drama any longer.

_"I need you to leave already. I just don't want to see you anymore."_

_"I'm here for you Santana."_ I flinched at my full name leaving her mouth but then looked at her and nodded. _"You told me that you needed me here. So here I am. You are my wife. It scares me...I just don't know how to love you like you need me to. I keep comparing myself to what you have with Quinn and what you had with Ian and even to what you have with Marco...I can't compete. It's just too hard. I'm tired...everyday is like a war."_

_"Are you turning my words on me? My words to Abuela?"_

_"I just want you to understand. The same way it was a war for you to ignore your feelings for me...it is like a war for me right now to try and compete with these other people in your life. I feel like you don't need me like you say that you do."_

_"How long have you felt this way?"_

_"Since the day that I stepped off that bus from cheer camp and you went running into Marco's arms."_

I sat there looking up at her in shock.

That was almost exactly a year ago. Why did she hold it in for so long? Why was she doing this right now?

I nodded and then pushed myself up off the floor. I staggered a little but then caught myself against the wall. She had her arms out ready to grab me but didn't actually touch me.

_"I can't do this right now. It's not important right now."_

When I hit her with the words she had used on me earlier she definitely didn't like it. She looked hurt as she stood there staring back at me.

I sniffed and then walked over to the sink. I spared her a few glances through the mirror but I didn't say a word to her after that. I rinsed out my mouth a few times and ran a paper towel over my face. I needed to regain my composure. I tossed out the paper towel and made my way over to the door. Britt beat me there and held the door open for me. She was so fucking confusing. I looked at her and nodded my thanks before heading to the front row and sitting down beside Quinn. She looked at me with questioning eyes but I just shook my head and held my arms out for my son who was still asleep.

* * *

Once Isaac was in my arms, I felt my nerves immediately calm down. As I sat there and listened to almost every family member of Ian's go up to the front and speak I fought tears. I was emotionally spent by the time that Puck stood up and came over to me.

_"Ready to play?"_

I kissed Isaac's face a few times and then handed him to Britt. I didn't want her to have one more reason to think I chose Quinn over her. After I was sure she had a good grip on him, I brushed invisible lint from my lap and took Noah's proffered hand.

_"You have the sheet music?"_

I asked as he walked me over to the piano that sat about three feet away from Ian's casket, which I had been avoiding looking at. I didn't want to remember him like that. I sat down on the piano bench and rolled back the lid. I had boycotted piano after Papi broke my hand when I was fourteen. I hadn't played since.

Noah though had heard stories for years from Quinn about how much of a child prodigy I had been. I looked over to Britt and saw the shock in her eyes. Yet another thing she didn't know about me that other people did, it was such a simple thing but she looked genuinely betrayed. I swallowed the guilt and the words that she had just said to me and spread out the music sheets on the stand.

 _"Ready?"_ Noah asked as he stood next to the piano with his black guitar. I nodded as I looked down and rested my fingers lightly on the keys.

I cracked my neck and then tested the tune of the piano before looking at Noah, giving him a slight nod before I began to play and even though the notes were simple...they were so hard to play.

 _"You must have been in a place so dark, you couldn't feel the light..."_ Noah sang out. I looked up at the music sheets and began to put my heart into every note.

I hummed along as I played.

 _"Oh why, that's why I keep asking, was there anything, I could have said or done?"_ I finally sang out before I felt my voice break. Noah looked over at me and sang my next line.

 _"Oh I, had no clue you were masking, a troubled soul, God only knows what went wrong. And why you would leave the stage in the middle of a song."_ He sang the line with so much sadness in his voice that it shook me to the core.

I played on as he continued to sing out the lines and I jumped in when I felt like I could get out the line without crying but it was harder than I thought.

There was a part that I was waiting for more than anything. I continued to play, waiting for it. Noah and I didn't break eye contact as the part came up. He knew that I was going to sing it and from the look on his face I knew that he was going to sing it too.

 _"Oh why? There's no comprehending, and who am I to try to judge or explain?"_ I sang out.

 _"Oh, but I do have one burning question, Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?"_ Noah sang out. He began to pick up the tempo on his guitar as I clenched my fists in my lap and sang out the last few lines acapella. It took everything in me not to look at Ian's mom while I sang them. I closed my eyes and sang through my tears.

 _"They were wrong! They lied! and now you're gone and we cried!"_ I choked out before taking a deep breath. I leaned over the keys and played the last few notes as I finished off the song. _"Cause it's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song. Your beautiful song, your absolutely beautiful song."_

Even though the words were done, I looked at the face of my son's father and played out a short little bit of happiness because Ian always made me so damn happy.

I hated this.

 _"I love you, Papa Bear."_ I whispered before sitting back and closing the cover of the piano.

When the music stopped, I was able to hear the crying throughout the room. I sat there feeling numb staring at the casket as the tears leaked down my cheeks. I didn't stop looking even as Noah led me back to my seat. When I was sitting again, I wiped at my face and then I looked over at my smiling son and saw his big blue eyes staring back up at me. I leaned over and took him into my arms. I held him to my chest as the cries wracked my body. I felt several pairs of hands touching my back and two pairs of arms wrapped around me as I cried.

They were all offering their condolences but I couldn't hear them. Isaac began to whine a little bit and I just kept kissing his head and rocking him. Everything pretty much ended after the song and now all of the attention was centered around me.

Most of Ian's family and friends had never seen his son. They had never met me and now they all wanted to get a glimpse of the spectacle of my tears and I didn't care.

Nothing mattered to me right then more than my two babies. I pulled the rosary from under my dress top and let Isaac wrap his little fist around the beads. I held onto it too as I closed my eyes and began praying harder than I had ever prayed before.

* * *

I woke up mid-morning on my side with my hands cradling my stomach. I felt more rested than I had in weeks and I had to admit that it felt great. Something about releasing all those tears the night before had emptied some of the heavy emotion that had been sitting inside of me.

What was also refreshing was being able to wake up without anyone in my face. I pushed myself up from my bed and waddled to the bathroom. My whole abdomen was no longer numb and was now on fire so I knew that I had to take it slow. I held onto my little stomach as I finally made it to the toilet and wasn't surprised to see that I was still bleeding a little bit. I was supposed to be checked out in a while so I didn't stress it.

Instead of stressing, took time to clean myself and then brush my teeth and my hair until I felt refreshed.

By the time I made it back to my bed a whole hour had passed by. I knew that the peace and solitude wouldn't last long so I was really enjoying it. I climbed back on my bed and found that my breakfast had been replaced by lunch so I must have slept half the day away.

Half the day went by and I didn't have any visitors...that just seemed odd but with all the recent drama I wasn't complaining. Maybe after my extensive crying the night before they had decided to let me have the morning to myself.

I ate my lunch and played angry birds. My soul felt at peace as I made it through my meal.

About two hours passed by like this with me just lounging around with no visitors.

Dr. Ramirez came in not long after I finished my lunch with a soft smile and was quick and efficient as she checked me out.

_"I just added a quick tightening to a stitch, it looked strained."_

_"This funeral business is hard on me, doc. I'm doing my best to not get worked up."_

_"I know, Santana. You just need to get through this next day but then I'm going to need you to follow up with Dr. Cabot when you get back to the city. I've already talked to her and she has my notes."_

_"Thanks for doing that."_

_"No argument?"_ She looked surprised.

_"A lot has changed, I want this little nugget to make it here safely and I know that I have to do whatever it takes, even get fat."_

_"That's my girl."_

She left me with prescriptions and then dropped a kiss on the top of my head before running a hand over my tiny little bump.

I'd really miss her.

Her stitch worked because within two more trips to the bathroom, I had stopped bleeding completely. I was supposed to be discharged soon and was hoping that I could head out while it was still daylight.

Dr. Jindahl walked in with Quinn not too long after Dr. Ramirez left. They were both smiling and joking around with each other. I was so happy to see them. Quinn held a duffel bag over her shoulder that she put at the end of my bed before sitting down and crossing her hands in her lap. She was smiling at me but now that she was up close to me, I could see that she was hiding something. Doc on the other hand started checking my vitals and the machines and was chattering away to whoever would listen.

My eyes locked with Quinn's and sure enough, she looked like she was forcing the bubbly smile on her face but I could see that her mask was slipping in front of me the longer that I looked at her. I finally looked away from her and over at my cheerful doctor who was still fiddling with the machines. He turned around and looked at me with a big smile on his face.

_"So doc...how are things?"_

_"You are very much improved, Santana. Your blood pressure is stable, you are properly hydrated and Dr. Ramirez tells me that she fixed your stitch and that the baby is doing just fine."_

_"That's great, does that mean that I can go?"_

_"I have your discharge papers waiting for you at the nurses station. I want you to start taking better care of yourself young lady. Eat three meals a day, drink at least a gallon of water a day, and try to sleep more and yell less. Got it?"_

_"Yes, doc. What about the bed rest?"_

_"Dr. Ramirez wants you to follow up with Dr. Cabot when you get back to the city. She will examine the stitches and at that time determine next steps. In the meantime don't go running marathons or anything and stay away from intercourse until then. I know it's a hard concept but you need to relax. I want you to enjoy this pregnancy...ok?"_

_"Ok. Thank you so much doc!"_

_"No problem! Call me or Dr. Ramirez if you have any pain between now and your flight. Any bleeding you get to the ER immediately. Understand?"_

_"Yes sir."_

He leaned over and hugged me. He had really come through for me and I was so grateful for Papi. It was like I had my own personal doctor. Nothing better than that. He ruffled my hair and then winked at Q before he left the room. I looked over at my friend and noticed that her mask had fallen. She looked insanely exhausted. Her usually amazing eyes looked strained and she looked like she was on the verge of tears.

_"What's going on Q?"_

_"It was a long night after I dropped you off. Why don't you go ahead and get dressed, then I will tell you on the way to the house."_

_"Is it bad?"_

_"Depends on how you look at it...just get dressed. We need to get to packing before the funeral tonight. Our flight leaves early tomorrow morning."_

She looked like she was barely holding it together so I didn't even bother putting up a fight. I trusted Quinn's judgment and if that's the way she wanted to deal with whatever it was then I would comply.

* * *

We sat in Q's old bug and headed to my mother's house. She was silent for a while and kept clearing her throat. I didn't let it get to me today, she was definitely on edge. I wasn't used to Q being so antsy, the fact that she was having an internal struggle about how to talk to me, made me nervous. Finally I couldn't take it anymore.

_"Just talk to me Q."_

_"Britt left."_

_"What do you mean, she left?"_

_"She's in California...she um...changed tours. That's what Frankie was referring to on the phone."_

_"David Guetta?"_ I asked, knowing that Frankie was in California and that she was on that tour.

_"Yea, how did you know?"_

_"That's Frankie's tour."_ I said calmly.

I should have expected her to leave after our conversation the night before. I wasn't surprised that she did it before I got back to the house either. Britt could never deal with confrontation.

 _"Shit. She never said that."_ Quinn looked pale now. Clammy wasn't a good look for her at all.

_"When did she leave?"_

_"She was gone when I woke up this morning. She texted me from the airport."_

_"Where is Isaac?"_

_"Gladys has him."_

_"Was she even planning on coming to the funeral tonight?"_

_"No."_

_"I get why I'd be upset about this but y_ _ou still seem on edge. What is it?"_

_"Rachel has been all over Facebook. She is already making out with other people. It's been two days."_

_"It's her loss Q."_

_"Yea, I know, it just hurts. I mean she fought so hard to keep Finn...why not me?"_

_"That's because she's selfish just like B. Did she even stop by and check on me after my breakdown yesterday?"_

_"I doubt it. She went back to the house last night and slept on the couch, didn't speak a word to anyone, including Gladys and you know how your mom felt about that. So I spent the night taking care of Isaac, who is not doing to well by the way. He had a bad night last night. I think he has a cold. Maybe it was too soon for the plane ride. Too much exposure to foreign particles."_

_"You already sound like a doctor already."_

_"Whatever."_

_"Is it really bad?"_

_"Yea...it has the potential to be. After tomorrow...no more planes."_

_"I said that I didn't want him on one in the first place. Thank you for taking care of him. That means the world to me Q."_

_"Don't mention it, that's what best friends and godmothers are supposed to do."_

* * *

_"Are you sure it's okay to leave him?"_ I asked Mami as I rocked my son to sleep in my arms as Quinn packed our bags.

_"Yes, the last thing he needs is to be in a room full of people when he is already sick."_

_"I know, I know it's just, I feel like I should stay."_

_"You're going to go speak on behalf of your son and his father."_

_"And to bury him."_

Mami pressed her hand to my stomach and looked me straight in the eye.

_"You know the superstition, Anita, that's the last place you should go."_

_"Screw superstition, I feel like I need to be there."_

_"Pues, mi'ja, you're an adult and if you want to tempt fate..."_ She threw up her hands and didn't say another word about it. _"Give him over and go finish getting ready."_

_"Thanks again, Mami."_

St. Michael Catholic Church in Lima Heights wasn't new to me, although I lived in a different parish, I had taken my first communion there. It was mi Abuela's church. Which is partially why I was so thrown off when I saw her at St. Peter's. Mami says that she started going to our church because she got into an argument with one of the nuns at her own church and apparently tried to punch her. I obviously come by my temper honestly.

Quinn and I had been surprised that the funeral had been allowed in the church to begin with, since it was a suicide. That was one of those great big sins that just wasn't tolerated in the church but then again this church was much more open than the one me and Mami went to, St. Peter's had been generous enough just when they allowed the viewing to be held on their premises, so I wasn't surprised that they had stopped it there and had not allowed the actual funeral to be held in their sanctuary.

Even though St. Michael's was in a pretty tough neighborhood, it was one of the most beautiful church structures that I had ever seen. A peace filled me as I stepped inside for the first time since my confirmation. I had so many memories and they brought a smile to my face and I'm sure a light to my eyes.

It felt like coming home.

No matter what nonsense I get into out in the world the moment I step into any church all of that just melts away.

As I dipped my fingers into the holy water I was immediately reminded of my childhood and how this was always my favorite ritual. Even as a child I thrived on rituals and this one brought me hope that even I could be cleansed of my growing mountain of sins.

When walked down the aisle, I kept my eyes forward even though I heard the whispers as I walked. This was the public funeral and since Lima Heights was so small, everyone tended to know each other so a funeral was a community event...no matter who it was.

I walked in with Q directly beside me and headed straight to the front and sat behind Ian's mother and sister. When Mrs. Perkins saw me she pushed Ingrid over and waved me up. I looked over at Quinn and she just shrugged and urged me to go sit up there with Mrs. Perkins. When I stood, I saw Noah coming up the aisle and I waved him towards Quinn. He nodded and we switched places.

From the front pew I could see Ian's face more perfectly than the night before. I had been able to escape without having to see him up close but now I could see every single detail. His face looked pale and his dirty blonde hair was slicked back...he would have hated it. He had always preferred that tousled, bed head look. I'm sure his mother took a sick pleasure in sending him off with a hairstyle like that. It was so unlike him.

I immediately recognized the suit that he wore as the one I had bought for him to wear at prom. He had told me that he wasn't going to go but I insisted that he did and then he broke down and told me he had nothing to wear...it took me a week to convince him to let me buy him that suit and even then he had insisted I buy a cheap one. I had let him choose one and then got it tailored to fit him properly. It looked so nice on him and now seeing him in it again gave me chills.

It was crazy that he would be buried in it.

* * *

I glanced back at Quinn who had her head bent and her hands in her purse but I could still see her furiously texting someone as she leaned against Noah's shoulder. He smiled at me and then quickly rubbed at his eyes. He was already crying. I was about to say something to Quinn but then I felt my phone buzzing in my jacket pocket. At moments like this when I was next to people like Mrs. Perkins, I was thankful for the privacy screen on my iPhone.

**_I have the card for Tori in my purse. Do you want to give it to her?-Q_ **

I didn't bother to text back I just looked back at her and nodded. She winked and then she folded her hands on top of her purse before turning towards Puck and engaging him in conversation. She was becoming a master of distraction lately. I appreciated it beyond measure.

As the service got underway, I sat stiffly and looked at Ian's still form. I kept remembering him at his best and it made my eyes burn. I had been so distracted that I flinched when Tori leaned her head on my shoulder and whispered to me.

_"You look beautiful, Santana. Like always."_

_"You do too Tor. I hope that you have been dealing with this alright."_

_"I'm ok. Are you ok? Are you sick?"_

_"Y-Yea...I'm ok...why do you ask?"_

_"You are wearing a hospital bracelet."_ she said as she fingered the plastic bracelet that I had forgotten to take off.

_"Oh."_

How had I forgotten to take that off? I mean I had gone home, showered, ate, played with Isaac. Never in all that time did I even notice it. I didn't get a chance to respond to her because the priest, Father Newman, had stepped to the front and Mrs. Perkins shot us both a look.

She didn't scare me but I didn't want to be the cause of her doing anything to Tori. I mouthed an apology and she nodded curtly at me. I looked at Tori and wrapped my hand in hers. She scooted closer to me and I wrapped an arm around her. My hand brushed someone and I looked up to apologize.

That's when I saw who was sitting on the other side of her. Uncle Thomas.

I jerked my hand against Tori as he smirked at me. My head snapped forward as I tried to ignore his presence but no matter how much I tried to ignore him, I could feel him leering at me.

Creeper.

The service was very subdued, especially without people like me and Noah singing.

Father Newman talked endlessly about the church needing to pray for Ian's soul. I agreed but the way he said it angered me, his tone was laced with judgment and animosity as he openly talked about Ian's child out of wedlock and then he went on to talk about Ian's many transgressions.

My body was vibrating with so much negative emotion. I wanted to snap but I bit back the words that wanted to spill from my mouth. I was so angry as I sat next to Mrs. Perkins, who kept nodding in agreement, she made my anger feel alive and electric. I couldn't wait until this was all over. I tightened my arm around Tori as she sobbed silently into my side every time the priest said something painful about her big brother. I was fighting tears myself but I couldn't let them fall especially because they weren't from sadness.

I felt homicidal and there was nothing that I could do about it.

* * *

I breathed a sigh of relief when Father Newman called up Mrs. Perkins and he stepped to the side with his tirade. She smiled down at me making sure she caught my eyes before walking up to the lectern. I waited for her back to be turned before turning back to Quinn and holding my hand out for the note. I turned quickly back around and put it into my purse. I could still feel that asshole leering at me so I would just have to wait for a more opportune time.

All I wanted was to honor Ian and I had thought his mom would want that too. I had been hoping in vain that Mrs. Perkins would provide a break from all of Father Newman's vitriol but she ended up just adding to it. It took everything for me not to leave my seat as I listened to this woman call Ian a heathen who needed all of our prayers. Her brogue was thick and filled with so much hatred that it was easy to forget that she had given birth to him.

I hated her.

Lord forgive me, I know that it isn't right to hate people but I can think of no other sentiment to better describe my feelings for this woman. With every bitter word she said I was assured more and more that I would be keeping my children away from her at all costs. She stopped ranting after a few minutes and then began to lead the church in an old Irish hymn about redemption.

I looked back at Noah and he just shook his head and looked down at his hands. He was doing everything that he could to hold it together. I wanted to just lay with him and hold him like we used to when his deadbeat dad would promise him things and never follow through.

Noah acted tough but on those days when he was curled up in the fetal position, I knew that he just needed someone to hold him and tell him that it was going to be alright. I knew that he needed that right at that moment. I hoped that he was able to get that kind of comfort from Olivia.

After the hymn ended, Mrs. Perkins began to rant again and I fought the urge to groan. I leaned down and whispered against Tori's ear.

 _"Is she always like this?"_ I mumbled under my breath as she led the church in a responsive reading.

_"No. This is tame."_

_"Oh God...I'm sorry to hear that."_ I whispered.

 _"I'm used to it."_ she shrugged.

_"That's a shame. I have something for you from Ian...you can't let her know though."_

_"Ok. I won't, I promise."_

_"I don't know when to give it to you."_

_"She's about to pray. She won't be paying us any attention, so then."_

I nodded and looked up at her. She was glaring down at me and I bowed my head. Bitch. A few moments later we all stood as she began to pray. I leaned back over to Tori.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"I'm positive."_ she whispered.

We stood side by side as a prayer began. I waited to see both Mrs. Perkins and Uncle Thomas bow their heads before I slipped the small note card into Tori's hands. She gripped it tightly in her hands for a moment and then she slipped it into her pocket.

I looked over at her uncle and then up at Mrs. Perkins to see if they saw but they still had their eyes closed and their heads bowed. Her mother had been so into the prayer that I felt confident in Tori's judgement.

I just hoped that it didn't backfire.

_"Santana Lopez."_

Father Newman called out to me. My head snapped up and I looked around feeling a little disoriented. I had been so wrapped up in my own head that I didn't realize that Ian's mom was back by my side.

How long had I been thinking about other things?

What was expected of me? I felt embarrassed as I looked up and saw Father Newman beckoning me up to the lectern as he beckoned me up.

Even though I was an out and proud lesbian, he was still allowing me to the lectern but I knew it was because he had confirmed me. I was forever a part of his flock. I stood up on shaky legs feeling nervous and unsure of myself.

What was I supposed to say?

I looked back at Mrs. Perkins and saw her glaring at me. She knew that I hadn't been paying attention. I felt my heart clench but then looked down at Ian's still form as I passed by his body and suddenly felt the brush of cool metal against my skin and I immediately felt my back straighten. I knew what I needed to do. I stood up next to the same priest that had talked about my bastard son. The same priest who had given me my confirmation name.

Maria.

He knew who I was more than I'm sure he would have like to have let on. I wanted to kick him in the balls but then I felt his heavy hand on my shoulder and I was ten again.

 _"Welcome home."_ he whispered in my ear before pushing me forward.

* * *

I stepped up to the podium and could see that the church was packed. Every single pew was full and there were even people standing. I looked to the back and could see some of his teammates from the football team hold up their helmets. I nodded to them and felt like I was back at graduation. There were dozens of familiar faces from the my graduating class. I saw almost every jock from the school, they were all sitting there looking at me with tears in their eyes.

My eyes finally rested on Coaches Beiste and Sue both looking up at me solemnly. I knew that they were depending on me to stand up for the father of my children. They knew me...they all knew me...there was no way that I was going down without a fight.

Just as I was about to speak, I heard a throat clear and there just across from where I had been sitting was Abuela. She was looking me straight in the eyes and I felt all of the rejection that she had heaped on me. I didn't think I understood the rejection that Ian had felt from his mother but that's not true, right in front of me was the living embodiment of my rejection.

The sting of it helped me to focus. I took a deep cleansing breath and took a moment to look down at Ian again. I thought instantly of the first time that he held Isaac and how his face lit up like Christmas. That was the Ian that I wanted these people to remember.

_"I come before you today not to extrapolate on the many transgressions of one of God's beloved but tormented children, instead I come here to send off a decent man. I cannot begin to cast the first stone at Ian for what he was driven to. What I can say is that I loved him unconditionally in life and in death. All of my life, I have been singularly focused on rising to the top, not caring who I stepped on. Ian loved me throughout all of those moments. He was kind and loved everyone but me, he loved when I didn't even know he existed. This last year, getting to know him and share with him all the firsts has been one of the best things in my life. Papa bear, you saved me when I needed it. I wish that I could have returned the favor. He leaves behind a four month old son who he adored from the moment that he first laid eyes on him. He leaves behind an unborn child that he was crazy excited about, a child that I nearly lost yesterday. I am eternally grateful for the gifts that he gave me and to most of you, he was generous and open with his time, his presence and his amazing sense of humor. I will miss the man that stood and held my hand when our son Isaac had a collapsed lung. He held my hand and prayed with me when no one else would. He hurt deeply the day he took his own life...his heart could not take anymore injustice from those who wronged him and you know who your are. I pray that he has finally found peace from his sorrows. I ask the church to pray for his family, his children, for me. Ian...rest easy. I will love and miss you, every moment of my life. Ciao Papa Bear."_

My voice broke the moment I uttered the last three words as I openly wept. Within seconds, I felt a hand on my back and I leaned into it feeling as if I could no longer stand on my own, I wasn't quite sure that I could, frankly. I was led down from the pulpit and out of the sanctuary with a person on either side of me and it wasn't until I felt the warm night breeze hit my body that I looked over to see Q and Noah with tears in their eyes.

 _"We need to go, TT. His mom asked me to take you home."_ Noah said as he leaned into me.

 _"No."_ I muttered, trying to turn back towards the church.

 _"San you proved your point...keep your dignity. Let's go home."_ Quinn said soothingly.

 _"His burial...I need to be there."_ I whispered...feeling lost and confused.

_"No S, let us take you home."_

_"Q's right, his mom doesn't want you there. She didn't fight the viewing or the service. Let her have the burial. I will be there for him the way I couldn't in life. Go home, please?"_ Noah's voice was strained as he pressed against my lower back again. I clung to his shirt as I sobbed against him. He held me tight as I let out everything that had been building up in me since the moment that they had began to tear Ian down even in death.

The church bells began tolled loudly, shaking me back into reality. Noah stood there looking down at me and then leaned in and kissed my forehead.

_"Fine. Thank you for being there for him. I love you NoNo."_

_"I love you too. TT...so much!"_ he said as he slipped his sunglasses on and began to walk back inside. I saw his shoulders shaking as he walked away and felt a piece of myself break.

Quinn stood there with her hand out. I looked at it for a moment but then smiled and gripped it in mine and let her lead me to the car.

The words from the song we sung the night before drifted to the front of my mind.

_There's no comprehending, and who am I to try to judge or explain._

His mom and uncle had beat the joy from his soul...his beautiful soul and I knew that they would pay for it. My soul hurt but I knew that I had redeemed him in some way.

Ian had always deserved better than he got...even from me.


	8. That's What You Get (Paramore)

* * *

When I get trapped in my own head, Q has this disarming way of getting me to refocus my mind on something else entirely and with the way I was feeling about essentially being ousted from the burial, she was doing the utmost to distract me.

_"Remember when I picked you up and I was being-"_

_"A secretive pain in my ass, yes."_ I grumbled as I angrily scrolled through socials looking for any updates from Britt.

_"Hey, be nice and put the phone down for a second, please?"_

I huffed and put my phone face down in my lap as we passed the turn towards home and headed into town instead.

_"Where are we going?"_

_"School."_

Sure enough, we were pulling into the parking lot of McKinley a few minutes later.

_"Why are we here, Q?"_

_"Because you need to get out some of that frustration and since I'm not planning on going there again with you, walking will have to do."_

I rolled my eyes and got out the car, grateful that I was wearing flats.

Once we were on the track, Quinn slid her arm through mine and we began to walk, my phone was left behind in the car with hers so I had no choice but to be present in the moment.

Sure, I was grumbling a little but I knew that in just one lap of this track, I'd be grateful but who would I be if I didn't put up a fight?

_"When I told you about Rachel being all over socials, I didn't tell you that it sent me on another spiral of wanting to drink and smoke until I was numb but then Britt was being an ass and not being a mom to Isaac. Your mom was walking around being passive aggressive while my little godson was suffering, so I had to step in."_

My heart softened, if Quinn wanted to walk and talk to me about her stuff, I needed to be okay with that. She'd hitched her wagon to mine and I needed to carry the load from time to time.

_"Thank you for that, Q. Isaac hit the jackpot having you as his godmother."_

_"And don't you forget it."_ She teased.

_"Tell me what's on your mind Q, I could really use a break from everything else!"_

_"It's about your sister."_

_"Which one? I have four."_

_"Celia."_

_"Okay. What about her, are you two finally going to do something about all that sexual tension?"_

_"Do you think she's really interested in me?"_ she whispered so low that I had to lean in to hear her.

 _"Uh...like romantically?"_ I was dumbstruck. Quinn shot me a look and then looked back at the road. Her whole face was flushed pink.

_"Yea."_

_"Um...yea...I mean, unless there's something you haven't told me, I'm pretty sure most of last year we were in a fight because you were resisting fucking her. Right?"_

_"Well yeah."_

_"You're both single adults now, go for it, Q. I already gave you my blessing."_

_"Yeah, you're right. You know l_ _ast night after putting Izzy to bed for the sixth time...she had stumbled into the kitchen to get coffee or something and I was sitting there crying over Rachel being so nonchalant about our year long relationship ending. Your sister in true Lopez fashion told me to take my head out of my ass. We ended up talking some. She kept me company through Izzy's breathing treatment and then we kind of fell asleep in your bed."_

_"Eww, really?"_

_"It was on top of the covers, fully clothed."_

_"I think you should go for it, Q."_

_"You think? I mean it's been like three days."_

_"So what."_

_"And she lives in Chicago."_

_"And Texas but she spends most of her time in New York with Sandra."_

_"Okay...that's not so bad."_

_"But before we get ahead of ourselves...why don't you talk to her first."_

_"And you're still 100% okay with this?"_

_"Definitely, Q."_

* * *

When we left the field, I had Q swing by my old apartment building.

 _"Wait!"_ I called out and she hit the break so hard, that if we weren't both strapped in, I would have flown through the windshield.

_"What?"_

There just in front of the building was a for sale sign.

_"Pull into the lot."_

Quinn was eying me skeptical but she did as I asked. I whipped out my phone so fast and dialed a number that I hadn't had to in a while.

 _"Hey sis."_ Sandra said, sounding distracted.

_"I'm about to do something and I need your okay."_

_"Oh God, I thought you were in Lima for a funeral. What could you possibly be spending a boat load of money on? Don't tell me you are paying for the funeral when you've had to fight to even attend it."_ She'd obviously been talking to Mami or Celia. I rolled my eyes and sighed.

_"I'm not paying for the funeral. Do you remember my old apartment building?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"It's for sale."_

_"Okay."_

_"I want to buy it. It would be a good homebase while I'm here and it would be a good way to make some passive income."_

_"How much?"_

_"No idea, I saw the sign and immediately called you before making any moves."_

_"You're learning, Ana."_

_"So, will you sign off?"_

_"I'm going to do you one better, send me the number and I'll connect with Sal to make sure the investment is sound."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yup. Right now, you have more important things to worry about and you need to be stress free. If the investment is good, then I will get a private inspector to check it out before buying it."_

_"Perfect! Thanks, Sandra."_

_"You're welcome. I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

After sending Sandra a picture of the for sale sign and sending her Sal's number, I hit the dash and looked over at Q.

_"Do you know what this means?"_

_"No, I was pretty sure you were done with this town."_

_"Well I am but there will be times that we have to come back. I'm not always going to want to be back at the big house and I know you won't want to go to Judy's."_

_"Of course not."_

_"So Q, this can be our homebase."_

_"I like the way you think."_

_"Of course you do, now lets go back home. There's a little snuggle bug that needs me."_

* * *

When Ian wasn't at work or at his house, he was always at my mother's house doing the 'manly' things that my father used to pay to have done. With the way that Noah looked like he was barely hanging on, it is no surprise to me that he showed up to the house looking for me to distract him from his sadness and Mami pounced.

Quinn saw him before I did and laughed. _"Gladys is amazing."_

Noah was cutting the grass with a look of determination on his face. I wanted to taunt him but I could tell that he needed this and I wasn't going to to interrupt. People work through their grief in their on time and in their own way. He didn't even seem to notice me walk right by him. I was glad that Mami was distracting him.

 _"You gonna talk to Ceily?"_ I asked Q as we made our way to the front door and she looked at me with a sly grin.

_"I'm going to do it as soon as I can before I lose my nerve."_

_"Good, life is too short to pussy foot around."_

She grinned and gave me a curt nod as we made our way to the kitchen.

Mami was sitting with Isaac asleep in his bouncer as she cooked dinner.

_"Bendicion, Mami. How long has he been out?"_

She glanced at him and smiled.

_"Not too long, he just had a treatment so he's in and out."_

_"Okay, thank you for watching him."_

_"No need to thank me for hanging out with my precious little guy."_

_"Well thank you for putting Noah to work, he's taking this really hard."_

_"I noticed."_ She looked past me and raised an eyebrow. _"Lucy, you intend to stand there looking out that window all night or you going to grow some balls and go out there?"_

Q looked at Mami with shock.

_"Huh?"_

_"You girls think you're so clever and secretive, nothing is new under the sun. Go out there and get started on becoming my daughter-in-law already."_

_"Yes, ma'am."_ Q kissed Mami's cheek and then headed outside, where Celia was painting by the pool.

I sighed as I watched my sister's face light up when she saw Q.

 _"I miss that feeling."_ I muttered.

Mami gave me a stern look but she didn't say much.

Or at least she couldn't because in the next second there was a warning whimper from just behind me.

I turned to see that Isaac was about to have a meltdown any second.

He must have heard my voice.

Once Isaac was in my arms, he calmed down, I kissed his face and danced with him around the kitchen while Mami turned up the music and began to dance too.

It was a moment of levity that I needed in such a hard day.

* * *

Even with all the dancing around and music while Mami continued to cook, Isaac still fell back to sleep. My body was back to feeling okay but I still felt a little unsure about climbing the steps with my son, so I pushed into the den and cuddled in the recliner with him on my lap.

Mami brought a blanket in and tucked the blanket around us.

_"Dinner will be ready in about a half hour, relax until then. Okay?"_

_"Si, Mami."_

Once she closed the door, I pulled out my phone and took a picture of Isaac's perfect face and decided to break the stalemate bewteeen me and Britt.

It had been an eternity since I had gone this long without hearing from her.

So I sent her the picture and then waited for a response but nothing came.

_**Is now a good time?-Santi** _

_**Yes.-Carmen** _

_**Are you calling me?-Carmen** _

_**Yes-Santi** _

The phone barely rang before Carmen was requesting a video chat.

So I accepted and felt the heaviness lift when I saw her face.

 _"Hey."_ She said softly, when she realized I was holding my baby.

_"Hi."_

_"How was the service?"_

_"Hard. The priest and his mom talked about him like a dog. I got up to speak and said my piece. I talked about how amazing he was. She wouldn't let me go to his burial."_

_"Do you need that closure?"_

_"Not really, I got to sing and play last night and then today I got to speak for him."_

_"You'll be able to visit when you have nobody watching you, right?"_

_"You're right."_

_"How are the cravings?"_ I looked away from her and down at my son, for him, I'd be honest with at least Carmen.

_"Ever present but manageable for now."_

_"We are still on for a visit tomorrow right?"_

The door cracked open and there was Mami.

_"Yeah, listen, it's time to eat. I'll call you when I land, okay?"_

_"Okay, my love. Cuidate."_

Mami's eyebrows were raised but I just smiled at her.

_"Would you mind taking him upstairs, I need to call Britt."_

She came over to me, giving me the eye but I refused to let her bait me, instead I handed over Isaac.

When I looked down at my phone there was a message. Mami left in a huff but I didn't need her to get involved, there was nothing to worry about. I knew for a fact that she was operating like she hadn't had a heart attack two months ago but I knew better. I could see the strain on her face and I didn't want to add to that.

My addiction was under control and as for my marriage, it was a work in progress.

**_Sorry I left like that. U ok?-Britt_ **

**_All good. Just missed you.-Ana_ **

**_IMU 2-Britt_ **

* * *

After dinner, I was back in the den, this time with a posse. We'd all decided to have a movie night and it felt really good to just relax. Quinn and Celia sat wrapped up on the couch with Isaac, while Noah laid sprawled out on the floor. In that moment, I wanted only one thing and that was to be with my wife.

I'd pushed her away when she was just looking for a reason to leave and now I was regretting that but I'd been here before, feeling lonely while she took a break.

This wasn't my first rodeo and I would handle it with poise and grace.

Like everyone was reminding me, I had bigger things to concern myself with like getting Isaac and myself straight to the doctor as soon as we touched down in New York.

Right now, we were just biding our time but I was concerned, my little guy was still smiling but I could hear the strain in his lungs. It was so bad that I was tempted to drive but a nine hour drive versus an hour flight was a no brainer. The sooner I got him in to see his doctor, the sooner he'd feel better, I just wished that Britt was here.

Him being sick was her fault after all.

As I looked at him, drooling on Quinn's shirt, I decided to tell her just as much.

**_Isaac has a cold. Taking him to the doc as soon as we get home-Ana_ **

**_Shld I come home?-Britt_ **

**_Up to you.-Ana_ **

**_Is it?-Britt_ **

**_Always-Ana_ **

**_Feels like a test.-Britt_ **

**_Just letting you know, B. Do what you want, it's what u r good at-Ana_ **

**_Wow-Britt_ **

Her call came in a second later but I declined it.

Then she called again but I declined that too.

Quinn's phone went off but before she could check it, Mami popped her head into the room.

_"Ana, come into the kitchen for a minute, please."_

_"Okay, Mami!"_

I left my phone behind and followed Mami into the kitchen, relieved to be saved from a blowout with B.

 _"Is everything okay?"_ I asked Mami as I stepped out into the kitchen. She nodded and then put her hands on my shoulders, her eyes were searching mine and it put me on high alert. _"Mami...you're scaring me. What's wrong?"_

 _"Two wrongs don't make a right, Nanita."_ Her use of my childhood nickname made me freeze.

_"I know that, if this is about the call earlier, I need you to know that she is just a friend."_

_"That's how things start."_

_"Not with Carmen."_ Mami froze, surprised it seemed by my mention of a name she hadn't heard before.

_"Carmen?"_

_"Yes, she's my sponsor."_ Mami looked relieved and pulled me against her. _"Just because Britt can't be faithful, doesn't mean I'm not."_

She pressed her hand to my stomach and I nodded, she made her point.

 _"Be that as it may, mi'ja, you have a visitor up in your room."_ she said cryptically.

 _"It's not um...Mrs. Perkins is it?"_ My heart sank. I really didn't want to deal with that old bat anymore than I had to.

_"No, I am pretty sure she won't be coming back here."_

_"Good."_

_"Go ahead and remember what I said."_

_"Um...okay."_

I hadn't been expecting company especially at almost ten at night, add to that, the fact that Mami was being weird. Like seriously strange, she even followed me up the stairs to my bedroom door. When I went to open it she stilled my hand and grasped my chin until my eyes were lined up with hers.

_"No matter what happens, Santana...I love you and I trust you more each day. I know you are hurting right now...your marriage has gone to shit and your health leaves something to be desired but regardless of it all, I love you. Okay?"_

_"Okay, Mami, thanks?"_ I looked at her with a cocked eyebrow and she just stared in my eyes another moment before pulling me in for another hug. I patted her back awkwardly and then stepped back.

_"Are you headed to bed?"_

_"Yes. Make sure you set your alarm. I want to be out of here at six."_

_"Okay. Night Mami."_

I watched Mami as she went across the hall and shut the door. She had me anxious. My hand was sweaty as it gripped the door knob. There were few people that got under her skin and made her act so strangely. I just couldn't imagine who it could be.

* * *

A million faces went through my head as I pushed the door open but none of them had looked like her. My heart squeezed so tight that I thought I was having a heart attack. I stood there looking at her with so many emotions flooding my body that I couldn't even formulate a greeting. She was definitely not what I expected.

But I couldn't find a single reason to complain.

When my mom went back to work I was four. I was too young to stay home alone so I spent a lot of time in Lima Heights with mi Abuela. She wasn't very nice to me and called me all sorts of names...it's what made me tough. She had never really approved of my mother marrying my father for a million reasons. He was her professor. He was divorced. He had four children. I mean you name it she probably accused him of it and she never spared my feelings when she ranted either.

Abuela and Mami had been at odds for years because my mom supported my Tio Gene being gay. Abuela took a lot of that anger out on me and even attempted to sell me when I was pestering her too much. At some point I gained her respect and we formed a bond that was special and unique. I was her angel...she loved me even though I was the spawn of an adulterer. Her words not mine.

When I was seven I begged my parents to let me take my first communion classes. Of course with my mother being a lawyer and my father being a doctor...they just didn't have the time. So I turned to Abuela and she immediately said yes. She delighted in my enjoyment of church and began to foster a deep sense of pride in me. She taught me to be God fearing and hard. She is the reason that I was able to deal with Sue Sylvester. A big part of who I am comes from her. She was like a mother to me. So it was no surprise that I began to prefer her house to my own home.

In my very first communion class I met Ariana, she was tough, witty and incredibly pretty. Her family had just moved from the Dominican Republic and she already spoke English flawlessly. She had olive skin, almond hazel eyes and a smile that could light up a town. I was secretly obsessed with her but did everything that I could to keep that to myself and with practice I hid it well.

We became fast friends and were inseparable, she was my first best friend and my first crush. We stayed friends all the way until I took confirmation at twelve. Unfortunately for us, after my confirmation my Abuela convinced my parents that I showing signs if gayness and that I was now old enough to be home alone. So my weekend and evening visits to Lima Heights abruptly ended and I was forbidden from seeing Ariana.

It's no coincidence that soon after that Marco was thrust back into my life and I got pregnant. I tried to keep in touch with Ariana but Abuela had covered her bases and told her parents too. So even when I called, I was hung up on. My parents allowed her to come to my quinceanera but she only came to the church service, with her parents flanking her. She looked sad and heartbroken. I had waved and she had smiled. I hadn't seen her since.

Until now.

 _"Hey Anita, I'm sorry to bother you-"_ she said as she looked at me from my window seat. I snapped my eyes to her and then shook my head.

_"You aren't bothering me. You could never..."_

_"You're sure?"_

_"Want to go into the Treehouse?"_ I asked gesturing out the window towards the big oak tree. I couldn't help the laugh that left my lips as I watched Ari's face lit up as she stood to her feet. I let her climb out of the window first and then I followed closely behind her.

This was probably the last time that I would be able to do this while pregnant. It suddenly hit me that I would love to bring Isaac up here someday. Maybe during summers once he and the baby were old enough. Maybe I would even move back to Lima someday...crazy right?

I watched Ari closely as she pushed open the door to the treehouse and went straight to the little lamp that hadn't moved since the last time that she had been up here. It was like she had just been there...I hadn't changed a thing.

The treehouse smelled like cherries and smoke. As I got older it had gone from a place to play to a place to get high and hide away. So much had happened in my life since I had last seen Ari. I couldn't help the excitement that vibrated through me as I stood there and watched her move around.

She finally just sat against the far wall, cross legged with her hands in her lap. I set up the pillows along the floor and then sat down against them. We sat down across from each other for the first time in almost seven years and it didn't even feel awkward, it felt right.

_"So tell me how have you been Ari?"_

_"I'm great. I'm about to move to New York on Friday. I'm going to NYU. I had been wondering about you a lot lately and then tonight I went to that funeral with my friends from the neighborhood. I didn't know Ian but my friends did. They know that I'm leaving Lima and that I'm probably not coming back so they asked me to tag along. When Father Newman called out your name, I couldn't believe it and then you walked up there...I just don't know, everything just stopped. My attention was suddenly on you and nothing else mattered. What you said up there was so poignant and just so...right! So Santana! It was hot. I knew then, that you hadn't changed so much, you were still every bit a rebel as you have always been. I just had to see you."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah...sorry if that was a little forward, but you know me. I always go for what I want."_

She leaned closer and took my hand into hers.

The fireworks between us were immediate but then I thought of Britt, I needed to tread lightly, Mami was right.

_"Well you may have just come at the right time for me."  
_

_"Wow...seriously? That's crazy."_ She said, suddenly looking flushed.

I chuckled as I rested my head against the wall and just looked at her. Her lips still had that pout to them and a crease just in the center of her bottom lip. I used to fantasize about kissing her just there. I shook myself from my thoughts and smiled really big.

_"Everything on some level is crazy. Like the fact that while you always get what you want...I always just take it...whenever I want it."_

_"Are you flirting with me Anita?"_

_"Do you want me to be?"_

_"Um..."_

_"So tell me, Arita,"_ I rolled her nickname around my mouth and winked at her, _"What did you come here to get exactly?"_ I cocked an eyebrow and looked sideways at her...waiting for her to realize that I was severely fucking with her.

_"My best friend back."_

_"I never left."  
_

_"Hmmm...I guess not."  
_

_"I missed you."  
_

_"I missed you too. Like crazy!"_ she said as she scooted closer to me. _"Shame its too late for us, huh?"  
_

_"What do you mean? We can be best friends again. We're adults now."  
_

_"Yeah but I'm off to New York."  
_

_"I'm only in Lima for the funeral...I live in New York."_

_"Nah...really? Are you still fucking with me?"_

_"No... I'm serious. It's me, my best friend and my uh...w-wife."_

* * *

I watched Ari's face go pale, drop into a grimace and then she flush red as she tried to hide her reaction but she had always sucked at it. I smiled and then winked at her again. We had always casually flirted but from what I knew, she was straight just like she probably assumed I was until a few seconds ago. She attempted to pull her hand away but instead I held it securely and then brought it to my lips.

When my lips pressed to the back of her hand, she smirked at me.

_"Wow I've missed a lot. So you are married to a woman? Not Ian."_

_"Yea...he and I just made an amazing baby together. I am definitely married to a woman. Her name is Brittany. She's a dancer."_

_"Like me."_

_"Yes...I have always had a thing for dancers."_

_"So you've always had a thing for me?"_

_"I guess I have. That's what Abuela saw all those years ago. I was falling for you and she put a stop to it the best way she could."  
_

_"It didn't stop me from falling for you. I mean when I saw you at church at your quinceanera mass...I still got all nervous and sweaty...kind of like now."  
_

_"And just like then...you can't have me."  
_

_"Yeah. I know..."  
_

_"Sorry."  
_

_"It's no big deal. I didn't come here to molest you or anything."  
_

_"Could have fooled me."  
_

_"So...the babies? How did that happen?"_ she abruptly changed the subject and averted her eyes.

_"Oh yeah...that's an insanely long story."_

I spent the next twenty minutes updating her on the crazy year that I had just had and she listened intently. She was very cautious with her actions as she rubbed my knee in comfort as I sat there replaying the bad times. I felt so broken inside as I sat against the wall with my hands in my lap and I told her how Britt and I were taking a break from each other, the only thing that I kept to myself was the paternity of my second child. I was still holding that bit of info close to my chest.

_"Wow, Anita, that's a lot to deal with."_

_"Yeah but what can I do but suck it up."_

_"Just don't continue to suck it up you deserve better than that."_

_"Now you sound like Ian."_

_"You know what it's good to see that you still have that bad ass courage from when we were kids...it took some serious balls to go up in front of that church and basically tell off the Priest and Ian's mother"_

_"Yeah well...she totally didn't understand him and abused him. I couldn't take it anymore. I just couldn't allow her to spend another moment cutting him down."_

_"She was a bit extreme with the way she was acting. I'm surprised that you didn't deck her."  
_

_"Oh I wanted to...but that would have been pointless. Plus I'm really high risk in this pregnancy. I mean I was just discharged from the hospital this morning. I didn't want to start anything that would have put this little nugget in jeopardy."_ I rubbed my little baby bump and looked up at Ari. She was watching me and squinting.

 _"What are you thinking? You have that constipated look...which means you have to take a shit or you want to ask me something...please don't shit on my floor."_ I smirked when her ears turned bright red.

_"Um...so can we see each other more in the city?"_

_"I would really like that. I've missed you."_

_"I missed you too."_

_"So what are you studying?"_

_"What else? Dance."_

_"Wow...that's a tough program."_

_"Yeah well...what can I say, I'm all sorts of awesome!"_ she smirked and it floored me. I had seen her dance as kids and even back then she was an indomitable force. I will never admit this out loud but Ari could probably out dance my wife by leaps and bounds. Literally.

After I walked Ari out to her car and we exchanged phone numbers, I couldn't help but smile on my face. It was the first time in days that someone other than those immediately surrounding me made me happy. It was the first time that I didn't miss Britt.

* * *

As I closed the door I could feel Quinn's presence before I saw her. I didn't even act like I was shocked or anything because I didn't care.

 _"Geez...why are you such a creeper, Q?"_ I turned around abruptly and could see her leaning against the wall.

"I got Britt to calm down, you're welcome for that." She said, looking annoyed.

_"Thanks, I would have done it myself but-"_

_"Don't lie to me, just tell me who that was, she was crazy hot."_

_"That was Ariana...remember her?"_

_"No...you're fucking kidding, that hot chick was Ari? Wow! Britt would faint!"_

_"Stop right there, Quinnie, it's not like that!"_

_"Not yet! It's really such a shame that we have a flight first thing in the morning."_

_"That's not a problem because she starts at NYU next week."_

_"Oh boy."_

_"What?"_

_"You already don't see that as a problem."_

_"Stop it, Q."_

_"Oh...San...this is so not going to end up well."_

_"I'm not going to sleep with her."_ I said as I pushed my hair back from my face in frustration.

_"Who are you trying to convince?"_

_"Fuck you, I'm going to bed. See you in the morning. Tell Noah, I said good night."_

_"Should I worry?"_

_"About Ari, never."_

* * *

The flight back to the city was long and rough. If I had known that Isaac would spend the entire flight screaming and coughing, I would have endured the 9-hour drive home. He cried like he was in severe pain and it was scaring the shit out of me. I kept rubbing his back and trying to soothe him the best that I could but nothing seemed to be working.

Even Quinn tried to take him but that just made him scream even more. By the time we landed, I was in tears myself but it was more about being relieved that he seemed to calm down. It was like the moment that we were pulling up to the gate, he was fine again. I actually felt really bad when people were giving me rude looks as we headed to find our luggage. Isaac was still wheezing as he breathed against my neck. I felt the tears pooling in my eyes when a few women looked at me with pity.

We went straight from the airport to the hospital. Isaac looked a bit pale and was sweating profusely. I had Quinn check us in and was thankful when she took over and finally asked to see anyone that was available.

It took a while but finally we ended up in the NICU, just where I didn't want to be.

He had pneumonia again.

I cried hard into my hands as I watched them stick my little baby with needles and attached wires to him. It took both Quinn and Sandra, who had shown up the moment Quinn called her, to get me to leave the room and head down to my own doctor's appointment. I had been so wrapped up in Isaac and what he needed that I didn't really give much attention to the fatigue that was rocking me.

Dr. Cabot may not have Doc's sense of humor but she was quick and efficient. She had me laying on the table and my feet up in minutes. She seemed stressed as she finally patted my legs and asked me to sit up.

 _"How bad is it?"_ I asked as I looked into her face. She looked at me with stern expression as she tapped her pen against the clipboard in her lap.

_"I'm putting you on bed rest. Your stitches are strained and you are in danger of bleeding out again. You are moving way too much and you are way too skinny. So I want you to spend this week off your feet and then come in and see me on Saturday, got it?"_

_"Yes, ma'am."_

_"Any questions?"_

_"Yes...is the baby okay?"_

_"Well, other than the stitches, everything looks good. The baby is still hanging in there even though you aren't taking proper care of yourself."_

_"I'm trying."_

_"Try harder."_

_"I will."_

_"I talked to Dr. Ramirez and I agree that you need to put on some weight, she says ten pounds and I say fifteen. So eat whatever you want while you are on bed rest. Doctor's orders. Also I think we need to up your prenatal vitamins and calcium."_

_"Okay, whatever you think is best."_

The doctors wanted to keep Isaac for a few days to rehabilitate his lungs. Apparently, we had caught the pneumonia early this time, which was a good sign. I was so angry at the world and at myself for being such an idiot. He was suffering because of me and it made me feel pitiful. I wanted so badly to stay with him but Sandra urged me to go home and get some rest.

* * *

Walking into my house without B and Isaac made me feel dead inside. Sandra dropped me off and then went to pick up her husband from the airport. Quinn had gone off for a meet and greet at Columbia and then planned on going to see Rachel. I told her that she was stupid but she insisted that it was just to talk and that she would be home later. I sat in bed feeling lonely so I called the one person that is supposed to help with all of that but who had better things to do.

I was angry that it had come down to this.

 _"Hey Ana!"_ she said all excited like, as if we were on good terms.

_"Hey B. How are things in LA?"_

_"Good, really busy. Sorry about last night, you can be as mad as you need to be."_

_"Thank you."_

_"What are you up to?"_

_"Nothing. I just wanted to check on you. I'm home now just so you know."_

_"Oh okay. Well I'm good."_

_"Great...um...I'll let you go...have a good time."_ I felt the tears choking me into submission and so I tried to rush her off the phone.

 _"Whoa! Santana! Wait!"_ I heard her yell as I took the phone from my ear. I hate when she calls me that. Get it together Lopez. She is just your wife...even if she doesn't act like it.

_"Yes?"_

_"So...how is Isaac?"_

_"Um...he's in the hospital. Pneumonia again."_

_"Shit. Oh no! It's really bad?"_

_"No, it's not as bad as last time but they are going to keep him for a few days."_

_"Wow. I wish I was there with him. Are you there?"_

_"I told you already, I'm home."_

_"Uh...why? Its like noon there. I'm surprised you aren't with him."_

_"It's no big deal. Don't worry. Go back to you're busy schedule. Have fun!"_ I hung up before she could respond and almost immediately got a text.

**_Y r u shutting me out?-B_ **

**_Tired. Taking a nap. I'll talk to you later.-S_ **

**_Ur on bed rst?-B_ **

**_Q told you?-S_ **

**_Yes. Y didn't u tll me?-B_ **

**_Pointless. You can't do anything from there. No worries I'm fine, Isaac will be fine. Just dance.-S_ **

**_Do u wnt me 2 cum hme?-B_ **

**_No.-S_ **

**_R U sure?-B_ **

**_Yes. I'm going to bed now.-S_ **

**_K. Luv u!-B_ **

**_Night.-S_ **

* * *

It had been hours since I had gotten home and I was completely shutting down but then something was hitting the window of my room.

When I looked outside, I saw a familiar black SUV.

I grabbed my phone and saw that it wasn't just Britt that I was ignoring.

**_We have a key but it's supposed to be for emergencies. Is this one?-Nico_ **

**_Open the door.-Carmen_ **

I opened the window and leaned out.

 _"Hey."_ I called down.

 _"Santi, my love. I brought you food."_ Nico yelled up to me and then there was Carmen leaning against the big truck, her belly sticking out bigger than mine ever had.

She was the picture of a healthy pregnancy. She was definite goals.

_"Use your key, Nico. I'm on bedrest."_

He looked back at Carmen and then nodded.

I waited for them to come in the house before slamming the window closed and then straightening the room a bit.

There was a knock on my room door as I climbed back into bed and tucked the covers around myself.

_"Come in!"_

Seeing Carmen up close for the first time since she and Nico dropped us off at the airport a few months ago made me so happy. She crawled into the bed with me and pulled me into her arms.

_"Where's Nico?"_

_"He's putting your stuff on a plate, he'll be up in a second."_

_"Isaac is in the hospital, he has pneumonia."_ I felt the tears come and then she was pulling me against her and allowing me to breakdown. She held me while I cried against her, running her fingers through my hair and mumbling sweet little things to me. _"I just want to be happy, you know. It's like everyone sucks and I'm just trying to not let it rub off on me. I can't be sober and have to deal with everyone being idiotic. You know?"_ I sobbed and she just held me tighter.

There was another knock and then Nico was peaking his head in.

I was so fucking happy to see him that I burst into tears even more.

"That's what a guy likes to see!" He joked and I laughed so hard.

Carmen and Nico stuck around while I ate and updated them on the situation with this baby. Nico thought it was wise that I keep the kid as far away from Marco as possible and I agreed. Having Carmen visit me and talk me through my sadness was almost as good as a meeting. I was so content when they left that I was able to fall asleep.

All was well until I started choke hard enough to wake me up. My face was in a puddle of my own stomach bile and it made my whole stomach flip but I was able to make it to the bathroom. Nothing came up though and I was tempted to shove my fingers down my throat but then I thought about the baby.

I thought of how bad I wanted it and I just decided that I would shower instead. I had never been in the house completely alone and was totally freaked out by how hollow it felt. I was tired and strained as I locked the bathroom door and then attempted a quick shower.

I began to get that woozy feeling again and immediately stepped out the shower feeling like if I passed out that I should be in bed and not on any hard surfaces. I didn't feel any pain but I immediately began to vomit as I leaned over the toilet. I hadn't even had time to kneel so it was splattering on the seat.

Great!

My head was throbbing and I felt so tired as I pulled myself up, to brush my teeth. The tears kept coming and I refused to acknowledge them for fear I'd choke on the toothpaste. Thankfully after getting sick, my body felt semi normal and I was able to make it back to my bedroom without any problems. I pulled my huge t shirt back on and then collapsed onto the bed feeling heavy and gross still. I felt exhausted.

I woke up a little while later in a room that was filled with darkness, lit only by the street lights. I was still tired but this time, I felt like my body was made of led and I couldn't move. I was gazing out the window as I waited for my brain and body to sync up but I just felt so exhausted.

My face was soaked again and I realized that I was lying in a pool of my own vomit and sweat. The sheets were drenched again and I didn't have the energy to do anything about it. The sight of the vomit made me nauseous but I had to get up. I had to clean it up, I couldn't just lie in my own vomit like an animal.

So I laid there trying to get my heavy limbs to work.

Only they wouldn't.

* * *

_"San?"_

I was filled with relief when I heard Q as she climbed up the steps. I finally managed to stumble from the bed but when I attempted to stand up I felt sick again. I sat there on the edge of the bed, feeling the tears drip down my face. I was gripping the edge of the bed so hard that my knuckles were turning white. I felt dizzy as I tried to raise up my head and felt like maybe I just needed to lie back down. I was debating my next move as the door creaked open and when I felt her eyes on me, I immediately began sobbing.

_"San, sweetie, what happened?"_

I looked up at her and shook my head. I had no words. What was I supposed to say? She turned the light on and walked over to me and rested the back of her hand against my forehead.

 _"I'm here now okay?"_ I nodded my head but kept my eyes towards the floor. _"Can you stand?"_

I shrugged my shoulders as I reached a hand out and clasped onto hers. She slowly helped me to my feet but then a pain shot up my back and my knees buckled. I hung onto her hand so that I didn't crash into the floor. I thanked God and Sue for making Quinn strong enough to hoist me back to my feet and hold me there.

 _"Okay...let's stay calm...okay? We need to get you to a hospital."_ I shook my head as I cried harder against her.

_"No. I just need to eat again, I was fine after I ate earlier, just let me eat and I'll be fine."_

_"Sweetie you're bleeding again. Let me get you to the hospital."_

_"I-I-I..."_ I dissolved into tears again.

 _"Sweetie you have to calm down."_ I nodded and allowed her to help me to my feet. _"When was the last time you were able to keep food down?"_

_"After the funeral back in Lima."_

_"San that was over 24 hours ago!"_

_"I know. I can't help it."_

Quinn helped me down the stairs and then covered the backseat of my car with towels. She was doing everything that she could to maintain her composure but I could tell that she was freaking out inside. She seemed to be a little more calm than she had before because the bleeding wasn't as bad as last time but she was still being incredibly cautious. I got dizzy and I knew that I was going to pass out.

 _"Q?"_ I whispered as the car started moving.

_"Yes, San?"_

_"Don't call Britt."_ I whispered and then everything went black.

I suck at being pregnant.

I am just horrible at taking care of myself.

I'm destructive and careless.

I'm a bad mother.

I'm a bad friend.

I'm a horrible wife.

I should be dead instead of Ian.

My fault.

My fault.

These are the things that were circulating in my mind as I was stuck in the darkness. I felt lower than I had ever felt before and despite being so sure that most of those things weren't true, I still allowed my negative thoughts to surround me. I just needed one thing.

It's what I always needed.

Not to be alone.

* * *

I expected to wake up in the hospital but crazy the thing about the city is that this kind of thing is common and therefore I wasn't admitted. They sewed me back up and then I was sent on my way and even though I was unconscious they didn't bother to wait for me to wake up. So, when I woke up, it startled me to be face to face with my older sister who looked insanely worried and kind of pissed.

 _"Good you're awake!"_ she said bitterly.

_"Hey Sandra."_

_"Enough is enough. I'm putting my foot down...you are staying here until Brittany comes back home."_ It was then that I realized that I wasn't in my own bedroom but in a bedroom at my sister's house in Westchester, New York.

_"And if she doesn't come back?"_

_"That's not an option."_

_"Whatever San, you don't know Britt like I do, she is going to do what's best her first, before anyone else. So just take me home."_

_"Fuck that. Listen to me Santana, you are staying here. You and Isaac. I'm going to personally make sure you eat every meal, every day and I'm going to make sure that you rest. I don't like seeing you like this. Isaac has already lost Ian don't you leave him too."_

_"Alright...okay. I'll do whatever you want. As long as you stop staring at me like that."_ she broke out in a smile and slapped my shoulder.

_"Good. Your common sense is back. Now I have someone that wants to talk to you."_

I nodded and tried to get up out of the bed but Sandra pushed my shoulders backwards until I was sitting up against the headboard.

_"Stay here!"_

I sat back and simply nodded. Sandra's anger was less humorous when I was sober and I really didn't want to piss her off.

The door opened and I heard a bunch of laughter and then Britt entered carrying a tray of food. Sandra closed the door behind her and I just sat there and looked at my wife. Feelings of anger and bitterness coursed through my veins as I looked at her coupled with a sense of joy that I hadn't felt in a while.

Damn my conflicting emotions.

I was really starting to resent her timing!

I missed her.

She was smiling at me but I couldn't bring myself to smile back. She was the last person I wanted to see but that was becoming for us because her smile didn't fade this time, instead she walked closer to me and dropped a kiss on my head. She wasn't going to let my walls get in her way...she was going to dismantle them piece by piece whether I liked it or not.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow...that took way too long to get through. Thank you for the reviews and adds and faves. I appreciate every comment and critique. Tell me what you think!


	9. Back Again (Parachute)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I miss her, guys. How are you doing out there?-NR

There was a war rumbling around in my mind. I was on strict bed-rest now, which meant that I absolutely needed my village now, even if I would rather handle things on my own. My biggest issue though was that the head honcho of my village was supposed to be Britt but she was being ridiculously unreliable these days. Every single time I got it in my mind that I was going to do this alone, she'd show up and act like she never left. This cycle that we kept going through was making me insane. Now, here she was, not on tour but standing in my sister's guest room in New York looking at me like I was all that mattered.

Only, I knew now that I wasn't all that mattered. She needed something that I couldn't give her and I was starting to understand just how frustrating loving me must have been for Marco and Ian. I could never give them what they wanted because what I needed was non-negotiable.

So now, I was just trying to meet her where she was but it was so fucking hard, for someone with such amazing physical timing, her emotional timing was way off the mark.

 _"What time is it?"_ I asked her, as if this was any other moment.

 _"It's..."_ She cleared her throat and then looked apologetic when I curled my lip at the sound. _"It's 12:30, Quinn took you back to the house last night and you kept crying out for me but because I wasn't there, she called Sandra who made Q bring you here and once Sandra had you in her arms you slept all night. Until now."_

_"Quinn called you?"_

She turned pink.

_"No, Sandra did, then Celia did, then Damariz and Brenda showed up at my hotel and rode with me to the airport last night. I cleaned up at home and I came here a little while ago."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah, so here I am. I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner."_ She said, still holding the tray and looking like she was waiting for the floor to wake up.

Britt placed the tray on the bed beside me and then leaned in to kiss me but I quickly turned my head so that her lips landed on my cheek instead. She pulled back as if she had been stung and looked at me with hurt in her eyes. I just crossed my hands over my chest and glared at her. I wasn't falling for the sweet Britt Britt act that she was trying to put on. I could tell that while she may have gone home, the way she smelled like someone else and was sporting a fresh hickey on her neck told me that she wasn't as innocent as she tried to be.

She walked around the bed and climbed in next to me so that the tray was between us, she picked up the tray so that it balanced on her outstretched legs and then took my hand in hers, playing with my ring finger before bringing it up to her lips and kissing my wedding band.

Ironic, doesn't begin to cover how I felt.

I felt so angry and sad but I didn't think that I could ever show that part myself in front of her ever again. Not after she came back to me so blatantly disrespectful...what's worse, what I didn't even want to delve into considering is that she stopped somewhere in the city on the way up to Sandra's. The smell on her was just way too strong for a five hour flight and a whole night at home.

My soul hurt.

I rested my newly pounding head back against the headboard and closed my eyes. She held onto my hand and periodically kept bringing it to her lips. My head hurt so badly from all the tears that I was holding in. I felt like she was torturing me.

 _"What are you doing here Brittany?"_ I sighed finally tired of the kisses so I yanked my hand back into my own lap.

 _"I've come back home for you."_ For me. Not because she wanted to but for me.

_"Yea? For how long?"_

_"Forever."_

_"Yea right...until you need another break in a year or so."_

_"Breaks are stupid."_ she muttered.

_"What?"_

My heart began to speed up as I turned to look at her. She was looking down into her lap and was pulling the crusts off a sandwich and eating them. That comment was kind of like a big deal to me and she didn't even think twice about saying it.

 _"Yeah so...let's eat?"_ she said as she handed my the crust free half of the sandwich and then smiled at me and pointed down at the plate on my lap. _"I took the crusts off...I know how you hate them."_

I picked up the sandwich and took a small bite. This had been my first meal since the waffles Nico had brought me, so I didn't want to go too quickly and make myself sick. After I swallowed, my stomach made a huge growling noise. Britt smiled and leaned in again kissing my cheek. I felt the anger boil up in me when I got a whiff of that scent again and put down my sandwich.

_"Why do you do this to me, Brittany? You are so confusing with the back and forth. Every time you have me feeling like things are perfect you tell me that you aren't happy. Every time I get my heart to a good place you come and bulldoze right through it."_

Her ears got red and she pulled her lip between her teeth and nibbled on it. I was looking at the side of her face as she kept her eyes down on her half of the sandwich.

 _"I guess that I got greedy. I was so jealous of what you had with Ian that I went chasing Frankie and you know what, she finally had enough of it too. I was selfish and I'm really sorry."_ she began to pout as she raised her watery eyes to look into my cold ones.

I was so hurt by her abandoning me that even her pout, which normally would melt me into submission, didn't faze me. I was beyond that part of our relationship. Ari was right. I didn't deserve to be jerked around like this. I was too good for it, I knew it and I was pretty sure that Britt knew it too.

But that hadn't stopped her before.

* * *

We sat in silence after I essentially ignored her apology. I didn't believe her, I didn't trust her and she still didn't give me a reason to even begin to drop my walls again.

I finished off my half of the sandwich and still felt hungry. I looked over at her moving hands and saw that Britt was picking the crusts off the other half of another sandwich. I tried to look away but she had seen me staring. I looked up at her and could see her smirk as she ripped off the last piece of crust. She finally looked up at me and tried to lean in again for a kiss but I shook my head and leaned away from her. I could still smell it on her face.

While I knew that she was trying to fix things in her own way, I needed more than that, I needed to know she was actually serious and so far showing up smelling like sex wasn't a good start. I watched how she pulled her lip between her teeth before handing the sandwich to me. She was nervous and probably could tell that I knew that she had come to me after fucking someone else.

I took the sandwich and took a big bite of it. I closed my eyes and rested back against the headboard as I savored the food. I was much hungrier than I realized. How had I forgotten?

Britt sighed and tried to grab at my hand again but I snatched it away and put it on my sandwich.

I didn't really want her to touch me.

_"Are you ever going to forgive me?"_

_"I need more time."_ I said as I swallowed down my last bite. I was rubbing my fingers together over my plate trying to free them of the crumbs. I couldn't bring myself to look at her.

 _"Um...okay but you should know that I'm not going to give up."_ she muttered as she grabbed at my hand again. I snatched it back and then turned to look her in the eyes.

_"Did you fuck anyone while you were out there for two days?"_

Her cheeks flushed pink as she looked away from me and nodded. _"Yeah."_

My heart dropped but I wasn't backing down.

 _"And you fucked someone on the way here didn't you?"_ My tone was bitter and harsh but I needed to know.

_"Y-yes."_

_"What the fuck, Brittany! When? How?"_ I was too afraid to ask who.

_"Well, we um met up last night and she kept me company, so I wouldn't get lonely."_

_"Lonely? For a few fucking hours, do you know how lonely I am, all the fucking time? Do you even care?"_ I was crying now as I looked in her eyes and could see that my hurt was getting to her for once.

_"I do, I'm sorry. I promise you!"_

I felt a heaviness rest on my shoulders and I didn't think that I could deal with it. I finished off my sandwich and then rested my head back again. The throbbing pain was now moving down from my shoulders to my back. I knew that I needed to calm myself so I placed my hands on my baby bump. I smiled to myself when I noticed how it had popped out even more. I now looked pregnant, there was no denying it.

It was a moment of peace wrapped in chaos. As I sat there smiling I almost forgot that Britt was still sitting there beside me until I felt her nudge me. I opened my eyes and turned my head ready to snap at her. Was she really nudging me? I was glaring until I saw that she had peeled a banana and was handing it to me.

I took it, well snatched it and then returned to my position, one hand remaining on my stomach. I kept my eyes closed as I slowly chewed the sweet fruit and tried my best to ignore my wife. Of course she wasn't going to allow that, as always she was making things about her.

* * *

_"Ana?"_

_"Who did you fuck, B?"  
_

_"It was Frankie, while I was in California...she...she didn't want to but I pressured her into it."_

_"Hmmmm...why would you do that?"_ I whispered between bites...thinking back to my conversation with Frankie a few days before.

_"I wanted to feel the excitement, the risk. I was chasing the thrill of it but I realized how much I would just rather be home with you. After it was over and she kicked me out of her apartment, I wandered the streets and did some serious thinking. I realized how selfish I've been."_

_"I see."_ I said as I handed the banana peel back without opening my eyes. Her touch brushed my fingers as she took the banana peel away and I noticed that I didn't feel our normal spark. I just felt really angry with her. _"Who was it in New York?"_

_"It doesn't matter."_

_"It does."_

_"Well, it shouldn't matter."_

_"But it fucking does, Brittany. So who is she?"_

_"Rachel."_

My eyes snapped open as I looked at her, wide eyed. Before I knew it I was recoiling from her touch and pushing from the bed, past the pain and onto my feet.

 _"Are you fucking kidding me, right now? Is this what happened, when Quinn came to Lima with me? Did you fuck her in our house too?"_ I screamed.

_"Yes."_

_"Where in the house?"_ My voice was strained as the pain was tearing through my body.

_"Come back to bed, Ana."_

_"NO!"_ I screamed at her.

_"Please?"_

_"Tell me first."_ I growled out.

_"Our bed."_

I dropped down to my knees and wept into the bed as my head rested on the edge. The sound of my own sobs were loud and harsh as I rained down punches on the mattress. The knife in my chest was twisting and turning something terrible.

This was just too much.

When I lifted up my head, tears and snot on my face, she looked nearly tomato red as she watched me break.

 _"How can you claim to love me, Britt? How could you do this to me, you smell like her, did you know?"_ Britt's eyes went wide with shock. _"You always forget, after you go down on me, you always brush your teeth but you forget to wash your face. This is not how you treat the woman you love."_ I said, feeling all of my tears suddenly stop and my sadness turn to a coldness that scared me. I just knelt there looking at her as she bit hard on her lip. We were having a stare off and then I looked away from her as pain made me curl up. _"Fuck."_ I groaned.

 _"I do love you Ana. Please let me help you, okay?"_ she whispered to me as she came around the bed and slowly helped me back up onto it. Once I was back in my original position she tried to rub my arms but I slapped her hands away. She sighed and walked back around and climbed in. How was it possible that she was making me feel sorry for her?

 _"What did I ever do to deserve this?"_ I whispered with my eyes closed.

_"It's not about you."_

_"Then what is it about?"_

_"I wish I knew."_

_"Me too."_

_"I know you're mad but I won't leave until I know you aren't sick too. You'll need all your energy if you're gonna be pissed."_

_"How nice of you."_ I muttered as I sat there playing with my fingers as she leaned over and placed a glass in my hand. I drank the glass of water down in three long gulps, I was insanely thirsty. When I handed the glass back and looked down at the tray hoping that there was something else. Britt lifted the napkin and under it was another sandwich.

 _"Do you want it?"_ she asked as she began to pull the crusts off for me. I nodded as I waited anxiously, both for the food and for an answer to my question. She handed me the sandwich and then got up from the bed. _"I'm going to get you some more water. I'll be right back okay?"_

I nodded and continued to eat my sandwich, happy to be alone again even if it was just for a moment. I hadn't realized just how hungry I was. I ate this sandwich much slower though and tried to better savor it without the anxiety of Britt's confessions. I didn't want to overwhelm my stomach or my body and get sick again.

* * *

Britt returned with another glass of water and a pack of cookies. I smiled and she smiled back but I wasn't smiling at her so when I saw her smiling back at me I scowled and looked away.

 _"Do you want the other half of the sandwich?"_ she asked me as she brought the tray back onto her lap.

 _"Yes."_ I said as I swallowed the last of the first half. She began to rip at the crusts looking more and more frustrated as she went along. She handed me the sandwich and then opened the pack of cookies and bit into one.

_"I don't have a reason why I cheat. It just keeps my mind off of other things."_

_"What other things?"_

_"Uh...the stress of life...I guess."_

She was lying.

 _"I don't trust you anymore."_ I whispered softly as I polished off the second half of the sandwich, finally feeling satisfied. I had rushed through it in anticipation of a cookie.

 _"I know the feeling."_ She said.

_"What?"_

_"It's been hard to trust you since you got pregnant with Izzy and then when you took drugs then lied about it over and over again. Then you got pregnant by Marco. You don't trust me and I don't really trust you."_

_"Then why are we doing this, Britt?"_

_"Because you're my wife and I made a vow."_

_"The fuck do your vows even mean anymore? I'm nothing but a fucking burden to you. I don't trust you, you don't trust me and right now, I don't even like you, Brittany."_

_"Do you still love me though?"_

_"Always and only you B."_ I said a bit louder. I could see that her hands were shaking. Even though I was hurting I couldn't bear to see Britt hurting, I never could. I was still insanely angry with her as I reached my hand out and linked my pinky with hers but I couldn't help but comfort her.

 _"I'm really really sorry, baby."_ she said as she looked at me with angry, sad eyes.

 _"B you keep saying that but you keep doing it. I fucked Marco while you were fucking Frankie, that doesn't count. I fucked Ian, after you told me too. Never have I ever gone off and done it, just for the fuck of it."_ I said rubbing my baby bump. _"Can you say the same?"_

_"No."_

_"Even if I forgave you for Frankie, Rachel crosses a line. I can't just forgive that. The way we have been existing just can't fly anymore. I need a real relationship."_

_"We have one."_

_"No, we don't, not with you needing to fuck around."_

_"I don't need it."_

_"Britt, you have been doing it since before our wedding day, shit on our wedding day! This marriage isn't working. I just don't want to do it anymore, Brittany."_

_"What?"_ she squeaked out. I pulled the rings off my left hand and handed them to her.

_"Those rings don't mean shit anymore at least not to me."_

She sat there staring at me with her palm clenched around my wedding rings. I reached over and pulled her ring off her finger and placed it on the nightstand beside me. If she wanted to act single then I would make it easier for her but there was no way that she could continue to wear my ring and go fuck someone else...especially RuPaul.

 _"I-I don't want a divorce Ana. Please? I love you!"_ she took the tray and put it on her nightstand and then turned to me with tears in her eyes. _"Please don't end this."_ she begged with sad eyes.

_"I just can't do this B. My heart can't take it anymore. You're making me sick, you come to me and want to fix stuff and you reek of sex with Rachel fucking Berry of all people. I can't believe you would even do that to me. That's just so fucked up. I can't allow you to keep walking all over my heart. I deserve better."_

_"What about Izzy? What about the baby?"_

_"We aren't going anywhere. Your family has never left you Brittany...that's your job apparently."_ I laughed. _"And just because I am done with this marriage doesn't mean I want to stop being friends or co-parents...it's just that marriage means a lot to me and we entered into it lightly and it's killing me. I can't be married to you. I can't let you trash our vows. I fucked up and you fucked up. I stopped and you keep fucking going. You have a problem and I can't deal with it, not now."_

_"Wait? So we are just done."_

_"Yes."_

_"But you want to be friends."_

_"Yes."_

_"But no more sexy times."_

_"No, definitely not. We need to learn to be friends again too. I just want to_ _make it through this pregnancy safely and if I have to waste my time and energy wondering who you are off fucking...God...I just don't want this anymore."_ I said looking into her eyes for the first time since I handed her my rings.

She shook her head and then tried to lean in and kiss me again. I pulled away and pushed her backwards.

_"No more kisses."_

_"But you kiss Quinn all the time."_

_"She hasn't fucking betrayed me, has she?"_

" _I want to start over with you."_

_"That is not in the equation. I want you to be by my side always but I need time before I can be close to you. I can't let you touch me like that until I can trust that I'm the only one that you are loving up on."_

She looked defeated as she leaned back against the headboard and stared off.

_"So what now?"_

_"Now, you can stick around and be my friend or you can go back to the tour. I'm done with there being an us, at least for now."_

_"Will you leave a window open for me?"_

_"I don't know, B. I barely want you in this bed with me."_

_"Do you want me to go?"_

_"We both know if you leave right now, my sisters are going to hound you. So you can stay a while longer, at least until I fall asleep."_

_"Okay, thank you."_

* * *

Once I had eaten, cried, and used the bathroom, I felt tired again. Britt laid on her side when I came back from the bathroom, she lay waiting for me. She patted the bed in front of her with a gentle fucking smile. I still swoon, every damn time but I had to stick to my guns.

_"I know you don't want an us but will you let me hold you until you fall asleep?"_

I hesitated but then let out a sigh, because I knew that Britt holding me was a sure fire way to actually get some much needed rest.

So I crawled under the covers and then pulled her arm around me. I wanted to cry when she rested her chin on my shoulder and began to hum Landslide in my ear.

The tears eventually came and with them, heavy eyelids and a dreamless sleep.

My sleep wasn't filled with sadness or guilt, just happy moments with Isaac.

I tried to hold onto my dreams for as long as I could but my bladder woke me and I had to shuffle out of the bed to make it in time.

When I got back to the room, Britt was gone and there Quinn was sitting there in the rocking chair, reading Ian's journal. I looked up at her and cracked a smile.

_"You are so nosy, Q."_

_"Yea...I know."_

_"What's wrong?"_ I said as I sat up.

 _"Did she tell you about Rachel."_ my jaw dropped before I snapped it shut again.

_"You knew?"_

_"I found out right before I got home last night, I was in a rage but then I found you like that and you were more important. Rachel told me herself and I ran straight home to tell you. So I called Sandra and told her everything about Britt because you told me not to call B, I knew that Sandra would handle it. Sure enough, she made sure B got her ass back here by telling her that she owed you that much."_

_"Well they fucked again before Britt got here."_

_"That's beyond trash."_

_"I know._ _Thanks for having my back."_

_"It makes me sick, San, all of it."_

_"I'm sorry Q."_

_"No...this wasn't your fault besides, I've moved on."_

_"Good. You deserve the best."_

_"So do you."_

_"I just don't get how she could do this."_

_"Something is off with her San...is she taking her meds still?"_

_"I don't know...I'm starting to think that she stopped again."_

_"Well she needs to get back on them because she is on the verge of losing everything and everyone."_

_"I gave my rings back."_

_"Good."_

* * *

**_Hey Anita :)-Ari_ **

**_Hi!:)-Ana_ **

**_How is the city?-Ari_ **

**_Ugh! On bed rest...it's beautiful outside and I'm stuck inside.-Ana_ **

**_Well that sucks ass! How long is your imprisonment?-Ari_ **

**_A week.-Ana_ **

**_Perfect! I should be there by then. Want to go to church and lunch with me when I get there?-Ari_ **

**_I haven't gone to church here yet...don't tell my Abuela ;)-Ana_ **

**_That's okay, we can fix that. When we toured campus Papi made sure to scope out the area churches. I know just the place or places! I have a list! So what do you say?-Ari_ **

**_Ummmm-Ana_ **

**_Come on...please?:(-Ari_ **

**_Okay. Text me the address of the church and I'll meet you there.-Ana_ **

**_Yes! :)-Ari_ **

_"How are you going to explain that to Britt?"_ Quinn had apparently been reading over my shoulder as we laid on the bed watching a movie.

 _"What's to explain? Church and lunch. No big deal besides, I'm single."_ I rolled onto my back and looked up at her. She was now hovering with her head rested on her arm and rubbing my little belly.

_"So, you'll tell B then?"_

_"What? No. She doesn't like church she says it's boring and too hard to follow, besides we are done."_

_"You're not. I don't think that's possible. Even though she lied, you should still tell her."_

_"Why?"  
_

_"Because if you want to build trust then you both have to be honest, you have a kid together, you need to get along."  
_

_"You have a point."  
_

_"Don't I always?"_

* * *

Quinn spent the night holding me as I cried over everything and then the tremors started.

 _"San?"_ She whispered to me as she held me tight.

_"Hmm?"_

_"You need to sit up, I think you're gonna be sick."_

I groaned and sat up and sure enough, whatever was in the back of my throat pushed forward. Quinn shoved a trashcan in my lap and I vomited into it, feeling feverish.

 _"How'd you know?"_ I said, after five minutes of being Linda Blair.

_"You were gagging."_

_"Oh."_

_"Do you want me to get B?"_

_"No."_

_"Do you want me to prop you up and grab you some mouthwash?"_

_"Yes."_

Once I was awake, it was hard to fall back into a restful sleep. Quinn tried her best to hold me but eventually, I had enough of the body heat that she gave off and poked at her face until she was awake.

Her eyes were staring into mine with annoyance.

_"What?"_

_"I can't sleep."_

_"Of course not."_

_"What's that mean?"_ I pouted.

_"You've been in this bed for nearly 20 hours, of course you feel awake."_

_"Where's B?"_

_"Sandra sent her to the guest house."_

_"Oh."_

_"Do you want me to get her?"_

_I shrugged._

_"I dunno."_ I mumbled.

_"Just say the word, I could go sleep in the next room with your sister. At least in there I can sleep naked."_

_"Eww."_

_"Do you want me to get, B or not?"_

_"Can you and tell her to bring ice cream."_

_"Okay."_

Once Quinn was gone, I spread out on the bed and passed out.

Whoops.

When I woke up, it was still dark outside and I was sleeping in the center of the bed stretched out. I felt a burst of energy and hunger at the same time. When I slid out of the bed, I tripped and fell forward but was caught by strong hands before I could complete my fall.

 _"Okay?"_ Britt mumbled.

 _"Yeah, thanks."_ I pushed up off of her body and left her there.

She'd come for me when Quinn asked her to and it made me feel just a little better.

Was that too much to ask for?

* * *

Even though we weren't together and things were awkward between us, the next morning I asked Britt to take me home. Sandra hovered as I got dressed but wouldn't say that she didn't want me to leave.

Until Britt went to turn on the car and turn the air on so that I didn't get car sick.

Once we were alone, she finally broke.

_"You should just stay...I would feel better knowing that you're here."_

_"I know, sis, but I just want to be at home in my own bed."_

_"Even though she fucked another girl in it?"_

_"Okay, no, obviously I'll be getting another bed ordered or sleeping in one of the others in the house. I don't care where I sleep in the house, I just want to be home. I haven't been to a meeting in over a week and I really could use one."_

Once I played the recovering addict card, I knew that she would buckle and I was right.

_"Fine but I reserve the right to check in on you when I'm in the city."_

_"That's fine."_

_"And you know that if at any time she gets funny or you feel stir crazy, just let me know and I'll send a car. Don't try to do things on your own in your condition. Promise me."_

I wanted to roll my eyes and brush her off but I knew better, the way that Britt gets, it was very likely that things could go south. In Lima, I always wanted to be able to turn to someone other than Q and now here it was. My sister was going to be my saving grace, she was hitching her wagon to mine and I wouldn't turn that down.

The front door opened and Britt came in with her eyes on her phone screen, I felt annoyed almost immediately but I couldn't let that show in front of my sister, so I put on my best smile and nodded.

_"I promise, sis. Thank you for having us. I love you."_

She pulled me into a tight hug and kissed my face. _"I love you too. Cuidate."_

When we were in the car, Britt's whole demeanor changed. She seemed super happy now, I loved her like this.

_"So, do you want to stop anywhere before we go home?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Where to?"_

_"Nico's."_

She got pale and glanced over at me.

_"You still talk to him?"_

_"Of course I do, I saw him two days ago."_

_"You did?"_

_"Yup, in fact, Carmen asked to be my sponsor and I said yes."_

_Suddenly she seemed nervous, I guess faced with Nico after everything when she promised him that she'd take care of me, was the last thing that she wanted._

_"That's um...that's great."_

_"What's wrong, B?"_

_"Nothing."_

_"Don't lie."_

_"I um...it's just I can't be myself around your people. I feel like this there's always a microscope on me."_

_"But you like Nico."_

_"I did, now though after everything I feel like he's going to want to have a serious talk. Especially after you've probably told Carmen everything."_

_"Look, Nico isn't my sisters. They don't give a fuck if I tell them to back off but Nico is different, if I tell him to back off he will listen."_

_"But that's just it, you shouldn't have to tell anyone. I'm your wife."_

_"For now."_

She went silent but I could tell by the change in her breathing that she was crying.

And frankly, my dear, I did not give a fuck.

* * *

 _"Santi, my love!"_ Nico called out from behind the counter when he saw me. _"Carmen! Your girl is here!"_ He called to the back.

Nico came from behind the counter and sat us in my favorite booth. He was shook Britt's hand like she was a man and they shared a look that I wasn't familiar with. Then he went and grabbed us drinks. When he was gone, I turned towards Britt and let out the deep sigh that I was holding in the whole car ride.

 _"When we get home, I'm going to be staying in the guest room downstairs, that way I will be close to the bathroom and the kitchen...tell me you didn't have sex in there."_ She looked at me in shock and God help me, each time she did I got madder. _"Well, did you?"_

_"No. Just in our bed."_

_"Okay, well, I'm going to stay downstairs. I think that's the best for both of us."_

_"You don't want me with you?"_

_"No, B. At my sisters, it was okay but in that house, knowing that you fucked Rachel Berry...I won't be able to rest. So you can stay in your little love nest and I'll stay downstairs."_

Britt had tears in her eyes when Carmen dropped into the booth across from us.

_"Hey ladies, uh oh, what am I interrupting?"_

_"Nothing, Carmen."_

_"Say less, not my business. I thought you were on bed rest?"_

_"I am. We are just getting into the city, I was hungry and I wanted to see you. I can't sit through meetings and I was hoping you could stop by this week when you have time."_

_"Sure! I'd love that. Nico won't let me work so I'm bored. I can stop by."_

_"Thank you, nothing crazy, just time and maybe you can bring me waffles?"_ I grinned at her and she nodded.

_"Do you want some now?"_

_"Yes!"_

_"You got it. Britt, anything?"_

Brittany shrugged and looked out the window away from us both.

_"Can you just bring her a short stack with whipped cream?"_

_"I'll tell Nico, you know if I serve anyone, he loses his shit."_

_"Don't piss him off then."_

Carmen looked at us both and then groaned as she got up. Her belly looking beautiful. Before she left, I stood up and pulled her into a tight hug.

She put her lips next to my ear and whispered just in case.

_"If she gets out of hand, say the word."_

_"Calmate."_ I said and she nodded.

 _"Sit down and kiss up on your woman, I'll send the new girl your way."_ She said cheerfully before leaving us.

Once I was sitting next to B, she looked at me with heat in her eyes.

_"What did she say to you?"_

_"Keep my nose clean."_ I said, the lie rolling so easily off my lips that Britt's super lie detection didn't catch it.

_"I agree."_

_"Me too, B."_

* * *

By the time that we got home, I was nearly catatonic. Britt seemed to be on a mission to keep me happy, so instead of making a big stink about me insisting on being in the downstairs bedroom, she went up to our bathroom and brought down all of my toiletries while I stripped down to nothing and headed into the bathroom.

I was putting up my hair when Britt came into the bathroom with my body wash and loofa. I gave her a tight smile and then turned towards the shower way too fast and had to reach out for something to grab when I got dizzy. She stood behind me and wrapped an arm around my waist. For only a moment, I rested back against her body until the dizziness passed. I straightened up and went to pull away but she kissed the side of my face and held tight.

_"Please let me help you. I'll be good, I promise."_

_"I don't know, B."_

_"You aren't supposed to be on your feet for long and you are getting dizzy a lot. What if you pass out in the shower or strain yourself?"_

_"Fine but none of this cuddling shit, just you helping me like I'm your Nonna. Okay?"_

When I stepped into the shower, I could see that her face was screwed up. She was trying not to laugh.

_"You are way too sexy to be my Nonna."_

_"Keep talking like that and I won't let you help me, I swear."_

_"Fine, fine."_

Britt held my hand as I stood in the shower and then washed everything below my belly button since I couldn't reach. She kept staring at my growing boobs and I knew for a fact she wanted to squeeze them. No one was more attracted to a pregnant woman in the world, I'm convinced.

Once I was clean, she wrapped me in a towel, swallowed me in a hug and waddled us back into the guest room.

 _"Should I go?"_ Q asked and I pulled away from B.

_"Hey Q."_

_"Oh right, I asked Q to help me bring your stuff down. I forgot."_ B said.

_"Be that as it may, I brought your clothes, S and your books."_

_"Thanks."_

_"Are you up for a movie after you get dressed or are you going to bed?"_

_"Movie and cuddles!"_ I said, clapping my hands excitedly. My towel fell around my feet and Quinn rolled her eyes and went back to putting my clothes in the dresser.

 _"I'm going to go see Izzy, is that okay?"_ B asked and I nodded.

_"Yup, will you video chat me so I can see him too?"_

_"Sure, baby...I mean...Ana. Do you want me to bring anything else?"_

_"Bacon Pad Thai and a clean face."_ Q muttered and I watched Britt's face flush.

So Q was obviously pissed too.

This next few days was going to be awkward as fuck.

Splendid.

* * *

I had been right about the crapfest of the week. Q was dropping a bunch of shitty comments and Britt was becoming increasingly pissed about it. It was a straight back and forth that made my head spin. Quinn slept in my bed with me, so Britt slept on the floor. Q and I read our books together and Britt went and bought me the books of my wait list online.

By Friday, I was ready to be rid of them both.

Only, Isaac was supposed to be coming home the next day and I needed to be ready for him.

And that was a hard line for Britt.

 _"Can you bring his crib down here?"_ I asked B as she rolled up her sleeping bag on the floor.

_"No. I think it's time you went back upstairs."_

_"Well I can't. If you leave and I need food, I can't be going up and down the stairs."_

_"I don't want you to move in this room."_

_"So?"_

_"Can we be done with this already? I fucked up but you have done so much worse and I always forgive you."_

_"You fucked Rachel Berry in our bed and you want me to sleep in it?"_

_"Quinn helped me change the mattress and the sheets. What more do you need?"_

_"I need you gone, Brittany. Why are you even here?"_

She was crying now, her arms wrapped around her chest. It was the first time that I had seen genuine emotion in all of this.

_"Because I love you and I love our life that we were building. I messed up, baby and I want to fix it. Please? I'll do anything."_

_"Anything?"_

_"Yes."_

She was on her knees now, beside the bed, the blanket bunched up in her fists. It was like she needed to squeeze something to get her head straight. The tighter she squeezed her fists the more she seemed to be calm.

_"What I need is for you to bring down his crib."_

_"Baby, please...anything else?"_

_"Stop calling me that, I'm not your baby. Shit, I'm barely your friend right now. So can you please, bring MY son's stuff down here."_

_"YOUR son?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Don't do that, Ana. No matter how much we fight don't yo-yo our kids. Please?"_ She reached out and linked her pinky in mine. _"I'm still figuring myself out and we are not in a good place but I never want that to change who we are to our now and future kids."_

I took a deep breath and nodded, knowing that she was right. My son was not a pawn and I needed to remember that.

_"You're right. I won't do that anymore. I'm sorry."_

_"I'm sorry too...for everything."_

_"I know, B. I just need some time before we can be an us."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

Our truce lasted one day.

Saturday morning, Britt was supposed to be driving us to the hospital for a checkup on my stitches and hopefully to pick up Isaac. For the last week, I had been confined to the bed, so I've had to exist on video chats with him through Britt's phone. All I wanted was to hold him in my arms and bury my nose in his hair. I had woke up, gotten dressed and tried to be in the best mood possible but Britt was walking around anxious.

My appointment was a twenty minute drive on a good day and since I hadn't been out of the house in days, I had tried to get Britt to leave sooner but she fucking insisted that we had time.

Only we didn't have time because she took a left when I told her to take a right and now we were stuck in rush hour traffic in Manhattan and would be late to my appointment so she was pissed.

She was cursing at other drivers and banging on the steering wheel in a rage.

_"Britt, you need to calm down. We will get there, no need for the rage."_

_"I just don't get it! Why is there traffic at this hour?"_

_"Honey, it's New York there's always traffic. We aren't in Lima anymore."_ I said as I thought of the wizard of oz. I had spent a lot of time watching movies lately. I was brought abruptly from my thoughts when she snapped at me.

_"I know where the fuck we are, Santana!"_

My head snapped to the side towards her...this side of Britt hadn't come out in a while and it shocked me.

 _"Whoa! Bring it back! Are you yelling and cursing at me, Brittany?"_ I had my eyebrow cocked and my arms crossed over my chest.

 _"I-I'm sorry."_ she mumbled out and then hit the horn, or rather punched it.

_"Don't beat up the car please, I know I can afford it but it wasn't cheap. The horn works even when you don't punch it."_

_"Would you stop fucking telling me what to do!"_ she yelled at me with anger all over her face.

_"That's not what I'm doing."_

_"And then you tell me what you can afford? I know you're rich you don't have to throw it in my face!"_

_"Okay, you know what? That's it! I tried to be nice."_

_"Huh?"_

_"What the fuck is wrong with you, Britt? This can't just be the traffic."_

* * *

I was trying to stay calm but my patience was quickly wearing thin. I placed a hand on her thigh and she flinched away and released a sigh and looked over at me.

 _"Who's Ari?"_ Crap, is that what this was about? Why hadn't I told her?

_"My childhood best friend from before I met Q. She is starting at NYU."_

_"You mean your first crush...that Ari?"_

_"Yes. She saw me at the funeral and then she came to mom's to see me afterwards."_

_"Did you sleep with her?"_

_"What? No. We hadn't seen each other in three years, we just talked. I missed her."_

_"So you are seeing her tomorrow."_

_"Yea, it just church and lunch. No big deal."_

_"Really? then why didn't you tell me about it?"_

_"Because it just slipped my mind."_

_"Convenient."_

_"How did you find out?"_

I watched as she bit her lip and looked out onto the road again, we still hadn't moved. I was beyond upset because I knew the answer to my question but I wanted her to admit to me what she had done. I hadn't raised my voice this whole time and was proud of myself for it. I hadn't deflected and I had been completely honest. So now, I sat quietly and waited for her to answer me. My hand remained on her thigh gripping it lightly, like we were just talking about shoes, I sighed and then I rubbed her leg trying to encourage her to be honest back with me. It was about trust.

 _"I went through your phone...through your messages, your calls and your pictures...through everything."_ she finally whispered. I nodded and turned my face from her so she couldn't see the disappointment in my eyes. It hurt to hear it but I wasn't going to freak out about it at least not at that moment.

We finally pulled into a parking spot a full twenty minutes later. Me feeling like I could explode and Britt acting like a dog with its back against a wall.

I had called ahead to let the doctor know we were going to be late and heard Britt grumble but now that we were there and she was waiting for us, I didn't care. I hated her when she acted like this...it was like I was dating myself, but a much more jealous and bitter version.

B grabbed Isaac's car seat and then opened my door and helped me out of the car. I stepped down and felt the soreness in my back. I hadn't really been on my feet and when I did I was still insanely sore. I knew for a fact that this was it for me, my body couldn't handle being pregnant and I wasn't going to force it to be ever again.

I slid my hand into Britt's and let her lead me onto the elevator. The moment that we stepped off onto the main floor she insisted that I sit in a wheelchair because I was walking funny...so I ended up holding the car seat on my lap while being rolled down the hall to my appointment. I felt ridiculous but at least I got out of walking next to her and pretending that I felt like holding her hand.

I was upset with her and she was the last person that I wanted near me but I needed to suck it up, for Isaac.

* * *

_"So tell me about the pain that you've been having, Santana?"_

_"It's my lower back. It's just kind of sore and I feel pressure when I stand."_

_"How is your upper back?"_

_"Not as painful as the lower."_

_"How long have you had the implants?"_

_"Three years."_

_"What size were you before the surgery?"_

_"Barely a B and now I'm a DD."_

_"I see, at the height of your pregnancy with Isaac what was your weight?"_

_"119, I think. The most I ever weighed."_

_"Well seeing that the baby is developing properly and the bleeding has stopped. I think that it may just be an adjustment for your body and can be a side effect to the bed rest."_

_"So it's normal?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I have been trying to do everything by the book including getting my weight up it's just hard. I have never been insanely good at taking care of myself."_

_"Well if you keep doing what you're doing Santana, things will be just fine. You came in at 118 today. So let's keep you eating the way you that have been but let's get you back to walking again at least once a day. Nothing too strenuous."_

_"I'm worried about that, the last time I tried doing that while pregnant I had Isaac early. Am I going to be okay to do that this time?"_

_"You should be fine. Your body just needs to adjust to being healthy, drug free and surprisingly to being pregnant."_

_"Bring pregnant? That's surprising...I mean I was literally just pregnant a few months ago."_

_"Each pregnancy is different and your body didn't get treated properly the last time with all the drug use. So let's get you in shape but I mean walking to the end of the block and back not a marathon."_

_"Ok."_

_"I want to see you in here in two weeks. By then you should have hit 125 which is a healthy weight for your height and age."_

_"Does that mean no more bed-rest?"_

_"Well, you are still high risk. So, let's do modified a bed rest. I want you off your feet 16 hours and in motion for 8 hours. If at any point you feel pressure in your legs sit down and elevate your feet."_

_"So when I'm in motion I can do whatever I want?"_

_"No, not quite, no extreme exercise, 10 minute showers, no lifting heavy things, and no intercourse. Okay?"_ I looked over and saw Britt's face redden. I was fine with no sex, in fact I wasn't planning on that anytime soon but I'm sure that she was.

_"Okay, that sounds good. So I can get up out of this wheelchair then?"_

_"I insist that you get out of that wheelchair, my caution is that you try and keep someone near you when you are moving about just in case and I would hold off on walking around holding Isaac just for a little while longer...at least until you see me again first."_

_"Ugh...that sucks."_

_"It is safest for him and you until the pain becomes manageable."_

_"I know, I know...it still sucks though."_

Britt cleared her throat, annoying, and looked towards me as she spoke to the doctor.

_"She is going to church tomorrow and then out to lunch...is she okay to do all that by herself?"_

_"Yes. Just be mindful Santana of how much you are on your feet. Will you be with someone that you trust?"_

_"Yes, absolutely and I was planning on driving there."_

_"Driving in Lima is much different than the city, it's stressful and can be potentially dangerous if you are doing it alone...so maybe have Brittany drop you off and pick you up."_

Britt smiled in triumph but I didn't really care. I shrugged and just nodded.

_"That's fine doc, no big deal."_

Britt could scheme and obsess about this all she wanted, I was just so happy that the back pain didn't signify any bad things for me or the baby and that I could walk around a bit. I was also excited that I would be able to make it to church with a good friend and not have to worry about standing her up. Britt had nothing to worry about I wasn't her, I could control myself!

* * *

The highlight of my day other than being taken off of strict bed rest was picking up my son from the hospital. I mean sure I wouldn't be able to pick him up and walk around with him but I could have him home with me and that was amazing.

When we walked into the NICU and Isaac saw me his face lit up as I stood there over him. His cheeks were rosy and his eyes were sparkling. I closed my eyes and laid a hand on his chest, saying a quick prayer and smiling to myself when I couldn't feel any straining in his lungs. He was definitely doing much better.

I looked down at him and smiled. He was babbling to me and it made me laugh. I leaned in and peppered his face with kisses as he clung to my hair. I pulled back a little and rested my head lightly on his chest to listen to his lungs up close. No congestion.

I stood back up and took my hair from his fist before rubbing his chest.

_"Look at that Isaac...you feel better papa?"_

As I was talking to my smiling son, his doctor came over to us and lingered. I knew he wanted to say something but I just wanted to look at my son.

 _"Mrs. Lopez?"_ I nodded without taking my eyes from Isaac.

 _"Yes, Doctor?"_ I said as I rearranged Isaac's blanket around him.

 _"Can I talk to you before he is discharged, it's important?"_ I could tell from the sound of his tone that he was really concerned and that quickly got my attention. I finally looked up at him and could see that my suspicion was right. He was a handsome Latin man, young and muscular I'm sure moms probably cream themselves over him everyday.

_"What's your name?"_

_"Dr. Cabrera."_

_"Nice to meet you."_

_"Same."_

_"So tell me what's wrong?"_ he looked me in the eyes and then back towards Britt.

 _"I'm not certain why Isaac was taken on a plane but it was a very dangerous risk. I had specifically told your wife last week that he should not be flying."_ I raised my eyebrow and looked sideways at him.

 _"Did you_ _really?"_ I said as tried to put a smile on my face. _"I wasn't aware of that fact. I do not plan to have Isaac on any more planes anytime soon. Did it do a ton of damage? Was that the reason he picked up pneumonia so quickly?"_

_"The air pressure set back the progression of his lungs substantially, add to that the bacteria and particles in the air it was bound to happen. This was tame compared to what could have potentially happened. It was good that you brought him right in or he may have died from lack of oxygen."_

_"What?"_ my hand flew to my mouth as I stood there in shock, I could feel the bile in my throat as I tried to remain calm. I looked down at my baby boy and felt the tears come down immediately. _"I had no idea. Is he going to be okay? Is the pneumonia completely gone? Is there anything he needs other than the treatments?"_ I was shooting out question after question trying to figure out what I could do to get my son back on track and even though I was rambling I knew that I made sense. I was so concerned and just wanted to throw Britt through the window.

_"Whoa, Mrs. Lopez, take a breath. He's fine now. He just needs to stay on his medication schedule and you need to follow his action plan down to the letter. This makes all the difference in his quality of life."_

_"Okay. I'll do whatever needs to be done and so will my wife, right Brittany?"_ I knew that there was an edge in my voice but I didn't care.

 _"Right, sorry doctor."_ her voice was strained as she forced out an answer.

She knew what she had almost done and I knew she was feeling like shit about it and I didn't fucking feel sorry for her.

Britt's been pointing out when we are even in this marriage and now, we'd both nearly killed our son...that was a competition that I never wanted to participate in. Isaac should not suffer for Britt's lack of thought.

Truce over, marriage done...I needed space and I needed it now.


	10. Don't Let Me Down (Leona Lewis)

Dr. Cabrera could see the war brewing between me and Britt, but he had an oath to uphold. He looked me in the eye and said the last thing I wanted to hear.

_"I'd like to keep him for one more day, he's pretty clear but he has one last dosage of this medicine and I'd like to make sure he is feeling his best before you take him."_

_"Whatever you think is best. Thank you for taking such good care of him."_ I said and he nodded.

_"I'll leave you to be with him, visiting hours are over at 6."_

_"Thank you."_ Britt said before he left. He gave her a stern look before smiling at me.

 _"Were you flirting with him?"_ Britt said once he was gone.

 _"Give it a rest, B. Let's just focus on Isaac."_ I smiled at my son and he smiled back.

We spent the rest of our time, just sitting with Isaac and talking to him. Britt was great at putting aside her shit and I was giving an Oscar worthy performance at playing nice.

But once it was 6 and we'd gone most of the day just sitting here, barely acknowledging this big thing...I felt the need to run and so, I kissed my baby and promised to see him tomorrow, then before she could even catch up, I walked away.

At first she was calling out to me as I power walked to the elevator but then she caught up to me just as the doors were opening.

 _"I didn't know it would be that bad."_ Britt said and I ignored her.

I felt trapped and I needed a release.

Once we were on the bottom floor and began walking to the car, I saw my chance.

I checked my pockets for my wallet, keys, and phone.

Check, check, and check.

Then as Britt was getting in the driver seat and I went to open the passenger door, our eyes caught.

When I looked at her, I could see the outcome of our day.

We'd fight, things would be said that we couldn't take back and then our relationship would never be repaired.

She put down the passenger window as I stood there.

_"Get in, baby. You shouldn't be on your feet for so long."_

_"I'm sorry, B."_ I said and then I turned around, walked out of the parking garage and down towards the street.

* * *

My knowledge of New York from that too long summer escorting was going to pay off.

I put my arm out and was in a cab moments later.

Britt was probably just getting out of the garage and wouldn't know which cab to choose from.

My phone buzzed and I looked down at a call from Britt but I declined it, instead I made the one call that I needed to make.

_"Santi?"_

_"I need a meeting."_

_"Okay, where do you want me to meet you?"_

_"No. You don't understand, by the time you get to me, it could be too late. I need it right this second and I'm on my way to TriBeCa. I had to get away from her."_

_"The penthouse?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay, where are you now?"_

_"A cab."_

_"Come to the diner instead, I'll take you myself."_

_"Okay."_

_"And Santi?"_

_"Hmm."_

_"Don't you fucking make any other stops."_

_"Okay."_

_"Promise me."_

_"I...I promise."_

When I got to the diner, it wasn't Carmen waiting for me but Nico. He had that look of concern that he used to get when I would show up at the backdoor of the diner, covered in cuts and bruises higher than God. He paid the cab driver and then helped me out of the car.

_"Hey, Nico."_

_"My love, what's wrong?"_

_"It's all wrong, Nico. I can't do this anymore."_ I said and then he opened his arms and I collapsed into them. My tears were coming way too quickly for my tastes.

_"Do I need to have another talk with Brittany?"_

_"We broke up."_

_"And your first thought is to go to the penthouse?"_

_"I know I said you could use it but I just need...you know?"_

_"Well, I can't let you go there, you come with me and stay the night with Carmen."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes and she will take you to a meeting tonight, then you relax with us. Get a good meal in you and you'll be good as new tomorrow. How's that sound, my love?"_

I nodded and let him lead me down the street to their brownstone. My phone kept buzzing but I continued to ignore it.

Once I saw Carmen, dancing around in the kitchen in just her underwear while she cooked, I felt a bit of heaviness leave me.

She took one look at me and gestured to the sink with her tongs.

_"Wash your hands and start working on the salad."_

Nico kissed the side of Carmen's face and then rubbed her big belly, before excusing himself.

I was about to say something to Carmen but she just held up her hand.

_"Wash your hands, do the salad and then after we eat, we can talk."_

* * *

Once I was done with the salad, Carmen sent me to set the table and then she had me help to serve.

By the time we were all sitting together, I felt some sense of normalcy. It felt like a simpler time, back before I even knew who Ian was and I was still holding out hope for me and Britt.

I was scared and beaten down but my fire hadn't gone out.

Now though, I was feeling unhinged and that didn't sit right with me.

The only great thing that had happened since that time, was Isaac and now this little nugget.

And my sobriety, although I was just barely hanging onto that.

Nico finally got me to breakdown everything that had happened since finding out about Ian and he seemed to be really annoyed with Britt. Even though I was annoyed with her too, I felt the need to defend her to him but he put up his hand and insisted there was no need. I knew though that if he got the chance, he'd be talking to her one-on-one.

My phone buzzed again while Carmen and Nico talked to me about plans to move to Jersey and let someone else manage the diner.

I was fidgeting and rubbing my palms together as I tried to keep my face neutral.

 _"Okay, Papi I need to get her to a meeting. She's practically crawling out of her skin."_ Carmen said as she stood up from the table.

 _"I'll take you."_ Nico said.

_"Don't stop eating because of me, I'm fine, I swear."_

I knew my tell and from the look of it so did they.

Shit, was I always that transparent?

No wonder Marco always knew when to beat my ass and when to back off.

_"Don't lie to me, my love. You are both carrying life and I just want to make sure you two are safe out there."_

_"I have my piece, Papi."_ Carmen said and I looked at her in shock, from all that I knew, she hated guns...just like Ian.

And then I was thinking about Ian and tears clogged my throat as I broke.

 _"Fuck...fuck...fuck!"_ I said as I buried my face in my hands.

_"You know baby, I don't think she needs a meeting. I think she needs a break from it all. Is that it, my love?"_

Nico pulled my hands from my face and was knelt in front of me, looking very much like my father in that moment. I was biting my lips and weeping as he looked at me and then I just nodded. He smirked.

_"Okay, come, I'll take care of you."_

I looked over at Carmen and she just nodded.

_"Go, I'll clean up."_

I followed Nico to the bathroom and stood there awkwardly as he filled the tub, added bubbles, and then lit some candles. He dimmed the lights and then kissed my forehead. For a moment, I thought he was going to get in with me but he just looked in my eyes for a moment before turning his back.

_"Get in and let me know when you're settled."_

Slowly, I undressed and tossed my clothes to the side. My body felt so achy as I eased into the tub and groaned when I felt the heat settle my muscles.

 _"Done."_ I croaked.

He turned around and then came over to the side of the tub.

_"Now, I want you to just let your brain shut off, do you want a book or music?"_

_"Music."_

_"Okay, my love. Just relax and have a talk with God. That's always worked for you, right?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"So let this be your meeting. Talk to Ian, talk to your father and whoever else you need to talk to. I'll be back to help you out in a while."_

He turned on a speaker really low and then left me there, soaking.

* * *

As I sat there, I rested my head back and let the tears flow as I took a look inside myself. I had let so much get in my way. How many people had told me in way or another to start putting myself first?

Marco.

Ian.

Mami.

Sandra.

Quinn.

Rachel. Fucking bitch.

Francis.

Nico.

Carmen.

and even Ari.

Not once had I really done it.

I needed a reset. Tomorrow, I would need to be there to pick up Isaac and I would have to face my wife, I needed to be much stronger than I had been today.

Ending things had been the best thing for us, I didn't regret it.

This was a chance for us to maybe just be really good friends and maybe pick things back up when we were stronger individually. She needed to play and get shit out of her system and I just needed my sanity. I needed to be sober and a better parent than I had.

By the time there was a knock on the door, I felt stronger and ready to deal with the world.

I could do this.

I could be better.

With or without Brittany.

I'd always love her most.

I would always want her to be mine.

But not like this.

Not now.

There was something seriously broken between us and the way we were going wasn't going to fix anything.

I had to go back to my resolution to just be friends with her, be co-parents with her, just like I had decided back in May when we came here alone.

My gut had led me to that decision and the first time she showed me a little sweetness I lost my resolve.

That was shit that I couldn't let stand.

Not anymore.

* * *

By the time that Nico came back, with Carmen hot on his heels I felt much calmer and more clear headed.

Coming here had been the right decision and what I needed. From now on, I needed to make sure that I did this kind of thing more, because stepping away to reassess what is going on and how it has the potential to tear down my sobriety and everything that I had worked so hard for had me thinking different.

Nico helped me out of the tub and then wrapped me in the fluffiest robe and kissed my forehead.

 _"I have to head to work, come by for breakfast so that I know you're okay."_ I nodded and then he turned to Carmen and leaned into her ear. He seemed to be whispering harshly and she nodded as her cheeks flushed. _"Go easy on her, baby."_ He said to her and then he left us alone.

Carmen smiled at me as she tilted her head towards her room.

 _"Come on, my love, I have clothes laid out for you."_ She was sweet and it was unnerving because this tone wasn't one I had heard before.

The moment that door closed behind Nico she turned on me and I could see that all the sweetness was gone.

 _"You didn't come straight here, did you?"_ She asked me, her eyes burning flames as she looked at me.

And I knew immediately that she had gone through my clothes while I was in the bath.

_"No."_

She dangled a baggie in my face and I looked away.

_"Did you use?"_

_"No...I called you instead."_

_"How did you get to this point, Santana?"_ Her use of my full name and the strain in her voice, told me she was trying not to cry.

_"Britt almost killed Isaac...I felt...I dunno."_

She reached her hand under my robe and touched my little bump, rubbing gently.

_"So you decided that to retaliate you'd kill this baby?"_

_"Not just...fuck...I just...I wanted to be gone, C. I wanted to be lost in oblivion, with Ian and Papi...and my first baby."_

She still held the baggie as she stared daggers.

_"What changed?"_

_"Britt...I knew that if I left my son here, without me she'd drag him all over the world on tours fucking around and he'd be missing a Mami that he never knew. He needs me, I can't leave my son...I don't want that to be my legacy. By the time I called you, I had already spotted one of the old guys and got that but then I just...I needed to try another way."_

_"Is this all you bought?"_

_"Yeah...in rehab...they told us to limit the amount of money we carried. I gave him everything in my wallet just for that."_

_"How do you know this would have been enough to kill you?"_

_"It's a concentrated speedball, I was gonna take it all and go to the penthouse, find what is there and take that. I've hidden things."_

_"Well Nico is getting the locks changed tonight. I know you own it but he paid to rent it and you need to stay away from there."_

_"I know."_

_"Are you okay now?"_

_"I think so."_

_"Santi, I'm scared for you babe. Tell me that you won't just leave here and buy more."_

_"I won't. It was a moment of temporary insanity. I called you, C...when I could have just ended it, I called you. That's progress."_

_"Yeah, I know."_

_"Are you mad at me?"_

_"No. We are both addicts and I knew that you were carrying, I just had a feeling when you came into that kitchen looking so nervous, then at dinner, I knew...I didn't want to believe it. You already seen what happens when you use when pregnant, you know the guilt of having a sick baby. I didn't want to believe you'd do that again. You were going to kill yourself though, that's not you."_

_"I know."_

_"Tonight, we rest...I'm not taking my eyes off you for a second, tomorrow we will have breakfast with Nico and then we are going to a meeting."_

_"I have plans."_

_"Adjust them."_

_"But it's with Ari."_

_"Does she know you're an addict?"_

_"I told her."_

_"Then you have her meet us for breakfast, then we will all go to a meeting and you are going to get up and speak."_

_"I've never-"_

_"I know and I think it will do you some good to talk to people like us."_

_"Okay."_

_"Promise me, you won't go out in the middle of the night."_

_"I promise. Thank you C."_

_"For what?"_

_"I dunno, not treating me like I'm broken."_

_"You're not broken, Santi, you're hurting. You're wounded but you're not broken."_

She pulled me into a tight hug and I allowed myself to release the guilt of what I had almost done. That couldn't be my life anymore.

I had to live for as long as God would allow and not a moment less.

_"Okay."_

_"God's time, not yours...say it."_

_"God's time, not mine."_

_"Good, now call your sister. She's called you a bunch of times and put her on speaker."_

* * *

Sure enough, when I looked down at my phone, I could see that Britt, Q, Mami and Sandra had all called at least a dozen times.

I hated that I made them worry about me but in that moment, I hadn't cared.

All I wanted was to not exist anymore.

Now though, I could see that it would solve nothing if I was gone.

I had to live and fight.

 _"Santana!"_ Sandra said into the phone after the first ring.

_"Hi, sis, I'm okay and I'm sober."_

_"Oh thank God!"_

_"I'm sorry that I worried you, I just needed to escape in that moment. You've probably checked my accounts, nothing should be missing."_

_"Did you buy?"_

_"I did but I didn't use and I don't plan on it. I'm with my sponsor. Please don't tell anyone where I am, Britt will come for me and I'm not ready to face her."_

_"Okay."_

_"Okay, just like that?"_

_"Just like that. You called me. You were honest, even though you know I hold the financial reins and can cut you off, you didn't lie. I'm proud of you."_

_"Thanks, Sandra."_

_"You'll be here for Sunday dinner, tomorrow and then I think it would be best for all of us, if you bring Isaac here for a little while."_

_"I think you're right."_

_"Good, Britt told me you have modified bed rest for two weeks, that seems like a good enough time for you to get your head together. Don't you think?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Great, I'm glad we agree. I'll let Britt know that I talked to you and you're safe. She wants to pick up Isaac tomorrow afternoon, you'll be there, right?"_

_"Yes, after my meeting, I'll go straight there with no detours."_

_"Good girl. Rest and relax, I'll see you tomorrow."_

_"I love you, Sandra, so damn much."_

_"I love you too. Cuidate."_

After ending the call with Sandra, I decided to bypass the texts and calls from Q and B, almost completely sure they were together and I wasn't ready for that can of worms, I decided to message Ari before I bailed on her.

**_Hey, Ari, What are you doing?-Ana_ **

**_Just finished setting up my dorm room, you?-Ari_ **

**_About to go bed, wanted to check in with you. Still on for tomorrow?-Ana_ **

**_Yup, where to?-Ari_ **

**_Dropping a pin, meet me at the diner at 9am then we can go over to church for 10am mass-Ana_ **

**_Perfect, you okay?-Ari_ **

**_Yeah, just wishing that we connected sooner-Ana_ **

**_Past is gone, gotta live for now.-Ari_ **

**_You're right, hasta manana.-Ana_ **

**_Sweet dreams-Ari_ **

* * *

When I looked over at Carmen, she was texting with the baggie dangling from her fingers. It made me cringe to see it and then my stomach was rumbling and I had to sprint to make it back to the toilet in time. My stomach turned itself inside out and I sounded like a raptor as I began to dry heave.

Carmen held my hair and placed a cool rag on my neck. I took a few deep breaths and then as I stood she handed the baggie to me.

_"Might as well dump this before we flush."_

I didn't even hesitate, this wasn't Lima days where this would have sent me into a panic attack. I cracked the bag open, dumped it and then rinsed it out before throwing it in the trash. I flushed without a second thought and then moved over to the sink to rinse out my mouth.

Carmen handed me a fresh toothbrush and then leaned against the back wall watching me.

_"You and I are going to work on some different coping mechanisms and I think that you and Brittany need a break. I know you broke up and you have a kid together but this isn't healthy. I know you have a million excuses about how it's all her but Santi, it can't be all one person. You two have had a crazy year and you got married way too fast."_

I spit out the toothpaste and then turned back to her.

_"What do you suggest?"_

_"I agree with your sister, you should stay with her until you get things sorted. You are in no headspace to be on your own."_

_"How can you say that? I lived on my own in Lima, I was fine."_

_"Were you though? Even when you were sober, you've told me about your loneliness. Maybe you stay there for a week or at least until you feel like you won't try to score the next time that Britt pisses you off. You are grieving still and you're pregnant which means you are being irrational and emotional about everything. It's normal but add to that Ian's death and Brittany being obviously poly and not monogamous...it's going to make you go over a cliff. I'm cool being your sponsor but I'm having a baby in three months, that means there will be times that I can't do this. In those times, you'll need your village. I am mad proud that you were honest with your sister. You are creating a network of accountability...keep it that way."_

_"Okay and what about B?"_

_"Let her go, Santi. At least for now, Isaac is young enough not to remember if she's absent for a bit. Now is the time for her to figure shit out because if she doesn't, you'll have a son who is stuck in the middle and heartbroken."_

_"I don't want that."_

_"Then you know what you need to do."_

_"Yeah, I know."_

_"When you pick up Isaac, you should go to your sisters, leave him with her while you have a private talk with Brittany. Be honest with her, trust her because this plane thing was obviously a reckless mistake. She loves him and I guarantee you that she's beating herself up plenty, she doesn't need you to bully her too. You have done worse and I know, all sin is equal before God but before man, what she did pales in comparison. She leaves him with you still even though she has the power to take him from you, she doesn't try to. I know you're angry but maybe try to see it from her side."_

_"And if I can't?"_

_"If you can't, then you shouldn't be with her at all."_

The very thought of being without B, forever made my heart hurt.

* * *

We got to the diner a little before 9, so that Nico could see for himself that I was okay.

_"I changed the locks and the code to get up to the penthouse. There is way too much temptation there for you, okay, my love?"_

_"Okay, Nico. Thank you."_

_"Did you two sort things out?"_

_"Yes, my friend is gonna meet me here and then after breakfast we will go to a meeting."_

_"Bueno! Breakfast on me, then."_

_"Thanks, Nico."_

_"You just keep being honest, be Nico's girl not Marco's."_

I rolled my eyes.

 _"Just because you aren't forcing me to do drugs, doesn't mean you're not still selling them."_ I teased and he shrugged.

_"I'm almost out the business, just gotta tie up some loose ends. When I do, we are clearing the place out before you get the keys back. Got it?"_

_"Got it."_

_"Good, now go order a big ol' breakfast, make my guys work."_

_"I love you, Nico and you too C."_ I said to them both and then kissed Carmen's cheek, then Nico's.

 _"I'm gonna be at the next booth from you two, I need to get some work done. When you're finished breakfast, we'll head out."_ Carmen said.

She was amazing like that, hovering but not controlling and I appreciated that bit of trust.

Even if it was a very small amount.

* * *

Breakfast with Ari was like old times. We laughed and joked together. There was no tension over Ian or Brittany, it just felt good.

This feeling of pure friendship is what was missing with B and I knew that our marriage could never work if we were barely friends.

Around the time we finished eating, I got a call from Britt and instead of ignoring it, I answered.

_"Hey, B."_

_"Hi! Oh wow, hi...I wasn't expecting you to answer."_

_"Well, I did. Is this about Isaac?"_

_"Yup, he's going to be ready for discharge at 1pm. Can I pick you up?"_

_"No, I can meet you there. I still need time."_

_"Okay, that's what Sandra said. I just wanted to make sure."_

_"Thanks for checking in."_

_"Thanks for answering. I'll see you later."_ Her voice sounded tight, like she wanted to cry and I hated to hear it.

_"B?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I'm sober."_

She let out a rush of air and sighed.

_"Good. Ana?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I love you."_

_"I love you too. I gotta go, okay?"_

_"Yeah, okay."_

She ended the call and I wiped at my eyes.

 _"Hey, you okay?"_ Ari asked.

_"I'm good. My sponsor back there behind us is coming to church with us. Cool?"_

_"The more, the merrier."_

The three of us walked down to a beautiful cathedral two blocks from the diner and made it just in time for mass. Ari took my hand and I got a side eye from Carmen but she didn't say anything more. All through mass, I kept catching Carmen staring when she should have been praying and I knew that she was on high alert after last night and maybe she should be.

Who knows an addict, better than another addict?

No one.

But I was going to stay clean for my kids.

That was a definite, I wouldn't make the same mistakes with this baby that I did with Isaac. God's plan before mine and these kids were of God.

I had to do better and be better, that started with honesty.

Last night, I was dead set on getting out of speaking in front of the meeting but twenty minutes later when we walked in and they asked if anyone wanted to speak, my hand went up.

Ari looked at me with so much pride, that I wanted to hug her.

There was no judgment there, just pure fucking love.

I would never go there with her, this life time isn't for us but man, did God send me a bit of hope just when I needed it.

Carmen and Ari were everything that I kept trying to get out of B. Together, they were my 20...not Q, but them and it was now my hope, that having them would help me appreciate the 80 that I had with Brittany.

But I wasn't going to carry the relationship on my shoulders. I am not Atlas, I am Santana fucking Lopez and I deserve love.

So I will do my best and be my best for my kids but also for me.

Maybe that's what Britt needs, she needs to see the Santana that she fell in love with and not this sniveling, lying addict.

I had to be selfish but like, selfless too.

That was the lesson here.

But you know that saying about good intentions?

Yeah, story of my life.

* * *

When I walked into the NICU, Dr. Cabrera was checking Isaac's vitals.

It was still early, so I wasn't surprised that Britt hadn't arrived yet.

 _"How is he today?"_ I asked.

_"He has greatly improved. I have all his papers ready for discharge, one of the nurses is going to give him a sponge bath in few minutes."_

_"Great, I'm going to call my wife and make sure she's on her way with the car seat."_

_"And no planes, right?"_

_"No planes."_

_"Good. I was serious yesterday. You saved his life by bringing him straight in."_

_"Thanks. Doc."_

As he left, in walked Britt looking all done up.

She smiled at me just like my old Britt but then she and the doctor had a stare down and her demeanor shifted.

Great.

 _"I brought him a change of clothes, is he ready?"_ She asked and I nodded.

_"He's about to get a sponge bath oh and don't forget we are having Sunday dinner at Sandra's and she invited me to stay there for a bit."_

_"Yeah, I know."_

_"Cool."_

She looked me up and down, her eyes lingering on the fact that I was very clearly wearing clothes that weren't mine. I could see a flash of jealousy in her eyes and the flare of her nostrils showed me some anger. There was no way she was taking her medicine but I wouldn't push. Not now.

I just wanted to get back to Sandra's in one piece.

 _"We need to talk."_ She said but I shook my head.

_"Later, our stuff can wait."_

_"Can it?"_

_"It can."_ I said, daring her to challenge me again but she didn't.

Thankfully.

* * *

Isaac was in good spirits as I carried him in my arms on the way out of the hospital. Britt hovered next to me, knowing but not saying that I was explicitly not supposed to be carrying him.

And it was dumb of me but I was feeling relaxed, pain free and like five minutes of carrying him wasn't the end of the world.

She drew the line once we were at the car though.

_"I'll strap him in, you get in the car, relax your back."_

_"Fine."_ I handed him over but I did not get in the car.

I hovered behind her as Britt strapped Isaac into his car seat. The only reason that I even allowed her to do that was because I couldn't do it myself. I didn't even want her near him at the moment. She is so lucky that Ian wasn't around to know how she had put Isaac's life in jeopardy so that she could go chasing her mistress around California.

She climbed in the front seat of the car and then saw that I was still leaning into the back seat checking in on Isaac.

 _"Are you going to get in the car this time?"_ she asked sounding exhausted.

I looked at her and could feel my anger boiling the blood in my veins. I didn't say a word as I climbed into the backseat and shut the door. I needed to be with my son...I didn't want to take my eyes off of him for a second.

Britt sat there in the front seat and drove quietly. I didn't say a word to her as I watched my son sleep. His breathing was still fine. I just hated that he even got to a point where his breathing was a major issue again. My fault...Britt's fault. She was supposed to protect him and she had failed horribly, add to that, when he got sick she was off fucking Frankie instead of being there for him.

She had turned on the radio and began to dance and sing along to some Britney Spears song and while I'm sure she was thinking about the tour, I thought of the glee club, back when things were much more simple between us.

I just didn't understand how she could put Isaac's life in jeopardy like that. I was able to forgive the cheating and the lying, I could even swallow her fucking Rachel but this was so unfathomable to me.

She knew how hard I fought to stay clean for him and how hard I was working to be a good mom to him and shit, a good wife to her.

I looked down at my son, our son and couldn't imagine ever doing that to him. Ian would have killed Britt and at that moment I was wishing that he was around to do just that.

How had we gotten to this point in our relationship?

Was I ever going to be able to trust her again?

Did I want to even have a relationship with someone who was so reckless?

Why was I the only one committed to fighting for us?

At this point I was just surviving the marriage and that's no way to live especially at nineteen years old.

* * *

When we got to Sandra's house, B helped me out of the car and then came around to grab the baby who was still sound asleep. Normally I would have just walked inside the house while she got him but I suddenly didn't feel confident leaving her alone with him anymore. So instead of walking away, I stood by the car door and just waited for her to get him.

When she turned around with him cradled in her arms and saw me standing there she frowned.

 _"Why are you waiting? You could have just gone inside."_ I didn't say anything, I just shook my head and walked next to her as she headed towards the door to the kitchen.

I knew that I was being paranoid as I followed closely behind her but I just couldn't take any chances. I trusted Britt a lot less than I trusted Marco at the moment.

My back was starting to ache, probably from overdoing it with carrying Isaac but I couldn't let it show.

She'd never let me live it down if she was right about me ignoring doctor's orders.

My fault.

Quinn sat at the table cuddled up with my sister Celia. I did a double take and felt a smile break across my face. I cleared my throat just to be obnoxious and they jumped away from each other like they had been caught.

_"Hey Ceily...what are you doing here, I thought you were in Chicago?"_

_"I have a showing at a gallery in Brooklyn that I've been thinking of buying. I didn't really feel like staying at a hotel when I had family so close by. I stopped at your house but you weren't there. Q told me that you'd probably be here for dinner, so I came up and here you are."_

_"Cool, I'm happy to see you."  
_

_"How are you feeling baby sis?"  
_

_"Better."_ I said as I walked over to her. She stood up to give me a hug and I immediately leaned into her. I hadn't really spent time with her in Lima and regretted it because next to Sandra she is my closest sister.

 _"Staying clean?"_ She asked me, point blank. Q was looking at me hard, waiting for an answer. I knew Q wanted to hit me with all of the questions after I disappeared yesterday but she was holding back, thankfully. She'd had my sister be the interrogator this time around and I respected it. I needed my village, even if they wanted to flay me for going awol.

 _"Yup_."

_"Good to hear."_

_"I'm glad you're here, sis. Where is Sandra? Is it just you two?"_

_"Yeah. Johnny's mom called, something about something, so San and Johnny headed up to Albany but they should be on their way back."_

_"Awesome cuz a sista is hungry."_ I joked and only Celia smiled.

Tough room.

I turned to see where my wife had gone and saw that Britt was walking towards the stairs with Isaac.

I panicked.

* * *

 _"B...why don't you um...wait up a sec okay? I'll come with you."_ she turned to me and then just stood there looking at me in disbelief. I was about to turn back towards my sister when I saw her roll her eyes at me and turn back around. _"You know what...on second thought, Q do you think you could take Isaac for a little...Britt and I need to talk."_

_"Wait, so you trust her to take him...over me? She gave her own baby away to a stranger and you don't trust me? Don't be like this Santana!"_

_"Like what?"_

_"Don't act like I'm the one that shouldn't be trusted with him!"_ She growled.

For just a moment I was rendered speechless but then she moved towards the stairs, thinking she'd won.

_"So you want to fucking do this right here? Right now? Fine! I was trying to spare you Brittany!"_

_"Spare me from what?!"_

_"You don't think my family and Q are going to be on your ass after they find out?"_

_"Look, I_ _'m sorry, okay. I didn't think it was that big of fucking a deal! I thought they were just being over protective."_

_"Bullshit! Of course it was a big deal, Brittany."_

_"He's fine now, Santana."_

_"Isaac could have died! He could have fucking died! The doctor told you that he couldn't fly and you still brought him all the fucking way to Lima, Ohio so you could leave and go fuck Frankie and Rachel! Are you fucking crazy?"_

_"That's mean."_

_"So is you insulting Q when I asked for her help. You know what else is mean, putting your child's life in fucking jeopardy and then lying to me about it! Or how about fucking Rachel in our bed or leaving a grieving pregnant woman to go fuck someone else? You don't think that's mean?"_ I screeched.

 _"I apologized! Doesn't that mean something?"_ her eyes were bulging and I could see that she was squeezing the baby a little too tightly for my liking. He was awake now and beginning to whimper because he was probably in pain. Q had noticed too because she was standing by Britt in a flash with her arms out.

 _"Let me take him B so that you and San can go talk this out."_ Q said cautiously.

_"NO! He's safe with me!"_

_"You're hurting him B."_ Quinn sounded desperate now.

 _"Give him to Quinn, please, Brittany!"_ Celia said from just behind Q.

 _"Britt you're hurting him."_ I was frantic. Every time I stepped closer she climbed a step, until I just stopped and stood there four steps down looking up at her and Q on the steps.

_"Didn't I tell you yesterday to stop fucking telling me what to do?"_

Isaac flinched and began to cry. This time she didn't hesitate, Quinn grabbed Isaac from Britt almost having to yank him from her iron grip. She almost went tumbling when Britt came barreling down the steps towards me but luckily, Celia was there to steady her. I backed down the stairs as she came towards me, charging like a fucking bull. I took a step back and she kept moving forward until there was no space left between us.

 _"He's my son too!"_ she whispered intensely trying to calm down her anger. _"I'm his mom too."_

I know that I should have stopped there but it's just not in my nature to back down, not anymore. I pointed a finger straight at her chest and looked her straight in the eye.

 _"Yea? Then why don't you fucking act like it! You want to be a shitty wife I can deal with it but you don't get to put Isaac's life in danger! He has been through enough!"_ I said as calmly as I could.

She gripped my wrist and tore it away from her chest, holding my wrist tight even as I cried out. I was whimpering when she brought her face close to mine.

_"Nothing that I do will ever be as bad as you snorting cocaine while you were pregnant with him, Santana! Nothing! So stop acting like you are the fucking perfect parent to him!"_

I swear I never meant to flip...I never meant to snap but the moment she finished her sentence I pushed her backwards and yanked my hand to my chest. I looked up and watched as she caught herself before she fell on her ass and then jumped to her feet. I stepped back again, coming in contact with the wall as she came barging towards me again.

This was not us...not anymore but then when my body met the wall, I cried out, terrified of what was coming. She pressed against me, her face red as she stared into my face.

 _"Where were you last night?"_ She growled.

_"Out."_

_"Did you get high again?"_

_"No."_

_"Don't lie to me!"_ She slammed her hand on the wall next to me and I let out a sob.

All I could think of was Marco beating me and how this wasn't what I deserved.

I thought of Papi beating my baby out of me and held my little bump, trying to appeal to Britt with my eyes but she was still all fire.

_"I'm not lying."_

_"Bullshit!"_ She slammed her hand again and I began to sob.

This wasn't us.

My fault.

* * *

_"What the hell is going on in my house!"_

Sandra had walked in at the height of it all and thankfully Johnny was faster than Britt who for some reason forgot that I was pregnant. Johnny pushed himself in between us and was gripping Britt by the arms and pushing her backwards with her arms trapped to her sides. Celia stepped in front of me and was keeping me from launching at B but I wasn't going after her. My trauma kept me right against that wall as I watched Johnny try to calm her.

 _"Get the fuck off me, Johnny!"_ she yelled.

_"No, you need to calm down first."_

_"She pushed me!"_

_"I know, I understand but she is pregnant Brittany...think about the baby!"_ he said as he pushed her down into a chair.

I watched her face as something clicked and Britt seemed to calm down as she nodded her head and looked over at me before dropping her head to her chest and taking deep breaths.

 _"Okay, does someone want to tell me what is going on here, what happened?"_ Sandra said as she stepped next to me with Little Johnny asleep in her arms.

 _"Britt almost killed Isaac."_ I muttered. Britt raised her head and looked straight at me with cold eyes.

_"Fuck you, Santana!"_

_"No fuck you Brittany! You better thank the stars or whatever the fuck you believe in that he is alive right now."_ I said as I pulled away from Celia and walked towards her. _"Just tell me how you could think it would be okay to disregard the doctor and do that? Why? I trusted you with him!"_

 _"I thought it was just a suggestion. I didn't think-"_ she said trailing off and staring at the floor.

 _"And there we have it you don't think! Unless it has to do with breaking your marriage vows or shaking your ass you don't fucking think about anyone else!"_ I screamed at her.

She jumped to her feet again but Johnny blocked her way, thankfully. She was now standing on the other side of Johnny and gesturing towards me.

_"I don't think? What about you? You got knocked up twice! You are a fucking anorexic junkie slut who can't help but fuck up her own life! You are a fuck up just like your dad always said! You will always be a fuck up! That's why I leave because I don't want your shit to rub off on me. You're nothing but a bitch!"_

I stumbled backwards in shock. I was leaning against the wall, bent over as I absorbed what she said. I looked over at her and could see the shock on her face at her own words. I swallowed back my tears as I saw the regret on her face.

_"Thanks for telling me how you really feel about me, B. Thank you! At least now I know what I really mean to you."_

I stayed there with my arms wrapped around myself trying to calm my nerves. I could feel the tears on my face as I tried to figure out my next move.

She had crossed another fucking line. I don't think there were anymore to cross, this was the final straw.

Britt pushed past Johnny and walked over to me as I stood there shell shocked and heartbroken. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me against her chest. I didn't fight her but I didn't lean into her embrace either.

_"I'm sorry babe, I didn't mean that. I don't know where that came from."_

_"Your heart."_ I said as I pulled away from her. I walked past my sisters and Quinn. I just needed to be alone. I made it to the bottom step, suddenly feeling the pain in my back and now my legs. I turned back and looked Quinn in the eyes.

 _"Q, can you please put him in the nursery. I need to go to bed, now. Okay?"_ I waited for a response and when Q nodded I walked up stairs.

 _"Ana...baby wait!"_ I could hear her on the steps behind me. She grabbed my hand from behind and I was thrown off balance and had to quickly grab the banister. She had nearly sent me tumbling down the stairs.

 _"Don't you ever fucking touch me again...do you understand me?"_ I said coldly. She looked at me and her jaw dropped open before slamming shut. She nodded at me and held her hands in front of her reaching for me. I turned back and rushed up the rest of the steps.

* * *

By the time I made it to my door I felt the bile in my throat, I realized that I hadn't eaten since breakfast and it was early evening now. This baby wasn't fucking around with me. I felt dizzy and had to grab the wall for support as I made my way to the bed.

I kicked off my sandals, crawled onto the bed without taking off a stitch of clothing and pulled the sheet up over me. I was feeling incredibly weary and just wanted to talk to Ian. I needed a friend...someone removed from the situation. I wanted to text Ari but I didn't want to burden her with my problems. Especially not this. I just felt so stuck.

So I did the smart thing.

_**Just had a blowout with B. You were right, we can't keep doing this-Santi** _

_**I didn't want to be right-Carmen** _

_**I know.-Santi** _

_**Cravings?-Carmen** _

_**No. Just tired-Santi** _

_**Are you safe?-Carmen** _

_**Yes, at my sisters, in bed-Santi** _

_**Good. Rest for now.-Carmen** _

_**Thnx for last night-Santi** _

_**Prove it-Carmen** _

_**:)-Santi** _

_"San?"_ I heard the door creak open and burrowed deeper into the bed.

 _"I don't want to talk, Q!"_ I mumbled. _"Please go."_

 _"Then just listen!"_ she shut the door and then climbed into the bed behind me. She wrapped her arms around me as she spooned me and then rested her chin against my shoulder. I didn't mean to sigh out contentedly but when she snuggled up against me my body relaxed. It needed the comfort.

_"I'm taking Britt home tonight and we are leaving you here. You need the time apart from each other. Something is really broken between you guys that's why you can't handle pressure every time something happens. I just thought I should let you know that I urged her to call the guy from the Madonna tour. I think that Sue had the right idea, when she encouraged her to go. Britt is just going to keep rebelling and keep snapping the longer she holds off her dream. You should encourage her too."_

_"I don't care anymore."_

_"Oh, just shut up! When it comes to Brittany you will always care, you will always fight...that's what the always and only you is about...it's what makes you two a OTP...good or bad you are meant to be."_

_"You heard what she said to me right?"_

_"That wasn't Brittany...you know that. She isn't herself. You saw how she reacted when she saw your hurt. She loves you."_

_"If she loved me then she would do everything to make sure that she was always herself. Those feelings had to come from somewhere! She really hurt me, Q."_

_"So you're done with her?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"Because you still love her."_

_"Fuck! Yes...okay."_

_"Then let her go, so you can both heal."_

_"Why are you always right?"_

_"Because I'm a genius...especially when it comes to you."_

* * *

Sandra came up a bit later with Sunday dinner and a stack of papers.

_"She left, it was best for everyone. Eat your food while I update you on that apartment building."_

_"You got it?"_

_"Eat."_ She said and I began to pick at my food but with her eyes on me, I made sure to clear at least half of my plate before saying another word.

 _"So?"_ I asked after I ate enough to satisfy her.

_"We got it for half the asking price. There was asbestos in two units, thankfully not the one you were in. He was in foreclosure, so we got it at a steal."_

_"Awesome!"_

_"Yup. So I'm sending in contractors and we are going to renovate. Did you want me to get someone for St. Mary's?"_

I nearly choked.

_"You know about that house?"_

She rolled her eyes.

 _"Of course I do, I also know about that penthouse."_ Her eyebrow raised as she leveled a knowing look at me.

_"I don't have access to that penthouse. My sponsor's husband is renting it, he changed the locks."_

_"Okay, do you want to sell it at some point?"_

_"Maybe, for now I don't want to think about it."_

_"So yes to the contractors then?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Tell me about last night."_ She said as she moved my now empty plate to the nightstand so she could scoot closer to me.

_"After finding out about Brittany ignoring the doctor, I flipped out. I bought a speedball with the intention of killing myself but then, something changed in me...I couldn't do that to Isaac or you or any of the girls...shit or my Mom. So I called my sponsor and stayed at her house. She took me to a meeting this morning before I went to the hospital. I'm okay for now."_

_"Suicide, Santana...after Ian?"_

_"I know, I know. Can you imagine how fucked up Isaac would be. Both his parents killing themselves, I can't do that to him. It's like my parental instinct clicked or something, like on steroids. I have to protect him and I can't do that if I'm not here."_

Sandra was fighting tears as she pulled me into a tight hug.

_"Fuck, I am so proud of you for getting help. I'm so proud of you for being honest and thinking first. I love you and I'm here no matter what."_

_"Thanks."_

_"I need you to know that means, I had to draw a line after today."_

_"What does that mean?"_

_"I told Brittany that she can't be here this week. You need time and so does she. She agreed and Quinn also agreed to take Isaac back and forth however much she can. I know that it's not my place but what happened earlier, cannot happen again."_

_"You're right, it can't."_

_"Good, I'm glad you agree. Get up, get a shower, and then lets do a movie. Okay?"_

_"Yeah."_

* * *

I sat there dazed after Sandra left, my heart ached as I scrolled through my photo albums and looked at all the pictures of Britt with Isaac. I knew that she loved him, I knew that she was really upset about what she had done. I was really upset that she did it but I knew that if this was all because she was neglecting herself, neglecting her mental health...that I couldn't hold a grudge against her. Hadn't I just spent time in the hospital for the very same thing.

Like that song to Ian said, who am I to judge or explain, I couldn't judge Britt. _IF_ _and only if_ this is because she is off her meds again, then I was willing to work to forgive her.

Despite my misgivings, I suddenly had the urge to fix things, if Britt was going on tour I couldn't leave things like this. I didn't want to hold grudges against my wife, against my best friend.

**_Can we talk?-Ana_ **

**_Y? U h8 me-B_ **

**_I don't hate you.-Ana_ **

**_I wnt 2 fix this.-B_ **

**_Then you need to take your meds-Ana_ **

**_You scared me today-Ana_ **

**_I'm sorry-B_ **

**_Prove it-Ana_ **

I said echoing Carmen's words to me.

**_Okay-B_ **


	11. Wake Up Alone (Amy Winehouse)

When I woke up on Monday morning and turned on my side, I was greeted by the biggest blue eyes staring back at me. At some point Sandra had gotten this swivel crib that attaches to the side of the bed, so that I could be closer to my reason.

My son.

 _"Hey there, Papa."_ I sang to him and he smiled so beautifully. His little ears were poking out and when he smiled all I saw was Ian. Tears were in my eyes but I couldn't stop smiling back. _"You almost lost me yesterday and I promise you that unless God snatches me himself, I'm not leaving you again."_

There was a knock at the door and I turned over to see Sandra standing there with Celia at her side.

 _"It's good to see you smiling."_ Celia said as she came further into the room. Sandra though was still standing in the door, just staring at us.

_"Thanks. What brings you two in here this morning."_

_"Well, Sandra came to get Isaac since you can't pick him up and I came to see if you wanted to spend the day with me. I hear you can be moving around for 8 hours, I only need 4 maybe."_

_"Oh, well sure. I don't think we've done that, just you and me since I was 14."_

_"Exactly, so Sandra is going to take Isaac to Britt for the day and you and me are going to hang."_

I felt anxious at the thought.

_"With Britt, by herself?"_

Sandra stood to her full height and nodded.

_"I'm going to make sure she takes her medicine and I am going to have a talk with her."_

_"Sandra, no, you don't need to do that, I know how you get."_ I said and she shrugged.

_"So do I and frankly, if I see her hurt you again I probably won't be able to control myself but I'm going to make an exception. That's why I'm taking Isaac, I know I won't hurt her if he's there."_

_"She's not Marco, Sandra. I know what you guys saw yesterday."_ I rubbed at my sore wrist as I looked at my sisters. _"The person that said and did all that, is not Brittany. I know her like I know myself. Something is off, her meds may not be right for her or she's scared of something...I just don't want you to fuck her up on my behalf. Marco is a vindictive son of a bitch but Britt is not."_

Sandra's nostrils flared but she just nodded.

_"Maybe you're right, sis, being alone with her is probably a bad idea for me too but I already talked to her and she's excited to see Isaac."_

_"Then let me take him to her. I'll have Celia with me and I won't stay long."_

_"You had Celia here yesterday and it took my husband to tear her away from you."_

_"I know but-"_

_"No but, Santana, I'm really worried about this situation."_

_"So am I. It drove me to a really dark place. I want to trust her with him and I need to see that she's herself before I leave him with her."_

_"Fine."_

* * *

Sandra insisted on driving down with Isaac and little Johnny separately, I didn't fight her on it. She was doing her best to have my back and I wasn't going to stand in her way. Right now, I was having a little trouble trusting myself so it made me feel better not to be alone.

_"So, I'm gonna sit in the car with the boys while you go in there with Sandra. I'm small, I didn't really jump in yesterday because Brittany could probably hurt me...don't tell her I said that. I am still a badass."_

I rolled my eyes. _"Don't worry, your rep is safe with me."_

_"Good. So I'll send you in there with the soldier. Sandra will make sure that nothing bad goes down."_

_"I agree."_

When we pulled up to the house, I froze. There sitting on the steps, next to Britt was Nico.

 _"Who's that?"_ Celia asked.

_"My um...friend's husband."_

I stepped out of the car and the moment that Nico saw me, he stood and opened his arms. I glanced back at my sister and then over at Britt before stepping into Nico's arms. When he pulled back he draped an arm over my shoulders and we began to walk away from the house towards the corner where the huge cathedral was.

A cathedral that I fell in love with but haven't been to since before Ian died.

It was where I normally went to meetings, ever since Carmen first brought me here.

Once we were far enough away from my sister and B, he held out his hand.

_"Let me see your wrist."_

_"You know about that?"_

_"She told me, now show me."_

I hadn't shown anyone what Britt had done to me yet, not even my sisters even though they'd seen it happen.

When my wrist was in his hand, Nico stroked his fingers over the purpling bruise.

_"This is what Carmen was talking about. You can't be with her right now, I just spent the last hour talking to her to check in and she admitted everything that happened yesterday."_

_"She did?"_

_"When you remind a person that you know everything about them, including where their parents live...they change their tune pretty quickly."_

_"I share a baby with her Nico."_

_"And you plan to share another...a baby who will have a father that's pretty powerful even from behind bars. If she doesn't get her shit in check and then hurts you again, enough for that baby...his baby to be affected trust me, it won't be pretty."_

I stepped away from him.

_"You talked to Marco?"_

_"He checks in."_

_"I asked him to back off and he promised me he would."_

_"Have YOU heard from him?"_

_"No."_

_"Then he's backed off but there's no way he's not going to want to know what's going on with you when you're carrying HIS child."_

_"Are you going to tell him about this?"_

_"No."_

_"Thank God."_

_"On one condition."_

_"I should have known...what's your price?"_

* * *

I felt coolness rolling through me as I walked away from Nico. He patted my shoulder and went his own way but his words were ringing in my head.

By the time I got to the house, Britt and Sandra were standing there having a very cold yet civil conversation.

When I looked at Britt, I could see that she'd been crying but she tried to smile at me.

I couldn't bring myself to return the gesture.

 _"We need to talk."_ I said and she looked at my sisters and then at me _. "Alone."_ I said and Sandra shook her head.

_"That's not a good idea, Santana."_

_"Fuck, good ideas. I need to talk to my wife alone."_

Britt seemed worried as she nodded.

 _"How about we walk and your sisters can follow behind us?"_ Britt said more to my sister than me.

 _"And you'll keep your hands in your pockets."_ Sandra said back and Britt nodded.

_"Sure."_

So we walked down towards the Hudson River.

 _"I'm sorry about yesterday."_ She said and I nodded.

_"How long have you been off your medicine, B?"_

_"Let_ _me see your wrist, Ana."_ she whispered as she reached forward to try and grab my hand. I flinched away from her and rocked back.

_"No...I don't want to talk about that right now.'"_

_"Then what do you want to talk about? Why can't you just show me?"_

_"It's not important right now."_

_"I wish I had never said that to you."_

_"Well unfortunately your time machine didn't work so you can't take it back."_

_"I keep saying stupid things to you, don't I?"_

_"Yea...well, lately you have been doing a lot of things that don't make much sense."_

_"It's because I haven't been taking my medicine."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Ugh...I don't know...things had just gotten so good between us and so I stopped. I didn't think it would make me do stupid stuff like flying off to California, clearing out my bank account, ignoring Izzy's doctor, skipping therapy and nearly punching my pregnant wife."_

_"And fucking Rachel."_

_"Yeah...and stuff with Rachel. I_ _just kept doing the wrong thing and saying the wrong thing...but I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't make the impulses go away...they just got stronger. I'm sorry."_

_"Don't"_ I said as I wiped at my face. My sore wrist was now in view and she stopped walking, so I did too.

 _"I did that? That shouldn't have happened."_ she whispered as stared at my wrist.

_"Do you see why you have to take them? Do you?"_

_"Yes."_ she whispered.

 _"Listen to me...ok?"_ she looked up at me with red rimmed eyes and a look of guilt on her face.

_"Okay."_

_"B, you have to take them. Stuff was good between us, because you were taking them. The same way you want me to eat and be sober, I want you to be leveled out, I want you to be able to think straight and be able to control your anger."_

_"Okay."_

_"This can't keep happening."_

_"I know."_

_"So you're going to start taking them?"_

_"Yea."_

_"And you understand how bad it is not to?"_

_"Yes. I feel so sorry, so ashamed. And then your sisters and Quinn saw it. I'm so embarrassed."_

_"You should be because, this has become bigger than us."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I mean, Marco Vega and the child I'm carrying. Do you understand that if you hurt me while I'm carrying this baby, he'll kill you."_

* * *

I led her to a bench that overlooked the water and could see my sisters just a ways down the path with Isaac and little Johnny, they were watching with no shame and that was fine. I needed Britt to know that I was serious about this and with her I was never sure anymore if I'd need backup.

She was in shock and frankly, so was I.

Nico had come to deliver a message and I heard him loud and clear.

_"He wouldn't kill me."_

_"I know for a fact that he would."_

She got paler as she swallowed.

_"Did Nico tell you this?"_

_"He did and Nico doesn't really joke around. He asked to see my wrist and I showed him. Carmen keeps him from being violent but Marco has never been tamed. I love you too much, even after this, to let him hurt you."_

_"Is Nico going to tell him?"_

_"No because I made a deal with him."_

_"And what's that?"_

_"Divorce."_

_"What?!"_

_"I know our marriage just became official but we need time apart and Marco needs for you to earn being a parent to this child."_

_"Did Marco say that?"_

_"He didn't have to, I know him. He has eyes and ears everywhere, if Nico is suggesting divorce after not mentioning it before, it came from Marco. He has parental rights and he may be disbarred, but he's still one of the best lawyers in this city. Don't give him a reason to fight for his rights."_

_"So, I'm going to have to earn my life with you back and you're just okay with this?"_

_"After the plane and last night, I agree with him B."_

_"And if I don't divorce you, then what?"_

_"Do you really want to find out?"_

_"I just don't get why you wouldn't fight him on this."_

_"Give me a reason too, B. Show me the same woman who loved me more than I loved myself. When you're off your meds, you become cold, angry, and unfeeling. Aren't you the one that convinced me that this was better with feelings?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"I need that person back, B."_ I was crying now and I could tell that she wanted to reach out and touch me but she wasn't going to risk it.

_"I took them today, you asked me to prove it last night, so I took them and I'm looking for a new therapist."_

_"Good. That's a start."_

_"I can't afford a lawyer, Ana. Why can't you just file?"_

_"Because, we have a prenup, B. If I file for divorce, you get nothing. If you file, I have to pay you spousal support. I don't want you to struggle, so just this once, you can use Sal."_

_"We have a prenup?"_

_"I know, I should have told you but I'm an idiot sometimes and I'm telling you now because I'm trying to be fair."_

_"Thanks, I um...want to believe I don't need your money but I'm kinda used to it."_

_"Well it won't be a boatload of money, but you'll be able to pay for bills and stuff."_

_"Okay, What about custody?"_

_"I think 50/50 is fair."_

_"Okay, I like that."_

_"Good, you can call Sal and get it worked out."_

I tried not to think of the fact that I will have legally been married and divorced twice before I'm twenty.

The next time needed to be the last time, with or without B.

I deserve more than I've gotten.

Part of this was me being selfish, Nico just gave me the out that I needed.

_"Do you still love me the most, Ana?"_

_"Yeah, sometimes, I wish I didn't but fucking masochist that I am, I love you the most, Britt Britt."_

* * *

_"Can I tell you something?"_ She asked as we started walking back.

_"Anything."_

_"_ _I didn't call the tour guy like Quinn said to do, I called Frankie instead."_

_"Of course you did."_ I said, trying not to come off as jealous. I mean we were getting divorced, right? _"Tell me why you did that, B?"_

_"_ _I called her for advice."_

_"Okay...and what did Francis have to say?"_

_"She says to stick things out with you or at least be better for Isaac, I asked her to help me with that. She called this morning and told me that she set me up with an audition."_

_"How does that make you stick around?"_

_"It's in Manhattan."_

_"A local tour?"_ I said, scrunching up my eyebrows.

_"No...it's for Broadway. I talked to one of the directors this morning on a conference call with Frankie. Remember when I told you she was fed up with me, this was her way of getting me out of her way, I guess."_

_"But what does she have to do with this though, with Broadway?"_

_"Frankie used to dance on Broadway before she decided to go travel on tour. She choreographed a few shows for this director guy and because of it, he got a Tony, so he owed her a favor. So she used it on me."_

_"That was nice of her."_

_"I guess it was. So I audition Saturday."_

_"Wow B, that's good. If you take your meds and give your all, like I know you can...that job is yours."_

_"You think so?"_

_"Definitely._

_"So,_ _if they like me then I will be the directing choreographer of this new play called Misfits...it hasn't opened yet. I would be creating every dance routine and if this is a hit on Broadway, then I'll have a real career."_

_"I know you'll get it, B."_

_"And if I don't...I'm still not leaving. I'm going to stick around and earn my place by your side, no matter what it takes."_

_"You promise?"_ I said as I held both pinkies out to her.

 _"Double pinky promise."_ she said as she linked both her little fingers in mine. _"You'll come right and be my good luck charm?_

_"I'll try, B...that's the most I can do right now."_

_"Try is better than a no."_

* * *

There was a different vibe between us as we made our way back to the house, Britt was gazing down at the sidewalk and I was resisting the urge to link my pinky with hers.

I hated this feeling between us.

But then she touched my hand ever so lightly.

My sisters were walking behind us, I'm sure waiting to pounce but I let Britt take my hand as we passed the church and headed to the house.

_"There's something else that you should know, B."_

_"Okay...what is it?"_

_"When I left you at the hospital, I was going to kill myself."_

She stopped walking again as we got to the house and looked at me with fear in her eyes.

_"What? Are things that bad?"_

_"I don't know, B. Carmen got me stable and took me to a meeting. I think it was a passing thing but that's why my sister is hovering because she knows what lengths I was being pushed to. I scared her."_

_"I'm so sorry baby, I'm glad you didn't do it."_

_"Me too, yesterday a lot of that was jealousy and it was misdirected. I was with Carmen the whole time."_

_"Nico told me, I'm sorry that I got like that. I'm sorry about everything. I'll keep taking my meds...I promise."_

_"I didn't tell you this because I'm trying to guilt you into taking your meds, you know that right?"_

_"Yes, this is you being honest with me. I get it and I think I forgot that you're human. You lost Ian and we almost lost Izzy. I deserved all your anger and I swear that I will be the best Mama in the world to him and the new baby. Okay?"_

_"Okay, B."_

_"How long can I keep him?"_

_"You can keep him tonight and then just have Q bring him up after her classes tomorrow. Tuesdays are her light days."_

_"Okay, thank you for telling me and I guess...thank you for being my wife for a little while."_

_"Maybe someday, B...I will get to be your wife for much longer."_

_"Can I hug you?"_

_"Too soon, B...holding hands is good for now."_

She nodded and we hovered by our front steps until my sisters caught up.

From the look on Celia's face, Sandra has caught her up. I smiled at them both before taking Isaac.

I kissed his sweet face and gave him a good sniff before handing him off to B. She muttered something to Sandra and then we were on our way.

* * *

As we headed to Brooklyn, Celia seemed uninterested in rehashing what had just happened and I was never more grateful for the kind of person that she was. Only once, back when I was getting high while pregnant, did she step in on her own to talk to me about what was going on in my life.

She turned on Marc Anthony and began to sing along. I had never heard her singing voice before and it shocked me to hear a voice so close to my own.

_"You sound, dope, Ceily."_

_"Thanks, kid."_

_"So are you going to tell me why you want me to come with?"_

_"I got a manager for the Chicago gallery and sold my condo. I need a new scene."_

_"Why the big move?"_

_"Quinn. She told me that she'd only consider being officially an us if I let go of the life I had with my ex-fiance. She had a point, so now I'm looking to put down roots in Brooklyn."_

_"That's awesome, sis."_

_"I haven't told Q about moving to New York yet, she just thinks I'm trying to buy it just to own something else."_

_"She's one of my favorite people, Ceily, don't fuck it up."_

_"I know."_

_"Good."_

We pulled up to this gorgeous building with a line of sight to the Brooklyn bridge.

_"This is it."_

_"I thought you said it was an art gallery?"_

_"Never said that...just said gallery."_

I followed her into the huge space and saw a baby grand in the corner, it was completely made of plexiglass so you could see the inside.

_"Holy shit! Can I...would it be okay?"_

_"Go for it, I'm going to walk around."_

_"Wait...you're not just looking are you?"_

She grinned at me and then threw up her hands.

_"You got me, I was coming to finalize the paperwork, this is going to be like a community studio for music and arts. It's a done deal but you needed a distraction and that right there is a perfect one. Go play."_

I sat at the piano, stretched out my fingers, cracked my neck and then tapped on a foot peddle for a second before launching into the longest thing I had memorized...Rage over a lost penny with some of my own flair added.

By the time I was done a full 8 and a half minutes later, I had acquired a small crowd of onlookers, a few of them had phones out.

When I finished, my sister was the very first to clap.

There was pride mixed with tears in her eyes.

It felt good to have a thing that I could get lost in that wasn't drugs and right then, this felt better than a meeting.

* * *

_"You should have seen her Q, she was a beast on that piano. Parents were coming to me asking if she gave lessons and, people just came in off the street. It was like magic."_

I rolled my eyes as I picked at my Pad Thai back at the house. Celia was telling everyone about my mini concert that wasn't this big of a deal. I rolled my eyes as she continued talking about how amazing I was and all I could think was that I didn't really feel amazing.

 _"Hey, S, do you want to check on Isaac?"_ Q asked and I perked up.

_"Yes!"_

_"Come on."_ Q said as she walked towards the stairs, _"You look wiped out."_

 _"I am."_ I kissed my sisters foreheads and then followed Q upstairs.

Once we were in the room, she plopped down on the bed and grabbed my tablet from the dresser.

I kicked off my sneakers and peeled off my jeans before curling up on the bed behind her.

Britt's face filled the screen and soon enough, so did Isaac's.

_"Hey buddy, it's Mami."_

I felt my spirits lift when I saw my baby looking clean and happy.

 _"Hey Papa."_ I sang to him and his face lit up.

 _"We went to the zoo today and then to buy new clothes since someone pooped up his back."_ Britt said in the cutesy voice.

 _"Poop explosion!"_ I laughed and Britt winked at me.

Quinn for her part had handed off the tablet and was now folding my discarded jeans and texting on her phone.

 _"I talked to Sal."_ She said and I glanced at Q who stopped pacing and looked up. I hadn't said a word to anyone yet but they'd find out soon enough.

_"What did he say?"_

_"He's drawing up the papers, he said he was going to run the numbers by you and Sandra."_

_"Shit, Sandra."_ I slapped my forehead. _"I forgot she's gotta sign off on money matters...even this."_

_"Do you think she's going to say no?"_

_"Nah, I just need to talk to her before Sal does."_

_"Well, he said as soon as we both come to an agreement, he can have the papers to us by the end of the week. Then he asked me if your mom knew."_

_"No one does...well...until now. Q is giving me the eye and I should probably tell her now."_

_"Yeah you should."_ Q said, fists on her hips.

 _"We're getting a divorce."_ I said and Q's eyes went wide.

 _"When I said you two needed space, this isn't what I meant."_ She said, looking genuinely hurt.

 _"It's for the best."_ Britt said when I turned the screen so she could see Q. _"We both agreed to it Quinnie, it's better to do this now before we kill each other."_

_"Wow, this is pretty mature of you both."_

I smiled at my son when I turned the screen around and then said to Q, _"We are doing it for him."_

Right then, I wasn't sure if I meant Marco or Isaac...maybe both.

Everything and nothing made sense about this but it was the first thing me and B had really agreed on in a while.

How can it go wrong?

* * *

Once Quinn was gone, I went into Sandra's room looking for her.

She was curled up in her bed watching some kids show with little Johnny.

 _"Hey."_ I said as I sat on the edge of the bed.

 _"You need to talk?"_ She asked, looking worried like back when Marco was lurking around.

Little did she know that in some way, Marco was involved.

_"Yeah, I can come back though."_

_"No, it's getting late and he should be in bed."_

_"Come to the nursery with me, I've been meaning to show you anyway."_

She picked up her son and then I followed her down the hall to the nursery. I felt the tears immediately when I saw another crib next to little Johnny's.

 _"Are you?"_ I asked and she laughed.

_"No, that's for Isaac."_

_"Aww, San, that's...thank you!"_ I went over to the crib and saw that she hadn't gone cheap. _"It's beautiful."_

_"So talk."_

I sat in the rocker while she got her son changed and his bottle ready.

Having a bottle station in the nursery was genius, I needed to do something like that at the house. It would have saved me a lot of trips up and down the stairs with a screaming baby on my hip.

 _"Britt and I are getting a divorce."_ She paused and looked back at me in confusion.

_"Since when?"_

_"Earlier, during our walk, I convinced her to file."_

_"Why her?"_

_"I want to give her spousal support...she hasn't ever really worked and I can't just let her flounder. If I pay her out, I know that when Isaac is with her he'll be at the same living standard."_

She was looking at me and nodding.

_"That makes sense. You just need to set parameters...and that's why you are telling me. You need me to sign off, don't you?"_

_"I do."_

_"Okay...um...what do you want to give her?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"We can sit down with Sal and hammer out numbers. Are you sure about divorce though?"_

_"It's the best for all of us. It will keep her safe."_

_"Safe?"_

_"Yeah...there's something you should know."_ Up until that moment about four people in my circle knew this baby was Marco's...me, Britt, Mami, and Quinn. Now though, it was time to tell the big guns.

I watched as she got Johnny settled with a bottle before turning towards me and giving me her full attention.

_"And what's that?"_

_"This is Marco's baby...I had sex with him so he'd sign the divorce papers and this happened. He knows about it and promised to back off but he's got eyes and ears, he isn't going to let Britt hurting me while I'm pregnant with his baby fly. So, to protect her and myself...to keep him at bay, it was best for us to end things until she gets leveled out."_

I swallowed back the tears that I hadn't allowed myself to have, I was beyond nauseous just thinking of allowing Marco to have the reins in my marriage to B but if I was honest with myself...which I wasn't ready to be out loud, I was happy for the out.

Sandra got pale and then nodded, I could see the puzzle pieces in her head come together.

_"Are you going to actually treat this as a divorce or are you just doing it to keep him in check?"_

I sighed, _"She's not ready to be married and tied down. I realize that now, on or off the meds, she isn't mature enough for the kind of reality I exist in. I need to let her go so we can both grow stronger separately."_

_"What about Isaac?"_

_"She wants to keep being his mom and I'm not going to stand in the way of that. We agreed to 50/50. Aside from the plane stuff, she's been amazing with him since the moment he was born."_

_"True, well I will help however I can."_

_"Great, I'm going to stay here for a little while longer if that's okay with you, at least until this divorce gets settled."_

_"That's fine."_

_"And don't think this is going to send me off the deep end, I'm not gonna lie, I feel relieved."_

_"Good, what about meetings?"_

_"I need to find some out here and I think I need to start therapy."_

_"That's a great idea."_

_"I'm glad you agree...now I have one more ask...it's not a huge one."_

_"What's that?"_

_"Can I take a bubble bath in your huge tub?"_

She grinned.

_"Of course."_

* * *

_"I'm fine, I promise."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes, sis. Go see your suegra, I'll be fine."_

_"But it's different when Johnny isn't there, she's just so...ugh."_

_"You love her son and she loves yours, it's her birthday and Johnny is in Pittsburgh. You have no choice."_

_"But, you're getting Isaac back, what if you need me? You could just come to Albany...right?"_

_"Actually, I'm just going to spend the day at the house with him and Q will be there. Besides, I need to go to a meeting and I need to meet with my sponsor."_

_"Fine. Let me know when you get to the house."_

_"You got it, now go."_

Once Sandra stepped back from the car and patted the top, the driver took off down the road and I was left to my thoughts.

It was the first time that I was alone in days and I felt the tears begin to flow.

The driver was kind enough to raise the partition so that I could have my time to weep and once he did, so did I.

But then my phone rang and I had to get myself together quickly.

_"Yeah?"_

_"Hey, Anita how are you?"_

_"Good...I'm good...how are you?"_

_"Um, you don't sound good."_

_"I am, it's hormones."_

_"If you say so."_

_"I do. So tell me, how is NYU are you killing it already?"_

_"It's been almost a week, I think I run the school now."_

_"Good, I wouldn't expect anything less. So, what's up, Ari?"_

_"After the other day, when we did church and breakfast...I thought it would be cool to hang out again, maybe this time with Brittany. I'd like to get to know the person that has your heart."_ I let out a sob and then quickly covered it with a cough. _"Hey, what is it? You can talk to me."_

_"I'm headed into the city, do you have time to meet up?"_

_"Not today, I was just on break and you were on my mind."_

_"Well, maybe we can hang out this weekend?"_

_"Yes! That seems to be my only free time."_

_"Well, if you're up for it, I have an appointment Saturday morning. Do you want to come?"_

_"I'd like that, as long as we can go back for some of those waffles?"_

_"You got it!_

Talking to Ari seemed to shift my mood a bit, I was still sad about how things had turned out but it didn't feel like my world was ending.

* * *

**_Meeting tonight?-Santi_ **

**_Yup. Mine or yours?-Carmen_ **

**_Mine. Headed to city now.-Santi_ **

**_Nico told me, are you doing it?-Carmen_ **

**_Yes.-Santi_ **

**_Cravings?-Carmen_ **

**_Some but I'm ok.-Santi_ **

**_Meeting at yours is at 6 but if you need me before that, I'm around-Carmen_ **

**_Thanks. See you at 6-Santi_ **

**_Good.-Carmen_ **

Friday morning, came around and the two times I had come down to the city, I hadn't seen Britt. Quinn was always waiting for me with Isaac and no matter how late I stayed, I didn't see Britt.

But then last night she texted me and told me that the divorce papers had arrived and that she'd like one last Friday date night before we signed them. She'd obviously been avoiding me, which worried me but Quinn assured me that she was doing okay, that she'd just been practising for her audition.

And while that may be true, I still know B. She was off either licking her wounds or coming up with a badass plan how to get back to the way we had always dreamed of being.

The week had been good to me, I'd spent days either visiting Isaac or going to Brooklyn with Celia to play that amazing piano.

It seemed like my whole breakdown was a thing of the past, like it was just a blip but I knew that everyone was watching me...and that accountability kept me in check.

Sandra seemed calmer about me being alone after I came home without a bruise or a tear in my eyes.

What I didn't realize though was that it was Britt herself that felt unsure around me, so when I got into the city that afternoon to spend time with my son, there sitting in my living room was Carmen and Brittany.

Seeing her smiling took my breath away and when she looked at me, I swooned.

Maybe taking the pressure of marriage and commitment away cleared out some of the drama.

Right then, all I was seeing was the girl that I loved.

 _"Hey."_ She said and I smiled.

_"Hey, B...it's good to see you. Uh, Carmen...were you here when I was texting you."_

She shrugged. _"Yeah, so?"_

_"You could have just said you were here."_

_"I like the element of surprise, Santi, you should know that by now."_

_"And I hate surprises, YOU should know that by now."_

Britt was watching us banter and then cleared her throat, I cringed.

 _"Sorry, I'm going to leave you two for a sec, Isaac should be ready for his bottle soon."_ And then she left us alone.

_"I'm here because we need to talk Santi."_

I stood there, my arms crossed over myself while staring down Carmen, I did not like any of this...especially not the look on her face.

_"Okay, talk."_

_"Sit down with me."_

_"Not sure that I want to."_

_"Please, Santi, my love...I'm asking."_

I nodded and then finally sat beside her.

_"I'm not going to like this, am I?"_

She shook her head.

_"No, I don't even like it but you know Nico...and you know what I've been through."_

_"You're bailing on me, aren't you?"_

_"I can't be your sponsor right now, Santi. Nico wants take me to Rome before I can't fly. He thinks that a clean break from New York while we become new parents would be good, especially since his family there is huge. His daughter is there and she's going to be a mom soon too."_

_"When are you leaving?"_

_"Three weeks, which is plenty of time for me to find you a new sponsor."_

_"Don't bother."_ I looked away from her as I tried to hold back the tears.

She cupped my chin and turned it back towards her until we were eye to eye.

_"As your friend, I cannot leave without knowing that you have someone looking out for you. So I am going to find you a sponsor and we are going to all meet together to make sure it's a good fit. Okay?"_

_"Sure."_

_"Santana, please, if I could stay...I would but I need to go. It's been a long time coming and now Nico is leaving the business...there's people out for his spot. Things aren't going to be safe here for us, not without Marco."_

_"How tangled up are they?"_

_"Nico hates Marco but he needs him, that man's connections keep him out of jail. We don't want to have to rely on him anymore. You can still call me and video chat, I will ALWAYS be here for you."_

_"Sure, C...okay."_

I broke and nodded, thinking about how people always promise to be there but then leave me.

What is it about me that makes people want to walk away from me?

* * *

Quinn got home soon after my breakdown and immediately, she swooped in.

 _"Are you okay?"_ Q asked when Carmen excused herself to the bathroom.

_"Yeah, I just feel a little blindsided but I'll be fine."_

_"Do you want to talk about it?"_

_"Nah, Q. I just want to spend some time with Isaac and then get this day over with."_

_"Not sure I like how that sounds."_ She muttered as she brushed my hair back and leaned in, pressing a kiss to my cheek before pulling back and wiping her lipstick from my face.

 _"Me either."_ Britt said from the bottom of the steps, Isaac was tucked in her arms with a bottle in his mouth as she lightly bounced him.

And then Carmen was in the room and I suddenly felt overwhelmed.

_"Can you just hand him here, please?"_

Britt nodded and then waited for me to situate myself before placing my baby in my arms.

The three of them watched me as I fed him and I glared until they stopped.

 _"I'll meet you at the church at 6, right?"_ Carmen asked as she grabbed her purse.

_"Yes."_

_"Good, I'm out."_ She kissed my face and then left me alone with my trinity.

 _"Can I come to the meeting tonight?"_ Q asked and I shrugged.

_"Sure."_

I knew that I had been pulling away from Q lately and I could see that she was reaching out for me. I had to shoulder her stuff too, I had committed to that but hadn't followed through.

_"Thanks."_

_"Do you want to come have a sleepover tonight?"_ I asked her but Q shook her head.

_"Celia is taking me to the gallery tonight, just the two of us."_

_"Finally."_ I said and she grinned.

_"She says she has news, do you know about it?"_

I nodded and then looked down at my son, his eyes were super focused on my face.

 _"I'm not telling you though, so go do homework or something...let me be with my son."_ I muttered.

 _"Are you two going to be okay, alone?"_ She asked and Britt shooed her away.

_"I think we will be fine. I took my medicine and we don't really have anything to fight about."_

_"Okay, bring him up when you are ready to head out."_

_"Ay ay, captain."_ She said to Q and like always she blushed when reminded of her HBIC days.

With Carmen leaving me, I was going to need to firm up my relationships or I was going to spiral. I didn't want to freak anyone out. My stomach suddenly turned and I lunged forward towards B and put Isaac in her arms before running for the bathroom. Only I didn't make it, I ended up on my knees vomiting on the dining room floor.

 _"Q!"_ Britt called up the stairs while rocking a whining Isaac.

Seconds later Q came thundering down the stairs.

_"What...oh shit...um what can I do?"_

_"Take him, I'll take care of Ana. I think we are going to just eat and talk here. She just got hit with big news and it's not sitting well."_ Britt sounded different, like someone I could let take charge. Like her old self, the medicated one. I smiled to myself but then I was sick again.

 _"Oh God."_ I groaned.

* * *

Once Britt got me and the floor cleaned up, she helped me to the couch and propped up a pillow behind my head.

_"I know it's crazy but are you hungry?"_

_"No way."_ I groaned. _"My head is killing me and my stomach is in knots."_

_"What did you eat today?"_

And then I thought about how I had left the house without breakfast, knowing I'd eat once I got here but then I didn't.

 _"Nothing."_ She nodded and bit her lip.

 _"How close are you to slipping, baby?"_ She murmured as she took my hand in hers. I felt that ache to be with her more than I had in a while and couldn't keep my words to myself.

_"I need you."_

Her eyes got wide.

_"Wh-what?"_

_"When we sign those papers, that's it. I know you want to have one last date but I'm thinking one last shower?"_

_"I don't know...that might make things harder."_

_"It might but you don't know that. I'm feeling unhinged, yes but that's to be expected. I want you to be mine one last time."_

Normally Britt would jump on the chance to bang me but she just shook her head.

_"No. My brain and my heart won't understand that we still have to be separate. This is why I got my own lawyer."_

I jerked up on the couch and my glare was back, as was the ache in my hips. I had wondered why Sal hadn't contacted me and this was why.

_"Why?!"_

_"Mom suggested it after I told her about the prenup. Thankfully, it was filed in your office upstairs."_

_"You gave him the prenup?"_ I felt like I couldn't breathe. A panic attack was imminent and then there were tears. _"Why would you do that?"_

_"Seeing you freak out tells me I did the right thing. You keep a lot of secrets and Mom told me I should protect myself."_

_"From me?"_

_"I guess, yeah."_

_"I offered you 50/50 custody and spousal support, B."_

_"But my lawyer says I could get primary and legal custody because of your...stuff."_

_"Wait...you want to take Isaac from me?"_

_"No...I don't but one of us needs to be there all the time and it's never going to be you."_

_"How could you say that to me, B?"_

Quinn came back down the stairs looking panicked.

_"Why are you yelling at each other? You said you were fine."_

Were we yelling?

 _"Sorry sorry sorry."_ I muttered as I pushed onto my feet. I needed air and was walking towards the door with my head all in a fog but then her hand was clamped around my arm.

 _"No, you don't get to leave...not sounding like that."_ Britt said, her grip tighter than necessary.

_"Let me go."_

_"Look, nothing is going to change. I'm just trying to make sure Isaac is always my son. It's not that complicated."_

I yanked my arm from her and rounded on her like I used to do before completely tearing a person to pieces but then her eyes met mine and I faltered.

_"Going to another lawyer complicates this further, B. Sal works for me almost exclusively because I pay him a fuck ton to keep things under wraps. Marco has a hand in the pockets of so many lawyers in this city that I'm sure your person is on his payroll and if not, he will be. You getting a lawyer just gave Marco all the fucking power."_

She blanched.

_"Oh."_

_"Yeah, so excuse me if I don't fucking believe that nothing is going to change and for the fucking record, Isaac was always going to be your son. Ian made sure of that by killing himself AFTER signing over his rights. This was just, so unnecessary, Brittany!"_

_"San, breathe."_ Q was saying as she came towards me but I was like a caged animal as I backed away.

 _"What's the name of your lawyer?"_ I asked and Britt pulled a card out of her pocket, looking very much like she was going to breakdown any second.

_"Um, Lewis Carver."_

I wracked my brain but with all the coke I'd consumed last summer, there were very few names that I remembered.

 _"I'll be back."_ I said and then without another thought, I stormed out of the house.

* * *

When I left, I didn't go very far...just to the church. I sent a quick text and then went inside hoping for answers. The sanctuary was thankfully empty at this time of day. So I knelt in a random pew and dropped my head. I pulled Ian's rosary from beneath my shirt and began to say my Our Fathers and Hail Mary's.

Over and over, I prayed until I felt a presence beside me.

 _"So?"_ I asked.

 _"Yes."_ Nico answered.

 _"Did you know she did this?"_ I asked.

_"No."_

_"Do you think he knows?"_

_"Yes. As soon as your name comes across one of the guy's desks, it's sends up a flag and he's notified."_

_"Did I...with him?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Fuck."_ I muttered and then remembered I was in a church, _"Sorry, father."_

_"This might work out in your favor, my love. Using Sal would have made it seem fake to Marco...now it's real."_

_"It was real."_

_"Don't lie to me, you know as well as I do that you would have had Sal make it look like divorce just like you did with the marriage. You two would have been right back in bed together with the swiftness."_

_"Maybe you're right and who's to say that won't happen now?"_

_"You need to tread lightly. I'm right about this, Santi. You need this divorce now almost as much as you needed it from Marco. It's toxic, she's not all there and neither are you."_

_"I'm fine."_

_"Santi...I know you too well for you to try to pull one over on me."_

_"What do you mean, old man?"_ I grumbled.

_"Be pissed at me, go ahead...you aren't just upset about the lawyer situation. If Carmen hadn't just dropped a bomb on you, the news about the lawyer wouldn't have felt so personal. That girl is just protecting herself, like you should be doing, she's taking care of her best interests and I'm proud of her for it. Now it's your turn, say what you need to say. Be selfish."_

Immediately I thought of Marco and the shitshow that was my life...and now how I'd be on my own again.

_"I just...how could you take her from me, Nico?"_

I got off my knees and sat on the pew, tears long gone.

He looked at me with that cold stare for only a moment and then he softened, something I only saw him do with Carmen.

It was the look of someone who you've been intimate with.

_"Santi, my love, she's an addict...worse than you were and I don't think she was ready to be anyone's sponsor. What she won't tell you is that since you two started this sponsor relationship, she's had to double her meetings. It's causing stress on the baby and I have to protect them both."_

_"Sorry to be a burden."_

_"You're not a burden, you know I would tell you if you were. It's just a blind leading the blind situation. She's only been sober for as you've known her but she was on drugs for years. A sponsor should be someone who has been clean for longer than a year."_

_"I know it just hurts."_

_"Just know that we already had this in the works before all of this, she shouldn't have said she'd make this commitment and she has been punished for being so rash."_

_"She's pregnant, Nico, you punished her?"_

_"It was a tame punishment, I'm not a monster, Santi."_ I rolled my eyes. He smirked and put his hands up, _"Okay, I'm not a monster when it comes to her and by extension, you."_

_"Gee thanks."_

_"Let me make it up to you, I will clear out the restaurant and you two can have an early dinner, talk things through and part as friends when you sign those papers."_

_"I don't know if that makes up for you taking Carmen from me."_

_"Maybe not but if you really think about everything that Carmen has been through and how you saved her life last year, don't you think she deserves this chance to live in a city where no one knows her past?"_

And he was right.

_"Okay, fine. You're right. Just make sure that she finds me someone dope like her."_

_"Consider it done. Now, I'm going to walk you back to your house and I'm going to go clear out the restaurant...come over in let's say an hour?"_

_"Thanks, Nico."_

_"Anytime, my love."_

* * *

We walked back to the house in silence, everything that needed to be said had been.

Britt and Q sat on the steps outside with a baby monitor between them.

 _"Hey."_ I said and they both looked up and were immediately looking relieved.

 _"An hour, okay?"_ Nico said and then waved at Britt and Q before crossing the street.

 _"What's in an hour?"_ B asked.

_"Nico is clearing the fancy restaurant for our big divorce paper signing."_

_"Awesome!"_ Britt stood up and held her arms open for me and I let her hug me.

Then we had another set of arms around us and I felt dwarfed by their height.

_"Okay, that's enough."_

And like his Mama's timing Isaac began to whimper.

_"You two get ready, I'll go take care of my godson."_

Britt chose to get showered and dressed separately, which gave me time to make a quick call.

Marco had taught me better than to just sign anything so I called Sal.

_"I know what you're going to say, Santana. I was going to call you but I have some pressing things happening here. Brittany sent me a copy of the papers. They are fairer than anything you would have had me draw up. Sign them."_

_"You're sure?"_

_"Yes. Call me later, I'm in the middle of a meeting."_

Leave it to B, to make sure that I wasn't screwed over, even now, she is a better person than I am.

After my shower, I was excited to have full use of my amazing closet while Britt got dressed in my office.

If I was going to be staying in Westchester, I was going to have to take some of this stuff with me.

My heart was racing, as I finished my makeup.

Here goes nothing and everything.

As we stepped into the hall, both looking flawless, I felt all that anger over the lawyer leave me.

Nico was right, she was being independent and taking care of herself like a real adult, I couldn't be mad at that.

 _"You look beautiful."_ She said and I could feel my cheeks heat up.

_"So do you."_

_"Are you ready to get this over with?"_ She asked, holding up a folder and a pen.

 _"I guess so."_ I shrugged.

She held out her hand for me and when I took it, she leaned in and kissed my forehead.

 _"Let's go get divorced."_ She fake cheered.

 _"Q, we are leaving!"_ I called up to her and she came to the top of the steps, her smile looked so sad.

_"I love you ladies, being just friends for a while will be good. You'll see."_

_"Thanks, Q."_

* * *

A divorce date shouldn't be easy but for us it was.

She was a gentlelady as she pulled out my chair for me and then she held my hand after she sat down.

 _"Are you still mad about the lawyer?"_ Britt asked.

I squeezed her hand and shook my head, choosing not to tell her that I had fucked her lawyer.

_"I talked to Sal, he says you sent the papers over for him to look at. Even in this you looked out for me, so no, I'm not mad. You made an adult decision and I can't be mad at that."_

_"Really?"_

_"Really."_

_"So tell me about your week."_ She said, her thumb tracing over the back of my hand. _"Tell me about, Ari."_

It was then that I realized that I had neglected to mention much about Ari to her.

_"She's a dancer, it's her major at NYU."_

_"Yeah, what kind of dancing?"_

_"From what I know, ballet. We only saw each other for breakfast on Sunday and then she went to church and a meeting with me. She's been too busy during the week to hang but she messaged me and_ _wants to spend the day with us. I told her about the divorce but she insists."_

_"Why?"_

_"She wants to get to know you...to show you that she is harmless even if we are done, she says it's not over until it's over."_

_"And why would she want to do that? Did you tell her I was jealous or something?"_

_"I did."_

_"Great! Now she knows and will want to get with you just to stick it to me, now that you're single."_ She tried to pull her hand away but I held tight.

_"She's not like that."_

_"You didn't think I was like that either but look at how many times I've cheated."_

_"Please...just...lets not talk about that."_

_"But I did it...we can't ignore it."_

_"I can't ignore it...you slap me in face with the cheating all the time."_

_"So do you..."_ She said gesturing towards my stomach and my heart dropped.

Sure this was Marco's bio kid but he knew that I had plans to raise it with Britt...even divorced but did she want something different?

_"Do you not want this baby?"_

_"You asked me if I'd stay with you but you never asked me if I wanted another baby."_

_"I guess I haven't."_

_"You didn't."_

_"Well...do you? Do you want this baby with me, even now?"_

_"Yes, of course I do."_

_"Then you are going to stop bring up how it was conceived. I did it...it's done."_

_"Ok."_

_"So back to Ari...do you think it would be okay if I brought her to your audition tomorrow and then we can all celebrate your victory afterwards?"_

_"That's fine, just no funny business."_ I rolled my eyes and then looked her straight in the eyes.

 _"And no more lies."_ her face went pale and she dropped her head before looking up at me.

_"Okay._

_"So can I bring her?"_

_"Okay. I'll give you the address."_

* * *

After an amazing dinner that would have cost way too much, we shared a chocolate lava cake and then ice cream.

And then she asked me for a dance and so we did.

She held me against her, our faces pressed against each others.

 _"Will we ever get it right?"_ B asked.

_"I hope so."_

_"Do you think you'll date?"_

_"Nah, I'm a one woman kind of girl."_

_"Guys, I mean."_

_"I've slept with enough dudes to last a lifetime, B. I'm just going to focus on staying sober and taking care of my kids."_

_"Is it okay if I do?"_

I hesitated but then I swallowed my nausea.

_"Of course."_

_"I don't think I want to but I don't want to feel like guilty if I do."_

_"I just have one ask."_

_"Anything."_

_"I don't want anyone around Isaac unless I approve...please?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Thank you."_

Once the song ended, it was finally time since I needed to get back for my meeting.

 _"So will you stay at the house?"_ I asked her and she shook her head.

_"Not for long. Nico says I can stay in the apartment above the diner. He says it's empty, so I can move in whenever."_

_"That's great, B."_

_"Yeah, will you come home though when I leave?"_

_"Maybe."_

_"Should we...just...do it now?"_

_"We've stalled enough, I guess."_ I sighed and then took the pen and next to my name in huge swooping letters I signed.

And then I watched as she signed Pierce instead of Lopez and I had to cover my face to suppress my sobs.

But then, in a mirror of Nico from the other night, she was on her knees in front of me.

 _"Hey...I'm still here, baby. We will work it out."_ She pressed a kiss to my lips and I clutched her face as I kissed her back.

And then I was in her arms and she held me until I got myself together.

This fucking sucked.


	12. I Don't Know Why (Stevie Wonder)

I sat in the passenger seat of our SUV and stared out at the sea of yellow cabs blocking our way home. The folder holding our signed divorce papers burned in my lap and I kept my hands folded tightly on top of it to keep from tearing the papers to shreds.

Britt was humming along to the radio, seeming just as content but I was lost in my thoughts.

 _"Baby?"_ She called and that stung. _"Ana?"_

I turned towards her and saw the questioning look on her face. Had she asked me something?

 _"Did you say something?"_ I croaked back.

_"I asked you if you were feeling okay?"_

_"Oh. Yeah, I'm just really tired."_ I sighed.

_"Are you going to stay the night at the house so that you don't have to travel back to the city at 6am?"_

_"Right, your audition, I forgot."_

_"You're still coming right?"_

_"Yes, with Ari."_

_"Okay, good. We can pick her up and then just go straight to the theatre then."_

_"B?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"There's something bothering me about what you said earlier, about making sure Isaac is always your son."_

_"Oh...that. Yeah, what about it?"_

_"Do you really want to file for full custody?"_

_"It was a suggestion from my lawyer, I like 50/50 but I worry sometimes that...you might slip beyond help."_

I sucked my lips into my mouth and turned away from her.

These motherfucking hormones were making me seem weak and I HATED them. Fuck.

A fucking river was pouring from my eyes and all I could think was about what Ian's journal said about her telling him she'd thought I'd die. She hadn't been counting on him dying before me, that's for sure.

_"I'm trying, Britt."_

_"You just admitted to me that you were going to kill yourself, how do you think that makes me feel?"_

I let out a deep sigh and nodded.

Not having a single fucking response for her and I didn't even feel like I needed to.

She wasn't my problem anymore.

* * *

When we got to the house, I climbed out of the car, walked through the gate out onto the sidewalk and went straight to the church. The meeting didn't start for another thirty minutes but I needed more time on my knees.

Wanky...I know.

I smiled to myself and then dipped my fingers in the holy water before crossing myself. Like a good Catholic girl, I knelt at the center pew and then pushed down the bench and knelt.

Out came Ian's rosary once more and then my head was bent, eyes closed as I prayed.

I prayed for my sobriety.

I prayed for my son.

I prayed for my unborn child.

I prayed for Ian's sister and for my own.

Then I started praying for absolution for not getting my first marriage annulled before entering a second.

I knew better, in the eyes of God without that annulment, my first divorce wasn't real and if there was one person who knew the Catholic church better than anyone I knew, it was Marco.

He was overstepping because in his eyes, regardless of what I believed to be true, I was still his wife.

In the eyes of God, I was still his wife and with that kind of thing hanging over us, it's no wonder my marriage to Britt was dead in the water. He wanted me to get a divorce because he knows that now, he can squeeze back in.

How stupid had I been?

I felt anger filling me as I knelt there, what used to give me peace was just making me think about how I felt played, even if I wasn't.

 _"How long have you been here?"_ I heard Q ask as the bench I knelt on dipped a little. _"I knew you'd be here, they can say what they want but I still know you best."_

 _"Go away."_ I growled.

_"Whoa, San, what's up?"_

I looked up at the giant crucifix in the front.

_"My marriage to Marco was never annulled. He was letting me play house."_

She looked at me with a scrunched-up brow...because of course she was a fucking Protestant. She wouldn't understand.

_"What?"_

_"Forget it. Is it time?"_

_"Um yeah, Carmen is outside. She has been calling you and then came to the house for you. The meeting started already."_

_"Oh."_ I didn't say anything else as I stood and left the pew on the opposite end and began to walk back towards the back of the church. Quinn's footsteps fell in with mine only a minute later, but she knew me better than to push...not when I was like this. I opened the church doors and whistled at Carmen. She looked up from her phone and squinted her eyes at me.

I didn't say anything as we walked down to the downstairs entrance, like an odd-looking trinity.

The meeting was underway, but they were so used to people randomly showing because addicts aren't so punctual. We slid into the back seats and then, I watched as Carmen stood up and walked to the front. I'd heard her story before but there was a new look in her eyes. Quinn slipped her hand into mine, but it felt like nothing.

I was getting numb.

I was feeling cold.

The opposite of how I should be but sometimes my walls go up automatically and it's a bitch to get them down again.

The hurt was too much to take.

I zoned out as Carmen talked about her next steps and how nervous she was about becoming a mom so soon after becoming sober.

And that I understood better than anyone.

She'd already done better than me by staying sober while pregnant.

No matter what Nico says about me not being a burden, I knew that I was one.

I'd almost brought her down with me and I would never have forgiven myself if I had.

* * *

When you grow up as a closeted lesbian in a town full of losers you learn how to be a good actress and I am a fantastic one...except in front of Brittany and Quinn.

Thankfully, Quinn headed straight to Brooklyn and Carmen seemed too tired to really push me on my aloofness. Despite not really paying attention during the meeting, I was feeling a little less angry but no less sad. All I wanted at that point was to just go home and cuddle with Isaac. It was nearly impossible to be sad when my son was in my arms, awake or sleeping he was my purpose and my reason.

Only, when I got to the house it was completely dark. I tried to tell myself that they were just in Isaac's room which face the back of the house and that's why I couldn't see the lights but as I walked through the dark house, feeling my heart sink even more, Britt wasn't there but that meant neither was Isaac.

Then I remembered that apparently Carmen had called me earlier and I hadn't answered, which meant that my phone was still on silent. So, I pulled it from my pocket and saw that I had missed a call from B and a few messages too.

**_Where r u?-Britt_ **

**_Pls b ok-Britt_ **

**_Ana?-Britt_ **

**_Q found u!-Britt_ **

**_Going to apt w/ Izzy-Britt_ **

**_U ok?-Britt_ **

**_Ana?-Britt_ **

**_Pls txt me-Britt_ **

Even now, she was reaching out and trying to ease my worries. I sat in the glider in the empty nursery and smiled down at my phone as the tears came. No matter what Marco had intended, Britt still loved me.

No matter how many breaks she asked for, I was her home.

**_I'm home, are you coming back?-Ana_ **

**_In cab-Britt_ **

**_Good-Ana_ **

**_U ok?-Britt_ **

**_I will be when I get to kiss those cheeks!-Ana_ **

**_Mine or his?-Britt_ **

I didn't know how to answer that.

Was it still okay to?

* * *

Knowing Britt was on her way made me feel a spark of hope. The darkness was still lingering, and I was insanely happy that I was being left alone for just a little while.

 _"Hello?"_ Sandra sang into the phone.

_"Hey sista."_

_"Hey there, where are you?"_

_"At home. I'm staying here tonight."_

_"Didn't you sign the papers today?"_

_"I did."_

_"Are you going to sleep with her?"_

_"Not that it's any of your business but I still haven't been cleared to have sex and I'm not really feeling like being touched by anyone but my son now."_

_"Will you be okay alone with her?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I called Sal, he told me she got her own lawyer."_

_"Yup."_

_"And you're okay with that?"_

_"I am."_

_"It sounds quiet over there."_

_"That's because I'm here alone."_

_"And you're okay...promise me?"_

I pulled out my rice pot that Abuela had given me and started pulling out ingredients to make rice and beans.

_"I promise you that I'm okay. I about to cook dinner actually."_

_"I thought you two went out to eat?"_

_"We did, it was seafood and that isn't going to help me gain 15 pounds."_

_"Can you text me when you're headed to bed, it would make me feel better?"_

_"Sure, sis. This is me trying to create accountability. I could have just been here alone, being idle but I needed you to know..."_

_"Well thank you."_

_"Thank you. Okay, I'm going to start cooking because if I don't eat exactly when I'm hungry, I get nauseous."_

_"Go cook then, I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

* * *

The kitchen was hot even with the air on, so I had stripped down to my bra and some booty shorts while I fried chicken. The music was bumping as I danced around the kitchen, trying to keep myself moving since the cravings were setting in.

I could feel the tremors deep in my bones because my mind knew that I was alone and that drugs were too easy to get. I was singing into my rice spoon when the kitchen door swung open.

Britt looked at me with a blush in her cheeks and a smile on her face.

_"Hey, baby."_

_"Hey yourself, give me my baby."_ I said reaching for Isaac who was in the carrier strapped to her chest. _"Hi Papa!"_ I said, and he smiled at me, but his eyes looked heavy.

_"Did he not nap today?"_

_"Q said he didn't and it's past his bedtime so he's probably ready to go down for the night."_

_"Well the food is done, go ahead and serve yourself while I get my little Papa washed up and in his bed."_

_"You're not supposed to be carrying him, I'll come and help you."_

I glared at her, but she wasn't relenting, and I wished right then that I could withhold sex or something, but we were in such a weird place that it might not even matter.

 _"Fine. Come on then."_ After making sure that the stove was off, and the lid was on the pot, I walked around her and headed up the steps. She started singing a Ke$ha song to Isaac and I rolled my eyes. My darkness and irritations were still lingering but I tried to act normal.

 _"So, we should talk about Isaac."_ She said as she stripped him out of his clothes while I began to fill up his little tub.

_"What about him?"_

_"Where's he going to live?"_

I chuckled to myself as I tested the water and then stepped back so she could slip him in the tub. Once my little guy was soaking, I started to lather up his washcloth while trying to figure out the nicest way to say this but then I said fuck nice.

_"Here, this is his home."_

_"Yeah but I won't be living here, and you said 50/50."_

_"Right, so you should know that this is his house. He owns it, that's how I set it up. Which means he shouldn't have to go anywhere. We need to split up the week, you stay here on your days and I'll stay here on mine, we can all be together on Saturday or something."_

_"Wait, so I have to come back here?"_

I turned to look at her after placing my hand on Isaac's stomach just in case he got any ideas about rolling in this tub.

_"Yes. It's perfect B, that way you can do whatever at your place and he doesn't have to go back and forth. His lungs are sensitive, this is a known environment and his godmother is right upstairs if either of us need her. So, you get three days, I get three days and we have a family day."_

_"Fine. What days do you want?"_

I smiled to myself as I went back to smiling at Isaac and washing him.

_"I'll take Sunday, Monday and Tuesday."_

_"You've already thought about this?"_

_"Of course, I have. Sandra has family dinner on Sundays, it only makes sense that I have him. We can be here all day and then go up for Sunday dinner, then I'll come back here until Tuesday."_

_"So, I get Wednesday, Thursday, Friday?"_

_"Yup."_

_"And we can do something, as a family together on Saturdays, we want him to feel like we are a family still."_

_"What if I need to switch?"_

_"Then we can talk about it. I want to make sure you have as much time with him as you want, so if you miss him when I'm here it's fine to come by."_

_"Same to you."_

_"Then it's settled, Isaac gets to stay home, and we will come to him."_

* * *

I rocked a sleeping Isaac in my arms as Britt straightened up his room. She had been quiet ever since we came to an agreement, but I could tell that she still had questions and felt too dumb to ask them.

_"What is it, B?"_

_"So, do we start now? It's Friday, which means it's my day...right?"_

The ache!

_"Do you want me to leave, B?"_

She looked at me in shock and shook her head. _"No, I just wanted to know when we start, I guess."_

_"Well, you have your audition tomorrow and Q already agreed to watch him during that time. After we can do something as a family, go shopping or to the zoo...maybe you can take me to see your place, even?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Sure, and I guess, I will stay here until we switch on Wednesday morning."_

_"Will we both stay here on Saturday night?"_

_"I probably will just because it's easier, but you don't have to if you don't want to."_

_"Why wouldn't I?"_

_"I don't know B, if you want to go out on Saturday night or you have a date I guess, since Friday night you would be here."_

She understood now, I could see the light in her eyes and I gave her a smile, I wanted it to not be sad but there was no way to hide that.

 _"If you still want me...because you know, needs...we still can."_ She was blushing as if she hadn't fucked me in every way possible over the years.

_"Are you hitting on me, B?"_

_"Maybe, I know you're sad and feeling way too much...tonight we could just...be together."_

_"That won't be too confusing?"_ I asked her.

_"No. You explained everything good, just like always. I get it."_

_"Well, I can't really have sex, B...not yet but I'd love to just cuddle with you...naked."_

She was grinning now. I watched as she danced over to me and picked up Isaac in her arms, slowly two-stepping in a circle before lying him in his crib. He was down for the count and I was grateful for it.

Once he was settled, Britt reached for my hand and I gave it willingly.

Where was this version of her when I needed her?

Why had it taken divorce and custody arrangements for her to be kind to me again?

Is it because I had set her free?

Had I made her this way?

* * *

We made ourselves plates and left one in the microwave for Q before putting the food away. Britt and I moved like a well-oiled machine. It was like once the divorce became official, she was more like my wife again.

It made me feel so confused but I just tried to roll with it.

Britt carried our plates upstairs while I carried our drinks.

We settled in bed and ate while she told me about the apartment and how Nico was letting her stay for free until she started working.

She smiled when she told me her bedroom smelled like waffles.

_"Ari wants to go back to the diner for waffles, so we can head upstairs after."_

_"Awesome, we can so do that."_ She said as we finished up.

She looked as tired as I felt as she took our plates out of the room.

**_Headed to bed. I love you, sista!-Ana_ **

**_I love you, sleep well!-Sandra_ **

I smiled down at my phone, glad I remembered to message my sister. The feelings swirling inside me were so conflicting and intense, but I was still rolling with it.

We'd be okay, I had to believe that.

Trust.

I dusted off the bed and then headed into the bathroom to get started on my nighttime routine.

 _"Want to take a bath with me?"_ She asked, and I nodded as I put up my hair. My face looked tired but fat as I gazed at my reflection. Despite not wanting to, I'd been eating whenever I can, and it was starting to show. My cheeks get so round and doughy, it's gross but Britt loved me like this.

She always had.

I always catch her staring at the extra roundness of my ass or the expanding of my chest.

As I stripped down, I could feel her eyes on me again.

 _"No penetration, B."_ I reminded her.

 _"There are other ways."_ She winked, and I groaned because she was right, a girl gots needs.

By the time I had brushed my teeth and taken off my jewelry, Britt was already settled in the tub, her eyes not leaving my body for even a second.

I sank into the heat of the tub and groaned as I settled in between her legs.

Her head rested on my shoulder as her hands cupped my little belly.

_"You're beautiful and one day, I'm going to marry you again."_

_"Only when all the breaks are out of your system and I am finally through this rough patch."_

_"Will you want to marry me?"_

_"Always and only, you, B."_

_"Still?"_

_"Endlessly."_

_"We are going to rock this co-parent thing, right?"_

_"I hope so, B."_

_"And what about when this little cutie is here, will we do things differently?"_

_"I'll probably be here for good and you can come and go."_

_"Can I tell you something?"_

_"Anything, B."_

_"I'm hoping that by that time, I won't be going anywhere."_

_"Just coming?"_ I said with a snicker.

 _"Wanky."_ She mumbled.

I went to respond but then she was sliding her fingers between my thighs and slowly rubbing my clit.

 _"Fuck."_ I muttered when she nibbled on my earlobe.

 _"I'm trying."_ She mumbled and then sped up her fingers a little.

I threw my head back onto her shoulder and then her lips were on my neck as she rubbed me to orgasm, over and over until the water started to get cold.

The feeling of being in her arms, getting nothing but love from her felt bittersweet.

So even as I came, I still felt the heaviness on my shoulders because this felt like an ending, a last hurrah and it just made me want to cry.

Instead, we unplugged the tub, kicked on the heat of the shower and washed ourselves clean before stumbling into bed together.

There wasn't a shred of energy left in me to return the favor, but she seemed to not care about that. She just pulled me close, set an alarm so we'd have time to pick up Ari, and then we fell asleep...just like a married couple should.

Only we weren't married.

Not anymore.

Maybe not ever again.

* * *

Around midnight, Isaac woke up and Britt went to handle him. I grabbed for my phone and saw a text from Ari and realized that I had forgotten to let her know we'd be picking her up at the ass crack of dawn.

**_We still on for tomorrow?-Ari_ **

**_You up?-Ana_ **

**_Yes, still on?-Ari_ **

**_So, change of plans...we are going to pick you up at 6am...okay?-Ana_ **

**_Six? Holy crap! This better be good!-Ari_ **

**_I think it will be better than good...you are so going to owe me after this.-Ana_ **

**_Okay...I'm staying in Brittany Hall.55 east 10th.-Ari_ **

**_Wow...how ironic!-Ana_ **

**_Yea I thought so too-Ari_ **

**_Ok, see you at six sharp! Nite.-Ana_ **

I put my phone back down and curled up in the bed, my mind still on all the heaviness of the last few days.

My fingers itched to play the piano or maybe it was to cut up a line.

How many Friday nights had I done just that in this very city?

My mind started going places that I didn't want it to but then Britt was back in bed, putting her arm around and my mind cleared.

Was I going to be okay here without her three days a week?

_"You're thinking too much, relax."_

_"How am I going to be alone here, B?"_

She was quiet for a moment and then kissed my shoulder.

_"First, I'm proud that you said that out loud to me. Being vulnerable has always looked good on you. Second, you could always just stay at your sister's on Sunday nights, Izzy has been there before and I'm sure Sandra would like that."_

_"That still leaves two nights, B."_

_"You have that mobile crib, just bring Izzy in here."_

_"Shit, B...I can't lift him still. How am I going to do things?"_

_"Maybe you stay at Sandra's until you can pick him up on your own?"_

_"You'd be okay with that?"_

_"Yeah, me and Sandra are okay. As long as I don't hurt you, she won't hurt me. That's the deal."_

_"Is it now?"_

_"Yup."_

_"Wow, on that note you have to be up in six hours and dance your ass off. So, let's sleep."_

_"You got it, baby."_ She whispered and then she snuggled deeper against my back.

_"We'll be okay, Ana. No matter what."_

* * *

We pulled up outside of Ari's dorm at exactly six and there she stood sipping from a mug. I spotted her immediately and couldn't help but notice just how breathtaking she continued to be after all these years. I rolled down my window and whistled to her. At first, she didn't respond but then after the second whistle her head popped up.

Ari had on a classic pair of jeans and a band shirt. She had spiked up her pixie cut up today and she looked absolutely adorable...which I'm sure she was not the look that she was going for.

 _"Hey Anita!"_ she said as she climbed into the back seat of the car.

I smiled back at her and then raised Britt's hand in the air.

_"Brittany that is Ariana Soto...Ari this is my Britt Britt."_

_"Nice to finally meet you, Brittany."_

_"It's good to meet you too."_ Britt said, distractedly. She was a bundle of nerves and I knew that it was too early for her to be happy go lucky. I'd watched her take her pills and I knew they hadn't fully kicked in yet.

I saw Ari's face light up as she smiled at Brittany and then I caught her quick glance towards my left wrist, which I had stopped worrying about until now. Our eyes met, and I shook my head.

Her smile lost a little bit of its light but only I caught it because I know her.

She was not happy that Britt had put her hands on me, but she'd just have to get in line with that sentiment.

After pulling back out into traffic, we set out to some warehouse just off the Hudson River, it ended up being less than a mile from our house, I realized. If Britt got this, I was going to have to personally thank Frankie.

This was just too perfect.

 _"Can you believe that it's this close to the house?"_ I asked as I turned towards Britt and noticed that she couldn't help but smile.

_"Um yea...that's why Frankie thought it was the perfect opportunity for me, for us."_

_"Remind me to call her and thank her!"_

Britt flinched and then nodded.

I'm sure she was remembering the last time she saw me talking to Frankie, but she had nothing to worry about.

* * *

We pulled next to other cars in a gravel lot next to a building that looked nothing like a theater. When we stepped out of the car I could hear the seagulls and smell the water...that's how close we were.

Apparently, this would just be the practice place until the show was finished and had been run through a few times.

It was creepy, but I had to play it cool even if I noticed how abandoned this place felt and imagined that this could totally be a high crime area at the wrong time of day.

Apparently, I wasn't the only one because Ari looked a little spooked as well.

 _"Ana, you didn't pick me up to then kill me did you because I definitely am not going down without a fight."_ Ari joked as she lifted her fists and punched the air.

 _"Um...no but I do agree, this place looks creepy, B, are you sure we are at the right place?"_ I asked, as we walked towards a huge steel set of doors.

Ever the optimist, who might I add was finally back to being perky and silly as ever, B skipped forward excitedly like she was on the yellow brick road to Oz.

 _"Come on Ana Banana, I don't want to be late. You aren't scared, are you? I thought you two were from Lima Heights!"_ she teased as she walked ahead of us without a hint of fear.

Ari looked at me and then smirked. She grabbed my good hand and pulled me forward so that we could catch up with my bold ex-wife.

_"She's right Ana, we don't want to look like punks! What would the kids from the block say?"_

_"That this is fucking insane."_

_"Yea well...they said the same about us, so we should be in our element."_

I swallowed down my anxiety and followed them to the doorway and I'll admit it, I may be tough in Lima but sometimes New York scares me.

Britt was from Chicago, she'd grown up knowing how to conduct herself in places like this.

Apparently, I had some things to learn from her.

You know that saying about judging books by covers?

Definitely applies here because the inside of this place was pretty snazzy.

After we were inside, I could see that we had entered from the side apparently, which is why it looked so deserted and creepy.

The inside looked like an intimate little off-Broadway theatre and seemed pretty harmless and well lit.

Britt directed us to seats in the very back and then walked towards the stage where there were dancers warming up.

* * *

 _"So, what is this, Ana?"_ Ari yawned and stretched out her arms as she leaned back in her chair. She looked at me as she crossed her arms over her stomach and propped her feet up, looking at me with sleepy eyes, like she was prepared to go right back to sleep.

I smiled, leaned back and looked back at her, hazel eyes looked at me with sleepy delight and I rolled my eyes at her. She obviously had no intention on paying much attention to the people stretching on the stage.

 _"Britt is auditioning to be a choreographer on a Broadway show."_ I whispered to her and watched as she shot up in her seat, suddenly wide awake. She looked at me in shock and then gave a good look at the stage.

 _"No fucking way!"_ She whisper yelled as she looked around in awe.

I couldn't help but laugh when I saw that she had the hugest dumbest grin on her face.

 _"Yea. I figured you would like this kind of thing since from what I remember you always wanted to be a dancer...right? I think you said that once or twice, but you have no rhythm...so you must settle for being a boring college student. Right? So, I thought, why not let you enjoy watching real dancers dance."_ I said gesturing towards the stage.

_"Oh, fuck you...I definitely have rhythm, otherwise I would not have gotten into NYU!"_

_"Yeah sure...okay!"_ I chuckled. We both knew that she was probably more talented than anyone on that stage. (including Britt) but she still scowled at me and crossed her arms over her chest in faux resentment. I smiled and looked forward before nudging her ribs. _"You know I'm just fucking with you so just sit back and enjoy it and maybe she can hire you to be like a stagehand or something?"_

 _"Oh...really? Not even an understudy? A stagehand? Fuck you sideways on a horse with herpes!"_ she shot back as she leaned forward with rapt attention towards the stage.

_"You kiss your mom with that mouth, Ariana?"_

_"Yep and yours too!"_ she laughed when I made a gagging sound.

 _"That's just nasty!"_ I whispered as the lights dimmed in the back of theatre with only the stage illuminated.

We both quietly watched as the dancers lined up on the stage facing a panel in the middle of the theatre.

There were six dancers in all including Britt, who looked determined and focused. I loved seeing her like that.

The head choreographer gave instructions that we couldn't hear and then split the dancers into three groups of two and then turned on music. Ari kept chuckling to herself every time she saw something that apparently wasn't done right. I thought they all looked good but as a dancer, she noticed a lot more when they messed up.

As the dancers moved and gyrated on the stage the guy walked around and tapped people on their shoulders. Ari had her face twisted up and looked insanely nervous as he tapped B.

We both froze...was that good or bad? Ari and I sat waiting with bated breath as the music stopped.

 _"If I tapped you then stay! The rest if you don't quit your day jobs! Goodbye!"_ the man said curtly.

Three angry people collected their belongings and headed past us to the back door, one was in tears and the other two just looked angry.

 _"How did they even get an audition?"_ Ari muttered as she focused back on the dancers that were stretching on stage.

Again, they all looked great but what did I know?

* * *

After the final reject left the building almost immediately, a different type of music, hip hop, started up. B was the best I knew at that genre, it was where her talent lived. Ari was bouncing on the edge of her seat as the three-remaining people were popping and locking on the stage.

The guy tapped the one chick on the shoulder and then pointed to the back door. She tripped over herself as she grabbed her bag.

I smiled as I watched B continue without even noticing the commotion going on right next to her.

_"Ari?"_

_"Hmm?"_ She was distracted as we watched a new genre of music be put on.

Britt flowed right into the music.

_"Marco and I never got an annulment before I married B."_

She looked at me and nodded.

_"So, you're still his wife...does that mean, your marriage to her was nothing?"_

_"I don't know but...I just...Marco played me, I shouldn't have divorced her."_

I felt butterflies in my stomach and sparks under my skin when Ari reached over, without taking her eyes from the stage. She traced her fingers over my bruise before taking my hand.

_"I beg to differ."_

_"She didn't mean it."_

_"Doesn't matter."_

_"I love her."_

_"You loved Marco too."_

_"Not like this."_

_"Like I told you before, she needs to be worthy of you."_

She held tight to my hand and while she wasn't even looking at me, her thumb still rubbed the back of my hand.

 _"You're right."_ I muttered.

 _"I know...now shhh...I think it's almost over."_ She looked so excited as we watched B battle it out with the other dancer. The music stopped and then changed to ballroom...they had to go from battling to dancing together. I was torn between watching Britt flow seamlessly into the less aggressive form of dance and being breathless from Ari's touch.

What was with me?

I forced myself to pay attention to them dance and had to admit that even though I was pulling for B to win, I was feeling torn because they were both so amazing.

After two more music genres one Latin and one middle eastern, the director clapped his hands together loudly and the music abruptly stopped.

This was it.

Ari clenched my hand tightly and my heart raced. I rested my free hand on my stomach and leaned onto the edge of my seat, holding Ari's hand on my lap as we watched.

 _"Amazing! Never in my years on the stage, have I been so torn between dancers...so here is what we are going to do. I want you both, Brittany you'll lead the women and Tony will lead the men! Congratulations! You will be called back in tomorrow at the same time...right here to go over the script and score. You're dismissed!"_ the guy clapped again and then walked off the stage leaving the two dancers alone.

In true Brittany fashion, she was bouncing up and down clapping her hands together.

Her and the other dancer, a muscular black guy with awesome locs, hugged and twirled a few times before getting down from the stage.

She'd done it.

I had never been so proud.

* * *

As Britt was walking towards us Ari quickly dropped my hand, remembering Britt's jealousy. I'm glad she remembered because I totally didn't realize how it would look, divorced or not, I didn't want Britt to feel threatened by me and Ari. From the way that Ari dropped my hand, I could tell that it was more about her feeling something than Brittany.

 _"I'm here for you always, Anita."_ She whispered before standing up and clapping for Britt as she came up the aisle.

I jumped up and rushed into B's arms, not caring about the sweat that dripped from her body, frankly, I'm used to being covered in it. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed my lips so hard that I was dizzy.

Okay, so we needed boundaries still but maybe it was just her adrenaline.

She looked up at Ari who was staring at her looking star struck or maybe it was at me, because she had just told me that I deserved more.

Either way, she was good at playing it off.

 _"So, what did you think Ari?"_ B asked, as she was getting her breathing under control. I felt so proud of B that I couldn't stop staring at her. Fucking hormones, Ari's touch had ignited something in me and I had to get it out.

 _"Amazing Brittany. You are hot, I mean you are just so natural! I could watch you dance for hours! Can I have your autograph? I'm serious!"_ Ari said excitedly. Britt was beaming after that compliment.

See, nothing to worry about...Ari knew the game well.

 _"How about I take you home with me instead?"_ Britt winked, and I landed an elbow firmly in her side. I felt legitimately jealous and she really didn't have the history where flirting was okay in front of me, divorced or not. She laughed and started walking us to the door, ignoring my face. Ari looked at me when Britt's back was turned and winked at me. It made my heart race and I just kept my head down and followed Britt outside.

Between the two of them...God...I want both...now I know how Britt felt.

The difference is that I won't be fucking Ari...no matter how much I want to.


	13. Sweeter (Leon Bridges feat. Terrace Martin)

**_Santana, it's Sal, you haven't returned any of my voicemails. I really need to catch up with you so that we can discuss a few matters. I know that you have a lot on your plate but you're not paying me to leave you messages. Call me please.-Salvatore_ **

As I climbed into the passenger seat, I had turned on my phone to my first text message ever from Sal and was immediately worried about what could be so urgent that he'd join the 21st century to contact me.

 _"You okay?"_ Britt said to me, her voice closer than I expected. When I turned my face, I nearly smacked right into hers.

 _"Um...yeah, diner?"_ I asked shooting a quick text to Sal.

**_I'll call you in a bit.-Santana_ **

_"Waffles?"_ Ari said as she stuck her head between the two front seats.

 _"Yeah."_ I said, distracted by what Sal could want.

Britt pulled out onto the road and I got lost in my phone since she couldn't focus on what I was writing when she had to pay attention to traffic. Thankfully, Ari had decided to hammer Britt with questions that distracted her even further.

**_Have you heard from Sal?-Ana_ **

**_No, why?-Sandra_ **

**_He texted me.-Ana_ **

**_Sal knows how to text?-Sandra_ **

**_Apparently. Not sure if I should be worried. I'm out with Britt and Ari, if you have a sec, can you check in with him?-Ana_ **

**_Um, sure? Should I be worried?-Sandra_ **

**_No idea.-Ana_ **

**_Okay, I'm on it.-Sandra_ **

**_Thank you, thank you!-Ana_ **

**_Hey Q, she got the job act surprised. Headed to Nico's for waffles. I'll bring you some-Ana_ **

**_And bacon?-Q_ **

**_Of course! LOL-Ana_ **

She sent me a picture of Isaac kicking at his tummy time piano.

Then she sent a video. I played it and laughed when he did.

God my son, is everything.

* * *

Normally I give Nico or Carmen the heads up I’m coming but today I didn't, and I wish like hell that I did.

When I walked in, a familiar face was sitting at the counter.

Our eyes met, and I felt bile rise to the back of my throat.

The new server that had taken Carmen's place smiled at us and led us to a table that looked directly at the counter.

 _"Actually, can we sit-"_ I started to say but was cut off by B.

 _"This is good, thank you!"_ The server ignored me and smiled at Britt before heading to the back. Once we were sitting, I couldn't help but meet the eyes that were boring holes into my face. _"I know you knew this place first, but I live upstairs now, I have to see these people don't make waves."_ Britt said.

I nodded absently and picked up the menu.

But then I was feeling nauseous. I got up without a word to Ari or Britt and made my way past the counter and through the kitchen door.

The bathroom wasn't back here but Nico usually was.

I knocked on his office door until it cracked open.

Nico looked annoyed until he saw my face and then he looked concerned.

_"Santi, my love, what's wrong?"_

_"Mr. Evans at the counter...I just need...a minute."_ He pulled the door open all the way and I stepped past him. Feeling like I could finally breathe once I was on the other side of the wall that was Nico.

 _"What's he doing here?"_ He muttered, looking at his monitors and then he pulled his gun from his waistband, checked the clip and chamber before tucking it back in his waist. _"Stay in here for as long as you need, I'll get rid of him."_

I sat at his desk and took deep breaths as he left.

From the monitor, I could see Britt and Ari talking and laughing with the server. I could also see that Carmen was here, tucked in a back booth her nose in a book as she rubbed lazily at her stomach.

And then I saw Mr. Evans stand when Nico walked out.

Then I saw the gun...and another gun.

Carmen ducked under the table and then Ari grabbed Britt's wrist and dragged her to the floor.

Mr. Evans, although super old was faster than Nico who had been off his game for a while. The shot hit Nico and he dropped but not before getting his own shot off, but it just whizzed right past Mr. Evans as he walked right out the door.

I sat there, feeling frozen just like the people in the diner but then all at once I was on the move, Ari was on her feet now, but Britt wasn't.

Fuck.

Now Carmen was up, helping Nico sit up against the back of the counter. People fled the restaurant.

Britt still wasn't up.

The bile finally manifested, and I threw up in Nico's trashcan.

Finally, I stood to my feet and made my way out into the dining room.

My heart was in my throat as I heard the sirens.

Nico was looking at Carmen as she helped him hold a dishtowel to his stomach.

Her big stomach was covered in his blood as she tried to keep him lucid.

Then I heard Ari mumbling or was it crying as she hovered over Britt.

When I saw her lying there, still as stone with blood surrounding her, I dropped to my knees beside her.

The blood was coming quick, I wasn't sure where it was coming from, but then blue eyes were on mine.

* * *

 _"Hey."_ She said.

 _"Hey yourself."_ I whispered back.

 _"You okay?"_ She asked.

_"I'm pretty sure, that's what I'm about to ask you."_

The paramedics and cops were crawling all over the diner before I had a chance to figure out where the blood was coming from.

All I could do was climb in the ambulance as we headed uptown.

She refused oxygen, they seemed fine with it.

 _"Flesh wound, bullet went straight through. Missed a major artery."_ The EMTs were saying but all I could see was Britt on a stretcher with her blood dripping onto the floor.

Then my phone was ringing.

It was Sandra, but I declined it.

She called again but I just turned my phone off.

Nothing was more important than this.

Except Isaac and he was safe at home with Q, thank God.

Ari had promised to go by the house and let Q know what was going on and then she kissed my face, took my car keys and promised to meet us at the hospital.

I don't remember responding or even telling her which hospital it was, all I know is she was shoving my wallet and phone into my hand and telling me to breathe.

Right.

Breathe.

 _"She says you're her wife? Is that true?"_ The doctor asked at the hospital and I looked at B who was muttering so fast that it was hard to keep up, then I gazed back at him.

 _"For now."_ I responded.

He didn't question it, this was New York, crazy things happened here every day.

_"We need you to fill out some paperwork, insurance and payment info."_

_"Okay."_ I mumbled.

_"She got lucky, Mrs. Lopez. We will patch her up and she can go home with you tonight."_

Home.

Right.

What day was it?

Which home?

Ours?

Yes! It was Saturday.

Home was with me and Isaac on Saturdays.

She was going to be fine.

But was Nico?

I'd sent him out there to be shot.

If he died, Carmen would never get away.

Never get her chance to live a real life.

A burden.

That's me.

Just wishing that I wasn't repeating these cycles of drama and pain.

He had a hit.

That was certain but was it from Marco or someone worse.

Mr. Evans wasn't a hit man.

Would he come for me next?

I could ID him.

But would I?

* * *

Britt got shot through her right shoulder. The bullet went straight through, but it chipped her bone.

The doctors kept saying how lucky she was and I just knew that her timing had come through for her, she'd been in the right position for it not to go right through her neck.

She'd need a sling and pain killers for a while but otherwise she was fine to go home as soon as they finished stitching her up.

Ari had to go back to school so it was Quinn that picked us up from the hospital, looking a wreck.

Britt was leaning most of her weight on me as I helped her into the back seat and it made my back ache.

 _"What time is it?"_ I mumbled to Q as I put on my seatbelt.

_"Just after 5."_

_"Can you drop me at the church?"_

Quinn nodded and then started weaving her way through traffic until we were at the end of our block, she pulled over and then began to speak but I opened the door and stepped right out.

She hovered at the curb until I was at the church doors.

I repeated my actions from the day before.

Holy water.

Kneeling.

Bench.

Rosary.

Prayer.

This time though all my prayers were for Nico and Carmen and Brittany.

Nothing about myself.

There was no need for it. I'd be fine.

I finished my prayer, lit some candles, crossed myself and then made my way down to the basement.

The meeting had started, and they were at the part where they ask if anyone has anything to say.

I raised my hand.

_"I'm Santana and I'm a drug addict."_

_"Hi Santana."_

_"I've been sober for three months and fifteen days. I'll be four months pregnant in a few days with my second child. My first child experienced cocaine all throughout my pregnancy, until the very end. He's fine, grace be to God. This child, will experience no drugs. The moment that I knew I was pregnant, I made sure to stay sober. I went to rehab, I changed my daily habits and routines. I stopped smoking and drinking. I pray more, I try to love more and lie less but today...I nearly lost all of that. I wanted to score and maybe just forget all the pain but, I remembered that it's not about me anymore. These kids need me, and I need them. I came here because, my need for my kids is stronger than my need for cocaine but I'm scared of what's to come...I'll continue to work the steps, to take things a moment at time but today, is one of those days where I don't trust myself, but I want to. God, do I want to."_ I buried my face in my hands and took a deep breath. _"That's it. I'm done."_ I said, standing to my feet.

But when I went to leave, there stood Britt with Q just behind her with my son, my reason.

I smiled and sat back down.

And I stayed through stories and the serenity prayer.

When I went to leave, a man stood up and thrust his hand in my way.

 _"Hold up."_ He said, looking tough as nails.

_"What?"_

_"You need a sponsor, kid?"_

_"I do."_ I muttered.

He gave me a business card with a number scribbled on it.

_"Call me."_

_"Okay."_

_"Be proud of every step, Santana. The sweeter life is possible...you just gotta keep it moving."_

_"Thanks."_

_"Call me...I'm Eddie."_

_"I'll call."_

_"Have a good night."_

* * *

I followed Britt and Quinn outside and there stood my sister leaning against one of her hired cars.

 _"Hey."_ I said.

_"Hi. Get in, you are coming up to the house for a few days."_

_"No thanks."_ I said as I started walking towards the house.

 _"Baby?"_ I turned and there was Britt, looking pitiful.

_"What?"_

_"She's right, please...go. I'll come up after my meeting tomorrow."_

I groaned and then turned around and climbed into the car.

Quinn waved to us as we settled into the car and then I noticed she was still holding my son.

_"Wait...give him to me!"_

_"I'll bring him tomorrow. You go."_

I wanted to throw a full-blown tantrum but instead, I sulked in the backseat with my sister.

 _"Why?"_ I asked her as the car started moving.

_"Marco wants to see you."_

I turned towards her and could feel my glare.

_"No."_

_"This is important, it's why Sal was calling. You need to go."_

_"Sandra, I'm barely hanging on. I promise you that I'm not okay. Please don't make me go see him."_

_"I will be with you."_

_"Promise me that you won't leave me alone."_

_"I promise."_

* * *

The last time that I had seen Marco, had been in that parking lot when he was asking me about my pregnancy.

Right before he went to jail.

Now, when I saw him, I had a baby bump and he had a beard that made him look like the stereotype of a terrorist.

His eyes lit up when he saw me, he was staring hard at my stomach and smiling like I had never seen. There was nothing hard about his expression.

I think he was truly in awe.

 _"Why am I here?"_ I said to him before I was even sitting.

 _"Can I...touch?"_ He asked, his voice like gravel.

I glanced over at Sandra who had her fists balled against her side.

 _"Up to you, sis."_ She said, and I walked to his side of the table and stood there with my arms spread.

_"Be quick before I throw up on you."_

He winked at me and then spread his hands over my stomach, keeping them there until I looked at him.

 _"I'm glad you're safe."_ He said.

I reached down and slid my hands over his softly before snatching them off me by bending his thumbs back, like he had shown me to do when a guy got too handsy.

 _"That's enough."_ I said and then stepped back and moved to the other side of the table, sitting beside my sister and hoping to God that this could be done with quickly.

_"Thank you for letting me see you. I know that I made a promise to you and I'm still doing my best to keep it but then I heard about the hit on Nico. I heard you were in that diner and I needed to see you for myself."_

_"You contacted Sal before today, from what my sister is telling me. What do you want?"_

_"There's a price on your head, pretty much anyone that I dealt with. Your house is not safe, that diner isn't safe, and there's only one way that I can think for you to get it to stop. I contacted Sal a few days ago, after talking to Nico. Thought if you left Brittany, she'd be safe. I was wrong. Staying with Sandra is your best bet since she's in that secured community."_

_"Why do I have a price on my head, Marco?"_ I growled.

_"Remember the deal we made back when I got rid of that guy who tried to hook you on heroin?"_

I looked over at my sister and then nodded at Marco.

_"Yeah."_

_"He wants his money and his stash."_

_"Okay? What does that have to do with me?"_

_"I promised to pay him off to stay away from you. He resents you walking around the city like you own it. He resents you for rising above your station."_ Marco used air quotes and rolled his eyes. _"You have the stash; Anita and you have the money."_

 _"What?"_ Sandra said, her eyes burning into the side of my face, but I wouldn't look at her.

_"Marco...how are you sure this will put an end to it?"_

_"Mr. Evans."_

I felt a chill go through me.

 _"What about...him?"_ I sighed.

_"He's always liked you despite his son...maybe even because of his hateful spawn. He was gunning for Brittany, he knows she's going to live there...he didn't want to kill you...so he thought he'd take out Brittany. Like I said, you're not safe but she is less safe than you are and I'm willing to bet, that Isaac is no safer."_

_"What?!"_

_"Get the stash and money, Anita."_

_"How do I know this isn't some ploy to get me arrested, Marco?"_

He looked around and held out his arms.

_"Look around, no cameras no mirrors, no guard...I struck a deal. Get the stuff and take it to the penthouse, leave it there."_

_"Nico changed the locks and the passcode."_

_"Then get them, Santana. You're smart. Figure it out and soon."_

_"Why do you give a fuck, Marco?"_

_"Because, that blessing you are carrying is probably my one good thing. My one perfect thing and I'll be damned if anyone takes that from me or you."_

_"Can you call them off while I get the stash?"_

_"The cops are alerted so those idiots won't make a move right away. I'll tell my connect to be on the lookout for the stuff...let's say by tomorrow night in your favorite spot."_

_"Okay, is that it?"_

_"How are you doing?"_

_"Your contacts haven't told you that?"_

_"I know about Ian. I know about you nearly losing the baby in Lima, but I haven't been caught up on your health here."_

_"I'm fine, the baby is a fighter."_

_"Like her parents."_

_"Her?"_

_"Yeah, I have a feeling...karma and all that."_

There was a hard knock on the door and he stood up and came around the table. He stuck his hand out to Sandra and she actually took it. I watched her stand and then look him in the eyes while they shook hands.

_"Thanks for taking care of my family, Sandra."_

_"Your family?"_

_"Married or not, Santana is always my family, so yes."_

I rolled my eyes as I watched him leave without attempting to touch me again.

He knew better.

* * *

Once we were back in the car, Sandra sat there fuming but I didn't have time for it, the price wasn't on her head.

After tonight, things needed to shift.

I had to find my happiness again.

**_How is he?-Santi_ **

**_Gone.-Carmen_ **

**_What?-Santi_ **

**_Yes.-Carmen_ **

**_What can I do?-Santi_ **

**_U did enough-Carmen_ **

I sat there staring at my phone, tears coming from my eyes.

**_C, we aren't safe-Santi_ **

**_I need the codes, to protect us-Santi_ **

**_Due date-Carmen_ **

**_Where are you?-Carmen_ **

**_I need-Carmen_ **

I felt my chest tighten and didn't bother texting, no, she fucking deserved a phone call.

_"Yeah?"_

_"C, where are you?"_

_"Don't know."_

_"C, please?"_

_"Hotel."_

_"Old one?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"I'm on my way."_

_"K."_ And then the tone went in my ear.

_"Sis, I need you to get him to take us to TriBeCa...Nico's dead. Carmen is wandering the street."_

_"Oh God."_

_"She's like me, San and she's six months pregnant, Nico was all she had in this country...this world."_

Sandra told the driver to change course and I worked on trying to get Carmen back on the phone.

 _"Breathe."_ Sandra said but I couldn't. Not now, not until she was here with me.

* * *

Carmen sat in the car, staring out the window, blood covering her shirt.

_"He made me promise to not fill out the papers. Nico wanted me safe, I have his wallet...his everything. He wanted to be a John Doe."_

_"But why?"_

_"You know Nico, he doesn't give reasons."_ She sounded dazed and then, she dug into her pocket and pulled out the keys. _"Here."_

_"What can I do, C...ask for anything."_

_"Make it hurt less."_ She muttered.

 _"I don't...I can't."_ I whispered.

She reached her blood covered hand towards me, it had long dried, but it still turned my stomach. I took her hand and didn't let it go for the whole ride back to my house.

My fuming sister was now calling one of Johnny's bodyguards.

Her anger was being tabled and I was grateful for it because we had bigger fish to fry.

When we got to the house both Britt and Isaac were asleep, there was only one light on in all the house and it happened to be in the only place I never went.

Nico had hidden the stash on the third floor before we moved in.

Quinn had been the perfect person to guard a stash that she didn't even know about.

Not once had I gone up to the third floor, not trusting myself to be that close to so much cocaine.

I walked up the stairs with Sandra and Carmen behind me. The strain in my back as I climbed up the three flights, reminded me that I hadn't done this much in an eternity and that after this, I seriously needed to rest my body.

But I needed to know that the price on my head and Carmen's was gone, I wasn't sure if she had one, but I wasn't taking any chances.

The three of us could all ID Mr. Evans.

Nico was gone, so it was just down to me and Carmen, she had been through enough, the least that I could do was make sure she was okay.

* * *

When I got up to the third floor, I had to stop at the top to catch my breath. I felt so exhausted.

Sandra had her hand on my lower back, steadying me. I looked back and could see that Carmen was just making it up.

If I was tired, she was probably ready to pass out, but she was still in shock, probably running on adrenaline or grief.

 _"I need you to know that I didn't touch any of this...I had no intention to. I was just holding for Nico and Marco...it was dumb. I know that."_ I said to my sister.

She looked me in the eyes for a long moment and then she leaned in and kissed my face.

_"I'm trusting you."_

_"Thank you...also, Quinn has no idea."_ She looked shocked as I turned and knocked on the door.

The music that had been playing stopped and then the door cracked open.

Q looked at me and then past me, her eyes went wide.

_"Is everything okay, you never come up here, should I worry?"_

_"Always, I need you to let me in and not ask any questions. Do you have a bag you don't care if you get back?"_

Quinn shared a look with Sandra and then started moving, grabbing one of those swag bags from Columbia.

She dumped out the random shit they give out on orientation days and then held it out for me.

_"Does this work?"_

_"Yeah...do you have gloves? My prints are in the system...I don't want to touch that."_

She looked at me weird but then pulled some rubber gloves from her dresser drawer...she blushed, and I did not want to know.

God, I didn't but then she smirked, and I scrunched up my face.

_"Gross...thanks. Wipe down that bag with hand sanitizer...and put some gloves on."_

Carmen was leaning against the wall, watching me and Sandra was slipping on gloves right alongside Quinn.

How much did she think there was?

_"Just tell us where, you should go stand with Carmen...give me the keys."_

She was right.

I opened Quinn's closet door and then went inside, feeling the moldings and the walls until I found the nick, just behind Quinn's luggage.

 _"Here."_ I said to Sandra, as I shifted through the key ring until I found what looked like metal toothpick. I handed it to my sister and then left the closet and stood next to Carmen.

I slipped my hand in hers and then stood there stock still as she rested her head on my shoulder.

_"I've got you, C. You know that, right?"_

_"I don't know anything right now, Santi."_ Her tears soaked my shoulder as I listened to the commotion in the closet.

 _"Unfucking real!"_ Quinn said as she came out with her bag full.

Sandra came out carrying what didn't fit in the bag in her hands.

Carmen and I both sucked in a breath when we saw the pure white brick.

_"San, you two go downstairs and get Carmen something that isn't covered in blood. Don't worry about waking B, those drugs knocked her out cold."_

I nodded my head in response to Quinn's directive and pulled Carmen along with me.

This whole situation was bigger than the both of us and some direction was what Carmen craved...and what I needed in that moment.

* * *

Quinn had been right, when we walked through my bedroom, Britt was drooling on my pillow in her bloody clothes.

 _"One step at a time."_ Carmen said, when she saw what I was looking at.

_"Right."_

I pulled out some of Britt's giant clothes that she like to dance in, knowing that they'd fit Carmen comfortably.

 _"Are you up for a shower?"_ I asked her.

_"Yeah."_

_"Do you need help?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay, come on then."_

I stripped out of my clothes after helping Carmen out of hers. It had been a year since we had been naked together and a year since I even wanted to be.

The blood had soaked through her clothes and was dried onto her baby bump.

When she looked down, she began to cry, and I let her as I got the shower going.

I helped her in and then slowly but surely, I got her clean. She whimpered when the blood was washed away finally.

Seeing her like this, so broken reminded me of the state that Paco had left her in so long ago, only back then she had way more bruises and cuts.

Nico had saved her from a fate worse than death after I introduced them, now he was gone.

My fault.

All of it.

Then I watched her stomach move and she gave a sad smile as she rubbed at the spot.

 _"Hey, bebe."_ She whispered. _"We're okay. Mama's okay."_

 _"What's going on?"_ I heard Britt slur from the other side of the curtain.

I peeked out and saw her leaned against the wall.

_"Hey, B...just helping Carmen get clean."_

_"Okay...Izzy's crying...mmmgotohim."_ Carmen's eyes went wide, knowing that Britt was way too fucked up to be handling a baby.

 _"Go."_ She said, and I climbed out of the shower and wrapped myself in a towel as I followed behind B.

She was still trying to make it to the bedroom door, but I pushed her back and she stumbled onto the bed.

_"Sleep, B. I got him."_

_"But...mmadhga."_ She said and then a second later she was snoring.

As I stepped into the hall, I nearly collided with Quinn.

_"Go get dressed, I've got him. Sandra just finished wrapping everything up. We are going to head to Westchester. I'm gonna get Isaac ready. You handle Carmen."_

_"Thanks Q. I owe you one."_

She stopped in her tracks and glared at me. Her voice cold and her stare 100% HBIC _, "You owe me so much more than one but not now...we will talk tomorrow."_

_"As long as we are still talking, Q...I'm down."_

Isaac was screaming now, so she turned away and went to handle him.

This was my village.

Situation was fucked but still, we were all pitching in.

God still grants miracles, even if they don't feel like them in the moment.

* * *

Sandra packed everyone into the car with her driver and sent them ahead to her house with Quinn in charge.

This drop off was going to be just between the two of us, even if Quinn had been involved in getting it out of the wall.

She wanted answers to all of her questions but Q, has always respected that there is a time and a place for certain conversations, now was obviously not that time so she was putting a pin in it.

That didn't mean though that she wouldn't hound me the first chance that she got.

 _"What about the money?"_ Sandra asked as I drove us to TriBeCa.

_"It's already there...at the penthouse."_

_"How much money?"_

_"Two million cash and my diamond engagement ring from Marco."_

_"How do you know it's still there?"_

_"Nico was using the place as a drop site. It should be cleared out. He was tying up loose ends and selling what was left in the penthouse for Marco. If I had to get the stash that means that Nico was done clearing it out."_

_"And you didn't touch any of this?"_

_"No."_

I parked my car in the garage across the street and then made my way across the street into the building that had been the start of my downward spiral. Just being in the building was enough to make the tremors start.

Sandra held the bag of coke while I just carried the keys.

We stepped into the private elevator, I stuck the key into the port and then hit the buttons.

1-1-2-3

It seemed too easy but that was probably the genius behind it, people looked for complicated, not simple.

The doors closed and the elevator shot up so quickly that I had to grab onto the bar to keep from stumbling over.

Sandra steadied me for a second time that night as the door to Marco's old penthouse opened.

When we stepped out onto the marble, I remembered spitting on this floor and then being met by Marco's fist.

As I walked in, there was no furniture but my mind still remembered nearly overdosing by the fireplace.

Giving blowjobs at one of those fucking Sunday brunches.

Being bent over the dining room table.

I stood there shaking, my arm over my face as I sobbed.

_"Breathe, sis. Tell me where the money is."_

I pointed to the piano...the sole piece of furniture in the room.

 _"The cover."_ I whispered.

She lifted it up and there...just as if it was placed there a moment ago was a duffel bag.

 _"So am I leaving this bag here too?"_ She asked me and I nodded.

I kept waiting for someone to pop out and get us but we'd agreed on a drop the next night...Sandra said it was safer this way and she was right.

Despite my breakdown and each moment feeling like an eternity we were up there and back in the car in a total of ten minutes.

Sandra wanted to drive and because my back was screaming at me to be still, I didn't argue.

* * *

It was nearing 1am when we pulled through the private gates of Sandra's community, I was in and out of sleep and so ready to just go to bed.

Sandra though, seemed wired.

_"Tell me that was the only stash, Santana."_

I shook my head.

_"I can't."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Do you know how much property I own, Sandra?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Let me put it this way, every single one, with the exception of the apartments has a stash because all of them were either owned or purchased during my marriage to Marco."_

_"What about your mom's house?"_

_"Even there."_

_"Why?"_

_"I wish that I knew, sis but if you could find a way to get rid of it all...next time without me involved. Before today, I was content with having a backup plan, even if it was a bad one but now, I just want peace. I just feel like I'm at war with everything in my life and that's no way to live."_

_"Are you serious about that, because I can make that happen, just say the word."_

_"I'm serious and you should know that while you're searching, you need to put your pool house on that list."_ I sighed as I ran my hands over my tired face.

_"Why am I not surprised?"_

_"Because you know me. I don't even know if it's still there. I put it there when I was here last summer...I know you didn't see me but I saw you. I was doing a job in this community and I walked here, trying to escape. You and Johnny looked so happy, having dinner. I didn't want to interrupt...I stashed what I stole from the job and then told Marco that I couldn't work for the guy anymore. I was high when I hid it. I'm sorry and know that if I could take it back, I would."_

She pulled down the driveway, parked the car and then turned it off before she said a word to me.

I expected yelling or at least a reprimand but instead she unbuckled us both and then turned towards me.

 _"Look at me."_ She said.

I turned towards her and could see only love in her eyes.

_"Don't you ever think that you can't come to me. I don't care what is happening in my life, if any of my sisters need me...I'm there. I took an oath to give my life for this country if need be so you can be fucking sure that I would lay down my life for any of you. Sangre is sacred."_

_"You mean that, even after everything?"_

_"Para siempre, Santana. I got you, even when you don't have yourself."_

My sister held me after that, as I wept in her arms, not cursing my hormones for once.

This was no time to be cold or unfeeling.

It had been the worst day and to be ending it knowing that I wasn't a burden to someone meant the world to me.

It had been the worst day and to be ending it knowing that I wasn't a burden to someone meant the world to me.


	14. Space (Phora feat. Breana Marin)

I fell asleep in a small part of the bed next to Britt as she laid comatose in the center. I had tried to nudge her to no avail. I spent the whole night curled up in the fetal position, weeping like a little bitch baby until I fell into a fitful sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night after nearly peeing myself and barely made it to the toilet before my bladder decided it had held in enough, which meant that I ended up cleaning some of the floor and toilet seat before climbing in the shower to rinse off. By the time that I got back to the room, Britt had somehow managed to occupy the middle and the edges of the bed at the same time and I just didn't feel like fighting.

So I walked down to the nursery, climbed into the glider and watched my son sleep until finally, my body gave into sleep.

 _"Ana baby?"_ I felt pain all over as I was shaken awake.

Britt stood above me with her arm in a sling and her hair hanging down around her face looking like an angel.

_"Hey, how are you feeling, B?"_

_"Like shit but I still have to go to work because it's my first day."_

_"You were shot, that's a perfect excuse not to go."_

_"Nah, I want to go in. I don't want to miss anything. Quinn is driving me since I can't drive myself...we are gonna stop by the house. Do you need anything?"_

_"For you guys to come back safely."_

_"We will try. I love you."_ She kissed my forehead and then gave a rub to my little belly. _"I love you too, nugget."_ She said and then walked over to Isaac and kissed him before leaving me alone again.

Even though I ached, I managed to fall back to sleep but it didn't last long because both boys were screaming what felt like seconds later.

Sandra came rushing in and got right to work.

When she saw me stand up, she put Isaac on the changing table for me.

My son was smiling up at me with that gummy smile. I showered him in kisses and he gurgled in excitement, kicking his little feet and fists.

 _"I love you, Papa."_ I whispered to him.

Even tired, I was grateful to be alive to see every moment of him.

I didn't want to miss a thing.

Both exhausted, we stood side by side and took care of our sons.

 _"Did you sleep?"_ She asked me.

_"Just barely, I'm feeling really exhausted and achy today. I think I overdid it yesterday."_

_"I agree, how about today you just stay in bed or maybe down on the couch...if you don't want to be alone that is."_

_"Sure...do you um..._ _Do you think we'll hear from Marco today?"_

_"I hope so...I hate that everything is up in the air."_

_"Me too...I need to check on Carmen once I'm done changing him."_ I said and watched her go stiff and then she looked at me with a sad smile that had my hackles raised. _"What happened?"_

 _"She's not here."_ Sandra said and I froze.

_"What? Why?"_

_"She came to me at dawn and asked me to help her leave without anyone knowing...she doesn't feel safe in New York."_

_"Where is she?"_

_"Away, when things are safer, I'll let you know."_

_"I trust you, sis...it's just...I feel responsible for all of this."_

_"I know you do and that is why she decided to leave before you knew...she can't shoulder your guilt and her grief, it's not fair to her. She needs peace right now and she'll get it where she's going."_

_"Promise me."_

_"I promise. Now...let me take care of you."_

_"How so?"_

_"By keeping you off of your feet all day long, if you need me, just call me."_

_"I only need to be in bed for 8 hours, San."_

_"Yes I get that, but how many hours were you on your feet yesterday?"_

_"I dunno, like 20."_

_"Then you were on your feet enough for two days. Today you rest."_

_"Fine but what about Isaac?"_

_"I will bring him to you throughout the day but only when I know you've rested."_

* * *

I insisted that if I was to rest, I didn't want to be stuck upstairs in the guest room all day long, so Sandra set me up in her family room.

The couches were amazingly fluffy, the tv was gigantic and the bathroom was steps away...not to mention the kitchen being in yelling distance.

She turned on the tv really low and helped get me situated before setting up the bassinet for Isaac, so that I could reach out to him whenever I wanted to.

Once she knew that I was sitting and not close to moving, she headed off to the kitchen to get breakfast going. My stomach was growling like crazy because I hadn't eaten the day before...I never got waffles...I never got lunch because we were at the hospital and then we were doing a drug deal around dinner time, so it had been a full 24 hours since I'd fed myself or this baby.

The stress had distracted me from eating, just like always but once I began to smell all the food that Sandra was cooking, the hunger pains set in.

By the time she put a tray in front of me, I was near tears...again.

_"You okay?"_

_"I didn't eat yesterday."_ I admitted and her eyes got wide.

_"At all?"_

_"No."_

_"Shit...okay, well eat slowly and if you're still hungry after that, I'll get you more food."_

_"Thanks."_

I tore into my food, trying to take it slow but not really able to slow down once I got started.

Sandra came in with a cup of decaf for me and orange juice a few minutes later and I had already nearly finished my plate.

I heard footsteps just as she was about to scold me and then in popped B, smiling at me with a bag over her shoulder and one in her hand.

 _"Oh, you're already eating...um...I'll put this in the fridge then."_ She said holding up a bag from Grey's Papaya.

 _"Aww, B! I love you!"_ I said, my mouth full of food.

 _"Eat, I'll put this away."_ Britt still looked a little dazed but not as bad as yesterday. _"Tony's meeting me at a place close by so we can talk about some ideas, just wanted to make sure you had this."_

 _"She looks pretty good for someone with a new hole in their body."_ Sandra said and then she put her hand on my wrist as I was about to shovel eggs into my semi-full mouth. _"Slow down."_

After a smaller second plate of food, I went to the bathroom and didn't even get nauseous, it was a welcome feeling actually keeping food down.

 _"Thanks baby bear."_ I said to my little belly as I rubbed it.

Not long after that, I fell into a food coma as I tried and failed to keep my eyes open while watching tv.

When I woke up again it was to the bassinet being closer and to beautiful blue eyes looking up at me.

Isaac was staring up at me and when I looked into his eyes, it was almost like looking into Ian's eyes. It made me tear up and I quickly wiped away the useless emotions.

So much had happened since Ian died, how quickly had I been able to swallow down all my grief?

Now I had more.

How would Carmen deal with this? Ian had at least gotten to see Isaac but Nico...

My fault.

Would never get to see his baby look at him with so much love.

My fault.

Those eyes were so bright and I couldn't fight back the tears as I smiled at my baby boy.

 _"I miss your godfather so bad! Your Dada."_ Isaac gurgled and started babbling incoherently. _"I still can't believe that he's gone. We will be just fine though all four of us...me and you and mama and the new baby. Just fine I promise."_

I laid on my side with my back to the door as I murmured stories about Ian to his son. He was looking at me with sleepy eyes but he seemed to be paying attention to what I was saying. I traced my fingers over his face and cooed to him, enjoying that little smile he always gave me.

Isaac's babbling was quickly turning into that quiet murmuring he does when he's sleepy. Even though, I shouldn't have, I pulled him onto my chest. I rubbed his back and sung to him. I learned quickly that my voice soothes him above anything else. So I began to sing Songbird to him.

It made me happy that he trusted me so completely with his comfort. His breathing slowed and he soon fell asleep. I ran my fingers through his black curls over and over again. I felt my eyes start to droop and decided that maybe I should lay Isaac down next to me. I turned to my side and laid him on his back. Then I blocked him onto the couch with a pillow before following him into sleep.

* * *

I woke up a while later to Britt standing over the couch with her phone. She smiled as she took pictures of me and Isaac. I looked down and saw that Isaac was cuddled against my baby bump still asleep.

 _"When did you get here?"_ I whispered.

_"Just a few minutes ago. I was about to go get a bottle for him and warm up your food. Are you hungry? It's been a few hours."_

_"Starving."_ I said honestly.

 _"Ok, I'll be right back."_ she smirked and then left me alone in the room again. I was wide awake now so I pulled myself into a sitting position and lifted Isaac onto my lap.

That small action sent shooting pains down my back and I let out a low groan. It was then that I realized how serious the doctor was when she told me not to lift anything. Britt of course chose that moment to walk into the room, so I wasn't even able to hide the pain.

 _"Are you alright baby?"_ Britt came rushing over to me while carrying a plate in her good hand. I tried to push my pain away and force a smile but she wasn't buying it. I watched as she quickly put the plate down and stood next to me and began to rub my back.

 _"I'm okay, B, really."_ I said as I ran my hand through Isaac's hair again as he looked up at me silently.

No crying or anything, just watchful like me.

_"You overdid it when you picked him up, didn't you?"_

It felt silly that I had felt the need to keep the pain from her, what an insanely vicious cycle.

 _"Yea...kind of."_ I muttered as I looked down at my sleeping baby.

_"Eat your food."_

I moved Isaac between us on the couch and began to chomp down on the best hot dogs ever.

Britt was leaned over, talking to Isaac low enough that I couldn't hear her.

He let out a squeal and I nearly choked but then Britt laughed. When she looked up at me, I could see that Isaac had her hair in his fist and was wide awake and smiling.

When I finished my food, I sat back feeling ridiculously satisfied.

Who knew that food was a thing you could love?

_"I'm going to feed him, okay? Do you mind helping me and from the looks of it, you could stand to stretch. You keep flinching. I think it would be good for you to get up and walk around a little."_

_"Sure, B."_ I still got a chill when she took charge. This divorce was going to suck. _"It's not going to be too much to carry him?"_

_"Nah, he's super light, you just need to put him in my arms and give me the bottle, it's in my pocket, once he's in my arms, I need you to grab it for me."_

I nodded and then held out my arms so that she could take Isaac, look how far we had come in a day and a half!

Even with the sling, she managed to get him settled in the crook of her arm with minimal effort. I dug the bottle out of her pocket, popped the top off and put it in her sling hand.

She successfully got the bottle in his mouth, once he was tucked against her chest she turned around. _"Use my hips to help yourself up."_

_"B...are you sure this isn't too much stress on your body?"_

_"Positive."_ I placed my hands on her hips and slowly pulled myself to my feet.

The shooting pains were beginning to dull but I was glad to have Britt to lean on, since I felt unsteady.

_"You good?"_

_"I'm okay, my legs just felt a little like electrified jello for a moment there, but I'm fine now."_

_"Ouch, I feel like that after a really long dance session, just keep your hands on my hips and walk with me while I feed Izzy."_

_"Thanks for this, B."_

_"No problem baby mama."_ She chuckled...something about her was different but I just chalked it up to the pain meds and the fact that she got shot yesterday.

What is this life?

I shuffled behind her and stuck my hands in the front pocket of her jeans. I could feel my belly touch her back as I leaned into her, resting my head on her good shoulder.

She sighed softly when I touched her and I knew that she was thinking pleasant thoughts about us and it made me feel good that my touch was doing that for her again even if I had no intention of taking it further.

Britt waited until I was situated securely behind her and she slowly began to walk out the room and down the hallway.

* * *

_"So, B, how did your time with Tony go?"_

_"Oh, it went great! I really like him. He has been trying to get on Broadway for seven years."_

_"Wow and you walked right in there and nailed it on your first try. I'm so proud of you, B."_ I mumbled into her back, taking deep breaths as I focused on my footsteps.

_"Yea me too, I'm proud that I could do that. I didn't think that I would ever be doing something like this, especially injured, this morning I didn't think it was even possible to dance like this but I did and my bosses were impressed. I'm really excited about it. It's going to be a lot of hard work but at least I won't have to go so far away to live out my dreams."_

_"That's the best part! Now I can be your personal cheerleader and I can be a part of your dream."_ Britt stopped as we approached the end of the long hallway. I was expecting her to say something or do something but she just stood there looking at the wall. _"B, did I say something wrong?"_

_"No. It's just that...Ana, you are my biggest dream of all. I was stupid to think that making my dreams come true without you by my side would be enough. I belong wherever you are, I know that now."_

I kissed her on her back just below her neck and smiled to myself.

 _"Promise?"_ I whispered.

 _"Yes...I promise, with all my heart!"_ she said before clearing her throat and turning us in the opposite direction.

 _"Is this because of yesterday?"_ I asked once we started we started walking towards the dining room.

_"A little bit. When I was laying there after I got hit, I kept asking Ari where you were. You were all I cared about, not me but you."_

_"I saw everything on the monitors, everyone was moving around but you and I got so freaked that I threw up. I started to panic just thinking that I'd lost you."_

_"Yeah, it was so scary thinking I'd never see you smile at me again. I know that we're divorced now but I want you to know that I still want to be with you, just you."_ B said sounding like she was going to cry.

_"You've said that before though."_

_"But I mean it this time. There's no one else for me."_

_"I want to believe that, B, but what happens when you heal and the feeling of a near death experience goes away? You've said and done some harsh shit to me, I can't just forget that."_

_"Let me prove to you that I can be better."_

I kissed her nape of her neck again but didn't say another word.

We walked a bit more and then we were back in the family room and I was sitting on the couch again. There was a tension between us now and it was all on me.

My fault.

She placed Isaac in the bassinet and then began to change him, slowly. It was insane to see her be such a boss at using just one hand.

When she is present in the moment, she's an amazing mom and I want to be just like her.

Even though she was smiling at him and making faces, there was a sadness floating around her and I could tell my lack of response was getting to her.

_"B?"_

_"Hmm?"_ She wouldn't look at me.

_"I just need space right now, I gotta make my own moves and so do you. I'm here to support you but I can't commit to more than that."_

_"I get it...I'm not stupid."_

_"Hey, I didn't say you were."_

_"Just drop it...please?"_

My fault.

* * *

After our awkward exchange, we sat in the family room with snacks, watching Sweet Valley High and then Frozen.

I'd slept so much that it was no wonder that I was wired while after only a few minutes Britt passed out on the other end of the couch, with her mouth open and drool on her bottom lip.

God how I loved this giant dork.

I just couldn't give in so easily. I needed to know that our love was going to last the next time we tried to make a go at it.

Sandra came into the room with little Johnny and sat down in the dip right next to me. I could tell that she had something to say and my stomach tied itself up in anticipation.

 _"You heard from him?"_ I asked quietly, not wanting to wake Britt, she didn't know anything about yesterday and I didn't want to have to discuss anything with her...not right now.

_"I did, through Sal. The drop went well, with Nico gone, everyone is going underground. They're looking for Carmen because she has Nico's books apparently. It was smart for her to leave when she did. She was right, Nico was a ghost. Those videos of the diner don't exist. Did you leave the diner before or after them?"_

_"Before."_

_"There's no trace of him, no id...no one claimed him."_

_"What about Mr. Evans?"_

_"He's in jail, he was identifiable by more than one witness. Not even the workers at the diner are claiming that it was Nico that was shot. It's so odd but you're safe and so is Britt and Isaac."_

_"For how long, I mean, the police took my statement. Is someone going to finish me off?"_ Britt's voice was scratchy but clear.

We both looked at her and I could see that she was clearly paying attention.

_"How much did you hear, B?"_

_"Everything. I had a feeling that this had to do with Marco in some way. What did I miss last night?"_

I sat there silently as Sandra filled Britt in on everything. When she got to the part about all the cocaine that was stashed in our house, Britt stared at me with murder in her eyes. Gone was the sweet woman who wanted me back, no this was Britt at her angriest but I could tell that she was holding back from exploding but her eyes were staring into mine and I couldn't look away.

_"I'm sorry about all of this, B."_

_"Sorry doesn't fix anything, Santana. I need to um...go."_ She got up from the couch and left us there without another word and I didn't blame her.

_"Can you watch him a sec, I need to talk to her one on one?"_

_"Sure, take your time and take it easy."_ She'd come a long way from a week ago when she wanted to rip off Britt's head.

_"Thanks."_

I pushed up from the couch and saw Britt grabbing her car keys.

 _"Where are you going? You shouldn't be driving."_ I said to her as I followed her out of the house in my slippers.

 _"I need to get away from here!"_ She turned back towards me, looking like every movement was hurting her.

I held out my hand.

_"At least let me drive you wherever it is."_

_"And if I want to drive all the way to Lima?"_

_"Then you'll let me pack a bag at least."_

_"Fine...hurry up, I'll wait for you."_ She said leaning against the car, keys still in her hand.

_"Do I look stupid to you? I have my extra license in the car, we can go just like this."_

She balked but then nodded and unlocked the car before climbing into the passenger seat. _"Okay, fine. Come on."_

I walked around and climbed in the driver seat, my back ached so even though it was the last week in August, I turned on the seat warmers after starting up the car.

She looked over at me and I looked back at her. It pained me that she was looking at me with watery eyes. I opened my arms for her and then she leaned into my embrace, even if it was hesitant. I hadn't held her in a very long time so I knew that this meant a lot to her. She rested her hand against my little baby bump and I laid my hand on top of hers. I wanted her to feel all the love that I had to offer.

I wanted to be her peace.

* * *

 _"Britt Britt, I need you to understand something...this is really important. Are you listening?"_ She sat up and turned in her seat, using her good hand to rest on my stomach, she smiled when she felt the growth of my little belly.

 _"Okay...I'm listening."_ B mumbled more to my belly than to me which was okay. I brought my hand up and brushed hair from her eyes.

 _"Look at me for a second?"_ She lifted her eyes up and looked at me, her eyes still watery and hard.

After yesterday and her convo with me this afternoon, coupled with her learning that I was still hiding shit, I needed to give her some hope.

_"You are the most amazing woman that I have ever met. You are everything that is good and decent in this world. You are smart and beautiful. When you dance it's like the heavens are opening. I love you wholly and completely. It's my dream come true to build a future with you. I know that we made a shit load of mistakes but we can be better. We can make everything work again one day, I have so much faith in us...do you?"_

_"I want all that but then...I thought you were done hiding drugs."_

_"In my defense-"_ I began to say but then I saw that angry look again. _"You're right...shit...I know that. There's so much that I got wrapped up in when I was here with Marco. It's hard to keep it all straight. I can promise you though that I never touched those drugs. That's why I never went to the third floor. I needed to give myself a boundary."_

_"A good boundary would be no cocaine at all."_

_"I know, I'm so fucking sorry. You have to know that I am."_

_"Is there more?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"Where is it?"_

_"Everywhere and I was honest with Sandra about that. I asked her to sweep all of the properties and get rid of it."_

_"You did?"_ She looked surprised.

_"I did and I plan to stay right in this house until it happens, I need to trust myself and be trusted, that means that I have to start getting rid of my secrets. That's why I need this space, B. I need to know that when when we come back together we are each other's 80."_

_"Wait, am I not yours?"_

I swallowed back my fear and shook my head.

 _"No."_ She tried to pull away but I wouldn't let her, I grabbed her hand and kept her still. _"There's no one else, B. Always and only you but I think I realized a while back that my 80 is cocaine. It's why I keep fucking things up and I don't want things to be like that anymore."_

_"You really mean that?"_

_"I really, really do. I want us to make this relationship work in whatever way we can. I want you to live out_ _your_ _dreams and I want us to find our place in this world together."_

_"I want that too."_

* * *

Britt and I went back into the house together, pinkies linked, recommitted to working through our shit in a healthy way.

There was still something off about her but I couldn't quite place it.

I felt paranoid but she hadn't given me reason to be.

Maybe that was just my default after everything.

That night, after dinner and Isaac being bathed and rocked to sleep, Britt and I went to the guest room together and the moment the door was closed, I rounded on her.

 _"Kiss me, B."_ I said as I leaned into her, the sling was the only thing between us. She was looking at me like I had lost my mind.

_"What...kiss you?"_

_"Please?"_

_"You're sending so many mixed signals."_

_"I just...fuck...I don't want anyone else, B but I feel like lonely and horny."_

_"Your needs again?"_

_"Yes."_

She leaned forward and kissed my forehead, then my nose...and then she lingered a breath away from my lips.

 _"We can't."_ She whispered and then masterfully, she stepped around me and went into the bathroom.

 _"Fuck!"_ I grumbled and stormed into the bathroom behind her, watching as she tried to squeeze toothpaste onto her toothbrush with one hand. It would have been amusing if the injury hadn't been because she'd been shot. I moved over to her side and held her toothbrush for her.

She looked at me with sad eyes and then whispered, _"Thanks."_

_"I'm sorry, B."_

_"Stop being sorry."_ She muttered and then she began to brush, thankfully she had her dominant hand working just fine. I'd been in her shoes though, stuck using one hand to do all your functional things.

And then I thought of how that happened, I had punched a mirror.

I reached up and brushed my finger over the faint scar above her eye.

_"I can't help but apologize when all your scars come from me or something to do with me."_

She flinched when I touched her but she didn't fully pull away.

I leaned against her and then grabbed my own toothbrush.

We were domestic sometimes and it was fucking charming.

Thankfully when we climbed in bed, she didn't take it over like the night before and I was able to stretch out.

She leaned into me and in minutes she was asleep but I was still awake.

And then I was feeling nauseous.

But I stayed put...for one hour...then two...then my bladder was ready to burst and my back ached.

I slid from the bed, feeling like I might faint but just chalked it up to being tired.

Once I was in the bathroom, I locked the door and then sunk to my knees. That nauseous feeling was making me feel like I was seasick, so I shoved my fingers to the back of my throat.

The gag was loud and so was the sound of all the food that followed.

God I had tried so hard...I felt disgusting...there was more, so I did it again.

This time the gagging was harsh and the only thing that came up was burning stomach bile. The nausea finally subsided and I slowly got to my feet and drank down fist fulls of water, knowing that overfilling my quaking stomach was going to do just what I needed. I made it back to the toilet and the water mixed with bile came right back up with minimal effort.

I flushed and then sat on the toilet, finally ready to empty my bladder.

The exhaustion was taking over and I could feel myself drifting between wakefulness and sleep.

I startled when the door knob jiggled.

_"Ana baby? Are you okay in there? Why is the door locked?"_

Those words brought me back to myself, back to a time where I was dumb enough to compromise my baby, my marriage and my life for a good high. Back to when I promised that while she was in the next room, I would never lock a door between us.

Things were different now, I was sober and even if now we were working on fixing other things, we were still divorced.

 _"Ana?"_ I had drifted off again until I heard her voice beginning to sound a little frantic. I wiped myself, then stood up and unlocked the door before walking over to the sink to wash my hands.

I looked at my reflection and saw the sweat on my brow and the meat under my skin, the fat that filled my cheeks would usually disgust me but throwing up hadn't been about weight...not this time. Most days I feel really fat and gross but in that moment I felt radiant.

Thankfully.

 _"You are so beautiful."_ I heard Britt's voice again, this time from right behind me. I looked over to see that she stood in the doorway smiling sweetly at me. _"Come back to bed."_

I nodded and walked over to her, wanting so badly to kiss her but not wanting to be rejected again.

When we climbed into the bed and got under the covers I snuggled into Britt's side and laid my head on her chest. It was my favorite non sexual position. I listened to her heart beat and fell asleep to the sweetest humming, I could imagine, grateful that God had let me keep her a little longer.

In the moments when B and I allow all the extra drama to fade away, I am able to truly appreciate our love.

* * *

I woke up to Isaac babbling in his crib and to the monitor crackling as Britt talked to him.

_"Okay, Izzy...be a good boy for Mami today. Titi Sandra is going to look after you today so that Mami can get some extra rest. I will be home for lunch! Mama loves you!"_

I heard the soft thumping of his sound machine and then the door creaking shut.

A few seconds later the door to our bedroom creaked open and I closed my eyes trying my best to pretend that I was still asleep. I felt the bed dip and then my head was being lifted up and even then I pretended I was asleep.

 _"Quinn is right, you are such a bad faker! You know you mumble constantly in your sleep and then you snore a little too!"_ My eyes flew open.

 _"I do not snore!"_ I whined.

 _"I know...but you do mumble. Good morning Ana."_ She said before planting a big sloppy kiss on my lips. I was grinning fool to have finally felt her lips on mine again. _"Sandra is letting me use one of her drivers since I can't take myself. It's gonna be so cool. I will see you in a few hours. Wish me luck!"_

_"You don't need it, B. You dance better than you walk. This is going to be easy."_

_"I know but I didn't want to sound stuck up."_ she grinned as she kissed my forehead. I pulled her down and snuggled into her again for another moment. I giggled as she peppered my face with more kisses and then pulled away. _"Okay, I gotta go now or I may never leave!"_

 _"Knock em dead B!"_ I shouted after her, she abruptly turned to look at me and I could see that her face was scrunched up in mock horror.

 _"Why would I do that, that's just cruel."_ she chuckled.

_"Hey...did you take your meds?"_

_"Yup! Set an alarm on my phone. Te amo!"_

_"Hasta luego, B! Te quiero tanto!"_ I said blowing her a kiss. She caught it and put in her bra, then winked before closing the door.

God, I loved her like this!

* * *

I fell asleep soon after B left but wasn't able to stay that way for long because my phone started ringing. I ignored it both times that it rang hoping that they would get the point but the moment that I started to doze off, it rang again. _"What the fuck!"_ I moaned and then I grabbed my phone and brought it under the covers with me.

 _"Yes!"_ I grumbled into the phone.

_"Santana? I waited as late as I could. I know you aren't a morning person but this can't wait any longer...I really wish you wouldn't brush me off."_

_"I'm not brushing you off, I'm just busy, Sal."_

_"Too busy to talk to the person that you pay a hefty fee?"_

_"Hefty? Are you raising your rates?"_

_"Honestly, Santana, the more you ignore me...the more I'm tempted to do just that."_

_"Ugh! Can I call you right back? I'm pregnant and I need to...you know, do some things."_

_"Okay fine, but this is insanely important I need you to assure me that you will call me right back."_

_"I will. Just let me wake up properly, please?"_

_"Great. I look forward to hearing from you shortly."_

_"Yeah yeah."_ I said as I canceled the call and tossed the phone.

I climbed out of bed and trudged into the bathroom feeling bitter and hateful. Even though I had been wide awake when B had left, now after two hours of sleeping I was groggy and cranky. I quickly went through my morning routine and then put my hair up. Something about my old regulation ponytail calmed me down when I was nervous. I hated these kind of phone calls, they always ended up fucking up my day.

Then I thought about how I'd blown Sal off the day before and he had known about the potential hit.

He could have warned me.

Nico could still be alive.

Carmen wouldn't be a widow.

Their kid wouldn't be fatherless.

Britt wouldn't have a hole in her fucking shoulder.

My fault.

Sal may think I'm going to brush him off but I have learned my lesson.

With my game face on, I picked my phone back up, said a quick prayer and did the last thing I felt like doing.

* * *

_"You actually called me back."_

_"I told you that I would. I like to believe that I am a woman of my word. These days at least."_ I sat cross legged on bed and tried to channel some good vibes but it was fruitless.

Whatever Sal had to say was going to suck, that was just his job to be my person grim reaper.

_"That's good to hear."_

_"So Salvatore tell me why you are calling me."_

_"Wow, you are just like your father getting right down to business. I like that about you, you don't waste my time once I can actually get you on the phone."_

_"Aw thanks...now come on. Don't stress me out unnecessarily."_

_"Before I continue, I want to make sure that Sandra conveyed the message that everything is in the clear as far as Marco is concerned?"_

_"She did. Thank you for doing what you could."_

_"I wish I could have done more. Sadly, things took a turn before I could do much."_

_"Well...we can't put the toothpaste back in the tube...let's just move on. Okay?"_

_"Okay. I had a talk with Hector this morning."_ He cleared his throat but I cut him off before he continue, annoyed with the sound but too anxious to comment on that.

_"As in my Padrino, Hector Rivera?"_

_"Yes. His officers made two arrests last night. Megan Perkins and Thomas Flanagan. Ingrid has been placed in foster care pending a hearing."_

My heart dropped.

Please God, let her be okay!

_"Um, ok I can understand why they would arrest Ian's creepy rapist of an uncle but why his mom?"_

I heard Sal sigh and then he cleared his throat again, I could tell that he probably was resting his hand against his temple. He sounded tired and frustrated.

_"At the funeral you gave Ingrid a note from Ian, correct?"_

_"Yes. That was two week ago, though does it matter?"_

_"Mrs. Perkins found it last night and physically assaulted Ingrid breaking her arm and a few ribs in the process. She then left her daughter there and went to church. Sadly, after Ingrid was left alone, broken and bleeding, her uncle sexually assaulted her. She thankfully managed to get away before her mother came home. She stumbled into Breadstix so that someone could call the police...she didn't trust the neighbors to call anyone so she walked the two blocks to the restaurant and passed out in the reception area."_

I sat there with tears dripping down my face. Un fucking believable!

_"Is she going to be okay? Fuck! Of course not who would be! Shit!"_

_"The doctors say she is going to make a full physical recovery. Her mental state though...will probably suffer."  
_

_"Fuck!"_ all I could think about was her sweet face.

_"Santana, back to the business at hand, have you opened the letter from Ian?"_

_"Shit! I totally got so wrapped up in everything else that I completely forgot. Wait...what does that have to do with anything? What does this all have to do with me?"_

My heart was racing.

_"I think you should read that letter to see if there's any mention of this abuse, the case will need everything that we can use to nail these assholes to the wall. I have a call to make. Give me a call back after you've read it then we can go from there."_

* * *

I nodded and hung up the phone feeling so erratic. My emotions were all over the place as I furiously texted B.

**_When can you come home?-Ana_ **

_**Her response was immediate even though she was working.** _

**_Is evrytng ok?-B_ **

**_I'm not sure...-Ana_ **

**_I gt out erly 2dy, ws grbbn hot choc. w/ Tony and driver. Do u need me? Did u eat?-B_ **

**_Yes, I need you. No I didn't eat. Call me if you can?-Ana_ **

No sooner had I sent the text, my phone started to ringing. I was so happy when I saw her silly picture appear, it warmed my heart and calmed me just a fraction.

 _"What's wrong?"_ She sounded worried. To make matters worse _,_ I began sobbing the moment that I heard her voice. _"Ana what is it? Are you okay? Is it Isaac? You're scaring me."_

_"Can you come back please?"_

_"I'm on my way. Are you hungry?"_

_"I-I don't know...I guess."_

_"Okay, I'll get you something."_

_"Thanks, B."_

_"I'll be there in about twenty minutes."_

_"Okay!"_ I sniffled as I hung up.

I climbed from the bed and them remembered and ran back. My back began to throb, Shit!

_"B?"_

_"Ana, I'm in the car, I'm coming."_

_"I need you to stop at home."_

_"At the house? What? Ana we were headed onto the bridge. Hold on a sec."_ She said something to the driver and then he cursed and I could hear the screeching of tires. _"Okay baby, we are turning around and heading_ _towards the house...what do you need?"_

_"Go into my carry-on and look for the envelope addressed to me. It says either Santana or Mami...not sure which right now. It's Ian's suicide note and the lock box. Bring those to me. Please."_

_"Um...okay wow. Anything else?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Ok, anything else."_

_"Greys...more hot dogs."_

_"Ok, you got it. I'll be there soon. I love you!"_

_"I love you too, B!"_

* * *

While I waited for Britt I got a quick shower and then headed down the hallway to see my son, hoping that holding him would make me feel better. When I entered the room I saw that Sandra sat in her glider holding Isaac while giving him a breathing treatment.

Really? Why now on top of everything else?

He hadn't needed one since he got home.

_"Oh no, what happened?"_

_"I took the boys out for a walk. When we got back Isaac was wheezing and coughing. I didn't want to bother you...so I am taking care of it."_

_"You don't have to do that San...he's my son."_

_"And my nephew. You are dealing with your own stuff so that you can be the best and healthiest mom to him. Johnny and I agreed that we would help you look after Isaac while you and Brittany figured your stuff out. I meant it. If this is what it takes for you to get it together without turning to drugs and alcohol then I will do what I can. You would do the same for me, right?"_

_"Yeah, I would."_

_"Good...now go wait for Britt. She called me frantic...asking me to check on you. You were in the shower, I see that you are able to walk and not bleeding to death. So go wait for her, she's on her way."_

I leaned in and kissed my boy and then kissed my sister on the cheek.

 _"Ok, Papa, Mami will be back in a little bit. I love you."_ he opened his drowsy eyes for a second, looked at me with Ian's eyes and then closed them again.

I felt like someone squeezed my heart.

As I walked back to my room I heard screeching tires from outside.

Britt was here.

I waited for her at the top of the stairs. My heart was racing, reminding me of my first high. I tried to take deep breaths but the panic attack was hitting me hard. I held onto the railing and pushed through the pain in my chest. My back was screaming at me to sit but I just closed my eyes and tried humming...something Q had taught me to do. It was beginning to work as I heard sneakers pounding up the stairs and thankfully the blackness that almost claimed me was fading.

 _"Are you okay?"_ Britt asked as she looked at me with wild eyes.

I leaned against her chest and began sobbing.

She put the bag of food on the floor and pulled me against her, rubbing at my back until I could breathe again.

Once I got my shit together, I took a step back and nodded.

_"Yeah, I'm just feeling overwhelmed."_

_"I can see that...what's going on?"_

_"Sal called. Something really bad happened."_


	15. Idle Worship (Paramore)

I sat on the edge of the bed as I watched Britt change the bandage on her shoulder, her face was twisted in concentration while she took her time to put on new ointment and then gauze before a waterproof bandage.

The skin around her stitches was purple and I could tell from the way that she softly touched the area around it that she was still in a lot of pain.

We'd gone from the top of the steps to the room and that's when I had pointed out to her that she bleeding a bit. She admitted that she overdid it this morning while trying out some new moves with Tony.

_"I don't get why your bosses and Tony are insisting that you still dance when you have a bullet wound. It doesn't make any sense."_

_"They did try to get me to take a few days off but I wanted this job and I want to dance, Ana. I don't want anything to slow me down."_

She had a determined look in her eyes and I knew that she'd push herself but it would only make things worse.

_"B, if that gets infected then it will take longer to heal. You should give it just a couple of days, you'll feel better."_

_"Stop it, Santana, I don't want your advice!"_ She whirled around and was glaring at me all red faced and shit. _"If it wasn't for you..."_ She started to say but then I threw up my hands and leveled a glare at her, she just looked away again, not bothering to finish her thought.

_"I know this is my fault, okay...Nico is dead because of me. I have been carrying that for days, don't think that I don't know how this is all on me. I am well aware of what I've done, so just, calm your tits. I was only trying to help because I care about you."_

_"Just...can you just tell me why you needed me to practically fly here and stop worrying about what I should and shouldn't be doing."_ She turned back around and stared at her bandage in the mirror for a long moment before pulling her shirt back on.

 _"But B-"_ I started.

 _"Please?"_ She said, her voice sounding like it was going to break at any second.

So I filled her in on my call with Sal and watched as her attitude changed from snappy to sad. I sat on the edge of the bed, my hands cradling my little bump as I looked up at her. She hadn't met Tor, not really but knowing who she was and that she was so young made my old Britt Britt appear.

_"I wonder if my sister knows her. Oh God, can you imagine if it was my sister? What can we do? What does Sal need from you?"_

_"He asked me to read the suicide note and see if anything was said that could get both of them put away for a long time. Only, I haven't read that note yet and the thought of it makes me sick with anxiety. I know I shouldn't be relying on you to hold me up but you are my best friend and you have always held me up...I guess...I just needed it one more time. I'm sorry that I fucked up your day...I just...I needed you, B. Better to lean on you than other things...right?"_

I was laying the guilt trip on thick, she'd always boasted that if I needed her, that she'd be there.

Now I was calling her bluff but just like always, she rose to the occasion, even if she didn't want to.

_"Okay, so you worry about eating and I'm going to check on Isaac. I need a breather from you and us. I need to call my sister. So eat and I'll be right back."_

I wanted to put up more of a fight but like Mami always says, sometimes you just have to know when to pick your battles. Fights with Britt were low on my list of priorities, right now I needed to remember that there was a possibility I could help make sure that Tor never had to go through this kind of pain again.

She was more important.

My stomach growled and I knew...this baby was also way more important than my temporary drama with B.

I was divorced, I couldn't rule Britt's life and I couldn't let her make me feel guilty anymore.

Old habits would be tough to break and I just wanted to be there for her but I could see it in her eyes, she was at war. She wanted to hate me for getting shot and while I could totally carry the blame for sending Nico to his death, I didn't feel so responsible for her getting shot.

Just like Carmen couldn't carry my grief and hurt, I couldn't carry Britt's.

It wasn't fair to me or this baby.

Be selfish, Lopez.

Her dismissal of me had given me just the permission that I needed.

Say less, B...say less.

* * *

At first, I was going to ask her to sit with me while I read the suicide note but that would be too domestic. I had to suck this up and do it on my own. So I took a giant bite out of a hot dog, taking my time to chew and swallow before walking over to the room door and locking it.

Fuck her.

I took a deep breath and picked up the wrinkled envelope.

Here goes nothing.

My hands shook as I looked down at his precise handwriting with watery eyes.

_"I miss you, Papa Bear."_

**_Hi Baby Mami,_ **

**_I know you're pissed about this and I wish that I could be there for you to curse out but I was ready. Everything hurt all the time and that's no way to live. You have fought so hard for your life this last year and here I am throwing mine away. Despite all that anger and sadness, I know without a shadow of doubt that you are going to love me and honor me through my son. Isaac is our perfect thing and I know you'll do right by him and this new little squish. Forever you will be the love of my life._ **

**_No one will be better for you than me. I'm sure of it, at least when I see you with Brittany. She's so unworthy of you at this moment in time, I pray that changes but I fear that it won't. If it works out, you make sure that she is worthy of you at all times because the moment you get comfortable, she'll break you again._ **

**_I know it._ **

**_Stay clean, please? If you can do nothing else, do that. You deserve to live a long life and I will do what I can to make sure that happens from the other side. I swear to you! There's so much that is going to go unsaid between us and I'm sorry for that. I couldn't go to New York, no matter how laid out your best plans were, it couldn't work, not when there is so much going on here in Lima._ **

_**I have a sister, I don't think I ever told you that. She's so precious and pure. She loves SO big and feels so much, she reminds me a lot of you. If I had left her here, I would have been tormented by the possibility that she'd be raped and beaten like I have been for years. I know you're thinking, good job dumbass now you've gone and left her in the most permanent way. You see though, I haven't. My death will make the monsters come out into the light.** _

**_I just hope it's not in vain._ **

**_My love for you felt pointless but my love for her will reach me wherever I go on the other side of this bullet. About that, you left your gun in the car, well your father's gun and it felt like a sign. It felt like fate had laid a hand and opened the door for me to do this. So thank you._ **

I sobbed as I read that part.

My gun.

Fuck.

My fault.

**_When you love someone enough that you are willing to do anything for them it gets dangerous when it isn't returned, you get reckless. I got in so many fights with my mother after you left. She wants to take Isaac away from you and the new baby too. She has it all planned out...don't trust her. When my dad died I was a kid still and my mom was pregnant with my brother Ivan...he was still born. She lost her mind after that, I reminded her of what she lost and so I had to move in_ _with my Da when my mom kept beating me for not being my Ivan. She nearly killed me more than once._ **

**_When I went to live in Chicago she took up with Thomas...she made me call him uncle. She had Ingrid (Tori) with him. He is a basket case and has been after Tori since she learned to walk but he was waiting for her to hit puberty. He openly admitted it to me one night as he had me bent over and was raping me. He's disgusting and perverted._ **

**_When Da died I was forced to move back with my mom...Tori was 8. I protect her the best I can. Tori got her period a few months ago and I know that bastard is going to go for her. I would rather die than see her be hurt. This is why I couldn't move to New York. If I kill myself there is a greater chance to save her. I know that you are smart enough to know though that this isn't my only reason. I just couldn't bear life anymore. My mind is too dangerous...I need to be free, to be at peace. Just save my sister...please. Let her be there for the kids...for you. Save her from a fate worse than death._ **

**_I started laying plans, I took her to practices with me, let her meet Sue. I think Sue saw the hurt in us and she offered to help and I believe that if asked, she'd take my sister in. I know that you can make that happen, you are capable of anything you set your mind to. I know that._ **

**_No matter how beaten down you get, know that your potential is infinite. Do NOT box yourself in according to what everyone assumes of you, my love, you are the greatest soul in this life. That's the reason that people with broken souls latch onto you. Take time to yourself. Be selfish and selfless, never one without the other._ **

**_If Britt or anyone hurts you, leave. Despite how you were conditioned, you DO NOT deserve to be disrespected or beat down. As Gladys likes to say, the devil isn't ugly. You've got some pretty devil's Santana, don't let them drag you down._ **

**_Please keep my mom away from your kids, your home, and anything that is rightfully yours. I leave Isaac my lockbox, it's passcode is his birthday. Everything in there is for him._ ** **_When I go, please still love me. please pray for me._ **

**_You are going to be amazing as a lawyer and a mom, don't give up on your dreams, even for your wife. Love Brittany with your all and maybe someday she will deserve you. Most of all love the life we created and the one that I claimed as mine. Even with me gone, let them love me in spirit. Keep them happy and safe and if it's a boy...name him for my Da...it was his dying wish and now it is mine. Name him Daniel. I love you always...simply and truly only you Mami and I wouldn't have it any other way. Peace be with you all the days of your long life!_ **

**_Te amo, Papa Bear_ **

* * *

My body was stone as I sat there going over everything. I'd let that woman touch my son. I'd let her take the cufflinks. I'd left Tor at the mercy of those monsters and I needed to do everything in my power to fix it.

A knock sounded on the door and then the jiggle of the handle. _"Ana? We agreed...no locked doors."_

 _"I needed time and space from you, from us."_ I said parroting back her words to her.

Britt growled in frustration and then kicked the door.

 _"Don't be a bitch."_ She growled and I knew right then that Ian was more than right to call out Britt.

_"Take your meds, B. Your asshole is showing."_

With that I walked away from the door and looked down at my phone, scrolling to the S section.

Salvatore

Sandra

Sue

In that order looked back up at me and I scrolled to that last name.

 _"Sandbags!"_ Was her immediate response.

_"Shut it, Sue. This is important."_

_"Is that how I raised you?"_ She scoffed but I could tell I got her attention, _"What is it?"_

_"I'm going to read you something that Ian wrote in his suicide note."_

_"Okay, shoot."_

I shivered at the thought of Ian dying from a fatal shot from my gun.

There was so much to atone for.

With a more steady hand, I picked up the note and read to my old cheer coach and then I listened to the silence on the other end.

There was shuffling papers and throat clearing, so I just had to be straight with her.

_"The worst scenario is happening coach. You always taught me to be realistic about what was a limitation and what was an excuse. If I could take her, I would but we both know that I'm in no place to do so. I am limited by this addiction and by so many other things. With you she'll thrive, I know it."_

_"You don't need to convince me. Who do I need to talk to? I'll pick her up myself."_

_"My godfather, the captain is a good place to start. Also, I'm going to give you the name and number of my lawyer."_

_"Sal and I go way back, no need."_

_"Fine, I'll give him the heads up that you'll handle it."_

_"Santana?"_

_"Yes, coach?"_

_"I'm proud of you."_

_"Thanks coach."_

_"Stay clean, eat, can't believe I'm saying that and more than anything be the captain that you were groomed to be. Got it?"_

_"Yes coach."_

_"Good. Now, you call Sal, I'll call the captain."_

She hung up just like that and I sat there feeling marginally better.

I reread the letter until the paper was dotted with my tears.

And even as I wept, my stomach growled so I cried and I ate, I blew my nose and then I ate some more until my plate was empty and my soul felt hollowed out.

* * *

I snapped a pic of the letter and texted it to Sal before taking it over to the door and sliding it under.

_"When you call me a bitch again, I want you to know what Ian thought about that...read this."_

I waited until I heard her pick up the letter and then I unlocked the door and walked back to the bed, waiting for her reaction but instead, she just slid the note under the door.

 _"I'll see you on Wednesday."_ She said gruffly.

When I got back to the door and swung it open, I saw her at the bottom of the stairs walking towards the front door.

Then I saw that my sisters seemed to be having a pow wow in the dining room and right then I didn't give a fuck as I called out Brittany.

_"You're just gonna leave, B?"_

She froze and then slowly turned to look at me, her arm in a sling and her eyes red.

 _"I will never be enough for you, Santana."_ She gestured to my sisters, _"Any of them could tell you. We are divorced and yeah, I got shot but I can't lean on you anymore and you can't lean on me. I have only myself here and you have all of them. We agreed that we would split time with Izzy. So I'll see you at the house on Wednesday morning. Don't be late."_ Then she turned towards my sister, _"Is it okay if I have a driver take me to the city?"_

Sandra nodded and then looked up at me in confusion but I just turned on the spot and stormed down to the nursery.

In two days I'd have to turn my son over, so I needed to spend every moment with him.

My phone buzzed in my hand as I made my way into the nursery where my son was laying in his crib watching Elmo on the big screen.

As long as his show was on, I wouldn't exist and for the moment, I was okay with that.

_"Yeah?"_

_"I talked to Sue, she called me before you were supposed to. I also saw the letter, how are you feeling?"_

_"I'm feeling everything, right now Sal. In the span of three days I've gotten divorced, lost a friend, took the advice of my ex-husband and nearly fell off the wagon. I'm tired, Sal."_

_"That's understandable. Luckily for you, there's not much else I will require from you. I can handle Sue and if you are absolutely needed, I'll run it through Sandra. She seems to have her fingers on the pulse of your mental well-being. Besides, she is the second signatory on everything anyway."_

_"I appreciate that, Sal."_

_"Be well, Santana."_

_"Thanks, you too."_

Isaac let out a squeal as the video ended and she must have heard him on the monitor because Sandra came in seconds later with Johnny on her hip and her head tilted to the side.

_"Is everything okay, sis?"_

_"Yeah. I'm good."_

_"What was that with Brittany?"_

_"Just normal, end of relationship stuff. It was us realizing that we can't put off separating anymore. I agreed to split custody with her. I get Isaac Sunday morning through Wednesday morning, she gets him Wednesday morning to Saturday morning...then on Saturday we have family time. Today is Sunday, so she was putting me on notice. She expects to have him on Wednesday. She was supposed to be renting a place from Nico but that's not gonna happen. So if you are okay with it, I was going to stay here a little longer...I know you already said it was okay but now I need you to have an out if I'm becoming too much. I do have a home...I have the penthouse too-"_ I started to say but she held up her hand to silence me.

_"You are NOT to go back to that penthouse. Even if its cleaned out, I don't trust that dealers won't find you there. So that's a no. You can either stay here or go stay with Celia, she's closed on the gallery and a townhouse in Brooklyn."_

_"I can't stay in Brooklyn."_

_"Why not?"_

_"I'd rather not say."_

_"Santana...come on."_

_"Biggest dealer of them all is in Brooklyn, most of my jobs were also there. So living there, is not gonna happen. I don't mind going for a day to the gallery but I can't live there."_

_"Okay, respect. Then you'll stay here?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good."_

* * *

When Britt left, I was in a mood and Sandra was not feeling it in the slightest.

_"Put on your bikini and grab a towel, we are headed to the pool."_

I shook my head.

_"Nah, I'm good."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"The last time I was in a pool, I nearly drowned and I don't know about you but I'm not really feeling dying just yet."_

_"I swear to you on my life that I will not let you drown, Santana."_

_"Fine."_

I sank into the water, one step at a time and then walked over to the float that Isaac was laying on, with his baby sunglasses on his face and I was immediately happy that I hadn't let my new fear of water stop me from sharing this moment with him.

Sandra had a hand on Isaac's float and one on Johnny's, who at nearly nine months old was already saying little words. The only issue was that he tended to sound like a parrot. Once he got latched onto a word, it was all he repeated over and over again, as if committing it to memory through repetition.

 _"Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma!"_ He screamed and Sandra was so delighted that she was the word of the day that she just kept grinning at him.

Once she saw that I had Isaac, she let go of the float and paid more attention to her mini-me.

 _"This isn't so bad, right?"_ She asked me as she kept making faces at her son.

_"No, I'm good. I used to be anyway but then I had that incident back in May and it has me a little anxious."_

_"I get that, well just relax as much as you can and since you're in the water, he should be okay to be lifted."_

_"Oh no, he can stay right in his floaty. I'm not taking any chances."_

She laughed at me and then went back to her little parrot.

I kept myself in water that didn't pass my boobs, too afraid to venture deeper.

There was no way I was going to risk either of our lives, of all the ways I could go out...it won't be in water.

I refuse...I want to go out fighting or in my sleep.

But like when I'm 95.

* * *

On Wednesday morning, I was supposed to go into the city and meet Britt at the house...that had been the plan.

But then with Isaac strapped to my chest, I nearly passed out on the stairs...I caught myself and unfortunately I had been spotted by Sandra and she insisted that Britt come here for him.

So instead of venturing out of the house for the first time in days, I was forced into a chair at the dining room table and food was shoved in front of me.

_"Eat while you wait for Brittany."_

_"I'm not hungry."_

_"The baby is hungry so you will eat. Plain and simple."_

_"Fine."_ I grumbled and then began to toy with my scrambled eggs.

All at once it went from just me, Sandra and her husband happily enjoying breakfast while the boys took a morning nap, to noise.

First it was Damariz and her husband Saul, who had a medical conference in Connecticut and were " _surprise_ ", dropping in. Sandra must have known though because she came out of the kitchen with more than enough food for them. My sister seemed peppier than usual as she caught us up on the happenings in California and how they were thinking of getting a place here so they could live on both coasts.

I was about to ask them how they'd make that work but then the front door opened and in came Q, Celia, and finally B.

My heart sped up at the sight of her, sling free and looking just fine four days after being shot. She gave me a tight smile.

_"Where's Izzy?"_

_"Napping, sit and have breakfast. Let him sleep a little bit longer."_ She looked like she wanted to argue but there was no way she'd start something with three of my sisters in the room.

And if I thought Mari was hype, it was nothing in comparison to Quinn who had a freshly trimmed haircut, she'd spiked it a bit and she looked adorable...can you blame me for commenting?

Britt was just sitting down across from me with her plate when I caught Quinn's eyes, as she sat there looking freshly fucked.

 _"Wow, you look hot Q. Banging my sister is really agreeing with you."_ She choked on her juice and Britt slapped her back a few times.

 _"Why me? Someone please tell me how I always end up at a table full of lesbians?"_ Sandra said with a frown. Damariz let out a huge bark of laughter and leaned against her husband who was actually cracking a smile. Shocker!

 _"Well actually I'm bi-curious."_ B said with a look of seriousness. The laughter after that statement was monumental. Saul actually laughed out loud this time and I thought I was going to faint. He is usually super serious and statue like. The mannequin that I once made out with was happier than him, so this was a welcome change.

 _"But you married my sister so that means you are off limits to guys and girls so now you are a lesbian."_ Mari jumped in and the table got quiet.

 _"Actually Mari, we're divorced now."_ My sister looked at Britt and then me, she sucked her lip into her mouth and didn't say another word.

Celia knowing when to flip the subject turned towards Sandra and smirked.

 _"Cry me a fucking river Sandra! You and I both know that back in Bayamon you had that thing with Marisa Calderon! Right Mari?"_ Celia barked out. Mari nodded her head and then, feeling safe to jump back in the conversation, added her two cents.

 _"Yep! Mami walked in and that poor girl had her head in between your legs."_ Mari smiled huge as Sandra scowled at her.

 _"What? No fucking way?!"_ I sat there wide eyed looking at my older sister as her face went pale and she began stuffing her face with eggs.

_"Yup...Sandra was about to graduate and go off to college, Mami caught her, immediately told Papi who cut her off...then she ran off to the Marines. She was the example that we got if we stepped out of line. Right Mari?"_

_"Oh God...when she found about you Ana, she said that it was a curse on the Lopez side of the family. She still doesn't know about Ceily though."_

I felt so overwhelmed...did this mean that Sandra was gay?

Was Celia still in the closet after all these years?

Also, Sandra fucked a girl long before I even knew I liked girls...wow.

 _"San...I don't understand? You love Johnny, right?"_ I said still too shocked to focus on anything else. I looked at Johnny who was casually cutting into his pancakes and not looking up at anyone. He probably knew this already but when I asked my questions he looked over at my sister and waited for an answer.

 _"I do love my husband. I have plenty of amazing, dirty, exciting sex with him. I am not gay. That was just two girls fucking around. I was curious, it was just one time...that's it!"_ she said as she leaned in and kissed Johnny on the lips.

 _"Okay...if you're sure, but I know that my curiousness totally gave me the hots for Santana."_ Britt said with that serious look again. I shook my head so she would stop talking and she got the message loud and clear.

I could see that this conversation had taken an ugly turn and Sandra was quickly throwing up her walls. I wasn't going to let anyone make her feel uncomfortable in her own home, even her sisters. I cleared my throat and looked around.

_"So on a different topic...things between me and Britt are different now. We are splitting custody of Isaac and I appreciate all the support you guys can give. We are on good terms and I'd like to keep it that way."  
_

_"Yeah...um...thanks Sandra for letting me use your driver a few times. It really helped after everything."_

_"Everything? What did I miss?"_ Damariz said.

_"There was a shooting...um...Britt got shot on Saturday."_

The two surgeons at the table were immediately giving her a visual scan.

Britt's face was turning pink.

 _"It was a flesh wound. Went straight through but I might need surgery on my shoulder eventually."_ She said to Mari and only her.

_"Well if you'd like me to take a look at it before you go, I've got my bag."_

I thought Britt would turn her down but she actually looked relieved.

_"Yeah...actually, I'd um...like that."_

* * *

I watched Britt walk off with Mari and then I turned towards Q, _"Did she take her meds today?"_

Quinn shrugged.

_"No idea, S, I am not going to police her."_

_"I know, she just seems off and I want to make sure she's going to be okay with Isaac."_

_"Why wouldn't she be?"_ Celia jumped in. _"I prefer her like this than to the girl who nearly slammed you into a wall two weeks ago."_

_"You're right, I guess."_

The baby monitor crackled and we waited to see which kid it would be.

We heard it then.

_"Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa, Pa!"_

Sandra looked at Johnny.

_"You better go before he wakes up-"_

But it was too late because Isaac began to cry seconds later.

I pushed up from the table but then Britt was coming into the room, fixing her shirt as she ran past us up the stairs. Johnny followed behind and I was left standing there feeling a churning in my gut.

Mari came to the table with her poker face on.

 _"What is it?"_ I asked her.

_"The wound is showing signs of infection, I prescribed her antibiotics and told her that she should definitely take the next few days off of work."_

_"What did she say?"_

_"That she was planning on it since she has Isaac."_

_"Oh good."_

_"How did she seem otherwise?"_

_"Just fine. Is there something I'm missing?"_

_"Nah, I'm just being paranoid because this is the first day we are trying this split week thing."_

_"Oh, gotcha."_

We finished breakfast, falling mainly into a silence aside from small conversations and then I heard it...my name.

I turned towards the baby monitor and tuned out the rest of the room.

 _"I don't know, Britt, I think that the divorce was the right move. You two are really young. Raising a family is hard but add in maturity...the need to fuck around and a kid into the mix, it's no wonder you got antsy."_ That was Johnny and from the look on Sandra's face, she did not approve.

_"You know, I started to be okay with all that but then with everything that happened, knowing Marco is involved...more than anything it's knowing I'll never be rid of him. To be with her is to be with him. He's been quiet up until this point but then the shooting happened, then the drop off to get the price off our heads. When is enough actually enough?"_

_"That is a lot to go through, I can see why you're feeling stuck."_

_"I almost feel like she planned for it to happen or maybe he did. He created her, she's his puppet, even now. He asks and she gives him what he wants. How can I be loyal to that? How can I be sure that she didn't set all of this up, hoping I'd die so that she didn't have to worry about me being around anymore?"_

I was clenching my napkin in my hands.

_"Nah, I don't think Santana is that vindictive."_

Britt laughed at that.

_"You have no idea. She's carrying his baby, did you know that."_

There was silence but the glares from Celia and Mari, told me they didn't know yet. Sandra had only told Johnny it seemed.

I ducked my head and looked towards Sandra but then Johnny's next words came, _"Sandra called me right after she found out."_ and I couldn't stand to look at her anymore.

Sure, I knew she'd tell Johnny, that's her husband, it makes sense but the way he said it made me feel like the family soap opera.

_"You see, she tells you things. Not Santana, she cheated on me with Marco and I'm supposed to raise his bastard. I love Isaac but I didn't sign up for this."_

_"Oh hell no."_ I pushed back from the table and stood to my feet but Sandra gave me the look and shook her head.

_"That's bullshit and you know it, you'll love this new baby regardless of where it came from. You'd give your life for that little boy and you knew what you were signing up for when you married her. Don't play the victim. Yes you got shot, that sucks but you can't spend your life blaming other people. Especially not the woman you love. You do still love her, don't you?"_

I looked at Sandra and then she smirked.

 _"He knows."_ She whispered.

_"What?"_

_"He knows we can hear him...no way is my husband this much of a guru."_ She whispered.

Britt let out a sigh and then she did that baby talk with Isaac and laughed.

_"I do. I love her with my whole heart, I just feel so stupid when I'm with her sometimes. Like I can never be enough."_

_"She picked you...even when all of us told her not to, including me. So to her you're enough. Cut her some slack."_

_"You're right. I know it. She's my world...I just..."_

_"No more excuses. Take him home, have a great time with him and then when you two switch off on your family day...talk to her. Say what you want about the Lopez women, they are tough but they are certainly fair and maybe a little too honest at times."_

_"I think I will...thanks, Johnny."_

* * *

Watching Britt leave with Isaac, broke my heart.

How did people do this?

Shit, how did my parents do this so frequently?

Being away from my son, even if he was with his Mama, was always hard for me.

 _"Up for a trip to Brooklyn?"_ Celia asked as she and Quinn headed out.

Britt had come up with them which meant, that I'd get to steal a little more time with my son.

_"Yes! Let me grab my stuff."_

Celia and Quinn shared a knowing look.

Thank God for them.

Britt was settled in the backseat of Celia's rental with Isaac, when I hopped in the car.

She looked up at me in surprise but didn't say anything.

 _"How's dancing, B?"_ I asked her as I slid my finger into Isaac's little fist.

 _"Good."_ She said.

_"I bet you've come up with some amazing routines, right?"_

_"A few."_ She was looking out the window at Celia and Quinn who were saying goodbye to Mari and Saul.

 _"Any big plans for your time with Isaac?"_ I asked.

Suddenly she turned towards me, her blue eyes burning into mine.

_"Do you not trust me with him or something?"_

_"What? Of course I trust you."_

_"Doesn't feel like it, why are you in the car?"_

Celia timing like gold offered up an answer to that as she climbed into the driver seat.

_"I invited her. She was a hit at the gallery last time she came and I wanted her magic fingers."_

Britt flinched, I swear if it had been anyone but my sister that said those words I'd think she was jealous.

_"Oh yeah?"_

_"Yeah, Ana is a prodigy. She just gets in the zone and it's like the world falls away and she's happier than I have ever seen but that's probably old news to you, right?"_

Quinn slapped at Celia's thigh and they shared another look.

Britt looked at me with so much hurt in her eyes.

_"Yeah, old news."_

* * *

When we dropped off Britt, Q, and Isaac...I felt a little more relief than I felt when they had left Sandra's earlier. I think it was watching my son go into the house with not only B but also Quinn. I knew that I could trust that as long as Quinn was around, Isaac would be safe.

_"Relax."_

I ground my palms into my eyes and let out a sigh as she merged into traffic, leaving my house behind.

Although right then, it felt more like Britt's house than mine.

_"I'm trying."_

_"Can I ask you something?"_

I stared out into traffic, a million things going through my mind...she'd just found out way too much about me and my marriage...and about Marco.

_"I guess."_

_"Why don't you ever come to me about stuff?"_

Of all things, that was definitely not what I expected.

_"What do you mean?"_

_"I get that Sandra holds the reins when it comes to money but you and I are the only gay sisters. Why don't you ever come to me about the Brittany stuff?"_

_"The gay stuff, you mean?"_

_"Well, yeah...the gay stuff."_

_"Outside of you training me to be a runner when I was 14, you talking me out of being high while pregnant, and now you screwing my best friend...I don't think we ever had a close enough bond for me to just talk to you about stuff."_

_"Ouch."_

_"I didn't know it was an option, that's basically what it comes down to."_

_"Well, I want to be an option for you and I won't go telling Quinn every little detail."_

_"Oh you mean, Sandra running right to Johnny? That didn't bother me and trust me, Quinn knows way more about me than I've forgotten. We don't have secrets...what we have is too intimate for that."_

She gagged.

_"Okay, so you two have obviously fucked...good to know."_

_"We were each other's first everything. It was awkward and in no way pleasurable because we had no idea what we were doing."_

_"First, first? Like before Marco?"_

_"Yeah, we were twelve. I didn't even have a period yet, like I said young and dumb kids messing around. I picked her back up after Beth and she picked me back up before, during and after every single time Marco has tried to break me."_

_"Wow...and why aren't you together?"_

_"I've asked myself the same thing and I'm sure she has too...for me, she became too ingrained in all my bullshit. If we were a thing, I'd be way too insecure because she's seen me at my lowest. I could see myself, always worrying that we were together out of obligations or pity. With Britt, it's pure and passionate. We love hard, we hate hard and there's no middle with us. That's probably our issue, we exist in extremes."_

_"I can definitely see that, if you two truly take this time to grow as single people, I think you'll make it."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes, my ex and I, we fell in love the first week of freshman year of college. We never took a break. The real world and moving away from everything she knew in Texas, started to change us. We didn't give each other space to grow. Everything was together, our finances, our friend group and even our business. There isn't a thing that I've owned until now, with this gallery and the townhouse that has been just mine. It is terrifying but it feels good, to know that I can do it on my own. Britt reminds me of myself. She is trying to fly with clipped wings."_

_"Yeah, you're an artist alright."_ I snickered and she rolled her eyes.

_"What I'm saying is, she was on the right track to live alone...but she's been grumbling to Quinn and me because I think she forgets I'm your sister sometimes, that she has no money to make it on her own. The company won't pay her and Tony until they have all the dances completed. I know you have to run it through Sandra but maybe think about giving her the spousal support in a lump sum so she can get a place of her own."_

_"You make a good point."_ I nodded as we continued crossed the Brooklyn bridge finally.

My stomach was queasy as I thought of the many cab rides I'd had on this bridge, with no panties on and a man shoved inside me. How could Britt love me when thoughts like that still haunted me?

I pulled out my phone and texted Sandra immediately.

**_Britt needs her spousal support in a lump sum-Ana_ **

**_Sal, I need you to sign off on something today-Santana_ **

**_Why?-Sandra_ **

**_So she can move out. I want to be home.-Ana_ **

I had to make it about me or Sandra would hesitate. I knew that about her.

_**Will I be hearing from Sandra?-Salvatore** _

_**Yes.-Santana** _

_**Okay.-Salvatore** _

**_..._ **

**_..._ **

**_..._ **

**_How much?-Sandra_ **

**_Is this a trick?-Ana_ **

**_No. I agree with you. How much?-Sandra_ **

**_Hold on-Ana_ **

**_B?-Ana_ **

**_What's up?-B_ **

**_You were right.-Ana_ **

Yet another person that needed to be buttered up. She was easier to figure out though.

We parked outside the gallery and Celia pulled out her phone too, probably texting Q.

**_I was?-B_ **

**_Being apart is going to be good for us. Want to pay you out so you can get a place. How long until you get paid from work?-Ana_ **

**_Really?-B_ **

**_Yes. How long?-Ana_ **

**_2 months-B_ **

_**Okay, once I give the okay to Sandra and Sal, it will get transferred to you-Ana** _

**_OMG, thnks!-B_ **

**_Let me know if you need help finding a place-Ana_ **

**_OK.-B_ **

_**Hey. 3 month lump sum then after that, monthly payments-Ana** _

**_I need a number-Sandra_ **

**_5100-Ana_ **

**_Okay, I'll call Sal-Sandra_ **

_"Holy shit, when I said lump sum I didn't think it'd be that much."_ Celia said.

I looked over at her and could see that she was hovering over my shoulder.

_"We live in New York, that should be enough for first, last, and security. After that she's gonna have to work with her paycheck and the $1700 a month that I give her until the January. Sandra won't let me pay her for longer than we were married."_

_"Fair enough but does she know that's all you can give her?"_

_"It's more than generous but no, I didn't tell her that."_

_"Maybe you should."_

I shrugged, choosing to let future Santana deal with it.

_"Nah."_

_"Call her right now, Ana, seriously."_

_"It won't matter if we end up together in six months."_

_"But if you don't, then what?"_

_"Fine, you're right."_

_"I know that."_

* * *

I stared down at my phone for a long time, feeling nervous to call the woman that I had shared so much with over the years...in the past calling her was easy but we weren't those same girls.

 _"Yes?"_ She sounded annoyed even though I had just essentially made it easy for her to leave me.

_"Do you have a second?"_

_"I guess so, Isaac is watching Elmo."_

_"Then you definitely have a second."_ I chuckled but she cleared her throat.

_"What is it? Did you change your mind?"_

_"What? No, I just wanted to be transparent with you."_

_"That's a first."_ She mumbled and I tried not to let it get to me. I didn't want to be those kinds of exes.

_"We were married for six months, so I just want you to know that spousal support is only for the length of our marriage."_

_"So? What does that mean?"_

_"I am only obligated to support you until January. After that, you won't get any more payments."_

_"Oh."_

_"I'm paying you three months up front. So you'll get $1700 a month until January. Okay?"_

_"Unless..."_ She began and I felt my heart drop.

_"Unless what?"_

_"If I get full custody, you'll have to pay child support...that's what my lawyer says."_

I wanted to argue with her but I was tired and I didn't want to have this kind of fight.

_"Is 50/50 not enough?"_

_"Not with you calling me and texting me to check in...no it's not."_

_"That's not what this is!"_ I growled.

_"If you say so. Look, I'm wasting my time talking to you. Just have Sal call my lawyer with any money stuff. I don't really want to talk to you. It's too much."_

_"Oh...um...okay then."_

_"Bye Santana."_

_"Bye Br-"_ She hung up before I could finish saying her name and I felt like I was sinking.

 _"I'm sorry that I made you call."_ Celia said.

_"No, I needed this...it's okay. Can we go inside now?"_

_"We can do this another time if this is too much."_

_"I need to get this energy out before the tremors start. Just let me sit at the piano and give me some paper and a pen. Okay?"_

_"Anything you want, sure."_

* * *

I didn't speak to Brittany again until Saturday morning when she showed up at Sandra's looking sad as she handed the car seat to my sister at the door.

_"Are you not coming in? Santana is in the kitchen?"_

I stood in the hall peaking out at Britt, our eyes met and she shook her head.

_"He had a doctor appointment, they have him on daily treatments. One before bed and one after breakfast. He just had one so he's probably going to sleep for a while."_

_"Why didn't you tell me about the doctor? I would have come."_ I said as I stepped behind my sister and Britt looked at me with cold eyes.

_"I handled it."_

_"He's my son, Britt...I want to be there for appointments just like I would make sure you were there if I went."_

She nodded when Sandra cleared her throat.

_"Right, I'll make sure I call next time. I'm gonna go."_

_"Wait, we are supposed to spend today as a family!"_ I said but she shrugged.

_"I am seeing some places today."_

_"Let me come with you."_

_"I'm a big girl, I can handle it."_

_"Let me keep Isaac here, so he can rest. Britt let her go with you, she won't let anyone take advantage of you. They see a single woman and they try to charge you more, trust me."_ Sandra said and just like that, Britt's wall came down a little.

_"Fine, if you're coming, let's go. I don't want to be late."_

When we got outside, the only car out there was mine and I knew she hadn't taken it for the last few days. The closest public transportation was a mile away.

Britt started walking towards the end of the driveway.

_"Where are you going?"_

_"I caught the train here."_

_"Let me drive us, it will be faster."_

_"Fine."_

_"Did you walk a mile with the car seat and baby bag?"_ I asked as she started walking towards the car.

_"It's good exercise."_

I shook my head and climbed into the car without another word.

There was no way I was going to argue with her today.

We could be civil.

At least, I could be.

* * *

Once we were alone in the car, she seemed to breathe a little easier and I was grateful for it.

I turned up the stereo and started driving towards the city, without knowing where we were going.

_"You can just take the car to the house and we can catch the train or walk from there. I need to know how to get there without a car."_

_"Okay."_

_"That's it, no arguing?"_

_"Nope, it's a good idea."_

She huffed and then started to dance in her seat to a Britney song.

I sang along, not bothering to ask her anything or tell her anything.

The drive to the house was easy at this hour, thankfully. As I pulled into the driveway, I felt a sense of calm cover me.

Being home had been something I hadn't been able to enjoy in a week and I missed my bed...my closet...my shower.

Sandra was a saint for letting me stay but after Sunday dinner tomorrow, I was coming home whether Britt was still here or not.

 _"You miss it."_ She said and I turned towards Britt, not realizing she'd been watching me.

_"I do."_

_"Hopefully, I can get one of the places so that you can come home."_

_"We'll get you the best deal, so you can handle it on your own when the time comes."_

Her ears got pink and I looked away, knowing that a snarky comment was coming.

_"Always about the money...isn't it?"_

I didn't answer, instead I slid from the car and marched towards the kitchen door without looking back at her.

 _"Gotta pee and then I'll be ready."_ I said to her over my shoulder as I unlocked the door.

Only my key wasn't working.

_"Sandra had the locks changed."_

Britt looked smug as she pulled my key from the lock and slid hers in, twisting it easily.

_"Well where is my key?"_

_"Inside, didn't think you'd be coming home with me or I would have brought it."_

Her moment of being in control seemed to wipe away her attitude. I had almost forgotten how much she liked to be in control of everything with us and how out of control she felt when I was being selfish and independent. It seemed like she could do whatever the fuck she wanted but when I started doing and thinking for myself she had a problem.

Maybe she hated Marco but she was just like him and that was on me.

* * *

I fed into her control issues for the rest of the morning, letting her lead us to the apartments. Waiting for her to ask for her help before I made suggestions.

And the only time that I spoke up was because she was giving me that look that meant she needed saving.

 _"So this one bedroom, one bath in this part of Lincoln Heights is going to be $2500 a month."_ The realtor said, not even bothering to look up at B.

She gave me a look because she had purposely only gotten appointments with places that were half that much.

 _"Bill, can I call you Bill."_ I said rounding on him until we were just a few feet from each other, I crossed my arms over my chest and glared. _"I know for a fact that this apartment, is rent controlled for the next two years and I happen to know the owner of this very building."_

He looked unsure but when I say that I've fucked around...well I have.

 _"Surely you don't."_ He was looking down on me.

So I pulled out my phone and scrolled until I got to a contact that I hadn't talked to in forever and put it on speaker.

_"Hello?"_

_"Vincent Giametti, please. Tell him it's Santana Lopez."_

Hold music came on and the realtor started getting red in the face.

_"Santana! Long time no speak, what can I do for you love?"_

_"Hi Vinny! I'm back in the city and I've been looking for apartments to sublet. I know you own like 50 buildings in Lincoln Heights."_

_"Yeah, what can I do you for kid?"_

_"I'm standing in one of your apartments with a realtor, Bill Morgan and he says that this one bedroom is $2500 a month."_

_"Is that right?"_

_"Yes, I just wanted to confirm."_

I heard him shuffling papers and then he cleared his throat.

_"Is that the Carter building?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"No, he's got his numbers wrong. That place is just $1350 but I can cut the price if that's too much for you."_

I looked at B and she looked halfway between nauseous and murderous.

She knew why I was connected to this man and I knew she wanted to do this on her own but at the same time, $1350 was a steal in this part of the city. She nodded her agreement.

_"Actually it's for a friend of mine, she's a choreographer on Broadway. I wanted to make sure she didn't get screwed over."_

_"Makes sense. Tell ya what, since you gotta deal with this bozo and your Nico's girl...shame what they did to him...I'll call it even at $1200 and don't you let that douche bag ask for a commission."_

_"Seriously, Vinny? That's amazing. You know she was supposed to be renting that place above the diner but you know crime scene and all."_

The realtor looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him whole.

_"Fucking shame that was, you tell her she can take the keys from the realtor this minute. Rents on the 15th of the month. Only need first month and security. Sound good?"_

_"Yeah, when can she move in?"_

_"Now if she wants. The door man is an ex marine so if she's feeling unsafe tell her she's got nothing to worry about."_

_"Thanks Vinny. That guy, his name was Bill Morgan, you said?"_

I looked at the realtor and raised an eyebrow, putting my hand out to him.

He dropped the keys in my palm.

_"Let him be, Vinny, he was just trying to make a buck."_

I ended the call with Vinny and then walked to the front door and pulled it open, waving the realtor out into the hall before slamming the door in his face.

 _"Wow."_ Britt said, tears leaking down her cheeks as she glared at me. _"Is there anyone in New York you haven't fucked?"_

She knocked the wind out of me with that statement.

_"I never, not with Vinny."_

_"You sure about that?"_

_"Positive, he's an associate of Nico's was always at the diner. Wanted to make sure I had a place to land if Marco put me out on my ass. He doesn't even know Marco...at least not that I know of."_

_"You sure about that?"_

_"Yeah."_

* * *

Once she was sure I hadn't fucked Vinny, she pressed me back against the front door and kissed me hard.

And because I'm horny all the time and I've missed her...I gave into the kiss.

Then her knee was between my legs rubbing up against me and I moaned.

 _"No strings."_ She growled against my face.

_"Okay, B...no strings."_

_"Take your pants off and hop up on the counter for me."_ She said, sweetly.

I followed her into the kitchen and did as she said while she washed her hands.

The counter top was cold as my bare ass rested on it but I didn't have time to complain because she was leaning over me and sinking her fingers into me only seconds later.

 _"Fuck!"_ I groaned.

_"Did you miss me, baby?"_

_"Yesss."_ I hissed as she moved her fingers slowly.

I rested my head back against the cabinet as she sucked and bit on my neck and shoulder.

Over and over she brought me to orgasm until I was a quivering mess.

She seemed satisfied with herself when I squirted, soaking the counter and her hand.

While she felt victorious, I felt dirty.

When had we become so transactional?

She was thanking me for getting her a place and essentially paying for that place too.

I felt like a whore...her whore and that was something I was tired of being. Right then, I knew that this couldn't happen again. The next time we went there, I needed to know it was because of love and not as some warped version of a thank you. She treated me like shit all the time now and even the look in her eye as she washes her hands, her eyes skimming over me like a piece of meat makes me think twice about making this a regular thing.

Once I was on my feet, I pulled up my pants and then walked into the bathroom, locking the door. She was on the phone, probably talking to her mother about her new place, which gave me the time that I needed to clean myself up. I stripped back out of my pants and climbed into the shower. There was no soap yet but this wasn't my first rodeo.

How many times had I rushed to the bathroom after a job just to wash away the feeling of being nothing more than disposable and worthless.

I silently sobbed as I washed myself quickly, I was still sensitive and needy. So I rubbed my fingers softly against my clit until I came, nearly biting through my lip as I thought of the happier times that we'd been together. I needed to replace this feeling but not even this helped.

 _"Ana?"_ She called out and then jiggled the handle.

I turned off the water and then pulled my jeans over my damp legs, nearly crashing into the wall as I finally got them over my ass.

 _"Hold on a sec."_ I said before pulling the shower curtain closed and turning on the sink. I washed my hands and then ran them over my face and hair, grateful that I hadn't worn makeup today.

When I came out of the bathroom, she was smiling at me and then reached past me to shut off the bathroom light.

 _"Can you believe this is all mine?"_ She asked as she took my hand in hers.

_"It's amazing, B."_

_"Thanks for your help."_

_"You're welcome. Do you want to maybe shop for some furniture? You are going to have more than enough left over to get a few things."_

_"That's a great idea...let's go. Maybe you can talk them into giving me a bed for free."_

I smirked and then let her keep control as she led us out of the apartment.

This day couldn't end soon enough, then I thought of what was waiting for me back at Sandra's.

My son.

The one she has hinted at taking full custody of.

And I knew, that playing nice with her right now was my only option.

She had a job, a place, and no criminal record.

I was a drug addict who had endangered my son and had a record in both Lima and New York.

This was a fight I didn't want to chance losing.

So I'd need to play her game.

Even if it hurt.


	16. Fool In Love (Rihanna)

After that day at her new place, Britt and I fell into a rhythm when it came to passing Isaac back and forth only this time it was me that was trying to avoid her. I even used Quinn as a go between a few times but I could see that wasn't going to be a viable option for long.

Ever since Q started screwing my sister, there seemed to be a wall between us. Maybe it was me or maybe it was her, all I know is that we talked less and I could clearly see that she was starting to take Britt's side in all of this.

Which, fuck her, was not cool.

But then I had to remember that I had all of my sisters and Britt just had Quinn, since Rachel had practically fallen off the face of the Earth.

Halfway through September, I got called in to see Dr. Cabot through Dr. Ramirez since I had missed my last two appointments. I had taken myself off of bed rest, lying to everyone about getting cleared because I just got tired of having to deal with everyone's concern. Eventually the pain subsided as I got bigger and ate more but my doctor started to worry about me so she called my Lima doctor just to get my attention.

The thing I was conflicted about though was calling Britt about it because unless it had to do with Isaac we just didn't have any other reason to talk. She had her money now and her place, our son was doing better so what was there to discuss really.

I had wanted to move back home weeks ago, right after the incident between us but I ended up going back to Sandra's to hide in obscurity until those times when I was forced to leave.

Now though, Sandra had sent me home because she got tired of my moping, which meant that I was just going to have to confront my ex-wife about sharing more space together.

Only, a distraction had my attention now.

A giant, creepy bearded, baby making, coke snorting distraction.

I accepted a call from Rikers and was greeted by Marco's voice after a few moments.

 _"What?"_ I asked.

_"Come see me."_

_"Why?"_

_"To check in. I just want to make sure you're okay, I know you haven't gone to any of your appointments in the last few weeks."_

_"Are you fucking kidding me, Marco? How would you know that?"_

_"You know why, how could I not be curious when you're carrying my baby, Anita."_

_"Be real with me, there's no price or anything on me, right?"_

_"No, nothing like that...I just have eyes and ears everywhere and well, I know you haven't been going to the doctor, I want to make sure you're taking care of yourself."_

_"I have an appointment tomorrow, okay, so relax."_

_"Come see me anyway, please?"_

_"Fine. I guess I can come today. Britt has Isaac tonight so, I can come now."_

_"Great!"_

_"I mean who wouldn't want to go visit their psychotic ex-husband in prison on a Friday afternoon?"_

_"You're in a mood, is it because of you and Britt finally being separated for real?"_

_"I'm not having that talk with you, if you want to talk about my relationship with Brittany, then I'm not coming."_ I threatened even though I was already fixing my hair and make-up, I liked to make people remember what they were missing and lately, I'd been doing a whole lot of that. On the occasions when I've had to do the hand off with Britt myself, I always catch her checking me out. I always know that if she could get me back on her kitchen counter, I'd be there writhing and shit like a whore.

No thanks.

_"Just come, I'll see you soon, Princesa."_

That name still made a chill go through me, he meant business and I guess B was right, I would forever be his puppet if I didn't stop answering his every beck and call but what choice did I have? History had shown me that not answering Marco has only made things worse.

* * *

As I left, I was happy that I was in my own house and that Quinn wasn't there for me to answer to. Britt had taken Isaac back to her apartment since she wouldn't be here on her days now that I was home. I didn't even put up a fight because I knew where she lived, how she lived, and that if need be, I could get into her apartment because I had insisted that if she had keys to this house, I needed have keys to her place, so I felt okay letting my son go with her.

Her apartment was a three block walk from the house and if there was an emergency I could get there.

Britt had started sharing things that could affect me, like that Isaac had a cough or how she did and wasn't sure if she should be around him.

Letting each other know when something came up that might affect the custody agreement was our way of being cordial.

So now that I had Marco beating down my door and the impending appointment for a kid she had called a bastard with one breath but then called her baby with the next, I wasn't sure how much to divulge.

But we had a system for a reason.

If I was going off alone outside of Sandra's or the Upper West Side, I let someone know...namely, Britt.

Today was no exception.

**_Hey sis, Heading to Rikers, I've been summoned-Ana_ **

**_Hey B, Going to see Marco, he NEEDS to see me for some reason.-Ana_ **

**_Call me when you get there and when you leave!-Sandra_ **

**_OK-B_ **

**_Will do!-Ana_ **

**_You okay, B?-Ana_ **

**_Good. Be safe. Are you driving?-Sandra_ **

**_I'm fine. Have fun!!-B_ **

**_Are you busy tomorrow, B?-Ana_ **

**_Bringin Izzy to u at 12 then dncng w/ Tony-B_ **

**_I have a baby doc appt tomorrow at 10. Come with?-Ana_ **

**_OK. I'll come early. C if Q can watch Izzy?-B_ **

**_Sounds like a plan, leaving now.-Ana_ **

**_Fine. Bye.-B_ **

**_Hello?-Sandra_ **

I was fuming with Britt's whole deal but I didn't have time for that now.

Even now she was jealous?

So much for being upfront with her, see if that happens again!

**_Yes, I'm driving. I'll call you when I get there-Ana_ **

* * *

I ended up texting Sandra when I got to Rikers instead of calling her because I didn't need to analyze the reason that I was being summoned. Marco called and I was answering, simple as that.

But then I saw him.

Clean shaven, fresh haircut and a pristine smile on his face...looking like snake oil salesman.

_"Hey Princesa, look at you...you're glowing. Come, let me feel."_

I wish I could have blamed my non-existent nausea or a headache for why I couldn't but I was as healthy as a horse these days. He smiled so genuinely when he pressed his hand against my stomach and received a kick in return.

_"Don't get the baby riled up, once it goes, it does NOT stop."_

_"You don't know what it is yet?"_

_"I want to be surprised. I've been trying to enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible."_

_"That's beautiful, even though I'm positive that it's a girl."_

_"Just my luck, a mini-me. The world will never be the same."_

_"Sure won't."_

He moved his hand from my stomach to my wrist, he ran his thumb lightly over the fading scar that still remained from punching that mirror ages ago.

 _"Thank you for doing this."_ His one hand still rested on my stomach, caressing lightly. _"You are a great mother and I see the love you are giving her already, eating and staying away from blow. I'm proud. Nico would be proud."_

I pulled away then and turned my back as I went to head to the other side of the table but I hesitated as I felt the sting of losing Nico and by default, Carmen.

He wasn't cuffed and I should have known better than to turn my back to him, history had taught me better.

Marco hovered behind me, his thumb brushing that place on my neck that still turned me to putty.

I closed my eyes and gave into his touch.

His lips and teeth were on my neck nipping and then he was whispering so lightly.

_"Where is she?"_

_"Hmmm?"_

_"Carmen, she's a ghost, where is she?"_

_"I don't know."_ I muttered and then his thumb was pressing harder, reminding me of the bastard that he was as he created an ache. _"Fuck, please don't...no one will tell me."_

_"Smart of them. She knows about everything, Princesa. She knows where the body is buried and I don't want to have to put her down. So if you know where she is, you tell her that she better stay a ghost or else."_

I turned from him and shoved him back, knowing that he wouldn't hurt me when I was carrying his precious baby.

But his mind cataloged things, I wouldn't push my luck.

_"I told you, I don't know. She disappeared in the night and I haven't heard from her in the weeks since. I miss her and I need her but she's gone. If you had anything to do with this...you asshole...you can't expect me to trust you if you show your ugly side the moment I let my guard down."_

He looked into my eyes and then deflated, knowing that I was being honest with him.

_"Sorry about that, Ana, old habits and desperation make me crazy."_

I moved to the other side of the table and put my hands in my lap.

_"Sit down or I swear I'll never come back here and I won't let you touch me again...you want me to tell your baby good things about you then you be a good man. You promised that you would try...are you breaking that promise that you swore on your mother?"_

He froze and swallowed, he looked like a little boy as he shook his head.

 _"No, I will honor my promise."_ Then finally, he sat and placed his hands on the table, it wasn't until that moment that I felt some of my terror ease.

The devil isn't ugly. I had lots of pretty devils in my life. Ian's words came back to me as I stared at Marco and put my guard up, more prepared to play his game.

_"Good. Then I will honor mine."_

* * *

I got home late, after leaving Rikers I drove around for a while trying to get my head together...then I stopped at NYU to see Ari.

She was in class but promised that she'd make time for me this weekend.

My head was aching and my stomach was growling, as I parked my car. 

When I finally stumbled into the house around 11 pm, thinking that I'd have no one to deal with but Quinn, I was blatantly wrong.

I walked into the dark kitchen, feeling unsteady as I dropped my keys onto the hook, before making my way to the fridge for a bottle of water.

 _"Where have you been?"_ I turned around and saw Britt and Q sitting there in the breakfast nook, illuminated by the light of their phones.

 _"Whasgoinon?"_ I slurred and then I cleared my throat and tried again. _"What's going on?"_

 _"Answer Britt's question, San."_ Q said, her face like stone and then the kitchen door swung open and in walked Celia.

I turned away and grabbed a bottle of water before moving over to the cabinets and grabbing chips before leaning back against the counter and chowing down. I had skipped dinner and knew if I went to bed hungry, I'd pay for it in the morning.

After I had swallowed some food and water, I finally answered. 

_"Went to see Marco."_ I muttered.

Celia's phone rang and she answered it on speaker.

_"Yeah?"_

_"Did you find her?"_

_"I'm looking at her right now, she just got home."_

_"How is she?"_

_"Not sure."_

_"Can she hear me?"_

I shook my head and swallowed my food.

_"Yeah but I don't think she wants to talk to you."_

_"Tough shit, Santana what did we discuss about the penthouse?"_

I felt that anxiety that used to hit me when I was caught out. It'd been too long since I had felt that.

 _"Not too."_ I mumbled.

_"I have cameras in that elevator, I know you went there...tell me why?"_

_"Escape."_ I said back and then I let out a sigh knowing how I probably looked _. "Look, I know what you're all thinking. I have no coke on me or in me. Seeing Marco triggered me, made me emotional...I'm tired. I just need some sleep."_ With that I went to leave the kitchen but Celia was blocking the way. _"Move."_ She stayed still. _"I'm fucking begging you. Move, Ceily. Please?"_ I gave her my best pout and she moved to the side.

Once I was out of the kitchen, I made my way to the stairs and began to climb them slowly. My big stomach was starting to block my view of the stairs so I knew that I needed to be careful.

I felt a hand on my lower back halfway up the steps.

The touch was one I'd know anywhere.

 _"You stink."_ She said and then continued to help me climb up. _"Shower?"_ She said as we made it to the top.

It had been ages since we had been up here alone together.

She looked at me with concern but not anger.

_"Yeah. Okay."_

* * *

Britt's nostrils flared as she undressed me, looking in my glassy eyes and biting her lip in response. She may have been an entitled brat lately but she was putty when I was weak and needed her guidance.

It was her kryptonite.

She was quiet as she stood there, in the shower, waiting for me to join her but I had to put my hair up first. I had spent half the morning straightening it and I didn't want to have to do that again. She knew though, that this is what you get when you aren't with a white girl. So she just stood there watching as I wrapped my hair up and then put on a shower cap.

When I turned towards her, my eyes bloodshot and my body feeling super heavy, she was smirking at me.

 _"You're beautiful."_ She said and I felt the heat in my cheeks.

I stepped into the shower, her hand was held out for me just in case I needed help but I had to keep doing things on my own. I was five months and I was still relatively small in comparison to a lot of other women but for me, I felt like a house.

_"Thanks, B."_

She slid the shower curtain closed and then began to soap up my loofah while humming.

I waited patiently for her to say something as she looked down at the soapy thing in her hands but she didn't. She began with my arms and then my breasts that were crazy sore, when I hissed she was gentle and I allowed myself to imagine that this was our daily routine and we weren't at odds, nearly hating each other.

Then she pressed her lips to my belly and pressed her fingers down a few times to get the baby to kick. She smiled really big and then finally our eyes met.

 _"I know you're not high."_ She said and I nodded.

_"But you're something...what is it?"_

_"Sad...that's it."_

_"Why do you smell like smoke?"_

_"Oh...I was um...don't think it's crazy okay...please?"_

_"Have you met me? How could I think like that?"_

_"True, you're still my Britt Britt under everything, right?"_

_"Everything?"_ She tilted her head and I knew I had to tread lightly.

_"The um...anger."_

Her face fell and she nodded.

_"Yeah."_

_"I went to the penthouse to see if I could find Marco's books and then I went to Carmen and Nico's house to do the same, since it's not a crime scene it was practically untouched and then I may have set a fire."_

_"What?!"_

_"It was a small one, out by the Hudson with the hobos. The smoke irritated my eyes and I'd already been crying, so I'm just a little disoriented...no big deal."_

_"Santana!"_ She scolded.

_"I know it was dangerous but Marco asked me to do this one last thing for him and I couldn't say no. Could I?"_

She was angry again but she didn't say anything mean, instead she just continued to wash me.

_"Turn around."_

So I did and once my back was to her, I noticed she hadn't touched me right away.

_"B?"_

_"Were you alone with him?"_

_"Who?"_

_"Don't play dumb with me, you were alone with Marco?"_

_"Um. Yeah, why?"_

_"You let him touch you."_

_"It was NOT a conjugal visit if that's what you think."_

_"There's a hickey on your neck, Santana and a bruise right here."_ She brushed her finger over where Marco had and I moaned. _"This kind of thing."_ She stroked a little harder on that spot and I had to reach out for the shower bar to remain steady as I let my head droop. _"Is why I'm mad at you...this. You don't belong to me, you never did for as long as he's been around."_

_"Always and only you, B."_

She scoffed and then proceeded to scrub my back and ass, then my legs before giving me a gentle shove under the water.

I thought she'd leave me there so she could go stew in her anger but she stayed, instead she just washed herself and then helped me out of the shower.

Still no words were exchanged.

And then, when my guard started to drop as we got dressed for bed, she hit me with it.

_"I'm gonna sleep in the office, I came here because it made sense to just leave together in the morning and you were gone. Q agreed to watch Izzy tomorrow, so I'm good to go with you. After that, I think we should go back to how things have been and I don't think it's smart for me to be a Mama to this new baby...his baby."_

_"What are you saying, B?"_

_"That when it comes to that baby, you're on your own."_

* * *

I was stunned as I sat in there sobbing my heart out. She left for the office and I just sat there feeling unhinged. 

Right then, I knew that I shouldn't be alone, so that night, I made my second visit up to the third floor after that bomb drop had me shaking.

I knocked hesitantly, not sure if Celia was still here.

But when Q opened the door, she had zit cream on her face and was in her ugliest set of pajamas.

 _"I take it my sister left?"_ I croaked.

 _"That's rude."_ She said with a lisp because she had her retainer in.

_"Can I sleep in here tonight?"_

She sighed but didn't move.

_"Did you stay sober tonight?"_

I looked her in the eyes and nodded.

_"As a nun."_

_"Nuns drink."_

_"Well then sober as whoever the soberest person in the world is...the Dali Lama maybe?"_

_"Probably, come on in."_

I slid into Q's cool sheets beside her and she became the big spoon, holding me tight against her and resting her chin on top of my head.

_"I missed this...what happened to us, Q?"_

_"You are the busiest non-working person in the world, S. Drifting is bound to happen now that I'm in school."_

_"We can do better."_

_"I hope so. Tell me what's bothering you."_

_"She doesn't want this baby...I just...it feels like she's rejecting me too."_

_"Can you blame her?"_

_"I...would you...if the tables were turned and you were my wife...would you deny this baby?"_

_"Of course not but I'm not your wife and Britt has been off her meds for a really long time. She's not herself and frankly, neither are you. What were you thinking tonight? Setting fires?"_

_"She told you?"_

_"Not the baby denying part but the what you were up to part."_

_"I committed a felony today by destroying evidence and it wouldn't be the first time."_

_"Why am I not surprised?"_

_"Because I'm me."_

_"Should I worry?"_

_"No. I have never felt more like myself than I do right now. She just can't handle me like this...not while she's not level."_

_"So what are you going to do about it because let me tell you, being in the middle has been nearly impossible."_

_"I'm sorry, Q."_

_"It's fine, at least I can escape to Brooklyn but that's a long way to commute for class. So figure it out or next semester, I'm moving on campus. I didn't agree to move into this house for all of this. I came because you begged me to but I never see you anymore. You don't talk to me...not like this. I am glad you are finding yourself but can you do that without losing me in the process?"_

_"You're right, I'll do better."_

_"Good, now be quiet. I have a hot date with your son tomorrow...I want to be ready for him!"_

* * *

I woke up to Quinn getting dressed. She was topless as she did her makeup and I let out a low whistle.

She glared at me through her mirror and then stuck out her tongue before grabbing a random shirt and pulling it over her head. There was a knock at the door and then Britt was poking her head in.

 _"Oh thank God...what are you doing up here?"_ She asked me and then looked over at Q.

_"I didn't want to sleep alone, Q let me cuddle with her."_

_"You snore like a boar, I spent most of the night with a pillow over my head."_ Quinn said as she began spiking her hair.

 _"I do not snore."_ I hurled a pillow at her but it fell at her feet and she snickered.

Britt chuckled and then opened the door wider, revealing that she had the baby strapped to her chest.

I rolled out of bed, feeling like a parade float at this point.

_"Your mom called, you didn't answer so she called me. I may have told her about the divorce and the shooting...she didn't know?"_

I slapped my hand to my head.

 _"Shit, no. She's not going to let me live this down now."_ I got out of the bed and pulled Q into a tight hug, not allowing myself to forget, even for a second what I stood to lose if I let her pull away from me and become the ice queen again. _"Thank you for holding me last night, Q."_ And then Britt be damned. I pulled away and looked into her eyes, then I pressed my lips to hers quickly.

Her eyes were wide as she looked over at Britt but she wasn't even paying attention to us, she was busy wiping spit-up off Isaac.

_"I love you...go call your mom. Are you going to be staying here tonight or going up to Sandra's?"_

_"Staying here."_

_"Awesome, movie night?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"Great! Hand me my baby, B...we have a date planned."_ Q said.

Britt unstrapped Isaac and handed him to me first. I kissed his face and gave him a deep sniff before handing him off to Q.

* * *

Once Quinn was gone, Britt let her guard down while I got ready for my appointment. I had already gotten a text from Dr. Ramirez reminding me to show up or she'd go tell Mami. Knowing her though, she probably already did and that's why Mami had called in the first place.

I was wearing a really nice sundress that went down to my ankles, a la Quinn Fabray... since it was her dress. I looked stunning in it and was working on my makeup when Britt sat on the edge of the bed and huffed until I acknowledged her with a raised brow.

_"You can't keep kissing her like that, she's with your sister now."_

_"It's not sexual, B."_ She rolled her eyes.

_"Just stop doing it, Q looked uncomfortable. You aren't in Lima anymore."_

_"Does it really bother you that much?"_

_"I don't care what you do anymore."_

_"You've made that obvious...since Isaac is out for the day and it's not your day, you can go."_

_"You asked me to go to your appointment with you, so I'm going."_

I put down my eye pencil and took a deep breath before turning to look at her.

_"I asked you to go before you decided to not be a parent to this baby. You're off the hook, B. Go home."_

She stood to her feet and stepped into my personal space, her hands coming to my stomach and she pressed her lips to the hickey that I had covered up.

_"I was just mad that you let him get so close to you and you've been keeping me at a distance...since that day at my place."_

_"You made me feel like a whore, B."_ I took a step back and waited for eyes to shift into that anger that she'd been showing me for so long.

And there it was.

_"Aren't you...just a little?"_

_"If I am, I learned it from you."_

I pushed at her shoulders just enough to get her to take a step back but I must have hit her still healing shoulder because she hissed.

_"What the fuck, Santana?!"_

I watched it in slow motion, the way her hand raised and I reached up and gripped her wrist. Holding it there before she could strike.

_"Take your meds, B."_

She snatched her hand away and stormed from the room.

This couldn't be how we worked now.

I loved her and I knew somewhere under all her shit, she loved me too but I wasn't going to stand to be anyone's punching bag.

Not again.

Fuck that.

* * *

We didn't speak the whole way to the doctor's office. Britt sat in the waiting room anxiously while they took me back for my vitals. When I came back, she was texting furiously on her phone.

 _"Can you not be on your phone right now?"_ I asked quietly.

 _"You can't tell me what to do anymore."_ She grumbled and then went back to her phone.

I don't know what came over me but I snatched the phone from her hand.

_"Maybe not but I pay for this fucking phone and I gave you an out to not be here but here you are so the least you could do was stay off your fucking phone."_

_"Always about the damned money!"_ She snatched it back and then moved two seats over.

The receptionists were watching us and I didn't feel like causing any more of a scene, so I just closed my eyes and pulled my rosary out from beneath my dress. I quietly prayed the rosary. Trying to get my head and body to be calm since they'd be taking my blood pressure and God knows I didn't want to be back on that high blood pressure diet that I was on last year.

 _"Santana Lopez?"_ I stood to my feet and then glanced over at B.

 _"You coming?"_ I asked and she shoved her phone in her pocket and stood to her feet.

She took her time stretching before taking my outstretched hand.

My irritation was climbing the longer this day went and I knew that bringing her here was a gigantic mistake.

But now was not the time to pick a fight.

We walked into the exam room and I headed into the bathroom with my dressing gown and changed. When I caught my reflection, I looked paler than I would have liked. I badly needed a spray tan. When I walked into the exam room, I expected Britt to be back on her phone but she was looking at the charts on the wall.

 _"Hey, B. Sorry I took your phone."_ I said, trying to extend an olive branch.

_"It's whatever, I should have expected it."_

_"What's do y-"_ I took a deep breath instead and climbed up onto the exam table, draping the paper sheet over my lap. I was straightening it, trying to ignore the scowl on Britt's face as she stared out the window.

 _"Why are you so pissy, B? You insisted on coming, remember?"_ she looked at me suddenly and scowled.

_"I don't think being around you like this is helping me fix whatever is broken between us."_

_"You know what, B...I agree but we wanted to be good co-parents for Isaac and that starts with us at least being friends."_

_"Yeah, well I don't know how to do that when you avoid me and my apartment, you keep lying to me about things. I could see it in your eyes last night that you were still hiding something from me."_

_"You're being paranoid. I was being honest with you last night."_

_"I don't believe that for a second."_

_"Did you take your meds?"_

_"Yes because I knew it'd be easier to deal with you."_ I ignored the jab and focused on what I could handle.

_"All of them?"_

_"I'm out of Lithium, I ran out a while ago and haven't refilled it...I'm trying to stay off them."_

_"Why didn't you say anything? We have to refill it today, you once told me that you didn't want to be around Isaac unless you were level and more and more I can see that you are so far from level."_

_"You call it level, I call it dopey and stupid. I'm the same person on and off them."_

_"Are you fucking joking?"_ I snapped.

* * *

Dr. Cabot chose that moment filled with tension and angst to walk in.

I was thankful for the distraction but knew that I wasn't finished with Britt. Not by a long shot.

_"Santana Lopez you look stunning and healthy! When you stopped coming in, I was worried that you'd drop weight and be sick like your chart signaled from your last pregnancy but I am pleasantly surprised. Come on over here and climb on this scale for me."_

I hopped down from the table and immediately felt B steadying me as I landed. The united front was back, maybe one of those pills was doing something...but I needed her back full force. I was tired of the bullshit.

I held onto the crunchy gown that I was wearing and stepped up onto the scale.

 _"Whoa, mama! You have exceeded my expectations Santana. 133 pounds. Good job."_ I shook off the feeling of disgust. I had gained a lot of weight and when you go from having an eating disorder to putting on thirty pounds, its a killer.

I returned back to the table, where Britt helped me back up. I smiled a thanks and then turned to Dr. Cabot who immediately began checking my blood pressure and heart rate. She was in a fabulous mood and I liked it. Maybe all the previous crabbiness had just been at seeing me so small and not taking proper care of myself.

_"Everything is great, your blood pressure is slightly high but not obscenely. Have you been under any added stress?"_

I glanced over at Britt and then back at the doctor. _"A little."_

_"Hmm, well keep it at just a little. How are you on pain?"_

_"Nothing beyond the normal. I've been okay...a little shaky, sometimes."_

_"Have you been eating a lot of green vegetables?"_

_"Not really."_

_"Let's try that and I'm going to prescribe a prenatal with added iron, you're a little low. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Any spotting?"_

_"No."_

_"Great. Lie back and let's check out this baby. "_

* * *

I hated the exam part, I always felt violated by that damn wand. She spread the jelly on my stomach and then began to roll that contraption on my stomach. The baby's heart beat filled the room and I couldn't help but smile and neither could Britt.

She was weakening on this whole stance of not being a Mama to this baby but I was going to make her work to take those words back because I would not have her treating this baby like shit compared to Isaac.

 _"So when can we find out the sex?"_ Britt asked Dr. Cabot

 _"Now, if you'd like."_ I looked at B and then at the doctor. I hadn't wanted to know but with Marco being adamant about the sex, I had to know.

 _"Yes."_ I said and then Britt scooted closer.

Dr. Cabot continued to scan me and then checked her notes for my blood work before smiling.

_"It's a girl."_

_"Who runs the world?"_ Britt mumbled next to my ear and I felt warmth go through me at her joke. Marco had been right, a freaking girl. God help me.

 _"How am I looking, doc?"_ I asked.

The heartbeat bumped through the speaker and sounded great. I loved to hear the sound. I watched the screen and could see the little flutter as she moved around in there. It was amazing that I felt so connected to that piece of life that I was creating. I looked over at Britt and could see her tearing up like she was in love.

Where the fuck was this version of her last night when she was tearing my heart from my chest?

Dr. Cabot removed the gross stuff and allowed me to wipe off my stomach. I sat up and hung my feet over the side.

_"Everything is right on track, your urine came back clean, so that's great. Keep that up. I'm officially revoking your bed rest. You are off restriction with the caveat that if you slip up with taking care of yourself that you will end up right back on it, so it's your choice."_

_"So I can carry Isaac now?"_

_"Not that you haven't and forget about bed rest, you've been back and forth, breaking rules and shit."_ Britt mumbled, so not a united front! Dr. Cabot shot B a look and then looked at me. I glared at Britt and then smiled at Dr. Cabot.

 _"Ignore her, she's grumpy."_ I said but Dr. Cabot had heard B loud and clear.

_"Violating my orders, are you?"_

_"You said two weeks of bed rest but it's been much longer, so I figured it was fine."_

_"Obviously you were right, Mom tends to know best but in the future let's keep ignoring my orders to a minimum."_

_"Yes, doc."_

_"Now that you're properly scolded, you can_ _feel free to carry him whenever you want. Just be cautious, if you start to feel faint, avoid stairs and hand him off to his other Mama."_

_"Okay."_

_"I want to see you in another five weeks. You will have hit six months by then. Let's shoot for a five pound weight gain. Since you are off bed rest I want you walking more."_

_"You got it."_

_"Okay, ladies, take care of yourselves and call me with any questions or issues. Try not to be a ghost, got it?"_

_"Got it. See you in five weeks."_

* * *

When we were alone I got dressed quietly. I was so angry with her that I was beyond words, it was time to fix a grievous error on her part. She was being irrational and wasn't thinking straight.

Be cool, Lopez.

 _"Hungry B?"_ she seemed shocked that I didn't snap at her. She stood there a second before nodding her head. _"I'm craving Chinese...sound good?"_

_"Yes."_

I reached out for her hand and didn't say another word as we headed down to the parking garage. She was trapped inside her own head as I held onto her and walked happily as if I didn't have a care in the world. I knew that I was throwing her for a loop but I was just biding my time. I was upset but I wasn't going to allow my blood pressure to shoot through the roof because of Britt.

When we got down to street level I saw a big chain pharmacy and got even more excited because I knew for a fact that they had Britt's prescription on file. Good, we would take care of it before anything else.

Instead of walking into the parking garage I pulled her to the corner and waited for the light to change.

 _"Where are we going?"_ she asked as we walked across the street in the opposite direction of the car.

 _"To the pharmacy."_ I pulled her through all the people and then straight into the store.

_"You really want to do this right now?"_

_"Oh yes, no time like the present, to handle a big error in judgement."_ I said as we went to the back counter. She tried to walk up to the counter alone but I walked with her, just to make sure that she got the proper medication.

We stood at the counter together and this squirrel of a man came up to us.

_"Can I help you ladies?"_

_"Yes my wife needs a three month supply of her lithium she keeps forgetting to take it."_ I said cheerfully.

He nodded and turned to his computer.

_"Name?"_

She kept her eyes down as she spoke, I could tell that she was embarrassed and while that hadn't been my intention, it seemed like a necessary process. I honestly never thought that she was ashamed of this in front of the pharmacist, I mean he sees people with issues everyday.

_"Brittany S. Pierce."_

_"Birth date?"_

_"October 31st, 1994."_

_"Okay, I have it. It will take about ten minutes. Have a seat."_

_"Thanks."_ she mumbled without looking up.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her away from the counter and noticed that she was fighting tears.

* * *

_"I didn't mean to embarrass you Britt Britt."_

_"It's fine."_ she whispered as she grabbed a basket. _"Let's get your craving stuff since we are here."_ she mumbled.

She started walking ahead of me but I held her hand tight so she couldn't go very far. _"B? Please...I'm sorry."_ I hated seeing her like this, I was mad but I never wanted to be an asshole to her.

 _"Santana...please...just forget it okay?"_ she snapped at me. She had moved from sad to angry so fast that I dropped her hand and took a step back from her.

I walked ahead of her and began to grabbing stuff that I had been craving like chips and crackers with cheese and tried to ignore the hurt that we kept causing each other. I kept throwing things in the basket and it was filled up in no time.

After about a minute of her attitude, I walked off and called Mami, who was thankfully preoccupied with work and kept the convo brief.

Basically, she had a huge case load and couldn't be here for me like she wanted. After kinda suggesting it but making her feel like she came up with it, she asked me to visit her and to bring Isaac, it didn't seem like a huge ask for her because she didn't know how bad things had gotten. I needed this trip and she had given me the out I had wanted. Besides, I knew that with her job, Britt couldn't just drop everything and go back to Lima.

She was also super angry and petty right now, there was no way she wouldn't put up a fight over taking Isaac.

I just had to find the right moment which meant, I had to play nice.

We headed back to the pharmacy section and I spotted a little plastic pill counter with the days written out. I grabbed two of them and put them in the basket and then I went in search of my vitamins. Britt looked at me and sighed heavily before she went and sat by the pharmacy with the basket and waited for me. Normally at times like this she would be texting but she was being nice I guess, so instead she was popping her gum.

Annoying as fuck but I was going to let it be...she was hurt and so was I. No need to make it worse.

The pharmacist called us over and I paid for everything including a bottle of water. I held my hand out to Britt and she stood there staring at my hand a full minute before she took it.

I knew she was mad at me and I didn't want to push her. I had overstepped, but unlike how we'd been recently, a part of her was letting me do it, maybe because I was holding her to her word. She promised to be level for Isaac and that's not what was happening.

* * *

When we climbed in the car I rummaged through the bag and dug out two pills. I handed them to B with the bottle of water. She looked away from me and then back down at her open palm. She quickly tossed the pills back and then swallowed a huge gulp of water. I then grabbed a vitamin and did the same thing.

 _"Do you still want to eat?"_ she mumbled. _"I think I lost my appetite."_ she admitted.

_"We can just go back to the house and order in, I think today was hard on us both."_

_"Yeah. Okay."_

As we drove the three miles I watched as her face lost the anguish and gradually calmed down, she became a Brittany that I hadn't seen in forever. That's the effect the medicine has. That's why I push her to take them.

I waited for the garage door to close and then I turned to B.

_"We need to talk about this breakdown between us...and something that I think might help, okay?"_

_"Isn't that all we do? We keep talking and talking but nothing gets said."_ she said as she looked me in the eyes. There was still some hurt in her eyes but the anger was gone.

 _"Yes but this kind of talk is different. I would love it if we could go upstairs and you could fuck me, B...but not like a whore...like the woman I know you still love."_ I said feeling shy. Her face brightened up.

_"Really?"_

_"Yes. We can do whatever you want just as long as you treat me like you used to."_ I needed to give her some of her control back before I yanked the rug from under her feet.

_"Why all of a sudden, I thought you wanted to keep things between us separated?"_

_"I know that I keep giving you mixed signals but for me, the divorce wasn't because we hated each other. It was out of necessity so that we could get our lives together, separately. We haven't been doing that, I think we need a way to reconnect first and this might help."_

_"You still want me, even though I've been...you know, crazy?"_

_"I always want you B, I've missed you and we rarely have a minute alone. We need to reconnect, in the first way that we learned how."_

_"Okay."_ Her face lit up and she happily took my hand.

* * *

Britt pulled my dress over my head and then unclasped my bra. I stood there watching her take complete control and felt chills running up and down my spine. She held my breasts firmly in her hands and massaged them a little too roughly, but when I hissed out she smiled. I moaned as I leaned up to kiss her but she leaned back and shook her head, rejecting me.

I couldn't hold in my frustrated groan because I so wanted to just throw her down and straddle her face and be done with it but this wasn't about me. Britt ran her hands over my stomach and then she pushed my panties to the floor. I stood in front of her completely exposed and looked up at her with an open expression, begging her to take me.

_"You are so beautiful Ana."_

_"So are you B but do I get to see you?"_ It didn't escape my notice that while she stripped me bare she still remained fully clothed, jacket and all.

 _"Patience Amor."_ she said as she captured my lips in a bruising kiss. I was breathless as she stepped back from me and then headed into the bathroom. I froze and felt the chills actually cause me to tremble.

I took slow deep breaths and then reached back and let down my ponytail and allowed my hair to caress my shoulders, that's how B loved it best and this was about her.

Right?

Britt finally came out of the bathroom with her long hair trailing down her back wearing nothing but the strap on. I felt my body tense as she stepped up close to me and began to kiss me again. I could feel the thing poking at my baby bump and felt a little bit queasy but wasn't sure if it was me or the baby. I forced a smile as she led me onto my back on the bed and then began to kiss me hard when we broke for air I looked up in her eyes and all traces of hurt and anger had disappeared, replaced by emotions that I couldn't quite trace but that I hoped were good, loving ones.

I could feel her pressing against my entrance and tried to relax, knowing that if I remained tense that this would hurt. It had been a while and I was nervous so it took me a moment to convince my body to stop tensing. Britt finally noticed.

 _"Just relax Ana."_ she whispered. I took a deep breath swallowed and then looked at her, with what I hope was a loving glance. _"Are you ready?"_ she was watching my face closely and waiting for my answer. I smiled and nodded. Without a seconds hesitation after that, she slid fully into me.

 _"Britt!"_ I moaned out, feeling the pain rip through me but disguising it as pleasure. I looked up at her and tried to find the love behind her lustful eyes.

She smiled and kissed me deeply as she continued to thrust into me hard and fast. She lifted my legs, resting them on her shoulders and then shoved a pillow underneath my ass. I couldn't really see her eyes now and that scared me but then I could see that she was nervous about squishing the baby.

After propping me up she held my waist tightly and began thrusting harder, pain was replaced with pleasure and all the heaviness that had existed in the last month drifted away. It was just the two of us grunting and moaning.

* * *

 _"Oh God! Britt I'm cumming! Fuck!"_ My body was vibrating and my hips were jerking as I felt my whole body tighten up and I reached the brink of bliss. I came back to back to back. She continued to thrust into me but slower this time. I couldn't keep track of the amount of times that I came as she rubbed furiously at my clit. I was definitely going to be sore by the end of it but when I looked at her I could see that her confidence had returned.

I was happy to see that Britt finally came after my fourth or ninth orgasm. She stayed there inside of me as she knelt in front of me so that she could hover above my face. She bent her body so that she wasn't leaning heavily on my stomach but was still touching it.

_"Are you okay, Ana? Do you want more?"_

_"I don't think that can't take anymore."_ I whispered, since my voice was almost completely gone. She smiled, shit like that pumped up her ego big time, it pumped up Marco's so I wasn't surprised it worked on her.

She had conquered me, which I guess is a feat? I didn't think too hard about it since she was still completely inside of me. I looked up at her and smiled. Whatever it takes to fix this.

 _"Okay...I'll go slow?"_ she wanted to cum again. So I just gave in. I was so tired as she held me tighter until she finally came. She pulled out of me and laid down and hummed softly as she held my trembling body against her own and kissed me every few seconds. I brushed her hair out of her face and looked into her eyes.

_"That's was amazing Britt Britt."_

_"Thanks for that Ana."_

_"I missed this version of you."_ I whispered and kissed her nose.

_"I miss us too, so much. I hate these pills but if taking them helps us get back to the good stuff, I'll do it. I changed my mind about this baby too. She's our little girl. Please let me be there for you?"_

_"B, it can't be that simple. I need to know you're serious, I can't take the heartbreaking feeling of you rejecting her like last night."_

_"It won't happen again."_

_"I'm happy that you made love to me. It was just what I needed."_ I said, changing the subject. 

_"And you wanted me to feel better, admit it!"_ she said grinning.

 _"Ok, fine...you caught me."_ I said as I kissed her lips again.

_"I knew it! You can try to make me feel better any time."_

_"Sometimes you are such a guy, Britt."_

_"But you like it...right...I mean I know you're a lesbian and that I'm the bi one...but you like it like that right?"_ She suddenly looked insecure.

" _If I didn't like it on some level...I wouldn't be pregnant again...right?"_ I cringed as I unwittingly brought Marco back to the forefront but there was no storm in her eyes and I knew this was my chance.

 _"I guess you're right."_ She giggled and was still smiling, the anger was gone. Just my Britt Britt, definitely the right time.

* * *

_"While we are on good terms, I need to ask you for a favor, B."_

_"Okay?"_

_"I want to fly to Lima to visit Mami before I can't fly anymore and I want to take Isaac with me."_

Her eyebrow raised.

_"Okay...when?"_

_"Well first, I'd have to take him to the doctor and make sure he can fly but I was thinking Monday, we'd go for two weeks. That would give his lungs time to rest between flights."_

_"And what about our arrangement?"_

_"Right, um...how about when we get back you can have him for two weeks straight...and while I'm Lima, I can take him to see your parents."_

_"Just two weeks?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Why do you want to do this all of a sudden?"_

_"I called Mami back when we were at the store and she misses us. She can't fly right now and it sounds like she's working herself into the ground. With her heart like it is, I worry that she isn't taking care of herself and I'm all she really has. Now that Celia is in New York, there's no one really checking in on Mami."_

She leaned in and kissed me hard, then brought a hand to my belly.

_"And you'll go see Dr. Ramirez when you're there, to make sure the flight wasn't too hard on our little Princess, right?"_

Princess...Princesa...I was nauseous.

_"Right. I can do that, Dr. Cabot would totally be down with it too."_

_"Okay but that means, I'm taking Izzy tonight and tomorrow. You can't have Sunday and then two weeks...it's not fair."_

_"Makes sense. Thanks, B."_

_"You know how I'd like to be thanked, for realz?"_ She joked _._

_"How?"_

_"You on all fours."_

I groaned as I got up, trading sex for favors was a game I could play without a second thought...this was no different.

 _"Say less, Daddy."_ I smirked and she actually growled.

And I'm the horn dog!

* * *

By the time that Q got home, she was walking into an alternate dimension. Britt had fucked me for hours, only stopping so we could eat and take a quick nap before going at it again. I had a new hickey to cover up that rivaled the tiny one that Marco had left and my body was deliciously sore.

When Q pushed the door open, we were cuddled up on the couch, sharing a bucket of fried chicken and watching Cupcake Wars.

Quinn blinked a few times and then she smiled.

_"This is a welcome sight, maybe I should take Isaac for more dates."_

I winked at her and then reached our for my little guy.

_"Gimme the kid, Q."_

_"He's asleep."_

_"I don't care, I want snuggles."_

_"She's emotional about this cupcake lady making the best design and getting cut, just give her the baby before she cries."_ B said and I nodded with my lip poked out until Quinn had relinquished my sleeping baby into my arms.

I cradled him against my chest and kissed his face over and over.

And then I saw that his hair wasn't his usual bushy little fro, it was slicked and combed.

Quinn had been tiptoeing up the stairs but I wasn't having it.

 _"What did you do to my baby, Lucy?"_ She cringed and then turned around with a smirk.

_"It's just baby-safe hair gel, I wanted to see what he'd look like with his hair actually styled. He's handsome isn't he?"_

_"No, he looks like a dork."_ I muttered softly ruffling his hair back into his beloved curls.

 _"That's mean."_ Britt said, wagging her finger at me.

_"Sorry, B."_

_"Okay, obviously I'm sleep deprived, what is going on with you two. Did you fuck or something?"_

I covered Isaac's ears.

_"Language Lucy, if we did F-U-C-K, it's none of your business."_

_"It is, if it means that I need to restock my earplugs!."_

Before I could answer, Britt cut in.

_"I took my meds today and we had a real talk. It's not perfect but we're working on it."_

_"Yeah, you two definitely did it,"_ She threw up her hands though, _"but hey, if this is the byproduct...I can't be mad at it."_

My phone buzzed and I could see it was an unknown caller, which meant only one thing.

_"Take him, B...I need to get this."_

She looked hurt all of a sudden but took Isaac without argument.

I answered the phone as I walked out of the living room and locked myself in the guest room.

Please God, don't let our truce fall apart before I get out of New York.

Lord knows I need everything to go as planned and so much of that meant that B wouldn't put up much fuss.

Me traveling alone while this far into my pregnancy sent up red flags for those who pay attention to those sorts of things, but me traveling back home with my son was less of a big deal.

Less noticeable.

I had to keep her happy and unless I wanted to spend the next two days on all fours distracting her, I needed to keep the sneaky shit to a minimum.

* * *

As I rested back against the headboard, hoping to God that nothing was fucked up by me answering this call, I accepted the call.

 _"Hi Princesa."_ He said, making me go cold.

That name was reserved for when he meant business or when I had fucked up.

_"Hi."_

_"You were seen last night."_

_"Shit."_

_"Exactly, let that be the last time you're out running around the city when you should be home taking care of yourself and the baby."_ Code for, don't be so fucking obvious pendeja. Message received.

 _"I had my appointment today and you were right."_ I replied trying to keep this recorded conversation leaning towards normal.

_"See God believes in karma, I just hope she is smarter than us both."_

_"Me too."_

_"So did she agree...to let you go?"_

_"Yes, about that, you need to keep these calls to a minimum. She gets jealous."_

_"She's your ex."_

_"And so are you the difference is, I'd like to marry her again someday and I can't do that if I'm so visibly tied to you...you get that Daddy-o."_ Code for, back the fuck off or you're going to get us caught.

_"I get that, lo siento, Princesa. I'm glad you get to check in on your mom. I know how sick she got."_

_"Yeah, she's definitely overdoing it, that's where I get it from."_

_"Verdad. Okay well, thank you for letting me know it's a girl and thank you for visiting and topping off my commissary."_

_"You're welcome. I'm gonna go now. Take care of yourself."_

_"You too, Anita."_

* * *

I'd been right about her jealousy and I took the lead once we got Isaac bathed and down for the night.

She came into the bedroom, with her slippers on, all ready to go sleep in the office again and I'm sure expected me to be ready for bed too but instead I was naked on all fours, shaking my ass at her.

 _"More?"_ She said, closing and locking the door before I heard the jingle of her belt.

_"Please, Daddy."_

_"Is this an apology?"_

_"Yes."_ I said before burying my face in the pillows.

Her hand smacked my ass and I groaned, feeling the wetness soaking my legs.

_"Yes, what?"_

_"Yes, Daddy."_ I groaned as another slap came down.

Forever ago, this wasn't fun for me but now with my hormones raging and me trying to stitch my reality into a better bigger picture, I wanted more. Once I was gone, I was afraid of who she'd become without me checking that she took her pills. I was afraid that taking Isaac away until she got her act together would make her crazier.

But I was praying that it would do some good.

That she'd be my wife again...my love.

I needed this plan to work more than I needed air.

So much had been screwed up and Marco had sworn to me that he'd help me make it right. He told me we'd have to break it completely apart, burn it down to rebuild and I couldn't help but agree. It was probably super stupid to trust him but what choice did I have? If I could make my heart love someone else, God knows that I would but it's just not that simple.

Another smack this time hard enough to jolt me and I was back in that room, back enjoying what she was doing to me.

Then came her pushing that thing inside me again and Q was just going to have to forgive me because the panting that I did after that was loud and harsh. She edged me until I was near tears before she let me have my release.

I passed out in her arms, smelling of sex, apologies and goodbyes.


	17. My Fault (Imagine Dragrons)

In the two weeks, after letting Britt fuck me on that counter, I had sulked at Sandra's but I'd also been digging. Slowly, carefully, and quietly. I learned three major things in my search, my sister has terrible passwords, she has no idea what a paper trail is, and that Carmen was tucked safely away on a military base in Puerto Rico. My first instinct was to go to her but despite what Marco had said about the price on my head being gone, I didn't trust him.

He had eyes and ears everywhere so I needed to not compromise Carmen's well-being like I had Nico's.

My fault.

When I found what I needed, I put things back where I found them, installed a firewall on Sandra's computer, cleared her history and set up password parameters so that she'd be forced to make a better password the next time she got onto her system.

Normal shit.

A few days later when I went to see Marco and he had basically told me that it was him that was out to silence Carmen, I knew that I needed to do something more to protect her.

 _"Do this one favor for me and I'll let you spend the rest of your pregnancy in peace."_ He said and I sat there, my neck aching and my stomach rumbling from lack of lunch. I knew right then that this was a golden opportunity to bury Carmen's location.

_"What do you need?"_

_"Go to the penthouse, it's not as cleaned out as it looks. In that fake ass fireplace, you'll find things that might interest you. Take them down to the underpass and burn them."_

_"That's it?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Do you have anything at Nico's house? I know that most people don't know it exists."_ This was my way of throwing him off my scent. I didn't want to seem too eager though. _"I'd like to handle everything at once so I don't need to come back here."_

_"It doesn't hurt to look but I would be very careful, Princesa. Nico was a ghost and obviously he taught Carmen to be the same but that doesn't mean that his house isn't being watched. It's less than a block from the diner. Use that baby bump to your advantage."_

_"Okay, anything else?"_

_"Gladys had a heart attack a few months back, correct?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Right now might be a good opportunity to go see her. Check in on your property...you know make sure things are up to par."_

_"Britt's not going to let me go, I can tell you that now."_

_"She will if you appeal to her soft side. I know she's acting loca but you have your ways, Anita. You know how to make a person drop their guard and give you what you want. If you could charm me, then you can charm her."_

_"Fine."_

_"You should do things as soon as possible...the longer you linger the more you stink."_

* * *

I'd left Rikers and gone to Carmen and Nico's first because it wouldn't be expected. I found Carmen's pregnancy jeans that had the girdle belly support and changed into them before I went looking.

Nico was way more secure than my sister, everything I knew about erasing my trail came from him. I knew for instance that after two password failures, his entire system was erased from the face of the Earth, infecting any hacker that tried to get to his info.

He'd been dead for less than a week at that point and the apartment looked untouched. I logged into his system and put in two bogus passwords and watched as things were silently erased. Then his alarm system gave a warning, five minutes until meltdown.

I needed to be a ghost.

So I went to the kitchen first, seeing cocaine in the same place that Carmen lived everyday threw me. Nico wouldn't do that...and then it hit me.

Nico wouldn't do that but Carmen would, just like I had in my house. Sure Nico had put it there but in every property I had made myself an exit route. A place to sink into if I couldn't be sober and wanted to just end it all.

Her kitchen had been her sanctuary and I had found her backup plan.

I padded the pregnancy pants with all the cocaine and then wrapped my lower belly with cellophane before putting everything back. Triggering the system would take care of what I couldn't.

Exiting the house through an underground door into the back of a bodega had been genius. At least I thought it was but when I came down the aisle, I saw a face I thought I recognized behind the counter. I grabbed a pack of crackers and took it to the counter and paid for them.

I didn't grab anything to drink.

After that, I detoured to see Ari just in case I was being followed, I was allowed to sit in on one of her performances. She was endlessly graceful and beautiful. After her class, she looked in my eyes and asked me how I was. She'd been there that day and knew that I was taking it hard. We went back to her room and she pressed kisses to my face and held me while I cried. I told her about my fears...about Marco...my plan and she kissed all my fears away.

She asked for more time with me and I said next weekend, knowing I'd be far away. This lifetime wasn't ours. My kisses were reserved for B...I still believed that but it felt good to know that if I couldn't have B, all hope wasn't lost someone I'd always loved...felt the same for me.

After leaving Ari, feeling more empowered, I went to the penthouse. I was so tired from all of my crying and just wanted to rest but I couldn't, not yet.

So much of me wanted to touch the coke in my pants but I had a doctor's appointment the next day and I wanted so badly to get through a pregnancy sober.

Because of this baby and Isaac, I resisted.

Marco had made retrieving his stuff sound so simple.

It wasn't though, I had to get on my hands and knees, climb practically half into the fireplace just to see the shelves he'd installed inside. Marco had everything orderly. There was a whole file on Nico and then I saw it...a binder...on me and one on Carmen.

Then my heart slowed...Nico had left this here, there was no way that it was Marco. Right then, there was no doubt in my mind that Marco had tried to set me up but I thwarted him repeatedly. What I was looking at though, was a kill file full of the habits, schedules, and pictures of my family and friends.

Only Nico, the hit man...the ghost, the first man in New York to treat me like a human and not just flesh, wouldn't do it. He wouldn't kill for Marco, so Marco had him killed. I should have known when Mr. Evans, sweet 'kiss me', old man who wanted me away from Marco and Nico...was unsuspecting and perfect to take down the ghost himself.

That parting shot at Brittany was probably a last minute decision.

I knelt on the same floor that I nearly overdosed on and wept as I looked through stacks of pictures of my son...Brittany...my sisters...their houses...mine. No one who was near me was safe, I knew that when I saw a photo of Shelby and Beth and I felt so fucking responsible.

My fault.

All of it.

Then, I felt sicker when I saw still photos of the videos in the West Lima house, pictures of me snorting coke off a table in Lima while pregnant...me dividing the drugs into baggies...me taking the drugs with me. Photos of me loading up the old convertible.

Blackmail.

He created insurance of his own on me, probably his backup plan to take this baby from my womb.

I went back to the fireplace and I took everything, shoving it all into an old accordion folder.

Then something crossed my thoughts...the big drop off I had made with Sandra, if the stuff was still here then I'd know for sure that he had been just playing us. Seeing if he could get us to jump and do his bidding.

I laughed maniacally when I opened the piano and saw that the drop we'd made had been an empty threat.

The bag of coke from my apartment was still there.

So was the money.

Motherfucker.

* * *

It all felt like a setup...the underpass...the cocaine...the fireplace.

So I went down near the warehouse that Brittany worked at instead and saw the hobos burning a fire in a barrel in the center of their tent city.

I took a stack of money from the bag and handed it to one of the hobos, told him to share with his friends...as long as I was invisible.

He asked if I was carrying anything else...so I broke him off some cocaine and then I stood there, alone and set every picture and piece of evidence on fire one by one...I stayed there, inhaling smoke and ash until there was no feasible way any of it could be recovered.

I caught some eyes looking at me, so I took another stack from the bag, ready to hand it to the set of eyes. It was a little girl, smaller than she should be and she was hungry. I walked back to my car, grabbed the crackers and gave them to her.

She couldn't eat money.

The delight in her eyes made me feel good.

Out of curiosity, to further solidify that I had been played, I drove near the underpass and sure enough, there were squad cars and cops frisking people. I'd dodged a bullet and didn't hesitate to drive my ass straight home after that.

By the time I got to the house, it was late and the house was dark. I used a baby wipe to clean my face and hands of soot and then, I popped open the side pocket on my driver door...just one trick that carried over from my convertible and I put every gram of cocaine in the compartment.

When I was practically accosted in the kitchen by Britt and Quinn moments later, I felt relieved that I had locked everything away. I tried to play it cool but I slurred and felt dizzy. Too much smoke.

My stomach was aching and my back was on fire.

I thought I was in the clear but then Marco told me the next day that I had been seen and I knew it had to be in that bodega but I didn't give him any inkling that I took more than he had asked me to.

All I knew was that I needed to go to Lima for as long as I could.

My kids were my priority.

Marco had been right about one thing, the longer I lingered the more I stank.

Britt had probably sensed all the lies, triggering her own attitude.

She'd always been able to figure me out.

I felt so unsafe.

Sleeping in Quinn's arms made me feel a little better.

Even though I lied to her.

If anything happened...it would be my fault.

The less she knew, the better.

* * *

After I'd let Britt fuck me into submission on Saturday night, I felt antsy. Sleep didn't last so in the middle of the night when Isaac woke up and Britt stumbled into his room, I slowly got up. My bladder was beyond full and I spent five minutes in the bathroom relieving myself.

Before I made another move, someone had to know what was going on and Sandra had been the ONE...she had my back and my front and my sides. I could trust her with my life and if anyone could keep people safe, it was her.

When I got back to the room, Britt still wasn't back and I knew that I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. There was way too much to do before we left. I started packing an overnight bag and then got dressed in comfy sweats before grabbing my phone and keys.

Britt came into the room while I was getting my shoes on and her eyes went wide.

_"Going somewhere?"_

_"I'll be back tomorrow night...what happened between us...wasn't a mistake. Was it?"_ I asked, not sure if this was going to make her feel like I couldn't take Isaac.

 _"No strings, that's what we agreed on."_ She said, climbing into bed. _"I'll stay here then with Izzy. Are you going to Sandra's?"_

_"Yeah. I'm headed straight there. I want you to be able to have Isaac all to yourself before I take him to Lima. Even though we had amazing sexy times, I want to respect your space and time with our son."_

She looked touched, Marco was right yet again, I knew when to turn on the charm.

 _"Thank you, baby."_ She said with a yawn.

_"I'll let you know when I get there. I love you."_

She pushed out her lips and I planted a big fat kiss on them.

I loved that dopey look on her face even if she thought she looked dumb, I thought she just looked adorable.

Once I cleared the hurdle of getting back in my car, I eased out into the near empty streets and began to head towards Westchester, only first, I cut through Nico's old neighborhood. The diner was dark and then I saw it...the house, the windows were burnt out and the door was boarded up.

Maybe I had set more than one fire that other night.

It was just before dawn by the time I got to Sandra's. Like my father, she was an early riser so even though the sun wasn't up, she was. I walked into the kitchen, feeling so weighed down and heavy.

_"Hey sis."_

_"Ready to tell me what you were up to last night?"_ She asked sitting back and taking a huge slurp of her coffee.

_"I'm ready to tell you everything, how bug free is this house?"_

She looked around and gave a shrug.

_"I didn't know that was a thing I should be worried about...want to go outside?"_

_"Yes."_ I said. She grabbed a banana and handed it to me.

* * *

When Sandra had gotten the renovations done on the apartment complex, I had one ask...repaint my old apartment and leave it fully furnished. After talking to her about everything with Marco, she handed me the keys to my old apartment and told me that with me out of the way, it'd be easier to protect Quinn and B.

I hadn't told Mami I was coming and I hadn't told Marco when I was leaving.

Sandra let me use Johnny's private jet, which allowed me to load it up with all the cocaine that I found and the money I essentially stole. Britt gave Isaac a million kisses and hugs before going with me just after dawn on Monday morning.

We flew into a tiny little airport in Lima and I took a cab to the apartment.

Isaac hadn't gone to the doctor in New York and it was stupid of me to take the risk but I knew that within the first day, I'd have to correct that error. Before seeing Mami or Susan, I would take both of us straight to the doctor and then, I would drop in on Mami.

That had been the plan and the entire time, I was waiting for some major thing to happen, something that Marco had done to bring us down but then I remembered how much he cared for this baby...even if he had tried to get me arrested.

Even if he knew about the flight, he'd never risk losing _"his"_ child.

We got to the apartment early, like before cheer practice early.

I got the taxi driver to take my stuff up to my place and then paid him triple his rate.

Once my stuff was inside, I strapped a sleepy Isaac to my chest, covered the carrier in a blanket and then walked across the street towards the field.

It had been forever since I had walked the track at McKinley.

The sun was shining and the autumn breeze was just warm enough for a light jacket.

My body felt lighter than it had felt in an eternity as I walked a lap on the clay. Then when Isaac began to gurgle, I pulled back the blanket and took a silly picture of us and sent it to Britt.

_**Safe on track-Ana** _

_**...** _

_**...** _

_**...** _

_**I miss that place-B** _

_**Me too-Ana** _

_**Kiss my mom for me?-B** _

_**You got it!-Ana** _

_**And Izzy too, lots of kisses!-B** _

I took a selfie of me planting a kiss on our son's head and sent it to her.

**_Perfect!-B_ **

* * *

After two full laps of the field, I went back to the apartment and took a nap with my son...setting an alarm for the last minute appointment that I had been able to get him at the hospital.

Only, I ended up sleeping very little and just watched my son sleep.

The peace of being back in that place that first felt like home, brought me back to the place that Britt and I had been at before I left for rehab. We'd been united and happy. Together, we had promised to make a life together in New York.

But now we were divorced and two nights before aside, we weren't really friends at this point.

I stood by what I told Q, there was something beyond bi-polar and her erratic pill taking, that had stolen the woman that I love from me. With that in mind, my first call of the day was to Susan.

_"Hello?"_

_"Hi, Susan."_

_"Call me Mom, I told you this."_

_"It doesn't feel right after everything that happened with me and B."_

_"Like what?"_

_"The divorce for one, she told me that you suggested she get her own lawyer and everything."_

_"I told her no such thing."_

Lies.

Fucking, B and her lies.

_"Well, she did and we are divorced officially. I would really like to sit and talk with you if you have time today."_

_"Today?"_

_"Right, I'm in town with the baby. A little vacation before I can't fly anymore. I figured that you'd want to see him and that would be a good chance for us to catch up."_

_"Okay, I'm working from home today so you can stop by whenever. I can't wait to see you!"_

_"Same. Oh and Su-Mom...can you not tell B that I told you?"_

_"Okay, if you think that's best."_

_"For now, it is best for everyone if we just talk first."_

_"Okay, I'm trusting you, Santana."_

_"Thank you...that's good to hear these days."_

_"I bet it is."_

And because I have manners, my next call was to my mother and the moment she knew that I was in town, she told me to stay put and she'd be right over.

So, who was I to argue, that meant one less trip to take.

I hung up with her and took a shower with Isaac, freshening us both up after a long morning.

The last thing I needed was to be scolded about how we smelled.

All I needed from this trip was clarity, healing, and fun.

God, how I missed having fun.

* * *

By the time that Mami came over, she had talked to Susan who had told her that I planned to stop by to talk about things. So while I unpacked and packed away things I didn't want found, they were plotting but because they were taking so long, my alarm sounded and I put my son back in the carrier and began my trek to the hospital.

Since I hadn't flown into Dayton, I hadn't been able to rent a car. I just figured I'd take one of the many cars that still sat at my father's house. In the meantime, I didn't want to miss my appointment.

_**I'm headed for a checkup w/ Dr. Ramirez-Anita** _

_**Dang!-Mami** _

_**What's up?-Anita** _

_**Me and Susan were going to surprise you!-Mami** _

_**Oh. Well since there are two of you, do you think you can drop off one of Papi's cars for me to get around?-Anita** _

_**You got it! We'll meet you at the doctors.-Mami** _

_**Awesome!-Anita** _

I smiled to myself as I made my way through the hospital parking lot and over to the annex. Dr. Ramirez was waiting for me in the waiting room with Dr. J and I couldn't help but smile.

 _"Hola!"_ I said and they both looked at me in shock. _"I know, I know, I got fat."_

Dr. J stood up and looked me over. _"You look amazing."_

_"Thanks! Dr. Cabot takes no shit."_

Dr. Ramirez rolled her eyes. _"Whatever, she got you after I had trained you. Now she gets the credit?"_

I threw up my hands.

_"You're right, the two of you definitely got me in shape."_

* * *

I went into Isaac's appointment with him and was amazed at how calm he was, which came down to him spending so much time in the hospital as a baby. He watched me as the doctor moved around him and I tried to smile at him but it made me so sad.

_"Well, he is sounding much better than he has in the past but the flight did irritate his lungs a bit. I want to give him a treatment and monitor him for a little while."_

_"Like overnight?"_ I said, my throat getting tight.

_"Oh no, nothing like that. Just while you go get checked out by Dr. Ramirez, he should be ready for you by the time you're done."_

Dr. J looked at me with a sympathetic smile and nodded towards me. _"I have been taking care of babies and adolescents longer than you've been alive and I have always carried a soft spot for Isaac, he is in good hands. Go."_

When I walked out of the exam room, I was wiping away tears and was greeted by two faces that I had missed so fucking much.

 _"Ay mija, que te pasa?"_ Mami said coming over to me and wrapping me in her arms. Susan hovered just behind with a soft smile that reminded me of the old Britt. Then more tears came and I had to step back from Mami or I wasn't going to be able to stop.

_"I'm fine, I just got worked up."_

_"Hey girl, are you ready?"_ Dr. Ramirez said as she looked at something on her tablet. _"Your ob just sent me your latest test results and asked me to do a full work up on you."_

 _"Seriously, it's been two days...is this about drugs?"_ I asked her and she looked at me with a calculating stare and nodded.

_"You coming here suddenly comes off as erratic and she was tipped off by your ex-husband that you might have slipped."_

I took a deep breath and followed her into the exam room, even now Marco was fucking with me.

Even though I hadn't invited them, Mami and Susan came into the room with me and since I had nothing to hide, I didn't put up a fight. Instead, I peed in the cup and sat completely still while she took vials of blood from me.

The baby was super active and it was giving me crazy heartburn but I just rubbed at my belly and started humming. Mami was watching me blatantly, while Susan, like her daughter, read the charts on the wall.

* * *

I got changed and climbed up on the exam table, ready to see my daughter and ignore everything else. Thankfully, Mami knew that there was a time and place for types of questions. Susan helped me get situated and then moved over to the side of the bed opposite my mom and took my hand in hers.

Like Mami she kept her comments to herself.

After a few moments, Dr. Ramirez came in with her tablet and a smirk on her face.

 _"I knew it when I saw you, that you were doing well."_ She said.

 _"All clear?"_ I asked, even though I knew for certain that I stayed clean even if I had over 3 million in cocaine in my apartment at the moment.

_"Yes but you knew that already."_

_"I did."_

_"Well now we can put the speculation to bed and focus on checking on your little miss."_

I waited for the squeals and they came only seconds later.

 _"A granddaughter?"_ Mami said with tears in her eyes and I nodded.

 _"Oh I bet that my daughter is over the moon!"_ Susan said and I just looked at the screen without a response.

The baby was stretched out today and I could feel it, she seemed more than pleased to show her long legs and her thumb in her damn mouth.

If Britt were here...and then...I figured why not.

 _"Hey Mom?"_ I said looking at Susan.

_"Yes?"_

_"You should video chat, B...she...um might want to see this little girl dancing."_ I said, staring at my daughter as she put on her own little show.

Britt answered her mom's call way faster than she had ever answered mine but I tried not to take it personally.

Susan didn't say anything, she just turned the phone towards the screen.

 _"I gotta go, tell Santana to call me after she's done. Thanks for calling me."_ Britt said and then she abruptly ended the call.

I knew with time and distance, she'd waver.

Once Dr. Ramirez was done, I sat up and cradled my bump, holding back the tears.

Not now.

I fucking knew she'd do this if I had called but her own mom...fuck.

* * *

Back at the apartment, I put my still sleeping son in his crib before closing my bedroom door. The moms were out there heating up the food I had ordered and probably preparing to riddle me with questions.

I had a call to make though.

So knowing that my voice can carry, I went into the bathroom and shut the door before calling B.

Like with her mom, she answered the phone on the first ring.

 _"Hey."_ I said.

_"Did you tell her what I said about the baby?"_

_"No."_

_"Why was she there with you?"_

_"Because she is Isaac's grandmother and Mami brought her. Am I not supposed to spend time with her?"_

_"We're divorced."_

_"So?"_

_"I took it back...you know I did."_

_"But did you mean it, B?"_

She was silent and then sighed.

_"That's Marco's baby. I can't get over that thought. You know me, I'll get attached and then he'll find a way to rip her away from me."_

_"Since when do you let Marco take anything from you?"_

_"Now."_

_"That's it then, should I break it to Susan that she shouldn't get attached?"_

_"You shouldn't say anything to her, it's not your place. She's MY mom and we are divorced."_

_"Santana?"_ Susan called from the other side of the door.

 _"I gotta go."_ I said.

_"Don't get comfortable, I know you'll probably try to convince me at the end of this two weeks that you'll need more time...get that thought out of your head. I expect MY son to be here in two weeks or I'm taking you to court."_

_"Whoa, what the fuck, B?"_ And because I remembered that Susan was on the other side of the door, I dropped my voice to a whisper. _"Are you off your meds again?"_

_"You know the answer to that."_

And with that, I hung up.

I was fed up.

Her loyalty was to herself and I needed to be fucking selfish for me, Isaac, and this precious baby girl.

* * *

_"Wait, I don't understand...Brittany...MY Brittany told you that you were on your own with this baby?"_

_"Yeah and I get it."_

_"No. You're not telling me something."_ Susan was pacing the kitchen as I fed Isaac who apparently had woken up when I was in the bathroom.

I looked at her and sighed.

 _"Ever since I got out of rehab she's been off. She'd been managing well but then she got shot..."_ I hadn't been sure if Susan knew and when eyes went wide, I knew B hadn't been so forthcoming as she used to be. _"She's fine, it was a flesh wound but she was on crazy painkillers and I know she has been on and off her pills. She's angry with me all the time and is really upset about me talking to Marco."_

_"Of course."_

_"He promised to back off but he's a liar...this baby though, is a part of me and I thought her love for me would be enough for her to accept this baby but she just doesn't even want to fight anymore."_

_"She's always fought for you."_ Susan said.

Mami reached out to her and stopped her pacing, it was almost amusing to see my small mother looking up at Susan about to give it to her straight.

_"Susan, it's been a long time coming for Brittany to get help. Maybe it would be good for you to go spend some time with your daughter while Santana is here...maybe she could use a taste of home."_

_"OMG, Mami that's brilliant. She could use you!"_ I said and Susan looked unsure.

_"Do you have the network at your house for me to be able to work from there?"_

_"Oh yeah, I have my whole office set up and I never use it. Go and use it, please!"_

_"Maybe I will but I'll need to give a little more notice to my boss. I could probably go next week. In the meantime, I want to get my time in with my grandson."_

_"Actually, I would love that. Back in the city, I hardly get a moment to myself even when it's not my days with Isaac...I usually spend the whole time moping or cleaning. I don't do much else because I feel the need to be available just in case Britt has to work or something."_

* * *

It didn't take much convincing to get Mami and Susan to take Isaac for the next few nights. Seeing me be clean at the doctor's seemed to give them a little more faith in me. Like the prodigal graduate, the first thing I did when they headed out was go back to McKinley.

When Ginger saw me come into the school, she scooted out of her office so quickly and threw her arms open to me and because I was in a good mood, I went along with it.

 _"Are you headed to visit the glee club?"_ She asked. _"It's Diva week and they are having some trouble figuring that out."_

I rolled my eyes.

_"Of course they are."_

For the hell of it and because I was sure that Berry wasn't going to jump out and steal my light, I headed down the hall and strode into the choir room in the middle a subpar solo.

 _"Well look at that! It's like you were summoned!"_ Schue said and I rolled my eyes.

 _"I was just passing through, how can I help?"_ I asked and McStubbles was the first to speak up.

_"Actually, Santana I was just having an intense conversation with the club about how we needed a powerhouse like you to kick butt at sectionals."_

_"Is that a compliment?"_ I asked and he nodded.

_"May I, Mr. Schue?"_

He clapped his hands together and then gestured towards the front of the room. _"The floor is yours, Santana."_

And for the first time in front of the glee club, I slid behind the piano and began to play an old Alicia Keys song and began to belt it out.

It was a song about heartbreak and I meant every single fucking word, I just wished that Britt had heard it.

When I finished I saw I was being recorded by more than one person and I knew that most definitely, B would see my performance.

Good.

I wiped my tears and cleared my throat before pushing back from the piano and bowing my head to the clappers and lookers on.

_"Being a diva is less about style, it's about showing yourself 100% when you sing without pretense. You can't fake your way through a diva performance. So whichever of you gets to do the damn thing, make sure the audience feels it or you are done for."_

I didn't wait for any questions, I just turned on the spot and left the room just like a good diva should.

* * *

I didn't make it very far down the hallway before I had a tail.

 _"What do you want?"_ I snapped, as I stopped near my old locker.

_"You're still gay right, even though you got knocked up twice. Right? Sorry Asperger's."_

I turned around to see Sugar Motta, looking way hotter than I remember.

_"Did you say something?"_

_"You're still gay?"_

_"Yes."_

She stepped closer to me, so close she was also touching my baby bump.

_"I wanted to get my college girl experimenting phase over with and I was wondering if you'd let me fuck you...you're kinda weirdly hot even pregnant."_

I let out a cackle.

_"You're joking...right?"_

_"No...I'm serious."_

_"What makes you think that I would be interested in having sex with you?"_

_"Because you haven't walked away from me or told me off yet."_

I had wanted to have fun.

Shit, I wanted to not feel any attachments and with her I definitely wouldn't.

I stepped closer and shoved my finger in her face, to onlookers I looked like I was tearing her down but then lowered my voice, _"If I let you fuck me...it won't mean anything. You know that right, this won't be a thing?"_

_"That's what I'm counting on."_

_"How do I know it won't slip out in one of your fake ass Asperger's fits?"_

_"Fake?"_ She tried to play dumb.

_"If you can't admit even that, I am walking away."_

_"Okay, okay...it's my way of saying what I want. You're right. I just want to know what it's like to fuck a pregnant woman because news to me, it apparently turns me on. Who knew...what do you say?"_

_"I'm going to storm away now but you can meet me at my apartment tonight at 9, don't be late and cut those nails."_

And then I stormed off.

* * *

She showed up right on time, her hair down, a smile on her face, in a trench coach.

 _"Hey diva."_ She said and then held up a champagne bottle. _"I brought refreshments."_

_"I'm sober and I'm pregnant."_

_"It's nonalcoholic. I'm not actually dumb you know."_

I pulled the door open and watched her as she walked in.

She dropped the trench coat and I closed and locked the door, not really sure how this was supposed to go.

When I was getting paid for random sex, it was one thing.

And with guys, it was easy they just followed after me but she had been clear about her intentions, I wouldn't be in control of this.

She wanted to fuck me, not the other way around.

Then I remembered the fake champagne and my mind kicked into gear, thank God for distractions.

I half listened to her ramble as I grabbed glasses for us.

And then I drank down a whole glass while she talked and at one point, I left her there in the kitchen as I went into the bathroom and freshened up.

Still she continued to talk.

Finally, I had enough.

I stormed towards her, ripping my shirt over my head.

 _"Shut up and fuck me already."_ I said and watched as her eyes went wide as she looked at my naked body.

 _"Wow...you're just...wow...so stunning."_ She said and then came closer and held up her hands. _"I cut them."_ She said and then leaned in, gripping my chin and kissing me hard.

Right then I knew, I'd be putty...her sudden dominance was hot.

Apparently, dumb, air-headed Sugar Motta was something different altogether because she touched me like I was hers and had no problem pressing her lingerie covered body against mine.

She kissed me hard as she ran her fingers slowly over my belly, then across my waist before gripping tight to my ass, making me groan.

* * *

I had hissed and moaned, as she fucked me like she'd been doing this professionally.

She'd touched and licked me everywhere and I was just her toy to maneuver.

The third orgasm shook my body as she whispered dirty things in my ear and then chuckled as I came screaming...never once did I say her name. That was too intimate and she didn't seem to mind.

Through it all, I just had fun. There were no annoying emotions or expectations...just two hot bodies touching.

She opened her legs for me after I had come down for my fourth orgasm, _"Eat me."_ She said and I nearly giggled at her silly smile.

But then I dove forward and sucked and nibbled, her fingers scratched against my scalp and I shivered at the feeling when they brushed the back of my neck.

Afterwards, we laid there on my bed, spent.

 _"Thanks for that."_ I said, my throat hoarse from all the moaning and screaming. Thank God I was the only resident of the building at the moment.

_"No, thank you. I've got a lot of shit going on at home and you showing up today was a great distraction."_

_"Judging by the way you just owned me, I'm willing to wager that I wasn't an experiment was I?"_

_"No, you were. I had never fucked a Latina or a pregnant woman before...now I can check off two boxes."_

_"I should be offended but I'm not...I'm glad to be of service."_

_"So why are you here and can we do that again before you go?"_

She was holding me, her chin on my shoulder as she traced patterns on my belly with her fingertips.

_"New York has been rough, recently I got a divorce and my friend died. I needed a break from the madness."_

_"I feel you, my uncle Nico was just killed in New York a few weeks ago. My dad's been a wreck, he bought three new sports cars but nothing is going to fix his pain. That was his big brother, you know?"_

_"Wait...how did your uncle die?"_ I was connecting the dots.

_"At his diner, my dad thinks it was a hit."_

_"That's because it was...my friend that died...was Nico but most people knew of him as the ghost."_

_"You're shitting me?"_

_"Nope. I saw it happen."_

_"You should come talk to my dad, he's had so many questions and no answers."_

_"Did they get along?"_

_"Shit yeah, they were super close. Last time my uncle was here with his wife Carmen, they spent a fortune on my dad at the races. Usually my dad is spoiling other people but Uncle Nico spoiled him since he was the big brother...and my godfather. He bought my first Birkin...ugh, I'm gonna miss him."_

She sniffled and then cleared her throat, toughing up. I knew how that went.

_"Me too. He saved my life countless times. You should bring him here, there's some stuff I'm sure he'd be interested in hearing."_

_"I'll tell him...but does that mean we can do this again?"_

_"Sure...it was fun."_

_"Sweet."_

* * *

I had fallen asleep with Sugar cradling me like I was something precious but when I woke up, I was alone and I was grateful for that. One night stands aren't supposed to turn into morning antics unless agreed upon.

And it would have been way too domestic for her to be there when I woke up.

I showered and hissed when the water hit a few of the scratches I had on my shoulders from when I went down on her.

Even with cut nails, she had found a way to leave her mark.

Thankfully, they were easy to cover because I'd never hear the end of it from Susan or Mami if they saw that I'd been clearly fucking someone else. After my shower I threw the sheets in the washer and opened the windows to air out the smell of sex from the room.

I had a pep in my step and a song in my heart that I wanted so badly to play but that would mean going to Mami's, into Papi's office and touching the piano that had been taken from me and I had been forbidden to play.

Also, it was probably terribly out of tune...so instead, I pulled up a piano app on my phone and formed the notes.

It wasn't orthodox but it worked.

As I was working on the hook, my screen flipped to a call.

It was Britt and I knew that if she was calling me, something was up

 _"Hey, B."_ I said as I switched over the sheets to the dryer. _"What's up?"_

_"How's my little buddy?"_

_"I'm sure he's fine...your mom kept him overnight. I'm going to see him in a bit."_

_"Already, you're pushing him off on people?"_

_"Not really, if you think about it, I'm honoring our custody arrangement. What's today, B?"_

_"Tuesday."_

_"And who normally has him on Tuesdays?"_

_"You do."_

_"Which means I get a say on where he is. Since he can't see you I let him get in a day early with your mom."_

_"That's actually kind of sweet."_

_"So there you go, she's your substitute."_

_"I guess that's fine."_

_"Is that all you wanted?"_

There was a knock on the door and I stood up slowly, unsure of who the heck could be at my door.

_"Well, I just wanted to see how you were feeling."_

_"Oh, I'm good...hold on a sec."_ I looked out the peephole but someone was covering it. _"Who is it?"_

 _"Motta."_ He gruffed.

_"B, I'll call you later. I gotta go."_

_"Did he say Motta, like Sugar's dad?"_

_"Bye B."_

_"San-"_ She started to say but I ended the call.

I hadn't been ready for him to show up at my door at 9 am but here he was.

My phone buzzed just as I was opening the door.

_**I knew you were up to something. Telling Sandra-B** _

Fuck.

* * *

Seeing Al Motta was like looking at a younger version of Nico. He looked me over and then opened his arms as he stepped into my apartment. I let him hug me and he even smelled like Nico. I broke and cried against his chest.

He kicked the door shut as he held me against him until I pulled away shakily.

 _"So you're Santi?"_ He said and smiled. _"I never made the connection that his beloved Santi was Santana Lopez."_

_"It's a small world. Can I offer you something to drink? I haven't had a chance to food shop but I have stale non-alcoholic champagne."_

_"No thank you, I would love it if you closed the blinds though...or if you have a windowless room maybe?"_

There was only one of those in my apartment and it was the second bedroom but I was wary about going into a windowless room with Al Motta. So instead I just closed the blinds in the living room and kitchen, the offered him a seat.

He sat down and sighed deeply before gesturing for me to sit as well.

But I couldn't, I felt uneasy about Britt tipping off my sister.

_"Would you mind actually if I called my ex really quick, she heard you talking when I was on the phone with her just now and I don't want her running around telling people."_

_"Go ahead."_

Something told me that I shouldn't leave the room while on the phone, so I didn't.

Instead, I dialed Britt back.

_"Hi. Do you want to tell me what that was about?"_

_"It's not what you think, this is about Nico...Mr. Motta knows his family and I was just getting ready to update him on what I know."_

_"I don't believe you."_

_"How do you want me to prove it to you?"_

_"I don't know, I just have a sneaky feeling that you are messing with drugs."_

_"Oh my God, B. I'm sober. I told you this. I took a urine test yesterday, ask my mom or yours...I'm clean. I swear to you."_

_"Call me when he leaves."_

_"B?"_

_"What?"_

_"You didn't tell Sandra did you?"_

_"Not yet but that nervous sound you've got makes me want to."_

_"Well don't. Just like you want me to respect that Susan is your mother, you need to respect that Sandra is my sister. We are divorced. Unless it has to do with Isaac, you need to back off."_

_"Your being sober has to do with Isaac and our daughter."_

_"No. She is MY daughter. You made that plain when you didn't even want to look at the sonogram. So no. Don't get attached. I have to go. I'll call you later."_

_"Tick tock, Ana. I'll be waiting."_

* * *

We sat in the living room and I broke down that day for Mr. Motta from beginning to end. He seemed relieved to know that Nico hadn't been caught unaware and that it wasn't random.

A hit made sense to him in his line of business.

Randomly getting caught when you're the best hitman in NYC was not something he wanted to stomach.

 _"Why are you so freely giving this information over to me?"_ He asked.

_"Because there's information you might be interested in but that information isn't free."_

He smirked.

_"How much are we talking?"_

_"I have product, pure uncut product and I need to move it. I don't want any of it, I want to be clean. A year ago when my dad died, he gave me all this money and I was deep in drugs at that time. So I got a trustee for my accounts, my sister. I can't fully access my own money until I'm 25. That's six more years of me having to get clearance to make big purchases. You know as much as I do, that he who holds the money, holds the power."_

_"You sound like my brother."_ He chuckled.

_"He taught me that."_

_"So how can we help each other?"_

_"I know who put the hit on Nico and I know who shot him."_

His eyes went wide.

_"And you'll tell me if I move the product for you?"_

_"You can take it, I need my own bank account. I need to have my own stash of money just in case I need to move undetected. I have at least 3 million's worth and I would settle for offloading for half of what's it's worth."_

_"Where did you get this product?"_

_"Nico's. I went to his house and erased his records. I found the product and took it. I think it was Carmen's backup plan. I activated the security breach and the house took care of the rest. His legacy as a ghost remains."_

_"You know where she is?"_

_"I might...but there's a price on her head. She's safe where she is and that's how she wants it."_

_"Smart, I can trust you. I've been in contact with her and I know her location. Knowing that I'm his brother, you are giving me enough information to ruin you but you're willing to keep Carmen and her baby safe. Nico taught you right."_ He held out his hand and I took it.

We agreed to make the trade.

He pulled out his wallet and handed me 1000 in cash.

_"Take that money as an advance. Go open your account and then open another at a different place. We can split the cash between accounts."_

_"Okay and you'll take what I have?"_

_"Not now, I know who your godfather is and I can't walk out of here with anything on me. You're messing around with my daughter?"_

_"Yeah..."_

_"I'll send her here tonight with the rest of your money and you give her the product then. She'll make sure that I get it."_

_"When the transaction is complete, I'll give you the information."_

_"I'm pretty sure I know who issued the hit...he's got his own grave already dug out. The body I want is the shooter's."_

* * *

The moment that I closed the door behind Mr. Motta I got a video chat request from Sandra.

I thought nothing of the coincidence.

Until I saw her tear streaked face and her flared nostrils.

_"Hey sis, is everything okay?"_

_"You lied to me."_

_"What?"_

_"Look up, Ana."_

And I did.

There just above the door was smoke alarm with two flashing red lights...didn't they normally have one?

_"Is that a camera?"_

_"Yes."_

_"You bugged my place?"_

_"I did, just for security purposes but then Britt texted me a while ago and told me that a mobster was in your apartment with you. I called bullshit. You couldn't be THAT stupid but then I tuned in and fuck if she was not right."_

I closed my eyes and let the tears come. Maybe she was more tech savvy than I thought.

 _"How much did you hear?"_ I croaked.

_"I heard it all and I am so fucking disappointed in you right now."_

_"Look, I can't keep this product and I know it's dumb to get caught up with the mob. I know that but I gotta avenge Nico...even if that means that another one of my kids doesn't get to know their father. In this instance, she's better off without him."_

_"Is me being your trustee that difficult?"_ She said, wiping her leaking nose on her sleeve. _"Do I not have your back enough?"_

_"You do and I wanted to tell you but then...well...in my search I found your test. I know you're pregnant and I didn't want to put this on you."_

_"Wait...you know?"_ She looked shell shocked.

 _"Yeah. I'm excited that I get to have the older cousin this time."_ I smiled at her and she gave me a sad smile back.

 _"If you're still around."_ She said and then her face got cold. _"I have half a mind to call Padrino but he's an asshole and will make this a gunfight. I want you to get rid of every gram of cocaine...as far as money, you don't need to be sneaky about it. Be loud and proud, you are a millionaire. No one will think twice if you open a separate account and I think it's genius. Get one, keep money in it away from Britt and Marco...just, be smart. Please?"_

_"About Sugar, we are just fucking around...please don't tell Britt."_

_"I won't but you absolutely should. Rub that shit in her face if you have to. After Frankie, she deserves it."_


	18. Breakdown (Mariah Carey)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter told in vignettes, if you will. Triggers abound, proceed with caution. Love you much chicas.

* * *

**A Countdown to Madness**

* * *

**-10-**

* * *

_"I can't believe after I asked you not to, you still told my mother that I haven't been taking my medicine. Do you know what she did to me the last time that I went off them for a long time? Hmm? Do you?"_

_"No. B."_ I said, feeling properly scolded as I sat in bed going over the paperwork for my new bank account.

She was on video but I wasn't looking at her, the heat in her voice was intense but she was whisper yelling since she was in her office at work.

God forbid they saw her as anything less than perfect.

_"She put me in a psych ward. I know I'm an adult now but she has a way of convincing me to do things that I don't want...just like you."_

I looked up at that comment.

 _"What am I trying to convince you to do exactly?"_ I raised my brow and she raised hers right back.

_"Take care of a baby that will be ripped away from me."_

_"No. Fuck you. I let you off the hook."_

_"What does that even mean?"_

_"That you can just worry about Isaac and I'll take care of my daughter on my own. I'll be fine."_

She growled. _"You say that but the look on your face and the sound of your voice say different. If I don't raise her with you then there is no chance that we can fix us."_

_"Damn right. We are a package deal."_

_"I gotta go."_

_"Bye."_ I said and then went back to my documents, but the phone didn't ding. I looked up and she was watching me.

_"You don't even care that I'm hurting do you?"_

_"I can't take care of Isaac, grow a healthy baby and coddle your ego. You're on your own, B, if you want to hurt less try going to therapy and taking your medication."_ I said and then I hung up the phone myself before she could before turning off notifications from her.

There was nothing she could do for me right now but stress me out.

* * *

**-9-**

* * *

_"Are you sure you don't want to warn her first."_ I said to Susan as we sat in the terminal with Rob. _"She's not going to be as happy as you think."_

_"It needs to be this way, I want to see her as she is before she has the chance to quickly take medication."_

_"Can I at least tell Quinn?"_

She looked hesitant but then nodded.

_"I suppose that's fine, I don't want to startle her when I just show up."_

My every instinct told me this was a bad idea but once the seed was planted, Susan wasn't going to back down. She was going to NYC and she was going to confront B, just four days after I had arrived. I just hoped this didn't blow back on me.

They called her flight and she held her hand out.

_"Her apartment key, please?"_

I let out a heavy sigh and then handed her the key that I had to practically beg B to give me in the first place.

Rob threw an arm over my shoulder and kissed the top of my head.

_"You need to breathe, little miss. Brittany has been off track for a while and there's no way you could uplift her with the things you've been through in the last year. We should have stepped in sooner."_

_"Why didn't you want to go?"_ I asked him as we made our way to the car.

_"I didn't want her to feel tag teamed, besides, this will give you and me the opportunity to spend some quality time together."_

_"That sounds like a plan, Rob...just not today...I um...have a date."_

Once we were all buckled in the car, he turned to me, his crystal blue eyes so kind and sweet.

_"You deserve to feel desired and loved. I mean, I'm team Brittana all the way but not this way. You two need to discover yourselves outside of each other so that maybe one day you can better appreciate each other, even if it's just as friends."_

* * *

It took exactly two hours for things to blow up.

Sugar was making me spaghetti in my kitchen while I was giving Isaac some tummy time in the living room. He was obsessed with the piano on his mat and I knew that he was Mami's boy. He kept shining those baby blue's at me and I was a puddle for the kid.

 _"I love you, Papa."_ I sang to him.

He giggled and gurled, keeping me in a great mood.

I'd been out of New York for almost a week and already, I was feeling a bit like my old self before my life and relationship imploded.

 _"Are you still waiting for something to happen?"_ Sugar asked as she wiped her hands on one of my good towels. I rolled my eyes because, she was probably richer than me and she could buy me a million more of those towels. It was an odd shift.

_"I bet you she calls me and finds a way to blame this on me."_

_"That's not the Britty I remember."_ She said and then the phone rang and I shrugged.

 _"You'll see."_ I said and then put the phone on speaker. _"Hey B."_

_"How fucking dare you give her a key to my place, Santana! I was home with someone and we were...getting...you know and then my mom just comes in!"_

_"She didn't want me to tell you she was coming."_

_"Even if she did, why would you make it easy for her! This is why we can't be together, you're such a bitch!"_

I watched Sugar's face shift from ditzy to annoyed really quick...then in her least whiny voice she said. _"Baby, your food's getting cold. You and the little lady need to eat."_

Sugar looked satisfied with herself as I glared at her.

_"Who the fuck is that?"_

_"None of your concern."_

_"Where is my son?"_

_"I'm sitting on the floor right next to him."_

_"You have some whore around our son?"_

_"She's not a whore."_

_"I can't believe you right now!"_

_"Baby, come on. Hang up on that crabby witch."_ Sugar said, this time looking way too amused.

_"Britt, I'm gonna go. Try to enjoy your time with your mom, she's only going to be there for the weekend...she missed you."_

_"Who is she?"_ She said.

_"Again, none of your concern."_

And then the line clicked and she was gone.

On a bright note, the spaghetti was worth the grenade that Sugar threw into the wreckage of my relationship with B.

* * *

**-8-**

* * *

I showed up at Mami's house the morning after Britt's blow-up, at her request.

 _"You were fucking a girl with Isaac in the room?"_ She asked me and I knew...because of course she did.

_"Brittany called you?"_

Mami sipped her coffee and nodded as I changed my son's diaper on her prized leather couch because I was annoyed that she got me out of bed for this.

 _"Last night, I was in bed with...a friend..."_ She cleared her throat and I rolled my eyes.

_"Mami just stop, please, it's embarrassing...the fact that you are screwing my Godfather is the worst kept secret in this whole town."_

She looked stunned.

_"You knew?"_

_"Felix told me the other day when I ran into him at the market."_

_"And...you're okay with it?"_

_"Papi's been gone a year, Mami. You deserve to take that ring off and be happy...I hope you weren't wearing it for my benefit."_

She looked down at her ring finger and kissed the diamond rings before pulling them off her finger and handing it to me.

_"You keep them...for the next time you get married. Third time will be the charm."_

_"I hope so...thanks, Mami and for the record, no sex was had. She was over making me dinner and heard Britt tearing me down so she made her presence known. Of course, Brittany thinks I'm the greatest whore of all time so it's not a surprise that she called you."_

_"Mi'ja, you are NOT a whore."_

_"Tell that you Brittany."_

_"She's mad about Susan showing up?"_

_"And that I gave her mom the key to her apartment."_

_"Santana! That was probably a step too far."_

_"I know, I know...it's just she was looking at me with this pout that I have never been able to resist on the Pierce women. It's my weakness."_

_"You're a sucker for that family."_

_"I know...I'm going to a baseball game in Chicago next week with her dad, because he is trying to convince me that it's better than football. As if! There's a reason there are no cheerleaders...they'd fall asleep!"_

* * *

Even though Mami believed me when I told her that I hadn't gone there with Sugar while Isaac was in the room, she still insisted that he stay the night with her so that I could go have some fun.

That night, I was buried between Sugar's knees after she made me homemade breadsticks.

I had my hands gripping her thighs as I brought her to climax because if I didn't hold her still, she got a little too Rockette and there was no way I was chancing her kicking my stomach. Little did I know that I would soon regret it.

As she fucked me, she kept saying dirty things and I was getting wetter. Her skinny hand was wrist deep in me and I was groaning for her. Over and over.

 _"Fuck! Slap my ass."_ I begged and she did, then she scratched her nails down my back and I came hard.

It was amazing and I loved it...things with her were easy. She was more of an emotionless companion who was helping me to rediscover my sexuality than a potential life partner.

She never spent the night...each time, she'd fuck me to sleep and then leave me there, tucked in like a precious thing.

Britt was wrong...it wasn't always better with feelings.

I was having a replay dream of my night when my phone vibrated next to my face.

There was only few people I'd answer for when I was feeling this relaxed and Britt wasn't one of them.

But it wasn't her.

It was Quinn and she was not happy.

_"You fucked Sugar Motta?"_

I laid there still feeling the ache she'd left me with and the sting on my flesh.

_"Yesss...fuck...it was good. I know it's insane but she's a beast in the sack."_

_"TMI."_

_"Wait, how did you know?"_

_"Have you checked your Insta?"_

_"No...why?"_

_"Well Britt has and she's on a rampage about it."_

_"Screenshot it."_ I said and then rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

And there it was, an artsy looking picture of a mop of jet black hair between Sugar's legs and hands gripping her thighs. My face couldn't be seen but the wedding ring that I hadn't stopped wearing was there...plain as day. The caption read. **_Sugar for my Sugar._**

 _"Wow...is that what the top of my head looks like?"_ I muttered and Quinn groaned.

_"She recognized the ring and then called me in tears, S...you know that she feels like you're doing this shit on purpose?"_

_"Well fuck her, it's not about her...I'm not even thinking of her."_

_"Obviously."_

_"Thanks for the heads up, Q. It's a tasteful picture, I was getting mines and my ex-wife shouldn't have a problem with that. The only part of my body you can see is my hands...unless you know the ring, it could be anyone."_

_"Maybe take that thing off already...it's rubbing salt in her psycho wounds."_

_"Is Susan being there not helping?"_

_"Oh, S, honey...did you not hear me before. She. Is. On. A. Rampage. She kicked her mom out of her apartment so Susan is here, which means she is downstairs crying one moment and shouting the next."_

_"You think I should call her?"_

_"Maybe tomorrow."_

_"Okay...well...try to get some rest."_

_"I have ear plugs at the ready. Have fun, S."_

_"Oh I will."_

* * *

**-7-**

* * *

It takes two days for the call from Britt to come in and it's when I'm having lunch with Sue Sylvester, Tor, and Al Motta.

Apparently, Sue and Al were dating...it was an oddly perfect relationship and sweet Tor was thriving.

Ian would be so happy. My tears were starting to come when she called so when I answered, I knew I sounded weepy.

 _"Yeah?"_ I said as I watched Tor holding Isaac in her arms.

_"Are you crying?"_

_"Trying not to...hormones, you know?"_

_"You sure you're not crying over Sugar?"_

_"Why would I cry over her? She's been nothing but a gentlelady."_

_"I bet."_

Isaac let out a squeal so loud it made my ears ring and I laughed when I saw Tor's surprised face.

_"Was that Izzy?"_

_"Yup."_

_"I miss him, he'd be with me today if he were here."_

_"It's Sunday, B...he wouldn't be with you."_

Isaac squealed again as he gripped onto Tor's hoop. Then Al and Sue were laughing too.

_"Who's there?"_

_"I'm having lunch with Sue, Tor, and Al Motta."_

_"He's there again? What, you're screwing his daughter and cozying up to him so you can start a new family?"_

_"No. That's not it at all...and for the record, she does most of the screwing."_

The line went dead and I shrugged, feeling a moment of triumph.

But it was definitely short lived, I just didn't know that yet.

* * *

That night as I sat down for a movie night with Rob, Padrino, and Mami...with Isaac playing his piano on his mat again.

My Godfather asked to speak to me alone.

And I thought he was asking my blessing or something as I followed him into the kitchen.

But his face got really serious.

_"There's a new influx of cocaine on the streets, high grade stuff. It happens to line up with your arrival here...would you happen to know anything about that?"_

I leaned against the counter and rubbed my growing belly, not able to look him in the eyes. He was a human lie detector and I knew he'd find a way to break me.

_"I've never sold drugs, Pa."_

_"That's been proven. However, your sudden close relationship to Al Motta gives me pause."_

I looked up at him and tilted my head.

_"Who says we are close?"_

_"Was he NOT at your apartment for lunch and at your place two days after you arrived?"_

_"How do you know that?"_

_"Brittany called your mother to speak to me."_

I groaned. _"Of course she did._ _Truth is, I am screwing his daughter and I'd like to keep him on my good side, for when we inevitably fall apart when I go back to New York. Britt knows about it and she's trying to stir up trouble."_

Padrino went red in the face and then nodded, _"A domestic dispute is not my forte. Can you remind Brittany not to level serious allegations such as these?"_

_"I will. Thanks for checking on me, Pa. As you know, I'm clean and the last time that I could have gotten wrapped up in coke...I told you about it. Remember?"_

_"I do."_

_"Are we good?"_

_"Solid as a rock."_

* * *

**-6-**

* * *

When Susan got back to Lima on Monday morning, she looked exhausted.

 _"Any luck?"_ I asked her, knowing her goal had been to get Britt to level herself out by seeing a therapist and taking her medicine.

She shook her head.

_"I don't know, Santana, she's like a completely different person. She yelled at me and I don't think she's done that since she was a little girl. I'm really concerned."_

_"And I didn't make it any better by enjoying my life here...did I?"_

_"No, honey, you sure didn't but I walked in on her screwing some boy...so like I told her, you are divorced and who you are sleeping with is not her business."_

_"Thanks. She's trying to make sure I don't enjoy myself. I just want her to let me go for a while, so I can just become better on my own. This version of her is not someone I want to be with. She's acting like Marco."_

_"Is the girl at least treating you well?"_

_"She is. We are just having fun, my heart still belongs to B...even now...after everything."_

_"Still?"_

I smirked as I thought of my favorite Harry Potter character, _"Always."_

* * *

We were having ice cream at the Lima Bean, me, Tor and Isaac.

She wanted to spend as much time with him as she could and I welcomed it because she was all he had left of Ian. I took pictures of them and sent them to her. Seeing her like this, so full of life after losing her brother just over a month ago made me feel so good.

Maybe Papa Bear had been right...I just wish he could be here with us.

I wiped at my tears and then felt lips press to my head.

Sugar pulled away and handed me a tissue.

 _"You okay, doll face?"_ She asked.

_"I am now, thanks."_

She slid in next to me and took a picture of Tor pressing her lips to the top of Isaac's curly head and snapped a picture.

_"Oh it's gold!"_

_"Please don't post that."_ I begged, not wanting to stoke the fires. All you could see was a face pressed into my son's hair...it could be anyone...but it was so obviously not me.

 _"But I have too, it's like against the law NOT to post a cute baby_ _...come on, he's adorable."_

_"Fine."_

And then she did...the caption, **_Sugar for my Sugar's little Sugar_ **and I knew the call would come.

So I tried to soften the blow.

_**FYI That's Tori kissing Isaac. Not Sugar-Ana** _

...

...

...

_**On phone with my lawyer-B** _

_**Why?-Ana** _

_**What time does your flight get in on Sunday?-B** _

_**B? Why the lawyer?-Ana** _

_**What time?-B** _

...

...

...

I deleted all of my responses and rested my head against Sugar's shoulder.

 _"What happened?"_ I handed her my phone and she scrolled.

_"Oh come on! It's not like the last one that you made me delete! It was sweet."_

_"But it was on your account. Fuck."_

_"Do you want me to get this taken care of?"_

I lifted my head and glared at Sugar.

_"No more hit jobs...let me handle her. Just so we're clear, you are now officially banned from posting anything that has to do with me or Isaac. I have to go home to her and you're not making this easy on anyone."_

_"Okay, okay. Sheesh. I thought sleeping with girls was supposed to be fun...why didn't you tell me there was so much drama?"_

_"I didn't want to ruin the surprise."_

* * *

**-5-**

* * *

After the whole Lima Bean incident, me and Sugar decided we'd squeezed all of our fun out of this thing but that if I needed one last quickie before I headed home, she was game.

I told her only if her nails were cut, those things grew back way too fast and my back was going to scar, if she kept up the scratching.

Even though I kinda craved the pain and pleasure of it, the person was all wrong.

Truth be told, while I enjoyed the sex and companionship for nearly a week and a half, I felt relieved to just spend the last of my days in Lima just hanging out with my family and my son.

_"You ready to go?"_

I rolled my eyes as I pulled the black White Sox hat down over my eyes as I followed Rob to the car. Susan was keeping Isaac for the night and then dropping him with Mami in the morning, so I was planning on heading to her house afterwards, I needed a break from being alone in that apartment.

Rob was way too excited about this baseball game because no one would go with him. Apparently, he and Britt used to go to games all the time when they lived in Chicago but she'd been so busy through high school that he stopped taking her.

That knowledge should have informed my decisions but I didn't think.

Old Brittany would have been excited that I got the chance to see a game...but this new version of her was jealous of my every action.

So when we walked through Wrigley, with people glaring at me in my rival team hat, which of course made me smirk because then they'd see the baby bump and would reserve their snarky comments.

Rob wore the blue Cubs hat and grabbed two little cub stuffed animals for Isaac and the new baby. He told me that it would make Britt laugh since she was the Cubs fan, unlike him. He was wearing Cubs stuff to deflect any haters but when his team scored he'd cheer and then earn glares from other Cubs fans.

The game wasn't so bad and so when he suggested a picture outside Wrigley holding the two stuffed bears and silly faces, I was game.

It was great bonding time and I knew that someday I hoped he got the chance to spend days like this with Isaac since he was outnumbered in his own house. My son would need good male role models and it didn't get better than Britt's dad.

* * *

The four hour drive home from Chicago was hard on my back, so when I got to Mami's I rushed through a shower, pulled a big shirt on, and then slid into the bed. I fell asleep instantly, cradling one of the stuffed bears that Rob had bought.

When I woke up in the night, because the baby was sitting on my bladder, I tried to make it there and back in the dark mostly. I sat there peeing for so long, I nearly fell asleep but the discomfort in my back kept me from getting too comfortable.

After washing my hands, I did a zombie walk back to bed, ready to let sleep swallow me but then my phone buzzed.

**_He's MY dad, Santana, you can't have him!-B_ **

**_I can't believe he took u 2 the game-B_ **

**_U repped the Sox and not the cubs? Was that to make me mad?-B_ **

Those were from three hours ago but the one that had just come in made me freeze.

Seriously?

What was her deal?

_**R u screwing Sugar right now?-B** _

I didn't care that it was 4am and I surely didn't care that she was probably in a sour state of mind.

All I cared about was her not taking this shit out on Rob because that amazing man made me feel like I had a father today...for the first time in way too long, I felt a father's love.

So I video chatted her after sitting up and turning on the lamp.

I held up the little cub in front of my face.

 _"Why so glum, Britt Britt?"_ I said in my silliest voice and her angry facade fell away.

 _"That's really cute."_ She said, her voice sounding hoarse.

 _"You're really cute!"_ I said in the bear voice and then I made him kiss the camera.

She let out a laugh and I knew I'd broken her angry spell.

When I put the bear down, on top of my belly, he was perched against my boobs and looked way more comfortable there than I would be. He remained in the frame of the camera, just in case I needed to get silly again.

_"You're at your mom's."_

_"I am. Rob let me wear his White Sox hat because he knows that black is my color...he wore the Cubs stuff for you. I knew when he told me it was something he did with you as a kid that you'd think I was trying to hurt you. Truthfully, I was just happy to pretend I had a real dad and it made me feel closer to you being around him, doing something that you two loved to do together. I'm sorry that I hurt you."_

She was crying now and then wiping at her tears.

_"No...don't be sorry. I went to the dark place when he was just giving you the fatherly attention you needed. I'm starting to think you and Mom are right. I do need help."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yeah. I'll do better and so you know, I don't mind sharing my dad, he is pretty awesome."_

_"He definitely is. I can't wait for him to take Isaac to his first game. That's what we talked about...him teaching Isaac the game and playing catch with him. All that boy stuff that Ian had promised, you know?"_

_"I hope so too. I miss Izzy so much."_

_"I'm sure he misses you too."_

_"I hope so."_ She whispered. _"Please come back."_

* * *

**-4-**

* * *

Sue was yelling at her Cheerios as I watched from the commentary booth with Isaac sleeping next to me. My belly was now too big for me to strap him to myself, so I had to actually buy a stroller...so that's was where he was playing with his fuzzy keys that Celia had bought him.

I'd been texting back and forth with Q, randomly sending her videos of the shitty form of the tumblers and flyers this year.

Even though she was in class, she was having a laugh at them.

It felt good to just bust it up with her and we didn't have to talk about anything heavy.

**_How is Sugar?-Q_ **

**_No idea-S_ **

**_It's over?-Q_ **

**_We were just having fun. There was nothing to end-S_ **

**_But you said she was a dynamo-Q_ **

**_She is but my heart...it only wants B.-S_ **

**_Don't I know it.-Q_ **

I was so wrapped up in my conversation that I didn't hear it at first but then just like his big cousin, my son became a parrot right before my eyes at six months old.

_"MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA! MA MA!"_

Glad that I had my phone at the ready, I turned the camera on him and waited.

_"MAMA MA MA MA!"_

He smiled so big and I could see his two front teeth that had broken through last week poking out in the front.

And that's when I felt the guilt and weight of Britt asking me to come home.

* * *

I sent the video to Britt before anyone else and then I tried to video chat her but got no response.

So I tried again...nothing.

At that point, what more could I do, I needed to share it with someone.

Instead of Q, I sent it to Susan and Mami.

Their responses were immediate.

**_And it starts! Happy Mami moment-Mami_ **

**_Oh my word! Words!-Susan_ **

**_On the phone with Britt, she's crying about missing it-Susan_ **

**_She's calling you back-Susan_ **

And then my video chat was connecting.

Sure enough, Britt was red faced and teary eyed.

_"Let me see him...please?"_

I turned the camera to my still jabbering son.

_"Hey buddy! I miss you!"_

_"MA MA MA MA MA!"_ He screeched.

_"Yes, buddy...Mama. I can't wait to see you!"_

When I turned the phone back to me, she looked at me with pleading eyes.

_"I don't want to miss anything else, please come home...please?"_

_"Not much longer, B."_

_"Sunday, right?"_

_"Fingers crossed, he has an appointment on Friday to double check his lungs."_

_"Let me know how it goes."_

_"I will."_

_"Bye baby."_

_"Bye B."_

* * *

**-3-**

* * *

On Thursday morning, I immediately felt the shift in my body. I felt heaviness in my chest and my head hurt like a motherfucker. I woke up to my son whining in his crib at the end of the bed.

Please don't let him be sick too.

But then I touched his body and could feel the dampness of his clothes and hear the wheezing.

_"Santana! Hello, is everything alright?"_

_"Dr. J..."_ I coughed hard and Isaac startled letting out a weak cry. _"Can I come in...he's sick...I'm sick...please?"_

_"Of course, I'll wait for you in my annex office, you should go see Dr. Ramirez."_

_"Yeah, okay."_

One hour later, me and my son both sat in the doctor's office with breathing machines. It'd been months since my asthma had flared up, it had mainly been under control. I had been taking my inhaler dose everyday with my prenatal vitamins. Isaac though, hadn't really been sick since the plane incident.

After my treatment was done, Dr. J left me to rest in a dark room and I conked out.

When I woke up again, it was to the buzzing of my phone and it took all of my energy to get off the bed and over to my purse.

My phone was lit up with notifications.

**_I NEED A HUGE FAVOR!-Sugar_ **

**_Not spamming you but are you okay, I called you six times-Sugar_ **

**_GM, How's my little guy?-B_ **

**_I talked to a Dr.-B_ **

**_New meds-B_ **

**_Please respond-B_ **

**_I miss him-B_ **

**_Come home-B_ **

I shoved the phone in my pocket and stepped out of the rest area, heading over the the reception counter.

_"Hi, um...where's Dr. J?"_

_"He's in surgery."_ My hand went to my chest and I felt the panic rise.

_"What? My name is Santana Lopez, I um brought my son in...where is he?"_

_"Oh the baby...right. He's in Dr. Ramirez's office. She wanted you to go see her when you woke up. Sorry about the confusion."_

I didn't relax until I was in Dr. Ramirez's office.

She was watching Elmo with Isaac who was clapping his pudgy little hands and grinning at the screen.

 _"He looks better."_ I said, my voice extra raspy.

_"That's because he is. Seems like the weather shift took you both down. How are you feeling?"_

_"Better, the medicine and the nap really helped."_

_"Sit down a second, let's chat."_

* * *

By the time I got back to the apartment, it was midday and Isaac was extra cranky. Yay me.

Something about Sugar's voice seemed to make him smile though, I think it might be because she doesn't a killer Elmo.

Wanting to calm him enough to give him a bath and knowing that school should have let out five minutes ago, I called her.

_"There she is and just in time!"_

_"What's up?"_

_"Brad is sick."_

_"Who?"_

_"Glee club piano player."_

_"Right...okay. Wasn't sure what his name was."_

_"If you could spare like ten minutes, I could use your fingers."_

_"They always do."_ I joked. Isaac let out a scream and I hit the speaker... _"You might need to do something for little guy first though."_

 _"Oh, hahahaha!"_ She laughed like Elmo and immediately my son's attitude vanished.

 _"You want to go see your Sugar, Papa?"_ I asked him.

 _"Oh please, little buddy!"_ She said in the Elmo voice and he giggled again.

_"I think that's a yes. We'll be over in five."_

This was a welcome distraction from the call that I was going to have to make later.

A call that would not received well.

My pressure was too high to get on a plane and Isaac's lungs were too weak.

Dr. Ramirez and Dr. J agreed, a week of rest and medication would do the trick, only that would mean that I was breaking my word to Britt.

She'd think it was all a trick that I was playing.

Johnny had his jet somewhere in accessible this week anyway...so next week would be better.

Everything was lining up that we just couldn't come home on time.

Britt was not going to be happy.

* * *

When I got to the school, I was accosted by Sugar almost immediately.

_"Where were you this morning? You don't look so hot."_

_"I felt like shit. Went to the hospital. Looks like I'm stuck here for another week."_

_"Are you okay?"_

_"My pressure is a little high and the kid's lungs aren't 100%."_

_"You should have said, I wouldn't have asked."_

I looked into her eyes and smirked.

_"I didn't know you cared."_

_"Neither did I."_

We walked side by side into the choir room as I pushed the stroller ahead of me.

Everyone looked over the moon to see me as I took a seat at the piano, setting Isaac up so he could see me the whole time. He loved music so I knew the moment I was playing and the singing started he wouldn't put up a fuss.

 _"Sheet music?"_ I called out and immediately, I was given four different sheets. _"All of you need me to play?"_ I asked.

They nodded and I knew then, that's what Sugar had meant by not asking me to do this.

_"Thank you so much for doing this, Santana. We won't keep you past those four songs."_

_"Thanks."_

So I played through four performances and this time it was McStubbles that was recording me.

And I hoped to God, Britt didn't see because my story about not being able to come home and her seeing me out doing shit instead of being in bed, weren't going to blend well together.

But I had to hope for the best.

* * *

**-2-**

* * *

Britt had taken the news of us being stuck in Lima one more week much better than I thought. She was in therapy again and was trying to not jump to the negative. Then she sat with both me and Isaac through a breathing treatment on video chat.

For just a moment it felt like she had returned to herself but if Marco has taught me anything, it's that when someone shows you who they are believe them. There was no way that we could just go back to how we were easily.

Seeing us both like this seemed to calm any doubts she had but I was being cautious.

I got comfortable with talking to her throughout the week but I was careful not to mention Sugar and I stealing away for quickies at the apartment or randomly around town.

The less she knew about my trysts the better.

By the next Thursday, I had moved back into Mami's house so she could help me with Isaac and that seemed to make Britt even happier.

We would be flying home on Sunday and I would get to see for myself if change had actually occurred.

As fun as Lima had been, I missed Britt and Q...I missed Ari and I missed my life.

But then on Friday night things changed.

Sugar kept saying that she wanted to fuck me in the back of her SUV but because my stomach was getting bigger, she didn't want to ask.

I had vowed to have fun though and it had been forever since I'd done anything in car.

We stayed in the parking lot of my apartment complex, I wore nothing but my tshirt and her trench coat. I watched as she washed her hands and brushed her teeth before following her into the backseat of her car.

Isaac was at Mami's asleep since it was nearly midnight but like the good mom that I try to be, I took my phone to the car with me.

Just in case.

Then things got hot and heavy, there was a lot of shifting before I found myself on her lap, bracing my hands on the front seats so that she could have full access.

I didn't realize that I had hit my phone in all the movement.

Sugar worked me up to four orgasms and I was feeling amazingly sensitive as she tried to go again.

 _"No more...please...baby no more."_ I whispered as she tried to push into me again.

 _"Please?"_ She begged.

_"Okay...just...go slow."_

* * *

We had made out for a bit and then I watched her drive away before walking back to my apartment, sore in all of the right places.

I tossed my phone onto the kitchen table while grabbing some water and that's when I heard it.

The sniffle.

I turned around to look for the sound and heard it coming from my phone.

God no!

I picked up my phone and saw that I had been on a video chat with B for two hours...but the screen had looked black.

 _"Britt?"_ I said...hoping to God this was a mistake.

 _"You called her baby...when you came."_ She said, her voice shaking.

_"I did? I'm so sorry that you heard all of that."_

_"Are you falling for her?"_ She asked, there was still darkness on the other side of the screen.

_"No."_

_"Then what was that?"_

_"A goodbye."_

_"It didn't sound like it."_

_"Well it was. She's going away with her dad for the weekend and I'll be gone when she gets back...so that was our last time."_

_"How could you do that to me? Was it on purpose? All my hookups have been private...but not you."_

_"All your hookups? Need I remind you about all the Cheerios hearing you fuck Frankie in Pittsburgh?"_

_"If I fuck up, there's always a chance you'll take me back but if you fall in love with someone else, I know that's it for us."_

_"That's is insanely selfish."_

_"I just want to make it work...why can't you see that. I don't want to fuck anyone else. I have messed with one person since our divorce and it made me realize that all I want is you. Don't you feel the same anymore?"_

_"My heart does...yes but my head is telling me that I should see what's out there."_

_"I can't wait for you to see how this feels...to be away from your baby, to not be in control of what's going on or what I'm doing. Bring him home...no more excuses, if you don't, I can't promise you'll like what happens."_

_"What does that mean?"_

_"Tick tock, Princesa."_ She said and I went cold.

_"You've been talking to Marco?"_

_"Just once...he wants me to get full custody of Isaac, make you be declared unfit. So it will be easier to take his daughter...what did I say, that's all he wants. You're six months next week...he's counting down the days."_

_"Is that what you're planning to do?"_

Her voice was cold. _"The longer you stay away, the more it's a possibility."_

* * *

**-1-**

* * *

I tried to sleep after that but I couldn't...so I made a decision.

First though, I called Sandra and thank God she answered and agreed to help me.

After solidifying things with my sister, I grabbed what I could from the apartment and then rushed to Mami's. It was well past 3am now and so of course I startled her as I walked heavy footed up the stairs. She came out of her room with a bat and I threw up my hands as I reached the top of the stairs.

_"I can't wait until Sunday...I need to leave now."_

_"Anita, its 4am."_

_"I know that."_

_"You cannot take that baby out of here at this hour."_

_"Of course I can. Johnny is playing in Cincinnati. I already called him. His plane is on it's way here."_

_"You're not thinking straight."_

_"I never have but I'm telling you, Marco and Britt are in kahoots I need to go home before this gets worse."_

She rubbed her hands up and down my arms, I was crying now. I should have known she wouldn't allow me to just go off in this state.

_"Then I'm coming with you. Go give the baby a treatment while I pack, then we can leave."_

_"You sure, Mami? What about your case?"_

_"I can do that from New York. What's important is that you are looked after and no one can do that like your mother, tu sabes."_

_"Okay, yeah."_

True to her word, Mami helped me pack and get Isaac ready before we headed to the airport and climbed on the plane.

My son was fast asleep in Mami's arms as I sat down next to the window.

In one hour, we were back in New York City and I was ready to confront Britt.

Only, I wasn't sure where she was.

**_Hey, you up?-San_ **

**_Um, actually I am. Was gonna go run.-Q_ **

**_Is Britt at the house?-San_ **

**_She threw this random ass get together last night, then kicked everyone out. Hold on I'll check-Q_ **

I waited and waited until finally she responded.

**_She's passed out on your bed-Q_ **

**_Here. Leaving the airport, see you in 30 mins. It might get ugly, you got Isaac?-San_ **

**_Always-Q_ **

* * *

Sandra met us on the tarmac, looking insanely worried but didn't say anything as she helped dock Isaac's car seat in the back.

_"What is going on, Ana?"_

_"I buttdialed Britt while I was having sex last night, I think it was the last straw. She threatened to work with Marco to get my babies taken away. I think the longer we are away, the crazier she gets. I needed to get here to talk her down."_

_"And I came as backup."_ Mami added.

 _"I'll go too."_ Sandra said.

_"Not in your condition, if she hurts you, I won't forgive myself."_

_"What condition?"_ Mami asked as she reached to rub Sandra's arm

 _"It's true, I'm pregnant."_ She said and Mami squealed until she remembered the sleeping baby in the backseat.

The ride was quick and I was insanely nervous.

_**Downstairs, parking-San** _

_**On my way down. She's up trying to clean-Q** _

I waited in the car until I saw the door open and Q come out in an oversized sweater.

When she saw me, her eyes teared up and she pulled me into a tight hug.

_"Fuck, I've missed you. I didn't realize how much I would."_

_"I missed you too, Q."_

_"Be warned, someone was smoking in there...it smells."_

_"Well that's not good...can you take Isaac straight upstairs to your room?"_

_"Actually, I'm going to wait in the car with him. Celia is on her way."_

_"It's 5:30am."_

_"I know but your village has been waiting for this blow up."_

_"Touche."_

* * *

**-0-**

**Madness**

* * *

The first mistake was walking into that house without Isaac.

I pushed open the foyer door with Mami on my heels while Sandra stayed in the car with Q.

Smoke permeated the air, there was no way it was just one person. I pulled open the front windows and then began to light candles.

 _"Quinnie, are you back from your run already?"_ I heard Britt call down from the top of the steps, when I didn't answer, she called down again. _"Quinn?"_

And then she came pounding down the stairs. My back was to her as I straightened up the pillows on the couch and she must have seen Mami because the silence turned to happiness.

 _"Gladys! What a surprise!"_ She said happily. I turned around and she was hugging my mom so tight. Mami patted her back and then stepped out of the embrace.

_"Santana wanted to come home right away, so I thought I'd join her. I'm not ready to give up seeing her every day just yet."_

_"Hey."_ I said and she just looked at me for a moment before looking around.

_"Where's Izzy?"_

_"He's in the car with Sandra."_

_"Why didn't you bring him in?"_

I looked around and then rubbed my belly as the baby decided to stretch out at the wrong moment. I hissed as I rubbed my side and then made a move to sit down but then I saw a used condom on my couch.

 _"What the fuck happened here, Brittany?"_ I snapped, more irritated by the baby than her.

 _"I had some friends over, they got a little...out of hand. I kicked them out after I caught them having sex...sorry."_ She said and shrugged. _"Where's Izzy, can I see him?"_

 _"Why don't you two finish cleaning up in here, it's too smokey for his lungs. I'll let you talk while I go get him."_ Mami said.

I looked at her with wide eyes, did she mean to leave me alone with Brittany looking at me like that?

Maybe she didn't think that Britt would have the balls to hurt me not when I was six months pregnant.

She was wrong.

* * *

You have to go through two doors to get out of my house, the foyer door and the front door. In between the doors is a little vestibule where I keep my mail and shit.

The foyer door is shatterproof glass squares that let you see into the living room.

As I walked Mami to the foyer door and opened it for her, I could see Britt standing there watching us.

When I closed the foyer door, Mami stood on the other side, pausing a moment to look at me sweetly before pulling the front door open and leaving me alone with Brittany for the first time in three weeks.

She was halfway across the room near the couch picking up trash and putting it on the floor in a pile. How long had these people been here?

I went into the kitchen and came out with a trash bag and then tossed it on the couch in front of B. I felt exhausted and I was going to leave her to clean up this shit but then she cleared her throat.

 _"We need to talk."_ She said.

I turned around towards her, not trusting her at my back. There was just something in the sound of her voice.

 _"Talk then."_ I said, freezing near the foyer door, prepared to make a run for it if need be.

Britt started walking towards me, at first the smile on her face seemed sweet but the closer she got, the more my fight or flight instincts kicked in. I could just see by the way that was she looking at me that I should turn and run but I froze as she towered over me. The look in her eyes had me flashing back to past times, that look was doom...it was like looking at Marco or Papi.

Then I watched her nostrils flare and her pupils dilate.

 _"You hurt me so bad."_ She said, then there were tears in her cold eyes. _"You deserved to feel how much you hurt me."_

 _"B calm down."_ I whispered as I took a step back.

 _"I can't...it doesn't help. You don't understand me when I'm calm."_ She took a huge step forward and was so close I could smell the lingering scent of alcohol on her breath.

My stomach flopped. As I took a huge step back, my back met the wall and I realized I had willingly backed myself into a corner. I was right next to the door, my family was just outside. Britt reached over and locked the door and then looked back at me. I gulped and went to reach for the door knob but she caught my wrist, the left one and yanked it away from the door and held it tight in her hand.

I bit my lip and looked up at her as the tears came down my cheeks.

 _"That's not true, B...violence doesn't solve things. You know that. Let go...please?"_ she closed the gap between us and took a hold of my chin with her other hand, lifting it up so that the crown of my head was nearly flush with the wall. My neck was exposed as I looked up into her eyes.

 _"I'm so pissed with you right now."_ she said as she caressed my neck with her fingers. Some people get turned on by that but with my history it freaks me out big time. I sucked in a breath and held it before smiling nervously at her.

 _"Don't be, pissed, this is what you wanted...to be free and so I was doing the same. I'm sorry about last night."_ I said pleadingly.

In a split second she had gone from caressing me to squeezing my neck with both hands. I tried to suck in as much air as I could but she was pushing down hard on my windpipe.

 _"No more Santana! You can't manipulate me anymore!"_ she was yelling in my face now.

Everything was getting fuzzy as I fought for air. My hands flew to my stomach because I knew that if I wasn't getting air then neither was the baby. I used my hands and tried to punch at B but my punches were landing weakly.

I heard the front door open. I was so close but so far from help, I knew they could see what was happening and I could hear how frantic they were.

There was a pounding on the door as I fought for air and then there were stars in front of my eyes as I looked at Britt red faced, teeth clenched with tears in her eyes. I was fading. I could feel it.

Just as everything went black and my body started to droop, I heard a loud bang and then Celia's voice.

_"What the fuck are you doing?"_

Britt had really fucked things up this time.


	19. 50 ft. (Lauren Juaregui)

When Marco had choked me out a year ago, the drugs combined with the force he was using knocked me out. This time, I remained awake. I was sitting on the floor against the wall cradling my belly and watching.

Celia had tackled Britt and shoved her face into the ground so hard I was pretty sure her nose was broken with all the blood on the floor. Britt wasn't putting up a fight as Celia twisted her arm behind her back and laid on top of her.

Mami and Sandra were scrambling around me. Sandra was talking to me, taking my pulse and then she was lying me down onto my back and holding the sides of my head while Mami placed my hands over my baby bump and then kept her hands on top of mine. Sandra had her hands cupped over my ears as she spoke to me but I couldn't really hear anything.

I knew this technique of holding onto my head from that CPR class that Sue made us take. Stabilize the neck and try to keep the person awake and talking but I couldn't. My words and my voice had left me.

And even though I wasn't answering her questions, she kept talking. I was focusing on her lips and eyes, then I saw the tears and I thought of her baby growing and feeling all of this stress.

My daughter had been deprived of oxygen just like me...she was being too still and it made me nervous.

_Please baby please._

Then there were more people moving around, all of a sudden, Sandra was gone and I was getting fitted with a neck brace and being lightly put on a board. As they put me on a gurney, I finally heard crying.

Isaac.

 _"MA MA MA MA MA!"_ He screeched and more tears came.

I wanted to turn my head towards his cries for me but I couldn't. I tried to call to him but I couldn't make a sound without the feeling of shattered glass in my throat.

His cries dwindled and then there was the bright light of the morning sun before being lifted into an ambulance.

I felt so alone, so betrayed, and stupid.

How could I walk right back into a situation where I could be victimized like this?

She'd said to me, she can fuck up and I'll take her back but if I fall in love, there's no hope for her.

What she failed to realize is that I was in love with someone else...two people actually.

Isaac and my sweet baby girl...I'd choose them over her every fucking time.

The paramedics were talking to someone and then I felt the coolness of my mother's hand.

I cried more when I could finally feel the baby moving around, she moved a little slower than normal but still she was letting me know that she was okay.

The tears were cold on my face as we left the ambulance.

Everyone kept talking to me but still it was like I was wearing earmuffs. Only some sounds were filtering through.

I already knew from experience that me being pregnant was going to limit the amount of things they could do to help.

But this was New York City, surely the doctors were some of the very best.

* * *

I blinked and then I was being shocked alive.

The heaviness of a tube down my throat and the heavy feeling of my body was the first things I noticed as the bright lights of a room, got my attention.

I wasn't in the ambulance anymore.

My first instinct was to feel for my baby bump but I couldn't, my arms were so heavy.

Then I closed my eyes again and tried like hell to open them again.

But I couldn't.

I had to surrender to the darkness or everything hurt. The time in the darkness was like floating in a pool of coolness and lightness. There exists only one other time that I felt this kind of darkness and bliss, it was when I collapsed on the ground of Marco's penthouse with a heroin needle stuck in my arm.

Only then, everything burned, I had been floating on a lake of fiery lava instead of this coolness.

How could this happen?

Why was I here?

What...why?

There was beeping and then the heaviness lifted off of my arms, replaced with thousands of needles and pain.

But why?

I was floating, higher and higher.

Brightness took over my vision, one eye then another, back and forth.

At first it was a trickle...sound coming down a tunnel.

The whine and crackle in my ears as I floated.

Isaac...my baby was trying to grow...trying to live and I had hurt him.

My fault.

My fault.

* * *

My eyes hurt as I opened them and tried to get my head together.

This hospital was new...there weren't cornfields across the street. Just lights.

What kind of dream was this?

My stomach felt stretched and was rumbling.

I rubbed my small belly and was surprised that it felt so big.

When had that happened?

The headache that plagued me wouldn't let me remember why I was here.

Where was Britt?

Hadn't I given her this chance to fix things? She should be here.

Had I overdosed again?

What the fuck was happening?

I slapped the nurse button, hoping that Dr. J would come in to piece things together.

But instead two white women came in.

_"Hi Santana, Dr. Gruben is going to check your vitals and then I'll check on your little girl."_

Boy.

I thought but maybe this lady was wrong.

But apparently she wasn't?

* * *

_"Your neck has healed beautifully, I'm going to take out this breathing tube. There will be discomfort and you may not be able to speak right away, just try not to bite down."_

I closed my eyes as the tube was pulled from my throat and I gagged really loud. Spit dribbled out of my mouth and I took a deep breath once it was gone.

My throat ached badly so I didn't try to speak. I just looked at this doctor and tried to focus on what she was saying.

Over a month in a coma.

Nearly Thanksgiving.

Ex-wife...what?

At that I couldn't resist.

_"Ex-wife? Wh-who?"_

I asked.

She gave the other doctor a look and then said something about paging neurology.

_"Santana do you know where you are?"_

_"Hosp-p-pital."_ I stuttered out not able to get the word to come out like it sounded in my brain.

 _"What city?"_ She asked and my head hurt.

_"Lima."_

She scribbled more and then began taking vitals, asking questions along the way.

_"What year is it?"_

_"2012."_

_"Do you know the month?"_

_"Uh...February?"_

* * *

I saw more doctors, was asked more questions.

Anoxia...Retrograde Amnesia.

Possibly temporary...possibly not?

Bring in her son.

Son?

Isaac was here?

Then who...was this?

A new baby?

A daughter?

I hugged my belly and wept.

No one could tell me how I got to New York City...or they wouldn't.

They wanted me to see family one at a time.

My brain couldn't be overwhelmed.

I'd graduated.

Gotten married again.

Divorced twice.

I was 19 now?

All I could do was hold onto my big baby belly and cry.

The tears sent me into coughing fits.

I had asthma...since when?

Why?

Drugs, it had to be drugs.

Fuck, was Britt mad at me, is that why she wasn't coming to see me?

* * *

The first person I saw was Mami, she looked older and frailer then I remembered, she was twisting her hands together as she tried to smile at me but that didn't last very long after I uttered her name. Well more like stuttered.

_"Ma-Ma-Mami."_

She wrapped me in her arms gently, like I was just a baby again. She smelled different, spicier but the base scent was the same. She brushed her fingers through my hair and her finger got stuck.

_"Oh my, it's so matted...do you want me to brush it, beba?"_

_"Y-yes."_ I breathed out against her neck, enjoying the smell of her. Then the tears came when her hand touched my belly. She rubbed so gently and then pulled back and kissed my tears before wiping at my cheeks.

_"Okay, mi'ja. Sit here a moment and I'll go see if I can find a brush."_

_"N-no. Do-don't lea..."_ I couldn't remember what I wanted to say to her...it left me just as quickly as it came.

_"Okay, I'll stay."_

She sat down next to my bed and held my hand in hers.

 _"I-I-Isaac?"_ I asked.

_"Oh, he's with Quinn and Celia at your house."_

_"My h-h-house?"_

_"I brought pictures. The doctors say they might help your memory."_

She pulled out her phone and climbed next to me on the bed.

I rested my head on her shoulder as she brought up a picture of a beautiful white stone house with a black door that had a beautiful monogram L on it. The house was beautiful but I couldn't get myself to remember it.

_"N-nice."_

_"And..."_ she scrolled to the next picture of a smiling baby with two teeth, the bluest eyes, black beautiful curls and my face. _"This is Isaac. He's almost eight months and he misses his Mami so much."_

The tears came down and I tried like hell to remember giving birth, kissing his face, what he smelled like...anything but there was nothing.

She showed me a picture of him from apparently just before things happened. I still didn't know what those things were, mind you, I hated that they were playing coy but hopefully Mami would tell me.

There he was in my arms, a little smaller, with more drool. I kissed his face and I looked so happy. So satisfied with him in my arms and my baby bump was a bit smaller. I looked so happy.

 _"I-I ca-can't...re-re-me-member my b-b-baby."_ I was crying again and my throat hurt.

_"Okay, that's enough for today, mi'ja...don't get worked up okay. You'll remember him. Do you want me to bring him here?"_

_"Y-Yes."_

_"Ok, just breathe. You're so close to being able to go home, I don't want you to be set back."_

_"H-Home?"_ I couldn't imagine living in New York again, this time by choice and in my own house, no less. _"B-Britt?"_ I asked her and her face went pale.

_"Tomorrow, when I bring Isaac. We can talk more. You look tired. Rest for now."_

_"I-I am. S-stay?"_ I asked her and she put her phone on the side table before pulling me against her. The warmth of her body seemed to bring mine back to life a bit.

* * *

My next visitor came later in the day after I had eaten dinner with Mami's help and then she'd gone to get a brush for my hair.

 _"Q."_ I was so happy to see her face, even if her hair was as dark as mine and her lips were painted a ruby red.

 _"S. It's good to see you, baby girl."_ She said as she hugged me tight. Her smell was also different, she smelled like someone that I knew...but who?

 _"H-hobbit?"_ I asked and she rolled her eyes.

_"Oh honey, we broke up so long ago. I'm sleeping with Celia now...all the time."_

_"Oh. I-I g-gave b-b-blessing. Y-your b-b-birthday."_

_"You sure did. I'm glad you remember that. One less thing to explain. She's amazing. Thanks for her."_ I was shocked by just how open she was now, is this what being with my sister and away from Lima had done for her? I liked it.

_"I-Isaac?"_

_"When you were in the coma, I brought him here so that he could give you kisses, in hopes you'd wake up. Now though, Gladys wants to be the one to bring him which I get. The doctors are big on not setting you backwards."_

_"B?"_ I asked and she bit her lip.

 _"Did this."_ She said to me and I was in disbelief.

 _"N-no."_ I said, defiant.

Q didn't get to say another word because Mami came in with a brush and some detangler. She seemed surprised to see Quinn sitting with me but she didn't say anything as she stepped around her coldly.

There was a rift between them.

And then Q leaned in and kissed my cheek.

_"It was good seeing you, S. I'll come by again tomorrow. I love you."_

My throat ached so I held up the sign for I love you and she smiled huge.

I'd learned it when we had worked with that choir for the deaf a million years ago with Britt.

Who had done this to me?

Is that why she hadn't come?

* * *

 _"Ma-Mami?"_ I called when Quinn was gone and she was grunting her way through a knot.

_"Yes, amor."_

_"Britt? Sh-she p-put me h-here?"_

_"Shit. She was not supposed to tell you about anything to do with that day. See if she's allowed back here."_ Mami grumbled.

 _"S-stop."_ I said putting my hands to my head. _"H-hurts."_ She'd been brushing extra hard and yanking my neck which still ached.

_"I'm sorry...so much has happened since that day...and...I'm sorry, mi'ja. So sorry."_

_"W-Why?"_

_"I don't want to get you worked up."_

_"T-tell me."_ She went to brush again but I pulled away. _"P-please?"_

I held in my breath as she came back around the bed and sat on the edge, putting my hand in her lap.

_"After everything, Quinn has been letting Brittany see Isaac and I'm against it. Not after...she doesn't deserve to see him."_

_"D-Did I l-let her s-see him?"_ I asked.

She looked at me and sighed, nodding her head.

_"You did, even when things were bad between you, you never kept Isaac from her."_

_"T-Then Q, d-did w-what I-I w-want."_ I said, trying to give my most serious face.

_"Okay, I won't be so petty. I'm sorry."_

I squeezed her hand.

 _"I-I'm s-scared too."_ I said and then gave her my best smile. _"B-but I t-trust Q."_

_"I knew you'd say that. You're awake now, I can relax a little. Lo siento."_

_"N-no I-Isaac t-til I-I c-can t-t-talk."_

She looked sad but she nodded in agreement. I didn't want him to see me like this

So broken.

* * *

Once Mami calmed down, I let her finish brushing my hair before she sat with me through speech therapy.

There were so many doctors, therapists and a psychologist.

Apparently, I had been sober for six and half months but the tremors were back because my brain had reverted because of that, I had a drug counselor now but she didn't make me talk.

Instead, we colored together as she talked to me about the steps.

Then there was my obstetrician who I couldn't quite trust...not all the way.

So when she came in I refused to open my legs and said plainly, _"R-Ramirez."_

It took a whole four days of me being fully awake before Dr. Ramirez was able to rearrange her schedule to come to New York.

And when I saw her I wanted to jump from the bed to hug her.

_"Tears? Really, did you need me that bad? You have no idea how good it makes me feel that you picked a small town girl like me over a rock star like Cabot."_

I smiled at her and opened my arms, she smirked at Dr. Cabot who was standing against the wall with her arms crossed as she watched us hug. I could tell that she was annoyed and I didn't care.

Right now, I needed to be comfortable and I didn't know that bitch.

Dr. Ramirez wiped my tears away and then held out her hand for my chart and Dr. Cabot stood there red faced but she finally handed the chart over. _"I'm still staying, she and her baby are my patients."_

_"Cool your jets, Cabot, I'm just here at her request. I have no plans to step on your toes...but I mean, she was mine first. Why don't you just take notes, so that I don't mess up your precious process any further."_

Dr. Cabot seemed to relax as she hovered just beyond Dr. Ramirez and acted as her assistant even though from what I could tell she was older.

I relaxed as she put my feet up in the stirrups and then got to work down there.

There was a knock on the door and then Mami popped her head in. I waved her over and she came excitedly over to me and took my hand.

_"Did I miss anything?"_

_"L-love s-spat."_ I said and both doctors got red faced.

I knew it!

They were definitely suppressing an attraction.

If they found love because of my vagina, I would never let either of them live it down.

* * *

My baby girl was showing no signs of trauma but they wouldn't know for sure until she was born in January. I had just over a month and a half to go as we neared December.

From the sounds of it, I hadn't made it that far with Isaac, he'd been premature for reasons that no one has explained to me.

 _"F-father?"_ I asked Mami and she bit her lip. _"N-no m-more lies."_

I would be going home in one week and would need to know what the world looked like now. The last I could remember I was just barely holding on to my pregnancy, I was still in a cast and I had been tentatively back with Britt...Marco was still hovering around. I was still addicted to drugs...heavily...I'd taken drugs back in January.

_"His name was Ian Perkins. He loved Isaac whole heartedly. He died in August."_

_"Oh."_ God, I was a slut...and if this guy killed himself, obviously he had some issues. Glad I don't have to deal with that kind of stress on top of everything else.

 _"T-this h-his b-baby?"_ I asked and I could tell she didn't want to say.

 _"No."_ The no nonsense tone told me to stop asking. So I did...for now.

How was Isaac now?

Dr. Ramirez would know.

She was taking notes and talking to Dr. Cabot with their heads together and then she finally came over to me and Mami.

 _"How is she?"_ Mami asked.

_"Perfect from what I can see. Her growth is right on track and she's moving around just like normal. She's starting to turn in preparation for birth although, I'm not quite sure you will have a breezy natural birth after your cesarean earlier this year."_

I looked at her in confusion because I knew nothing at all. Mami saw that and spoke up for me. _"You can tell her Vero, she trusts you and you're the only other person that was there every step."_

 _"B?"_ I asked and Mami let out a deep sigh.

_"She was there every step too...just in a different way."_

I looked at Dr. Ramirez and she looked over at Dr. Cabot. _"Can you get her cleaned up and comfortable, I need to get my notes sent to me from her last pregnancy. I should be back in five if my receptionist can tear herself away from Candy Crush."_

After seeing the way that Dr. Cabot seemed so willing to help, I didn't get weird when she began to clean the goo off of me and helped me get settled. She came over to the other side of the bed and tucked her hands in her pockets.

_"I know that for you, I am a complete stranger. I want to let you know that you chose me because I reminded you of a stricter version of Dr. Ramirez. You were originally assigned to my associate and you demanded that I be your doctor. Since you became my patient, I have invested my time into your history and your present. I hope that over time you can learn to trust me again. I'd hate to lose you as a patient. I plan to be with you every step of the way and will do everything to give you the best birthing experience."_

She looked like she wanted to cry but also kinda pissed and I decided that I liked her right then.

 _"Y-you're h-hired."_ I said and then held my shaky hand out to her and she took it. She looked relieved and a little smug as she squeezed my hand. Dr. Ramirez came in around then and hesitated in the doorway.

_"Couldn't wait to swoop in on my girl?"_

_"Nope."_ Dr. Cabot said and then sat down by the bed. _"Also, as her doctor, I'd like this complete history as the person that will be there through labor and delivery."_

_"Okay, cupcake chill, right now I want to make sure that Santana is ready to hear what I'm going to share with her."_

I nodded and then took Mami's hand in mine.

 _"Yes."_ I said, it was the first time that I was clear in my speech in the weeks since I'd been awake.

_"Mind if I sit?"_

_"S-sit."_ I said feeling nervous.

She held her tablet and began to read her notes almost mechanically.

 _"In the days that led up to Isaac's birth you had trace amounts of cocaine in your system, barely detectable but there nonetheless. You were underweight, even with gestational diabetes and high blood pressure. On April 7, 2012, you were admitted to the hospital at 3:55 am."_ She hesitated and then let out a sigh. _"I was informed that your water broke unprovoked and there was slight bleeding. Soon after you were admitted, we discovered more cocaine in your system and that the baby was in life-threatening distress. Despite our best efforts to try to sustain your pregnancy, we decided fairly quickly that you needed an emergency cesarean as you were too weak to attempt at natural birth. Brittany remained with you through the birth and cut the umbilical cord. Isaac was born without breath and weighed just under 4 pounds. Once he began breathing there was a noticeable tremor in his body, he experienced withdrawal for months afterwards. You bled out on the table and were given several transfusions after you were resuscitated. Social services was contacted but did not arrive until after you had voluntarily signed your rights to Isaac over to Brittany."_

 _"R-Rehab?"_ I asked.

_"Yes, you chose to go from birthing straight into rehab. You stayed there for 14 days and then relapsed shortly after leaving the center. After you graduated, you completed a longer program and have maintained your sobriety ever since."_

_"G-good. W-what else h-happened?"_

_"Well, you developed a vaginal canal infection but we caught it early. Isaac remained in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit until June 3rd, 2012. He has severe asthma and as of yet, he seems to only have that issue. He's cognitively on track and is developing well, although he is smaller than other babies his age. He's a fighter and while there may be some lasting side effects from your drug usage, with early intervention, he should live a fairly normal life."_

I let out a sob and dropped my face into my hands.

 _"Fuck."_ The second word I said without a stutter. I rubbed my belly and then looked at Dr. Ramirez for a long moment and then turned to Dr. Cabot. Once again she looked smug that I was turning to her. _"S-same as...I-Isaac?"_ I asked her and she let out a deep breath and smiled at me.

_"No. With this pregnancy, you have met every single one of my orders...you slipped up there at the end with following them by taking yourself off bed rest but there hasn't been a single bad blood or urine test. In the beginning, after knowing of past drug history, I had you taking those tests every week but we got lax as you gained the weight that I asked you to gain and thensome. I asked you to get to 115 pounds and you came in at 133. Your blood pressure has been steady for the most part and other than that short stint of bed rest, your pregnancy has been healthy. You stressed to me that you wanted things to be different this time, that you didn't want to put another baby through pain. So we have been working together to make sure that has happened."_

_"T-thank G-God."_ I said. The baby kicked hard and I poked at that spot, she kicked again and I chuckled.

I'd gotten my shit together...why on Earth had Brittany fallen apart?

* * *

It took four weeks from the time that I woke up for me to be able to form a full sentence, Mami kept asking if she could bring Isaac or one of my sisters but I said no. I didn't want anyone to see me like this.

Especially not my son.

But then, people started decorating for Christmas and I clearly remembered talking to my baby bump on Christmas Eve...how I wanted his first Christmas to be. The doctor's were waiting on me to let them know when I was ready.

I was already walking again, slow and steady. I got winded walking across the room but I was able to stand through a shower now. It was hard to see how I fully recovered because I was eight months pregnant and as big as a yacht even though Mami told me that I looked like I was five months, maybe. Of course, I had no point of reference. I couldn't remember the end of my last pregnancy.

It was the day after the first snow and I could see the white from my window and finally, I felt ready.

_"Mami?"_

_"Yes, beba?"_

_"Did y-you dec-decorate m-my h-house?"_

_"Yes, everything but the tree. It's been hard for me to go back to the house but I made an exception for you. I was hoping you'd be home before Christmas to do it yourself for Isaac's first Christmas. I know you don't want to see him in this hospital bed but maybe you'll let me bring him soon?"_

_"I want to g-go home."_ I said and her eyes went wide.

Not once had I said that I wanted to go home.

There wasn't much I knew and I was hoping being in my house, with my son would trigger some memories.

Mami though, looked at me in concern.

_"You should know, that the incident happened in your house, Nanita. Are you sure you want to go back there?"_

_"Yes. It's time."_

_"Okay, I will alert your doctors and therapists to prepare you for discharge. In the meantime, why don't you show me how you can get up and walk across the room."_

I nodded and then slowly, sat up and turned myself so that my feet dangled over the edge. Then with the practice of weeks of therapy, I stood to my feet and then took a deep breath. I reached for Mami but didn't take her hand, I just wanted to know she was there just in case.

We took it one step at a time and after a few moments, I made it to the bathroom door feeling a little sweaty and breathless but there nonetheless.

* * *

On the day of my discharge, I saw for the first time since her first visit, my best friend and it made my heart so warm.

 _"Hey Q."_ I said and she grinned really wide.

_"Hi. I'm here to get you dressed. Ready...did you shower?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good, this should be easy then. There's a lot of snow out there so I brought your favorite boots!"_

I smiled when I saw shoes that I recognized. Then I saw more stuff I recognized, my favorite eye liner and my glasses. My vision had been terrible but Mami refused to go back to the house so I had to settle with readers...until now.

When I put my glasses on things came more into focus. Now that there wasn't a blur around Q, there was a starkness to her.

_"You need a t-tan. B-black hair w-washes you out."_

_"God have I missed you."_ She said as she finished unpacking her book bag that said Columbia on it.

_"Y-you picked Co-columbia?"_

_"I did and I live with you. I help you guys take care of Isaac and I make sure that you eat...and are generally happy...or at least, I did."_

_"W-where is B?"_

_"She has an apartment that you got her after the divorce, she lives close to work down by the Hudson River. There's a restraining order right now so she can't come within 100 feet of the house or you. I've been taking Isaac to see her, you two had a 50/50 custody agreement. She gets him Wednesdays through Friday and you have him Sunday to Tuesday."_

_"S-satur-d-day?"_

_"You originally wanted a family day, to show you're untied as a family still but that never really worked out."_

_"W-why d-divorce?"_

_"That is a long convoluted story. I've already told you way more than Gladys would like me to but when you're home, we can start talking through things little by little. You also kept updating your journal...remember the one I got you for Christmas?"_

_"Y-yes."_

_"You filled it and got another one."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yup, so you'll get to catch up on your own time with your own words and I'll be there. My classes are virtual so I will be your bitch until the new semester starts."_

_"T-thank you."_

_"I love you, San. I'd do anything for you...even be your go between with B."_

_"I-I miss her."_ I admitted and she sucked in a deep breath and then sighed.

_"What's the last thing you remember, babe?"_

_"D-doing d-drugs. G-going to h-hospital in Lima. B h-had just m-moved in."_

_"That was such a dark time for you, I wish you'd gotten stuck in a happier time."_

_"M-me too."_

* * *

Before I left the hospital my physical therapist came into the room with a black cane...when she'd suggested I use one since my mini-stroke had made me unsteady, I told her that I needed something fly and I just knew from the glint in her eye that she'd hook me up,

And so she brought me a cane I wouldn't be embarrassed to use. I'd just look like a pimp at most.

Q eyed it and then snickered.

 _"I know."_ I said and she winked at me.

_"Knowing you, you'll rock it hard."_

_"Y-you know it."_ I grinned.

_"So, your mom has barely been to the house and neither have your sisters, Celia meets me outside most of the time. Today though, they'll all be there to help you get acclimated and to hover. Is there anywhere you want to go before I subject to that because it's going to be a lot and they aren't expecting us for at least another hour."_

_"W-waffles."_ I said and her face dropped. _"W-what?"_

_"Nico's is closed, do you know another place you'd want them from?"_

_"Closed? Why?"_

_"Maybe I can tell you about it later?"_

_"N-no. Y-you are the only one that d-don't lie, Q."_

And so she told me as I sat there on the edge of the bed absorbing the heavy shit.

Nico was dead.

Carmen, who was heavily pregnant had gone into hiding.

Ari saved Britt's life.

Britt got shot in the shoulder but walked away from it.

I felt the tears come and Quinn looked overly concerned.

_"S-stop, I'm fine."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes."_ I took a breath and then asked another question. _"A-Ari is here?"_

_"Yes, after Ian's funeral you two reconnected. She is on a dance scholarship at NYU."_

_"T-take me to her?"_

_"Okay, I can do that."_

* * *

We got to a dorm building that was called Brittany Hall and I couldn't help but laugh.

Quinn got Ari paged downstairs and I leaned against my cane and took a deep breath. I just needed my body to cooperate today. The last thing I wanted was to be treated like a victim, even if I was one.

My whole body woke up when I saw those golden curls framing her tan face. She smiled huge and felt more tears come to my eyes.

 _"You're out!"_ She said and then hesitated as she got closer, _"Can I hug you?"_

I took a deep breath and tried not to stutter. _"P...Please?"_

She pulled me into a deep hug and then whispered a prayer against my neck before taking a step back.

 _"Do you want to come upstairs?"_ She saw my cane and then shrugged. _"There's an elevator and I live right across from it."_

_"Okay."_

_"I'm going to wait down here, you two go up."_ Q said and she winked at me.

What was I missing?

Ari took my free hand and slowly led me though the main doors into an elevator bank. She pushed the button and then turned toward me and brushed a hair out my face. _"I know you don't remember anything about us reconnecting and you're a bit confused but know that I have no problem being your escape. You coming here first out of the hospital tells me that your heart and subconscious remember."_

I couldn't stop blushing or smiling. She just knew me without me having to speak and it was a relief.

When we got behind the door to her room, she helped me to her bed and I sat there on the edge, watching her. She had her hands in her hoodie as she took a seat at her desk across from me.

 _"Y-you...sit here?"_ I said and she smirked.

_"The last time we were in that bed together back in September, we made out for like an hour. You're healing and I want to respect you and your recovery. You don't remember really big moments in your life and the life you remember right now, isn't one I existed in."_

_"I-I know."_

_"So, I'm going to respect you and sit over here."_

_"Oh."_ I said and tried to pout and she rolled her eyes.

_"That's never worked on me and you know it."_

I shrugged.

_"H-had to try."_

_"I know."_

_"Pl-lease?"_

I could feel the tears and that she couldn't resist. She knelt in front of me and pressed her lips to mine. I wanted so bad to remember but not even this brought me back but that didn't stop me. I buried my fingers in her curls, like I'd always wanted.

She pulled back and then brushed my tears away with her thumbs before kissing me again.

When her phone buzzed, she nipped at my lip and I hissed.

_"Shit, I'm sorry."_

I sucked my lip into my mouth.

 _"M-more?"_ I asked and she shook her head.

_"Times up, Q said you two need to get to the house. This was nice though, I know you hate how people hover when you're not feeling well...this doesn't have to mean more than comfort. I respect your life and your commitments, just know I'll be here whenever you need, however you need me."_

_"I know."_ I said and then held out my hand. She kissed it and then helped me to my feet.

Before she opened her door, she buried her hands in my hair and kissed me hard, I kissed her back and just before she pulled away, I nipped at her lip.

She laughed so hard there were tears in her eyes, or had those been there already?

The world was so weird now and instead of fighting it, I was giving in and hoping that my mind caught up.

* * *

When we got to the house, we pulled into the driveway...in New York City, I had found a driveway and garage? Go me!

_"It should be easier from the kitchen since you really shouldn't be climbing stairs."_

_"N-nice car, Q."_ I said as I ran my hand over the leather.

_"Thanks but this is yours. You traded in your convertible so you'd have room for Isaac."_

_"I did?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Oh."_

_"Ready?"_

_"Hi-Hiding places."_ I said and looked at her and then I tried to crane my neck around the car.

_"I don't think you had any...if you did, where would you put it?"_

I pointed to the driver door and she ran her hand over it until she found a little hole. She glared at me and then looked on my keys until she found a key that really just looked like a black lollipop stick. She pressed it into the hole and the side panel popped open.

But it was empty.

_"Looks like you stayed honest."_

_"A-awesome."_

When she helped me out of the car, I leaned against it while she grabbed my cane and bag.

 _"Q?"_ I said before she could move.

_"Yeah?"_

_"H-how did you...Ari?"_ I said, too tired to try to get through my full thought.

_"She told me and just from the look in her eyes, I knew...at some point you started giving your kisses to her instead of me."_

_"Y-you mad?"_

_"Nope. I'm happy that someone you have loved since you were 12, loves you back. Even if it doesn't pan out and for some insane reason, you and Britt do...I feel good knowing, that someone else outside your family has your back."_

* * *

Nothing could have prepared me for the sheer amount of noise that existed in the kitchen alone. Mami was at the stove and talking over the loud music at my sister.

Sandra was mid potato peel when she saw me and then smiled.

When she came around the island, I could see a growing baby bump.

 _"B-baby?"_ I said to her and she nodded before hugging me.

_"Come sit, I know you're probably tired."_

_"Y-yeah."_ I said and she helped me to a comfortable bench in an eating nook. I took a moment to look around the kitchen while Q updated Mami and Sandra on my discharge orders. I was running my fingers over the table top, feeling the faintest of memories.

Something about lollipops...what could that mean?

Q had slid across from me on the bench while Sandra went back to her peeling. I could tell they were consciously not crowding me and I appreciated it. Quinn looked apprehensive and I think I knew what she was waiting for. Mami had essentially put a gag order on her, she couldn't answer what wasn't asked. I'd noticed...and so I could tell she wanted to just talk like we always had...she just didn't want to disrespect my family.

Only, Q is my family...always has been and always will be. She's saved my life on countless occasions, the gag order needed to stop. I was home now and I made the rules.

 _"I-Isaac?"_ I whispered and she smiled huge.

_"It's Friday, do you remember what I said about the custody arrangement?"_

_"B."_ I said and she nodded.

_"I got her to agree to go half on Saturdays, so I will pick him up at noon and bring him home...unless you need more time and we can flip this week."_

_"No, noon t-tomorrow. Y-you will help me?"_

_"Yes."_

I reached across the table and squeezed her hand. _"Thanks."_

 _"Luce?"_ Celia called from beyond the kitchen door, _"Are you here?"_ Then the door swung open and seeing Celia's face triggered my emotions...I began crying and then stood from the table and held my arm out.

I didn't understand the overwhelming need to thank her and hug her but I just rolled with it. Like Ari said, my heart and subconscious knew something I didn't.

Celia wrapped me in her arms and rocked me from side to side gently. _"Gracias a Dios!"_

I buried my face against her shoulder and wept. She just rubbed my back and held me to her as I ugly cried.

When I stepped back from her, not only did she have tears in her eyes, so did Mami and Sandra as they stood around the island watching. I slid back onto the bench and wiped at my face with my sleeve and then laughed when Quinn looked at me in horror.

 _"You have given me entire lectures on using your clothes as a napkin."_ She said.

_"I know."_

_"Do you want anything?"_

_"PJs."_ I said and she smiled, then stood and held out her elbow for me. _"Be back."_ I said to Mami and my sisters as I leaned on my cane and took Q's arm.

_"We have a this gorgeous guest bedroom just off the dining room, it has a bathroom and everything. I made sure that it would be ready for you."_

She was the absolute fucking best.

* * *

As we headed out of the kitchen, I could see that we went into a gorgeous dining room and then the living room and stairs off to the right. I stopped our momentum as I looked towards the door...my heart sped up and I reached for my neck. I knew that Britt had hurt me and it had happened here, my body though knew even more. It knew that it happened in this very room.

 _"Okay, shit...come on...focus with me. Breathe...come on, San...please?"_ Q looked near tears when my eyes met hers again. I tried not to get myself worked up because I knew for sure that Mami had been on her about pushing me too far and I didn't want her to get scolded again.

 _"I'm f-fine."_ I whispered, my throat aching.

 _"Close your eyes."_ I did. _"Take deep breaths."_

And I did, thinking of her eyes filled with concern and finally my chest and throat relaxed. As she led us from the room, I kept my eyes closed and she walked so slowly, that I didn't feel exhausted by the time I heard the door close.

 _"Safe?"_ I asked.

_"Yes."_

I opened my eyes and smiled when I saw a gorgeous room that was so obviously decorated by me. There were bookshelves lining the wall next to and around the bed. I just stood there took it in.

_"N-nice."_

_"Your pride and joy. B had a lot of say in your bedroom upstairs but you said that after you gave birth, you weren't going to want to climb the stairs so you designed this room as your second room."_

_"L-love it."_

_"Do you want to pick your pjs?"_

_"Yes."_ She pulled out three sets that all looked nearly identical. There was a black pinstripe one that looked fancy and I loved it. I pointed at it and she smirked. _"What?"_

_"Sugar sent these for you...there are fluffy black slippers to match it."_

_"Sugar?"_

She grinned at me and nodded, looking beyond amused.

_"You had a two week long fuck fest with her back in September when you were in Lima. When you went into the hospital, she kept sending you flowers and candy that you couldn't eat...so I ate it. Sorry not sorry. Anyway, one of the last things she got you was a get well care package. I'm sure she splurged and your high standards caught on immediately."_

_"Wow...are we...you know?"_

_"Together? Ha! You were adamant that it was just a friends with benefits situation but you also assured me that she was a beast in the sack. Total top."_

_"I-I can't imagine."_ And then I sat on the bed and began to shimmy out of my boots, this belly was in the way of being able to do much else.

_"Oh for the love of all things holy, just stay still, I'll do the work...after months of dressing Isaac, I've got this down to a science."_

Quinn wasn't kidding, aside from me lifting up my butt or arms when she asked, I didn't have to do much at all.

She looked so satisfied with herself as she helped me to my feet.

_"Ready to brave the walk back to the kitchen?"_

_"Pee."_ I said and she slapped her forehead.

_"It's been hours of course. This in no way reflects on my bedside manner okay?"_

_"S-say less."_

When we stepped out of the room, I squared my shoulders and held my head high. I would not be a victim.

The throat tightness still happened but it wasn't as bad as before, thank God.

When we got to the kitchen, Mami was putting the food out on the island buffet style.

_"I have a night class, so I need to head upstairs...I'll be back down to help you get ready for bed, okay?"_

Celia kissed Q and then handed her a plate and glass. _"Good job babe, now go study. We got this."_

* * *

The mood shifted as Q headed upstairs and left me with the Lopez women who had always been more than ready to strike.

I should know, I'm the same way but I could tell they were doing their very best to hold back.

And I'm not sure how my patience got after having a baby but it was so short right now. I wanted to snap but instead, I sat at the table and slowly scooped rice and beans on my spoon before bringing it to my lips.

My stomach growled as I chewed and I felt the baby kicking up a storm.

_I know baby, Mami was tired of that yucky hospital food too._

I smiled to myself as I sat there slowly working through my food.

Then I got thirsty and had to use two hands to lift my cup. I was getting tired and nearly dropped the cup but Sandra was quick and placed her finger at the bottom of the cup, relieving some of the weight.

When I was finished drinking, I put the cup down and then sat back, rubbing my belly with my eyes closed.

I took a second before opening my eyes and turning to Sandra first.

 _"Hi."_ I said.

_"Hey. Sup kid?"_

_"C-chillin."_

_"How can I help?"_

_"W-what h-happened?"_ I asked, looking only at her.

 _"A lot happened but you want to know about that day?"_ I nodded, she looked over at Mami and Celia, there was a reason I was asking her. Mami was mad about everyone and everything, she was too biased to tell me what happened without the emotion and Celia still made me want to cry, I wouldn't be able to hear what she had to say...not yet.

 _"We don't have to do this."_ Mami said and I shot her a glare. She nodded and slid out of the breakfast nook. _"Fine, I don't want to do this...okay...it's...too much. I'll be upstairs."_ Mami kissed all of our cheeks, then kissed me once more and then tipped up my chin. I shivered and jerked back, a memory slammed into me.

Britt tipping up my chin until the crown of my head was level with the wall. I gasped for breath and bit on my already swollen lip. The thought of Ari biting it a little too hard made me focus on something else.

Mami looked terrified.

 _"B."_ I said to her and she understood, my chin...my neck...the actions were too much. Mami didn't go upstairs, she just cried silently with her back to us as she cleaned up the kitchen. I turned back to Sandra and nodded. _"Please."_ I said, clearly.

I sat with my fists balled in my lap as Sandra told me what she knew. Mami had left me with Britt to go get Isaac. Celia had gotten here and everyone was catching her up. Then Isaac started crying, screaming like he was in pain.

_"We all went inside and then Quinn saw it first, Brittany with her hand's around your throat. You were holding your belly with one hand and banging against the glass with the other hand until your wrist snapped. Celia kicked the door open and threw her body weight at Brittany, breaking her nose and re-injuring her shoulder as she twisted her arm behind her back."_

So that was why I'd felt grateful to Celia, she'd saved me. I could also see that Mami hovering for all these weeks was partly guilt, she'd left me alone with Brittany. My lack of memory is what kept me from being angry. I just felt so sad. I was crying but I just nodded at Sandra to keep going.

_"P-please?"_

_"Celia and Quinn stayed behind until the cops arrived. I took Isaac home with me after I secured your neck until the paramedics arrived. I kept Isaac by my side until Britt got released from jail and she got monitored visitation. They've cleared her in the last few weeks...she's kept him overnight the last two weeks. Gladys doesn't really sleep on those nights...I don't think any of us does."_

_"T-thank you. I owe y-you so m-much."_ I said through my tears. I felt so tired and just wanted to curl up in bed.

_"No, we owe you. We have been all talk for the most part and haven't closed rank around you like we should have."_

_"D-don't. I-I'm okay."_

_"No."_ Celia said and finally I looked in her eyes and they were pleading and serious. _"From here on out, we got you whenever, wherever. The moment we knew Marco had come back around we should have shut that shit down, baby daddy or not."_

My body went cold as I rubbed my belly.

 _"W-what?!"_ My voice sounded tight and my heart was racing. God no, what had I done? _"No...no m-more."_ I held up a hand and Celia stopped talking. Sandra was about to ream out Celia but I put a hand on her arm. _"I-I just n-need t-time."_


	20. Older Than I Am (Lennon Stella)

There was so much I wanted to say but I just needed to be alone. I pushed up from the table and wiped at my tears, before leaning on my cane. They all had something to say but I held my head high and pushed into the dining room. I stopped short when I put the puzzle piece together with the front door.

She'd lifted my head with her finger and I let her. My fear gave into her because I didn't think she'd go that far.

I had been stupid, I just wasn't sure how stupid I'd been.

My throat and chest were tight but I walked across the dining room and into the living room, I glanced at the couch and felt irritation. Then even though my instincts wanted me to run, I wasn't going to let myself be afraid.

I had faced bigger bogeymen than Brittany S. Pierce and won. I put my hand to the wall where a picture was. My heart was racing as I lifted the picture frame from the wall and let it drop to the floor when I saw more evidence of my fight. A circular dent...my head had hit the wall when I was struggling to breathe.

 _"San?"_ I was nearly breathless as I traced my fingers over the dent in the wall. _"Santana."_ Q's voice filtered through and I finally turned towards her. She was biting her lip and giving me that cold stare that she sometimes got when she was holding back her tears.

 _"I-I'm tired."_ I said to her and she nodded, stepping on the broken glass on the floor to get closer to me. She held her hand out to me and I tried to smile but I had been pushed past a limit tonight.

_"Just let me take care of you, come on."_

And I did, I let her lead me back into the guest room and then she shut the door and rested against it.

_"Y-you okay?"_

_"I love your family but sometimes I wish they'd leave. The last month has been a constant influx of them coming and going as they please. I know it's your house but I get zero privacy."_

Through my tears I finally laughed and it felt so good.

_"I-I'll fix it."_

_"Eventually, let them hover over you for a little longer. They need it, I get it...but once you are able to be your old self, I expect you to put your foot down."_

_"N-noted."_

* * *

After helping me through a shower and into one of my favorite giant tshirts...Britt's shirt that still held good memories of her including her smell...it was twisted but somewhere in my mind they were separated, there was my Britt Britt and then there was the person who hurt me...a person that I didn't even know.

My Brittany would have never hurt me. The slushy had been as violent as she ever got.

I just couldn't reconcile the two people into one and I was kind of scared of the day that I remembered because I knew it would taint my good memories.

Q went to see off the family and clean up the broken glass while I looked through pictures on her phone. I had yet to see my own phone...did they think I'd message B?

When Q came back, I was sitting in bed reading Hunger Games, trying to see how it ended since I didn't remember how it finished, she smiled at me and then headed into the bathroom. She left the door open, letting me know that she was there if I needed but she was giving me space.

I had never been more grateful.

The hovering was making me a little nuts and she knew it.

I kept reading and then her phone chimed.

_**How is she?-B** _

I stared down at the text and felt my heart race with a mix of fear and excitement.

My hand hovered over the phone but then I heard the shower turn off and I scolded myself for wanting to break through the silence. If I was barely ready to be in the living room, then there was no way that I was ready to talk to Brittany.

Be cool, Lopez.

Be cool.

 _"You look like you're up to something, didn't think I'd see that look anytime soon. What's up?"_ Q said as she dried her hair with a towel.

_"T-text."_

She came over and picked up her phone, then she typed a quick response and turned her screen towards me.

_**Alive and curious about what happened.-Q** _

_**...** _

_**...** _

_**She hate me?-B** _

Quinn showed me and then waited for me to speak.

 _"Dis-dis..."_ I tried to say but the tears came.

She nodded and typed a quick response.

_**Disappointed. Emotional. Lost.-Q** _

_**I'll be at the theater at 12 sharp-Q** _

_**...** _

_**...** _

_**...** _

_**...** _

_**ok-B** _

_**Take care of her, Q.-B** _

_**Always!-Q** _

I slid down in the bed and curled into my old pregnancy pillow, that I had gotten when I was pregnant with Isaac.

Quinn slid in right behind me, her chin on top of my head as she held my hip loosely before kissing my shoulder.

_"Rest, I'll be right here."_

_"Ok."_

* * *

My sleep came quick and kept me under until the light shined down on my face. Not once since I woke up from the coma had I had a full night of sleep, with all the beeping and vital checks. Being there with Q at my back made me feel safe.

I woke up and rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling expecting glow in the dark I LOVE YOUs from B but this ceiling was black and had a chandelier hanging. It took me a moment to reorient myself to the present.

To this "new" reality.

I pushed myself up into a sitting position and was startled by Quinn sitting in the glider across from the bed, drinking coffee and reading a textbook.

 _"Hey."_ I said.

She looked up with a smile.

_"Good morning sleepy head. How do you feel?"_

_"Okay."_

_"It's 10, I made you breakfast. Let me help you to the bathroom and into some clothes...then we can eat."_

_"Okay._ " She helped me out of bed and instead of letting me lean on her, she handed me the cane. I shook my head. _"N-not yet."_

She let me lean on her and helped me through my morning routine, even brushing through my hair for me. It was too long now, longer than I could ever remember it being.

_"What are you thinking?"_

_"H-Haircut."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Mmmhmm."_

_"Later this week, I'll take you to my girl."_

I smiled at her and then rolled my eyes as she tried dressing me.

She pulled out pregnancy jeans and I remembered, packing them with drugs.

 _"N-no. T-trash."_ I said and she looked at me like I was crazy.

_"Did you just remember something?"_

_"Y-yes. D-drugs."_

_"Well I washed all of your clothes and I guarantee there aren't any drugs in these pants. I think they were Carmen's."_

The name made my heart warm.

_"Okay."_

I didn't fight the pants and was grateful for them because they supported my belly. It felt less heavy and I felt relief once I was finally on my feet.

_"You look fucking fantastic in those pants."_

I looked in the mirror and smiled. _"I d-do."_

* * *

Quinn hung out with me through pancakes and bacon...which she ate...cuz gross. Still.

When it was time for her to pick up Isaac, I wasn't surprised that Celia popped up to keep me company while Q left _._

 _"Nervous?"_ She asked.

I shrugged as I paged through my journal from the time that I remember and then lost...I had written like I was being paid per letter. I left no space uncovered with music notes...lyrics and more important, reality.

The slushy shower.

Britt quitting tour for me.

My dream about my son asking me to save him.

So many fears about Marco popping up and ruining it all.

Doing drugs.

And B...so much was about me and Britt.

 _"Excited."_ I said distractedly.

_"Can I suggest something?"_

I looked at her and smiled, she was at the top of my good list, she could say whatever she wanted to me.

_"S-sure."_

_"Music therapy. I bought this gallery in Brooklyn and there's this piano in our lobby that you loved. It's plexiglass and the first time you saw it, you played it for hours."_

_"I-I did?"_

_"Yes, so anytime you want to go play and just let your fingers guide you, I'll take you."_

_"Yes. I w-want to g-go."_

_"Great, whenever you're ready, even if it's every day, you got it."_

_"T-thanks."_

* * *

I was making my way through cooking lunch with my sister's help. Q must have told her about my dislike of hovering because she only really jumped in when I needed her to. We made easy things, tomato soup and grilled cheese.

She then warmed up some baby food that Sandra made for Isaac...it was apparently his favorite. Of course, I had no memory of that or him. I was hoping though that today would be the beginning of remembering my son.

I started cleaning up the kitchen when my hand decided to stop working. I felt winded and lightheaded.

_"Okay, screw not hovering. I'm going to need you to sit down and eat while I finish cleaning up."_

And because I was tired, I didn't argue. I sat on the bench and rested my face in my arms on the table top.

 _"Ma? MA!"_ I lifted my head and there he was, my son in Q's arms. He was wearing a little Santa hat and reaching for me.

 _"H-he's m-mine?"_ I said to Q.

_"Yup, he needs a change but you look exhausted."_

_"She is, let her eat. Go change him, that way he's a little calmer. I heated up food."_

_"Ki ki!"_ He screeched and Quinn smiled.

She dipped him until he was grabbing my face and dropping a wet kiss on my cheek, then another and I was nearly in tears but I held back for him. The last thing I wanted was for him to see me sad.

Quinn bounced and sang to him, he clapped his hands as she took him out of the kitchen.

 _"Anything?"_ Celia asked.

 _"No."_ I whispered, feeling like the absolute worst mother on the planet.

She pushed a plate in front of me, just grilled cheese and then glared that Lopez glare. _"Eat. I'll tell her not to bring him to you until you are settled."_

_"No."_

_"Yes. Big sister knows best. So eat."_

_"Fine."_

She left me alone to eat and I took a moment, to just pray.

**_Father, please, please help me to remember the good stuff. Help me remember my little boy and every amazing moment of his life. Forgive me for the anger that I feel and the frustration I'm showing...please don't turn your face from me._ **

I felt the peace fill me and then I let go of all the heaviness. Celia was right, I needed to eat and get myself in the right headspace before I tried to be anything for Isaac.

* * *

Quinn came back without Isaac and sat across from me, her face was serious and when she crossed her hands, I knew she was asking for permission to say her piece. I trusted her and I knew that she would never dump on me what I couldn't handle.

_"I-I'm all e-ears, Q."_

_"A few things that we should talk about...I don't know if you're ready to hear them but it's important to know."_

_"Ok."_

_"First, Isaac is fine, she assured me but he had to get stitches on his leg."_ My heart began to race and I could feel that Mama Bear in me begin to respond, I remembered carrying him, even if I didn't remember him outside of my body. She reached over and grabbed my hand. _"I looked and it looks good, just four stitches. She said he was standing up in her office and took his first steps...she dropped something sharp and he scraped himself going down."_

 _"B-bullshit."_ I said, feeling anger surging in me.

_"Breathe or I'll stop...please?"_

I took a deep gulp of air and then bit down on my lip as I thought of how frightened he probably was. Poor kid.

_"T-talk."_

_"She wanted to talk to you herself but I put my foot down about that. The restraining order is in place for a reason. She is on probation and I reminded her of that."_

_"G-good."_

_"Second, she has to go to California for a week and wanted to know if she could take him with her."_

_"No."_

_"And if you said no, she was going to just leave him with you for the week. Is that okay?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Last thing, she asked me to walk you through giving him a breathing treatment and wanted me to remind you that heavy perfumes and lotions bother his lungs and yours."_

There was rage in my chest and it was entirely new to me. I had never felt this angry with Britt in my life, not even when she fucked Frankie and kissed Quinn...this anger was on a whole other level.

_"Okay."_

She pulled out a sheet of paper that was so obviously written by Britt because it was in crayon. I rolled my eyes. _"W-what's t-this?"_

_"Cheat sheet."_

I looked down at it.

* * *

** 10 FAST FACTS ABOUT IZZY (ISAAC ADEN LOPEZ) **

**1\. FAVORITE COLOR IS RED AND FAVORITE BOOK IS FLOPSY MOPSY**

**2\. ELMO IS HIS FAVORITE SHOW, ALL OTHERS ARE A WASTE OF TIME**

**3\. ANA IS MAMI, BRITT IS MAMA.**

**4\. KI KI MEANS KISS**

**5\. HE HAS TAKEN 5 STEPS, QUINNIE HAS VIDEO**

**6\. ALLERGIC TO DAIRY; TAKES ALBUTEROL FOR ASTHMA AS NEEDED, 1 VIAL. SLEEPS FOR 3 HOURS AFTERWARDS**

**7\. FAVORITE TITI IS SANDRA; THEN TORI; THEN CELIA**

**8\. BLOOD TYPE A+**

**9. CUSTODY SCHEDULE**

**ANA-SAT AFTERNOON-WEDNESDAY MORNING**

**BRITT-WEDNESDAY MORNING-SATURDAY MORNING**

**10\. IZZY LOVES ALL MUSIC AND WILL DANCE TO EVERYTHING, YOUR VOICE IS HIS FAVORITE**

* * *

_"It's actually kind of sweet."_ Q said and I nodded.

 _"I-I s-should know all t-this."_ I wiped at my eyes and then handed it back to Q. _"Room."_

_"Okay, you got it. Ready to go snuggle your little buddy?"_

_"Sure."_ I said, confused by her exuberance. I'd never seen her like this, at least in what I could remember.

If this is the type of Godmother she was, I picked correctly.

So even though she apparently sucked in staying in a relationship with me, turns out the Britt's a good mother...that doesn't actually surprise me. She is an adult child after all.

I followed Q out to the living room and couldn't help but notice that a new picture was up in place of the one I shattered the day before. The tv was on and Isaac was planted on the floor with Celia watching Elmo.

He kept giggling and wiggling as he watched.

I wanted to sit on the floor with him but I knew my body wouldn't let me.

So I sat on the couch and just watched him. He had my dimples and my dark hair but those eyes belonged to this Ian guy. As I watched him, I decided to bug Q for info.

_"H-his f-father?"_

_"Ian. You two had something special, he was your if you had to be with a guy, guy."_

_"Pictures?"_ I pushed out and Q looked at me and then whistled at Celia. She looked up at us and raised her eyebrow.

 _"Baby, go up to my room in my purse and grab her phone."_ Celia jumped up and headed up the stairs without question but I was looking at Q like she had two heads.

_"After everything happened, I just felt like you wouldn't want people in your business. So I took it before your mom could. I charged it up and then turned it off for when you were ready for it."_

Celia came down the stairs on her own phone, muttering to someone and then handed the phone to Q. _"Family meeting, I need to get to Westchester."_ My face must have said it all because Celia, recovered quickly. _"The meeting is about you and Gladys didn't want you there. She doesn't want to stress you out."_

 _"N-no."_ I said, looking over at Q and I mouthed an apology. _"T-they come h-here. I am n-not a pro...problem to be h-handled. Tell them to come and b-bring a tree."_

Celia looked shocked that I was making demands fresh out of the hospital but fuck if I was going to let people figure out what to do with me and how to handle me. I was healing but I wasn't an invalid.

This house was barely decorated and my little guy needed a real Christmas and he was going to have one!

My sister looked at Quinn for help but my girl, as tired as she was of my family was sticking up for me. _"You all said how you wanted to band around her and be there for her. It's Christmas time and I couldn't decorate by myself. So you tell them to come with all the Christmas cheer. She wants happiness and love and support. So go tell them that."_

When my sister left, I leaned in and pressed a kiss to Quinn's cheek and she pulled me into a tight hug. When I looked at my son he was standing in the middle of the floor with his arms out for me.

As I looked at his joy, a memory finally fucking came.

Commentator's box at McKinley him saying his first word and being proud of himself. Me calling him Papa.

I felt the tears welling.

 _"C-come on P-papa."_ I said and Q looked at me in shock, she knew I'd remembered my name for him.

And he began to take his steps, Q was using my phone to record him as he walked toward me. I was leaning as far forward as I could with my stomach in my way and when he got within reach of me, I beckoned him again. _"Almost Papa."_

He laughed when he was standing between my legs and I laughed with him.

 _"It's a Christmas miracle."_ Q said and I stuck my tongue out at her.

Hopefully, the memories kept coming...this though I knew was an answered prayer.

Thank you God.

* * *

Regaining memories wasn't a view of the whole picture, it was just puzzle pieces and remembering my son, even if it was just one memory was something that I wouldn't trade for anything. Quinn pulled him up on the couch and he stood against me, kissing my face and touching my belly.

 _"B-baby."_ I said to him and he looked at my mouth and then my eyes.

 _"Bay."_ He said and I nodded.

 _"Sister."_ I got out, proud of myself.

 _"Sissy."_ He said and I grinned and then kissed his face while Q helped him stand on the uneven cushion.

 _"Good j-job."_ I said to him and he clapped his chubby little hands.

 _"E-mo."_ He said and I looked at Q and stuck out my lip. He saw me do it and then looked at Q and stuck out his bottom lip too.

 _"Oh God help me, a double pout. You've been back five minutes and you're already teaching him to guilt me?"_ She griped but then started a new episode and immediately, Isaac was entranced.

 _"L-lunch?"_ I asked her, remembering the food that Celia had heated up. Quinn hit her forehead and then walked into the kitchen, she came back with an Elmo bowl with baby food in it and a sippy cup.

_"He's going to finish this episode because otherwise he won't eat and it's almost naptime. Do you want to feed him?"_

I shook my head.

_"Show m-me how he likes it."_

_"Okay, well then let's go to the dining room because you wanted him to learn to eat at the table."_

I nodded, believing that's exactly what I would want. My parents were barely ever home with me but when they were, there was no watching tv while eating. I'd wanted to keep that tradition going.

Go me.

After the episode, Isaac clapped his hands and then smiled at me.

_"E-mo."_

_"Eat."_ I said and he pouted, I was so going to regret teaching him that but I knew my own pout...it didn't work on me.

_"E-mo!"_

_"Eat."_ I glared at him and he broke his pout and gave in.

Quinn scooped him up and put him in his highchair, then came over and helped me up from the couch.

Lunch was uneventful, once Isaac saw his Elmo bowl and that Q was flying a spoonful of food to his mouth, he opened up without problem. When he got excited about the food, he'd do a dance as he chewed.

Ugh my heart, this kid was everything.

* * *

I sat with Isaac as he sipped his milk and started to droop in my lap. Quinn was grabbing the side rail from her bed and Isaac's machine just in case he needed it. For some reason, she hadn't thought to move his stuff to my room downstairs and now was trying to fix that error with the help of my sister.

My son looked up at me with those beautiful eyes that reminded me so much of Britt's. I was readjusted him and bumped his leg, he let out a whimper and I remembered his stitches.

Anger flared in me again, her story just didn't make sense to me. Something else happened, I was sure of it but I didn't want to rock the boat. I lifted up his little pant leg and saw that there was gauze covering a good part of his thigh. I thought that was an odd place to get cut at this time of year, out and about if he had been wearing pants.

I laid Isaac on the couch and with all the strength I had, I took his pants off completely. From the outside I probably looked nuts but Isaac just drank from his cup and watched me as I examined his leg.

Not only did he have the gauze but there was a bruise on his other thigh, like he had been grabbed hard.

When there were footsteps coming down the stairs, I looked over at Q and she saw what I was doing and she went pale, she was frozen on the steps, so when Celia came down the steps not looking, she nearly knocked her over.

 _"What's going on?"_ Celia said, then looked at me. _"Something wrong? Is that a bandage on his leg?"_ Quinn hadn't told my sister.

And maybe she didn't expect me to see that it was more than a cut.

I brushed my finger over the dark bruise and then wiped at my leaking eyes.

My poor baby.

And then more memories, arguing with Britt in Sandra's house, her holding Isaac tight, Quinn trying to take him from her. Him whimpering as she held him too tight.

The fuck?

And I still went 50/50 with her?

Was I high?

Celia pushed past Q and knelt by the couch, smiling at Isaac and then lifting his leg to look at the bruising. Then she looked back at Q.

 _"You knew about this?"_ Quinn was nervous as she stared at us, she was under a lot of stress and she had been trying to avoid the blow out. _"Answer me, Lucy!"_ She snapped and Quinn knocked out of her trance.

_"She didn't tell me about it. I saw it when I changed him...I texted her about it but she hasn't responded. I was going to tell you, I just...I chickened out."_

Celia looked ready to explode but I put my hand on her shoulder and shook my head.

 _"It's ok, Q."_ I said. _"Y-you didn't do this."_

_"I'm sorry. Look this has never happened before. She's good with him. It was probably a mistake but I will get to the bottom of it. I swear to you."_

_"No. You...have d-done m-more than enough. H-help me to bed. I-I want to t-talk to Su-san."_

Quinn's eyes got wider.

_"You sure about that? She's been insanely protective over Britt, angry at her but still protective. She helped her get the counter restraining order against the family."_

_"I-I don't c-care. She will w-want to kn...know this."_ I looked at Celia and held up a finger, _"This stays here. No Mami...or S-Sandra."_

My sister wanted to argue but this was my house, my relationship, my son and I had the final say.

_"Fine as long as you stay away from her, I won't step in."_

_"D-deal."_

* * *

I sat up in bed and Q laid him, freshly changed and nearly asleep next to me.

Then she handed me my iPad and sat on the bed.

_"Go. D-don't let anyone in."_

She nodded and then kissed the top of my head before leaving me alone.

I scrolled through my contacts and saw that Sugar's name was above Susan's. It was still unbelievable to me that I had an affair with her but I must have had a reason. It was good to know that while I was pregnant and recently divorced from Britt, that I had feel confident enough to have sex with anyone else.

In the past, I hesitated a lot when it came to Britt's mom because I knew how protective she could get over her daughters but right in that moment, I felt like this was a long time coming.

After fluffing up my hair and drying my eyes, seriously these tears could fill a bathtub, I hit the call button.

It rang for all of two seconds before it was answered, Susan was sitting with Court on the front porch of her house.

Susan just stared at me like I was a ghost and tears came to her eyes, had we bonded?

Court took over.

 _"Hi, Sanny bear!"_ Court was 11 now and she had the dark hair that Britt didn't. She kinda looked like the fake Ariel from the Little Mermaid. _"It's so good to see your face."_

I wasn't sure if they knew anything at all about me or how I was doing but I was certain they were about to find out because I knew I didn't sound the same.

 _"I-it's g-good to see yours."_ I said, feeling frustrated that I couldn't get through that one sentence. Court lost some of the light in her eyes and then looked at her mom. Susan whispered something to her and then she waved at me.

_"Gonna do my homework. I love you, feel better!"_

I nodded this time and then looked at Susan.

 _"Hi."_ I said, relieved that came out complete.

 _"There aren't enough words, my love."_ She said, tears were in her eyes and she just let them fall. _"I'm so glad you're awake and still smiling...still beautiful."_

Now I was crying.

 _"H-how is she?"_ I asked her, even though I was mad and hurt...and so fucking disappointed.

_"I want to say that this changed her completely but it hasn't...not fully. I want to protect her because she's my daughter but what she did to you, I feel like I failed. You didn't deserve any of that. When you left here, you were so happy. For two weeks, you walked around this town with a pep in your step, laughing with your whole body and in hours, she broke you."_

_"B-bent. I-I'm too stu-bborn to b-break."_

_"That's my girl. So tell me, what's up. How are you progressing, Gladys has stonewalled me. I know nothing about nothing."_

_"H-had a s-stroke af-ter g-got to the hosp-ital. T-then the coma. I-I c-can't re-remember af-ter F-February. I use...t-that n-now."_ I showed her my cane and then I wiped my tears and nodded. _"H-hard b-but I-I g-got this."_

She covered her mouth with her hand and shook her head.

_"I'm so sorry you went through all of that, you didn't deserve any of it. The fact that your family is even letting her have overnights with Izzy, it's amazing."_

I could feel my smile dropping as I looked at her and then shook my head.

 _"About t-that."_ I pulled back the blanket and aimed the camera at Isaac's sleeping face before panning down to his bandaged leg first and then over to the bruised one.

_"Oh God, what happened to him?"_

_"H-he c-came back like t-this."_ I said when I was looking at the screen again. _"S-she t-told Q, he fell and cut h-his leg. N-needed stitches."_ I watched her face contort and knew that she didn't believe it either.

_"You want me to find out the truth."_

_"Y-yes."_

_"Okay, I don't want something that could have just been a dumb mistake get him taken from her but with her violent streaks...I just don't want to think she'd hurt him. Is there anything else that you need?"_

_"Just t-truth."_

_"Okay, I'll talk to her and find out. You have my word. Make sure that leg is iced okay, my little man is probably hurting."_

_"I-I d-didn't tell f-family."_

She looked relieved.

_"Oh thank God, you know your mom has been vicious and I love her but man, I would hate to be on the other side of a courtroom. Your lawyer, spoke for you and kept her out of it, thankfully."_

_"I-I'll g-give him a r-raise."_

* * *

Susan wanted answers so she ended the call with me and then told me to get some rest, only I had so many questions that I didn't have the answers too.

**_Q?-San_ **

**_Yes?-Q_ **

**_My journals, please?-San_ **

**_I'll bring them down. Did you talk to Susan?-Q_ **

**_Yes, she's going to find out what happened.-San_ **

**_Good because B hasn't answered me and it's fucking irritating.-Q_ **

**_Is the family here?-San_ **

The door opened and Q came in with a stack of black journals, she shook her head as she kicked the door closed.

 _"Gladys won't come, she said she needs a break but I'm not supposed to tell you that she said that."_ Q arched a brow and I nodded. _"Anyway, Sandra is tired and said that tomorrow would be better, so you my dear just got yourself a day free of the family...Celia is headed to the gallery. It's just us."_

 _"B-bet they s-still meet."_ I muttered and Q rolled her eyes...so did I but I saw her smirk. _"I bet y-you're thrilled."_

 _"I am, do you hear how quiet the house is? Now, I know your analness kicked in..."_ She muttered and then opened one and there was a date at the top _. "I knew it...and I'm a nerd."_ She flipped through the journals and got to three of them all from after Isaac was born.

_"T-tell me about Ian."_

_"Well you'd met him a few times...do you remember the guy that showed up at your locker to check on you after a fight with B?"_

I closed my eyes and vaguely remembered a tall blonde kid.

_"I think."_

She grabbed my iPad and began to scroll back in the year. We sat with Isaac sleeping between us as she went through the year.

Slushy shower.

Prepping for Glee.

Her broken leg.

My wedding day in Sandra's back yard. It was beautiful.

Then I saw myself right before I had Isaac. I could see it in my eyes, I looked high but the way everyone was laughing around me, I'd gotten good at disguising it.

She showed me the pictures and videos of baby Isaac. His twitch when he breathed and then I stopped her momentum.

_"That d-day. S-she didn't let me s-see him."_

_"Nope."_

_"Y-you held me as I c-cried."_

_"I did."_

_"M-mari s-snuck me a p-picture of him."_

_"What else?"_

_"B-Britt was angry. T-that's it."_

_"That's a lot. You'll get there, S, don't rush."_ She kissed my cheek and then scrolled to the first picture of Ian holding Isaac. The resemblance was crazy. Isaac had his ears, his eyes and the dimple beneath his lip. _"He was in love but agreed that in exchange for being Isaac's godfather, he'd sign over his rights so that Britt could adopt him. Just before he died, the paperwork was finalized. Even though he knew this baby wasn't his, he wanted to claim it too. To be a father figure in both their lives but a lot happened and he ended up killing himself."_

 _"Wow."_ I said, zooming in on his face and trying to remember even one thing but I got nothing.

_"His death changed your relationship a lot. You started holding Britt to higher standards and calling her on her shit. She didn't like it at all. Ian would have loved that you made Britt step it up though. You loved him more than most people. You even slept together after you had Isaac, during a break with Britt. He called you Mami or Mama Bear and you called him Papa Bear."_

_"R-really a-and B was ok w-with that?"_

_"No. It fired her up. She hated your love for him and felt insecure the more you two were together. It was just hard to watch, frankly."_

_"S-sorry._ _H-how did...this?"_ I rubbed my belly and then thought of the last time that I had 'slept' with Marco, he'd raped me on Thanksgiving.

_"It was consensual sex. In true you fashion, you married B before you were divorced from Marco. He got petty and you fucked him so he'd sign the papers. You were still in your fertile window. It was the day you were cleared for sex after having Isaac. You got pregnant. Britt took it hard and you two broke up shortly after. Marco promised to back off and love you from afar."_

_"D-did he?"_

_"For a while but then, he got locked up and started I don't know thinking. Britt got it in her mind that he would find a way to steal the baby from you. So she refused to be a parent to the baby. Just Isaac and you felt hurt, left for Lima for two weeks and immediately started a thing with Sugar but you also got some good quality time in with Ian's little sister, Tori, who was adopted by none other than Sue Sylvester."_

_"You're joking?"_

_"Nope."_

It was mind boggling how much had happened since February. I had a lot to catch up on. It started though with looking at pictures while reading the journals, hoping I could piece together my life.

I had so many questions that I needed answered and I planned to talk to everyone in my life...with the exception of the woman that my heart didn't know how not to love and the man that I hated that I still felt love for.

* * *

Quinn left to go eat lunch while I started reading. The stroke had affected my left side, it was a mini-stroke but it was enough to alter my speech and give me weakness in my left hand and foot.

What I wanted was to take notes while I read but I was finding that difficult. So I kept rereading passages and trying to commit them to memory. Now that my phone was turned on it kept chiming as over a month's worth of messages started to filter through.

Also on my list of things, was reading back old texts to see if they triggered my memories.

One thing was certain, even with my brain being all jacked up, I still had my knack for research. Getting my life back was the goal, figuring out with a fresh perspective if there was even a potential for a friendship with Brittany in the far flung future was my hope. I missed her, even through all of this, that was a constant that I tried to keep to myself.

My body and heart missed Brittany S. Pierce but my mind now knew without a doubt, that she had nearly killed me.

And that wasn't something I was taking lightly and IF she hurt Isaac intentionally, her probation was coming to an end.

Nearly kill me...I might find a way to forgive you, apparently I had still fucked Marco after he'd nearly choked me to death and got me hooked...so anything was possible but hurt my child, that's the ultimate line.

I was fuming as I read, occasionally looking down at my sleeping son when the video chat pinged and I saw Susan's smiling face holding my son. It wasn't a picture I had ever seen, so seeing it was heartwarming.

Seeing it reminded me that in her eyes, she was his grandmother with or without Brittany and I needed to be mindful of that.

When I opened the chat, she was looking at me with regret but was trying her best to smile.

 _"You were right."_ She said and then wiped at her eyes, my heart twisted because when she cried like this, the resemblance between her and B was uncanny. _"She admitted the whole story to me. It was an accident and she was scared that if she admitted the whole story that your family wouldn't let her see him anymore. I told her that not saying anything made this worse."_

I nodded. _"Yeah."_ I smiled when I got out a full word.

_"So, she was on stage going over the list of moves with Tony. Isaac was crawling around and she swears that she was watching him but then her phone rang and she got distracted. She glanced at him and he was crawling towards the edge of the stage. By the time she got to him, she caught him by his thigh before he could hit the floor but in the process he cut his leg on the edge of the stage. She panicked because he was bleeding and took him to the emergency room. He had already had his tetanus shot. She says she gave him all the cuddles and told Quinn about it but didn't think to say anything about the bruise."_

This version of events made more sense and I felt my anger turn into concern. She had to be more careful and when the time came to pass Isaac back, I was going to make sure that Q stressed that to her. He came first before anything, especially that damn phone of hers.

I couldn't get my blood pressure up, so I took a deep breath, feeling like I could trust her with him...if nothing else. So a second chance she got but she was on the thinnest ice. One more fuck up and she was going to have the world raining down on her head.

_"Did y-you t-tell her to s-stop lying?"_

_"I did and I pray that she listens. I warned her that lies like this can get him taken away and you'll have all the ammo that you need. So we'll be in New York for Christmas, can we come see you?"_

_"We?"_ I asked.

_"Rob can't get off, so just me and Court."_

_"Yes. I-I'd like t-that."_

* * *

After getting off the phone with Susan, I had to deal with at home speech and physical therapy which was hell.

My speech therapist wanted to get me to start singing, little things but the sound of my own voice cracking made me cry.

And then...this bitch of a physical therapist had the bright idea of trying to get me to go up and down the eight steps that lead from the pavement to my front door. The sheer energy it took to get to the top had me sweating, gasping for air, and crying yet again.

Every two days they'd be here to torture me and I hated them already.

By the time they were gone, Q had dinner on the table and handed me Isaac's spoon.

_"You feed him this time."_

I tried to pout but she rolled her eyes. _"I'm tired, Q."_ I said and she winked.

_"But you said a full sentence. Keep the momentum going."_

Kids are fucking angels.

My son is the king of all of them.

He was ridiculously patient as I scooped the food and then slowly delivered it to his mouth, all with my right hand.

When I fed him, he would clap for me.

It's like he knew that I needed the extra help.

After he was done, I wiped his face and handed him his milk while I ate my own food.

Leftovers from dinner yesterday which the baby was very grateful for, she was rolling and kicking up a storm.

Q sat at the table with me through it all, ready to step in but not attempting to.

 _"I love you."_ I said to her.

_"I love you too, S. Welcome home."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How am I doing lovelies?


	21. Show No Regret (Daniel Caesar)

It took almost two hours for all of my messages to finally finish loading onto my phone. By that time, both Q and Isaac were knocked out on either side of me. I reached over my son and grabbed the phone from the nightstand and then started working my way through my messages.

There were 708 of them.

And I spent time reading every single one.

Britt had sent me a text every single day since the day she hurt me...and she hadn't stopped even though I was pretty sure the restraining order meant she couldn't text me either.

It was always the same message.

**_I'm sorry-B_ **

But I didn't believe her.

Not once.

If she was sorry, when I woke up she would have been in therapy and taking the medicine that she apparently needed to be taking.

Another thing I hadn't known about waking up was that the day I last remember is also the day that she started messing with her medication.

The Brittany I knew and loved was regimented in taking her secret medication, she was leveled out and in therapy four times a week and that day she moved in, she felt the need to take care of me because I had scared her...she wanted to not be loopy.

I get that she felt out of control but the alternative of going off her medicine is that she nearly killed me and would have succeeded if Celia hadn't tackled her to the ground.

For me to forgive her, it was going to take way more than apologies. I needed answers and I needed to see a real change in her.

Because of her, I may never walk right or sing again.

And if that happened, I wasn't sure I'd ever forgive her.

Then there was the news that she didn't want to accept this baby that was growing inside me...she had put a condition in her apparent unconditional love for me.

We were a package deal, the three of us and if she couldn't love my children...she could never fully love me. I'd lay down my life for them but the more that I found out about the drastic change she went through, I wasn't sure I'd lay down my life for her.

* * *

The baby was awake with me as I laid there, going over my texts. I rubbed my belly to still her movements as I went down a picture rabbit hole. Sugar had outed us on Instagram with a picture of me between her legs, that was probably hilarious. I smiled to myself when I saw that I had gone to a baseball game with Rob. There was just so much happiness just before everything went downhill.

My skin was glowing, I was smiling in all of the pictures and then there were the videos of me playing the piano in front of the glee club. I was in a zone and there was Isaac, watching me and clapping his little hands.

Being a mom looked so good on me.

It was so good to see myself existing happily without having to rely on Marco or Britt. I was depending on myself for happiness and I wanted so badly to get back to that but you can't grow unless you know where you came from. As much as I wanted to jump right back to where I was before, I knew that my memory would come in pieces in whatever way they wanted to.

And after seeing what I had the potential to be, it inspired me to keep fighting.

I scrolled through my pictures all the way back to February and looked at the version of me that was still strung out, still carrying Isaac...it made me sad to see myself looking like that but now that I could see that in just six months, I'd become sexually independent, happily divorced twice over and so fucking healthy. It felt like I was getting a preview of what life could be.

Like I was in Christmas Carol.

I got so deep in the rabbit hole that when Isaac began to wake up, I rubbed his back and he went still again.

 _"How the heck did you do that?"_ Quinn said her voice all gravely. _"Usually that whimper he did usually leads to a level 3 cry."_

 _"Magic."_ I said and she looked up at me as I sat against the headboard with wide eyes and a smile.

_"You know what I realized when you weren't around anymore?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"That our relationship is both symbiotic and parasitic."_

My eyebrow was up.

_"Yeah?"_

_"We work well together, on paper we are made for each other. Yin and Yang. I realized that we need each other to survive. I hated existing in a world where there was no you. I missed you so much and I will do everything that I can to help you get to a better place."_

_"S-sap."_

* * *

After my hours long exploration, I started to get tired and this time when there was a whimper, it was followed almost immediately by the crying but when Quinn reached for him, Isaac wasn't having it, he finally had his Mami back and wasn't letting me go.

 _"No!"_ He screamed and Quinn sighed.

_"Well, S, I guess today is the day you change his diaper."_

_"B-Bring it on."_

I wiped Isaac's face and then, slowly tried singing to him.

 _"Baby baby...baby baby."_ I sang to him and he stopped crying and just stared at me. It was so simple, just the same word over and over again. He shuddered and then slowly he smiled at me as he cuddled closer.

 _"Ki Ki."_ He said and I bent towards him but I couldn't quite reach. Determined, he crawled up my body until we were face to face, his legs straddling my baby bump. His little fists grabbed my face and he dropped wet kisses on my lips.

Then another memory.

Seeing Isaac sick in the hospital, his eyes sparkling at me and his gummy grin when I sang down to him. Then another memory, standing with Ian over Isaac's little crib...and then another memory...and another.

Everything Isaac was coming at me fast. Not being allowed to be alone with him for months. The way I felt responsible for his every single time being sick. His cries when he couldn't breathe. The way that my voice seemed to soothe him. Our connection.

My son.

My Papa.

I wrapped him in my arms and rocked him as I kept singing the same words again, _"Baby baby...baby baby."_ Then he was humming against my shoulder and gripping my hair tightly in his little fist.

Quinn found us like that, all wrapped up and she was quick to take a picture.

 _"I-I..."_ I started crying and then just kept kissing my son's face.

 _"Your memories of him are back?_ " She asked with the biggest smile and tears in her eyes.

_"Y-yes."_

_"Nothing can top that. That's amazing."_

_"S-sugar d-does a good E-lmo."_

_"E-mo!"_ Isaac said, suddenly alert.

Quinn waved a diaper in front of him with Elmo on the front.

 _"First diaper then, eat, then Elmo."_ She said, strictly and I rolled my eyes because there's no way a kid his age knew how to follow directions but then he nodded and reached for his diaper.

This time when Q reached for him, he went with her but he never took his eyes off of me, like he was terrified that I'd evaporate or something.

He'd missed me.

No doubt he'd been looking for me for months and now here I was, singing to him without a broken word.

God was doing a mighty work in me...I could feel it.

* * *

I was eating breakfast and reading my journal when I heard the song that reminded me so much of Brittany, Christmas Wrapping, I mean it was her voice after all...only I heard it for a brief second and then it switched off.

 _"The hell?"_ I said, as I pushed to my feet and grabbed for my cane.

The kitchen door pushed open and Quinn was pointing back to the bench.

_"Sit down."_

_"But...the s-song."_

_"You asked for Christmas overload and that is what's happening. They are trying to be sneaky but your family is like a bull in a china shop. There's no fucking way they can pull it off. So eat your food and ignore what you just heard. Also, I told you nothing."_

_"B-better be good."_

_"I invited Ari."_ She said and felt my face flush.

_"Y-yeah?"_

_"Aww you have a crush. Twitter update!"_ She said and I rolled my eyes.

She skillfully distracted me and then I slid the journal to her, I'd already gotten through February and was now onto late March...my wedding.

I watched her expression shift as she read what I had written...then had gone back to make notes on.

My excitement about my wedding date, even though I knew that my divorce wasn't final with Marco, was unmatched. I talked about the house I bought and how I was trying to convince Q to move in. Then I had gone back and written angrily how Britt had fucked Frankie when I was out buying a house.

Q closed the journal and then reached for my hand.

_"She did a lot of wrong, her affair with Frankie is something though, that you took care of and once you did, it changed everything...at least for a while."_

_"C-cryptic."_ I said.

_"You fucked her...with Britt on videochat...you topped Frankie and she vowed to respect your relationship after that. B has gone chasing after her since but Frankie is married now and so happy. I think by the time shit went down, you were actually friends with her."_

_"I-I wondered that af-ter I saw her t-texts."_

_"Look, it's a marathon, not a sprint. I know you know that. Just take your time. After today you have two days with Isaac and then three and a half days to read these journals and investigate. Manage your time wisely, my love."_

_"You're right."_

_"I know, so how do you feel about coming with me to pick up Ari?"_

_"Now?"_

_"Yup, the fam is here, so let's escape for a bit."_

_"C-can we g-get doughnuts?"_

_"Of course we can and Grey's Papaya if you want."_

_"D-do I l-like that?"_

_"You freaking love those hot dogs, so yeah. You do."_

* * *

When I was finally in the car, I was in a mood. I know it's a marathon and not a sprint but man, was I just fucking tired of feeling bruised up and unlike myself.

 _"I-I wanna p-play."_ I said to Q and she looked over at me before starting the car. I was tapping on my thighs with my fingers. My current memories told me it'd been years since I'd played but my research has told me that I played the piano for the glee club and from what Q has said, at Ian's funeral...and from Celia at her gallery. My fingers had been reawakened and right then, it's all I wanted to do.

Quinn smiled and then put up her finger for me to wait, before sprinting back inside and then in like a minute she came back dangling keys.

_"Celia gave me to keys to the gallery, do you want to play first and then pick up Ari?"_

_"Food. Ari. Play."_ I said. Three words, not a stutter.

Progress.

When I smelled the hot dogs, the baby decided to put on a show of gratitude by kicking and punching me. I rubbed the sides of my belly.

 _Calmate, bebe._ I thought and she slowed.

Relaxed.

Could she hear me?

Q had called ahead to Ari and asked if she wanted anything, then hopped out of the car and got in line for us. Once she was back, she floored it as much as possible in the gridlock until we were parked outside Ari's dorm.

She came out, her curls bouncing as she walked. She was crazy adorable and I regretted that I lost so many years with her.

We sat in the car, pigging out and then, Q turned towards the backseat.

_"Our girl here wants to play for us, ready for a detour to Brooklyn?"_

Ari got excited and strapped herself in.

_"Heck yes. Let's get a move on."_

I laughed and then we were on our way.

Being with them in that moment, feeling like my words weren't necessary because they could read me like a book, I felt some of that freedom and happiness that I envied from future Santana.

I could see why control freak Brittany felt threatened by this version of me. She had always needed to be needed and I had shown that I didn't NEED her, it must have made her nuts.

From everything I could tell though, her lack of taking care of her own needs spilled over on her trying to control mine and if I had known early on, before that night I'd asked her to move in...I know that I would have encouraged her to go to therapy, shit, I would have gone with her but I didn't.

And that is what frustrates me the most. She never let me in, not the way I had let her in.

That was going to have to change, even now, we shared a son and we needed to be transparent about things.

I wanted to trust her with him but if she kept lying, that was going to be impossible.

My mind was whirling as we made our way to Brooklyn.

As we pulled off the bridge, I thought of all the jobs I'd done in this part of New York, my first real drug binge happened in Brooklyn. My first overdose, started in Brooklyn and I had saved Carmen's life in Brooklyn.

It meant something to me...good and bad, it was knitted into the fabric of who I was, that was probably also an issue. I couldn't imagine the difficulty of loving a person who had given themselves to so many others, day in and day out...for weeks. We'd gotten married when she had feelings for someone else and I should have let her explore those feelings.

 _"Hey...you need to breathe."_ Ari said as she rubbed my arm. I grabbed her hand and pulled it to my lips.

_"I-I'm ok."_

_"You weren't but that will be fixed soon enough."_

* * *

The piano was a thing of beauty, it was artfully crafted and my fingers itched to play.

I looked back at Q but she just gestured towards it... _"Go for it."_

My cane tapped loudly on the marble floors as I made my way over...then I saw the coolest thing, the keys were colored in a rainbow. I forget just how gay my sister is. God.

I laughed to myself and then sat on the bench. Q took my cane and then lifted the cover for me.

As I stretched my fingers, willing my left hand to cooperate, I watched as Ari toed off her shoes and got into first position. That is literally all I remember from ballet class before I was asked to leave if I couldn't take it seriously, the positions. I had also been with Britt for a long time and if I hadn't known the positions by now, it would be a great blind spot.

Obviously, I had a thing for dancers.

What surprised me was Quinn toeing off her own shoes.

 _"Really?"_ I said and she winked at me.

 _"Lucy loved to dance...Quinn was a tightwad. I'm working on coming out of my shell."_ She said and I nodded, impressed that she had found some outlet that didn't involve falling into random dudes laps or cheating.

They stood just in front of the piano and then I brought my fingers down, starting slow...just a lullaby and I watched them spin like they were in a music box.

I lifted my fingers and stretched out the cramps before going faster. I went wild, feeling the strength return to me.

Celia was right, music therapy could work for me.

And then, the words bubbled.

I began to sing...just a few words.

Baby...love...break...safe

It didn't take long for Ari to start correcting Q's steps and like the true head Cheerio, she studied and applied what she learned. I watched as she followed along...and then, I watched Ari.

Graceful, calm, and at ease.

I had shoved my love for her so deep down after Abuela got a whiff of my feelings for her after my Confirmation and told her parents. When she we forbidden from seeing me by both our parents, things got hard.

Marco became her replacement...it hurt extra because he was her blood.

And then I stopped playing and she stumbled, startled by my abrupt end.

 _"Que te pasa?"_ She asked.

 _"M-Marco."_ I said and she looked over at Q and then at me.

_"What about him?"_

_"Y-you t-talk to h-him?"_

_"Not since he gave me his bone marrow, no...why would I? He's the black sheep of the family and I'm the golden child."_

Quinn looked confused.

_"Wait, you're related to Marco Vega?"_

Ari rolled her eyes.

 _"We're cousins. Our mothers were sisters. He lost his mind when his mother died with her arms wrapped around him. After he stole from my mother last year, he got cut off. Also, I hate him because he got the girl."_ She winked at me and I could feel the heat in my cheeks.

How quickly was I able to walk away from B?

Maybe I'm a whore.

Then more memories.

Britt calling me a whore. Britt asking if there was anyone in New York I hadn't fucked. Britt making me feel like shit when she was the one sleeping around.

The anger surged in me and then I was pushing off the bench, grabbing my cane and walking straight to Ari.

 _"I d-don't w-want to waste t-time."_ I said to her and she looked confused.

 _"Wh-"_ She began but I pressed my lips against hers and dropped my cane as I buried my fingers in her hair. She wrapped her arms around me, holding me steady as she kissed me back.

 _"Well shit."_ Q said. _"I'll just...yeah."_

* * *

We kissed until our lips were sore and then I pulled back and placed her hands on my belly.

 _"M-Marco's."_ I said and she looked at me wide eyed.

_"No?"_

_"Yea."_

_"That's kind of a big deal. I'm the first girl in the family in a generation, I'm talking 16 male cousins and those with kids all have boys and then there's me...she's the only other girl. Shit."_

I smirked.

_"Cool."_

_"Definitely. Look, I won't push you, there's big stuff coming for you but I'm in this with you. However you want it."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Yes, 100%, yes."_

_"That's insanely adorable."_ Q said, clapping her hands. I looked over and there she sat the piano watching us with dreamy eyes. _"If I could just remind you both, tread lightly...take your time and maybe, keep it under wraps for a bit."_

Ari looked at me for confirmation.

 _"I agree."_ I said.

_"Okay, that's what we'll do. We will take it easy until we are all ready."_

Quinn was my ride or die.

She sat there and didn't complain even a little when I made my move on the girl of my 12 year old dreams just a few days out of the hospital and when we both climbed in the backseat and made out the whole way home, Q just turned up the music and sang along like nothing was happening.

Ari kept running her hand over my belly and kissing me harder when the baby kicked and I groaned.

Something about her accepting me as I was and meeting me where I was at, turned me on but I wasn't ready.

Not yet.

* * *

By the time we got home, we were all in our own mini-states of bliss. I wish it lasted longer, God I wish it did but as we pulled up towards the house, I felt the shift.

 _"What the fuck is she doing here?"_ Q muttered.

I looked towards the house and saw nothing but then I looked across the street and there she stood, a coffee mug in her hands and tears in her eyes.

 _"B."_ I whispered and not because I was wistful but because my throat felt tight.

Ari clutched my hand and turned my face towards her. _"Your windows back here are tinted, she can't see you. Just look in my eyes and breathe."_

I felt the cold air of the window being put down as I stared into Ari's eyes and then Q was yelling out the front passenger window.

_"Go home, B. The whole family is in there and if Gladys sees you, it will be more than 100 feet!"_

_"I just want to see her! To talk to her."_

_"No!"_

And then her voice was getting closer and there were horns sounding behind us.

Quinn peeled off down the street and I was crying against Ari's shoulder.

My body knew the fear but I still couldn't fully remember that day.

Right then, I didn't want to. All I wanted was to go inside and enjoy the few days I had with my son.

Q came back around the block and this time I was watching for her but she was gone as we made our way towards the driveway, the iron gates slid open and then closed behind my car.

Once we were in the garage, she turned around in her seat, her face pink and fire in her eyes.

_"You okay?"_

_"N-need a m-inute."_ I wiped at my face and then leaned against Ari. She kept her arm around me and then mumbled something to Quinn. I heard the jingle of keys and then Ari was helping me out of the backseat and handing me my cane.

We walked out of the iron gate and nearly collided with my ex-wife.

 _"Ana!"_ She said and I held tight to my cane, I took a step back and steadied myself against Ari at my back. We stood there for a brief moment staring at each other. I didn't cower despite it all, I let her fucking look at me. Then Quinn stepped between us and Ari stepped next to me, putting her arm around my waist and allowing me to put some of my weight on her.

Q was shorter than B but she stood tall, HBIC Quinn was present and accounted for and Britt responded by taking a step back but she was still watching me.

 _"Britt, you need to go!"_ Q growled.

 _"P-please, g-go."_ I said to Britt, her response to my stuttering voice made the little bit of cheer in her face vanish. She looked at me and then at the cane and the way that I was gripping onto Ari for dear life, she nodded.

_"I'm so sorry, baby. Please forgive me...I'll do anything."_

_"G-get h-help."_ I stuttered out and then Q was pushing her back.

_"Yes, I need to do that. I'm so sorry. I'll get help, I swear."_

_"G-good. Go home, B. P-please."_

She was walking backwards and nodding her head.

_"Come on, I'll walk you home."_

Me and Ari stood watching as Quinn pulled Britt down the sidewalk towards the corner.

 _"You okay?"_ Ari whispered against my face as she peppered my cheek with kisses.

_"Y-yeah."_

* * *

With Ari at my side, we walked in the opposite direction of Q and B, towards this gorgeous cathedral. She helped me climb the stairs and then like the good Catholic girls we were, we dipped our fingers before making our way into the sanctuary.

Ari let me go into the pew first and then followed right behind me.

We knelt on the felt padded benches and I stared forward at the giant crucifix.

 _"I c-can do all t-things."_ I muttered.

 _"Through Christ who strengthens me. Amen. Here, Quinn asked me to give this to you."_ She handed me this beautiful green and silver rosary. _"She said that Ian left it to you and from the day you got it, you didn't take it off."_

I took the rosary and let the beads slide through my fingers, they were smooth emerald.

 _"T-thanks."_ I said and watched as she pulled out an old onyx one that I gave her ages ago. _"Y-you s-still?"_

_"When I got it for my quince, months after seeing you at yours, just sitting on my doorstep from S...I knew it was from you and I've never stopped wearing it."_

She leaned towards me and kissed my temple. _"Now, let us pray."_ She said, sounding like our old priest.

I chuckled and then knelt there with her, praying the rosary for a long time.

My heart was so conflicted and I was grateful for the time of reflection that being a blank slate had forced on me.

When I felt the ache in my knees and the calmness settling, I pushed off the bench and stood up, stretching my arms and back as much as I could. Ari followed suit, a smirk on her lips as she glanced towards the back of the sanctuary. There Q sat, her head bowed in prayer.

_"I was worried when we had to stop being friends, that you wouldn't find someone who would love you like me but man did you find her. Quinn is your rock, Anita. I hope you are the same for her."_

I thought of how distant I was when she was pregnant and cruel even, just after...there was no way that I gave her what she needed.

_"No."_

_"I think you will though, there will come a time for her when she is broken and needs you, I expect you'll do what needs to be done. You may not show up when expected but you do eventually show up."_

And I did. I'd held her hand when she gave up Beth and I'd held her afterwards for hours. Then I helped her get back in shape for Cheerios, never expecting her to steal the captaincy from me.

_"I will."_

_"Good. The party is probably in full swing, let's head back."_

* * *

Britt had gotten lucky.

My house was packed with family, when I came through the front door (because my therapist would love that) I was stopped short with the beauty of it all. It was a Christmas wonderland filled with my family, even Brenda and Damariz were here and so were Brenda's kids. There was music bumping and everything smelled like cinnamon and arroz con pollo.

 _"There she is!"_ Sandra called and then everyone was up and kissing me, hugging, ushering me to the couch so I could sit. Isaac was holding hands with one of my older nephews who was slowly leading him to me.

It was all too much and all just enough.

This was the welcome that I needed.

Quinn kissed my shoulder and then mumbled, _"I'm gonna run upstairs and change really quick."_ But then I saw Celia right behind her and I knew just what they planned on doing now that I was distracted.

Ari still held my hand so when I was hugged, so was she.

Then my mother saw her and instead of having the stank face she had lately, she pulled her into a hug and rocked with her a little.

Like Q, I wanted to sneak away too and this baby was the perfect excuse. Isaac got distracted by my sister, so that gave me the chance to slip away. I kissed Mami's cheek and then grabbed Ari's hand.

 _"G-gotta freshen up."_ I said and then pulled Ari along. Mami cocked her eyebrow but didn't offer up a comment.

Once we were behind the closed door, I locked it and then pressed my lips to hers.

She kissed back softly and then pulled away, cradling my face.

_"Slow...all of that was a lot and you really should freshen up and maybe wear something more comfortable."_

I left my cane pressed against the wall and the slowly pulled off my shirt, her cheeks got all rosy and she leaned in and pressed a kiss to my belly...then my lips before taking a step back and sitting on the edge of the bed.

 _"Help me."_ I said holding a hand out and she glanced at the cane. _"I d-don't need it for short dis...tances."_

She took my hand and we went into the bathroom together.

I stopped short as I was slammed with another memory.

Me and Britt showering in here...her fucking me after I had broken up with her. Her humming that Lollipop song. Then another memory of her fucking me on the kitchen table, calling me Lolli while she tried to get me to call her Daddy but I refused because she didn't deserve it.

Tears were in my eyes and if Ari noticed my That's so Raven moment, she didn't say anything. She helped me sit on the toilet and then turned away while I did my business. I leaned into her while I wiped and then, she helped me up to wash my hands.

She stood watching while I washed off and then reapplied my makeup, this time a waterproof mascara and some lip gloss. Nothing heavy. Then I picked up the brush and handed it to her.

I watched her eyes light up as she brushed through my hair like I was a doll baby.

Ari had been fighting leukemia since she was 4. She'd been in remission a few times and had always kept her hair shorter, because she said it was easier to lose hair if you barely had any. Ever since we were younger, she'd always get excited to brush my hair...that apparently hadn't changed.

* * *

Once I was changed into a more festive looking outfit, really I was just wearing a Santa hat and red pajama pants, Ari pressed me against the door and made out with me.

There was no fight for dominance, just her sweet kisses and touches.

Being with her like this was like a dream and I wanted so badly to give into the feeling of it but there was just Britt...hanging over me. How had I gotten to that place with Sugar, where I was blatantly screwing her with no regret?

And then I remembered Britt's words from ages ago. It's better with feelings.

From everything Q has told me and the brief glances forward in my journal, it was just emotionless, casual sex with Sugar...but Ari was always my 'what if' and I loved her. I'd been in love with her since I was a kid and none of that had changed.

She pulled back from the kiss and looked in my eyes.

_"Stop thinking so much, I know you love her and even though it scares me that_ _someday_ _you'll go back to her...know that I will still be here. No pressure. I have just one ask...please?"_

_"Ask."_

_"Don't go back to her until you are completely sure you and the kids are safe."_

I felt bowled over by her words but I respected that ask.

_"Yes. Ok."_

_"Good and don't worry about me. I'm good with going with the flow. You once told me that we are the type of soulmates that always meet, in every lifetime. You also told me that this one isn't ours...and I agree with you. This time right now, God has put me here to give relief to Q and to keep you strong. I know my place and when it's time for me, to let you go, I want to make sure that I'm leaving you in good hands."_

_"Ari...T-te amo."_

_"I know, te quiero tanto carino. Even if your mom just gave me her blessing, anyone but Britt, I think...I know better and so does she."_ Ari kissed my face and then wiped away my tears with her thumbs. _"Let's just keep enjoying this bit of time together, let me remind you what love feels like."_

She winked at me and I groaned.

 _"No t-time."_ I whispered before kissing her lips.

_"Oh no, right now is a terrible time but when you're ready. I'm here."_

_"YOU TWO DOING IT?"_ Celia yelled from the otherside of the door and Ari laughed.

_"I guess times up."_

* * *

By the time I closed the door behind the last person that night, I felt like I needed to sit in a quiet room for at least two days.

Quinn and Celia were cuddled up on the couch with Isaac, watching Elmo and Ari was actually knitting like a little old lady.

Isaac opened his arms for me, _"Ki Ki, Ma!"_

Quinn waited for me to sit next to Ari before putting Isaac in my arms. His kisses soaked my cheek but I wouldn't trade them for anything. After my kisses, he rested his head against my shoulder and started humming my song to him.

So I sang it.

 _"Baby baby...baby baby."_ I rubbed his back and he yawned, gripping my hair in his fist as he closed his eyes.

I held him while the movie finished and then Q helped me change his diaper before she and Celia stole him for the night.

 _"You two enjoy each other."_ Was all she said before leaving me and Ari alone.

 _"Does she think we are going to fuck?"_ Ari asked, still knitting and not looking at me.

_"Yes."_

_"Are we?"_ She asked, still knitting.

 _"N-no."_ I said back to her.

_"Good because, I want to be able to have my way with you when there aren't people in this house."_

_"I c-can be q-quiet."_

More memories...Marco wanting me to show him how I can be quiet...that was an old one but then Britt banging me hard, jealousy in her eyes. Telling me to scream but then in other moments demanding for me to be quiet. The bruises she left me. Ian just outside the door. Crying while she forced herself on me without her medicine in her system. The pain.

Tears welled up in my eyes and Ari nodded.

_"I also, would really like it if you had your memory back when we go there...I don't want to trigger something like I obviously have done at least twice today. I want you wholly and completely. I don't want you to have any regrets...and I don't want to have any either. Is that okay?"_

_"Yeah. M-me too."_ I wiped at my eyes and let out a sigh. _"Cuddle w-with me?"_

 _"I thought you'd never ask."_ She stabbed her needles into her yarn ball and then held her hand out to me.

* * *

I stood idly by while she pulled back the covers and then she took it upon herself to find pajamas in my drawer, before heading in the bathroom.

_"Sit and relax, I'll be out in a bit."_

I'd like to say that I was sitting there ready for her or that we had a crazy makeout but I'm super pregnant and it's been just an emotional few days. I was absolutely ready to pass out but I didn't want to miss a thing.

When Ari came out of the bathroom, dressed in a sports bra and a pair of my booty shorts, her muscular legs still damp as she rubbed lotion into her skin...I was ON.

 _"P-please?"_ I asked her and she frowned.

_"What do you need?"_

_"To be w-wanted."_

She leaned into me after turning off the lights and pulling the covers up, our lips pressing together like two puzzle pieces. Ari didn't seem to have time for any more long explanations on our future. She'd nearly died several times, she knew how precious each moment was and she wasn't going to waste this one.

Her fingers ran over my face and down across my neck and shoulders. She didn't linger too long in one place but her lips followed, kissing my face, down my neck and shoulders.

And she kept moving, kept kissing me until she was laying between my legs, her lips pressed against the movement in my belly.

 _Don't be a cockblock, little girl,_ I thought.

Then I chuckled as Ari arched her eyebrow.

 _"Any bad memories?"_ She asked this as her fingers danced over my thighs.

 _"No."_ I said and then spread my legs wider.

_"Any restrictions?"_

_"No."_

_"Do you want me to stop?"_

_"No."_

That was all the permission she needed as she pulled my panties off and began to slowly work me up.

I wished I could see her over my stomach but I couldn't, so I just had to lay there, holding onto her hair as she kissed and sucked me between those luscious fucking lips.

My moans came out back to back and I was grateful that there was a bit of space between this room and the people upstairs because I felt like my moans were uncontrollable.

She was working me over so good that I was sure this was going to be the death of me.

And then...like a cliche, as I came...I passed out.

* * *

When I woke up, my panties were back on and I was being cradled in Ari's arms.

It had to be late but I was wide awake now and then I heard the creaking of the floorboards which is what must have woke me.

And then I saw Quinn's hair wild from sleep as she held onto my son who was trying to see in the dark.

 _"He only wants you."_ She whispered.

I patted the bed, grateful that the pregnancy pillow and the side rail were on this side of the bed. _"Ok."_

She laid him down and he began to whine.

 _"Shh, Papa."_ He immediately calmed and rolled against my belly, I rubbed at his back and hummed to him.

Quinn winked at me and then handed me his bottle. I took it and then watched as she walked away, leaving us without even looking back.

 _"Ki ki?"_ He said and I leaned down, smothering his face with kisses as he laughed.

 _"Eat?"_ I asked and he held out his hands. I gave him his bottle and then he curled against me, sucking down his milk.

 _"You're beautiful like this. Being a mom was what you were made to be."_ Ari whispered against my shoulder. _"Was that, okay...earlier?"_

 _"Perfect."_ I said and then I brushed my son's hair with my fingers. _"J-just what I n-needed."_

 _"Shhh."_ Isaac said and then tossed his bottle down and closed his eyes. Then I saw it, his thumb between his lips. I pulled it out and he looked at me with the Lopez glare.

 _"Yucky."_ I said to him and he gave me the pout, I gave it right back and the defiant little guy did it anyway. Britt would tell me to pick my battles but I knew that the moment Isaac fell asleep, I'd be yanking his thumb out and I would keep doing it until he stopped.

_"Didn't you suck your thumb until you were eight?"_

_"N-not the point."_

_"Let him have it, he lost his mom for a time, he needed the comfort."_

_"Shhh."_ I said to her and she chuckled, reaching her hand around my waist easily and resting her hand on Isaac's little foot.

We fell asleep all tangled together, feeling a little like a family and in a perfect world, maybe this would be just that but there was an expiration date on all of this.

And I'm glad that we were on the same page about it.

I just wanted to live life as it was, my memories were coming faster than anyone thought even if, to be honest, I was enjoying some of the ignorance.

Something about not knowing was peaceful.

Being with Ari was easy and safe, right now, she was exactly what I needed.

Let what will come, come.

In the meantime, I was going to enjoy this and try not to worry about me and Britt.

For now, I just had to let it be.

* * *

Q and Ari had to leave early the next morning for their last week of classes before the winter break. I could tell that Ari didn't want to go but I was glad that she had something of her own to go off to. She kissed my face and then promised to see me on Wednesday for my big haircut.

I watched them leave and then it was just me, Celia and Isaac.

Thankfully, I had gotten dressed with Ari's help so there was no extra leaning on my sister.

_"So, sis...up for a trip to Brooklyn?"_

I turned to her and then shook my head. There was a lot to say to her but I knew I couldn't say it all. So I grabbed my tablet from the table and wrote it out and sent it to her phone.

_**Actually, I want to go to Sandra's. Q is really close to a breakdown, I can see it. So I need you to stay here and take care of her, pamper her. Make sure she sleeps and eats. I'll come back tomorrow night. Is that okay?-Santana** _

She looked at me and smiled.

_"Yeah, I'll take you. Do you want me to pack up Isaac while you grab some clothes."_

I nodded and then headed into the bedroom, Isaac was sprawled in the center of the bed, surrounded by pillows. His thumb was back between his lips and I yanked it out, he whined in this sleep but didn't put it back.

Celia helped me pack an overnight bag and then we packed up Isaac, my journal and were on our way.

We were on the road for about ten minutes when Celia couldn't hold back anymore.

_"She told me about Brittany showing up yesterday and how strong you were."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yeah and she also told me what happened when she left with Brittany. I think what you're seeing in her is her trying to be everything for everyone. Yesterday was a lot."_

_"And?"_ I said, trying to control my stutter by just using one word responses.

_"Something happened and I want you to know that it's not your fault."_

I was staring at my sister's pale face as she drove. Did this have something to do with Quinn praying in the back of the church or her rushing upstairs to change yesterday?

_"T-talk."_

_"Apparently, Britt's been...wait let me back up, you've told Britt about Ari before, how she was your first love and all that."_

_"Of c-course."_

_"So they left you two yesterday and began walking back to her place. Britt asked who that was with you and Q was honest, not thinking anything of it but then she went up to Britt's apartment with her and was grabbing one of Isaac's favorite bathtub toys. She saw a bloody razor on the counter and confronted Britt about it...well, when she went to do that Britt was in a daze as she carved into her side."_

_"W-why?"_

_"She broke down and told Q that, she's been doing it as a penance. Everytime she hurts or thinks of getting angry, she does it. Yesterday though after seeing you, hearing your voice and seeing Ari comforting you...she overdid it a bit. Quinn cleaned her up and held her. She didn't want to leave her alone but Britt insisted that she was okay and Q made her clean out every single razor and knife before she would leave. She's really shaken up about it."_

_"Did she c-call, Susan?"_

_"Yes. As soon as you guys got to the house yesterday, she called Susan. I paid for her to fly here and Q is going to pick her up from the airport, so um...looks like you'll have Isaac for a while longer. It's best for everyone. Britt already agreed. She was going to leave him with you while she goes on her work trip to LA next week anyway, so now you'll have him until Christmas."_

_"I...I w-want to t-talk to her."_ I said but Celia shook her head.

_"No. There is nothing you can do at this point. You have to let this be, I didn't tell you so you'd feel sorry for her. I told you because you need transparency from everyone. It's important. We can't expect you to be open with us all the time and not give you the same thing in return. Q is taking everything with you and Britt really hard...you coming up to Westchester for a few days while Q is there for Britt...will be good."_

_"You will be there for Q?"_

_"I promise you. I won't let her overstretch herself. She needs someone to make her eat, sleep, and have fun if you catch my drift."_

_"Eww."_ I said when she winked at me.

_"Hey, you weren't so quiet last night, moaning like you were a cat in heat. Yeah, we heard you."_

I could feel the heat in my cheeks. _"Oh."_

_"The fact that you haven't been out of the hospital a week and you're getting some means you have way more game than I thought you would, being a princess and all."_

The tension eased, she had dropped a bomb on me but assured me that all I needed to do was worry about myself and my son.

I'd pray for Britt because that's all I could do.

We were healing, all of us and I needed to take care of me while I asked her to get help...and take care of herself.

It hurt me that she was hurting but it didn't hurt me enough, to just forget what she had done to me.

Not yet.

* * *

I grabbed a pen from the glove box and turned to the first blank page in my most recent journal, the last entry had been the morning that I flew home right before everything.

My hand was still weak so it wasn't a long entry but I needed to write.

So while Celia took us to my sister's, I wrote out everything I was feeling. I wrote some lyrics out for a song and then I let the tears come. I was biting into my palm as I let all the emotions flow and Celia just turned up the music and let me have my moment.

I was so grateful that she was letting me be, letting me cry it out.

Everything was heavy and difficult but I was ready to work through it.

My pride wasn't important in any of this.

I was going to have to depend on people and trust them with my recovery. I had to trust also, that Quinn was going to be there for Britt in all the ways that I couldn't be but I was worried about her too, so I was thankful that my sister was going to be there for Q when I couldn't.

God it was exhausting but I knew that I could handle it.

I couldn't regret what I couldn't control.

And then I wrote out the serenity prayer.

By the time we pulled down Sandra's driveway, my tears had dried and I was singing along to the music on the radio as best as I could.

 _"T-thanks for b-being real with me."_ I said to her as we parked. _"And a...llowing me to just p-process."_

_"You have to feel it all, sis if you want to get back to you. I'm here to ignore your overwhelming emotions or give you distractions like that piano. Maybe the rest of them want to control how you heal, I just want to be here for you. Okay or not."_

As she spoke to me, more tears came as I thought of another conversation.

Another memory slammed into me, Sandra sitting in this same driveway, in a car committing to being the best big sister that she could. I had no idea what had brought it on but it was great to remember it as I prepared to spend time with her.

God is so good to me, even when it seems like all hope is lost.


	22. Chapter 22: Only a Fool (Galantis, Ship Wrek Pink Sweat$)

We were walking towards the house, Celia carrying Isaac in her arms while I used my cane to steady myself because I really wanted to be able to walk on my own, so I passed up on help walking.

Before we got to the door though, it swung open and Sandra was yelling.

I don't think I'd ever heard her this upset.

She had her finger pressed against Johnny's chest and looked like she'd been crying.

_"I don't care where you go but you can't fucking stay here."_

_"Baby, please. I'm sorry!"_

_"No. No cabe duda, Johnathan! You don't think I know that you are only sorry that I found out about this? Did you expect that I wouldn't? People talk!"_

Celia cleared her throat and they both looked at us, Sandra tried to smile but it fell flat when Johnny gave us a pained look before carrying his suitcase and heading towards the garage without a word.

_"Sis, what's going on?"_

_"He got a girl pregnant! He's fucking 30 and she's only 18 years old, that fucking pendejo has another baby on the way with a fucking child. I want to call her a whore, but he is the one to blame, she's young and impressionable still. He should have known better. She's due same time as me and everything."_

My sister was in a daze as we stood there watching Johnny's sports car speed down the driveway.

 _"That asshole."_ Celia put her arm around Sandra and led the way back into the house. I was speechless as I followed them, not sure what to say but feeling a little relieved that for once the attention wasn't on me.

I tried not to take the child comment to heart, after all I was only 19 and here I was, about to pop out my second kid. Did she look at me that way too?

Young and impressionable.

But then I thought of Marco and all the things he had gotten me to do last summer, at any time I could have gone to Papi or the cops or even Padrino but I stuck it out and now look at me.

Mami sat in the kitchen, halfway reading a book and halfway glancing over at little Johnny who was eating his breakfast. I remembered a time that she had done this same thing with Isaac as he rested in a bouncer on the island back at home.

It warmed my heart that I could remember such a sweet moment.

* * *

 _"What are you doing here?"_ Mami asked.

 _"B-ben...dicion, Mami."_ I said and then leaned down and kissed her face. I felt exhausted and just wanted to go find a comfortable place and nap, but I should have known better.

_"Sit down, I'll serve you."_

_"N-not h-hungry."_

_"Not this again, Santana. I doubt you've eaten this morning."_

I shrugged, not wanting to argue or lie. She was right, I hadn't eaten yet but not being hungry was a real thing. The baby wasn't as active yet and I didn't feel anything but exhaustion.

My phone chimed and after sitting down, I looked down at it.

**_Hey, finished my final. Aced it!-Ari_ **

**_Yay! If I had my pom-poms, I'd be shaking them for you!-Ana_ **

**_Wanky-Ari_ **

**_That's my line!-Ana_ **

**_It was mine first. Fight me.-Ari_ **

**_Miss you.-Ana_ **

**_Have a hall meeting tonight. Not free until Wed :(-Ari_ **

**_Will you come back then?-Ana_ **

**_If you want me too-Ari_ **

**_I want. ;)-Ana_ **

* * *

Mami knows best because the moment that I had swallowed my first bit of food, the baby gave a huge stretch and proceeded to punch the crap out of me. My stomach growled obnoxiously and Mami laughed, then so did little Johnny.

 _"Did he hear us at all?"_ Sandra asked Mami, as she came into the room, her face red. Celia trailed behind her, texting away on her phone.

Then my phone chimed.

I glanced at it while Mami and Sandra talked.

**_Should have stayed home-Ceily_ **

**_Yeah-Ana_ **

**_Any appointments you forgot?-Ceily_ **

And then I remembered.

Shit, yes, I had therapy today.

**_Actually, I do. PT and Speech at noon!-Ana_ **

**_PERFECT!-Ceily_ **

_"Are you two texting each other?"_ Mami asked as she slid into the seat next to me.

I looked at her and shrugged before tucking back into my bowl, I was hungry after all.

_"Yes, we were, Gladys. Santana was reminding me that she has to get back home by 12 since she has therapy today."_

_"Oh, well, that makes sense."_

_"Hey, Ana?"_ Sandra said, looking at me nervously.

_"Yes?"_

_"Can I keep Isaac tonight, with Johnny gone Tito could use the distraction of his cousin, please?"_

I hated being away from my son, but I could tell that my sister needed this and as much as she had been there for me, I couldn't deny her.

 _"Okay."_ She smiled and then leaned in kissing my cheek with a loud smack before reaching down and rubbing my belly.

_"I'll bring him back tomorrow afternoon."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

An hour later, with extra food packed up in the backseat instead of my son, we headed back home.

My head was starting to hurt, and I kept getting sharp pains in my groin. Ari hadn't been rough or even pressed inside me, so I wasn't sure I could put this pain on her...it seemed to be the baby and that made me nervous.

I just had this gut feeling that something wasn't right.

So, I texted Dr. Ramirez hoping she was still in town.

**_Did you fly home yet?-Santana_ **

**_..._ **

**_..._ **

**_..._ **

**_No, I'm hanging around and enjoying my first real trip to NYC, what's up?-Doc R_ **

**_She's not as active and I keep having pain down there.-Santana_ **

**_Any spotting or cramping-Doc R_ **

**_Not that I know of. I just have a feeling something isn't right.-Santana_ **

**_..._ **

**_..._ **

**_..._ **

**_..._ **

**_Out with Cabot, she says to meet her at her office in an hour. Does that work for you?-Doc R_ **

**_Sorry I ruined your date :(-Santana_ **

**_Not a date. See you in an hour!-Doc R_ **

**_;)-Doc R_ **

**_B?-Ana_ **

**_..._ **

**_..._ **

**_Hi?-Britt_ **

**_I know things are bad, but I need you.-Ana_ **

**_Can't violate probation-Britt_ **

**_Please? You owe me.-Ana_ **

**_..._ **

**_..._ **

**_When and where?-Britt_ **

**_Dr. Cabot's office. 1 hour.-Ana_ **

**_Is the baby okay?-Britt_ **

I felt my heart swell at the thought that she really did care.

We were by no means good, but this was a good sign...right?

She was my best friend, and no one knew her better than me.

I needed to give her a glimpse of what she stood to lose, and I just needed her to hold my hand.

My craving right in that moment was her and while I was nowhere close to forgiveness, I just knew that if something bad was about to happen, it all would come down to what she had done to me and she needed to face those consequences and hold my fucking hand through it.

**_Praying she's okay-Ana_ **

**_Me too!-Britt_ **

_"Ch-change of plans."_ I said to Celia and she just nodded.

_"Rolling with it...where to?"_

And God did I love how Quinn was becoming more spontaneous because of my sister and my sister was becoming less controlling because of Q.

They were so good for each other and I was happy that I was awake to see them growing together as a couple.

* * *

Even though we had left Sandra's so that I could make my appointments, I ended up cancelling them because I had no idea how long it would take for me to go to lower Manhattan and get back on time in two hours.

As we made our way towards the city and pulled into the parking garage, I knew I'd have to be upfront with my sister.

I handed her my phone with the screen open to my texts with B, her eyes were wide as she read them.

_"Susan should be with her by now, so with the both of us there to supervise, I trust she'll behave."_

_"Not m-mad?"_ I asked.

_"No. She wants to start proving that she's sorry and that she wants this family with you, this is a start. I'm hoping we can just keep it between us, if your mom finds out it will be hell."_

_"Agreed."_

My body felt so heavy as I leaned partially on my sister and partly on the cane. When we got inside, Britt was sitting in the waiting room already, holding onto her mom's hand, her eyes looking a little bloodshot.

When she saw me, she stood up and fidgeted, waiting to do something...anything.

 _"C-check me in?"_ I asked her and she nodded, rushing to the counter without another word.

Susan came over and wrapped me in her arms, holding me securely. I could feel the tears coming and didn't fight them, thankfully the waiting room was empty. _"Thank you for inviting her to be here."_ Susan said.

I nodded and then sat down, I was feeling so fucking tired.

When I rested my head back against the wall, my eyes slid closed and I let my body just relax.

Floating and darkness...like before then more pain in my groin...then I was feeling a tingle.

Cool hands rubbed up and down my thighs, bringing me back to the present.

Britt's eyes were looking up into mine as I sat up, she looked concerned and was talking to me, but I couldn't hear her.

Not this her.

Die. Ana. Die. Ana.

As I looked at her, I felt the flood of memories from that day. My fear was back, and I felt like I wanted to stab her, but I had asked her here.

When she saw the look in my eyes, she dropped her hands and repeated herself.

_"They're ready for you. Can you stand? I can carry you if you need me to."_

I held out my hand and she stood up, then reached for my other hand. When I tried to pull myself up, it was a no go.

 _"C-carry me."_ I muttered.

But she had heard me and scooped me up slowly, holding me against her body firmly.

_"I got you baby, just relax."_

Only I couldn't, not really.

* * *

I let Susan help me take off my jeans and underwear before using her as leverage to get on the exam table. Britt stood to the side watching and waiting.

 _"Any spotting?"_ Dr. Cabot asked a minute later.

It was like time kept skipping because now they were all standing around while she was spreading that goo on my stomach.

 _"A little."_ Susan said as she folded my pants. Britt stood just off to the side, clenching and unclenching her hands, just like she used to do when she wanted to hold my hand.

So, I held my hand out to her and she let out a sigh, then smiled.

Relieved.

Only I wasn't.

Something was wrong, I was sure of it and I had been so fucking sober.

I'd tried to do everything right but the very person who was holding my hand had sabotaged me.

My anger spiked but I didn't let go, I needed her.

The baby gave a big stretch and then I felt the pain again and hissed.

Everyone's eyes were on me.

 _"Where does it hurt, baby?"_ Britt asked, her eyes jumping from me to the screen. The baby was jerking and seeing it on the screen compared to the feeling of her stretching me, was surreal.

 _"Is she okay?"_ I asked the doctor, proud of myself for getting out a sentence. _"P-please?"_ But then I stuttered.

 _"We need to go over your symptoms, would it be easier for you if we asked Yes/No questions?"_ Dr. Ramirez asked.

_"Yes."_

_"Okay, pain scale, 1-10."_ Dr. Cabot asked.

_"N-nine."_

She shared a look with Dr. Ramirez then back at me.

_"You're sure?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay, your pressure is up. Have you done anything to exert yourself in the last 24 hours?"_

Ari came to mind and I could feel the heat in my cheeks.

_"Y-yes."_

Britt's cool hand brushed my cheeks and that's when I realized I was crying.

 _"Was it sex?"_ She looked from Britt to me and I swallowed the bile that was rising.

 _"Yes."_ I said and I could feel Britt's hand slipping from mine, but I gripped it tighter.

_"Okay, was there penetration?"_

_"No."_

_"Okay, was that the only time?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Let's steer clear of sexual activity for a while. Your body isn't healed completely and spikes in pressure can have adverse effects. Sex usually doesn't do this kind of thing though; it just could have heightened the sensitivity to something that was already occurring."_

The baby gave another stretch and this time it made me cry out because it felt like she was using my insides as a punching bag. I turned toward the screen and sure enough she was kicking up a storm.

 _"Oh wow. I've never seen a baby move like that."_ Susan said.

 _"Brittany, help turn Santana to her side."_ Dr. Ramirez said and I whimpered as Britt shifted me.

The pain eased and I was out of breath.

I stayed like that for a little bit and then I was on my back again, when we looked at the baby again, she was calmer. Her thumb was in her mouth and I rolled my eyes, because of course she'd do it when I couldn't stop her.

Two thumb suckers would not do, the orthodontic bills would be through the roof.

I tried to smile through the pain, but the doctors looked anxious.

 _"Santana, when is the last time you used?"_ Dr. Ramirez asked.

 _"May, I t-think."_ I said and they all looked at me sideways, except Britt.

 _"She can't remember still; she's been sober though. Even through Ian and everything she was sober. Since she got home, she hasn't been alone, so I doubt she's got anything going on now."_ Britt defended and the doctors seemed to relax at her word.

_"Before the sex, had you been having pain?"_

_"Yes, but m-more like a p-pressure."_

_"We are going to compare notes, you get cleaned up and we will be back in."_

_"Is she going to have to go back on bedrest?"_ Britt asked.

Dr. Cabot who had been silent for most of this as she examined the sonogram and took notes, looked at Britt and then at me.

_"From the looks of it, Santana, the loss of oxygen in October, which we thought had spared the baby...is showing false. What you just experienced was a fetal seizure. I'm going to be honest with you, generally seizures in utero do not produce a healthy or living child. This is a worst-case scenario, she's still on target with growth and her heart rates are perfect. We could do an amnio to see if there are any other underlying factors, if you'd like or we can start making a plan to deliver her sooner."_

I was stunned and then Britt let go of my hand and stepped back. She crossed her arms over herself and silently cried.

 _"S-stop!"_ I snapped at her and she looked at me stunned. _"I need you to o-own this. I-I need your s-strength. P-please?"_ I asked and she wiped at her face and stepped back to my side. She took my hand again and then looked at the doctors.

_"What should we do...bedrest or delivery?"_

Dr. Cabot sighed and looked over at Dr. Ramirez. She seemed at a loss for words, which I could see was why Dr. Ramirez was speaking up for most of this...she was braver than Dr. Cabot and I couldn't hold that against her.

_"Delivering now could cause a host of complications. You've been awake and moving for less than a month. Your body and the baby need to adjust. I recommend bed rest, full scale. I know it's the holidays and you don't want to be admitted. It's not necessary just yet but if this progresses than it might be. Right now, it's your choice."_

_"Also,"_ Dr. Cabot cut in, _"if you decide to go home, no sex, no stress, and no heavy lifting...which I'm sure you haven't really been able to do since the stroke."_

Britt whimpered but did not let go of my hand.

 _"What do you want, baby?"_ Britt asked me and I wanted to snap. I wanted to say, I didn't want to be in this fucking situation...that's what I wanted but it wouldn't fix anything.

_"Ad-admit me. I c-can't do this a-alone."_

_"Are you sure?"_ Dr. Ramirez asked.

_"Yes."_

* * *

Once I made the decision to be admitted for the duration of my pregnancy, things moved pretty quickly. Dr. Cabot called up to the maternity floor and found me a single room, that I knew I'd probably pay an arm and a leg for since I'd be there for a whole month...hopefully.

Britt helped me get dressed this time around and then sat with me while I waited to get blood drawn.

Susan lingered in the background, too nervous to leave me alone with Britt, especially since Celia had gone back to the house to get me some things that would make me more comfortable for the long stay.

 _"Was it Ari?"_ Britt asked me while we waited for the nurse.

I looked into her eyes and didn't see anything there but curiosity. She wasn't mad, which surprised me.

_"Yes."_

_"Are you two going to be a thing? I know you've always loved her."_

_"No. A-always and only-"_ I began to say but Britt shook her head.

_"No, that's not true and I'm starting to think that it never was. Not really. We made a lot of big promises to each other before we even knew each other. We can't do that anymore. You need to be single and enjoying life. I know there is no chance for me and you, I'm learning that's okay. I divorced you, so I can't get mad that you've moved on...all I want is for you to be happy and if it's with Ari, that's okay."_

_"Okay."_ I said, not sure what else I could say. _"D-do you w-want to be a part of this?"_ I asked, taking her hand and bringing it to my belly. The feel of her long fingers rubbing my stomach sent a feeling of calm through my body. I'd missed her touch more than I had realized.

_"I want to...I just don't know if I can. For as long as he is out there, pulling the strings, I don't know if I can put my heart out there to get torn apart. I don't know if I'm as strong as you are."_

My hands shook as I brought them to her face and wiped away her tears.

 _"You are."_ I whispered.

_"I'm not."_

She glanced at her mom and then at the door, before pulling back her sleeve. There in short lines were cuts, fresh ones that hadn't scabbed over, they looked angry and raw. I ran my fingers beside them and then pressed a kiss just next to them before looking at her.

 _"No m-more."_ I said, giving her a stern look.

_"I want to stop...this is...me off my medicine. I thought I'd be better without the pills but I'm not and I tried taking them again like I used to, but I can't go backwards. I can't be level. I'm scared of hurting you again...the fact that you even wanted me here...you are way stronger than me on my best day."_

_"You c-can be st...strong, B. I have f-faith in you."_

_"Why?"_

_"I see y-ou."_

She pulled me against her and held me there until the nurse arrived.

It felt good to be in her arms even if her voice was still ringing in my head.

_Die. Ana. Die. Ana. Die_

_"I'll do anything you ask just so long as you keep having faith in me."_ She said, should have sounded sweet to my ears but instead it sounded like a transaction.

We still had a long way to go but I understood the intent.

I would be a fool to just let her back in but that's not what I was doing.

At least, that's what I wanted to believe.

* * *

Since Celia had left to go get stuff for me, Britt was going to drive us to the hospital in Susan's rental. I wanted to sit in the back, but Susan insisted that I take the front seat, so that's where I ended up, seated next to the woman who I was still trying to figure out.

I closed my eyes and turned on the air conditioner, feeling hot even though it was crazy cold outside. Susan and Britt kept whatever opinions they had to themselves and it made me feel good to know that I could still have some control and be selfish.

_"So, Brittany, why don't you tell Santana what we talked about. I'm sure she'd like to hear about it."_

_"I dunno, Mom, she's got huge things on her mind."_

_"Tell me."_ I said, taking my time with the words.

_"Well, I called Frankie and asked her to step in for me at work for a little bit. I'm supposed to be doing a psych hold this week, to figure out what's going on with my head. Um...after I got arrested, I had to go into therapy or go to jail. I went to therapy for like a month and then I kinda stopped. It wasn't helping because I don't have meds anymore. So, originally, I was going to go to crisis for a week and figure stuff out. I told Quinn that I was going to California for work but that wasn't true. I guess, I just felt embarrassed. Since I don't want to be gone for so long, I thought I'd just do the rest of this week...sorry that I lied."_

_"N-no more lies. P-promise me."_ I said, holding out my pinky as we got to a red light. She looked at my finger and then wrapped hers around it and squeezed.

_"I promise. Even if it makes me feel icky, I'll tell the truth. Like, how it hurts that you've moved on twice now while the one time I tried was a complete bomb or how so sorry I am for everything. I really want to be better and so that was going to be my gift to you, getting better."_

_"Thanks, B._ " I sighed as we pulled up into the hospital lot. Susan patted my shoulder and I squeezed her hand before turning towards B.

_"Mom, can you grab a wheelchair for her. I know I'm not supposed to be alone with her, but I could use just a moment...please?"_

My hackles were raised but Susan shook her head.

_"No, Brittany. We aren't there yet...you go get the wheelchair and I'll stay here with Santana. You need to earn being alone with her."_

_"Right, I'm sorry."_

Thank God for Susan because that pout of Britt's was able to melt me even in the worst of times.

Susan seemed to be immune to it.

Teach me your ways, Susan...jeez.

* * *

By Wednesday, I wanted to climb the walls of the hospital room, I was so bored. Sandra was keeping Isaac for the rest of the week and then he was going to spend some time with Susan and Brittany once she was out of her psych hold. While B was in the hold, Susan was spending time with Mami in the city...it seemed that their standoff was called off once Britt was getting help and I was not shunning Susan.

Which was stupid to begin with, she and Mami had been friends for three years.

I was almost caught up with my journals and was just getting to the time I spent on bedrest the first time, when my phone chimed.

**_Hey, you busy?-Ari_ **

**_Are you joking?-Ana_ **

**_Right, there's something I need to run by you, and I wish we could talk on the phone, but I know how the stutter slows you down-Ari_ **

**_What's wrong? Find someone else? Want to end this thing we're doing?-Ana_ **

**_No and no.-Ari_ **

**_Then what is it?-Ana_ **

**_I'm going to call you, this is a phone conversation.-Ari_ **

**_You're scaring me.-Ana_ **

**_Sorry-Ari_ **

I went to text back but then my phone screen was lighting up with a picture I had snapped at some point of her in some elaborate dance pose. She looked like an angel.

Her face popped up, she was red faced, wearing her leather jacket with the collar popped as she paced.

 _"You ok?"_ I asked and she stopped pacing. Her eyes looked a little dazed and those lips pressed into a frown told me she was shocked or nervous.

 _"No, I mean, I was but now I'm not because I don't know what to do. You told me to keep you low stress and I'm trying. I already feel guilty about the sex and now this...I'm too much."_ She rambled.

 _"Stop it."_ Score two non-stutters in a row.

_"Fine, I won't make you talk too much. Are you up for a visit...this isn't even phone conversation...can I bring you food or something?"_

_"Hot dogs."_ I said and she rolled her eyes.

_"Of course. I'll bring you hot dogs, do you want a milkshake?"_

I hadn't but I did now.

_"Yes!"_

* * *

Ari showed up thirty minutes later carrying my food and two milkshakes, her face just as red earlier but now her curls looking windswept.

I grinned as she set up my bed table with the food and milkshake...then she placed just one giant chocolate chip cookie.

 _"You love me."_ I said and then I waited for her to get situated before holding my hand out to her.

Despite coming from outside, her hand was surprisingly warm.

_"I do love you, want me to pray?"_

_"Mmmhmm."_ I said, head already bowed, and my eyes closed.

_"Mind if I pray for more than the food?"_

_"Mmmhmm."_

_"Dear Father, please cleanse this food of any impurities and help it to nourish our bodies. Lord God, In the face of illness, we recognize our need. We need strength, we need peace, and we need You. Just as Jesus healed those who came to him, extend your hand so that Ana will receive your healing power. I ask this with my whole heart, with trust in You. Amen."_

When I was looking at her again, I could see the determination in her eyes.

 _"Eat."_ I said and then began to methodically, take my hot dog and devour it. I gave myself a moment before eating the second one, slower and with more pauses. Ari didn't laugh or make rude comments, she just ate alongside me in a comfortable silence.

Once I was done the hot dogs, I sat back and folded my hand on my lap, turning my face to her as she fiddled with a straw wrapper.

_"So, I got a call this morning from Carlos, he says hi. Apparently, Marco is out...has been out for a while and went back to rehab. He just got out a week ago and was asking if you were still in Lima. He has no idea what happened between you and Brittany because when you came to Lima, he was released and went into rehab. He's been there all these weeks...Carlos told him that you were in New York again and he should check with me."_

_"So, he did?"_

_"He did. I told him you were on bedrest in the hospital and that it was to keep the baby safe in your final weeks."_

_"And?"_

_"That's it...he wants to come see you."_

_"Why?"_

_"You know why. His everything revolves around you...always has. You are too much like Titi Sophie and it's warped that he took his love for his mom and turned it into anger towards someone who looks like her."_

_"D-does he k-know bout, B?"_

_"No, it was kept from him. Nico was his eyes and ears and with him gone, Marco is in the dark about almost everything to do with you."_

_"Good."_

_"Should I tell him to fuck off?"_

_"No."_

_"Wait, you want him to come?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Really?"_

_"J-just d-don't leave."_

_"I won't. I'll stay the whole time."_

_"W-when?"_

_"Now if you want, I can call him."_

I nodded.

_"Call."_

* * *

My memories of Marco haven't returned. I've documented my time with him, saw that we came to a weird truce and that he had been semi-kind to me since our divorce. I was conflicted about allowing him to see me, but I knew deep down that it was coming. I was carrying his offspring and family meant a lot to him. She meant a lot to him and I respected that.

When he came into my room, a while later carrying a teddy bear and a gift bag, my body didn't stiffen up like it had with Brittany. My body didn't feel threatened by him like it used to which means that before my coma, I had gotten to a point that I was more scared of Brittany than Marco. The very idea of that kind of reality, blew my mind.

He put the teddy bear down on an empty chair and then placed the gift bag on the bed table for me.

_"It's good to see you looking so healthy."_

_"Fat, y-you mean."_

He looked at me sideways, then I watched his eagle-eyed self-look me over...then his eyes got caught on my cane.

_"What am I missing here."_

_"Sit down, Moncho."_ Ari said and he looked at her for a moment, then back at me...he looked scared. It was something I had never seen on his face before in my memory, not since I was on my hunger strike when he denied me coke.

_"Something happened to you, didn't it?"_

_"Y-yes. Sit d-down."_ I stuttered out and he actually did this time. I looked over to Ari and nodded.

 _"When Ana came back to New York, there was a fight between her and Brittany."_ I sucked my milkshake down and watched Marco's face as Ari talked. Right now, he had an eyebrow arched and he was sitting stiffly. _"Britt choked her...she had a stroke and then was in a coma for a month and a half. She a mini stroke after waking up. Her stutter isn't permanent, she's getting better every day. When she walks, she needs that cane. She lost most of her memory back to February, she's slowly getting her memories back."_

 _"That's fucked up...not that I was any better...this is fucking karma. I'm so sorry, Anita."_ Marco must have realized the irony because he'd raped me when I was pregnant with Isaac...and got me high. He was looking at me and then at my belly. _"Is that why you're here?"_

 _"S-she's h-having se...seizures."_ I said and his eyes went wide. _"M-my pressure is up. I n-need t-therapy e-every d-day. D-don't w-want an-other stroke."_

 _"No...I'm going to kill her."_ He growled but then Ari was clamping her hand on his arm and he was covering his face with his hand. _"Is this because of me? Because it's mine? She wanted to kill my baby?"_

I was stunned while he cried like I had never seen before.

Who was this man?

 _"S-she b-broke but s-she's g-getting h-h-help."_ I was getting tired of talking and just rested my head back and smiled at Ari. Hoping she'd take over.

_"Ana let her come to the last doctor appointment and apparently, she was attentive, and she admitted that she's was going to put herself on a psychiatric hold to help her get the right diagnosis and medicine. She's supposed to visit on Friday after she gets out."_

_"I'll be here."_ He said and I glared at him, but he glared back. _"You and I came to a truce, even after I put a hit out on Nico...and you sent the mob after me with the Motta's...I'm still going to look out for you. A second stint in rehab, this time because I wanted to has me feeling a lot different about life. If I could bring Nico back or change the way that I treated you, I would. I want to be someone that my Preciosa can be proud of. That starts with holding Brittany to task."_

Ari cut off his impassioned speech.

_"That's just it, Moncho, Brittany won't step up to be a mom to this baby because she's afraid that you are going to step in and take this baby and you know that was your plan from the beginning."_

_"I am not fit to be anyone's parent. I think I've made that clear...I've seen her with Isaac, don't ask how. She is good to him and I know that if given the chance she would be good to this little girl too. I will be here on Friday and I will talk to her, ease her mind a bit."_

_"Y-you come. Y-you w-work."_ I wiggled my toes and he rolled his eyes.

Ari looked confused and Marco smirked at her.

_"Every time we fought, back when I was trying my best not to be an asshole...I'd give her a pedicure."_

_"No way!"_ Ari said, looking highly amused.

 _"Yes. It seems that someone is going to make me prove myself."_ Marco said and then gave a curt nod. _"Fine, I will rub your feet and paint your toes."_ He looked at my feet and then grimaced, _"And cut your toenails because obviously you need it."_

_"R-rude."_

* * *

After he was gone, Ari climbed into the bed with me and pressed her lips to my face, making me giggle like Isaac.

 _"I have never seen Moncho, so silly."_ She whispered and then kissed my lips. _"If that was because I was close by, I can be here on Friday too."_

 _"Yes."_ I said and then kissed her back. _"Please."_

_"Okay. I have the last of my finals tomorrow, so it's a full dance day but that works out perfect since you have therapy from breakfast until dinner. Are you going to be ready for that?"_

_"No. T-too much."_

_"No, it was your idea, all of your therapy in one day so you could rest the next day. It's what you wanted so that's what's going to happen. If you hate it, I'll talk to your doctors for you."_

_"Yea, ok."_

_"Deal. I'm going to stay until you're asleep and then I need to get back to my dorm."_

I puckered my lips and she kissed me hard, I buried my hand in her hair and kissed her even more.

We made out for a while until it got harder to stay awake.

She finally pulled back and just pressed a kiss to my forehead while she held me close.

The baby gave the occasional kick but was sleeping too...just the three of us, soaking up some bliss before the hellscape of therapy and finals tomorrow.

Just as I was about to fall asleep, I felt a sharp pain and then the alarms started blaring.

Ari sprung to her feet and was looking at the monitors and then the door swung open. Dr. Cabot came in looking way calmer than I felt.

She looked at the monitors and then pressed her hands to my belly, the baby was calm again and then she looked at my monitors.

_"Your pressure spiked, it seems when that happens, the baby's body goes haywire."_

_"She was falling asleep; how could her pressure have spiked?"_ Ari asked and I nodded in agreement.

_"What did you eat for dinner?"_

Ari went pale and then looked guilty

_"Hot dogs."_

Dr. Cabot nodded and wrote down notes in the chart.

 _"No more outside food, stick to the menu provided at the hospital. That's why you chose to be here instead of at home. You want a controlled environment for your daughter. I'm going to up your hydration to flush that extra sodium out of your body. Let this be a lesson...okay?"_ She glared at Ari and the poor girl nodded profusely.

_"No more, I'm sorry."_

_"It's fine, Santana knew better."_ I was glaring at Dr. Cabot and she rolled her eyes.

_"You'll feel better soon, it looks like her numbers are already calming. I'll be back in to see how your numbers look."_

_"Okay."_ I said to the doctor before she left. I rubbed my belly, then I looked over at Ari who was putting on her jacket with tears in her eyes. _"Hey, I'm ok."_ I said and she nodded.

_"Right, I know that. I guess, I just wanted to make you happy and I forgot that you shouldn't be eating stuff like that. I'm so sorry if I hurt the baby."_

_"Y-you d-didn't f-force me."_

_"Don't give me the addict speech again. The drug dealer is just as responsible for supplying the drugs as the addict is for taking them...maybe even more so."_

My arms were folded over my chest as I tried to glare but she wouldn't allow it.

She peppered my face with kisses until I was smiling at her, then she gave me one last kiss before handing me the journal I had been reading and my phone.

 _"L-love you."_ I said and she nodded.

_"I love you too. Try to relax, I'll let you know when I get back home. See you Friday, bright and early."_

I held out my pinky for a promise and she took it.

Giving it a squeeze.

Even with this feeling of utter contentment that Ari brought, I knew that my heart didn't skip the way it did having Britt touch me or kiss me.

Is it wrong that I still had hope for us?

Maybe when all my memories are back, I'll feel different.

Seeing Marco and how easy it was to be around him, didn't do anything but make me have more hope for B and me.

Her hurt was my hurt.

I'd married her at some point, even if it wasn't real...the love had been there.

Both times I'd been married.

Right now, though, Ari was what I needed, and I knew that.

I had to trust God's plan, even if I didn't understand it.

* * *

Thursday was hell.

Drug counseling took a turn, no longer were we coloring and talking occasionally, the counselor had received my rehab files from Lima and was now talking to me about things that I barely remembered.

I had to pull out my journal from the time that I was getting high when I was pregnant...and we had to talk about the overdose last year after Papi died and Marco. So much Marco talk.

Did she care that I stuttered my way through the conversations?

No. She didn't give one flying motherfuck and I had to give her props for that. My need to throw a tantrum meant nothing because she was trying to prevent me from going back to drugs in just a month...when the baby would be out, and my mobility would be easier.

My memories were like swiss cheese, full of holes...my last complete ones were when I was deep in addiction. I understood the reason for the tough love, and I appreciated it, but I didn't like it.

Not even a little bit.

She had me write down how I felt now in relation to drugs and triggers.

Then she would read it and we'd talk more.

By the time we finished talking for two hours, I was practically begging her to leave.

Thankfully, my physical therapist came in with a whole new machine to work my body...a recumbent bike.

Perfect.

By the time that my speech therapist showed up after lunch, I was feeling homicidal.

She came into the room and smiled at me, _"So...I thought we could do something a little different today...music maybe?"_

 _"Okay."_ I said and she smiled.

She pulled a miniature keyboard from behind her back and I flexed my fingers, kind of excited to play.

_"Today, we are singing notes. You'll play a note then sing the chord. Do you think you can do that?"_

_"G-god yes."_ I said and she nodded.

Everything before that therapy session had been literal hell but playing that piano and singing notes, not even full words but just the notes gave me so much hope.

I had done so well and got so wrapped up that two hours flew by and I was in tears when she had to take the keyboard away.

She promised to bring it back on Saturday, in the meantime my homework was to sing acapella.

Our first song was filled with one and two syllable words.

Twinkle, Twinkle little star.

I'd learned to play that on the piano when I was six, my memory and my fingers had not forgotten the placement.

And after she left, I found a piano app that I had already downloaded on my phone.

I played until dinner time and then spent the rest of my evening singing it to Ari while she twirled around an empty dance studio.

She didn't tire of the repeated playing of the same song and I didn't tire of watching her.

It wasn't long before I had gone rogue and was just playing chords while she danced.

If watching her and Britt dance was the last thing I could ever do, I would die happy.

The only thing that could make that better is knowing that my children were safe.

And loved.

I had so many hopes that night as I drifted to sleep.

My prayers were all centered around tomorrow going well.

Hope and prayers, prayers and hope...that's all I could control...that faith in something better.


	23. Chapter 23: Love Is the King (Jeff Tweedy)

I fell asleep watching Ari twirl around an empty room and woke up a little while later to another dancer, standing at the edge of my bed staring out the window, her red hair was tucked neatly in a bun and her hands rested on her own, much smaller baby bump.

 _"Hi."_ I said and she turned to me with a small smile on her face.

_"Hey, I'm glad you're awake. How are you feeling?"_

_"T-tired."_

_"Well you're glowing, and you look insanely healthy."_

_"Fat. I know."_

_"Not fat, although, I think I'm a little plump too."_

_"H-how f-far?"_

_"Five months, it's a boy."_

_"That's...a-awesome."_

_"Thank you."_

_"Y-you c-came for B?"_

_"I did and she was smart to call me because if she hadn't, I'm fairly sure it wouldn't have been long before her bosses started digging. As of now, they think she's taking a leave of absence before casting starts up in February."_

_"H-have you t-talked to her?"_

_"Briefly, I was allowed to see her on video last night. Thanks to her years of therapy and medications, she went in there and didn't hesitate to talk. Susan says they have diagnosed her, she didn't tell me more than that. She gets out tomorrow morning and the bosses called her in, so I get to see up close where her head is. I came to see you, because oddly my loyalty is with you too. I just want to make sure you are okay."_

I rubbed my belly and brushed my fingers through my hair, feeling a little self-conscious in the face of how put together she looked. This had been my competition at some point, but my journals had been correct, we'd become friendly...she had moved on.

 _"D-did s-she h-hurt you b-back in August?"_ I asked, not bothering to address her concerns.

She flinched and I knew what I suspected was right.

 _"She went too far during her visit. I shouldn't want to help her, but I knew that by helping her, I was helping you. I owe you so much. If it weren't for you, I would still be chasing her, and I wouldn't have met Siobhan. You are the reason; I've got this little guy on the way."_ She grinned as she rubbed her stomach. _"I wanted you to know that I'm here in the city and even though Susan told me that Britt told you...I know she can fall back on her lies. I promised you that I would always be upfront. So, I'm here for you and with you, I may not be in love with Britt, but I love her, and I want her to continue getting help."_

_"Me too."_

_"Good. I'm glad we are on the same page and with even more transparency, Siobhan and I will be here until February, we are renting a house across from the theater and we invited Britt to stay with us since her lease is up at the end of this month. She needs a network that's outside of your family. It's unorthodox but I think it could work."_

In the past, I would have shot this down immediately, but I knew that she was right. Britt needed a network.

_"A-agreed."_

_"I also know you'll probably feel a little more comfortable with her having Isaac with some supervision around...especially after his stitches."_

The growl in my throat was louder than I expected, and Frankie flinched again.

 _"Y-you will h-help h-her?"_ I asked.

_"You have my word."_

_"G-good."_

_"I'm glad I got the chance to talk to you, one on one...you have my number if you need anything, want to check in, or just need some insight from her point of view. I know it's silly because you two are like soul mates but sometimes you can be too close to a situation to have full clarity. You taught me that. It wasn't until I fully pulled away from her, that I could see things for what they were."_

_"T-too m-much credit."_ I said, waving her off.

_"No...it's the exact amount of credit. You changed my life and I am super grateful."_

Then it hit me, the way I had topped her...the way she called me Papi...the way that she looked at me after, with awe.

And then I was laughing so hard that I nearly peed myself.

 _"Papi c-cares."_ I said and she blushed, then she was joining me in my laughter.

I had grown so much in the time before my coma, it was astounding and she was spot on, having distance from who I was and who I became, helped me to really appreciate just how far I'd come.

* * *

After Frankie left, I thought I was in the clear to finally get up but then the door opened.

 _"Was that Frankie that just left?"_ Q asked and I nodded. _"Well shit, any memories?"_

_"Yup."_

_"Were you about to get up?"_

_"Yup."_

_"Need some help?"_

I sighed, wanting to do this on my own but knowing that it would probably be easier with Quinn helping me.

_"Yes."_

She put her bag down and went into the bathroom to start the shower, before coming back to help me into the wheelchair that I wasn't intending to use. God knows my stubborn streak and had sent me the queen of making me follow rules.

While she helped me stand at the sink so I could brush my teeth and wash my face, she hummed to herself.

 _"T-talk."_ I said and she cleared her throat.

_"Sorry, I know you hate when I do that. I just...had an argument with like your whole family and then Celia didn't defend me so now I'm fighting with her too."_

_"Do I w-want to k-know?"_

_"Probably not, so I'm just going to leave it be. I came because I missed you."_

_"And to e-escape."_

_"That too."_

I watched as she gently ran the washcloth over my body and then rinsed my hair before pinning it up. I was grateful for her height in that moment. Once I was back in the chair, wrapped up in a towel. I saw the shift in her face for a split second before she tried to keep up a brave face.

This wasn't the first time since I had been awake since I had seen her shove down whatever she was feeling, and I didn't like it one bit.

But I knew that with Q, you had to bide your time, you couldn't just rush her or ambush her.

She was gentle as she helped me into the new pajama top that Marco had brought me. It had a monogramed red S and was all black. He still knew my tastes and I hoped that carried over to the pedicure that I was badly in need of.

Once I was back in bed, sitting up with my journal in my lap, I crossed my legs and then patted the bed.

Q raised an eyebrow but sat down tentatively.

 _"It's okay to n-not be okay."_ I said to her and she rolled her eyes. _"I'm s-serious, Q. I got you. Y-you are my f-family too. M-more t-than any of them."_

She tried to put on a brave face, but I knew that my words had landed in the way that I needed them to.

 _"You say that but then when you aren't around, they treat me like an interloper or like some person that is trying to insert myself into the family and take over. I want to say, where the fuck were you people when she was losing her baby...when she was losing her fucking mind, but I don't. It's bullshit."_ She was crying now but I could tell that the tears were more out of anger than sadness.

How long had she been walking around feeling so angry?

* * *

I leaned forward, taking her hand in mine, and waited until she was looking me in the eyes.

_"I got you, Q."_

_"How, I mean you are here all sick and shit."_

_"D-doesn't mean I can't p-put my foot down."_

_"Thanks, San."_

_"W-we are b-bullies, you know that but so are you."_

_"I shouldn't have to do that though; we are grown and Celia at the very least should have had my fucking back."_

_"Yeah. I know."_

_"We've been bickering for a while now and honestly, she's a distraction. She wants to settle down and I'm not really ready. I'm a freshman in college."_

_"I t-told you t-this."_ I said and she rolled her eyes.

_"I know but, I guess in high school, I was more mature than everyone in every room...including most of the teachers. I thought I could handle it but it's different in the adult world. You know?"_

_"Yes."_

Then I thought of Sandra's words from a few days ago.

We were kids still. Not even 20...of course we were struggling.

Celia was 28, she was established and ready to start a family.

Q had started a family technically at 16, now she was trying to be independent.

_"I think I want to take a break."_

I flinched...how many times had I heard those words from B.

Fucking breaks.

_"Y-you need to talk to her."_

_"I will, do you think it would be okay if I just hide out here tonight."_

_"M-marco will b-be here in the m-morning." I said and her eyes got wide._

_"What, now?"_

_"Y-you've been b-busy. H-here...I w-wrote bout it."_ I said, feeling too exhausted to talk about yesterday.

I handed her my journal to yesterday's entry and then watched her eyes get wide.

_"No fucking way...I am so pissed I have finals tomorrow; I'm going to miss all the action. I'd pay good money to see Marco give you a pedicure."_

_"I'll t-take pictures."_

_"Yes, please! Okay, I'm going to change and then I'm coming to cuddle you, be ready."_

I grinned and then straightened out the bed.

My phone chimed and I just knew it was Ari.

And it was...but that wasn't my only message.

**_We will be there first thing, berry purple or noir magic?-Ari_ **

**_Got out early. Home with mom. Work in am. See u for lunch?-B_ **

**_Noir magic, obviously.-Ana_ **

**_Awesome, B. I'm excited to see you. Oh, don't bring outside food. I already got in trouble for it.-Ana_ **

**_I knew it! He stole my whole kit. Sweet dreams, Anita :)-Ari_ **

**_Sweet dreams, babycakes!-Ana_ **

**_Oh! Good to know. I'll just bring Izzy.-B_ **

**_Perfect, night night, Britt-Ana_ **

**_Night.-B_ **

* * *

By the time that Quinn was back in the room, looking refreshed from a new round of tears, I was on my nightly call with my son.

Sandra had been calling each night so that I could see him, but I was missing seeing him all the time. It seemed like each time that I saw him, he had grown and was more alert than ever.

 _"Ki Ki."_ He mumbled sleepily.

I blew him a kiss and he grinned as he laid against Sandra.

_"So, your mom is going to take him to Britt's tomorrow morning and drop him with Susan. Are you sure you don't want us to just come to the hospital?"_

_"No. I-I need l-low st-stress. S-she will just g-get w-worked u-up sssince Br-Britt will be here."_

_"Not going to lie, she's been feeling some type of way that you asked the family not to visit you for a few days but then she found out that Ari's been there and Marco...now Quinn is there. We are your family, Santana."_

_"T-this is w-what I mean. Th-there's a-always a fight. I n-need p-peace. N-not even M-marco w-worked me up."_

_"How about next week? It's the week before Christmas...can we come then?"_

_"One at a time."_ I said. _"Let m-me see m-my son."_ I said and she put the camera back on him. He was asleep now and I hated that she had been so fucking busy complaining to me about Mami's feelings that I had missed it.

 _"Sorry, sis."_ Sandra said.

 _"N-night, Papa."_ I said to him.

 _"Ki ki."_ He mumbled, peaking an eye open at me.

I blew another kissed and watched him close his eyes again with a grin as he puckered his lips.

My sister wished me a goodnight and then ended the call.

Quinn sat there stone faced as she texted on her phone.

 _"M-my f-family is o-out of c-control."_ I said to her and she huffed.

_"Tell me about it. I offered to be the one to take Isaac to Susan, but your mom insisted that it had to be her. She wanted to make sure that Britt wasn't a fucking lunatic, her words, before letting her grandson stay there. I argued, said that he is Brittany's child too and that she would never hurt herself or him purposely. She went on to tell me how she used to think that about Britt with you and I was nervous because she's in a fragile place, the last thing Britt needs is hurricane Gladys showing up."_

_"Yeah...I-I get w-what she's s-saying though."_

_"Of course, please don't tell me I'm wrong too...I can't handle any more fights."_

_"I'm on y-your side. Sh-she w-would never hurt a kid. Ever."_

_"The stitches was Sandra's argument and then Celia chimed in...told me that Britt's hurt me...that she's hurt you...that she's hurt Frankie."_

_"Y-you?"_ I said, because that was news to me.

_"She hasn't ever physically hurt me; you know I would put her down...most of her stuff is emotional abuse. She is always taking blows that I'm not a real mom or how could you trust me with your kid when I gave up mine. We've had it out, when it got to the point that I was her only friend in New York and I was the one who convinced Sal to find a way for her to be on probation instead in prison...things changed."_

_"G-good. S-sorry that s-she cr-crossed that line."_

_"Me too but, I handled it. The common thing is Britt has abused the people she's had romantic feelings towards. The deeper the relationship, the more aggressive she gets. We only made out...so she's never crossed that line but with you and Frankie...well she has. I hope things change."_

_"Me too."_

_"You know, sometimes I regret coming here. I feel like I would have been at peace in New Haven."_

_"S-sorry."_

_"No, I would have regrets there too. I would have been concerned about Isaac and you...I wouldn't have been able to be the buffer for Britt and the family. I'm needed here and I think, I'm not used to that. Judy and my father always relegated me to the background. With you and the Lopez women, I'm always in the know...until lately."_

_"I-I owe you s-something b-big...w-what d-do you w-want?"_

_"Nothing."_

_"Name it."_

_"I'm never going to ask you to compensate me for my troubles, Santana. I just think, I need to feel a little protection from your family. I get why Britt pulls away from them, they are terrifying and so fucking nosey."_

_"I got you."_

I fell asleep that night in Quinn's arms, feeling all of her love and protection and knew that I needed to do more.

Only, I needed to be subtle like a Fabray.

Done.

* * *

Early the next morning, before visiting hours, when I was picking at my breakfast, Quinn kissed my forehead and promised to check in on me tonight. I could see the exhaustion on her face and knew that what I had decided was going to lighten some of that load.

**_Good morning, Sal-Santana_ **

I was biting my lip as I stared down at my phone, waiting to hear from someone who I hadn't talked to since before my coma.

**_Santana Lopez! How are you?-Salvatore_ **

**_Great, how's my money looking?-Santana_ **

**_I've missed your down to business tone. Your portfolio is extremely healthy, nearing the 100m mark.-Salvatore_ **

Holy shit.

**_What are the rules for setting up a trust fund?-Santana_ **

**_You already have a family trust fund.-Salvatore_ **

**_I know that. I want to pay for someone's school, but I don't want them to know it's me.-Santana_ **

**_Oh really? That's amazing, we could set up a scholarship-Salvatore_ **

**_Really? How long would that take?-Santana_ **

**_Well, your father always wanted to set up a scholarship at his alma mater but never got around to it. He wanted it to be an excellence award. Would you like to do that? Please note that this loophole does not need Sandra's sign off since you won't be getting the money yourself.-Salvatore_ **

**_Wait, I can pull it from my inheritance without Sandra?-Santana_ **

**_Yes, up to 1m-Salvatore_ **

**_That's amazing, can you arrange 1 million and name the fund something pretentious and keep me anonymous. I already know who I want it to go to and she won't take the money if she knows it's from me.-Santana_ **

**_Is it for Ms. Fabray?-Salvatore_ **

**_You know me well.-Santana_ **

**_I will handle it. When you are up for it, let's have a non-business conversation. I know about your stutter, word travels so I imagine the phone is hard, but I don't mind a stutter. I will overnight the paperwork to you, where would you like it sent?-Salvatore_ **

**_Send it to Columbia Medical Center at my attention. Bed rest until baby comes-Santana_ **

**_On it, I'll have courier deliver the paperwork tomorrow or Monday-Salvatore_ **

**_Perfect and yes, let's have a chill convo soon. I miss ruffling your feathers!-Santana_ **

**_I miss being ruffled. Be well!-Salvatore_ **

* * *

_"Someone is in a good mood."_ Ari said as she came into the room with a Tupperware container. I raised my eyebrow because I had never realized she was so rebellious before. _"Before you ask, I talked to your doctor, bringing you fruit is allowed...so I brought you a fruit salad."_

God this girl was going to be an amazing wife someday...just not mine...but you know, never say never.

I noticed that she was alone and looked towards the door and was about to ask but she leaned in and kissed my lips. Our faces were just inches apart when she looked in my eyes.

_"I haven't told him about us hooking up. I thought it was better that way but when Susan and Britt come by, they might...should I say something."_

I heard the door crack open and closed the gap between us, capturing her lips and nibbling on them. She groaned and I heard a wolf whistle from Marco. No need to tell him anything...actions speak louder than words.

Ari kissed me one more time before pulling away and pushing the fruit bowl into my hands.

Marco was pulling up a chair to the end of the bed and had a smug look on his face.

 _"So, when did this happen?"_ He asked Ari.

_"It's not serious...you know as well as I do where her heart is."_

He glared at me but more pitying than anything else.

_"You stringing my baby cousin along, Anita?"_

_"S-she knows w-what th-this is."_ I said.

_"And you're okay with that Ari?"_

_"It works for me, Moncho. I'm not ready for serious and she just needs to learn healthy relationship habits because you sure as hell didn't teach them to her."_

He put up his hands and nodded.

_"Okay, fine. You're both adults, I just know that casual can get hard...but if you two have drawn your boundaries and have talked this through, I won't meddle. You both deserve love...easy and amicable."_

_"Damn right."_ I said, smugly pushing my feet from under my covers and wiggling my toes.

 _"Hey, don't aim those weapons at me!"_ Marco joked and I glared.

_"Be nice, Moncho...she can probably silently communicate with the baby...do you want her to talk shit that you can't even defend."_

_"Point made."_ He said and then hovered next to me, his hands flexing like B's do when she wants to touch me.

I pulled the blanket back and he saw I was wearing his gift and grinned.

 _"May I?"_ He asked, all nice and shit.

I nodded and then he was kneeling down, running a hand over my belly, and murmuring to the baby.

 _"No t-talking shit."_ I muttered and he smiled sweetly at me, but I could the deviousness in his eyes. _"Ass."_ I said and he cackled.

This was such new and weird territory for me, but it wasn't completely unfamiliar, when he wasn't a psychopath, I got along with Marco. We had the same sense of humor and had a lot in common...that's why we used to get along before everything happened. If we were falling back into those kinds of people, who were at ease with each other but could still take digs, then I could live with that.

But I was cautious.

With him, I just had to be.

* * *

Before anything could happen, my phone was ringing, and my tablet was blinking with a video call.

Mami was trying to video chat and Susan was calling me.

As bad as it sounded, I picked up Susan's call.

_"Yeah?"_

_"Santana, I'm sorry to involve you but your mother is out of control. She wants to interrogate Brittany before she hands over Izzy and she's on a warpath. I cannot have her mess up the progress that Brittany is trying to make. Brittany is down at the theater right now and your mother wants to squat here until Brittany gets back and I'd rather that not happen."_

_"I'll h-handle it."_

_"Thank you. She's in the living room asking for Brittany, I didn't tell her where she is...I didn't want her to go rogue looking for her. I'm locked in the bedroom."_

_"She is c-calling. J-just go out th-there."_

_"Okay."_

I hung up with Susan, then I sat up in the bed fluffing my hair and fixing my face. Thank God, Q had touched up my face before leaving this morning, knowing that I'd want to look fly in the presence of my ex-husband and ex-wife.

When I answered the video chat, Mami had a scowl on her face as she bounced my screaming son.

_"There you are! Did you answer her call instead of mine?"_

_"Stand...down."_ I said, making sure to focus on every syllable.

_"What?"_

_"Isaac is B-Britt's son. Sh-she only n-needs to ans-answer to ME."_ I growled.

Mami looked shocked that I was ready to attack.

_"I'm trying to protect him, Santana."_

And God, I didn't want to do it, but someone had to knock her down a peg.

_"L-like you pr-protected me? N-no th-thanks. I trust Susan."_

_"Over me?"_

_"Right n-now, yes."_

_"After everything? First you tell me not to come to the hospital this week and now you are choosing another woman over your own mother?"_

_"This is n-not a comp...etition."_

_"You know what, fine, take him you bitch."_ Mami said and then the video chat ended, and I just sat there floored.

Quinn had watered it down, my mother and my family was more than out of control, they had lost their fucking minds.

The machines started blaring and then I felt the pain that came with a seizure and I felt a sob leave me as I rubbed my belly.

 _"Shhh, beba...I'm s-sorry."_ I hiccupped.

Marco stood looked helpless, but Ari was in front of me, wiping my face and rubbing my arms, talking me through my tears. As I calmed, so did the baby and then Dr. Cabot was coming into the room with Dr. Ramirez on her heels.

She did not look undisturbed like yesterday once she was looking at the numbers.

 _"Everyone out."_ She said in this cold voice, _"Take the devices with you."_ She pointed to my tablet that was still clutched in my fist. Ari grabbed it and then kissed my face before having to literally pull Marco from the room.

He looked so panicked...so did Ari.

Then I felt the stickiness on my legs.

I looked down...blood...and my heart dropped.

Fuck...this wasn't good.

* * *

_"You can't continue like this Santana."_ Dr. Cabot was saying. _"We need to get her out."_

 _"N-not without B."_ I said.

 _"We may not have time for her to get here."_ Dr. Ramirez echoed.

 _"Please?"_ I squeaked.

They shared a look and then, pulled the sonogram machine over and she pulled up the stirrups.

_"I need to check on her now and find the source of bleeding that will determine our next move, Vero can you contact Brittany, Santana is not going to be calm until she's here."_

Dr. Ramirez rushed from the room and left me with Dr. Cabot and when I saw that fierce look in her eyes, I knew immediately why I hired her. She was in this to save my baby's life and then mine, like I had wanted.

And by God, she was going to make that happen.

 _"Well?"_ I asked after a moment.

 _"You have a tear in your scar tissue it looks like. Your water is intact."_ She was mumbling to herself and then pushed the probe inside and the baby came up on the screen. She was facing down with her thumb in her mouth. _"Heartbeat is strong."_

Dr. Ramirez came back in as Dr. Cabot left the screen on but was updating my chart.

_"What's the verdict?"_

_"Superficial tear in the scar tissue around the cervix."_

_"No way, that's it?"_

_"Yeah, baby is unaffected."_

Dr. Ramirez gave me a thumb up and nodded.

_"That's good news, Santana. Means you might be able to keep her in a little longer...but we should run a few more tests. I talked to Brittany; she is coming straight here from the theater."_

_"Okay."_ I was silently crying as I watched the baby curling up, she was going to sleep just like she always seemed to do after a seizure and I just wanted to watch her all day long _. "Wh-what's n-ext."_ I asked...rubbing my belly and watching her kick in response...while feeling it. My anxiety calmed a bit after that, and I was able to actually hear my doctors.

Dr. Ramirez came over to the top of the bed and brushed my hair from my face.

"Dr. C, is going to take us to a sterile room, there's an OR down the hall, so that she c _an sew up your cervix."_

_"L-like b-before?"_

_"Yes...then you should be able to have your company but no more than three at time."_

_"W-with I-Isaac?"_

_"Yes."_

* * *

When I was wheeled out into the hallway, there Britt stood looking flushed and nervous.

_"What's going on?"_

I looked to Dr. Cabot and she gestured for Britt to come along.

Seeing her brought back more emotions...more memories.

One in particular was her face when it was time to take out Isaac, that look was similar to the one she had now.

But then we were in the OR and I was being moved onto the table, it was just me, Dr. Cabot, Dr. Ramirez, and Brittany.

 _"Is the baby coming?"_ Britt asked.

 _"N-not yet."_ I said and then held out my hand for her.

 _"Wait...I gotta wash my hands first."_ She moved over to the sink and washed her face and hands while I got situated, then she stood by my side, one hand over my head and the other hand in mine.

_"We are putting a few stitches in her cervix and repairing a tear she has."_

_"Oh, like she had in Lima?"_

_"Yes."_ Dr. Ramirez said.

 _"Dis-distract me."_ I said to B as I looked into those eyes, that carried all the worries and fear that I had.

 _"Um...sure. Frankie is here, she told me she saw you and she told you about offering me a place to stay. I told her that it was a good idea and I have a new therapist, she's super awesome. She has an office full of doctors and there's one that's there she deals with drug recovery and eating disorders."_ I must have flinched because she bit her lip and stopped talking but I smiled at her and nodded, for her to continue. _"She thought, it would be good for us both to see therapists and I know you talked about seeing someone...I have her number if you want it."_

 _"She does!"_ Dr. Ramirez said from the other side of the bed.

I raised my middle finger, and everyone laughed.

_"I do, B."_

_"Awesome."_

I hissed all through the stitches because the local anesthesia was obviously not enough.

_"Is I-Isaac here?"_

_"No, I came straight here, mom is still at the apartment with him and your mom."_

_"W-wait..."_

The machine beeped and Dr. Cabot tsked.

_"No stress talk, Brittany."_

_"Oh, I didn't know...okay um, all of our routines are nearly complete. The script is almost done and there will be a few new songs, but they are waiting for the cast. We are going to start picking them in February. I am still working but I don't have any responsibilities except dancing, Frankie is handling the big stuff, she was going to handle it all but because she's pregnant and I'm not...they still need me to dance, which is okay. It's all I really want anyway."_

Watching Britt ramble on about dance and watching her eyes light up like they used to, gave me more hope than any words from anyone.

She was still in there, MY Brittany.

And I swore right in that moment, I would do everything in my power to make sure she stuck around even if I had to do it as her ex.

Isaac deserved to have her like this and so did this new little baby.

This Brittany was the one I fell in love with and I could feel myself swooning over her.

 _"And done!"_ Dr. Cabot said and I was shocked, watching Britt had distracted from the pain.

She was my home...I could see now why I had trusted her that day...the part of me that loved this version of her, would never think she'd hurt me but just like with Marco, I had to tread lightly.

Feeling hope did not mean feeling trust.

That was still something she'd have to work on, but I was willing if she were able.

* * *

When we got back, the hallway outside of my room was crowded with people and I looked to Dr. Cabot.

_"I-I'm t-trying."_

Before we were in earshot, she said to me and Britt both.

_"Who needs to leave?"_

I hesitated and looked up at B...feeling anxious.

_"Her mother and...I'm not sure...is that Marco?"_

_"I-I want him here."_ I admitted and Britt stopped walking, so Dr. Cabot stopped too.

_"You do? Why?"_

_"Tr-trust me...please, B."_

_"Okay...then, Marco can stay but maybe both our moms should go. They both look like they're ready to fight."_

Dr. Ramirez smirked.

_"Lucky for you guys, I'm off the clock...I think I will take them out for a drink."_

_"Thank you, Doc."_ B said, _"That will make all of this easier."_

Dr. Ramirez walked ahead of us and walked towards the moms, I watched her work her magic as we started moving down the hallway again. Ari saw me first but didn't move or say anything, she just smiled at me.

My heart raced at the calm she was projecting, if Britt was my home, Ari was my church.

I'm not sure which is better, but I know that I need both to survive.

* * *

By the time we got to my room, Mami came over and kissed my face and then made going out with Dr. Ramirez seem like her idea and while Susan seemed unsure she placed my son in Britt's arms and promised to come see me tomorrow.

Once they left, Dr. Cabot asked Ari and Marco to wait a little longer while she got me settled.

I was grateful for the reprieve because I felt so exhausted and could use a moment with Britt and Isaac.

My son was whining when he saw me, reaching for me and calling out for a kiss but then Britt was whispering in his ear and he was giggling. Sure, I had vague memories but seeing her with him up close in the present was a beautiful thing.

They were perfect together with their matching eyes and giggles.

It was like looking at my entire world and I vowed to protect their relationship with my everything.

Having him was keeping her sane and from the sounds of it, I had taken him from her for two whole weeks...and she had become completely unhinged. I wouldn't make that mistake again.

She couldn't rely on our son for her sanity but at the same time, when that was all that she had in this city after our divorce, I could understand her feelings.

Once I was in bed and Dr. Cabot had given me a long list of things that I absolutely was not allowed to do, to eat, or to experience...she was even tabling my physical therapy until after I gave birth. The baby was officially top priority and anything that could jeopardize that, including PT was ending...including overnight visits.

And despite my trepidation about Dr. Cabot when I first woke up, my feelings were beginning to align with the past version of myself. She was the absolute perfect doctor for me because when it was necessary, she took charge like few could when it comes to me.

She reminded me of Brittany and me combined.

Dr. Ramirez had been too close and too lenient on me when I was pregnant with Isaac, so I took advantage. Past Santana didn't want that again. It was the decision of someone fresh out of rehab with a fresh perspective and a determination that I didn't develop yet back in February.

When the doctor left us alone, I felt so much calmer about things and that was exactly what I needed because this was officially, the very first time that I was in a room with just Brittany since she had nearly killed me.

Isaac for all of his presence in the room, didn't count because if things went south, there wasn't much he could do to save me.

But I didn't feel even a measure of nerves.

 _"Are you okay if it's just us for a little bit?"_ Britt asked, looking ready to go grab someone if I felt scared.

_"I am."_

_"I want you to know that no matter what comes next, I love you and I'm going to keep loving you...and if that means that I can't be back in your life as your wife for a long time...that's okay. I will be the best Mama and hopefully, the best friend to you."_

_"T-thanks."_

She put on a show for us and just leaned in close, our pinkies linked...and then our hands.

I was trying to trust and have faith in her.

There was so much I wanted to know about her diagnosis and her medicine...her time without me...but I wouldn't push.

Mami and I differed in our approaches. I couldn't bulldoze through everyone, some people...like Britt needed finesse and patience.

Despite what Sandra thinks, our ages mean nothing...we were as adult as could be...I couldn't manipulate like I had in the past. I had to give the honesty and trust that I wanted in return.

It wasn't long before the crazy morning caught up with me and I fell into a peaceful sleep with Britt holding my hand as she hummed to Isaac.

All seemed right with the world as I cradled my belly with my free hand.

But I have learned, that in my life peace doesn't last long.

* * *

Color me surprised though when I woke up to Marco and Britt quietly having a conversation. Isaac was curled against my side with my arm around him and Ari just on the other side of him next to me.

She was studying and keeping an eye on the exchange that was happening at the foot of my bed.

 _"Before you ask, they've only been talking a few minutes."_ I looked over and Ari was looking back at me with a small smile. _"How are you feeling, sweets?"_

_"Better."_

_"Good. Britt updated us; we won't stay too long. He wanted to talk to her and give you your desperately needed pedicure."_

_"W-well tell him to g-get to w-work and I w-want to k-know wh-what he's s-saying."_ I said, feeling the baby start to stir inside of me. I kept my hands pressed against my belly, trying to stay calm for her and all I got was a few kicks before she relaxed again.

Thank the Lord.

_"Moncho, stop Ana says to get to work and to keep her looped in on this convo."_

Marco looked up at me and rolled his eyes.

Britt shuffled closer to me and rubbed my legs.

I laid there, feeling surrounded by love as Marco began to wash my feet with a warm washcloth that he had waiting in a plastic basin.

 _"Isn't there a Bible story about washing feet?"_ Britt asked and I looked at her, feeling completely thrown.

 _"What?"_ I asked.

_"I've been um...reading your Bible...and taking classes. Cata um...something."_

_"Catechism, Britt."_ Ari said nonchalantly, then looked at me and shrugged. _"She wanted to surprise you. After she got shot, I've been helping her with the Bible and helped her get into classes. She wants to become Catholic like you."_ Ari said, then looked back at her textbook like this was no big deal but this was huge fucking deal.

Brittany S. Pierce was adamant that she didn't believe in God.

This was a complete reversal.

And...well I was shocked.

 _"Yeah, B...th-there is."_ I said and she smiled at me, seeming so proud of herself.

_"I know it's crazy that I changed but after I got shot, things were different. I felt like God saved me that day and I wanted to understand what you believe in...plus it makes me feel like there's more than just this."_

There were tears now and she grinned. _"Hey, don't get worked up, okay...please?"_

I tried to breathe when I felt the baby moving because she was right, I didn't want to get worked up, even if I was feeling everything right now.

 _"So back to our conversation, Brittany...it has come to my attention that you are feeling a little insecure about being a parent to that princess in there."_ He said and then waited for her response.

B looked at me and then my stomach, not bothering to look back at Marco.

_"I love her, I tried not to because I feel like you'll take her but how could I not love her? She's Izzy's sister and half of the woman that I love."_

Marco finished washing my feet and then began to clip my toenails, a look of determination on his face.

Isaac curled tighter against me and then let out a fart and we all smirked.

How is it even that was cute?

 _"Oh God, he farts like a grown man!"_ Ari said as she waved her hand in front of her nose. _"I think he pooped."_

Britt was on her feet and reaching over me pick him up. _"I'm on it."_

She managed to get him changed and back next to me without disturbing his sleep, how could anyone doubt her parenting skills?

The more that I saw of Brittany today, the more I was sure that there was hope for us yet.

* * *

Marco had moved onto rubbing my feet with lotion and Britt was watching him like a hawk, I could see the spark of jealousy there, but it wasn't angry like before. This was something totally different.

It made me smile but then Ari was leaning next to my ear.

 _"She's not whole yet...you have to give her the space."_ I nodded. _"Her commitment is admirable but that person who hurt you is still in there, let her figure that out. Okay?"_

_"Yeah."_

She kissed the side of my face and then went back to her textbook, when I looked back at Britt, she was watching me and I could see it...the little bit of anger and I knew that Ari was right.

 _"Mama?"_ Isaac called and was looking around while rubbing his eyes until he saw B.

_"Hey buddy, I'm right here."_

He held his arms out for her and she picked him back up and cradled him in her arms.

The calm was back, and I thanked God for the reminder that all was not right...not yet.

_"So, I have no plans, Brittany. I can't be a father to her or a parent at all. My past is still catching up with me. I'd rather just become someone she can be proud of and I have a lot of making up to do. I'm not Ian. He held onto Anita; he was hesitant to give up his rights."_

_"How do you know that?"_ Britt asked.

_"Anita told me, she tells me more than she realizes sometimes."_

I shrugged because I probably had.

_"How do I know you won't go back on your word?"_

_"I won't make any claim on her to begin with. You two fill out the birth certificate and leave me out of it. The state of New York doesn't require a father's signature, as long as the birth mother approves, any consenting adult can be listed as a second parent. Which means that even though you are divorced, you can be the second parent officially."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"I am. That's why I'm here, other than correcting this one's feet...I wanted to assure you that I'm not standing in the way."_

_"Thank you."_

_"I just have one ask."_ He said and I rolled my eyes and pulled my feet up.

 _"R-really?"_ I said and he nodded.

_"Just one."_

I wanted to argue but Britt put a hand back on my thigh and looked at Marco.

_"Name it."_

_"That no matter where your head is, you never ever put Santana or those kids in danger. Promise me."_ He looked murderous and I should have known it would come down to this.

Britt didn't even flinch or hesitate.

_"I promise. I swear, that will NEVER happen again."_

_"Good. She doesn't need another monster in her life. Once was enough."_ Then he reached for my feet and pulled them back towards him and I let him. _"Now, I'm going to finish up, so you guys can have some family time before your doctors kick us all out."_


	24. Grieving (Kehlani feat. James Blake)

When Marco and Ari left around dinner time, all seemed to be well, but I can't say that I didn't have a sense of dread. Seeing that spark of anger in Britt when Ari leaned in and kissed my lips, not knowing that I hadn't really had a full out discussion of what we were with B, worried me.

Once the door was closed and Isaac was sitting in between my legs staring at Elmo on my tablet, Britt turned towards me and swiftly reminded me that all was not well.

 _"Can you not rub her in my face?"_ She said and I felt my happy mood nearly disappear.

_"I'm n-not."_

_"You are and I get it, you moved on, but it hurts to watch."_

_"W-we are d-divorced...n-not that I r-remember our m-marriage too w-well but still..."_

_"It was a disaster. We were never on the same page. I was hardly ever level and you were flirting with everything that moved."_

_"Low b-blow. I'm s-sure th-that's n-not how it w-went."_

_"If you say so, look, I don't want to fight, especially not with Izzy here. It's just a lot to take in, so much has happened and I'm still processing. I'm violating my probation just being here with you and I know there's a line that I can't cross, I am going to keep my word. If I act up, I go to jail. You can be with whoever you want, I just need you to promise me that I get to be on her birth certificate."_

_"W-why?"_

_"What? You were basically begging me to be her parent and now you're questioning me?"_

_"T-that was old me. T-this me, w-wants to know w-why you c-care?"_

_"I love her and you and Izzy. I want to be a family."_

_"H-how if we were a dis-disaster? Y-you hurt me."_

The anger that had been brewing in her eyes dissipated after that, especially when Isaac started to whine.

 _"I wasn't myself; I broke and I'm so fucking sorry...okay?"_ She was closer now, her hands in fists at her sides and her face insanely red as she spoke through gritted teeth. _"I know it's hard for you to move past it when you're still feeling the aftereffects but damn, I'm trying."_ She had tears in her eyes as she reached for Isaac, but he shook his head. _"Come on buddy, we are going home."_

 _"Mama...no...mama...no."_ Isaac whined and then turned away from the tablet and buried his face against my stomach. I rubbed his back and kissed his head.

 _"Shhh...Mami's h-here, Papa."_ His little body shook against me and I glared at B.

 _"Call your mom. NOW."_ I said, grateful for how clearly my demand came out. _"Y-you are in no con-condition to take h-him."_

_"I'm not going to hurt you or him."_

_"Call."_ I said and she backed down.

I held my son's shaking body against me and could feel my own tears burning against my face as I listened to her end of the conversation.

 _"Mom, can you come get Izzy...what, no...she's sitting right here...no...no...I swear, mom. Please?"_ She groaned and then handed the phone to me. _"She wants to talk to you."_

 _"Hi, M-mom."_ I said and Britt glared at me. If this is even a fraction of what she was like before the coma, God, how had I felt safe being in that house alone with her?

_"Santana, are you okay?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Did you ask her to call me? You need me to come there?"_

_"I did, it w-would be better than the al-alternative."_ I said and Britt's glare turned to a snarl.

 _"I'm not going to hurt anyone! What the fuck!"_ She snapped at me and then Isaac was crying louder with his head thrown back as he hugged me tight. It felt like he was trying to protect me and that shouldn't be something he feels the need to do at barely one year old.

_"We are in the cab. Veronica is messaging Dr. Cabot as we speak. We will be there shortly. Do you want me to stay on the phone?"_

_"Um...no..."_ I said as I tried to soothe Isaac.

Britt had walked across the room now and was bent over with her hands on her knees as she stared at the floor.

_"You sound uncertain, I'm going to stay on until Dr. Cabot gets to you."_

_"Okay."_

I could feel it happening, the stirring in my stomach, I looked at the monitors and watched the baby's heart rate climb. _"B?"_ I called to her and she didn't move. _"B!"_ I screamed as I felt the pain coming.

My body began to shake as the alarms went off and then I heard the scuff of her sneakers, then there was a ringing in my ears as I was turned to my side. Isaac was gone from the bed and now there were more voices in the room.

Everything was fuzzy and drowned out, I squeezed my eyes shut as the headache came.

Then I was floating...calm...collected.

Peaceful.

* * *

Waking up, felt a lot like the first time, a tube down my throat and a fogginess in my head.

There was more beeping, and my first instinct was to feel my stomach, feel for her. My hands rested on my stomach which was somehow bigger and lower than before. I pressed and got a few kicks right back.

She was still there.

I felt the tears but didn't let myself get too worked up.

As my vision cleared a bit, I could see that I wasn't in the same room as before. This room was glass on three sides with curtains halfway through the two side walls. I was in the ICU, that much was clear but for how long this time?

I locked eyes with the person at reception and she smiled at me before picking up the phone and calling someone.

My bet was on Dr. Cabot...and I was right...two minutes later with another doctor in lockstep with her, came Dr. C looking older somehow.

The glass door slid open after she put on a mask and gloves.

_"Hi Santana, Dr. Fuentes is going to take that tube out, you've done this before...it will be uncomfortable...yadda yadda."_

I nodded and then he went to work, and it was just as nauseating as the first time. Once he had it out, he shined a light down my throat and then into my eyes.

 _"State your name."_ He said.

_"Santana Lo...pez."_

_"Wh-what month is it?"_

_"Dec-cember."_

_"Good. What is the sex of your baby?"_

_"G-girl."_

_"Okay, you don't seem to have any memory loss of recent events. That's a positive sign. Can you tell me your son's name?"_

_"I-Isaac."_

_"And how old are you?"_

_"N-nineteen."_

_"Long term memory seems to be intact as well. Are you ready to hear the rundown?"_

_"Yes."_

_"You've suffered a seizure and a cardiac episode, Ms. Lopez and it's a good sign that you are able to speak to me today. Once the baby arrives, we will give you a full workup to locate the source of these episodes. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

I could feel it in my gut, that this was the event that Dr. Cabot was worried about when she had tried to convince me to give birth. This time though, I was ready. We couldn't keep going like this.

Dr. Fuentes left and Dr. Cabot flicked a switch that turned all the walls to an opaque white color...I knew what came next, an exam.

 _"Dr. R-Ramirez?"_ I asked.

_"She had to go back to Lima, there was a patient emergency, but she asked me to update her once you were awake."_

_"H-How long?"_ I asked.

_"Just over a day, I got to you in time and was able to intervene. Your family got here shortly after we stabilized you, soon after I got you stable, you had a heart attack. It was all very terrifying, but we moved you up here to isolate your body from any outside infections. I want to check in on the baby and then you have a profoundly serious decision to make."_

_"It's time?"_ I asked.

_"Your body has been through hell and there's no telling what effect that has had on your daughter. The NICU here is one of the best in the country, she will be in good hands and so will you."_

_"Okay, do it."_

She smiled and nodded.

_"Good, I'm glad I didn't have to strongarm you, we want to make sure you are stable before we take you in. Your heart is not strong enough for natural labor, so unfortunately a cesarean is going to be your only option."_

_"Okay, do it."_

_"Once you are stable and we can take you down to the maternity floor...I want you to call whoever you need to call to be with you during your delivery...just one person, I don't want you to be alone in that room."_

A few faces flashed through my mind, B...Ari...Quinn...Mami...even Marco but I was unsure of who I wanted there.

She gave me a smile and then showed just a bit of the familiarity that Dr. Ramirez was known for.

_"No matter who you choose, it's going to be one of the best days of your life and the person by your side won't matter...all that will matter is making sure that you and her are both safe and alive."_

_"Ok."_

* * *

I got cleared to leave the ICU by dinner time and was due to head back to my old room in the morning. My body wasn't strong enough just yet to go through a cesarean, but Dr. Cabot was sure that by early next week it would be time, which worked for me. Even though it would be cute to have a Christmas baby, I wanted her to have her own day.

Once the exam was complete, I was on strict orders to rest and I didn't put up a fight.

I was tired.

That night, with my head still buzzing and my eyesight terrible, I finally managed to get Dr. Cabot to give me my phone.

I had a bunch of messages wishing me well but there was really only one person I wanted to talk to.

**_Surprise, bitch, I'm awake-San_ **

**_I just choked on my wine!-Q_ **

**_I have a huge decision to make, when can you come?-San_ **

**_Wanky, I just did!-Q_ **

**_Ewww, I'd like not to think of my sister like that. #gag-San_ **

**_Wasn't your sister ;) Just me and my hand tonight-Q_ **

**_Oh. Been there. Still in ICU, come see me in the morning if you don't have class?-San_ **

**_Winter break, only plan is sleep.-Q_ **

**_Come spend the day with me?-San_ **

**_You got it babe-Q_ **

**_Just one request...it's a big one.-San_ **

**_Anything.-Q_ **

**_Don't tell anyone I'm awake. Not yet-San_ **

**_Oh. They've all been circling. Your doctor hasn't updated anyone but your mom since she's your Medical POA-Q_ **

**_That's exactly who I didn't want to know, since when did she become that?-San_ **

**_Since your divorce from Marco, it was never B. You can change it at any time though-Q_ **

**_Can I change it to you?-San_ **

**_If you're serious about it, then yes. I'll do it.-Q_ **

**_Thank you! Thank you!-San_ **

* * *

I felt shaky as I brought a spoonful of lukewarm soup to my lips. My throat was still raw from the breathing tube but at least I was awake and alert.

My phone chimed.

When I looked over, I saw that it was from Sal.

**_Got a minute?-Salvatore_ **

**_Yes, talk to me-Santana_ **

**_Just finished setting up the scholarship fund with Columbia, CUNY, and NYU, thought it wouldn't feel so targeted if we did it that way.-Salvatore_ **

**_Did you make sure to let them know that the award recipient at Columbia was already selected for the school year?-Santana_ **

**_Yes, I have set it up 250k per student after completion of a successful first semester.-Salvatore_ **

**_So, in total, 1M a year, will we be able to deduct this?-Santana_ **

**_Absolutely, you'll get a tax break, but I know that wasn't the first thing on your mind initially, something change?-Salvatore_ **

**_No. Just being thorough. When will she find out?-Santana_ **

**_She will be notified in the morning, as will your other three recipients. Parameters, achieving 3.4 or higher, overcoming adversity, community service, and pursuing medicine, law, or a specialty.-Salvatore_ **

**_Perfect! Did the other schools find the right people?-Santana_ **

**_Yes. Two POCs to boot.-Salvatore_ **

**_Even better! What did you name the award?-Santana_ **

**_S.L.A.M Award, Aka Santana Lopez & Aden Matos award.-Salvatore._ **

**_Mami's maiden last name, genius. What are you telling them that S.L.A.M stands for?-Santana_ **

**_Specialty, Law, and Medicine.-Salvatore_ **

The door slid open and Dr. Cabot had her head down, staring at her tablet but then cleared her throat when I finished sending my message to Sal.

**_Thanks, Sal. Gotta go. Send the courier this week please!-Santana_ **

I looked at my doctor and ignored the chime of my phone that was likely just Sal saying goodnight.

_"So, there's a shortage of beds in the ICU as of tonight, your room is ready so an orderly will be here shortly to get you moved back to your room."_

_"Okay."_

_"How are you feeling?"_

_"Sh-shaky and tired."_

_"That's to be understood. I hope that you're limiting your phone usage, to give your brain a rest?"_

_"Yes. D-did y-you tell an-anyone I w-woke up?"_

_"I know it's my job to do that, however the amount of stress that has come from your mother has exacerbated the situation. I wanted to give you a full day of rest before I notified her. I hope that's alright."_

_"Fine. I-I want to c-change my med-POA."_

Her eyes went wide.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Y-yes. I w-want Quinn."_

_"Okay, I can see if we have the forms on hand. I just need your signature and hers."_

_"I-I w-will sign, t-today."_

_"Okay, I'll go track down your file and I will meet you in your room with a sonogram machine and the paperwork. Is there anyway, you can convince her to come down now? Without her signature, I would still be obligated to tell Gladys."_

_"Yes."_

_"Well, finish eating, text Quinn and I'll see you in a bit."_

I finished dinner and convinced Q to come down asap before closing my eyes to rest.

The sleep came fast and didn't let me go, even though I could feel my body cruising as they moved me down the maternity ward. I knew that opening my eyes would make me dizzy, so I kept them closed as I listened to Dr. Cabot murmuring to herself.

_"How ya feeling, Santana?"_

_"Tired."_ I said, rubbing at my belly, my eyes still closed. I felt the drop of the elevator and the soup in my stomach swirled. _"N-nauseous."_

I could hear the sound of new babies crying and women moaning. Soon that would be me...at least the new baby part, I had yet to experience real labor and it seemed that wasn't in the cards for me.

* * *

Once I was docked in my room, I finally opened my eyes even with knowing that throwing up was a real possibility, I wanted to stay awake for every moment...especially since the plan was to check in on my little girl.

There was knock on the door and then Quinn poked her head in.

_"Can I enter?"_

_"Please."_ I said and she smiled wide.

When Q was by my side, I felt calm in a way that was entirely different than Ari or what used to be with Britt, with her I felt that protection that she always provided. She kissed my forehead and then leaned close to my ear while Dr. Cabot got to work setting up the machine.

_"I brought you a change of clothes and your favorite shampoo...and some nail polish for your fingernails. I saw you had been biting them again."_

I looked at my nails and saw the ridged edges, it had been what I did while reading the more stressful parts of my journals, I didn't think anyone had noticed. I used to hate the habit but then I had to stop smoking and my brain was treacherous these days.

_"Thanks."_

_"Hey, Ms. Fabray, you're not giving her any stressful news are you?"_ Dr. Cabot said with a raised eyebrow.

_"Definitely not. Just wanted to give her a manicure...if I'm allowed to stay for a bit, that is?"_

_"As long as you don't stress her out, you can stay. Once we get through this exam, I have the change of POA paperwork ready for you to sign."_

_"Great!"_ She smiled and then pulled up a chair to the side of the bed, probably feeling the ache in her thigh that still bothered her from her leg break and then I remembered...the way she hurtled from the top of the pyramid, the way that Sue screamed and the way she ate pudding when she was high on pain meds.

 _"Y-your leg...d-does it hurt?"_ I asked and she looked surprised.

_"It does, wait...did you just remember that day?"_

_"Yes."_

_"That was a crazy time, do you remember just that or anything before?"_

_"The fall and t-then v-visiting you a-at the hosp-hospital."_

She nodded and I knew that more had happened, but she wasn't supposed to be stressing me and from the look on her face, whatever happened before the break had been really bad.

 _"That's more than enough remembering, San...oh look, the baby!"_ She said, diverting my attention to the screen.

_"Her heart is strong, not as fast as before your seizure, her movements are slower now that she has dropped which is normal...at this rate, if you stay relatively calm...she could be here in a few days."_

_"What?"_ Q said, sounding shocked. _"But Santana isn't due for at least four more weeks."_

I grabbed Q's hand and squeezed.

_"Be c-calm."_

_"I am...just...you asked me to come tonight and didn't say why other than needing me to sign papers. There's more, isn't there?"_

I nodded to Dr. Cabot and then watched my daughter move about on the screen.

There were tears and then I was remembering more...the way that Dr. Ramirez had told Britt about my gestational diabetes and my blood pressure. The disappointment on her face...the way I begged her to go with me that day...then more, checking my sugar everyday, the insulin needles I hated because they reminded me of my heroine overdose. The way that Britt was with me at the hospital, the way that I disappointed Britt again and again...the awe on her face when she realized it was a girl...then the anger. It was all scrambled and it made my head hurt. And then I began to sob, and the machine flared to life for a split second before it stopped.

_"Santana, sweetheart, it's going to be okay."_

_"I'm ok."_ I said, pushing down the overwhelming feelings and focusing on my daughter...and only my daughter.

 _"So, when can I sign?"_ Q asked trying to change the subject.

Dr. Cabot completed my exam and then updated my chart before grabbing her tablet. She had the DocuSign papers up and then put it on the side table before swinging it to rest in front of me.

I wiped my face and then sat up, feeling a pinch in my side. Like Marco had taught me, I read over the paperwork and then signed my name before pushing the tablet towards Q.

She read the same document and then her finger hovered.

_"You're sure?"_

_"I am."_

She nodded and then her looping signature was below mine.

_"Alright, it's official, I'll forward these to Sal. Are you staying the night, Quinn?"_

_"If that's alright, can you find me a cot or something, I'm nervous to be up there with her."_

_"Absolutely, I'll have one sent in. If you plan to help her shower, you know the protocol...she must use the wheelchair and have limited time on her feet."_

_"Will, do thanks, Doctor Cabot."_

_"If you need anything, just let me know. I'm on until midnight."_

_"R-right h-here too."_ I grumbled.

They both chuckled and then Dr. Cabot printed out the sonogram and handed me the pictures.

I sat staring at my daughter's 3D image, seeing the shape of my own face and nose was trippy.

_"She's your twin...God help us all." Q said._

_"I-I know."_

* * *

After Quinn got me washed up and ran a brush through my hair until it was tangle free, she helped me into bed and then settled on the cot that had been put right next to it. Even though the room was only lit by the overhead lamp above my bed, she sat up alert like it was midday.

 _"Tell me."_ I said.

_"What, exactly? I don't want to get your pressure up."_

_"All of it. Just h-hold my hand."_ She leaned forward and took my hand in hers and began tracing her fingers over my palm. It calmed me to watch her as she told me everything that I had missed.

_"Stop me if it's too much."_

_"Ok."_

_"So, Britt told me about the other day, I missed a lot apparently. Your seizure really scared her; it was a real wake up call for her that what she did to you was something you're very much still paying for. She's headed back to the psych ward. Instead of two and a half days, she's going to be there all week. Your mom took Isaac back and is being a bitch about letting anyone outside the family see him. Susan left for Lima last night, she's coming back with Court and Rob on Christmas Eve. I invited them all to stay at the house...well not B, but her family, is that okay?"_

She looked up for my approval and I nodded. The baby was stirring but I hummed and rubbed my stomach, she settled again, thankfully. I looked over at the monitors...mine and then hers. We were level...thank God.

_"Th-that's good."_

_"I just don't know what to do about your mom."_

_"N-nothing. I w-won't f-fight her over my s-son. N-not yet."_

_"Since when did you become patient?"_

_"Learned it f-from you."_

_"Aww!"_

_"J-just wanna be h-home."_ I said to her as I curled up on my side.

_"Well, I have been busy in your nursery because I've been all alone in that house lately with all this fighting I've been doing with Ceily. I hope you don't mind."_

_"Pics?"_ I asked.

She pulled out her phone and then showed me the nursery at the house...a room I didn't even remember, until I saw it.

The crib that Nico had bought Isaac sat off to the side, there was a second crib next to it with purple sheets and a teddy bear. The the walls had black and white wallpaper and there were bookshelves now. Memories flooded my mind...moving into the house...making the nursery Isaac's happy place. Filling it with Elmo and light show night lights. The treatments I would give him daily as he adjusted to the house but then instead of the room, I was seeing those eyes.

 _"You okay?"_ She asked, as she lowered the phone and moved as close to my bed as she could without falling off her own. _"It's too much?"_ She was looking at my monitors now and then back at me. _"Breathe, San...the numbers are getting higher not as high as they have been, but they are slowly climbing. Breathe, honey."_ She whispered and then leaned in and pressed a kiss to my lips.

The kiss brought me back to myself and I calmed, pulling back, and wiping at my face.

 _"Ian. He l-loved me, so much."_ I whispered.

_"Yeah he did."_

_"H-he wanted her to h-have that n-name."_

_"Daniel."_ She said.

 _"Daniela."_ I said clearly and then felt the baby kick softly.

Quinn smiled. _"I guess she approves."_

_"Wh-what's it m-mean?"_

I watched as she scrolled through her phone. Then she smiled.

_"Fitting for a child of Marco and Santana Lopez, it means only God is my judge...or in present terms only God can judge me."_

I grinned.

_"P-perfect...what about me a-and Marco?"_

_"Your name meanings?"_ She asked and I nodded. _"Oh, I like this game, will it help get your mind calm?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay, let's start with you. Follower of St. Anna or Anne, she's the patron saint of unmarried women and wannabe mother's. She was the mother of the virgin Mary."_

_"Weird."_ I said.

 _"Let's see, Marco means warlike, how fitting."_ She rolled her eyes. _"And Brittany means...oh boring just from Britain but Susan means lily flower."_

I smiled when Britt had once told me those were the lesbian of flowers.

 _"Ian?"_ I asked.

She scrolled and then smiled, _"God is gracious."_ She said all breathy, then she was scrolling again, _"And I'm wisdom and intelligence, how fitting."_ She smirked but I rolled my eyes.

 _"Lu-cille."_ I said and she glared but then she brightened up.

 _"Light...look at that I am a light of wisdom in your life oh lover of the grandma of Jesus. Your sister though, her name means...heaven. Yeah, when she doesn't have her head up her own ass, she can be like heaven, I could say the same about you come to think of it."_ I stuck out my tongue and then said the next name that came to mind.

_"Ari."_

_"Wow, hers fits better than mine or Marco's...it means very holy."_

I swooned and then yawned. My sadness had passed, and I just reached out my hand again once she had put her phone next to mine to charge.

_"From what Ceily told me, she and Sandra plan to come visit you tomorrow. They don't know you're awake though...so rest and enjoy some peace while you have it."_

_"Night, baby girl."_ I whispered.

_"Night, honey bun."_

* * *

_"You're kidding?!"_ I woke up to Quinn's voice, which was usually breathy and low but was now much higher, and breathless. _"Is this for real?"_

I opened my eyes and watched her get the news of the scholarship, she caught my eyes and was grinning, her eyes wide. 250k would be enough to cover the rest of her college expenses. She wouldn't have to work or worry about a thing.

 _"What?"_ I asked and she held up a finger.

 _"So, I just need to keep my grades up and graduate, that's it? Well who are these people? No names? Just SLAM...that's weird. You're sure it's legit though? Right, okay, well thank you so much. I'll see you next semester."_ She put her phone down and squealed. _"I just got the most amazing scholarship, San...I was so worried about needing to take out loans next year since Russell was only covering my freshman year and now...shit. Can I hug you?"_

I held my arms open and she wrapped her arms around me, burying her face against my neck. There was wetness as she cried and then she pulled back and looked me in the eyes.

 _"This is so dope, Q."_ I said and she wiped at her face.

_"You did this, I know it."_

_"What?"_ I said.

_"Santana, you have never been able to lie to me. I know this was you and I know that you know I wouldn't have taken this money any other way, but you paid it directly to the school. You made sure I couldn't give it back. Thank you for this, I'm going to repay you."_

_"No idea wh-what you're talking about."_ I said and she rolled her eyes.

_"Fine, you don't want to claim it. I won't push...just know that I plan to get your money's worth. I'll become super involved; you name it. I'll do it."_

_"Um...okay."_

_"Oh God, thank you, thank you!"_ She said again, hugging me so tight. _"I love you so fucking much."_

 _"I love you, too."_ I said rubbing her back as she cried against my shoulder.

When Dr. Cabot came in following my breakfast in, she looked worried.

_"Is everything alright?"_

Quinn pulled away and smiled.

_"These are happy tears; I just got a scholarship that's going to pay my way through Columbia!"_

Dr. Cabot grinned and nodded. _"As a future doctor, you are going to be so grateful for this. I'm still paying off med school."_

_"Yikes."_

_"Hey now, I'm only 40."_ Quinn laughed and then sat down on her cot, knowing that this baby needed to be first in this moment. _"So, your first night went well and your numbers from your morning vitals are spectacular. Have you given any thought to who you'd want in the delivery room?"_

 _"Q."_ I said and then I watched Quinn's face light up. Christmas had come early for her today.

_"I'd love that, I guess that means I need to be on standby for the next few days?"_

_"Actually, I consulted with Dr. Fuentes, the cardiologist on call, and with Dr. Ramirez. We'd like to get her out today."_

_"How did you get to that conclusion?"_ Q asked as she felt the tremble in my hand that she was holding. I was trying to be calm.

_"Dr. Fuentes is the neuro God of this place and he wants to find the source of Santana's seizures before it gets worse, he can't do that with her being pregnant. The cardiologist is also the chief, he said that when it comes to matters of the heart, waiting can make matters worse. The medicines that can help Santana would hurt the baby. Her numbers since her seizure and cardiac arrest have been level and non-problematic. The pattern of the baby's seizures seems to be every three days or so, Today would be day three. We'd like to be able to treat her if the pattern persists."_

All I could think was that there was a cardiologist that I trusted above all others and I wouldn't do anything until I had her opinion.

 _"Mari."_ I said to Q. _"Please."_

Dr. Cabot raised an eyebrow.

_"She wants a second cardiologist opinion from her sister."_

_"Oh, I didn't know you had a cardiologist in the family...if that would help to calm your fears, by all means give me her information and I'll get in contact with her immediately."_

* * *

Quinn got showered and dressed while I ate breakfast, thankfully visiting hours hadn't started yet because I was feeling exhausted, the idea that my baby could potentially be here today had me feeling anxious. Now that I was presented with the probability, my heart still wanted Britt to be there for the birth of our child. Even now, after everything, I couldn't imagine raising a baby with anyone else.

I missed her and what we were working towards before the world fell apart. Seeing Isaac with her just reminded me that she was good at this mom thing, I had my memories back but was scared shitless about being a mom again.

And while Quinn would be there, she'd done this before naturally and knew what I was feeling, she wasn't B.

 _"You're crying, what, is the food that bad?"_ Q asked as she came into the room looking as beautiful, as ever.

 _"I m-miss her."_ I admitted and she nodded.

_"It's okay that you want her here, it makes sense. No matter what has gone on between you two, she's always been there for Isaac. She always refers to this as her baby too, her talk with Marco seems to have encouraged her to be here but even if she could be, she's not even in New York. She's in Ohio...she's in treatment there."_

My heart fell.

_"Oh."_

_"Yeah, I will record what they let me and make sure that she sees it when she gets her phone back. I can even call Susan before we go in."_

_"Okay."_

_"Sorry she can't be here."_

_"Me too."_

_"I'm here though."_

I smiled at her and opened my arms up. She hugged me again, this time without tears.

_"Th-thanks Q."_

* * *

I took a nap after I ate, Q tried to get me to eat more because if I was going under they weren't going to let me eat after a certain time, but I just wanted to rest. I cradled my belly and tried not to get worked up...sleeping was the only way.

But then Britt was in my dreams. Over and over, I kept remembering how she held me at cheer camp. My mind kept cycling through our relationship and then I was in the diner. I was seeing Mr. Evans...I was alerting Nico...I was seeing Carmen pregnant trying to stop the blood.

I was seeing Britt in a puddle of her own blood and she was asking if I was okay.

Those eyes.

Over and over they looked at me.

The feelings were overwhelming, I could tell I was asleep, I could feel the need to weep in my dreams.

It was like I was grieving our relationship...the death of what we had.

Voices broke through my tears and then a cool hand was touching my face...when I opened my eyes another set of blue eyes was looking at me.

 _"Su-Mom."_ I said to Susan and she smiled.

_"You were whimpering, are you okay?"_

_"Q, s-said..."_ I tried to get my thoughts together.

_"I did, we went to Ohio yesterday to check in Brittany and she refused. Her gut told her she needed to be here...so...she's in the hallway waiting because I wanted to make sure you were okay with her even being here."_

Relief filled me.

 _"Yes. Please."_ I said, tears coming more.

Susan nodded and then waved at the window in the door.

Quinn came in with Britt right behind her.

 _"Q told me...I'm so sorry baby."_ Britt said as she stood next to her mom.

This just seemed unreal.

Seriously, was this happening.

My head hurt so much, and I pressed my hands to it...I waited for the machines to flare but nothing came...just an overwhelming heat.

 _"Britt."_ I called out as I faded to darkness again.

* * *

I woke up in my dream world, this time in my house staring up at the chandelier in my guest room.

 _"Hey."_ Called a voice that I had long forgotten.

Then I sat up and saw those eyes.

My voice returned to me.

 _"You're supposed to be dead you jerkface."_ I said to Ian and he laughed.

_"Well I am."_

_"Wait, did I die? Is that what this is?"_

_"No, you're very much alive, I can only see you like this though."_

_"What's wrong with me?"_

_"Your heart is tired...so is your mind."_

_"I'm naming her after your Da, like you asked."_

_"I know, thank you. I wish I could be there to hold her."_

_"Me too...I miss you so much Papa Bear."_

_"You have me in our little Squish. When you're better, give him a million kisses and hugs from me, okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"I love you, Santana."_

_"Wait, should I trust her?"_

_"You already do, you never stopped, that's been your biggest blind spot."_

_"So, you're saying don't?"_

_"I'm saying follow your gut. You know her better but that's not why I'm here."_

_"Then why?"_

_"Santana, I can't tell you what's coming but I can say that you need to fight like hell. Do you understand?"_

_"Don't I always?"_

_"No, you don't. There's going to be dark moments and I need you to know that with death, there's always a fork in the road. A moment that can decide if it's your time or not. Sometimes you get several moments, this is me telling you if you don't fight, you die."_

_"What? Haven't I been through enough?"_

_"I know, Mami but if you fight, there's so much good coming...you can't even imagine. So, fight like hell. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"I love you."_ He said kissing my face and then I was hit with a burst of air and noise from all sides.

* * *

I was floating again but this time the water was just cradling me, the coolness lapping at my body as I moved with the current. I looked up at the stars and they twinkled so bright, like it was just for me.

When I opened my eyes again, it was dark outside and I was cramping, my stomach feeling like it was having its own Earthquake. I put my hands to my stomach and felt little kicks, the cramping wasn't her.

I looked around and there stood Britt facing the window with headphones on, as she danced. A throat cleared from the other side of my bed and I didn't feel irritation, just security that I wasn't alone with B. Quinn sat on her cot, pouring over a textbook even though it was supposed to be her winter break.

 _"How was your nap?"_ She asked quietly.

 _"S-saw Ian."_ I said.

_"Did you?"_

_"Mmmhmm."_

_"You fainted, despite what the cardiologist thought, your heart was not ready for a cesarean. Not yet. Mari is on her way; she was already headed to New York for the holidays. You've been asleep for about six hours. Dr. C, thinks your body just needed the rest."_

_"It did."_

_"Dr. C says that if you want Britt in the room, it's okay to change your mind."_

_"Y-you sure?"_

_"Yes, she came back to New York for you two. I'm still angry about so much when it comes to her but when it comes to your babies, that's their Mama and she's a good one...she should be there. I'm not offended."_

_"Th-thanks."_

_"Say less, San."_

* * *

Turns out the pain I was feeling were contractions.

Not Braxton Hicks...real, honest to God contractions. I was in labor and the moment that Dr. Cabot realized it, she was hovering, but she wouldn't say why she looked nervous. The last thing you want is for your doctor to look nervous.

That did not instill confidence.

Quinn and Britt were allowed to stay in the room with me.

But I couldn't walk around, it seemed Dr. Cabot wanted to slow my labor down instead of speed it up.

My heart was the reason. When Damariz walked into my room half an hour after the contractions got closer together...Dr. Cabot let out a breath. My sister wasn't allowed to treat me, but she still came in there and read through my charts and then began to make demands.

I didn't actually talk to her until she had all of my doctors in one room. Britt fed me ice chips and Quinn murmured sweet and calming things to me as I watched my sister out in the hall dressing down all of the doctors, waving my file in front of her, pointing at things. Then there was Sal...her usually silent husband who was a heart surgeon, he was saying things.

_"The contractions are getting closer, how are you feeling?"_

_"Tired."_ I whimpered. _"H-hungry."_

 _"Do you want me to go get Dr. Cabot?"_ Q asked but I shook my head as another contraction hit and then I felt hot and couldn't breathe and the machines flared.

The door banged open and my sister was in front of everyone else.

 _"Fix it!"_ She yelled and the machines were turned off, I was being readjusted, examined while my sister rubbed my head and kissed my forehead. She told me not to worry, that they'd do everything they should have been doing.

And she was right because shortly after my exam Dr. Cabot went into beast mode.

_"We need to prep the OR; the baby is in distress."_

Everything was a whirlwind after that.

Britt suited up in scrubs and I was wheeled down the hall. I had on a heart monitor and an oxygen mask as they prepped me. I was fighting like hell not to cry because I was sure that I wouldn't be able to stop once I started.

Ocean eyes looked back at me, Britt's face was inches from mine, closer than we had been since she'd choked me. Right now, though her hands were caressing my face.

 _"You're so strong, baby. It's going to be okay, I'm here...and I will spend the rest of my life making things up to you."_ I wanted to talk but I couldn't. _"Just breathe and I will be here to handle the rest."_

Unlike the first time that I gave birth where I didn't want to know what was going on since I was so busy being guilty for dumb shit, this time I was living off of every word Britt said.

 _"You're all numbed up, they are about to cut you"_ I nodded and then Dr. Cabot was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear her, my ears were solely trained on B. A nurse dabbed sweat off my face and another watched the heart monitor. Then I felt pressure...Britt was biting her lip and rubbing my head as she watched. _"Okay, they're going in. Wow, Dr. C is a pro, she's got her head now and she has so much hair...wow...wait...uh what's happening doc?"_

_"Just clearing her passages...almost there."_

Britt's face went from nervous to awe as she watched and then a loud cry pierced the air.

 _"Brittany, do you want to cut the cord?"_ Dr. Cabot asked and B looked at me, I just nodded. There was movement and shuffling of feet as I stared up at the ceiling. My mind kept going back to the first time when they wouldn't let us see the baby and then how I passed out.

This time, when I felt the sway of my body, I fought. Ian's words came to me and I inhaled the oxygen, the minutes between Britt leaving my side to see the baby and me seeing her again felt infinite.

But then she was coming back with tears in her eyes and big smile on her face, the baby wrapped up and tucked in her arms.

 _"They're cleaning you up, I thought you'd want to see her."_ I nodded and Britt put the baby's face next to mine. I wanted to smell her and kiss her but the mask was in the way. Just being able to at least feel her there, against me made the need to fight stronger. _"She's so beautiful. I swear that everything I have and everything I am is for the three of you. I'll tattoo it on my face in neon pink if I have to. Always and only you three."_ Britt said before pressing a kiss to the baby's shoulder.

And just like that at 19, I was a mother of two and I only felt love.

So much love.


	25. Isn't She Lovely (Stevie Wonder)

After being sewn up and given an EKG to make sure my heart was okay, I was wheeled to my room feeling like I could sleep forever. Dr. Cabot and Britt had gone off with the baby before they closed me up, so when I was headed to my room without a baby in my arms it gave me an extreme case of deja vu.

The emotions were bubbling below the surface, but I still had on an oxygen mask that was reminding me that this time was different.

I wasn't in trouble and there would be no social worker hovering.

When I got to the room, there sat Britt and Mari, waiting with smiles on their faces.

Yeah, this time was definitely different.

Britt could see the worry on my face and stood up, just behind the nurses who were setting me back up.

 _"Does she still need that mask?"_ She asked the room and my sister came through once again.

_"She should be in the clear, Britt, they just need to do a vital check before they take it off...sit a little longer."_

I watched Britt sit with my sister, who immediately took her hand.

Not once since I had been awake had I seen my sister, so I wasn't sure what her take on all of this was but I should have known, she is a doctor and if anyone is clued in on the effects of a mental illness...it was her.

Maybe she had moved past anger...or maybe she was just putting it aside for me?

Like Mari had said, the nurses were checking my vitals and then Dr. Fuentes came into the room and did another check to make sure I was coherent.

Finally, he gave the all clear for the mask to come off of my face.

 _"Any questions?"_ He asked me and then looked at my sister.

 _"C-can I see her?"_ I asked and his face softened.

_"Of course, she's getting some tests right now, but Dr. Cabot will bring her right down as soon as she's done."_

_"Do I-I need t-tests?"_ I was getting anxious and I think it was evident by the way I was practically glaring at him; they had insisted that I needed to give birth and now it seemed like a waiting game.

Then again, the baby had been in distress...calm down Lopez.

 _"Yes, I have been bumped to second in line though. The head of cardio is in surgery and will be the one consulting on your case at the request of your sister, unless you disagree."_ He raised an eyebrow, but I didn't hesitate.

_"Ok."_

_"Why didn't they let Brittany go upstairs with Dr. Cabot? That's her daughter too."_ Mari said before he could escape.

Dr. Fuentes looked flustered as he looked back at my sister, who was asking a question that I didn't even know to ask. They didn't LET Britt go but they let her cut the umbilical cord? It made no sense.

Now I could see why Britt looked so worried.

 _"Santana..."_ He then looked at me, remembering that I was there and coherent. I raised my eyebrow this time and he nodded. _"Right, sorry, in your file it says you're divorced and the last spouse of record for this hospital is Marco Vega. We didn't have his contact information."_

_"But she has a medical POA. Is that person up there?"_

He looked like he wanted to shrug but Papi had always said, doctors aren't supposed to admit fault or that they didn't know something. He looked at his tablet and then tapped in something.

I could see his anxiety as he waited and they he smiled.

_"Actually, yes, Ms. Fabray was notified, and she is up there now."_

Relief filled me that my baby girl wasn't all alone.

Britt though looked hurt that at the end of the day it was Quinn that was there for me, but she had to know that there was no way I could rely on her right now. Not after she put me in this whole shitshow in the first place.

She should be glad that it's Q and not my mother...this would be a lot messier if I hadn't thought to change it.

_"Good, thank you Dr. Fuentes. Can you let us know as soon as the doctor is out of surgery?"_

_"I'll have someone let you know. Get some rest Santana, while you can."_ He smiled and then, after looking over my monitors said, _"I will also let Dr. Cabot know you are back in your room."_

_"Thanks."_

* * *

Once he was gone, I stayed awake for about two minutes before falling asleep. The lower half of my body was still numb, and it made me feel weighed down, what I wanted was to go back to floating in the dark void but what I got was dreams.

So many that my head began to ache even in my stillness.

In a perfect world, I would have awaken to the sight of my daughter's face and my body would be back in tip top shape but that's not how life works, at least not my life. I felt like I was sinking, my body hurtling towards the bottom of the ocean and my screams were replaced with water.

Then I was on fire.

My body slammed to the bottom and then I was flying back up, air filling my lungs and sound deafened me.

I was flat on my back when I woke up and my skin burned.

Another heart attack, this time one that had required surgery immediately.

So, when I woke up again it wasn't to my daughter or anyone else but the glass walls of the ICU...again.

 _"Fuck."_ I muttered and waited for a response but there was none. I was alone, probably my least favorite way to be, the only silver lining was that there wasn't a tube shoved down my throat.

Then I heard the glass door sliding open and the squeak of shoes.

My sister's face hovered above me, next to her was Dr. Fuentes and another doctor.

 _"Merry Christmas, Santana...it's good to have you back with us."_ The other doctor said, _"I'm Dr. Lee, the chief of Cardiology. How's your pain?"_

 _"Sore."_ I said and he nodded. _"But man-manageable."_

_"That's to be expected, you had open heart surgery to repair a dissection in your aorta. Your sister tells me that you have had a diagnosed heart condition since you were born that pretty much has caused you little to no issues. It might have stayed that way, but your body has been through a lot of trauma. You developed an aneurysm in your aorta that created a tear. We were able to completely repair it and now we can focus on recovery."_

I had so many fucking questions and then Ian came to mind.

Fight like hell.

Even though it didn't feel like I even knew to fight, my body did.

 _"H-How long?"_ I asked, feeling so tired.

_"About six weeks, Dr. Fuentes would you like to brief her on the rest?"_

Dr. Fuentes smiled at me and then let out a sigh.

_"The aneurysm in your aorta coupled with your lack of oxygen after your incident in October, is the source of strokes. To date, you have had three and two seizures. After your surgery, we examined your brainwaves and discovered that the increase in oxygen post-op reversed some of the swelling that had been leading you to strokes and seizures. As a precaution, you'll be put on a medication that should relieve any residual swelling in your brain. This medicine has been approved in nursing mothers...if that is still your desire."_

_"I c-can nurse?"_ I asked, feeling so fucking surprised, with Isaac it wasn't even an option but to know that even with surgery, I was still able to nurse my daughter was amazing.

_"Yes, your obstetrician said that when you are ready that you can begin pumping. Given that you have had open heart surgery, it is understandable if you'd like to forego nursing at this time."_

_"No. I-I want to."_

He looked to my sister, as if to ask her to talk me out of something so insane but Mari knew me better than I probably gave her credit for.

_"There have been a few cases of women who have pumped just a few hours post-op, she's three days post-op...if she feels strong enough, I don't see why not. Direct nursing will need to wait for six to eight weeks but pumping is possible."_

And as the only woman in the room that was also a heart surgeon they nodded and deferred to her.

_"Well then, Santana, you are cleared to return to a recovery room for the next few days. Barring any complications, you will be able to return home to recuperate by the New Year. Merry Christmas."_

_"M-Merry Ch-ristmas."_

* * *

The way the doctor had said it, I thought I'd be heading straight to my new room but instead, I had to deal with Dr. Cabot's backup since it was Christmas and she is skiing in Aspen or some crap.

Everyone was walking around cheerfully but I was so cranky that I was immediately on my own nerves. It seemed that everyone was in the best mood, but I felt like utter crap. I had wanted to celebrate Isaac's first Christmas with him and now, it seemed that I was going to be 0 for 2...missing out on both of my kids' first Christmas.

The tears came once that realization hit me, and I expected that my emotions would set off a machine, but it seemed that my heart rate was unaffected by my hormonal urges. I put my hands on my stomach, which was flatter and empty of the little piece of comfort and company that had made all of this time in the hospital seem a little more bearable.

At the very least they could have sat me up more, so that I could scowl at the people who walked by properly but as it was, I was only partially lifted, just enough to glance at the blurriness of them.

I closed my eyes after a bit, hoping that I'd fall asleep and magically wake-up in a different place but when I woke up again, there was less sun in the room, but I was still in the ICU.

The glass door slid open finally and I was ready to snap but when I saw Q, looking completely changed, my anger left me replaced with a raspy half laugh.

 _"Your hair!"_ I said and she touched her long bob that was now colored jet black.

 _"Break-up hair."_ She said and I couldn't even pretend to be surprised.

_"W-what was t-the final straw?"_

_"Beth, we can talk about the semantics later though."_ She said and I was absolutely distracted from my own discomfort. _"Sorry you had to wait so long today, they were trying to track me down, but I was slightly distracted. I'm here now and we are going to get you moved down to your room."_

_"T-this wait is y-your f-fault?"_

_"Well kinda but there's time to talk about that, right now, I just wanted to see you before the world got to. You know POA privilege."_

_"H-how is s-she?"_

_"Perfect. I can't wait for you to see her...did you get your sponge bath yet?"_

_"No."_

_"Well, I'm going to make that happen before you go down to your room. They can't take you down there looking like hell."_

_"Thanks."_

_"No problem, I got you honey bun."_

* * *

Quinn's first order of business, brushing my hair and slicking it up into a top knot because it was way too frizzy for a high pony. After that, she convinced the nurse to come in and give me a sponge bath and that's when I was asked to try and stand up. I caught a look at my pale reflection in the mirror. I had padded gauze in between my boobs, protecting the incision and there was dried blood on my skin.

The exhaustion of just standing there while the nurse cleaned me as best as she could, told me that this six weeks was going to be hard as fuck but I had to keep fighting...and then I thought about Ian and how he had told me there was a crossroad to death...what if the surgery wasn't the crossroad, what if it was the recovery process.

As stubborn as I could get about taking proper care of myself, I wouldn't be surprised if this was that point that he was talking about and if it was, I wouldn't let him or the kids down. I was going to do everything by the book and not try to get over on anyone, this needed to be my last hospital stay for a very, very long time. I had my fill of the smell, the tastes, and the constant fucking beeping of the machines.

When I got back into the room, my bed was gone, and the orderlies were already cleaning. Quinn stood waiting with new pajamas that buttoned in the front so that I didn't have to wear the hospital gowns.

 _"Is this my g-gift?"_ I asked her as she helped me into the pajamas.

_"From Marco...he seems to be really into keeping you comfortable."_

_"He knows me."_ I said as I felt the silk on my skin...it felt like luxury and God, did I need that.

I sat in a wheelchair while the nurse changed out my IV and then Quinn put on super comfy slippers.

 _"How do I l-look?"_ I asked, attempting to strike a pose.

Q pulled out her phone and took a few pics of me, then she turned it around and showed me.

Despite the paleness and the bags under my eyes, I looked relatively good. Actually, I still managed to look kind of hot...but kinda blurry.

 _"Oh! Totally forgot."_ Quinn dug into her purse and pulled out an eyeglass case, she opened it and then handed me my glasses. _"You mentioned before that things have been blurry since the coma. I figured they'd be even worse now."_

 _"I fu-cking love you."_ I said, sliding my old frames onto my face. The difference was striking. _"I n-need Lasik."_ I muttered.

_"You're gorgeous, stop it."_

_"I know."_

_"You ready?"_

_"Mmmhmm."_

* * *

Quinn pushed my chair into the elevator with the nurse leading the way. It felt good to get out of the ICU and head towards a little more normalcy. As the elevator moved, I noticed that Q was insanely quiet, and it made me uncomfortable because I could tell that she wanted to talk. Knowing her though, she was waiting for a better time. My chest ached as the elevator stopped and I let out a groan.

_"Are you okay?"_

_"Sore."_ I whispered and then leaned my head back and looked up at her, even though the action hurt my chest, I just wanted to see her face. _"You?"_ I asked as she stopped the wheelchair and looked down at me.

 _"Later."_ She said. _"Right now, there's more important things. I'm not one of those things right now."_

 _"MA MA!"_ I dropped my head and looked forward as Q pushed me into the room, there was a little Christmas tree with gifts and Brittany holding onto an excited Isaac. _"Ki Ki?"_ He said but with the amount of weakness I had, there was no letting him climb up my body. Britt seemed very aware of it and brought him close enough to my face without letting him lean on me.

He grabbed my face and kissed my cheek, well more like slobbered on it but I'd take a hundred more of those over anything else.

Once Britt had stood back up, I saw that my room had Christmas lights and there was music playing really low.

And then...I saw it...the glass crib holding a little bundle of cuddliness.

 _"Baby."_ I said, really proud of myself for these full words I was busting out.

 _"Let's get you settled in bed and then I'll help you with her."_ Britt said softly as she handed Isaac to Quinn. _"Is it okay if I lift her?"_

The nurse looked worried, but Quinn assured her that Britt was freakishly strong and had been carrying me for years.

_"Just be quick about it, I could get in trouble for this."_

I looked up at B and tried to lift my hands, but I couldn't lift them fully.

She didn't seem to be hindered by it though as she scooped me up and then gingerly placed me down into my bed. There was a small ache in my chest but nothing to be alarmed about.

Once I was in bed the nurse moved in and began making sure all the wires were still in place and there was no harm to my incision. By the time she finished fussing over me, I heard a little cry come from the glass crib and I swear to all that is good, my boobs began to ache.

There was a scuff of sneakers as Mari and Dr. Cabot entered the room, I looked to my sister and then at the baby.

 _"Please."_ I said to her and she looked around the room, her eyes landing on Brittany.

_"Britt, would you mind holding the baby for my sister while we try to get the baby to latch on?"_

_"Uh, yeah, of course."_ She rushed into the bathroom and washed her hands before coming back out into the room.

_"I'm going to take Isaac to the waiting room, to let people know you're back in your room...just text me when you're ready for visitors."_

_"Thanks, Q."_ Britt said as she slowly began to unbutton my top until it was just my swelling boobs and the glaring sight of puffy gauze. _"Um, how can I help."_

Dr. Cabot and Mari had their head together, then Mari smirked.

Britt, you'll have to climb behind Santana and essentially be her arms, hold the baby...once of us will help her latch.

Which basically meant one of them would be fondling my boob since I couldn't really do much but sit there and you know what, as long as we made it happen, I didn't care much how it happened.

* * *

Being able to lean against Britt for the first time in forever felt like coming home. Her arms wrapped around me easily, Mari handed the baby to Britt who held her up for me. Her little face was all scrunched up as she sucked on her little pacifier like she was starving.

Dr. Cabot lifted my boob and then helped the baby latch on seconds later and with Britt securing her, I was able to just observe her.

 _"What's her name?"_ Britt asked with her chin rested on my shoulder.

 _"Da...niela."_ I said.

_"Aww, baby that's cute. I love it."_

_"Me too."_ I whispered as I cupped her little sock covered feet in my hand. She was latched on like a pro and while it ached a bit, it was nothing compared to the other pains that I had endured.

 _"Can you take a picture, Mari?"_ Britt asked and I nodded, ready for memories just in case some other catastrophe befell me, I needed my babies to have all the pictures they could stomach of me, loving them.

I was aware of the fact that Brittany was pretty much holding me and the baby like we were a happy little family and in that moment, I wasn't going to ruin that illusion. Once the baby fell back to sleep against my boob, Britt handed her over to my sister so that she could be burped. Then she went to move but I put my hands on her thighs to keep her still.

 _"Stay."_ I said, _"Please?"_

 _"Okay. Let me at least button you up so that you don't flash the whole family."_ She leaned over me and buttoned my shirt back up before leaning back and pulling me with her. I leaned back against her and felt more comfortable than I had in forever. _"Let me know if you need me to move, okay?"_

 _"Shhh...t-tired."_ I said and then I closed my eyes and enjoyed the sound of her breathing as she ran her hands up and down my arms. Something that always seemed to untangle the knots that I often found myself in.

We were in no way fixed or back together but at the very least, we had reached a truce.

I rested for a little bit and then there were more voices in the room, Britt was kissing the side of my face and I was immediately alert.

Mami and my sisters came in with Q and Isaac, I smiled at them and they all seemed to hesitate seeing me leaned against Britt but then they all seemed to realize that it was suck it up or get out, because they fixed their faces so damn fast.

_"Mi'ja, it's so good to see you awake. Did you get her to latch?"_

_"Yes, Britt h-helped h-hold her."_

_"Oh, that's wonderful, I guess that's why she's in bed with you."_

_"Yup."_

_"Well we won't overwhelm you, but we couldn't celebrate Christmas without you."_

My sisters all gathered around keeping a distance and then Britt whispered against my ear.

_"No one is really supposed to be touching you, you're breakable."_

_"I'm f-fine with th-that."_ I said back and she chuckled.

_"I figured."_

_"Sl-eepy."_ I said and Britt pulled the blanket around us more and let me rest my head on her chest.

 _"They've all held babies before, just relax."_ I nodded and then closed my eyes.

Sleep came quick but it wasn't floating this time, it was more like getting wrapped up in a fuzzy blanket that periodically dropped kisses on top of my head.

The baby's cry woke me up and I looked around the room for her.

Mami had her and was trying to soothe her but she was probably just hungry.

I lifted my hands as much as I could, and Britt took the lead. _"Ma...Gladys...um...Ana wants to feed her; can you pass her over?"_

Mami looked hesitant but Mari nodded to her and so she gently rested Daniela in Britt's arms that were wrapped around me. The baby was a genius, she latched onto my boob so quickly and began to drink earnestly. Britt's chin was on my shoulder again as she held the baby still.

 _"Ma Ma!"_ Isaac called from the door and I looked up to see him in Quinn's arms.

 _"You have more visitors."_ She said and Britt realizing before me took charge.

_"She's feeding the baby right now, Q. Can you just give us like five more minutes? The room is already at capacity."_

I expected Quinn to look hurt, but she just nodded and turned back around, pushing whoever was in the doorway behind her, back out.

_"Th-thanks, B."_

* * *

Once the baby was finished, Britt handed her off to Mami again for her to be burped.

Britt leaned over me and buttoned my shirt back up and then kissed my shoulder.

_"Everyone brought you presents; do you want to open them?"_

_"Ok."_

She went to get out of the bed and I immediately felt cold. _"No."_ I said, feeling weepy.

_"Mi'ja you have to let her get up."_

_"Sh-she's warm."_ I said to Mami, feeling like a brat.

_"I'll come back, okay?"_

I held out my pinky when she was on her feet by the bed and she squeezed mine in hers. _"I promise."_

Quinn came back into the room with Isaac and this time my other visitors arrived, Dr. Ramirez and Marco and Ari.

I felt the tears.

Then they were all holding hands and bowing their heads.

A prayer from the most unlikely of sources.

_"Father, we thank you for giving us the blessing of Anita coming back to us in one piece. Thank you for having her in the right place at the right time for her life to be saved. I ask you to deliver her to a speedy recovery. Bless the family and friends with patience and love through this time. Thank you for the sacrifice of your son today and every day. Amen."_

There was a chorus of Amens and then Quinn was placing my son in my lap, holding his back so that he could lean against me. He didn't move much, he just rested there, seemingly happy to just have me touching him.

Britt brough over a box covered in Elmo paper and put it in our son's lap.

He looked at it, then looked up at me.

 _"Rip."_ I said and he looked confused, so I put a finger under the loose wrapping paper and tore the paper. He copied me and then I did it again, and he did it again. We went on like this until the paper was ripped open.

And there looking back at him was the softest Elmo blanket I'd ever seen.

 _"E-MO!"_ He said and squeezed the blanket to himself.

 _"Who?"_ I asked my family looking around at them.

 _"Me."_ Ari said giving a wave, before wiping fresh tears from her face.

 _"Thanks, Ari."_ Britt said and then she reached for the next gift.

It didn't take long for me to notice the trend.

A lot of the first gifts were for Isaac and when we were surrounded with all sorts of gifts, I looked at my family and friends who were all smiling at me. _"Thanks."_ I said. They had no idea what it meant to me that I was able to spend Christmas with my son, watching him open gifts. It had been my most fervent wish last year when I spent Christmas all alone in Lima, getting high and wishing someone would save me.

Britt packed all of Isaac's gifts into a duffel bag and then brought me a huge box, she didn't fully rest it on me, but she put it in front of Isaac who only wanted to rip the wrapping paper now.

So, I let him.

I didn't really have strength to open the gift on my own.

When I pulled the final bit of paper back, I burst into tears and covered my face. Britt was rubbing my back while everyone kept murmuring questions...was I okay? Am I in pain? Did they need to take Isaac back?

But then I looked up at Britt and smiled.

 _"You?"_ I asked and she nodded.

 _"I know you've never gotten a chance to play for me but all I keep hearing is how good you are. Q told me how your therapist suggested music therapy and I know you don't have a piano at home...and I couldn't get that in here so this will be something you can use while you heal."_ The picture on the box was this onyx professional keyboard.

 _"It is p-perfect, B."_ I crooked my finger and she dropped her face near mine. I leaned forward and kissed her cheek then I patted it.

She was blushing like I had made out with her but that wasn't us...not yet.

* * *

My family and friends showed up for me that day, surrounding me with all the love and support that I had been craving since I was kid. Mami was on her best behavior and didn't make a single snide comment about Britt spending most of the day behind me, with her arms around me.

She gave a look or two, but she was never rude, and I was proud of her for keeping that shit to herself.

All that said, when they were all finally gone, including Britt with Isaac clinging to her, only two people remained.

Marco and Ari.

The whole day he had lingered in the background, not saying much, or doing much. His restraint when everyone was passing the baby around was admirable.

Christmas really does be popping out miracles, I guess.

But Marco Vega was Marco Vega, he could only hold back for so long.

I was not surprised that he lingered.

Or that the first chance that he got, he hovered next to my bed and waited to be acknowledged.

 _"Yes?"_ I said as I pumped milk for the baby, since it wasn't going to be really possible to nurse her on my own.

He didn't even look at my boobs, he looked straight into my eyes.

_"I know that I'm not her parent, but I'd really like to hold her at least. Please?"_

Ari was bouncing her knees as she sat at my bedside with the milk machine between us. Other than Marco she had been the only other person today that hadn't held the baby. She had backed away and tucked her arms around herself, side eying Britt and then me. That conversation was coming but I had to deal with Marco first. I knew that.

As if on cue, the nurse brought my daughter back into the room, like I had requested. Britt had suggested that I let Marco hold her but not in front of the family, she said she'd send in a nurse after everyone left.

The nurse smiled and then looked at Marco...not knowing much about the dynamic other than that this was the only man that had been in the room all day, she could only assume he was the father.

_"Would you like to hold her?"_

He looked at me and I nodded.

_"Yes, very much so."_

_"Have you held a baby before?"_

He looked over at Ari and smiled.

 _"Yes. If you can believe it, I held that one over there."_ He said pointing a thumb towards Ari who blushed.

Marco sat down in a chair next to the bed and then the nurse handed the baby to him.

His whole face lit up when she wrapped her little hand around his pinky finger.

_"I'll leave you all for a bit, I'll come back for her around the end of visiting hours in thirty minutes or so."_

_"Thanks."_ I said to her.

_"Hi, precious mi'jita. I can't believe you're here. I love you so much and I'm going to be better for you. Be good to your Mami, she's the strongest woman that I know which means you aren't going to be able to get away with anything."_

I chuckled.

 _"Damn, ri-right."_ I muttered as the machine buzzed. _"H-help?"_ I said to Ari and she took the cups away. My milk had come down like a fucking river and it felt like I couldn't stop leaking.

_"Oh wow, you want another two bottles?"_

I was sore and wasn't sure how much more my chest could take but I wanted my little girl to have enough food.

 _"Yes."_ I said and Ari set me up. This couldn't have been what she pictured when she finally got a chance to be with me, but she looked like this was just the most natural thing in the world.

After I was better, I was going to make it my mission to make sure that she was set up with whatever she needed. She didn't need money like Q had, what she needed was something way more special and there was only a handful of people that could help with that.

Lucky for her, I knew people.

I smirked at her and then puckered my lips, Marco groaned as Ari kissed my lips. She was soft at first, but I nipped at her lip and she kissed me harder.

 _"There is a baby present."_ Marco muttered.

It made me laugh to see his discomfort.

Good.

I had a lifetime of making him uncomfortable to make up for.

* * *

Once Marco was appeased, he kissed my face and then left me alone with Ari.

She had put all the milk in a mini fridge that sat close to my bed, before coming to sit on the edge of the bed and taking my hand in hers.

There was a look in her eyes that I recognized...fear. It was so wrong on her face and it brought me back to my preteen years where I would rush home from school and ride to the hospital with Papi, so I could sit in Ari's chemo sessions with her.

 _"It's b-back?"_ I asked her and she shrugged.

_"I think it might be...I've been in remission for six years, that's the longest in my life...now though, I'm feeling all those symptoms again. I know cancer isn't contagious, but I didn't want to hold the baby, with that kind of energy going on. I hope you're not mad?"_

_"How c-could I be? You c-can't help this."_

I squeezed her hand with the little bit of strength that I had.

Her hazel eyes were masking the war she was trying to fight inside.

_"I'm afraid to get tested. I'm doing so well in school and I'm so close to my dreams of Broadway...what if I never make it. What if this is as far as I'm allowed to go in this life?"_

She was crying now and so was I...this wasn't fair.

Cancer is never fucking fair but when it comes to Ari, if feels personal.

And I hate it.

_"I r-refuse to b..elieve that."_

_"I thought I was the optimist."_

I dropped her hand and then brought my hands to my chest, my fingers lightly touching the gauze.

_"I h-have died on the t-table f-four t-times now. G-god knows I am t-too stub-born to go yet. I-I'm not d-done. S-so you c-can't be done. He keeps you here, Ari. Y-you will get y-your d-dream."_

_"You don't know that."_

_"I do."_

_"Look, the only reason I am even telling you is because, if it's back, once I'm on chemo, I won't come around your newborn or you. Those drugs are so hard on the system and the body. I don't want to infect either of you. I don't want you to think I ghosted you."_

_"Y-you h-have to pray. T-trust and b-believe."_

_"Always. I don't doubt God or the plan. I may not like the plan or understand it, but I have grown to accept that it's God's time not mine...like Carmen told me."_

More memories...of Carmen...her being my sponsor...her talking me through things...her disappearing.

Then her words.

God's time, not mine.

I opened up my arms as much as possible and tried to hug Ari, but she was hesitant...choosing to move to my side and wrap an arm around my waist, resting her head on my shoulder. Dropping kisses on my neck every few seconds.

 _"I love you, Anita."_ She whispered. _"No matter what happens, know that will never change. You and me, linked forever."_

_"T-talk like y-you're gonna live."_

_"I'm too stubborn to die yet...I won't give up. I promise."_

_"G-ood...I l-love you too."_

_"Thanks, Anita."_

_"J-just p-promise you w-won't put this off."_

_"I promise."_

_"I am h-here. Always."_

_"I know."_

I gave her my pinky and she squeezed mine with hers and we sat like that until it was time for her go both trapped in thoughts of what was to come.

There was a long road ahead for me and her both...there was no telling if either of us would survive but I wasn't going to stress out over it. 

Tomorrow isn't promised. That isn't a cliche or a euphemism. 

Living another day...another moment, is never promised, so I was going to fight to make the most of every good and bad moment. If I've learned anything from this crazy time in my life, it's that you can't really predict what's coming. 

But you can prepare yourself and those around you...good or bad. 

If God saw fit to give me more time and put Ari in my life in this exact moment, maybe it's my turn to hold someone else up in their time of need.

And I would do that for Ari, time and again, without question. 

She was my church and I was hers. 

No exceptions.


	26. this is me trying (Taylor Swift)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hola my lovelies, two quick things.
> 
> 1st-2020 has been a hard year for so many people, right now the universe beckons us to just lead with love. Life is too fucking short...don't waste your energy on negativity, there's already enough of that.
> 
> 2nd-In this rewrite I have tried to go as far as I could in just a single POV but this story needs perspective and so, from here on out we will flip POV between S & B.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I don't know what made me stay after the whole family left and I don't know why I sat outside the room while Marco and Ari were in there for almost an hour.

All that I knew was that I couldn't leave her, it felt wrong to do that, she was here because of something that I did.

The strokes, the seizures, and the hard pregnancy was all because I couldn't keep my stupid hands to myself.

We hadn't really been alone yet and that had been on purpose, Izzy was our buffer and now Dani...sweet, beautiful, and tiny little Daniela, a baby that I have been obsessing about for months.

I even had a tracker on my phone that told me what size fruit she was based on how long Ana had been pregnant.

Last I checked she was pumpkin...now she's this living, breathing, little piece of heaven.

Thank God she was okay, she wasn't supposed to be here yet just like with Izzy. I wonder if Ana realized that she has given birth to two babies in the same year.

After Izzy went through hell in her belly and then after he was born, this pregnancy was going to be different.

She was trying and I had failed her.

All I had to do was keep taking my pills like I had promised but my jealousy and entitlement got the best of me.

My brain just...did that thing it does when I feel threatened, it shut down on me, even more so, when I couldn't get her to do what I wanted.

It used to be so easy to convince her to follow along with what I said. Then Marco came back into her life and then Quinn became her damned bodyguard.

Then there were sisters that I hadn't really ever heard of.

Suddenly her mom cared, and her dad died, it was all a jumble.

I was so overwhelmed with everything in this past year and for so long, I tried to distract myself with other people...and when that didn't work, I hurt myself to remind my brain and body that I couldn't hurt other people.

Staying on those pain medications for longer than I should have is what was to blame for my outburst in October, that and her going down on Sugar Motta on Instagram.

Who does that?

Frankie calls it a clusterfuck and I agree.

Everything was fucked up but now I was committed to trying, no matter how long it takes.

There was no way I could allow myself to go to that place I had that put her in here, going through all that trauma.

Ana has always been insistent that she isn't a whore, that she just wants to be with one person and that person was me...always and ONLY me but her words haven't matched her actions.

Even now.

All day she'd given me hope, had me help her feed our daughter but now that I'm not in there, what's she doing?

Cuddling with Ari...kissing Ari...linking pinkies with Ari.

I can't be mad though, I deserve this.

And she deserves to be happy.

* * *

 _"Does she know that you're out here?"_ A deep voice asked.

I looked up into Marco's face and he had that amused look that he had when we fucked.

Like he knew something that I didn't, and it made me feel that flicker of anger.

It was always there, just simmering under the surface, but I was an adult and I couldn't be that way...but then this was Marco, he had always been angry.

_"How'd you stop being so angry?"_

He actually looked surprised...I missed that feeling, my old meds used to have random thoughts rolling off my lips and people always had this same expression. Now though, I didn't have anything but my anxiety medicine in my system.

Nothing too mind altering.

 _"Mind if I sit?"_ He asked.

_"Go ahead."_

He sat down next to me and then held out his hand, palm up. Was he trying to hold my hand?

 _"Just trust me in this moment, we are in a public place. Take my hand."_ He insisted and so I did.

His hand was warm and huge like my father's.

Something about it made me feel safe.

For someone so hard and brutal, he had such soft hands.

That didn't fit right.

 _"Why are we holding hands?"_ I asked.

He dropped his head in prayer.

And because Ari had been pushing me to go to church with her for weeks now, I knew that there was no convincing a praying Catholic to just not do that.

So, I dropped my head too.

I expected the murmurings that Ari did when we prayed together but instead, he talked to me.

_"Do you remember what I said to you after we were intimate?"_

_"Which thing about how she needs to be controlled like a dog or how she is a pain slut?"_ I said, attempting to pull my hand away but he had it gripped tight.

_"No...those things were wrong for me to say...even if that's how I molded her to be...she's so much more than those things. I have apologized and begun to make amends with her. I never apologized to you for taking her and ruining what could have been a beautiful year between you two. I'm sorry, Brittany."_

_"It doesn't matter, I was the one who ruined everything with my cheating and then physically hurting her. You didn't make me do those things; I did that on my own."_

_"Seeing me do it, gave you permission. It made you see her differently...you stopped looking at her as this precious thing. I own that, now though you promised me you'd look after my daughter."_

_"You keep calling her that and then want me to feel safe in you not taking her."_

_"Biology is biology, she is my daughter. I created her from my DNA, that means nothing in regard to being her parent. That's you and Anita. I want that kind of love for Daniela. I know you'll make her happy even when you're not...just like with Isaac. You'll be good for them and if you keep trying, you'll be good for her too."_

_"She has Ari now."_

He chuckled.

_"No, right now, my cousin is just a balm. A placeholder. They both have said it and trust me what it looks like from out here, compared to how it is in there...you can tell that it's not that kind of love. There was more love in you just holding her today, than there is when they are making out in front of me like preteens."_

_"How can Ari be okay with that?"_

_"She just is. I don't know if you know much about her...she's never given her love to anything but dancing...and with the way that cancer has been trying to kill her since she was 4 years old, just like it killed my mother, she is convinced that she doesn't have time to fall in love. Anita is her dream girl, but she knows that in this lifetime, she isn't Anita's...that you are. She is good with being able to just be there with Anita while she's feeling vulnerable, it's just for now but when you're ready, she told me that she won't stand in your way. I believe her."_

_"No way, she already sounds like a better person than me."_

_"She's a better person than most people, don't get hung up on that."_

_"You're right, no matter how much I want to. I can't seem to hate her. If she hadn't yanked me down at the diner, I'd probably be dead. So, while I'm annoyed she's in there with MY girl, kissing her and stuff, I can't even get angry, which is crazy because everything thing makes me angry. That's why I asked you how you got over it."_

We still had our heads bowed and I could see why he wanted to talk like this, I watched people give us space and drop their convos to a whisper.

Prayer concealed eavesdroppers.

_"Look, I'm still angry all the time. It's just a part of who I am but I'm channeling it inwards. I'm not expecting other people to bend to my standards and needs when I won't even do that for myself. So, I'm doing the work. I've gone to rehab twice, and I go to meetings daily, I'm also providing legal consulting services and I'm thinking very seriously about becoming a Priest. My anger comes from a lack of control in my own life and so I am choosing to control what I can and let everything else go. What about you?"_

He dropped my hand as the room door swooshed open.

I heard the squeak of sneakers and looked up at Ari. She gave me a soft smile and a soft pat on my shoulder. _"We are headed out, she wants to feed the baby again before they come take her, I was supposed to send a nurse in, should I tell her you're here instead?"_

 _"No, um...I'll go in. Thanks."_ I said and then nodded to Marco as I stood.

_"Have a good night, come on Moncho."_

Marco patted my back and then saluted before throwing his arm across Ari's shoulders and leaving with her.

* * *

When I pushed the door open, Ana was staring at the little glass crib with want in her eyes.

 _"Hey."_ I said and she looked up at me with sparkling eyes, rimmed with tears.

 _"Hi."_ She whispered and then looked back at the baby who was whimpering.

_"Do you have any milk left in you? I can change her and then bring her over if you want."_

She nodded and reached out her hands.

_"P-please."_

Every single time that perfect voice stutters, I feel a pang in my chest. Every damned time.

 _"Okay. Did you want to watch?"_ I asked when I saw her still staring as I grabbed a diaper and wipes from under the crib.

She nodded like I had just offered to give her a mountain of candy, her eyes gleaming and her grin huge.

This was the second time that she wasn't able to freely pick up one of her babies after giving birth.

With Izzy, it was because I banned her from touching him. With Dani, it was because I broke her body, her mind, and her heart.

I would make up for that if it took me the rest of my life.

Dani looked up at me and began to cry even more once she realized someone was coming to her rescue.

Luckily, she just peed a whole lot, so cleaning her was much faster than with a poopy diaper.

I rolled the crib closer, so Ana could see better and then began to change the diaper, then I swaddled the baby, all while trying to sing to her but my voice was nothing in comparison to Ana's.

My emotions were all over the place but now was not the time.

Everything that I did needed to be for my kids and my wife...ex-wife.

* * *

Instead of climbing behind Ana this time, I put a pillow in her lap and then brought her arms up to sit on top before helping her hold the baby herself. I kept them both steady as the baby latched onto her nipple like it was a magnet for her mouth.

All day long, I wanted to watch Ana's face while she breastfed, but I couldn't sit in front of her like this when there were a million people in the room. Now though, it was just the three of us and if I sat in her lap practically, like now, there was no one to judge me or give me those condescending looks that they didn't think I saw.

But I saw.

 _"Thanks for t-today."_ She said and I lifted my eyes from the perfect little face that was making little grunting noises while she ate.

Dark eyes were staring back at me...the same eyes that I'd ignored when they were pleading with me to stop hurting her. I clenched my hands on her elbows and she looked down at them before looking back at me.

She wanted to talk but was having trouble, that much was completely clear each time that she looked at me.

 _"I just had the idea; Quinn was the one that made it happen."_ I said, shrugging, not feeling like I really deserved any praise from her. _"You wanted to celebrate Izzy's first Christmas and I knew this was Dani's but she's only four days old. Next year will be better...when they're both one."_

Her eyes went wide and then it hit her.

 _"S-same year."_ She said.

_"Yeah."_

_"W-wow, I w-was busy."_ She said and then blushed. _"Sorry."_

_"Don't be. Maybe you don't remember everything, but I do, and I pushed you to sleep with Marco. I pushed you to sleep with Ian too...it made me feel better about cheating on you with Frankie. I was dumb. You deserve better...like Ari."_

I tried to look away from her, but those eyes wouldn't let me go.

 _"I am w-waiting f-for you."_ She said.

_"Why?"_

_"Y-you n-need to h-heal your h-head and heart, j-just like me. It's ok n-not to be ok. I w-want to get b-better. M-maybe you c-can g-get y-your head r-right and w-when you're ready we c-can try to be s-something more."_

Every word she stuttered her way through hurt me...that whole sentence practically had me sobbing but I had to hold her and the baby steady.

 _"I want to help you get out of here and be able to move around on your own. I put you here and I want to help you get out. I just need a favor."_ I admitted.

She raised an eyebrow. _"What?"_ She asked, clearly, looking curious.

_"Lift the restraining order so I'm not violating probation by coming here."_

She nodded and then looked down at our baby girl. She slowly lifted her finger and traced it over the baby's cheek. Then I watched as she bopped the baby on the nose, smirking when the baby's face scrunched up more.

Watching her love the baby made me feel even more assured that I would kill for my family to keep being mine. Our eyes met again and this time, I was looking into the eyes of the woman I fell for. There was no sadness or fear, just her searching my face and then she nodded again.

Settled in her decision, whatever it might be.

_"If I do t-that, y-you n-need to p-promise me you w-won't come near me or the k-kids when y-you're f-feeling off."_

_"Angry, you mean?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I swear to you...I won't ever do anything like that again."_

* * *

The nurse came as I was burping the baby and asked if I was staying. I wanted to say yes, that this was my wife and daughter and I absolutely wanted to stay but I didn't have that right.

Ana had been looking down at her phone and I cleared my throat, knowing it drove her nuts. She looked up, surprised that I had done it, because I tried to never do it once I knew it made her skin crawl.

_"Do you want me to stay tonight?"_

She shook her head.

 _"It's s-still C-christmas, go be w-with Isaac."_ She said, _"Q is c-coming t-tonight."_

Part of me felt like it was a slap in the face that she would send me away for Quinn, but she was right. Izzy was at the house with my family on the night of his first Christmas and he should have one of his parents.

She crooked her finger to me, and I got closer, she pressed her lips to mine and fireworks exploded in my body.

Her sweet lady kisses had always done that for me, why now though?

_"What was that for?"_

_"Isaac. G-give that to him."_ She grinned and then she kissed the baby's head, before sniffing her little neck. I stood up again and saw the nurse busying herself checking the machines.

_"I'm not staying but someone is, she'll be here in a bit. This little lady is ready to head back to the nursery though."_

The nurse smiled and then took my daughter, being extra careful with her as she settled her in the crib.

Before she left, she handed me a folder.

_"This is the paperwork for her birth certificate, it needs to be filed as soon as possible, so if you could fill it out before you leave tonight and then leave it at the reception desk, they'll take care of it."_

_"Oh, right. Thank you!"_

Ana looked at me excitedly and folded her hands in her lap.

Waiting.

I grabbed a pen and then sat back on her bed, opening up the folder.

The sheet was blank and fresh, she still had the option to not put me on it, but I could tell from the look in her eyes she wasn't going to go back on her word.

 _"Okay, parent 1 is Santana Gladys Lopez."_ I said to her and she nodded.

_"Yep."_

_"And parent 2 is..."_ I looked at her and she nodded all silly like. _"Me?"_ I asked.

 _"Duh."_ She responded.

_"Okay, parent 2 is Brittany Susan Pierce. Next line is her full name."_

Ana reached for the paper and very slowly began to write before handing the paper back to me.

 _"Daniela Amaris Susan Lopez."_ I read, feeling shocked that she would break up a beautiful name with my regular old middle name. _"Are you sure?"_

_"S-she should h-have a piece of you."_

_"Amaris is beautiful by itself."_

_"W-was supposed to be my n-name. Pa had h-his w-way th-though. It is mi a-abuela's m-middle n-name."_

Panic rushed me; it was a thing I had to keep to myself...something that she wasn't supposed to know yet.

How while she lay in a coma her Abuela took her last breath.

How it has made Gladys even more erratic and clingy to Ana.

And how I was one of the last people to speak to her, when she called me after I had put her granddaughter in a coma.

She made me pray for forgiveness right on that phone and I did. I promised her that I'd do right by Ana.

I promised to be better, that if I was the one that her granddaughter chose even if she didn't agree with it, that I needed to be worthy of Ana giving up her grandmother.

 _"It's perfect."_ I squeaked out, tears rushing down my cheeks and Ana rubbed my thigh, probably thinking I was honored by her using my name. It wasn't my place to drop the bomb on her, it was her mother's and I wouldn't take that from Gladys.

She'd lost enough too.

* * *

Once we finished the birth certificate and I had helped her to the bathroom, the two of us cuddled together in the bed until Quinn showed up.

There weren't any words or apologies, just me holding her and her humming to me.

She seemed to be in a good place, and I wanted so badly to be, but I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When Quinn finally showed up, her cheeks red and her eyes sparkling, I felt relieved.

 _"I'll see you after work, okay?"_ I whispered to Ana who was obviously fighting sleep.

 _"K."_ She whispered.

 _"I love you."_ I said to her, kissing her forehead before wrapping Quinn in a hug and twirling her once before patting her ass.

She glared at me and I winked.

Happy to get a rise out of her.

I had to put on a brave and happy face for Ana, even if I was dying to go curl up and cry somewhere.

They were immediately whispering and laughing as I left, not giving me a second glance.

Which is exactly what I wanted.

I wrapped myself up tight in my coat and scarf before walking out into the freshly falling snow.

Normally, I enjoyed snow and the way the cold numbed me and made my outsides match my insides.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I wanted to ignore it but I'm a parent, I'd promised Ana a long time ago that I'd never turn off my phone because I'm a mom. So, I stepped to the side, leaning against a building as I looked at my phone.

**_I still know you. Please go home and be with our son. If you're feeling sad, put on some Nat King Cole and dance with him. I love you too-Ana_ **

Her sweetness had me winded and I was ready to be so grateful until I remembered the last time I'd gone to the house and Gladys had been there, threatening to call the cops, if Quinn hadn't shown up early from class, it would have been over for me.

**_I'm still not allowed at the house.-Britt_ **

**_Already messaged Sal, he pulled the order. Merry Christmas-Ana_ **

**_Really? That quick?-Britt_ **

**_That quick. Now go deliver that kiss to my little Papa-Ana_ **

**_You got it-Britt_ **

* * *

When I got to the house, my sister was sitting in front of our fireplace with her head in a book, her glasses perched on her nose. How we were sisters, I never knew. Her dark hair and lack of rhythm has had me convinced since we were kids that one of us has to be adopted. At 11, she is way smarter than I ever was.

 _"Hey."_ I said to her and she looked up at me, her grin looking just like mine.

_"Bout time! Izzy is refusing to go to bed without you."_

_"It's early for him. We usually let him get tired out until around 10...it's only 8."_

_"Oh...well go tell mom and dad that, they're up in the nursery doing a puppet show for him."_

_"He only likes one puppet."_

_"Then go save him and let me read."_ She said, waving me off while she went back to her book.

Again, how are we related?

When I got to the nursery, sure enough Isaac was sitting there in his full Santana Lopez scowl, arms crossed over his chest looking like he was ready to go all Lima Heights on someone.

 _"Psst."_ I said to him while my parents made Elmo's dance.

My son looked up at me and his eyes got bright as he pulled himself to his feet and reached for me.

 _"MAMA!"_ He screamed and I laughed.

 _"I'm here to save you!"_ I said, grabbing him and swinging him into the air. Mom panicked and Dad laughed, Izzy giggled as he fell back into my hands.

_"You got him all worked up! Now we will never get him down."_

_"Actually, why don't you guys go out and enjoy the city that never goes to sleep. I think I'm going to spend some quality time with Izzy and Court."_

_"Are you sure?"_ Mom said.

_"Of course, it's his first Christmas and Santana can't be here, so I have to make sure he has one of us. I'm just going to read him a book and dance around with him until he gets tired. Then I'll probably bug Court into watching a movie or something."_

_"Okay, well in that case, we will get out of your hair."_

_"Thanks!"_

* * *

Even though my sister sucks at dancing, she still loves to dance with me. I put on some Christmas carols and the three of us danced around the living room. Izzy was clapping his hands as he stumbled around behind Court.

 _"Ti Ti Ti Ti."_ He kept calling after her until she picked him up and swung him around.

My phone buzzed around 10, I knew it was really a call for Izzy who should be getting ready for bed and not dancing around the living room with a giant candy cane.

Ana's face filled my phone screen. Her eyes were puffy, and her cheeks were a little wet as she tried to smile for me.

 _"Hey, you okay?"_ I asked and she nodded with her lip trapped in her mouth.

 _"E-emotional."_ She said. _"I n-need him."_ She whispered.

Where was Quinn?

I walked over to Court who was bouncing Izzy in her arms.

 _"Hey buddy, look who it is!"_ I said to him and he snapped his head to me, then at my phone. His face lit up.

 _"Ma Ma!"_ He sang and clapped his hands. _"Ki Ki!"_ He said and leaned towards me with his sticky hands.

 _"Hi Papa."_ She said, chuckling.

 _"Hi Ma!"_ He said back and it was his first full sentence and I was now a ball of excitement.

 _"Did you hear that, he said hi to you! He's never done that!"_ I said, turning the screen back to my face. Her eyes lit up, knowing she had gotten another first out of him.

 _"He's n-not in b-bed."_ She said back.

_"It's Christmas, my parents and sister will be spending the whole day in West Chester with him tomorrow for your family Christmas party...I got here, and my parents were putting on an Elmo puppet show, and he was not amused. So, we are tiring him out."_

She raised an eyebrow. _"N-no more s-sugar."_ She scolded.

_"Right, sorry, no more. We are having a dance party. I played the Nat King Cole song and we slow danced, but he was too hyper, so I had to put on the Chipmunks for him."_

_"Ob...viously."_ She pushed out.

_"Where's Quinn?"_

_"B-bathroom on ph...one with Ceily."_

_"Britt stop hogging her, I can't hold him like this. He's squirming too much, let him have the phone!"_ Court yelled at me.

Ana grinned and waited to be returned to Izzy.

I took him from my sister and planted him in his highchair with my phone, hoping to God he didn't throw it.

But he was just talking to her, babbling and she was talking back to him, like she knew what he was saying.

They needed each other right now and I wouldn't take him from her again.

* * *

I'd spent the rest of the week, split three ways between work, the hospital, and my son.

Each day Ana hit a new milestone.

Her staples were gone, just the melting stitches.

Her voice therapy was helping.

She could finally lift the baby on her own to nurse her.

And finally, Gladys wasn't looking at me like I was ready to slaughter her family.

But through it all...one thing remained the same, my slide down into depression.

It happened five days after Christmas when I was watching my parents and sister, walk into the airport.

Then it continued when Ana got the sniffles and we were banned from her room for 24 hours.

And then the same cold took down Izzy.

So, I was worried about giving him breathing treatments and tip toeing around a heartbroken Quinn.

Who was storming around in full ice queen mode.

Never had I realized just how level, Ana keeps her family and friends. Her drama has always been bigger and more serious than theirs and with her just quietly recuperating in the hospital, with no worries other than healing everyone was left to face their own stuff.

Sandra was headed for divorce it seemed, but Johnny was fighting it.

Damariz was trying to start a family but was having struggles.

Brenda was M.I.A. not showing up to family functions or even calling.

And then Celia...she decided that rather than come out to her mom and face rejection, she'd just break up with Quinn and focus on her gallery.

Gladys though, took the cake. She started hovering around me, wanting to help me get my head straight and help me continue to become a Catholic.

I was tired of it all.

So, when the end of the week came and I was finally alone in my apartment after giving in and letting Quinn take over with Izzy for the day, I had two days to move out and I hadn't packed up anything.

Frankie and Siobhan were going to be here tonight to help me move, so we didn't try moving during all the New Years' Eve drama the next day.

I was just finished emptying my dresser when I got the call.

And my heart fell from my chest.

* * *

Court had gone into anaphylaxis on the plane.

The EpiPen she carried only helped for so long.

By the time they got to the ground it was too late.

She'd gone too long without oxygen.

And now I was an only child because my sister was gone...with no rhyme or reason.

Just gone.

I sat on my apartment floor, feeling boneless and hollow.

We'd just been together, dancing around my living room.

This year was just...God awful.

So much had gone wrong.

And all I wanted was Ana, but I was banned from her room.

I didn't want to bother her, but her ringtone kept sounding.

Someone had called her.

Unlike with her Abuela, they'd shared this loss.

And when I answered, her face looking back at me covered in tears...I knew that she knew.

 _"Come to me."_ She said, each word clear.

Screw the isolation, she wanted to fix me, but I couldn't lose her too.

What if I got her sick.

 _"No. I just...I can't get you any sicker. Okay, please?"_ I begged, feeling terrible for denying her.

 _"Then s-stay on the phone."_ She said through gritted teeth, I could tell she was trying to not stutter.

_"Okay."_

_"F-Frankie is on her way to you, just st-stay on the ph-phone with me until then. Pr..omise me you d-didn't hurt yourself."_ She was worried.

_"I promise."_

She turned the phone screen down and there nursing was Dani, her face scrunched up again which means Ana had bopped her nose again. It made me smile and then more sadness, Court wouldn't get to see this baby grow up.

There'd be no chorus of Titi's called out to her.

More sobs.

The pain was so great.

I eyed the knives that I had just packed up but then felt the eyes looking at me.

Ana knew.

She always seemed to read me.

 _"Don't."_ She said and I bit my lip.

 _"I need to let this out...just a little."_ I said reaching for the knives.

_"No. It w-won't b-bring C-court b-back."_

Court.

What would she think of me going off another deep end, this time because of her?

She'd probably roll her eyes and tell me to stop being melodramatic.

I wept.

My hands buried in my hair as I cried against my knees. I'd propped up my phone while I sat there on the floor, thinking of my baby sister.

And when Frankie got there, I'd not harmed a single part of myself, thanks to Ana.

She promised Ana she'd take good care of me.

But what did it matter?

Life is so random and temporary, why did anything matter?

I was sinking and I didn't know how to stop my slide.

This time though, when I felt that anger coursing through me, I did what my every self preserving instinct warned against.

_**I'm too angry to be around Izzy or you or the baby. Is that okay?-Britt** _

Her response was immediate.

_**Yes. I'd rather this. You need time to be a ghost and work through your emotions. Go see your therapist. Talk it out with Frankie, and dance B. When you can't do anything else, just go dance. Okay? We will be here when you're ready.-Ana** _

_**I don't deserve you.-Britt** _

_**You do. I love you and I'm here to talk, whenever. I love you!-Ana** _

_**I love u 2-Britt** _

_**Just asked Q to leave Isaac with Sandra for a while. The family knows your grieving. They reached out to your parents to help. I know they can't afford this right now. So just know your family is taken care of. The kids are taken care of. I am -taken care of. Promise me that you will be taken care of, please?-Ana** _

_**I'm trying.-Britt** _

_**B, I need you to try as hard as you can. For Court, for the kids, and for me.-Ana** _

_**Ok-Britt** _

She called after that but I didn't answer.

I turned off my phone and buried my head in the pillows.

Right then, all the trying I could manage was just to keep breathing.

Since I'd have to do that for myself and my sister now.

All trying needs a little umph and right then, staying in a bed away from sharp objects was all the umph I had in me.

Sometimes you just have to work with what you've got.

And being still, for once was all that I could manage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Review...


	27. A Moment (RILEY)

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Are you ready?"_ Ari whispered from beside me. _"The van is here."_

I knelt at the altar and stared at the candles, tears in my eyes as I thought of the little kid that me and Britt would go watch play soccer, her hair was always a mess and her glasses were slipping off even with the band that was supposed to help.

Court would snuggle up with us and watch Disney movies and liked M&Ms in her popcorn just like me. She'd read the Harry Potter Books and then got me hooked on them. A Ravenclaw and a Slytherin who both had to put up with a Hufflepuff and all her silly fantasies.

I lit a candle and then we both made a sign of the cross.

And then there was the bomb that Mami had dropped on me when she came to see me when I came home from the hospital yesterday. I know it hadn't been her intention to tell me but when I told her we were going to take a van to Lima and I was hoping to see Abuela...she was forced to tell me that Abuela had died in November, before I woke up, that she'd died in her sleep of natural causes.

I thought of all the craziness that was Abuela and how she used to riff on me for my bullshitting my way through Spanish most of the time since I was too lazy to bother remembering my first language.

How she called me a garbage face when I would throw tantrums and have an ugly cry...how she tried to sell me because I threw myself on the floor of Kmart when she wouldn't give me the Uncle Jesse doll.

I thought of how she had been against me being gay and how she sided with Ian's mom and how even with that I had given my daughter her middle name. How much had I been imagining her smug smile when she would eventually get self-righteous about me still loving her enough to let her name continue.

But I wouldn't get that chance.

 _"I'll leave you with your thoughts a little longer, just let me know if you need help getting up."_ I nodded in response and then wiped at my eyes before lighting another candle for Abuela.

Last, there was Nico...my protector, my carpenter, and my savior...Marco and I hadn't had THE talk about why he did it and honestly, I didn't want to know. He was making amends and they didn't need to be to me...Carmen and her son were the ones he needed to answer to.

I craved the amazing waffles and coffee. I ached at the though of how Nico had cleaned fluids from my face and made me sleep off my highs.

He was fierce in his love for me and I loved him for it.

May God have mercy on his soul.

I lit the last candle and then sat back on my knees looking at the row of candles I had lit.

So much pain...so much ache but I had to push past all of it.

If I carried the weight of the sadness, I wouldn't be able to function.

It made me so damn tired.

* * *

The tap of my cane was so much lighter now that I wasn't putting all of my pregnant weight on it.

Ari leveraged me, looping her arm through mine as we walked down the aisle to the heavy oak doors of the sanctuary.

_"Are you sure it's okay that I'm bumming a ride?"_

_"Y-yes. A th-third d-driver will be good."_ I whispered as we made our way out of the church.

A large passenger van sat down the street outside my house and I let out a breath.

It was time.

Britt was sitting on the bottom step with the baby asleep in her arms. She was whispering to her and smiling a little.

When I leaned over to check, I could see that the baby was looking at her with wide eyes as she sucked hard on her pacifier. I brushed my hand across Britt's cheek, and she looked up at me for a moment and I could see that she was trying hard to not cry but was failing.

 _"Let it be."_ I whispered.

_"I know, I just want to be strong for you."_

_"D-don't be. Y-you d-don't need to be."_

She stood up and leaned into me, kissing my cheek, and then pulling back and nodding to Ari who was standing by my side without a care in the world as she kept her hand pressed to my lower back, steadying me.

The door to the house opened and Quinn looked relieved as she carried my sleeping son.

 _"Ready?"_ She asked.

_"Yes."_

_"Good, I got the souped-up van, it has a toilet and everything. Let's get a move on, between me, B and Ari taking three hours each, we can make it in one shot...you still okay to drive, Britt?"_ She asked and Britt nodded.

 _"It will help me keep my head together, is it okay if I go first?"_ No one argued and Britt perked up...she handed the baby to Ari and then put her arm around my waist. _"I'll get you and the kids settled first and then we will get going."_

_"Thanks, B."_

* * *

Q hadn't been kidding about the van, it had a little bed in the back and a small little kitchenette. It was more like an RV than a van. It was compact and perfect. Britt got us settled on the bed, a sleeping Isaac on my left and little Daniela latched to my boob. Ari climbed next to me and pulled out her Bible, because of course she did.

Britt kissed my face and then the kids before heading back to the front to join, Q.

Just as we were getting settled, there was a knock on the side door and Britt looked back, confused, Ari popped up and pulled the door open. Celia popped her head in and smiled at Quinn's look of bewilderment.

_"Mind if I join?"_

_"Yes, we do. You're a millionaire, get on a plane."_ Quinn snapped.

Celia looked at me and I shrugged.

 _"Up to Q and B."_ I said and then looked back at my baby girl. _"No d-drama."_ I muttered.

 _"I'll be on my best behavior, I swear."_ She said, sticking her head between the front seats.

Britt reached over and squeezed Quinn's hand.

 _"Life is too short to hold grudges, you love her and as long as she doesn't upset Ana or the kids, let it be."_ She said, giving Q my own advice.

 _"Fine, if you're staying, you are feeding us and fueling us."_ Q said, not wanting to cross Britt.

Celia grinned and then kissed Britt on the cheek followed by Q.

_"You got it; my debit card is all yours!"_

_"F-famous last w-words."_ I said and Ari chuckled.

My sister had no idea just how vindictive Quinn could be, but she was about to find out.

Quick, fast, and in a hurry.

* * *

By the time we were nearly out of Pennsylvania, Celia had already filled the tank twice and had bought out an entire convenience store. Quinn was in full ice queen mode, demanding that Celia sit up front with her and feed her snacks while she drove.

Britt laid curled against my side; her arm thrown over my legs as she drooled on my leg. I rubbed her head while she snored, unbothered by drool at this point.

Ari was watching Elmo with Isaac and singing along...it was adorable.

The baby had been asleep for about two minutes and was probably down for a while, so I slid down next to B and pulled the blanket around us. I fell asleep next to Britt for the first time in an eternity and it felt like coming home.

My boobs ached and my body felt trapped, that's what woke me up a bit later, when I opened my eyes I was looking into pale blue ones. Britt looked at me and smirked. _"I missed this."_ She whispered.

I noticed that the van was dark and the only thing going was the tv and the quiet murmurings from the front.

_"M-me too."_

And then I was aware of someone spooning my back, when I reached back the person groaned.

Quinn.

 _"What's the matter?"_ She mumbled.

_"Get b-baby? B-boobs hurt."_

Britt sat up and helped me sit too. She checked the bassinet and smiled. _"She's just lying there, wide awake. The moving of the van must be keeping her calm."_

_"Give her h-here."_

When I sat up, I could see that it was Ari that was driving with Celia up front with her. Isaac was asleep on the pull out couch, clutching his Elmo.

He looked lonely.

 _"Want me to bring him over?"_ Q asked, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

 _"Please."_ I whispered as I began to slowly unbutton my top. Britt was hunched over the end of the bed on her knees, changing the baby's diaper in the bassinet and Q was practically crawling to pick up Isaac and I felt useless.

At least that was until the baby was curled up in my arms, latched on and staring at me with hazelest eyes I had ever seen. _"Hi beba."_ I cooed as Quinn and Isaac curled up next to me, both asleep in seconds. Britt though had a hand around my back, rubbing her fingers softly over my hip, her chin on my shoulder.

_"Thank you for making all of this happen, baby. I know we have a long way to go before we can even begin to be anything but the fact that you are doing everything you can to be with me through this, it means the world to me."_

_"I love Court and y-your f-family."_ Then I looked at her in the eyes, _"And I love you."_

She leaned forward, her face hovering for a second and then she kissed me.

I kissed back and then let out a moan that was much louder than it should have been.

Cue the throat clearing from Quinn. I pulled away from Britt and looked over at Q.

 _"Take it easy."_ She said to us and I rolled my eyes.

 _"I d-don't comment on y-you and Ceily."_ I scolded and she huffed, snuggling her face into Isaac's hair, and choosing to ignore us.

Britt though, must have agreed as she kissed my lips once more and then glanced at Q before meeting my eyes again.

_"She's right. You can't make this too easy for me, okay. I need to work for it. Promise me."_

_"But B-"_

_"No, promise me you won't let me just come back to you. I nearly killed you and Daniela; I squeezed your neck until the very last second...even when you begged me to stop. You should hate me and if you don't, I need you to at least give me a consequence. I need to know that I could lose all of this...okay?"_

_"B-boundaries?"_ I asked.

_"Yes. That's why I don't say anything about you and Ari sharing sweet lady kisses...that's a consequence...it's making me work harder. We do need to take it easy and let it be for a bit longer. Okay? Promise?"_

_"I promise."_ I sighed and then shifted the baby to my other boob and rested my head back on the wall.

 _"Good."_ Britt kissed the top of the baby's head and then scooped up Isaac and took him back to the other couch. I watched as B got comfortable with him and went back to sleep.

 _"She's right."_ Q said.

_"N-no one asked you."_

_"Don't get crabby with me."_

_"I-I'll do what I w-want."_

Annoyed, I passed Daniela off to Quinn and then rolled over and faced the wall as the tears came. Rejection washed over me and I just felt so overwhelmed, but I didn't want anyone coddling me in that moment. Sometimes, a girl just needs to silently cry.

Thankfully, they left me alone.

* * *

When we stopped for gas again, Celia took the wheel and Quinn headed up to keep her company.

Ari slid in behind me and kissed the top of my head, before wrapping her arm around me.

_"We are about two hours away. Are you in pain?"_

_"N-not in that way."_

_"I'm here, okay?"_

_"Thanks."_

She held me and whispered prayers of healing in my ear until I fell asleep.

It felt good to fall asleep like that, without anything but the promise of peace and her comfort.

My body and mind were exhausted, I fell asleep in Ari's arms and woke up in Britt's. She was carrying me close to her chest as we climbed stairs. It took me a second to realize that we weren't at Mami's house but my old apartment.

Did I still have that?

Seeing my confusion, B filled in the blanks.

 _"You bought the building and renovated our old place."_ Britt said to me as we got to the door. _"Do you want to stand?"_

 _"No."_ I mumbled.

_"Q, open the door, the key is in my back pocket."_

She kissed my forehead and then stepped back to allow Q to open the door. Then she carried me into the apartment, bridal style.

Had we done this before?

 _"C-couch."_ I said and she nodded before helping me to my couch.

Ari and Quinn each had a baby, my sister had the bags.

 _"We are going to crash here tonight, no point waking anybody."_ Britt mumbled.

Then she walked away into the apartment, I guess checking out the rooms.

 _"I call dibs on the couch."_ Celia said and then Quinn nodded.

_"Great, I guess I'll bunk with B and Ari, you can stay with Santana."_

_"No."_ I said.

Ari just rolled with it. _"I agree, Britt should be in the room with her to help with the kids."_

 _"You're not a kicker are you?"_ Q asked and Ari shook her head.

_"Nope...lead the way."_

Once all the sleeping arrangements were figured out, everyone went to their corners and then it was just me and Britt, back in my old room with our kids.

It was surreal and it was almost like a perfect kind of reality until I remembered why we were here and all that had happened since February.

* * *

Daniela was not impressed with Lima, she kept me up most of the night and wouldn't even let Britt touch her. All she wanted was to be attached to my boob, so eventually, rather than keep up Britt and Isaac...I made my way out to the kitchen with the baby and my journal.

Everything was quiet as I alternated boobs and the baby seemed content again.

By the time the sun began to rise, I was feeling like deadweight as I fought like hell to stay awake and I managed it right up until Britt came out and pried the baby off me and demanded I go back to bed.

I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

My mind didn't go to the dark stillness of the lake, instead I was remembering the gaps in my memory.

And I was thinking of Sugar and tasting her until finally her voice was so loud and present that I forced myself awake.

Sure, enough there she was sitting in the bed next to me reading my journal out loud.

I groaned as I shifted on my side and she looked at me with the biggest grin.

_"Remember me yet?"_

_"Y-yeah."_

_"Good. So, tell me the deal, are we okay to have another go?"_

_"Nah."_ I said.

_"I had to try. Anyway, I came to bring by Carmen and little Nicky."_

_"Ca-Carmen's here?"_ I said trying to sit up but feeling the pain shoot through me.

Right, stitches.

Easy, Lopez.

_"Yeah, we came expecting it to just be you but there's a bunch of people out there."_

_"I t-travel h-heavy."_

_"How much do you hate the stutter?"_ She asked as she got up and stretched, her shirt rising and exposing her abs. I bit my lip as the memory of all the ways she topped me resurfaced.

 _"So much."_ I said.

_"Yeah, I see you looking. I know you miss being all up on this, but you missed your chance. Oh well. You getting up now or should I just come back? I mean, I'd rather do that...I need to go get my nails done."_

_"Go do that."_ I said.

 _"Say less."_ She said winking at me and then leaning forward and kissing my cheek. _"Now get up...want me to bring you a latte from the Lima Bean?"_

 _"No t-thanks...can't."_ I said even though I wanted coffee badly, but I wasn't allowed to have it until my stitches were healed and I had another EKG to check on my heart.

 _"I am SO not used to you telling me no. Let me leave before you shoot me down again."_ I watched Sugar strut out of the room, leaving the door open.

And she was right, there was a whole bunch of laughter and talking coming from the other room.

While it made me crazy happy to have so many people be here, hopefully filling Britt with some joy, I felt gross and needed to shower. I just hadn't done that completely alone yet and was feeling unsteady on my feet.

Gone was the version of me that was so willing to do shit on my own just because of my pride.

**_Are you here?-San_ **

**_Yes. Need me?-Q_ **

**_Please?-San_ **

**_On my way!-Q_ **

* * *

_"Wanna tell me what that was about last night?"_ Q asked as she held tight to my elbow while I insisted on washing myself.

_"No."_

_"San, she hurt you."_

_"Y-you don't think I k-know that?"_

_"Just be careful, okay? People do crazy things when they're grieving, and I don't want either of you to have regrets."_

_"She sh-shut it down."_

_"I know, she reminded me of that before she left but-"_ I cut her off.

_"She left?"_

_"Yes, she and Ari left together. Something about church and then going to see their moms."_

_"Oh._ _Just them?"_

_"She took Izzy because I insisted, that way we can be assured that she'll stay level. Was that okay?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Oh good, I was worried that you'd be pissed."_

_"No. S-she needs space. I feel ok w-with her wa-wandering around Lima."_

Q nodded and then began to wash my back.

_"Good."_

_"Wh-what about you and my s-sister?"_

_"We had sex last night."_

I nearly fell as I snapped my head to her, and she lost her hold on me. I grabbed onto the shower bar and her shoulder to keep myself from going down.

_"Explain."_

_"Once at the gas station outside Columbus and then in Lima after you all went to sleep, we broke into one of your other apartments and fucked."_

_"Uh g-gross...are y-you tog-gether?"_

_"No. Yes. I don't know?"_

_"M-maybe you should t-take y-your own ad-vice."_

_"I know. I have no right to come down on you but I am. I'll worry until she gives me reason not to and I will protect you and those babies, with my life. I never want to see you near death again."_

_"Thanks, Q."_

* * *

Seeing Carmen again, with only little splices of the time we spent reconnecting in my memory, was surreal.

Guilt surged through me, a combination of memories and what I've read in my journal had me just wanting to apologize but knowing Carmen the way that I did, she wouldn't want to hear that.

 _"Hi."_ I said, trying to keep my chin up and smile.

She stood up from the kitchen table as I leaned on my cane, seeing how stiff I had gotten, she came to me.

The moment that I was in her arms again, memories surged forward. I remembered the whole ordeal with running to Nico...him bleeding out...the cocaine...the way Marco had tried to set me up...how she fled New York when I wasn't around to stop her.

 _"Santi."_ She let out a sigh, _"My love."_

I hugged her tight and sobbed against her shoulder and she just kissed my forehead and rocked me.

She had the benefit of time to grieve Nico and everything she'd lost, for me it had JUST happened, and it hurt so much.

 _"I'm so sorry."_ I whispered finally as I let out a deep breath and tried to steady myself.

 _"Sit."_ She said, her voice clear. I did as she said, even though we were in MY place, I owed her this.

So, I sat and then she walked into the living room and came back a few moments later with a little bundle in her arms. When she stood in front of me again, she threw a blanket over my shoulder and then handed her baby to me.

 _"Meet Nikolai Santino Motta. Nico didn't blame you for this, neither do I. We agreed on his name as he was bleeding out. He didn't want vengeance...just for me to get our son far away from New York."_ She knelt in front of me, one hand on her son's head and the other on my cheek. She looked into my eyes with tears in hers, but her smile didn't falter. _"Would you do us the honor of being his godmother?"_

I looked down into a tan little face, the darkest eyes looking up at me, reminding me of Nico. The stare was serious but then he smiled, sweet boy.

 _"Yes."_ I said and then bopped the baby on the nose and unlike Daniela, who scrunched up little Nikolai smiled again and that's when I saw his Mama.

 _"Thank you."_ She stood back up and then reached for her son. I handed him over after dropping a kiss on the top of his head. I watched her head back to the living room and then there was murmuring. Sugar followed her back in the kitchen, carrying the car seat.

 _"Okay, sugar bear and Auntie, I'll see you later. Enjoy your time together...just not too much!"_ Before heading for the door, she yelled over her shoulder. _"Smooches!"_

 _"Auntie, s-sounds weird."_ I said and Carmen shrugged.

_"Tell me about it, I'm only 25 and she's 18 but I did marry her uncle, so I'm her aunt."_

_"W-weird."_

* * *

Quinn came out of the room carrying my own little bundle of joy with my sister following behind her with a screwed-up face.

 _"Wh-what's wrong?"_ I asked her.

 _"Quinn won't compromise."_ Celia grumbled.

I laughed then and then sang at her. _"And she won't!"_

Quinn snickered as she handed me my whining baby.

_"She won't take the bottle of breast milk, care to give her the real thing?"_

_"Yup, you t-two f-figure it out b-before the d-drive home, please."_ I muttered as I gave my grunting baby my nipple.

Quinn and my sister went into the guest room and closed the door.

When I looked up, Carmen had a soft look on her face.

_"Look at you! Wow...this is my favorite version of you, yet, Santi, my love."_

_"Me too."_

_"So, your sister caught me up on everything that happened...I wish I could have been there, at least when you were here with Sugar. I would have been able to talk her down and if not me, Nico. Then again, he would have put her down if she crossed that line while he was alive."_

_"Yeah."_

_"And now, she's got this great sorrow to deal with."_ Carmen bit her lip, I could tell she didn't want to say the wrong thing, so I held up my hand.

_"Don't say it. C-court was like a l-little s-sister to me. Th-this is my loss too."_

_"Right, you're right. I swear to you, it's been harder and harder not to turn into this callous person. She hurt you and that hurts me. This is why Nico was pushing you two towards a divorce. He could see it in her eyes when she was off her meds...he told me it was like a mirror."_

_"M-mirror?"_

_"That deranged monster within, just festering beneath the surface. It's why he was a hit man...he got to satiate that part of him that needed to release the aggression. When I made him stop, he had to find other ways, usually that meant putting me over his knee. God do I miss that. Anyway, so yeah...he saw himself."_ She teared up and then huffed, like the tears were beneath her. I knew the feeling.

_"L-like M-Marco too, guess I have a type."_

_"Yes. How is that pendejo?"_

_"Full of re-remorse."_

_"I bet. When Al went to the prison to beat some kind of confession out of him, he cracked. Pissed himself and cried like a little bitch about how sorry he was that Nico was his best friend, his brother and of course Al didn't like that. So now Marco is on thin ice with Al and the Motta's. If he steps out of line, he's done for."_

A lightbulb went off.

The way he was kind.

How he had done my toes after my heart surgery so that I'd wake up with nice feet.

Him being kind to Brittany when he wanted to throttle her for endangering his child.

It all clicked.

Marco was being nice because he had no other choice. Even in death, Nico's protection was covering me.

I just hope it lasted.

* * *

After getting to see Carmen for an hour, I felt a little more whole. Sugar came prancing in, with a fresh manicure. She kissed my forehead, kissed the baby, and then rushed Carmen out the door. It made me smile to see Carmen just as content as when Nico was here...even if she did seem a little haunted. She promised to go to a meeting with me whenever I was ready and while in the moment, I felt okay...you just never know.

Life comes at you fast.

I finished feeding my little girl and Q still hadn't resurfaced so I banged on my guest room door. There was a moan in response and I just knew they were fucking. Great.

This was not what I came to Lima for.

I put the baby down in her crib and then went in search of my phone.

And sure enough, there were a bunch of messages from B.

**_Sorry I left-Britt_ **

**_Needed to see Mom and Dad-Britt_ **

**_Izzy is eating pancakes-Britt_ **

**_My sister is really dead-Britt_ **

**_Mom asked if you want her books.-Britt_ **

**_Baby I need u!-Britt_ **

**_Ana, please?-Britt_ **

**_On my way!-Britt_ **

That last message was fifteen minutes ago.

**_Britt?-Ana_ **

**_Just parked. Come down to the van-Britt_ **

**_Not sure I can make it down the stairs alone-Ana_ **

**_Might get an elevator installed-Ana_ **

**_Meet you at top of steps-Britt_ **

I grabbed the baby monitor and left it outside the guest room door before heading outside in my slippers.

Britt looked flushed and out of breath as she came up the stairs, her face serious.

_"What is g-going on?"_

She dropped to her knees in front of me and took my hands in hers. My cane dropped to the ground beside me and I wobbled a bit.

 _"I have to be honest with you and I need you to not be mad."_ She saw the fear in my eyes and shook her head. _"Izzy is fine, he's with my mom. I kept my promise, I felt off, so I left him with her and got far away."_

 _"Wh-hat did you do?"_ I asked plainly.

_"I went to see the mausoleum that she's going to be put in. You know Court, never felt okay about dirt. It's all so real and I wanted to be with her."_

_"B...what did you do?"_

_"I wanted it to be quick, so I went to the gorge, the view was so pretty. I was going to jump if you didn't respond...but then Mom called, Izzy was screaming for me. When I saw his face, I realized what it would do to him knowing two of his parents killed themselves...you know?"_

I rested my hands on her face and pulled her head against my stomach, I couldn't look in her eyes right now as memories of Ian swam in my vision...mainly the call about what he had done.

Then I wondered if it was Ian that stopped her.

 _"You n-need help, baby."_ I responded, tears in my eyes, my throat feeling tight. _"M-more than 72 h-hours. M-more than a we-week."_

She buried her soaked face against my stomach and wrapped her arms around my waist, which definitely steadied me. I rubbed her head and she cried harder.

_"I know. After the funeral, I'll get help. When we are home. I promise you."_

* * *

_"Y-you w-were right."_ I whispered into my phone as I sat in the locked bathroom. It felt reminiscent of my old deceptions in so many ways. Britt was just on the other side, asleep in bed after letting out every tear she had.

 _"About going to a meeting?"_ Carmen said, without hesitation.

_"Yes."_

_"Do you need me to come get you?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Are you in danger?"_

_"Um...no."_

_"You're sure, my love?"_

_"Yeah. It's j-just a lot."_

_"Okay, just looked online, there's a meeting in thirty minutes down the street from you at Our Lady. I'll come over now and then we can head there together, I just need to get the baby down for a nap."_

_"Th-thanks."_

The doorknob jiggled and I ended the call without saying goodbye because old habits.

_"Ana? Are you okay?"_

_"Y-yeah."_ I said, pulling myself to my feet and then flushing the empty toilet before washing my hands.

_"Mom is coming over with Breadstix, to talk things out since you offered to help with the arrangements. Is that okay?"_

I pulled the door open and looked up into those stormy eyes. She looked into mine, just like she used to, searching for something that was long gone. I was craving again though, but I couldn't go there.

Daniela needed food, Isaac needed his Mami and I needed to heal.

My heart would probably explode if I so much as looked at coke.

 _"I uh...am going to a m-meeting soon w-with Carmen."_ I said to her. _"C-can you w-watch the baby?"_

 _"She's my daughter, you don't even need to ask."_ Then she caught what I said. _"Carmen?"_

_"Y-yeah. S-she was here e-earlier."_

_"How is she? Does she want to kill me? Is she gonna like sick the Motta's on me? Are you?"_

I wanted to shut her up, so I leaned in and kissed her hard. My body was humming as her hands came to my hips. I wanted her.

So bad but there was no way.

The last time I had gotten off was before the baby was born, before my heart surgery, and before I had decided to forgive B and let Ari go down on me.

B pulled me against her though and I kept kissing and nipping at her lips.

When her hands gripped my ass, squeezing it, making me feel like more than just a mom and invalid, I growled in my throat.

I'm not sure how we ended up on the bed, with her hovering over me, running her hand over my waist, just above the newest scar...the baby.

And then I turned my head towards the crib. Dark eyes looked back at me and I rolled my eyes.

 _"Hi baby girl."_ I said and Britt's creeping hand stopped moving.

_"I guess we should stop?"_

_"Yes."_

The door to the room swung open and my head snapped up, there stood Susan looking red faced as she looked at us in a compromising position.

Britt jumped up so quick, like she was caught red handed.

 _"It's not what it looks like!"_ She said, holding her hands up.

* * *

I cackled at how ridiculous it was that Britt was responding like a horny teenager instead of a woman making out with her ex-wife.

 _"San? You up?"_ I heard Q call from the hall.

 _"Oh great, more people."_ Britt said as Q came up behind Susan with a sleeping Isaac in her arms.

I pushed up from the bed and held my hand out to Britt, who was still standing like someone had a gun on her.

 _"B?"_ I called and she looked at me, finally dropping her hands, instead she reached out to me.

Once I was on my feet, I took slow steps towards Susan and opened my arms to her.

She wrapped me up tight, her head resting on top of my head, dwarfing me.

Is this what the hobbit felt like?

_"Thank you for offering to cover everything."_

_"S-she was my s-sister too."_ I said and she hugged me tighter, her body shuddering.

 _"I brought your favorite from Breadstix."_ She said as she stepped back and wiped her eyes.

Then I heard murmuring from the kitchen.

Carmen.

_"Do you m-mind w-waiting til I get b-back from my m-meeting?"_

She hugged me again, kissing my face.

_"Of course, I'm so proud that you're going, especially right now with everything. I'll hang out with the kids and when you get back, we can discuss what your budget is."_

I moved to the dresser and dug out my credit card before heading back to her and handing it to her.

 _"S-sky's the limit. Get whatever y-you want. P-please."_ I said.

She held one end of the card but seemed hesitant to take it fully from my fingers.

_"Are you sure? I don't think I can ever repay you."_

_"I w-would h-have paid for her c-college an-anyway. S-she w-was my s-sister and my fr-friend. Court d-deserved the w-world."_

_"Mom take the card, she'll get offended if you don't spend the money and find a way to pay for things behind your back."_ Britt said.

 _"B-Britt's right."_ I said and finally, Susan nodded and hugged me a third time and I let her.

The woman could hug me a million times and I would never turn her away.

Ever.

* * *

I sat with Carmen in the meeting and couldn't stop crying. Everything just hit me at once and I didn't care who saw me as I leaned into Carmen.

 _"God's time, not yours...let it out, my love."_ She had her arm around me as she whispered against my face. She pressed a kiss to my cheek and then we leaned our heads together as we both let our tears fall.

Then it was time to speak and despite this fucking stutter, I raised my hand.

_"Hi. I'm Ana."_

_"Hi, Ana."_

_"I'm an a-addict. I've b-been sober for e-eight months. My little s-sister died a few days ago, I'm h-here from New Y-york to bury her. T-today as I h-held my n-new baby and then l-later my ex-wife, all I w-wanted was to be n-numb. I-I only know one w-way of d-doing th-that. I c-came here in-instead."_

After I stopped talking, I got so much encouragement and love.

Then everyone prayed for me and my family.

I hated that I was feeling this way again, but I was so glad that God gave me what I needed to get through it.

Once the meeting was over, it coincided with evening mass and Carmen suggested that we stay.

And I'm glad that she did.

Being able to pray and follow along, gave me the moment alone with my thoughts and emotions that I needed.

I had to just let it be because as much as I wanted to there was no bringing Courtney back.

All that I could do was let go of my pride and take it day by day...right now I had to be whole for my kids because Britt would probably need to go into crisis. Who knows how long that would even take.

Once I was back in New York, I needed to be on about, my physical recovery and my sobriety.

So, what if I had to do it alone.

When you have money, are you every really alone?

And I had Q...my sisters...and my faith.

So many people had counted me out and were probably waiting for me to fall apart but as long as I kept giving myself moments to break down, so that I could properly heal.

Just like I learned in rehab...then I knew I'd be okay.

I couldn't keep things tight to my chest, all bottled up.

That was the secret to becoming the Santana that I had been before the world fell apart.

Letting go of my total control had been a mistake because I was doing so with someone who was so untethered.

The Bible says not to put your faith in mankind, and I got that now.

I had to rely on the things I knew were going to carry me through, my love for my kids, my faith in moving forward, and my God.

Carmen held my hand as I climbed into the car and then said something I hope to never forget.

_"Don't chase what you need, work on yourself and attract what you need. The world only fucks you up when you start worrying about what other people will think of you, there are only three souls on this planet that you should stop your world for."_

_"Who?"_

_"Isaac. Daniela. Yourself."_

_"And Nikolai."_ I said.

She blushed and then hugged me again.

It was just what I needed.

And in that moment, I fully understood what Frankie had said about Britt needing her own network outside of family

Carmen was mine outside of my family and so was Ari...Britt was my home, Ari was my church, and well Carmen...shit my rehab?

That sounds right.

We held hands, before she drove, and she prayed for me.

Not a Catholic prayer.

Something more direct and specific.

_"My love, I know that Santi still walks this Earth because you were taking care of her from the other side. Please continue to do so. Remind her of who she is and how loved she is, especially in the dark times and Father God, thank you for putting us in the right place, at the right time for once."_

It was the for once, for me.

Carmen was my own private meeting, and she was perfect.

God didn't give her to me when I wanted him to, he gave her to me when I needed her.

Thank God for unanswered prayers and moments of stillness.

To grieve.

To cry.

To just be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How am I doing? How are you doing?


	28. What Is Love? (V Bozeman)

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

There was once a time that the idea of Santana not coming home right away would make me crazy and I guess I had stopped thinking that way at some point once she was pregnant.

And then once she was just barely able to walk around on her own.

Now though, she was out in Lima two hours after her meeting ended, not responding to texts or phone calls from me or Quinn.

How sober was Carmen after Nico died?

Hadn't it been Carmen's drugs that Ana had sold to the Motta's?

Two hours of having to deal with Mom asking me what I thought Court would want was making me lose it.

Court was 11, she had absolutely no opinion on what color casket she'd need or if pink flowers were appropriate.

All of it felt wrong and I felt like I was the only one showing how upsetting it was.

I was left unchecked until I started yelling at the funeral director over the arrangements and Quinn finally had enough.

She snatched the phone out of my hand, mumbled an apology into it and then ended the call.

 _"You need to take a walk; you're upsetting your mom and Isaac. Take a look around."_ Quinn whispered harshly at me, in full HBIC mode. I had missed this side of her, the one that wasn't afraid to call me out instead of the recent one who had been on eggshells around me.

So, I looked.

My son was staring up at me from his highchair with tears in his eyes as he chewed on a bread stick and Mom was holding Dani with tears in her eyes too.

Had I been that bad?

But I just couldn't stop so I snapped back at Quinn.

_"Where is she? The meeting is long over, Q."_

_"She trusts you to walk around Lima, why can't you give her that same trust?"_

_"Because, Q, she was feeling off when she left here. She said it herself, that's why she needed a meeting. What if...I don't know, she found coke or something?!"_

Quinn looked past me, and I threw my hands up, waiting for her to pay attention.

 _"I didn't."_ Ana's voice was clear as it came from behind me.

I turned and she was standing there, looking exhausted and her eyes were bloodshot.

_"Where were you?"_

_"I w-went to the me-me-meeting."_ She said sounding dazed.

Then the door opened and in stepped Ari, holding Ana's purse and a bag.

 _"I told you to wait for me, you shouldn't have tried the steps all alone."_ Ari said as she pressed her hand to Ana's back. It had taken an eternity but in this moment, it finally happened...I hated Ari.

 _"Was with Ari."_ She mumbled.

_"I called you like ten times."_

Ana looked at me with these sad eyes and I couldn't get myself to calm down.

She backed away and walked towards my mom.

_"C-can I h-have her?"_

Mom being the better person, glared at me and then insisted that Ana sit down first because she looked unsteady.

 _"Back down, Brittany, come talk to me instead."_ Ari said to me as she put Ana's cane within her reach.

 _"No, I don't want to talk to you! There's only so much perfect I can take!"_ I growled at her and then I was snapped out of it by Ana smacking her hand down on the table.

When our eyes met, she did something that threw me. She held up her hand, fingers wiggling, and I raised my eyebrow.

Then she put down two fingers.

 _"Calm d-down!"_ She growled at me.

But I didn't, I turned back to Ari who was closer now her eyes looked glassy and bloodshot too. That of course made no difference to the anger monster in me.

_"Did she tell you that we made out today? That she let me feel her up?"_

I looked from Ari to Ana who dropped another finger.

 _"She didn't but that's fine. I respect her needs at all times."_ Ari said.

I threw my hands up.

_"Of COURSE, you do!"_

_"Mama no!"_ Izzy yelled throwing his bread stick to the ground.

It was all so fast as I approached him but then there was a vice grip on my arm as Mom yanked me back.

 _"I'm taking her home."_ She said to the room at large. _"Santana, I wrote everything down and left your card with the list."_

Ana had just one finger up and it her middle finger as she glared.

I don't think I had ever seen her flip me off.

That was new.

Did they think I was going to hurt Izzy?

I would never.

* * *

_"No. With all due respect, Mrs. Pierce, she'll just go home with you and leave when you look away only to do something drastic. Ana not coming home was my fault and if Brittany wants to be mad about me being perfect or whatever, that doesn't really phase me. I've survived Cancer four times in 18 years. So please, stay here and spend time with your grandchildren. I think that me and Brittany are long overdue for a conversation."_

I sighed because hadn't we been talking all these months?

Hadn't I been nicer since she pulled me down in the spray of bullets?

But I could see that this seemed to make Ana happy...so I forced my feet into my shoes and followed Ari out into the hallway.

 _"Where are we going?"_ I said as I followed her down the stairs to the parking lot.

_"Just gonna have a friendly talk, you want answers about where she was. I have them. You want to yell and scream, that's cool too but I'm not going to let you terrorize your mother and Santana and your kids just because you're hurting. You're better than this. I SEE you Brittany...so just shut the fuck up, for once and come on."_

Not once had she stopped moving as she spoke, she was on a full-on storm out and I could see it now, how she and Santana were two halves to a whole.

I hadn't expected her to open up the van and stand to the side. She waved me inside and I climbed in, confused.

Once we were both inside, she slammed the door closed.

We were alone now, and she pointed to the couch.

_"Sit, please."_

_"What are we doing in here?"_

_"Talking. Sit down please, you're taller than me and I don't need you towering over me with your history."_

_"My history?"_

_"Standing over people and choking them."_

Her directness stunned me, and I sat down but she didn't.

_"So where was she?"_

_"In here, with me."_

_"What?"_

_"Carmen dropped her off after they went to mass following their meeting. I was waiting for her and told her that I needed to talk, so we came in here and we talked just like this."_

_"Why didn't she just say that?"_

_"Because she was trying to respect my wishes to not be the fucking center of attention. Your sister just died, and she is just finding out about her Abuela-"_

I was floored. She hadn't told me that she knew.

_"She knows? Since when?"_

_"Her mom told her just before we got on the road...that's why I took her to church before we headed out...so she could take a moment for herself."_

_"Oh. I didn't know that she knew."_

_"Well now you do. You're truly grieving together in this...so you need to back the fuck off. She has been through a lot because of you and she's trying so hard to support you, regardless of what she's feeling. She just had a baby and a heart attack two weeks ago; her body aches and she's just starting to scar from the heart surgery. Cocaine hasn't been high on her priority list...at least not until today when you broke down and told her you were suicidal."_

_"Oh."_

_"And then I...had to tell her something too...so she is feeling it from all sides. I know my role in her life, I'm supposed to be her peace, but I may not have that strength for much longer."_

I could see it now...what I didn't want to see.

_"Your Cancer is back?"_

She nodded and then finally sat. _"That's where I went after church this morning, to confirm what I've been suspicious of for weeks. I've been in remission for six years, Brittany and this couldn't come at a worse time. Ana needs me and really, so do you...with me there to give her love, she isn't becoming cold and shut off. I give her the love that you can't give her right now, but my diagnosis is aggressive. I'm at Stage 2, which is further than I was last time. I had already warned her that I suspected this, so I didn't think she'd be that upset but then she told me about your breakdown and how she was JUST coming from a meeting. I feel like crap about it. She didn't take it well...obviously."_

_"Obviously?"_

_"She sat here and cried, then she yelled at me for putting off going to the doctor. Then she was asking me if I needed a second opinion...and of course, she offered to throw money at it but that's not what I need. Then...well...she...we did other stuff."_

I was on my feet, fire in my veins as I towered over her.

_"You brought me to a place where you just fucked my wife?"_

_"Ex-wife and she fucked me."_ There was a coldness in Ari's eyes that reminded me of Marco, she had a look that was daring me to do something which freaked me out...were they all fucking crazy?

Were WE all crazy?

Ana had a type.

Angry...crazy...entitled.

But Ari was supposed to be different.

_"Why tell me that?"_

_"Consequence. It's what you asked her for. This is your consequence. I could have taken you anywhere, but bringing you here and telling you that, needs to wake you up. It was the first time that she did something to me. Which means, she was reaching out for something more. So you need to understand that the more you push her away with your misplaced anger, the more she is going to reach for love elsewhere and if I'm no longer around it will just be Sugar or Carmen or someone else...maybe even Quinn."_

I sat back down and buried my face in my hands.

_"Fuck."_

_"I agree with your mom, maybe it would be better for you to go home and spend the rest of the time there."_

I looked up at her, feeling like she was just trying to get me out of the way.

_"Why, so you can stay in the bed with her and take care of MY kids?"_

_"No...so she can see that you're being serious about your anger. Didn't you promise her that you would keep yourself away from them when you were like this?"_

_"I did."_

_"So, get yourself together...I'll wait, and you should know, that her entire family is coming for the funeral...so whatever this anger explosion is...I'd reign it in before Gladys or Sandra sees it. The Lopez family is coming together to be there for you on the strength of Ana, do you want to go back to how it was when she was in the coma? Like really think about your next few moves, Brittany. I know you're hurting but is this how you want to honor Courtney?"_

_"Of course not."_

_"You have the rest of your life to freak out about this but right now, your mom and dad need you. Don't make them have to worry about you too."_

Her words hit me like a mountain of trolls.

She was right.

Crap.

* * *

_"You know her better than me."_

_"On a base level but that's because well, we are semi-soulmates. I get her and she gets me...so much can go unsaid."_

_"I know that, I don't like it but there's nothing I can do about it. Now that I have met you and you saved my life, I just have to put up with you being there but you're right, you being around has kept her from hating me. It's just not easy...being me."_

_"No one has it easy. We all have our baggage. What I don't get is why you don't channel your anger right."_

_"Channel?"_

_"Focus, like you dance, it's your job. Put the anger into dancing or running, something productive because if you keep going like this, she's going to take everything from you."_

_"Is that a threat? Did she say that?"_

_"No. I just know her. It will come down to protecting them and she will sacrifice her own happiness just to keep them safe. You know what it was like with her dad. She will do for her kids what her mother never did for her, she will shield them from you."_

_"I don't want that."_

_"I know you don't. So, do something about it."_

_"Okay, I'm ready to go up."_

She looked in my eyes and then nodded, before pulling the door open.

We walked back up the steps and I could see her wince.

_"I'm fine. Just let's go."_

_"What can I do?"_

_"Nothing."_

I stopped short of going back inside, putting my hands-on Ari's shoulders.

_"I'm serious. You saved my life, please tell me how I can help?"_

She looked hesitant but then rolled her eyes.

_"Ever thought of donating bone marrow?"_

_"Um...I haven't why, do you need some?"_

_"It could fix this if you're a match. It was Marco that saved my life when I was younger, we are a match but after all the drugs he did, I wouldn't want his blood in my body, you know?"_

_"Tell me what to do and I'll get tested. If I'm a match, you can have it."_

_"It's really painful, Britt."_

_"I survived a gunshot wound and still danced. I'll be fine."_

_"Thanks, Brittany."_

_"No, thank you. I needed a wakeup call that wasn't my mom crying and yelling at me."_

_"I thought so...come on, let's show her that you got over yourself."_

_"Easier said, than done."_ I muttered and then put a smile on my face before pushing back into the apartment.

* * *

You know that feeling where a whole room stops talking when you walk in and you just know that they were all talking about you?

When we pushed the door open, it was the opposite of that. Celia and Quinn were cuddled up on the couch watching television.

Isaac was sitting on the recliner with his Elmo staring at the television too.

None of them paid me any mind.

Ari sat on the floor in front of the recliner, joining right in on the chill time.

Which meant, she had done all she planned to do and everything else was up to me.

I walked into the kitchen and mom was talking Ana through washing the baby's hair in the sink.

And that's when I remembered that this was really Ana's first time dealing with a newborn.

Gladys hadn't really been there...even now...as much as she hovered during and just after the coma, lately she had been radio silent.

Mom glanced my way and then muttered something to Ana, but she just shook her head.

 _"S-she can wait."_ She said, loudly so that I knew she was NOT over this.

And I didn't blame her.

Instead of arguing or showing my anger, I checked the clock...it was nearing nine and Izzy was still in his clothes and looking sticky.

So, I went back to the living room and crouched down next to the recliner.

 _"Hey buddy."_ I said and he looked at me and crossed his arms over his chest. His mother's son, through and through. I made a sad face at him and then picked up his Elmo and made my voice super high. _"HI THERE!"_ I squeaked at him in my best Elmo voice and his eyes got big. _"LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA, IZZY'S WORLD, LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA, IZZY'S WORLD! IZZY LOVES HIS BATH TIME, HIS MAMAS TOO, THAT'S IZZY'S WORLD! HA HA HA!"_

Izzy clapped his hands together and this time when I reached for him, he reached back for me. I could feel eyes on me, but I couldn't focus on anyone but my son. Maybe she wasn't going to let me prove to her that I was trying to be better, but I could show her.

This was my routine with our son, feed him, bathe him, give him a story and cuddle with him and Elmo until he knocked out. Once he was in my arms, I marched through the kitchen, past Mom and Ana, straight to the bathroom.

I sat my son on the floor with his Elmo, while I got the bathtub going. At nine months old, Izzy was already wobbling around but he was also lazy and preferred to be carried, so I knew he was going to just sit until I told him otherwise. Even still, as I tested the water, I kept a hand on his head...I had already learned my lesson about letting my eyes off him when he flew off that stage.

Losing my attention this time could have him drinking out of the toilet and that would not fix anything.

There was a soft knock on the door and then it cracked open, Quinn poked her head in.

_"Hey, not intruding just thought you'd want the bath toys that San had in the guest room for him."_

_"Just toss them in thanks."_

Quinn tossed in Elmo toys that must have been holdovers from when Ana had spent time here in September because I had never seen them before.

_"It was good seeing you with him a while ago. Do you need anything else?"_

I wanted to tell her to fuck off or to go away but I couldn't do that to her...she would tell Ana and then I'd be in even deeper trouble.

_"Can you grab a towel for him and maybe put out a change of clothes and a diaper?"_

_"Sure."_

_"Thanks, Q."_

_"You're welcome, B."_ She said and then pulled the door closed behind her.

Izzy pulled away from my hand and tried to crawl away, but I caught him before he could go too far.

 _"I don't think so, buddy."_ I said and tickled him until he stilled.

Like Ana he HATED being tickled and made that mad face at me again but this time I put on a mad face too. _"If you don't let me undress you, you won't get to play with your Elmo toys that are swimming in there."_

He twisted his face and walked towards the tub and looked over the edge at the little Elmo's swimming in the bubbles. Then I called out to him in a little voice. _"Izzy, hurry up! We are gonna take all the bubbles! Hurry Izzy! Hurry!"_

Frantically he turned to me and lifted his hands for me to take off his shirt.

Once he had the concern that he was going to miss out, undressing him was a breeze.

I dunked him in the water and sat him against the kiddie bath barrier that Ana had installed at some point. I don't know why I let doubts get to me. She was a really good mom; she'd been here with him all alone and had made sure he was taken care of.

I owed her a big apology.

But I knew that my words meant nothing...it had to be all action.

Just like dancing.

I had to channel it all into my movements, then she'd see.

Everyone would see.

* * *

For the next few days, I didn't leave my mother's side unless it had to do with giving Ana a break with Izzy or Dani. There were no more stolen kisses between us, just me making sure that the kids were taken care of.

I left the caring of Ana to Quinn, Celia, and Ari.

At first, I felt like they were going to dump on me but when I packed up my bag after putting Izzy down that night and told Ana that I needed to be closer to my mom, not a single person argued.

When Friday came and it was time for the funeral, something Mom had insisted we do all in one shot because she couldn't not let her baby rest another minute, I went back to the apartment and got Izzy dressed in his pajamas and made sure that Dani had enough breastmilk for the day and possibly night.

Despite Ana feeling like she was terrible for doing this, she gave into Carmen saying she'd take the kids for the day.

While Ana fed the baby and then dressed her, I made sure my son was in his best mood because when he got in one of his bad moods, no one could cheer him but Ana.

Not even me at my most Elmo.

But he seemed to know that we needed a break today because he was just as cheerful as always.

When Carmen showed up and we saw each other eye to eye for the first time since the day of the shooting, the world seemed to slow, _"I'm so sorry for your loss, Brittany. Let me know if you need me to keep them overnight or anything at all",_ she threw herself at me and hugged me tight.

_"Thanks."_

I wasn't expecting it and with Izzy in my arms, I couldn't fight her off, so I just rubbed her back.

 _"It ok. Ki Ki?"_ Izzy said. Carmen pulled back and looked at my son and kissed his face.

_"Thanks, little man."_

_"Elcome!"_ He said and then clapped.

Sugar came in and clapped her hands together, Izzy's eyes were on her and he grinned. Then she put on a way better Elmo voice than I think Elmo even has. _"Wanna come play with me today?"_ And surprisingly he reached for her.

I guess he remembered her.

The pang of jealousy I felt, needed to be pushed down.

Fast!

Ana came out of the room and kissed Carmen's cheek, then she handed the baby to me.

 _"C-carseat."_ She said to me and then she pulled Carmen into a hug.

Dani was asleep when I helped settle the kids in the car with Sugar still having a full-on conversation with Izzy in that Elmo voice.

I looked up at the apartment window and could see Ana standing there in her robe watching us.

Waiting.

* * *

I headed upstairs and Ana was waiting for me by the door, her eyes wet and her mouth pressed into a straight line.

_"Did I forget something?"_

_"No."_

_"Can I help you get ready?"_

_"Are we ok?"_ She asked, sounding more hesitant than she should be.

_"Who knows, right now...as shitty as it feels to say...all I know is that I need my wife. I know I don't deserve you in that way but today...I need it. Please?"_

_"S-say less."_ She said and then pressed her hands to my cheeks and kissed my lips softly.

She tasted like coffee and cinnamon bubble gum, which meant super tasty.

Having her lips against mine, so soft and inviting felt so much like a truce.

I was grateful that Q and Celia had left to pick up the family from the airport, giving us time to be together.

Not that we could do much...not in her condition but kissing was enough.

More than enough.

More than I deserved.

We pulled away after a bit and then I took her hand and led her to the room.

She was soft touches as we showered together for the first time in forever.

And I got to actually see her fully.

I could see the nervousness in her eyes as she stood there letting me touch her scars.

There was a pink one that went from her collarbone down to the top of where her abs used to be.

She hissed when I softly touched the skin around it.

 _"Does it hurt?"_ I asked and she shook her head.

 _"J-j-just your t-t-touch d-d-does things to me."_ She said and then rolled her eyes.

Her stutter became more pronounced and it was kind of cute to see her flustered.

Then I dropped down to the other pink scar that sat above a darker one.

Dani and Izzy.

Our angels.

* * *

I stood up again and looked in her eyes, they were searching mine as her fingers trailed across my lower stomach. I grabbed her wrist, firmly but not too tight.

 _"Not yet. I don't deserve that...just kiss me...that's more than enough."_ I said and she nodded.

She sighed, actually looking a little relieved before she leaned up and kissed me hard.

I held her against me, kissing her with everything I had until the water began to run cold.

 _"N-need b-better w-water heaters."_ She grimaced.

And I cackled.

_"Have you been taking notes on how to improve the building this whole week?"_

_"Duh. It is an in-investment."_

_"So, tell me, you put the house in New York in Isaac's name...what about this complex?"_

She dropped her head and then looked up at me with watery eyes.

_"O-ours."_

_"Wait, I own this?"_

_"P-partly."_

_"Really?"_

_"Y-yeah."_

_"Oh then, I need to see everything, like to make sure we can rent it to other teen moms and stuff."_

_"Right?!"_

_"I love you. One day, maybe I can show you how much again...since you show me every single day...I know I can never compare but I will try."_

_"I love you too, B."_

Not a stutter or a waver in her eyes, my eyes which had been dry for three days watered and I knew then, that there was no chance of make-up today.

And I'm sure, that's just how Court would have liked it.


	29. The Hurt (James Chatburn)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**The Viewing**

* * *

_"I can't do this."_ Britt muttered as we sat parked in the driveway of the funeral home. She sat staring ahead, her eyes glassy as she held tight to my hand. _"She should have been burying all of us. I hate this. It was too soon. She had so much life to live and dreams...so many dreams to accomplish."_

 _"I know."_ I whispered as I leaned against her shoulder, staring ahead at the hearse that would house Court's body on the journey to Chicago for her burial.

_"Ari told me that I have the rest of my life to freak out about this but right now, I needed to be strong for Mom and Dad."_

_"Wh-what do you th-think?"_

_"I think she's right. I don't want to do this but I have to for them."_

_"Wh-what can I do?"_

_"Can we sneak away after? Just for a little while, I need cuddles and just you."_

_"Yes."_

_"Without Ari or Quinn...just...you and me and our kids?"_

_"Yes."_

_"After Chicago?"_

_"Ok."_

That seemed to do the trick because she pressed a long kiss to my forehead and then finally got out of the car. She ran around and pulled my door open, holding her arm out like the gentlelady she could sometimes be.

As I steadied myself, half on my cane and half on her...I tried to stand tall...back straight with my chin up, what I felt extra grateful for was that this initial viewing would be over by the time my family got here.

I made sure to send Q and Ceily with the suped up van. I just needed Britt to not have to deal with my family and the drama that inevitably followed first thing in the morning.

 _"B-Breathe."_ I said to Britt as we hovered just outside the doors. She looked at me and nodded, making her face serious just like mine.

She leaned in and kissed me on the lips, hard and quick as if she was afraid that it was our last kiss.

What she didn't get was that...even after EVERYTHING she put me through...for me it would always be her.

The real her who was vulnerable, loyal, and honest with me always.

Once she was back as a constant, Ari and I ended.

I knew it.

Ari knew it and maybe on some base level, Britt knew too.

Just as we were heading inside, I saw the silhouette of the van and knew that this moment of calm between us might not last long.

I knew it then, if I wanted Britt to properly heal, I had to be the one to keep my family far away from her once she was in treatment.

This is what it meant for me to know I had taken vows.

Divorce, for me was just we don't build lives together anymore but that vow that I made before God (legal on paper or not), was tantamount to an unbreakable vow. I had married Britt and her family, today being here was to be by her side for better or worse, sickness and health until death.

Full stop.

* * *

Britt's parents sat in the first pew, amongst most of Britt's family. She looked straight ahead and clutched my hand tighter but I didn't flinch.

A hand wasn't a neck.

My mind and heart had been prepared for Britt to break out into sobs when we got to the front but what I didn't expect was to go down first. The moment that I saw Britt's little sister in the black Ravenclaw robes that I had bought her for her birthday, I broke. She had been asking for them for months and I knew her parents couldn't afford them...at least not the ones that she wanted.

So I went ahead and bought a set of robes for the both of us.

And now, she'd get to be in them forever.

I dropped down onto the stool, kneeling there, in front of her too still body and clutched her hand. Britt stood just next to me, a hand on my shoulder and the other hand covering mine and Court's.

 _"M-may God fill your eternity w-with plenty of reading n-nooks."_ I whispered to her and then I began to sob.

Britt leaned in close to Court's ear, her hand still cupping mine tightened the closer she got. I squeezed back and she let out a whimper and then I watched as she whispered to her sister.

I could hear the crying from behind me.

As a mom, I didn't even want to imagine this possibility.

I'd want to go with my baby, to protect them.

How must Susan feel and then I remembered Britt wanted to be strong so finally I tugged on her hand.

She'd been laying on Court's chest trying to hear her heart.

_"Wake up...please...we can switch...please CoCo? Remember when I called you that? You were Coco and I was BiBi."_

_"B?"_ I whispered and she finally was back to herself.

 _"I'm gonna miss you so much, Court. I am going to do something to honor you everyday. Give PawPaw and LT Sr. cuddles for me. I love you."_ She said, before turning to me and offering her arms.

Once I was steady again, we turned and began to walk to the first pew.

Susan smiled at us and then stood and held her arms out for me.

 _"Thank you for coming."_ Then when I could only hear her she continued, _"Court loved those robes, said she wanted to d-die in them. She didn't get that wish but now she can have them for always. I love you."_

 _"I love you."_ I said, kissing her cheek before stepping to the side so Britt could hug her mom.

Seeing Britt be strong for her mom, made me proud. She kept kissing her cheek and hugging tight.

They stood there crying and then Rob stood up, he waved me closer and then wrapped his arms around all of us.

Once our heads were together, he said. _"I know this sucks but once we are done, we can go to her favorite pizza joint...maybe head to the bookstore. All her favorite back home stuff."_

We remained like that, heads bent together until the sound of the organ played.

It was time.

* * *

**The Service**

* * *

The entire first pew was blocked off for just the four of us, which was a good thing because Britt was fidgeting her hands, moaning while trying to hold in sobs, and visibly breaking.

At least her breakdown was obvious to me because I knew the her that she tried to hide.

Rob held Britt's other hand in his lap as people began to come in and form a line to see Court.

When I saw the first person in line, in all black I nudged B who had her head down and eyes closed.

 _"Look."_ I whispered.

Her head popped up and when she saw Sue Sylvester at the front with a line of Cheerios behind her, she gave a watery smile and stood up to greet Sue when she came our way.

Seeing Sue hold tight to Britt whispering things in her ears that had Britt nodding profusely, I was so grateful that I had Q make the call. The Cheerios followed suit with Sue, giving their condolences to Britt and her parents, then came the middle school cheer squad that were feeders for McKinley, Court as uncoordinated as she could be was an amazing flyer. So seeing her teammates come in and lay their pompoms down and take a knee, I felt my heart swell.

Sue took one look at this and gave the Cheerios a look and they took a knee as well, leading the girls through an Our Father before they all got up and made their way to their seats.

 _"That was...wow."_ Rob said, wiping his eyes. Then he smiled, _"I had no idea that you cheer girls were like a real mafia."_

 _"You have no idea."_ Britt muttered and then she actually laughed and so did Susan.

Rob was our levity as we stood taking condolences for the next half hour.

Then just as the crowd began to trickle down, the Lopez family in ALL their glory came in as a unit with Quinn among them carrying Isaac.

 _"B?"_ I whispered as she played with the fingers on my left hand...specifically my ringless finger.

 _"Hmm?"_ She said without lifting her eyes.

_"Look."_

She glanced over and rolled her eyes when she saw my family but then she saw who I was referring to.

_"Izzy? Isn't he supposed to be with Carmen?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"But Q picked him up anyway?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Remind me to hug her tight."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

Once Britt had her own personal teddy bear in her arms, getting through the service seemed easier. Even Rob and Susan took turns holding Isaac, who was just as happy to be held as always.

Now that I had Isaac and Britt to look after, I was able to silence the voice inside me that wanted nothing more than to shake Courtney awake myself. I hated that we were here, doing this.

And my body agreed, my head was pounding

These past few days, with Ari hovering over me, taking care of my every need and reminding me to take my medicine, it's been easy to forget that I've only been out of the hospital for about five days.

I'd been on a constant schedule of painkillers and anti-seizure meds, that Ari had programmed into my alarms. Only today, I'd had my phone off so when I felt the trickle of a nose bleed accompany my headache in the middle of the eulogy, I dug a tissue out of my purse and then leaned closer to B.

_"C-can you h-help me to the b-bathroom?"_

She looked at me and her eyes went wide. Rob was up giving the eulogy, so Britt had to interrupt a tearful Susan to take Isaac but her mom didn't flinch, she just took our son and rocked him in her arms. Happy for the distraction.

As quickly as she could, Britt helped me to my feet and we made our way down the side aisle towards the back.

I chanced a glance towards my family and sure enough, each and every one of them was watching us...me walking off with Britt...all alone, her clutching my elbow to steady me and I could see the worry in their eyes.

And I knew that if they could cause a scene they would but they had too much pride.

I was certain though that if we took too long returning, one of my sisters would come looking.

 _"Where are your pills?"_ Britt asked me as we stood in the cramped bathroom.

It was fit for one or two people but there was no way one of my family members would be able to squeeze in with us.

Even through everything, right at that moment, I trusted B.

I leaned against the sink and pulled my little pill sorter from my purse.

When I flipped open Friday, there were four pills in there instead of two, which meant that I had forgotten my morning dose.

 _"Shit."_ I muttered.

Britt filled up a little paper cup in the sink and then put it down on the counter top. Then she damped a paper towel and began to wipe my upper lip and my nose.

 _"There was a time, that nosebleeds meant cocaine."_ She said, _"I'm glad that it's not that anymore but I'm sad that whatever this is goes back to something stupid that I did."_

 _"Me too."_ Our eyes met then and I could see the apology in her eyes.

_"Are you feeling pain?"_

_"My b-back and legs."_ I said. _"And my h-head."_

 _"When did you last eat?"_ She asked as she poured the pills into her palm but I didn't answer. Her head lifted and she was looking in my eyes again. _"You're slipping again with food aren't you? I should have noticed._ " She reached into her pocket and pulled out a semi-crushed pack of cookies. _"Eat."_ She said and then leaned back against the wall and waited.

_"B...I d-don't n-need to eat. Not hu-hungry."_

_"Please? I can't worry extra today...please eat...even if it's just one cookie. Are you feeling postpartum depression?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"It's natural, even Q had it. Did you tell your doctors?"_

_"No."_ I said, wiping any stray tears away.

_"Because Court died while you were still in there, you probably have been telling yourself this is just your grief. Haven't you?"_

I couldn't look at her as I took a small bite of one of the cookies and as if to show her gratitude to B, my stomach growled and Britt smirked.

 _"Maybe."_ I finally said before finishing the cookie.

 _"This I can do. Taking care of you is like what I was made for. I'm not doing that whole control thing like before but I am going to make sure that you don't fall back into bad habits. Our kids need you, Santana."_ I flinched at the full name and she rolled her eyes. _"I need you to know I'm serious...can you eat another for me?"_

I pulled another cookie from the four pack and began to nibble on it...not wanting to talk about this.

Ari hadn't really been around for the eating disorder. It had started when she was banished from my life when I needed to feel control over something, so Ari didn't know that she should be paying attention and Quinn was distracted by Celia.

I had been eating enough to keep myself moving but the idea of sitting at a table and chowing down made my stomach swirl.

 _"B...I c-can't."_ I tossed the half eaten second cookie into the trash and then bit down on my lip, trying not to vomit.

_"Stop thinking of food. Just be in this moment...unless you want to go back to a hospital? I still have three of your doctors in my phone."_

That was enough of a threat. I powered through another cookie and then handed the last cookie back to her. _"No m-more."_ I said and she seemed satisfied, finally giving me my pills and a cup of water.

She watched me with concern creasing her brows.

Then there was a knock at the door.

 _"B?"_ It was Quinn.

_"Yeah?"_

_"It's almost your turn to go up."_

_"Thanks. We will be out in a second, right Ana?"_

I knew what she was doing, making me talk so that Quinn could report back to the family that I was still breathing.

 _"I'm fine."_ I said, cheerfully. _"Go."_

 _"Okay, just...don't be too long or Gladys will be next to check in."_ Quinn grumbled and I knew that she was just as annoyed with my family as I was.

Please God, let this moment be the only drama of the day.

* * *

**The Repast**

* * *

_"Are you sure you'll be okay with them?"_ Britt asked Carmen for umpteenth time since we got to her house. I had expected to walk in to my baby crying for me but she was in the swing fast asleep.

We had detoured to drop Isaac back off with Carmen, since I really didn't like the idea of him being separated from Daniela...even if they were both still babies. It would be different if Sandra had brought Tito for him to play with but she hadn't, so it was better for him to be around other kids.

I trusted Carmen to not curse around him or use him as a pawn in an argument.

Like my family had done when trying to keep Britt in check.

_"I'm positive. When do you think you'll be back?"_

The baby let out a cry from the swing and I sat on the couch beside her expectantly. Britt rolled her eyes and brought me my baby.

I buried my nose in her neck and sniffed her sweet baby scent before pulling a pillow onto my lap and situating us so I could give her what she really wanted.

And because it was just us, and I had frankly, slept with all three of the women in the room, I let my boobs hang out.

Britt didn't see me at first, going back to her hot chocolate and talking semantics with Carmen who was keeping an eye on Sugar and Isaac. I was brushing my fingers over Daniela's face when I heard a wolf whistle.

 _"Hot Mama!"_ Sugar said and Britt's head whipped towards me.

 _"Are you trying to seduce all of us right now, baby?"_ Britt teased and I rolled my eyes.

 _"Yup."_ I said and went back to paying attention to my daughter.

 _"I'm game!"_ Sugar said and Carmen glared at her until she went back to the living room. _"Or not. Sheesh."_

 _"So Britt, what's the plan?"_ Carmen asked.

_"We are following the hearse to Chicago and having a burial with my family there. Then we are going to dinner and then we might get a room for the night."_

_"Just you two?"  
_

_"Well yeah, my parents are staying in Chicago for a while. They only...um...stayed in Lima for my sister...she had cheer and book club...and soccer. Now though, it's just them. So me and Ana will come back alone."_

_"Are you sure you'll be okay?"_

_"No but I gotta do what I gotta do."_

_"You'll call me...I need to stay in the loop and I'll call if anything."_

_"Th-thanks, Carmen."_ I muttered as I shifted the baby to my other boob. She was already back asleep but I just wanted her to be completely full before we left.

As we said our goodbyes to the kids, Carmen pulled me off to the side.

 _"You look unsteady...are you okay. Don't bullshit me, Santi."_ She said looking between my eyes back and forth before pulling me into a too tight hug. I had just shrugged in response, too tired to lie. _"You need a meeting."_ It wasn't a question and I knew that she was saying that part loud enough for Britt to hear her but I wasn't the old me. I knew better than to fight my recovery.

 _"We will go to one."_ Britt chimed in and then hugged us both before slipping her hand in mine. _"But we really do need to get on the road. The burial is in five hours and it's a four hour drive without traffic."_

* * *

I sat staring out at the road, my head feeling fuzzy as the drugs began to wear off. I felt nauseous and felt the tears coming. Britt had been singing along to every happy song she could think of and blasting the heat on 1000.

And before I could ruin her old beat up truck, I slapped my hand on her leg and covered my mouth.

She pulled to the side of the road and I got the door open just enough to make it out onto the runner and the road as stomach bile rolled off my tongue.

I felt the coolness of her hand rubbing my back underneath my shirt.

 _"Is it the painkillers?"_ She asked when I sat back up and wiped my mouth with my sleeve. _"Are you getting hooked on them?"_

 _"No."_ I muttered because dammit no. I would not be a pill popper being a coke addict was more than enough. _"W-w-withdrawal. I am sp-spacing th-them out."_

_"Oh and you're not really eating, which isn't helping. You know what this calls for?"_

_"What?"_ I croaked as she pulled onto the road, turned the heat off, and rubbed at my leg.

_"Something cold and something heavy. I'm going to stop for food and then you are going to eat all of it before you take your medicine. Then I think you should take a nap for the rest of the ride."_

I rolled my eyes at her, this sounded an awful lot like her trying to exert her control in my life again but I knew that right now, I needed this direction because once she was in crisis, I was pretty much on my own at getting better. Carmen was staying in Ohio, Quinn was starting a new school semester and Ari was starting chemo.

She was right and I think this was exactly what I had been missing since I woke up, that feeling from HER of being taken care of. Everyone had done their best but at the end of the day, the one who knew me best, inside and out was always Brittany S. Pierce.

We got nuggets and fries, something simple before pulling off to the side of the road and eating.

Slowly.

And Britt watched me while happily eating her food.

I kept waiting for the nausea but I got through all ten nuggets without feeling like they were coming back up.

When I reached over for some of Britt's fries, she practically shoved it in my lap.

_"Don't overdo it just to make yourself sick."_

I hesitated when my urge had been to grab a handful because she was right, there was a part of me that wanted that overfull feeling that would mean it would all come back up the moment the car started moving.

After we finished, she gave me my pills and then set up a nice bed in the front seat. I was grateful her old truck had no console, so I could really just lay pressed against her.

So that's what I did.

It seemed to keep her alert and driving safely to know that I was sleeping against her.

 _"I love you."_ She said to me and then turned up the music before she could see if I responded. I kissed her cheek and then settled my head on her lap.

* * *

**The Burial**

* * *

I didn't wake up until the car came to a full stop and Britt shifted into park. I laid there, facing her stomach as she unbuckled the both of us and then she was running her hand up and down my back.

_"We got stuck in traffic so I had to come straight to the cemetery. Everyone is here...they're waiting. You ready?"_

I groaned as I sat up and looked around.

The sun was starting to set, which looked a bit poetic, Court would have liked it.

Her parents had just wanted a quick burial but it seemed like we had held them up.

Britt finger combed my hair and then kissed my face before getting out of the car and coming around to my door.

We walked slowly toward the plot of land, everyone was chatting quietly until they saw Britt and then Susan nodded to the pastor.

From there everything lasted about ten minutes.

I stood holding Britt's hand as we watched the baby blue casket lower into the ground.

She was just staring, no tears as she squeezed my hand and I squeezed back. I wasn't so stoic as I wept into her sleeve no longer able to look down into that hole.

Everything was just so fucking temporary.

I was going to miss her every single day and I knew that I needed to start really living.

No more throwing my time away on being sick in more ways than one.

It was time to heal because tomorrow isn't promised.

Britt had started the ball rolling, I needed to get my eating in check before it became a problem.

And like Carmen had reminded me when we had dropped in, I needed to eat well so the milk was good for the baby.

I hadn't made the connection for some reason.

But now I would.

Old stuff was past us, we had to keep it moving.

* * *

My mind had been whirlling throughout the burial and then I did something crazy.

When we got back in the car, I turned to Britt before she could put the car in drive.

 _"Marry me."_ I said to her and she looked at me like I was nuts.

_"What? Why?"_

_"I know y-you and I are j-just...friends but B...I c-can't keep w-waiting."_

_"Ana, I don't know if this is the best idea. Your family and Q will kill me if we elope."_

_"Th-then we d-don't tell them. W-we do it here and k-keep it to j-just us."_

_"You know I want to, I never wanted to divorce you but we weren't good...and we still aren't. I mean you probably fucked Ari yesterday and every day before that."_

_"So w-what, th-that's over. Sh-she ended it."_

_"When?"_

_"Last night be-before she l-left."_

_"Like back to New York?"_

I nodded and a spark ignited in her eyes.

_"Please?"_

A crazy excited look was on Britt's face and then she glanced over to her parent's car, they both looked dazed.

_"Only if we get to tell them...but just them for now. I think it would be good for them to be there with us."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

**The Return**

* * *

Once we decided that we were going to elope, there was this spark of hope in us both.

Was this crazy?

Absolutely.

But would I regret it?

Probably not.

We followed Britt's parents to the pizza place that they'd made a reservation for which was a new concept to me.

I mean, reservations for pizza?

Chicago was next level.

But then I saw how upscale the place looked and how crowded it was.

A hostess led us to the back of the restaurant, where it was quieter and gave us a booth that wasn't next to anyone else.

It was just the four of us and Susan looked nearly close to breaking.

Britt was reaching across the table, holding her mom's hand and they were whispering.

So I looked up at Rob and saw he was looking back at me.

_"What are you up to, Santana, I know that look well."_

I took a deep breath and looked him in the eye, trying to keep my face void of any emotion.

 _"Can I marry Britt, a-again?"_ I said and he looked at me in shock then he looked at Susan to see if she heard me and she obviously did because she looked even more concerned.

Then Susan turned to Britt and her eyes turned to a glare. _"Did you pressure her, Brittany Susan?"_

_"No. It was all her idea, I swear."_

And then Susan was looking at me, her eyes softer.

_"Santana, are you sure."_

_"Yes."_

_"Even with her going into treatment?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Your mother and sisters are going to be furious, are you ready for that backlash?"_

I turned to Britt and nodded for her to continue.

_"Actually Mom...Dad, we are only telling you guys for now. Her family gets into our business so much...we talked about it on the way here, we are going to take our time and grow together. I'm still going to live with Frankie until I get to a healthy headspace. We are going to date and still coparent the kids but we want to begin to really build our lives together."_

_"Why tell us if you've already talked it through?"_

_"Well, we want to do it today, we have an appointment at 5 at the courthouse."_

I watched their faces turn from concern to delight and then Rob turned back to me to answer my question.

_"It would be an honor for you to marry my daughter again."_

* * *

Pizza is probably my favorite food and that was before I had tried traditional Chi Town deep dish...now I was hooked.

No wonder Britt always seemed so meh about the pizza in Lima, she knew decadence.

I was moaning as I began to cut into a second slice and then I felt a hand on my thigh, squeezing. I looked at B and she was still looking at her parents but her hand was on me. At a break in the conversation she looked at me and then my food.

_"Slow down or you'll get crazy heart burn, baby."_

She was right, I was binging but she wasn't going to call me out in front of parents.

I nodded and took a small piece of crust into my mouth, chewing slowly as her conversation continued.

They were talking about Isaac's first birthday in a few months and what big plans we should make for it.

And then my phone chimed, bringing me out of the talks.

**_Do you have a pediatrician in Lima?-Carmen_ **

My heart dropped.

**_What's wrong?-Santi_ **

**_Isaac is running a fever, I gave him medicine to bring it down but he's breathing weird.-Carmen_ **

_"Shit."_ I muttered and Britt was over my shoulder in an instant.

_"What's wrong? You're shaking."_

I handed her my phone and she read the messages, then she was hitting the call button.

The moment Carmen was on the phone, she was instructing her to put him in a warm bath and she'd send Quinn over with his machine.

Watching her take charge sealed the deal for me.

She was going to be my wife by the end of today.

I was in for better or worse, sickness and health and all that.

With lots of therapy and some boundaries, I was sure we'd get this thing worked out.

Britt texted Quinn while she talked on speaker with Isaac.

Her voice was soft and I could hear his strained giggle.

Then I heard Sugar in the back softly singing the Elmo song.

It was handled, even if I felt like shit for not remembering his machine, my village was stepping up.

* * *

**The Commiting**

* * *

We got to the courthouse right on time and filled out all the paperwork pretty quickly.

Then it was just a waiting game for a judge to marry us. I sat alone with Rob while Britt checked in on Isaac.

She came back into the room with a judge on her heels.

_"I asked her to rush it for us so we could get home to our sick son."_

_"There is a sick son, right?"_ The judge asked and we all nodded. _"Well let's do this, ladies please come stand with me."_

I felt nerves in my gut as I stood there looking up into Britt's eyes with my memory still hazy when it came to our first wedding...which was tainted anyway.

Britt said her vows and then when it was time, she reached down, grabbed my hands put them on her face and whispered softly. _"Your time, not mine."_

I smiled and pulled her head towards mine and kissed her soundly.

There were cheers from Rob and Susan, a few pictures snapped and then Britt was holding me tight in her arms.

 _"All g-good?"_ I asked her as she sniffed back her tears on our way out of the courthouse.

_"I was always going to look back on this as the day that I buried my sister but she'd hate that and so do I. Now I get to say it was the day that I got my wife back."_

_"Always and on-only you, B."_

_"Always and only you, baby."_ She kissed me again as we hugged her parents goodbye.

And then again before we got back on the road.

Then at every stop light.

And in traffic.

Then she kissed me double time when I found a meeting and sat through it before we got back on the road.

We kept kissing every chance that we could,

Until she had to focus on the road and then, I snuggled up next to her and sang along to the radio.

It was bliss and I just tried to enjoy being in the moment with my wife.

* * *

In Indiana, we stopped in a strip mall and parked outside a tattoo parlor.

 _"You sure, B?"_ I asked and she nodded.

_"If we can't do rings, this will be the next best thing. Something just for us."_

We sat in neighboring chairs and surrendered our ring fingers.

And in the smallest script, going around like a ring we got tattoos...I chose black and she chose red.

**I.D. 4.7 12.20 1.12**

We were convinced that getting each other's initials was a curse, so we picked the kids first initials, their birthdays, and today's date which ended up on the inside of our ring fingers.

I thought it was genius but then I must have forgotten for a moment who our best friend was.

And when the thought occurred to me as we pulled into Lima with bandaged fingers under our gloves, I said fuck it.

If she figured it out, she'd be nothing but supportive.

What I couldn't do was tell Carmen...not yet.

Our divorce had been Nico's idea after all.

It was late when we got there and Carmen sleepily surrendered Daniela, explaining that Quinn had insisted on taking Isaac to the apartment with her. She didn't have the heart to argue.

Smart of her.

* * *

**The Promise**

* * *

That night, with the kids tucked in and Quinn staying in a hotel with my sister after I insisted, Britt let me touch her in ways that I hadn't been able to in a while. It was slow and sweet.

I didn't need to stutter my way through it as I kissed her neck and then her breasts...then each little scar she'd given herself on her sides before kneeling between her legs. She looked at me with worry and I gripped her thighs with as much strength as I had been working up to with Ari.

With Ari I had gotten all the rustiness over with so that in this moment, I could enjoy what I was about to do.

Her hand cupped my face before I buried myself in her heat.

_"You're beautiful and I'm so grateful for you. I promise to never stop showing you just how grateful I am for this second chance. I love you."_

I smirked and whispered. _"I love you."_ Then I slowly blew across her wetness and she groaned. _"Shh."_ I said to her, knowing the kids were asleep in the next room and wanting to keep it that way. I had about an hour before Daniela needed my boobs and I was going to enjoy this.

When I sucked her clit between my lips her body shuddered and her hands found purchase in my hair, but they didn't tug...instead her fingers scratched my scalp which only encouraged me on.

I shoved three fingers into her and she let out a yelp. I stilled and she rocked her hips. _"Don't stop...please...fuck...baby don't ever stop."_ She begged.

So I kept going, kept loving on her, wishing that I was cleared to get loved on myself.

But that time would come, for now I was only focused on the task at hand.

And mouth.

Wanky.

Wanky.

Just. Wanky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something a touch sweeter. Don't we all need it at this point? Errors later. Love ya!-N.R.


	30. Starting Over (Chris Stapleton)

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

The drive back to New York had a completely different vibe to it because Gladys had invited herself for the ride at a time that nobody was supposed to know that we got remarried. Just like the first time, Ana stayed in bed with the kids but now, instead of having to deal with Ari in my way...I had to accept the fact that Gladys was trying to draw a line between us.

She was trying to keep me from overstepping and rather than correct her, Ana was just going along with it.

Celia had also flaked on us, choosing to fly to Texas to visit her mom instead of going back to New York with us. Whatever truce she had come to with Quinn had vanished, so it was just up to me and Q to drive the whole 9 hour trip home by ourselves.

 _"You should be sleeping."_ Q said to me as she stared out at the early morning road.

_"I can't."_

_"Fine."_ She turned up the music in the back a bit so we didn't disturb the sleeping people with our talking. It was just after sunrise and we had been on the road since 4am, hoping to get home by dinner time but that meant stopping only for gas. _"How long am I supposed to pretend that you two aren't sporting matching tattoos?"_

I looked back and could see that Gladys was passed out with Isaac while Ana sat staring out at nothing while she fed the baby.

_"We just...well you know how the family is."_

_"Yeah...I do. They can really suck the happiness out of you, can't they?"_ She muttered, her face determined as she picked up speed.

 _"Take it easy, Q."_ She nodded and slowed down a bit.

 _"Sorry, sorry. It's just been rough and I haven't had a break to relax. Not really. I start school tomorrow and my Monday schedule is screwed up. I have an 8 and a 9am class. It's just going be hard. Then Celia flying to fucking Texas out of the blue, without telling me? It's bullshit."_ Her voice was starting to rise and I really didn't want anyone else to wake up.

_"I get it. We start auditions in three weeks and while Frankie agreed to help me, she's super pregnant and tired. I feel guilty going into treatment while she carries my responsibility."_

_"Then you'll just have to take therapy serious for once."_ Gladys' voice said from just behind me and I cringed.

 _"I will."_ I sighed without looking back at her. I tucked my hands in the pocket of my hoodie and closed my eyes. _"You're right, Q...I should sleep. Wake me in an hour."_ I grumbled before slipping on my headphones and turning on the dance mix for the show. I would not listen to another word from Gladys.

Seriously, she could fuck off.

* * *

Lips pressed to mine and I startled awake.

Her dark eyes were staring into mine and she was grinning.

_"Hey."_

I sat up and looked around. The van was empty.

_"Where is everyone?"_

_"P-potty and fuel break."_ She said.

I leaned up and kissed her again.

_"Did I miss anything?"_

_"N-nothing im-important."_

She was lying.

But she had a reason.

Her lies were never just cuz.

 _"Sit."_ I said to her, patting my lap.

She looked out the window of the van and then settled down onto my lap.

I wrapped my arms around her waist and leaned my head against her chest.

Her heart was beating strong and it made me feel calmer.

_"I k-know you'll k-kick butt at th-therapy."_

_"Really? How do you know?"_

_"Y-you have re-reasons to fight. Tr-trust me. I k-know."_

_"Thanks, baby. As long as I have you, I know I'll be okay."_

She stared out the window again and then kissed me hard before sliding back onto her feet.

 _"D-drive faster. I w-want to t-take you h-home and do n-naughty s-stuff to you."_ She whispered in my ear just as the door to the van was sliding open.

 _"Will do."_ I said before moving into the driver seat and buckling up.

* * *

I want to say I am not sure what I did to deserve Gladys' wrath but I know exactly what I did.

And she won't let me forget it.

She had been nice after Court died but now that she was in the ground, it seemed that the niceties were done.

Gladys sat in the passenger seat while I drove us through Pennsylvania, unwanted and annoyed.

There was nothing but snow and long roads with bare trees to stare at so I turned up the music and tried singing along. I longed for the city, the tall buildings and the noise.

I longed to be anywhere else and not have this perpetual silence.

On top of that, Gladys kept throwing verbal jabs until finally she landed one that winded me.

And I nearly cracked.

_"Watch that pothole...you wouldn't want to kill us all, or would you?"_

Like seriously...I was losing it.

It was like she wanted to remind me why I needed to be in crisis.

Which is why halfway through the state, I pulled over at a rest stop and stormed from the van without a word.

I could feel the tears coming and didn't want to show it.

Not to her.

So I walked as far as I could in one direction and then I paced back in the other.

I didn't care that it was freezing outside or that there were flurries beginning to fall.

All I knew was that if I was expected to drive another 200 miles, it couldn't be with her sitting next to me.

* * *

Finally calmed, I went to head back to the van but it started pulling off without me.

Seriously?

I didn't even run after it, I just went inside to buy something warm.

As I waited for my order, my phone went off and it was Quinn's ringer.

_"Hey, sorry we left. Santana insisted."_

_"Where are you?"_

_"Amtrak station. Her and Gladys are screaming at each other on the platform and I'm in the van with the kids."_

_"You're kidding?"_

_"I'm not. Santana told her mom you two are married now and her mom lost her shit in front of the kids. Isaac bumped his head jumping from the bed to stop Gladys from yelling. It was a mess in here. Don't worry, he's got Elmo and an ice pack, he's sitting next to me up front like a big boy. He's fine."_

_"Thanks, Q. How far away are you?"_

_"Like ten minutes away. Just relax and we will be back to get you soon."_

_"Are you hungry?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Okay, I'll get food for everyone."_

_"Oh awesome, thank God, a train is coming. Ana is standing with her mom now but they aren't yelling anymore. Her mom is crying."_

_"Hey Q?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"What happened when I fell asleep?"_

_"Gladys went on a tirade of disrespect and said some things that don't need to be repeated. Don't worry about that stuff though, B. What matters is that your best friend and your wife...that's so weird to say again...are both in your corner. So get food, Gladys just got on the train so we will be back to you in like ten minutes."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

**_Coming home today, still at work?-Britt_ **

My phone rang immediately as I sat in the little dining area of the rest stop with our food.

_"Hey, Britt, got a second?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"I'm going to put you on speaker. I have August and Tony here."_

_"Hi guys."_ I said, feeling exhausted.

 _"Hi Brittany, on behalf of me and Frank. I want you to know that you have our full support during this difficult time."_ August said, chipper as always.

 _"Yeah, B, the dances are done and the script is being completed this week. We uh...wanted to make sure you were getting treatment still."_ He said, being blunt just how I liked him.

_"Yes. We are on our way back today. I'm somewhere outside of Harrisburg."_

_"Great, so before you go to treatment Frank has some concerns about the effect this is going to have on the show."_

_"Oh ok. Like what?"_

_"Well, the script is being ironed out but we do have our roles set and he wants to start auditions right away."_

_"How soon?"_

_"We already started."_ Frankie admitted and my heart dropped.

_"Oh."_

I took a deep shaky breath as the tears came. _"Well, I guess that's okay. I've been nothing but trouble since you hired me. Is this like 'it' for me?"_ My voice came out in a squeak and I hated myself for it.

There was silence and then Frankie cleared her throat.

_"No. We just wanted to see the dances in action, so I reasoned with Frank and August...we wanted to get the ball rolling with the ensemble at the very least...just the dancers who don't have any lines are trying out. We will wait for you to hire the leads and supporting cast."_

_"Yeah but for how long?"_

_"Frank is giving you three weeks, Brittany and I agree."_ August said.

 _"I...will see you tonight Frankie. I need to go."_ I said and then ended the call.

None of it felt fair but there was nothing that I could do.

This was a problem of my own creating.

I slammed my hand down on the table and felt the sting on my ring finger.

And I took a deep breath.

I couldn't default to anger, it got me into this mess and wouldn't get me out.

* * *

Quinn came inside looking like she belonged in a snow globe, her cheeks flushed and her hat covered in white.

_"Hey, let's take this stuff to the car. It's getting bad outside and apparently this is just the beginning, the storm is moving East, so I'd like us to beat it."_

_"Okay."_ I croaked, grabbing the stuff and handing the hot drinks to Quinn. She hesitated as I stood up, looking in my eyes for a moment.

_"You were crying...what is it?"_

_"Can we um...get going, I can talk in the van."_ I said and she shut right up.

When we climbed in the van, Ana was sitting on the bed glaring at her phone which was on speaker.

It sounded like her sisters were all on the line and were bickering about her putting Gladys on a train back to Ohio.

Here, I had thought we would just meet her in New York.

Ana was rolling her eyes until she saw my face and she ended the call, not giving a second thought to her sisters.

 _"Wh-what is it?"_ She asked as she patted the bed.

I was going to resist telling her but then I felt the van lurch, Quinn was getting on the road before I could take the wheel like I had planned.

_"Talk, B."_

Isaac was passed out next to Ana so he wouldn't be any help and the baby was sleeping too, so I was stuck talking.

 _"I'll talk if you eat. Don't think I haven't noticed how little you've eaten today."_ I said to Ana and she looked away from me towards the kids before looking back at me and shrugging.

_"Fine."_

While Quinn got us on the highway and full speed away from the blizzard behind us, I laid out food on the table and waited for Ana to start eating before I talked. She ate methodically, her moth working as she listened to my every word.

And the more I talked the more the anger seemed to disappear.

I kept waiting for her or Quinn to jump in but she just nodded along and listened to me until I was done.

 _"Do y-you w-want my op-pinion?"_ She asked once she put down the last bit of her sandwich. I could see her effort, the way she had taken off the crusts and then slowly ate the entire time and now with just a little left she sat back and seemed more alert.

_"I do."_

She smiled.

My wife was back and I hoped to God that I never took her for granted again.

She deserved all the good things.

Always.

_"G-get it in wr-r-writing. M-make sure th-they aren't pu-pushing you out."_

_"Oh. I hadn't thought of that."_

_"Fr-Frankie isn't go-going to fu-fuck you over but sh-she's one per-person."_

_"If we get back early enough, I think I'm going to go today and do that."_

_"Good."_

_"I don't want to not work though, I found treatment programs that are outpatient. Like meetings, like for addicts."_

_"Is y-your anger an ad-diction?"_

_"Well no, it's just out of control."_

_"We ag-greed to inp-patient."_ She said, looking nervous and seeing her like that, worried about me backsliding after she just hitched herself to me again, reminded me of why we decided that.

I needed true evaluation and attention on the root of my issues. Anger could never be my default again, I had nearly killed her and I would never forgive myself.

_"We did, you're right. Will you help me pick the right program?"_

_"Of c-course."_ She yawned and then got up and slowly made her way to her purse, pulling out her pills.

There was a shake in her hands and she stopped to rub her palms together before swallowing the pills down dry. She rubbed her palms again until she saw me looking and then ran them through her hair.

She had a shake to her, even as she kissed me.

The very sight of her like this made my blood run cold.

She was getting addicted.

I knew it.

And even though I hated to do it, I had to tell someone.

* * *

With Ana and the kids back in bed, I climbed into the driver seat and asked Quinn to stay with me, even though I knew she was tired.

She didn't put up much fuss, she just buckled in and curled up with a blanket and stared at me.

_"What's up, B?"_

_"Thanks for doing most of the driving."_ I said as I made my way through the Poconos, we were a little over an hour from home which was about two hours later than we had wanted to be.

_"You took care of her and gave yourself a breather, that's always welcome. So tell me why you want me up here and not in that warm bed."_

_"Yeah, it's super important."_

_"Okay...what?"_

_"I need you to be HBIC again."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"She's got tremors again and she's rubbing her palms together."_

Quinn sat up straight and looked back at my sleeping wife.

_"Is it the pain medicine? Shit...I've been there, after my leg...did you talk to her about it?"_

_"I did and she is insisting she's not addicted and maybe she isn't yet but we have to do something, Q. I am not going to be around for a little while and I don't want to come back to her in worse condition."_

_"Say less, B. I have mastered being a pain in her ass. I won't let her slip. Thanks for calling it to my attention."_

_"Thanks for being so willing to be a bitch to her when she needs it."_

_"No thanks needed, it's my hobby."_

She yawned and I knew I didn't have much more of her being awake.

_"Go sleep...I can take it from here."_

_"You sure?"_ She yawned again. _"Because I can-"_ Another yawn.

_"Say less, Quinnie."_

And she did.

* * *

I drove us straight to the theater and left my sleeping family in the van while I headed inside.

There was an audition in progress and there sat Frankie with Tony, Frank, & August at the main table. I sat in the first seat in the front row so that they were at my back as the audition continued.

_**B?-Ana** _

_**Stay in the van, I'll be out in a bit.-Britt** _

_**You sure?-Ana** _

_**I need to do this alone. Please?-Britt** _

_**Okay.-Ana** _

_**Good Luck!-Ana** _

I put my phone down and continued to watch the group dancing. Some of them were killing it but a lot of them were bombing hard and what I noticed is that it was the women who were doing poorly.

Then I heard the squeak of sneakers coming down the aisle and then a tap on my shoulder.

It was Tony.

_"So I might have tried to show them your moves and failed...if you are down...wanna show them? We have hired way too many dudes and only one girl."_

_"I'll go change, give them a stretch break. Be back in five."_

This felt like a test, a challenge to see if I was still worth it and I was game.

I looked back at the table and gave them a double thumbs up before running up the side aisle to the door.

The van was parked right where I left it and when I knocked on the door, I saw Q's head pop up looking disheveled.

 _"You're not in here doing it with my wife are you?"_ I asked and she pretended to gag.

 _"God, no especially not in front of the kids."_ She teased and Ana let out a cackle.

 _"Wh-what's up?"_ Ana asked as she changed Dani's diaper.

I started to strip out of my jeans and slides.

_"I'm gonna dance, to show the girls auditioning the right steps."_

_"C-Can I go?"_ Ana said looking between me and Q.

 _"Go, me and Izzy are going to eat the rest of this food and watch Elmo anyway."_ Q waved us off.

I'd have my lucky charm with me, there was no way I'd fail now.

* * *

Ana sat in the very back, not wanting to distract anyone more than I already had.

I headed straight up to the stage and took one look of the jumble of dancers.

Their energy was low which would not do for me.

Everything I did in dance required high energy or someone was going to get hurt.

So I decided to wake them up a bit.

 _"First position!"_ I called out and tapped my foot, impatiently.

They all scrambled up and got into first position.

 _"Second position!"_ I called.

They followed suit.

_"Third position, just the girls! Guys back to first."_

I watched as they got in position.

_"Great, now guys stand behind the person next to you, I don't care if it's a guy or girl."_

Some of them looked uncomfortably but I needed them to be able to go with the flow.

 _"Now follow us."_ I turned towards the table and summoned Tony.

He had a smirk on his face.

This was the first thing we did together, a play on a human barre.

Tony stood with his arms stretched out from his sides and I grabbed his arm and began to stretch as if he was a barre.

I kept an eye on the dancers as I went.

A few seemed confused and others were killing it.

Then just when I finished the routine, I began running in circles around the stage and could feel the slip of steps behind me.

Tony was throwing his hands up and the guys followed suit.

It probably looked crazy but this for sure would get them to get all the yips out.

Thankfully Frank and August were sitting with the person who taught me this exercise because I was certain they would have stopped us by now.

* * *

After finishing the exercise, I hit the music and we ran it through.

Dance after dance until we had run through the first act.

The lights came up which meant August and Frank were coming on stage.

 _"Begin again."_ Frank called, so we restarted the music.

 _"If we tap your shoulder, grab your stuff and go."_ August said as he followed Frank.

I glanced to the table and there sat Frankie with a mic in her hand.

_"All set guys?"_

The music started and then we ran through the dance again.

Even as I watched people scuffle off the stage, I continued to dance, a part of me waiting for the tap on my shoulder.

I would have earned it, honestly.

But coming here was a good move.

I had probably just saved my job.

The music cut with Tony tossing me straight into the air and not catching me until my face was inches from the ground.

Frankie's eyes got big and then there was a bunch of applause.

It was a move for our female lead and it was our first time showing it.

 _"Do that again."_ Frank said and I nodded.

 _"The whole move or just that end part?"_ I asked.

 _"There's more?"_ August asked.

_"Well yeah, it's just very technical, we'll need the perfect lead for it."_

_"Okay, show us what you've got Brittany."_

It felt like an audition and I would treat it as so.

 _"Clear the stage!"_ Frank said and everyone backed up.

Suddenly it was just me and Tony, center stage.

I did a three count and ran at him, he went to reach and I went sliding between his legs and crawled back towards him, on beat and then he bent back and lifted me. It's a joint effort as I swing around his body and then he twirls with me and I'm thrown clear up in the air and I knew Ana would recognize this move because it was partially her specialty when she was a flyer and I remember her showing Court how to do it for her own audition to be a flyer.

Tears pricked but I kept focused as I thought of my sister and my wife.

I'd come way too far to lose everything I'd worked for.

A double twist but I had inverted it and sent my face towards the ground and Tony caught me.

There was more clapping.

 _"That was spectacular, take your three weeks but be right back here at the start of auditions, Brittany Pierce. I doubted you and you showed me, huh?"_ Frank said and I grinned.

 _"Can I have that in writing?"_ I asked and they all began to chuckle.

But August nodded.

_"Yes."_

* * *

The secret of our marriage had lasted 26 hours but now everyone knew.

So when Ana put me back on her insurance, there was no fight anyone could give.

I'd need it, inpatient was expensive without insurance.

And my wife was going to make sure I didn't go bankrupt.

Thank God.

We had spent three days together in bliss but then it was all over.

She was kissing my face over and over as we stood outside of patient intake.

Two and a half weeks of therapy was going to suck.

I wouldn't be able to see her or the kids.

But they had a dance studio and I would be able to include that in therapy, so I was sold.

There was someone clearing their throat and Ana rolled her eyes.

 _"Fuck off."_ She growled and then she kissed me hard, her hand gripping my hair.

_"I love you."_

_"I love you, B."_

This felt good.

Starting over.

With her.

I'd do anything to keep feeling this good.

Always and only for her.


	31. Nightmare (Halsey)

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**Week One**

* * *

_"Wh-what are you doing here?"_ I stood at the front door after Quinn left me alone for a few hours so she could go to class. It was my first day alone with my kids now that I was only using my cane occasionally.

_"I came to see you. Can I come in?"_

_"Uh...w-why?"_

_"Please, Anita?"_ Marco said, holding his hands up like he was ready for me to pat him down.

So I did.

I reached forward and felt his pockets then his waist, then his arms, and thighs.

He'd been working out, that was obvious. If he had been this buff when he was kicking my ass, there's no way I would have lived.

Shit.

 _"L-lift your p-pant l-legs."_ I said and he did as I asked.

 _"MAMA! E-mo!"_ I groaned, I was trying to get him to watch something else and had just put on a cartoon but now he was screaming at me.

I pressed my finger to Marco's chest and he lazily shoved his hands in his pockets.

_"Th-this cane is a we-weapon. G-got it?"_

_"Got it."_

I had learned a long time ago not to turn my back on my ex-husband. I pulled the door open further and waited for him to come in before closing it behind him, not once taking my eyes off of him.

He stepped out of the foyer and I followed him into the living room where Isaac was staring, watery eyed at the tv.

Right that freaking red monstrosity.

I turned Elmo on and watched his face transform to one of delight as he clapped his hands together from his kid jail.

The baby was in her swing staring up at the lightshow that it was giving and I stood there watching Marco take it in.

He turned back to me.

_"You're alone...already?"_

_"So?"_

_"I'm just surprised. I'm not doubting your skills you were always great at multitasking."_ He had a twinkle in his eye that grossed me out but I gripped the head of my cane and gestured for him to sit down.

And he did, without another word.

_"You w-want to hold her?"_

_"Yes, I'd love that."_

_"G-go for it."_

I watched him reach over and unstrap the baby before picking her up. His face twisted.

 _"She needs a change."_ He said holding her out for me.

_"I b-birthed her. You ch-change her."_

I nodded towards the diaper caddy next to him and he sighed.

And I watched him like a hawk.

He looked like a fucking pro changing the diaper in half the time that it would have taken me.

Show off.

* * *

I had just pumped a bottle before Marco had arrived and was on the way to put it in the fridge when he had knocked so after he was finished with the diaper, I handed him the bottle.

Seeing him like this, softer and sweeter made me long for a do over on my teen years when he tortured me at every free moment.

The front door swung open and then the foyer door a moment later. I glanced at the clock and then at Quinn, who was looking at me weird.

 _"Why are you standing in that spot and what is he doing here alone with you?"_ She said.

 _"Th-this spot?"_ I moved away from the wall and touched it and then it hit me, this was where Britt had choked me out. Right. _"I f-forgot and he sh-showed up. I put him to w-work."_

_"I see."_

_"Why are you h-here?"_

She shook her phone at me.

_"There were reports of a shooter on campus, they locked down campus before I got there. Couldn't get on, so I came home."_

_"J-just Columbia?"_

_"NYU too."_

_"DAMA!"_ Isaac screamed and held his hands out to Q.

 _"Did he just give me a name?"_ She said in shock. _"What did you say Izzy?"_

_"DAMA!"_

Quinn grinned and then lifted him from his kid jail and spun him around.

Marco chuckled.

 _"You know what that means in Spanish, Quinn?"_ Marco said and she shook her head. _"Lady."_

_"Well I will take it, makes me feel regal."_

_"You w-would."_ I said before shutting off the tv and making my way to the guest room. I'd needed to pee for like fifteen minutes but was too afraid to leave Marco in the room with my kids. I had this fear that I'd come back out and they'd be gone.

I couldn't risk it, so now with Q around, I felt safe to at least pee.

* * *

As I sat in the bathroom, just taking in the silence, my phone went off.

It was Ari and I froze.

We hadn't spoken since she left me in Lima the night before the funeral.

I accepted the video chat and was stunned into silence at the sight of her.

She was in her tights, blood on her face and in her hair.

 _"Wh-what is going on?"_ I whispered.

_"Shooter...the police just got him but he was able to get some shots off in my class."_

_"Oh G-God."_

_"I was told to stay put while they clear the building and you are the only one I wanted to see. I'm sorry I left you. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that my parents disowned me that night when I went to tell them about being gay...I never even told them about the cancer being back. They just...you're all I have. You and Moncho and the kids. Forgive me, okay?"_

_"It's for-forgotten."_ I said and then just watched her tears track through the dried blood on her face.

_"Only three of us are alive...that's what it looks like. He was aiming for a girl in my class. They dated and now she's dead...it's like the diner but worse. Can I come there after they clear the building?"_

_"Yes, please."_

There was muffled talking and then she was shuffling to her feet.

_"I'm being cleared to go. I'm going to catch a cab and come there now."_

_"Okay."_

_"I love you, Anita. I love you so fucking much."_

_"I love you too!"_

* * *

My hands were shaking and my nerves were frayed as I slipped that night's pain pill into my hand. I had gotten myself down to one a day, trying my best to stop taking them but right then when I needed to be calm that was my first reach.

I filled up a glass of water and then put the pill in my mouth. I looked up in the mirror as I brought the glass to my lips and my eyes met Quinn's. I swallowed down the pill and then closed my pill sorter.

 _"What?"_ I asked, my palms itching and my lips dry. I filled the glass again and drank down the water slower this time.

_"I thought you took those before bed so you could be alert with the kids during the day."_

_"S-stop."_ I said and turned from her, slipping the sorter back into the medicine cabinet before washing my hands and rinsing my face.

When I stood back up, she was gone but the look of concern in her eyes lingered in my mind.

I stood there leaning on the sink, waiting for the pill to kick in.

 _"Hey."_ Came a voice way too soft for who it was coming from.

I looked up into the mirror and there she stood, her face still smudged with blood.

Her eyes were wide and pleading.

She needed comfort and a memory came to me then.

I turned away and turned the shower on before stripping off my clothes.

 _"C-come on."_ I said holding my hands out to her.

She came in and shut the door, hitting the lock behind her.

In this moment, I regretted that Quinn knew about me and Britt getting married because she was not going to let this go.

But right then, Ari needed me.

I undid her jacket and saw that her pink leotard was stained with blood. I tossed the jacket to the floor and then I peeled the leotard from her body. She was getting skinnier. It'd been over a week since we'd seen each other and she already looked sicker.

 _"I started chemo a few days ago. I'm supposed to be in the hospital but I just wanted to be normal a little longer. That's why I was late to the class and in the dressing room changing when it...happened. I came out and there were bodies everywhere."_ Her voice was haunted as I helped her out of her torn and stained pantyhose. She had already taken off her shoes before coming into the bathroom thankfully.

There was a knock at the door but I ignored it. I pulled Ari into the shower with me and began to wash her from head to toe while she continued to talk but then I paused when she put her hand on mine.

 _"What is this?"_ She asked her thumb tracing my new tattoo.

I looked up at her and watched the tears come.

 _"W-we-"_ I started but she pressed her lips to mine, cutting me off but I pushed her back. _"Eloped."_ I finished and watched her face drop.

_"When?"_

_"In Ch-Chicago."_

_"The day after we broke up?"_

_"We were n-never o-fficial."_

_"Wow. I hope you never feel as disposable as I do right now, Santana."_ She said, full name and glaring eyes but that had no effect. She was naked in my shower, in my house, and we had a deal.

 _"N-not fair."_ I said.

 _"Nothing is fair!"_ She snapped and then nearly bust her ass climbing out of the shower. _"I'm going to get dressed in your room and then I'm going to find somewhere else to go. I can't go on campus but I can go somewhere that doesn't involve helping you commit adultery."_

It was like I was gut punched.

Would Britt see this that way?

Was that my intention?

Not this time.

* * *

She really fucking left.

I thought that maybe she'd be stopped by Marco or Quinn, they'd want to know she was okay, right?

But no, I got dressed and popped another pill before heading out to the dining room and it was just Quinn, sitting at the table feeding Isaac.

The baby was in her swing asleep again.

I was beginning to think she slept too much but this was my first time dealing with a baby this small. I had no clue if I was doing any of this right. I just fed her when she cried and changed her diaper.

And I sang to her when it was just the two of us and she was too new to this life to know my singing voice was broken.

 _"Come sit down."_ Q said to me, her voice stern.

 _"No."_ I said back and walked away from the table, instead I headed for the stairs.

It'd been an eternity since I'd been in my own bed in my own room...but today that was all I wanted.

Memories were coming back to me now and I knew that upstairs was probably the best place to let these pills kick in. There was less of a chance that people would randomly bother me.

_"Santana Lopez, if you don't sit your skinny ass down at this table, I will call your annoying ass family about this new dependency you're developing and you know I am not in the mood for that shit."_

I whipped around and stormed back to her then her eyebrow raised as she looked at my legs.

And I looked down and realized that I was walking without my cane.

Storming around without it in fact.

Which meant I was not feeling a stitch of pain.

 _"You wouldn't dare."_ I said, without a single bit of stutter and she let out a sigh.

_"How many pills did you take today?"_

_"Why?"_

_"Just answer the fucking question. I need to know because those are strong pills and I can't in good conscious leave you here with these kids alone. Please, just tell me?"_

_"Three."_

_"Which means you're done for the next day or so. I've got enough milk for the baby and I have Isaac. You should go lay down."_

I still stood in the center of the room, glaring at her. Who did she think she was to talk to me like that?

 _"Who do y-you think-"_ I began but she held up her hand and shut me down.

_"I don't want to see you go down this road again. Pills are hard to kick and unless you want to go back to rehab, this stops now. Britt asked me to keep you sober while she was away. She saw this coming and I brushed it off a little. Now though, the gloves are off. I will bring the full force of your doctors and the Lopez family down on your head if you keep this shit up. Got it?"_

My facade crumbled.

Britt knew.

I nodded as I slid into the chair across from her and looked at my son.

He was shaking and looking terrified.

 _"Don't ever c-curse in front of him a-again."_ I growled and she didn't put up a fight.

_"No, of course not. I'm sorry."_

We sat in silence after that, while I took over feeding my son.

 _"I d-don't want to be hooked."_ I said to her after Isaac began to look calmer.

_"I know you don't. By the way, Ari is in my room resting. NYU is shut down so I insisted that she stay here."_

_"Th-thank you."_

_"Say less."_

She was angry and trying not to blow up at me, that much was clear and I deserved every bit of her wrath.

* * *

Taking the third pill was a mistake and I paid gravely for it.

My body was still healing and the anti-seizure medications were precise.

It only took about 45 minutes for me to realize why Quinn had wanted me in her sight.

She made me follow her as she put Isaac in his crib and then as she cleaned up his lunch.

I was making my way to the kitchen behind her and I dropped like a stone.

First I was heaving.

Then I was choking.

My lungs seized up and then my heart threatened to burst from my chest as fire lit my veins on fire.

Quinn laid me down and turned me to my side before shoving one of Isaac's fuzzy keys in my mouth.

My head ached as my brain rattled around and then finally I stilled.

I shakily pulled the keys from my mouth, grateful that she had thought fast enough to keep me from biting my tongue.

Pounding came down the stairs and then I was rolling on my back and staring into Ari's beautiful eyes.

She and Quinn were having a murmured conversation or maybe that was just how it sounded from the floor as they stood over me.

I closed my eyes and prayed for the darkness but it wouldn't come.

And I was sobbing now.

My cries harsh and loud to my own ears.

I wanted Britt.

And to be in bed.

To go back to the beginning.

Before it all.

My body was at war with me.

I had played with fire and I lost.

And I just knew that this meant a hospital visit.

But there had been a shooting and Quinn was nervous about what it meant for the hospitals.

So she made a call.

One she had threatened to make...but would now have to follow through on.

I was fucked.

* * *

My sister had quietly moved to New York while I was still in a coma and had visited me when my heart threatened to give out but other than that, she had only peaked in when she could.

But now, Quinn was calling her.

And Ari was calling Marco to come back.

My body was in shock and I couldn't move from where I had fallen.

Quinn was terrified to move me and Ari didn't have the strength.

So I laid there waiting to see who would come help me up.

Marco won the race.

He came in, took off his shoes and then swept me into his arms like the prince charming that he had always thought he was.

 _"I leave for two hours and you fall out?"_ He said and I just closed my eyes. Not having the energy to play with him.

 _"Put her on the couch thanks."_ Mari's voice was soft but commanding.

I opened my eyes again as my body hit the couch.

My sister hovered over me now and brushed stray hairs from my face.

 _"You got lucky. A lot of times when drugs react to each other, the person dies...what hurts?"_ I went to form words but they came out slurred. "Ay, sis." She sighed. Then she took my hands in hers. _"Squeeze."_

And I did but her face didn't look satisfied.

She looked up and then Saul was in my vision, _"Hi, Anita. It looks like we are going to have to get you to the hospital."_ I shook my head, no. He looked at my sister. _"She seems coherent, it's just the speech. This could be something a stroke mimic. Either way getting her to the hospital is best she needs scans."_

Mari looked like she didn't agree but was going along with it anyway.

The wait for an ambulance was going to take extra long since I lived a few miles from the scene of a tragedy, so Saul carried me to my back seat and Mari drove us to her hospital.

Which was in Harlem, saying there'd be less chance that there'd be a wait.

* * *

I had fallen asleep in the car and when I woke up again, I was in a hospital room with that fucking beeping.

This was my fault.

Had I just kept to one pill a day until I ran out like my drug counselor had suggested, I would be home with my kids and not in this fucking bed.

 _"Hey."_ My sister said, looking exhausted as she sat on the side of my bed. _"You are so lucky...no blessed. I don't know if it's a guardian angel or what but what I thought was a stroke was definitely just a seizure and a concussion from banging your head on the floor."_

 _"Oh."_ I said and she smiled.

_"Can you give me more than that sound?"_

_"What do y-you want me to say?"_

_"Only one stutter, good to hear you didn't get set back."_

_"Sorry."_

_"You don't need to apologize to me. Did this scare you straight or do you need to go to rehab?"_

_"You're giving me a ch-choice?"_

_"Yes. I don't think you're hooked but coming down from pills is different than cocaine. Sneakier."_

_"I just w-want to be home."_

_"I bet you do and I wish that was an option but your medical POA has other ideas."_

_"Q-Quinn?"_

_"Yeah. That may be one of the smartest yet dumbest things you ever did. I say that because she is going to make the best decisions for you but if you fuck up in front of her, she is going to make the best decisions for your kids."_

_"Wh-what does that mean?"_

_"It means, dear sister that Quinn is going to try to push you into a rehab program."_

_"I don't need it."_

_"That's debatable."_

Then I remembered something Britt had said.

 _"Maybe an outpatient option?"_ I asked, the words coming clearer and clearer, like this concussion had knocked the part of my brain that had been skipping. _"Mari, please?"_

_"You want me to talk her down?"_

_"Please?"_

_"You owe me sis, this can't be the only time we connect. We need to have brunch or something, shit."_

I laughed and she smiled really wide.

_"Okay."_

* * *

**Week Two**

* * *

I spent two long days in the hospital getting tests but there was no reason for my seizure other than a drug reaction. I had gone into the hospital with a high dose prescription to Oxycodone. I left the hospital with no medicine but my anti-seizure medication.

Quinn and Mari had gone to war over rehab for me and they finally settled on a medical withdrawal over the course of two days in the hospital.

I got sick, I got fluids and they monitored all of my functions.

On the morning of day three, I left the hospital feeling drained but the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach was gone.

 _"How m-many more days until sh-she's home?"_ I asked Quinn as she looped her arm through mine.

_"Seven days."_

_"You th-think she's ok?"_

_"I hope so. I need you two to hit a stride of just peacefulness. Everyone is tired, not just you."_

_"Ouch."_

_"I'm just telling it like it is, San. Don't you want some peace?"_

_"M-more than anything."_

_"Then let's do this thing. You should take a class or at least do something constructive. Anything but drugs."_

_"Y-you're right."_

_"I know."_

_"M-maybe I c-can redecorate."_

_"Okay, anything else?"_

_"I...um...music."_

_"Do you want to maybe invest in a piano?"_

_"M-maybe. M-more th-than anything, I just wanna be a mom."_

_"Then be a mom just do it sober."_

_"Yeah, I'll w-work on that."_

* * *

Now that I had the scare, I threw myself into redoing my house to be more handicap accessible.

It was a bitch to only be able to see one floor of my three story house.

So I combed through the internet, looking for the best design to install a chair lift that wouldn't mess up the aesthetic of the house. Eventually, I hoped to climb the stairs with no problem but in this moment, more than 10 steps and I was in agony.

Quinn would leave me in the morning with the kids, I'd do my mom thing playing with them...feeding them...and then I'd spend the rest of my time making calls and laying out plans.

And then, the most important piece of my day came when Quinn got home and I would go to a meeting before heading up to the sanctuary. Ari was in her second week of chemo while she waited on Marco's bone marrow to be ready.

She hadn't wanted to use him but he was still a match and his tests all came back clean.

Her immune system was weaker than normal, so I couldn't even visit her and with all that chemo leaking from her pores so soon after I am healing from multiple ailments, it wouldn't be good for me either.

After that day of her storming away and me nearly making myself brain dead...again, we had a rift between us that felt like it was growing by the second but that could just be my insecurities rearing their ugly head.

I should have told her about my marriage.

Maybe telling it to her face was hard but a text would have worked...anything was probably better than the moment we are naked together.

She was super Catholic and I should have respected that but I just couldn't think of being married in that moment, all I wanted was to help her.

Now I just needed to keep focused on the task at hand until Britt was back.

I had chosen her, which meant playtime with Ari had to be done.

Ari knew it and I was supposed to know it but we'd crossed a line that we never should have and I was finding it hard to go back.

 _"Mama!"_ Isaac called and I turned towards his crib, it was early morning and I was just staring at the ceiling waiting to put my mom hat on.

And my son did not disappoint.

I rolled from the bed and peered into his crib.

My nose was assaulted with the smell of him and then I saw what he was doing.

Digging in his diaper and smearing literal shit on the covers, the bars of the crib, and in his hair.

 _"I sh-should just throw y-you away."_ I said to him before rushing to the bathroom and turning on the tub.

 _"Rise and-Oh God!"_ Quinn called out from the room as I walked out of the bathroom.

 _"I k-know."_ I said as I made my way back to my son.

 _"Poop explosion!"_ She said and I smirked, thinking of B.

That's exactly what she would say.

The baby began to whimper and I looked at Q pleadingly.

_"Take c-care of him while I f-feed her?"_

She laughed in my face.

Just blatantly in my whole face as she headed to Daniela instead.

_"That's all for you, San...you had MONTHS of a break from Izzy and he is just letting you know how he feels about it."_

_"Touche."_

It was impossible to pick him up without getting shit on me.

Fucking gross.

* * *

After cleaning up shit for hours, Quinn took my kids and sent me off with my prodigal sister, returned from Texas.

I couldn't be more thrilled.

So much so that I put on nice jeans and a shirt that looked hot but still covered the grotesque scar on my chest. If I could have worn heels, I would have but my body was not having it.

Despite the keyboard that I had gotten for Christmas, I hadn't really felt up for playing but Celia was going to do her part to get me back in the flow of things.

At least that's what she said when she picked me up.

That and a long winded explanation on why she had asked Quinn for the break in the first place. Some hogwash about her being young and Celia not wanting to come out to her mom since she was old.

I just rolled my eyes and stared out the window at the city that I had decided to call home rather than some other place and I was having a hard time trying to figure out why.

_"Mari told me about your pill scare."_

_"Of c-course she did."_ I huffed.

_"Well actually Quinn let it slip that she could only depend on Mari out of the family and I pressed her until she told me everything. Mari confirmed it but insisted that I not tell Sandra or Gladys which trips me out because you and Sandra were close."_

_"I f-feel lost most of the t-time. There are still g-gaps in my mind. It's h-hard to keep up."_

_"Is that why you thought remarrying Britt was a good idea, cuz your mind is all confused?"_

_"No. Sh-she is the only thing I'm s-sure about."_

_"Oh."_

_"L-look the f-family treated her h-harsh."_ I held up my hand when she went to speak again. _"Sh-she didn't wr-wrong you, sh-she wronged me and Da-Daniela. So I g-get to feel however I w-want."_

* * *

Celia looked like she was filled to bursting with things to say in response to my outburst and I didn't give a flying motherfuck about her feelings.

I got comfortable at her gorgeous piano and took my time with the keys.

My left hand still felt weak but I managed to get a rondo out...then a sonata...then something fancy.

Which used to be my only goal in life, to live it as fancy as possible and today I had made an effort.

I showered, I got dressed, and I even had a bit of make-up on. To make the outfit pop, I dug out my old wedding band and slid it on over my tattoo.

Just for kicks.

And it never felt more right.

The door to the gallery opened and in came Sandra looking flustered until she saw me staring back at her. I could see that she had come here on a mission, I just don't think I was a part of that.

But she came over to me just the same.

 _"It's good to see you playing."_ She said, after kissing my cheek and then leaning on the top. I played lazily as I looked up at my sister.

Flashes of recovered memories came back to mind. That's what they don't tell you about recovering a memory, it doesn't just sit there after you remember, sometimes it fades again but as I looked at her distress, I could see the look of a sister who helped me make a cocaine drop...who had kept me honest and had never shied away from telling me about myself.

 _"I'm sl-slipping."_ I admitted to her and her eyebrow raised but it wasn't in anger.

_"What are you doing about it?"_

_"Meetings. Detox. Tr-Transparency."_ I said and she nodded.

_"How can I help you through it?"_

_"Can y-you come s-stay for a while?"_ I asked, not wanting to make the journey to Westchester.

She looked surprised. Her house was like a hub of activity, everyone stayed with her but I wanted to be home. I NEEDED to be home.

_"Are you sure about that?"_

_"I n-need your r-routine and help."_

_"What about Quinn and Ceily?"_

_"School and well C-Ceily is..."_ I trailed off as my other sister came closer.

 _"What am I?"_ Ceily asked and Sandra rolled her eyes.

 _"Flaky and unreliable. Your heart is in a good place but you are historically selfish. You know that...don't get new on me, sis."_ Sandra said and Celia shrugged.

_"You're right but I'm working on it...right Ana tell her, I brought you out of the house!"_

_"And h-hasn't fed me or h-hugged me."_ I said pouting and they both laughed.

 _"Ceily how could you!"_ Sandra said in mock outrage.

And then they were both hugging me tight.

It should have been a moment of levity but I broke into sobs.

Ugly, heart wrenching sobs.

Good going, Lopez.

Way to ruin the mood.

So NOT wanky.

* * *

**Week Two and a Half**

* * *

My sister brought the life back into my house.

She had left us at the gallery and promised to be there that night.

I had gone home and told Quinn, I had never seen her look so relieved to see me.

Not even the news that I had asked my sister to stay rattled her.

In fact, she went around the house cleaning like the Pope was going to show up.

And once she was there, making dinner in the kitchen and Isaac had Tito as company, it felt like a home.

Busy and full of life but no drama.

Sandra told me to focus only on my health and the baby, that she'd take over keeping Isaac occupied.

For the millionth time, I felt guilty about not being closer to my son but he was at a stage where at nearly 10 months, he was restless. He wanted to playing, dancing, and entertained at every moment.

Tito, who had just turned 2, was the perfect distraction.

It took one day for me to realize that I needed to baby proof.

And in that same afternoon, while the chair lift was being installed on the stairs and a guy was baby proofing my house, I got the call that I had been waiting over two weeks for.

 _"Hello?"_ I said as I burped my baby girl.

_"Hi."_

The sound of Britt's voice, gravely but light made my world stand still.

 _"I missed you."_ I whispered.

_"I miss you too. Do you have a second?"_

_"For you, yes."_

_"Good, I'm switching to video."_ She said and I quickly put down the phone and fluffed up my hair before answering the video call.

The woman looking back at me, with her hair chopped to her shoulders and her eyes twinkling like they used to was not broken.

And it made me feel so much.

* * *

Sandra came bustling in the room but when she saw me on the phone, she turned back around and shooed my son and nephew out of the room before closing the door.

 _"What's going on?"_ She asked.

_"S-Sandra is here. I n-needed her."_

_"Good, I'm glad you are being open with your family."_

_"I am. H-How are you?"_

_"Better. I'm on new meds, one pill a day which is way better than six a day. I have been seeing my therapist again. She's amazing and I have been dancing, a whole lot. I broke on day two and took scissors to my hair. Thankfully, they were able to fix it. After that, things got intense and I'm better for it."_

She sounded like an adult and it made feel like I was lacking but I knew it was necessary. My Britt Britt was looking back at me, with hope in her eyes for the first time since before my coma.

_"That's a-amazing."_

_"So, I am calling to tell you that I will be home in two days. Frankie is picking me up and I was wondering if you wanted to take a trip with me. Like we wanted to after the funeral but never got a chance to do. Just the four of us."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes, once I start work next week, it's going to be really busy and hard to get time in."_

_"I'd love that."_ I said and she grinned.

_"Great. We won't go far, maybe just get a cabin or something."_

_"Okay."_

_"Great. I need to go but I'm glad you said yes so I can plan stuff. I'll come on Wednesday afternoon to help you pack."_

_"Okay."_

_"I love you, Ana banana."_

_"I l-love you too, Britt."_

* * *

By the time that Wednesday rolled around, I had found a way to fix the need that I was feeling in my gut and the ache in my limbs.

Only, it wasn't really a good thing.

Going to meetings had proved fruitful but not in the way anyone suspected...especially not me.

I hadn't gone a single day without a pill.

Even though my script had been revoked in the hospital and Quinn had cleared the house of anything stronger than over the counter drugs.

But what does a room full of drug addicts know about the most?

Where to go.

Who to see.

How to coast.

And I was coasting, the guilt of coasting while I was breastfeeding was torture.

I would see Britt that afternoon and I should have put a stop to what I was doing on my own.

But more than anything, I should have realized where I was and how many people knew me.

Nico was dead but Marco still had eyes and ears, so when I walked out of my meeting that morning with a single pill squeezed in my palm, I walked straight into Marco and I froze.

He had a look in his eyes that used to mean he was about to whoop my ass and I backed away from him.

But he held his hand out to me and waited.

 _"No."_ I said, feeling caught out when I had thought I was being so discreet.

_"Don't do this, Anita. Hand it over."_

_"No."_

I turned and rushed up the stairs as quickly as I could. When I looked back, he was still standing at the bottom of the steps watching me until I pushed inside. I dipped my fingers in the holy water and crossed myself before making my way to the altar at the back.

As I knelt there, I looked at the crucifix above the candles and then slipped the pill into my mouth.

 _"Anita."_ He said, clearly from the doorway but I kept staring ahead, folding my hands like a good Catholic girl and beginning my penance.

 _"Baby?"_ My head whipped to the side and there she stood, her timing crazy as I swallowed the pill that I had left dissolving on my tongue. She looked to Marco and nodded for him to go.

She came and knelt beside me, crossed herself and began an Our Father like she had been doing this her whole life.

It was like being in the center of the twilight zone.

* * *

_"I got here about an hour ago and Marco was at the house talking to Sandra. He told me where you were and how an old dealer buddy of his has been helping you. He came to confront you and even thought I wanted to, I felt like he got you in this mess before me, maybe you'd respond to him. That didn't work."_

_"No."_

_"So I got an insane update about you nearly overdosing. That scares me a bit but it's nothing I haven't dealt with before. How deep are you, baby?"_ She was soft where I wasn't, that was still plain.

How had I gotten back here?

 _"I d-don't know."_ I whispered.

_"You've still been breastfeeding Dani...right?"_

_"S-sometimes but only after it wears off."_ I lied. She tsked and I looked down at my shaking hands. This was supposed to be a happy reunion. _"I'm sorry."_

_"I know. So am I. The kids are going to stay home...Sandra says we should have our honeymoon while she looks after them but I know it's an excuse. I agree though. You could use a break."_

_"Th-they are my kids."_ I said.

_"I'd like to keep it that way...so we are going to let that be the last pill you take without a prescription. We are going to get in the car and go on our vacation and hopefully by Sunday...things will be different."_

_"Is th-that a threat?"_ I asked pushing to my feet and she stayed there looking at me, not wanting to make me feel threatened I guess. Which was a change for her. Using her height advantage in an argument had always been her go to but maybe she had changed.

_"It's a reality. You have way too many people that social services would give the kids too. You also have a history of drug use, so I want you to be with the kids and be a mom. I will do everything I can to make sure you don't get in your own way. This is what you do. You have a moment of happiness and you panic and screw up things. I'm back and I won't let you fuck up."_

I cringed as the curse slipped off her tongue in a sanctuary surrounded by crucifixes.

_"Fine. C-can I at least see th-them before we go?"_

_"Of course you can. Want to go now?"_

_"Yes."_

* * *

When I got home, Sandra and Quinn were at the table talking in hushed voices with Marco. I cleared my throat and they looked up in surprise.

_"Wh-where are they?"_

_"Napping, are you leaving now?"_ Q asked, looking like she wanted to convince me to stay but I needed to go off and do this without all of their judgements and interference.

Britt was back and we were both going through our own highs and lows, in the past I dealt with things on my own or when I was forced to, on every one else's terms but this didn't feel like that.

This felt like a break from all of it, a reset, and a rest.

I headed into my room and kissed my babies with Britt just behind me. She kissed them too and then picked up my overnight bag, her hand coming to rest in mine as we walked towards the car.

The hushed whispers had stopped, instead Quinn had gone upstairs and Sandra was waiting for us in the kitchen.

She pulled me into a hug and kissed my face.

 _"We'll figure this out. Just us, you let me know how I can help and I will. That goes for both of you."_ She hugged Britt next and then held the door open for us.

It was so strange.

Part of me felt like this was all a ruse to drop my ass off at rehab.

And I wouldn't put it past any of them.

But Britt wouldn't lie to me...not about that...would she?


	32. Can't Let Go (Anthony Hamilton)

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

**ONE DAY LATER**

* * *

I laid in bed, butt naked watching my wife standing at the window staring out at a nearly frozen lake, she was swaying a bit as she hummed to herself. I think she was expecting me to fake her out.

The whole ride, she was asking me questions...about my stay in treatment...if I thought she needed it...did I ever just want to drop her in the woods and leave her there...crazy stuff like that.

But instead, I brought her to a cabin off of Lake George, a three hour drive north of the city which was quiet in early February, I'd only seen two other cars on the road in and it made me excited to know it was a good starting point.

Just us.

She grinned as she got closer to the window, her breath was fogging the glass as she stared wide eyed.

I slid from the bed and stood behind her, wrapping my arms around her shoulders and pulling her against me.

 _"Look."_ She whispered pointing at the lake shore.

There was an adult and a kid having a snowball fight.

_"I want that for you...for us. To be carefree like that."_

_"Me too."_

_"I won't let them take the kids from you. I promise."_

She got stiff and I expected a protest but instead she turned in my arms and looked me straight in the eye.

_"If I e-ever jeopardize them...I need you to pr-promise me you will."_

_"What? You're serious?"_

She lifted her hand up to me, showing me the scar on her wrist and palm. Then she brought my fingers to her face, it wasn't super visible but there was a scar right along her lip, where she always told me she got a mole removed as a kid.

_"He h-hit me so h-hard that my teeth went th-through my lip. I w-was 9."_

_"You aren't your father, Ana."_

_"No but he only did th-this when he was dr-drunk."_

She was beginning to cry and God, I just couldn't let this vacation be filled with tears.

_"Okay, if you ever put them in jeopardy, I will take them and let you go figure it out. I won't let you back until you are sober. Is that what you want to hear?"_

_"P-promise me."_ She held up her pinky.

I didn't want to do this but then I thought of her putting Izzy in danger and how that pushed me to keep her from him. She should have known that this was a thing I was already capable of. I was still capable of.

But I didn't want to.

Not then and not now but I knew it would eat her alive if she didn't feel a consequence for slipping up.

_"I promise."_

* * *

On top of coming home to her new pill thing, which we were going to fucking nix if I had anything do with it because forreal addictions were annoying...but on top of that, she still looked skinny...but like even more so.

So, we went out after that whole promise thing and bought enough food for the both of us...plus a little more.

When we got back, I pulled out pots and dishes, then put away all the food and then in my sweetest voice.

_"Can you make me breakfast?"_

She looked at me like I had said something nuts.

_"R-really?"_

_"Yes. If you make breakfast, I'll make lunch."_

_"And leave me with d-dinner?"_

_"Well yeah, we can take turns...that means tomorrow, I'll make two meals and you make one. It's fair."_

_"Fine but wh-what about dessert?"_

_"You are dessert...Quinn told me you were cleared for strenuous activities...why didn't you tell me last night when you were fucking me to sleep?"_

She shrugged as she pulled out eggs and bacon.

_"No big deal."_

_"Uh...yes, it is. I'd like to have sex with you. Did you know we haven't had sex since like August?"_

_"I had sex with you."_

_"No. You haven't let me touch you since right after Ian died. I miss your taste and your sounds...I miss you. I am yours but you are not mine...not yet."_

She turned around with tears in her eyes and slowly pulled her sweatshirt off...then she took off her bra looking self conscious...then she pushed down her leggings with a hand on the counter to steady her.

And there she was, completely naked in front of me and I wanted to jump on her.

But then she put her fingers over the scar that split her chest and then her other hand on her cesarean scars.

_"H-How can you s-still want me?"_

_"How can I not?"_ I said, moving closer to her, stripping my clothes off along the way. I pressed my body against hers and then ran my fingers up and down her arms.

_"I'm not h-hot anymore. Th-that was like my one job."_

_"Maybe to the glee club but not to me. Looks fade, you are more than your smoking body and pretty face."_

_"Am I?"_

_"Yes..."_ I wanted to say let's forget breakfast but then I brushed my hands along her ribs and her boney hips...she was too firm and tiny for someone who had just given birth in December. _"After breakfast...I'll show you how much you mean to me."_

 _"Can we j-just h-have fruit?"_ She asked, her voice was small, just like I imagine it was when she was trying to appease Marco but I was not him. Fruit was better than nothing.

And we could have that in bed.

_"Yes."_

* * *

The more she moaned while I dribbled fruit over her body and then fed it to her, before licking the juice off her...the more excited I got.

In just foreplay, I got her to eat strawberries, blueberries, and a super juicy pineapple. She was looking down at me expectantly as I trailed kisses down to the center of her but then I came back up...kissing scars and stretch marks as she squirmed.

 _"Please?"_ She whined and I felt vindication.

I wanted her to want me.

I needed her to need me.

And then I started humming that song and she chuckled and when she did I slid my fingers into her and she hissed.

 _"You okay?"_ I asked and she nodded.

_"Take it e-easy."_

_"Right."_ So I did. I moved my fingers through all the wetness, then brought my fingers to her lips. _"Suck."_ I watched her weave her tongue around my fingers and shuddered, I needed her to see what she did to me. _"You're so fucking hot."_ I growled and then I sunk between her thighs.

 _"Yessssss."_ She hissed again as I sucked her clit between my lips, then my fingers moved slowly and she was whimpering as she moved her hips. _"Yesssss!"_

I couldn't stop watching her come undone as I brought her closer and closer to the edge.

My wife.

My everything.

She tasted different...almost chemical but tangy and sweet too...like the drugs in her system were seeping out of her along with all the sweetness she'd been faking for way too long but I kept going. I went until she was shuddering, her body going into so much shaking I had to stop because I thought she was having a seizure but she was smiling down at me.

No, seizure just a really good series of orgasms by yours truly.

Score for me.

Literally.

Now all I needed was to get her on the right track and this was definitely a start.

* * *

**ONE WEEK LATER**

* * *

_"Have you talked to her?"_ Frankie asked me as I stretched in my office. I looked up at her and then slumped back against the wall.

_"No. She won't talk to me."_

_"To be honest, I wouldn't either. You fed her, fucked her, and then left her in Lake George."_

_"For a week. In a few more days, I'll be right back there picking her up and bringing her home. Besides, I gave her the option to go into treatment, I didn't force her."_

_"No, but I mean, what other choice did she have?"_

_"I already feel bad, Frankie...don't make it worse."_

_"You live in my house and you insisted I come to New York in the first place, I'm nine months pregnant and cranky, don't act like me talking to you is an annoyance, right now, Brittany."_

I held up my hands and nodded my head.

_"Okay. Fine...maybe I'll go up early, her time ends on Sunday, I could go up Saturday night with the kids and we can pick her up. Spend the day in the cabin...family time."_

_"You think she'll want that?"_

_"It would be a good way for her to know that I'm not taking the kids from her."_

_"Or you could just tell her."_

* * *

But I didn't tell her, I decided to leave the kids with Sandra and head up the cabin on my own.

She felt like I blindsided her and so I was going to give her some power back...in bed.

Why not?

How long had it been since we had gone there?

I had everything planned out but when I showed up to pick her up on Sunday, the lady at the front desk stared blankly at me.

_"What was the patient's name again? Spell it out for me hon?"_

_"Santana Lopez. S-A-N-T-A-N-A L-O-P-E-Z."_

She looked at her screen for a moment and then clicked to another and then nodded.

_"She's not here. She checked herself out on Monday."_

_"What?!"_

_"Sorry, honey. She's not here."_

I'd driven three hours and for what?

But I had rented the cabin and had gotten myself all worked up for a relaxing two days at the lake.

No wonder they wouldn't let me talk to her when I called.

There was no one to talk to.

I parked at the cabin and headed up to the door.

But there was music coming from inside.

I unlocked the door and there she was sitting on the couch, a glass of wine in one hand and a book in the other.

Like this week hadn't happened and I had been out for a walk.

 _"Uh...hi."_ I said as I put the keys down and dropped my overnight bag by the door before kicking it closed.

She looked at me with annoyance and went back to reading her book without a word.

* * *

I had fucked up...that was obvious because I was pacing back and forth looking at her and she just smirked.

No words.

No anger...just her casually reading and taking small sips from her wine.

I finally just sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her.

She looked healthy, this week had made her look healthier...happier.

How?

And then I remembered what Ari had told me of my wife.

She had spent weeks alone as a kid...she knew better than most people how to be alone.

This showed that to me.

Not once since she had been awake, had she really spent time all alone and now I had essentially given her a full week to do just that.

_"You left rehab."_

_"I did."_ She said, eyes still on the book as she sipped her wine.

_"You weren't answering my calls."_

_"No p-phones in rehab."_

_"Yeah but you left."_

_"You didn't know th-that."_ She said, sounding amused.

_"This isn't funny."_

It happened so fast, the way she lurched her feet and placed her empty glass on the coffee table.

Then she was on her knees just in front of me and looking up at me with a smile.

_"I n-needed peace. I'm s-sober. That was j-juice...I just wanted to f-feel like a big girl."_

She began to work on my shoe laces, pulling them out until she able to pull off my shoes.

Then she was peeling off my socks before sliding her hands up my legs.

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Whatever you w-want, Daddy."_ She whispered and I could feel the heat in my cheeks.

_"If this is what peace does to you, baby, I'll give you as much peace as you need."_

She chuckled and then slapped my thighs.

_"Clothes off."_

* * *

We went at it until we were both panting and sweaty. She suggested I shower while she made me lunch...so I did and then I came out, watching her linger at the window again, wrapped up in a robe. The scratches on my back from her digging her nails into it stung as I dug through my bag to find the strap-on that I had brought on a whim.

 _"Look at me."_ She said from behind me and I turned to see her wearing it...fresh from the packet and it fit her hips just right.

_"That was for me to wear."_

_"You left me."_ She said plainly and I knew better than to argue.

_"How do you want me?"_

_"Chair."_ She said and that's when I noticed the chair that was in front of the window. I began to move but she was a step ahead of me as she sat there and spread her legs. I came to stand in front of her and she spun her finger around, so I turned to face the window. _"Sit."_

I hesitated...it had been forever since I had taken a strap-on and especially not one this big. I had gotten one I knew she'd like which was bigger than anything I'd ever had...and I'd had a lot.

But I wasn't going to crack...it seemed this whole time as she fucked me with her fingers and mouth, she was trying to take back all the shame she felt when I left her at that rehab.

This seemed to be a part of her peace and I was more than willing to let her have her way with me.

So when I slid into her lap, biting into my lip the whole time she got impatient and yanked my hips down until I was flush against her lap.

 _"FUCK!"_ I yelled and she kissed my back.

 _"D-dance for me."_ She said as she held loosely to my hips. I leaned back against her and rocked my hips. The ache was almost too much but it felt good to have her feeling so in control.

I'd taken some much control away from her and I would do anything to give it back.

She pressed her lips to my back as I rocked for her and she kept moaning when I would moved just so...so I kept doing it.

Her panting got me excited so I kept doing it until she realized I was taking over so she wrapped her arms around my waist and stood up.

I yelped as she pushed my upper half forward against the window.

She had been so close to an orgasm but now she was fucking me against a window without a second thought.

 _"Oh God...fuck...fuck...Ana...fuck!"_ I was chanting as she kept going then she snaked her hand between my legs and went warp speed against my clit. I came squirting and shaking a second later.

She leaned against me and in me, as I caught my breath.

 _"Not done."_ She said as she kept her arms tightly around me, we walked, with me still on that monstrosity and her pushing us forward onto the bed. _"H-hands and knees."_

I had never been so thoroughly fucked in my life.

And I knew for a fact that she had...by me even.

Now I was experiencing what I used to do to her back in Lima...then I'd go fuck Frankie...only I was being vicious and even now, she was still being sweet.

I got on my hands and knees, waiting for her. She pulled back and then surged forward and I collapsed.

My knees keeping my hips high enough for her but my face pressed into the pillows.

I came twice and then tapped the bed.

 _"I...fuck...need a minute."_ I said, feeling like I was dying of thirst.

 _"Don't th-think I've h-heard you say that before."_ She said pulling out of me and then laying at my side.

 _"Well you have never...like that...wow. I see why you're a bottom."_ I said and she growled at me and smacked my ass. _"Yes, a bottom just like my ass."_

Then her hand was pushing between my legs again and she slowly ran her fingers over my clit. I spread my legs and she chuckled.

 _"Slut."_ She chuckled.

_"Only for you baby...oh fuck...only yours!"_

_"Like the s-sound of that, B Lo."_

I let out a long moan as I came and then I rolled off the bed, on shaky legs trying to put some distance between us.

_"I don't know what kind of drugs you're on but I need a breather."_

Her face dropped and I heard myself and I regretted it but it was too late.

She slid off the bed and stormed into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door.

Fuck.

* * *

**ONE MONTH LATER**

* * *

No amount of holy water or prayers will ever erase the fact that I tried to kill my wife. There is nothing that anyone can say to me that will make me forget that I nearly killed my daughter.

I will never pretend to be perfect ever again and seeing her shut down on me after I made that stupid comment, well that just proved that I still had some growing to do. Frankie had given birth to a sweet little boy just after we got back from Lake George and I had moved back to the house to give her and Siobhan their space.

My marriage had some bumps but Ana was trying her hardest to prove to me that she was serious about not being addicted to those pills. She'd been going to meetings with people, so I knew she wasn't buying drugs.

Was it weird to me that most of the time that person was Marco?

Absolutely but she was trying and I was not.

I was in the heat of working again and trying to find the perfect female lead and without Frankie there, I was failing miserably.

After a three weeks in a row of bittersweet auditions, I still hadn't found the star of our show. We kept getting amazing singers but awful dancers or amazing dancers that were tone deaf.

I was at a loss and needed someone to help me with this process but I was trying to do it on my own, without talking to Ana, even though she always has an answer to everything, I wanted to prove myself.

At first I was going to call Rachel Berry but that thought quickly left me when I thought about the damage that she could inflict on a production. She was so amazing that she wasn't humble and I needed that humility.

I only had 1 rule, no divas.

That was my first priority.

Ana had told me to leave Frankie be while she got used to being a mom and I had promised her that I would but then I broke and called her anyway. I should have listened to my wife because Frankie ended up crying about being too tired to think of dancing and Siobhan yelled at me so now, I'm forced to figure it out on my own AND I have Frankie mad at me.

I felt so close to just letting Tony choose the dancer but that would be the same as quitting and I didn't want that.

I'd worked too hard for this.

* * *

The moment that I got hung up on by Frankie on Friday morning, I got pulled into a day full of auditions. By the time dinnertime rolled around, I was dragging because I ended up on the stage a few times. I was really hoping that Frankie wouldn't call Ana and tell on me, we were still in a weird place and I didn't need her coming at me for something else.

I had the feeling that I should fess up to her first and tell her I was making mistakes all over the place but I felt like I still had time.

Usually I get home late, close to 7 but today I got out early and would be able to give Izzy his bath for once.

We had yet to hit a home routine and with my hours being all crazy, I felt responsible.

I just wanted peace but when I got back to our house, Quinn was in the middle of a shouting fest with none other than Rachel Berry and Kurt Hummel. It was like walking into the twilight zone. I dropped my bag loudly in the foyer and then kicked the door closed with my foot. The arguing stopped and I was met by three pairs of angry eyes.

I put on my biggest smile despite my exhaustion as I tossed my purse onto the couch and strode into the kitchen for a long anticipated bottle of water.

Eventually, I acknowledged them.

I walked back into the living room and plopped down on the couch and looked at the three ex-glee members.

 _"What's up guys?"_ I asked nonchalantly as I sipped my water.

Rachel went to speak but Quinn held her hand up and then turned towards me.

_"What are you doing home Britt, San and the kids aren't even here."_

_"I live here Quinn...a_ _nd I know that she's not here, she texted and told me she was at Sandra's and would be home later. W_ _hat are they doing here?"_ I asked seriously.

 _"We were...I asked Kurt over because he and I are in the same dramatic arts class...we got assigned as partners for the semester. He brought Rachel and I was just asking her to leave."_ Quinn said as she glared at her ex-girlfriend.

 _"And I don't see why she is putting up such a big fuss!"_ Rachel said as she stomped her foot and crossed her arms over her chest. I looked at Kurt and he was packing his things.

 _"Well Rach, I think that Kurt is making that decision for the both of you. I don't appreciate you thinking that it would be okay for you to come here after everything with us."_ I said as I stood to my feet and walked towards the door so that I could personally show them out.

Something about her being here just didn't sit right with me.

They both looked back at Quinn but didn't move towards the now open door.

 _"Call me later Kurt."_ Quinn said quietly as she began to walk towards me.

Now we were both standing by the door.

Kurt nodded and grabbed Rachel's hand and they made their way towards the door.

And then her intentions became clearer to me.

 _"So Brittany...I hear that you are head of casting for the formerly titled Misfits...I was wondering if-"_ she began but I turned abruptly away from her and made my way up the stairs.

 _"Not interested!"_ I said as I brushed past her.

I didn't even turn around to see what expression she was making because I was pretty sure that I already knew.

* * *

I was incredibly tired but I wanted to talk to Ana before Frankie did. I couldn't let this become something big. So I laid across my bed and called

 _"Yes?"_ she sounded tired and annoyed.

_"Hey babe...I just got home. Are you okay?"_

_"No."_ she said harshly.

_"What's wrong?"_

_"My mom is g-getting married."_

_"Oh that's great news!"_ I said happily.

 _"No...it's not g-great news! She is m-marrying my godfather! It's just...str-ange."_ she said sounding like a jealous five year old.

_"You love Hector! Who better than him?"_

_"It's just...weird."_

_"You'll get used to it, I mean as long as your mom is happy, right?"_

_"You h-hate my mom."_

_"I don't hate her. I just don't care for her bullshit."_

_"S-same thing."_

_"When are you coming home, I really need to talk to you."_

_"W-we are t-talking now."_

_"Ana, you have been spending most of your time at Sandra's, hiding out from me every other week. I trust you. I told you that."_

_"B-but I d-don't trust myself wh-when you're not home."_

_"Why?"_

_"I'm scared to screw up."_

_"I'm so proud of you for admitting that to me."_

_"I don't w-want anymore lies in between us."_

_"Oh...right...no lies!"_ I said nervously. My skin was suddenly hot and clammy as I buried my face in the pillow.

_"Wh-what aren't you saying, Britt?"_

_"I um...I love you Ana and I only want to be with you."_ I said as I lifted my head and rested it on my hand.

_"I love you too, B. Tell me now please, y-you are s-scaring me."_

_"So you know how I have been freaking out over these auditions?"_ I started slowly.

_"Yes."_

_"Well...I needed a little help...a second opinion other than Tony, you know...so I called Frankie even though you said not to and now she's pissed at me."_ I finally blurted out.

 _"Oh..."_ she paused for a long time and I waited patiently.

* * *

In the span of the sixty seconds that she was silent, I braced myself for her to yell and scream at me. We had been through so much so this was kind of a big deal for the both of us.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity she spoke.

 _"Thanks for t-telling me B. Y-you are under p-pressure, g-give her space."_ she said softly.

 _"Ok."_ I whispered.

_"Feel b-better?"_

_"Yes."_

_"G-good. I am l-leaving the k-kids here."_

_"What?! I've been waiting all day to give Izzy a bath!"_

_"I n-need us time. Q is l-leaving t-tonight too."_

_"You sure about that? We haven't been alone since the lake."_

_"E-exactly. I trust y-you, I n-need to trust m-me. Th-that starts with not sh-shutting you out. S-see you soon."_

_"Ok. I'll help however I can, you know that right?"_

_"Of course, B. I love you."_

_"Always and only you babe."_ I said softly before I hung up.

And then all of a sudden I was a wreck as I covered my mouth with my hand and sobbed into the pillow. I was so overcome with her words ringing in my head. Not since everything went down had I felt her trusting me...not really and then after I left her in Lake George, I knew she was losing trust in me as her mate but her saying it just now...well that made me feel like I was on top of the world.

_I trust you...I trust you...I trust you...I trust you!_

It was like water after crossing the desert.

God had answered one of my deepest prayers.

I wouldn't let Ana down.

* * *

 _"Mama...ki ki...peessseee!"_ Isaac mumbled to Ana as she carried him into the house.

_"I thought you were leaving him?"_

_"Y-you w-were so ex-excited about the bath."_

_"So you brought him home so I could give him a bath?"_

_"Y-yeah. T-take him, he's heavy."_

I leaned my head closer to him and he planted a wet kiss on my cheek and then pulled back and looked at the trail of spit that was there.

He was so proud of himself.

I smiled at him and held up my hand.

_"You are getting better and better, high five Izzy!"_

_"Five!"_ he squealed. He raised his chubby little hand and hit my palm and then laughed.

I lifted him from Ana's arms and she sighed with relief before sitting down at the kitchen table. She rested her chin in her hands as she watched me dance around the kitchen with our son.

He was in a great mood and I was soaking up everything about it.

 _"Did you eat?"_ I asked Ana as I bounced Izzy in my arms.

_"He did. Twice."_

_"And you?"_

_"No."_

_"And why not?"_

_"I w-wasn't hungry."_

_"Are you hungry now?"_

She looked at me sideways.

_"Sh-should I be?"_

_"Depends on the last time you ate."_

_"Br-Breakfast at 7."_

_"Then yes, it's been over 12 hours, so yes. I expect you to be hungry."_

She dropped her head on the table and groaned.

_"Fine."_

_"Cereal and milk?"_ I asked as I pulled down her favorite bowl.

_"Sure."_

_"Okay, you're in a mood. Are you mad at me?"_

_"Yes...no...Fr-Frankie called in the car. You heard the b-baby crying and k-kept demanding an-answers."_

_"Oh. I am so used to our baby crying...I guess I just forgot that's stressful."_

_"Well you s-should give them sp-space."_

_"And you."_ I blurted out, tired of this whole cold shoulder she'd been giving me.

We hadn't even had sex since the lake...since before I said something dumb.

She poured her cereal and then got up to go get milk but she had to pass me, so I grabbed her upper arm.

Not even tight but it was enough to piss her off, she snatched her arm from me.

_"D-Don't."_

Izzy started crying and I was trying to soothe him while trying to figure out where the disconnect was with me and Ana.

The way she looked at me when I touched her was like we had gone backwards.

We'd only been married for a month and it seemed like it had all gone to shit.

 _"Mama! Mama!"_ Izzy cried but Ana just put milk in her bowl and slowly ate her food.

 _"What are you doing to my baby?!"_ Quinn asked as she pushed into the kitchen with her bag over her shoulder.

_"He's tired and cranky."_

_"Give him here, I'll take him with me to Celia's."_

I looked to Ana for some guidance but she just looked at Q and shrugged like she didn't give a shit.

What was going on?

I handed Izzy over to Quinn after giving him kisses and she left us alone in the kitchen.

* * *

_"Want to tell me what I did that has you so mad?"_

_"I'm e-eating."_ She said as she chewed her food.

So I sat across from her, crossed my arms over my chest and watched her.

 _"Well then I'll talk...okay?"_ I asked and she shrugged again. _"I trust you, Santana."_ At her full name, she lifted her eyes and glared at me. I shrugged this time, _"At least I know you're listening."_

 _"I am."_ She said before going back to her bowl.

_"Good. So okay...I feel like we keep having these awesome starts and then stops. One day you're mad at me and the next you're not. I just don't know what to do. Do you want me to leave? I can go or maybe you need me to tell you more? Maybe I'm not doing enough? I just need to know what you need...I feel so lost and I am trying so hard to be what you need but I don't know what that is."_

_"I..."_ She paused, _"Were you done?"_

It came off so cold from her, even though I knew that's not how she intended it.

_"Yes."_

_"At the lake...I...re-remembered e-everything. I...re-remember what you did to me. I just...don't know how to m-move on. I f-feel stuck."_

It was by far the longest sentence she'd said in awhile and looking at her now, knowing all of that, I could understand why she was upset.

_"So that's why you're weird about me touching you?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Do you regret remarrying me?"_

_"Not r-really."_

_"But you do, a little bit?"_

She put her face in her hands and began to cry.

 _"Sorry, sorry, sorry."_ She said and my blood ran cold.

No.

We were not going back here.

No.

I reached over and pulled her hands away from her face and looked in her eyes.

And she did the thing she's always done when she's known I'm searching and she's sober, she stuck out her chin and dared me to look.

Nothing.

Thank God.

 _"You remember the bad things, don't you?"_ I asked, reaching for her hands again and choosing this time to hold them in my own. _"You can tell me anything, I'm here, baby."_

_"I sn-snorted so much coke. I d-don't deserve him."_

_"Who Izzy? Is that what that was?"_

_"Then I f-fucked Marco after he al-already signed the papers. I g-got high af-after."_

This she hadn't told me.

_"That's in the past though, do you also remember how instead of going big for your 19th birthday, you went to rehab all on your own?"_

She nodded and let the tears come.

_"I ta-taunted you. Pushed you."_

_"No. Don't go there. What I did was unacceptable, no matter what you did. You will not make excuses for me. Understand?"_

_"Okay."_

_"If you need me to give you space while you figure this stuff out, I can do that however you need me to. I'm sure Frankie would let me stay if I offered free babysitting."_

_"No. I j-just need c-control of us."_

_"The sex...that's what you were doing?"_

She looked down into her bowl and nodded.

_"Yeah."_

_"Did it help?"_

_"It was until you s-said that thing."_

_"I was an asshole for that. Let me make it up to you. Everyone is gone, you can fuck me as much as you want and I won't say dumb stuff."_

_"Yeah?"_ She looked excited all of a sudden.

_"Sure baby, whatever you want."_

_"Carry me up?"_

* * *

She had more stamina than she had a month before but I'd been dancing again regularly, so I did too.

I let her handcuff me to our headboard and then I laid there at her mercy while she fucked me hard.

And I was shaking as I came over and over again until she finally allowed herself to let go.

My body ached so good and I felt insanely grateful that it was Friday and I didn't have work the next day because I wasn't sure I could make myself walk if I wanted to.

She cuddled against me in the tub a while later, just like we used to do when we were two broke teenagers and she was at war with her own feelings for me.

Everything was so simple back then when her biggest worry was holding my hand in public.

Now we had a family and were trying this marriage thing a second time...for her technically a third time.

_"So t-tell me about your work st-stress that y-you were bugging Frankie about?"_

_"I'm still trying to find my female lead. Can you believe that Rachel Berry was here earlier trying to suggest I cast her?"_

_"In our h-house?"_

_"I know, I said that to her."_

_"Good."_

_"It's just tough because I get great singers that are terrible dancers and terrible singers who are amazing dancers."_

_"Well...I know Ari is available, she's t-taking a leave of absence this s-semester."_

I laid there staring at Ana in awe.

_"How hadn't I thought of her? Wait did she have the bone marrow transplant?"_

She'd pretty much disappeared in the time since I'd been back so I had no idea.

_"Yes and she's d-doing good. S-staying with M-Marco."_

_"Do you think she'd do it?"_

_"It's h-her d-dream."_

_"Is it too late to call her now?"_

_"Yes b-but do it anyway."_

* * *

After we got out of the tub and settled in bed, I grabbed my phone and then settled into Ana's embrace while putting the phone on speaker.

It was just after ten and I hoped I wasn't interrupting her night.

 _"Hey Britt."_ Ari said breathlessly into the phone.

_"Hey...do you have a minute?"_

_"Yea...I just out for a run with Moncho."_ she chuckled.

_"At this hour?"_

_"Safest guy in the world next to me. What's up?"_

_"Do you sing?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Like how well?"_

_"I was in all-city choir in high school and I was the lead soloist...why?"_

_"Would you ever consider auditioning for Broadway."_

She hesitated but then laughed into the phone.

 _"It's...it's my dream."_ she said seriously.

_"I want you to audition...for the lead in my show."_

I was met by complete silence and then I heard a sob through the phone.

 _"Oh...my...are you serious right now Brittany?"_ she was shocked.

_"Yea. I really think that you would be perfect for the part but I need you to audition in front of my bosses and Tony. Can you come in Monday?"_

_"Uh...yea! God...yes! What time?"_

_"Ten."_

_"I'll be there! Thank you so much for this! Wow!"_

_"Wear sweats, bring sneakers, toe shoes and tap shoes. Oh and bring music for your song portion."_

_"Got it! Thank you! Wow!"_

_"See you Monday, Ari."_

_"Yes! At ten! Thank you...bye!"_

I really hoped that she was on point Monday because if she was than my search was over! Crazy excited at the prospect, I texted Tony and August, one of them could tell Frank that I would need them to come in.

My body was zinging, I was up for another round and when I looked at Ana, I could see that she was too.

 _"More?"_ She asked and I nodded.

 _"Please but a hug first?"_ I asked and when she nodded, we lunged at each other and hugged so fiercely it hurt. I was so excited!

I needed to trust my wife more, if I had just been honest in the beginning, I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

We had hit a rough patch but I had to believe things where looking up.

I couldn't let go of us...no matter what.


	33. Don't Wake Me Up (Chris Brown)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going Multi-POV for this one...enjoy!

* * *

**Celia's POV**

* * *

The responsible one-Sandra.

The gay one-Me.

The know-it-all one-Damariz.

The hermit one-Brenda

The rebellious one-Santana

These were the words that Papi would have used to describe us but my Mami would probably use different words because she had no idea that I was gay. It was maybe understood that me and Amber had a special friendship but it was never discussed and she was still trying to find me a husband even though I was 28.

And I let her continue to think that because I didn't feel like it was worth it to disrupt whatever fantasy she had of me as her favorite daughter because on her list, that's exactly who I was and I had to play my part.

Even if it meant living two different lives and when I was with Amber for all those years, it was okay because Amber didn't like Mami and Mami didn't like her, what was the point of forcing them on each other?

But with Quinn, so young but so wise, I wanted to make more of an effort because I could see her becoming my wife one day, so when she told me that she refused to be with someone who wouldn't live in their truth...I suddenly decided that it was time.

So, I had flown to Texas a few times now, trying to get up the courage to tell my mother that, not only was I in love, but that I am a rainbow flag waving LESBIAN. Each time though, I'd chicken out and come back home with my tail between my legs.

Like now, as I hover over thousands of feet above New York City, where everything was made of steel and glass, a sight that was much different than the sight I left in Texas...I knew that me and Q were at a breaking point.

My heart ached just thinking of the look that crossed her face each time I told her that I next time I'd do it.

Whenever I was in New York or Chicago, the reflections of the city always got me excited but when I saw Texas...any of it...I felt oppressed. As I sat there looking out the window, I realized that it had nothing to do with the skyscrapers but what rested beneath them.

It was in Chicago that I made my life with Amber James, a six foot tall, brunette with legs that went on for days. She made me weak in the knees with her Jamaican accent and the way she would wake me up with kisses on my eyelids. She was the perfect woman for me when I was in my early twenties, just out of the closet and cocky after graduating from Texas AM, Summa Cum Laude. I was at the top of my class and as Mami put it, I was throwing it away by painting instead of going into finance.

Amber and I were both runners and dreamers. We ran a few marathons every year and even founded one for art students at the city colleges. We became known names in the gay and straight community in both the south and north sides of Chicago. We were successful and happy. She was my first love...my first EVERYTHING.

I thought after she cheated and broke my heart that I would never find love like hers again.

Little had I known just how right I was...

Instead I found something better!

Quinn was everything to me and I had been fucking around with her emotions thinking that she's young and will be able to roll with it, what I hadn't factored in to my dumb assertions was that she had to grow up way faster than her age.

She had no time for games.

Where Amber was ready to just roll with my bullshit and me with hers, Quinn was not down for anything more than concrete commitments.

And I wasn't going to let her down again.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I had gone to sleep on Friday night with Isaac curled against me in Celia's quiet ass brownstone.

She'd promised me that she would be home and then I got there to silence.

Only a note that said, headed to Texas, back Saturday afternoon.

I knew that San and B needed this night alone, so instead of going back home, I decided to just stay the night and spend it with my amazing godson.

He curled against me, gripping tight to my shirt, like he was afraid that I'd leave him.

And maybe he was, God knows that he's been tossed around like a beach ball without much stability but I wasn't going to say that to his parents or his aunts, instead, I was going to be his one person that was there always.

I had no intentions of letting him down.

Even though I was pissed that this was probably going to be yet another time that Ceily had set out go tell her mom the truth and coming back with no progress, I still missed her.

I was loyal to her even though right now we were technically on a break, even when Rachel showed up to the house and tried to get me alone. It was only the scent of liquor on her breath at barely 5 in the evening that stopped me.

To this day, vodka reminds me of Russell and there was no way in hell, I could make out with her smelling like that.

With Izzy curled up against me, I slept like the dead but was startled awake by my phone's constant buzzing.

Bleary eyed, I stared at my phone screen and saw that I had a missed call from a number that I didn't recognize.

I checked the voice mail that followed and immediately regretted not answering the call.

 _"Q, it's Noah and Beth. Say hi Beth...hi!"_ I swear my heart stopped when I heard my daughter. _"I'm calling because...well...I'm sure you heard that I'm getting married...or rather...I was getting married."_ Even though I hadn't, I sat there nodding, _"Shelby called off the engagement...she's been cheating on me with some director. She got cast for a movie in LA. I'm suing her for full custody of Beth. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry for not telling you about any of this. Every time...I see Beth smile...I see you Quinn...I really think that if I get this custody thing going that you should think about developing a relationship with our daughter. Give me a call whenever. Say bye Beth...BYEEEEEEEE!"_

It was insanely early but I was wide awake now. It was like someone asked me what my deepest dream was and then said...here it is...here is your chance!

Hearing Beth was like a dream come true.

I was floating on a cloud!

There was so much I wanted to ask Noah, especially about his engagement to Shelby but that wasn't even a priority, getting Beth was.

 _"Dama?"_ I looked over at Izzy and he reached for me.

Hopefully someday soon, Beth would do the same.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

One of the first things that I had been told when I was leaving the hospital was that I needed a neurological clearance before I could get my driver's license back and I had been so good about not driving, even when I left Sandra's it had been with a driver but now it was four in the morning and my body was aching for the baby.

I'd left Sandra with enough milk but it was like my mother instinct was summoning me.

So even though she had purple bruises under her eyes as she slept next to me from all the lack of sleep she'd been getting, I couldn't resist. Only, I needed to get over these hangups and this was the time to do it.

I leaned in and kissed her perfect lips, she threw her arm over me and snuggled deeper.

 _"B...please?"_ I whined, knowing what was coming even if she didn't.

She pressed against me and I could feel the wetness seeping from me.

Her eyes popped open and she looked down at my bare chest.

_"You're leaking."_

_"I know."_

_"Do you want your pump?"_

_"I w-want the baby."_ I said.

 _"And what, leak all the way there? No way."_ And then she took me by surprise and licked my nipple. I scrunched up my nose but she smirked and sucked harder.

Then her fingers were between my legs and I came instantly, pressing my boobs into her face more.

 _"Fuck."_ I groaned and then moved her head to the other one.

And she did it again.

Who knew she had this kink? I sure didn't.

Her fingers kept playing and then she pushed inside of me and then sucked harder.

My body was overloaded with sensations but I didn't want her to stop.

I came hard and while I felt so powerless after remembering everything, right now, I felt like she was cherishing my still broken body.

 _"Turn onto your back and open your legs, baby."_ I did as she said and watched her make her way between my legs.

I felt so self conscious these days, which was new for me but she was making me feel like I had worth.

And that made all the difference.

The tears came unexpectedly and I just kept my hands on her head, encouraging her to continue her ministrations.

But then I came and I let out a huge sob, which pretty much ended her movements.

She came back to the top of the bed and pulled me against her body.

 _"Let it out, baby, I'm here. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. I will never do that again...you have the power baby, you have the control...for however long you need it. I'm yours. Lo siento, bebe."_ She whispered kissing my face, my tears, and my lips all while holding me tight.

 _"I l-love you."_ I said and then kissed her lips back.

_"I know, you love me even when I don't deserve it. I am forever grateful for you, Lolli."_

I snickered as I thought of that weekend and me ending things in this very house while still letting her fuck me all over the place.

She owned me then but right now I was working on owning myself.

Finding myself and being worthy of my children.

I had a lot of work to do but I wasn't going to give up trying.

When Britt finally got us up, dressed and out the house, I felt nothing but excitement.

Right now, Isaac was cared for but I knew I needed to do better by him, I had been short changing him since the womb and I had fears that as he grew there would be issues between us and I had a limited time to right my wrongs.

I was drawn to Daniela though because she was fresh and really only knew me...after last night, knowing that I was getting hit with constant memories of how bad I had been and how she was conceived, I just felt like I wanted to be attached to her always.

As much as possible.

I had to be a better mom and that started with at the very least, making sure that Daniela knew me as hers. Isaac hadn't gotten that chance but that didn't mean I couldn't give that to my baby girl.

* * *

When we got to Westchester, the baby was surprisingly still asleep and I sat in the nursery watching and waiting, my boobs were full to near bursting and I needed to give her what was hers.

Sure it was fun to play a little with Britt but this was different, my body was producing for our daughter and it felt terrible to waste it.

When she opened her eyes, I was there with her, waiting. I had left Britt with Sandra, to make breakfast and talk through their own stuff...whatever that meant...while I tended to my baby.

Once I had her changed, I lifted her up into my arms and sat down in the glider. Her eyes were wide open and she stared at me, taking me in fully.

 _"Hey, baby girl."_ I said and her lips tipped up into a smile.

I felt so blessed to have her there with me.

So many things could have gone wrong and almost did. My heart had stopped beating, I'd had strokes and we had both had seizures and somehow we were here right now. It felt like a blessing to be right there with my little girl. Right where I needed to be.

I was staring at her as she ate and running my fingers over the bridge of her nose and up across her forehead. She kept letting out little grunts and I smiled every single time.

I was excited to form this bond with my daughter. A bond that I hadn't had the opportunity to build with my son. I knew that it didn't really do anything to distance Isaac from me but after seeing Sandra and Tito, I had felt the pang of longing.

This was a blessing.

I sat there looking down at her eyes while she ate and it made my heart feel so warm.

Who would have thought that I would be the one to be excited to breastfeed my child?

That I would even be excited to be a mother of two before I turned twenty?

I sure didn't.

This though, was the happiest that I had ever been.

Daniela was healing me and so I knew that when I was finally home and had both of she and Isaac, that I would be able to become that person that I wanted to be. I would never leave my children, I would love them everyday.

I would teach them love and laughter.

Now that I knew that I would be able to redeem myself for my past mistakes while still being in their lives. I knew that I would do anything and everything possible to make my children proud to call me their mother.

My heart felt so full!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"What did you want to talk to me about?"_ It had been awhile since I had been alone with any of my inlaws but more than any of them, other than Brenda who really kept to herself in LA, the gap that was building between me and Sandra was only made worse by Ana choosing to stay here without me for weeks on end.

I had no idea what Sandra had been filling her head with but each time she came home, there was more space between us and I thought, surely Sandra, like Gladys was filling up Ana's head with a whole bunch of bullshit but then Sandra asked to speak to me alone.

So I helped Ana up the steps, knowing she was still slightly unsteady and then went back to the kitchen to sit with Sandra.

I had my walls up, ready for her to make me feel like shit but instead she sat across from me and folded her hands on the table top...and then smiled. She slid a stack of papers across the table and nodded towards the pen that was on top.

 _"We have things to discuss."_ She said.

_"Clearly but...why now, without Ana in the room?"_

_"Because she will try to stop me and I know that while you love my sister, you don't necessarily care for when people treat you like you don't have a mind of your own."_

_"I don't. No."_

_"That is the prenuptial agreement that my sister drew up last week. I have made a few alterations...she has been holding back on giving it to you because she's afraid you'll fight her on it."_

_"Why?"_

_"First, Marco drew up those papers and well, as her ex-husband she knew you'd already be skeptical...just like I am. So I took them to Sal and sure enough, Marco found a way to write himself into it. Turn to page 3."_

I flipped through it and found a clause that was circled in red pen.

 _"If fidelity is the cause of the split, Brittany S. Lopez (nee Pierce) forfeits custody of Daniela A.S. Lopez to Marco Vega."_ I looked at Sandra in shock. _"Does she know about this?"_

 _"No...I doubt she read it and I know he's been helping her through her sobriety...every day but I want you to know that while you and I have not always agreed, I somehow still trust you way more than I trust him...so, I had these drawn up."_ She pointed to a second stack, equal in size.

I looked through it for any claims on custody and there it was, the old custody arrangement that Ana and I had agreed on...50/50. Us moving back and forth to the primary residence.

This I could live with because I already had.

_"Be straight with me, would you let Johnny sign this? Would you sign this?"_

_"I already have, only my pre-nup is triple the size of that one. I walk away from this marriage with what I walked in with, unless he cheats, then I get everything and he has cheated and created a whole child. So of course, he's doing everything in his power to make sure I don't divorce him and take all of this."_

_"Shit."_

_"What you need to know is that I haven't told her that the I made a new agreement...I leave that bit of truth up to you. She's in a fragile place right now and you know how weirdly attached she is to that psycho, just tread lightly."_

_"I want to talk to her about it but thank you for looking out for the both of us. I...don't have many people in this world that have my back...I'm glad you are one of them."_

Just when I thought I was in the clear she reached across the table and rested her hands on top of mine.

_"I always will be just make sure that these hands never harm anyone that I love again. Got it?"_

_"Got it."_ I felt cold again but then she tapped my hand until I looked at her.

_"That means you too, Britt. Don't let these hands harm you either."_

_"Can I hug you?"_ I whispered, not able to get the words past the lump in my throat.

 _"I'd like that."_ She said back.

And that's how Ana found us a bit later, hugging, swaying, and crying like weirdos without explanation.

* * *

**Celia's POV**

* * *

My flight got into Laguardia at around noon and I hailed a cab immediately.

I had big plans for the day, the most important thing though was getting things sorted out and fixed between me and Quinn. We had lost so much time because of my hesitance and immaturity but that was going to change.

No longer would I waste her time or mine.

This most recent visit to Texas taught me that more than anything because it had been a big old waste of time and made me feel completely stupid for wasting so much time with Quinn. I had gotten down there and taken my mom and her husband out to dinner and before I we even ate appetizers, my mom put her hand up to silence me and told me flat out that she already knew why I was there.

She told me that she already knew that I was gay, that she had known for years and had been purposely trying to drag it out of me. Apparently, she set me up on dates with all these men because she wanted me to give in and just tell her. So this time she figured that she would just get it out of the way so that she could use her dinnertime more appropriately by spending her ex-husband's money buying lobster.

Knowing that I had Papi's money made her feel entitled to the money he always gave straight to us instead of her.

Only, I didn't have my inheritance, Brenda did but she didn't really care for my other baby sister...or Santana either come to think of it.

She looked so fucking smug as she feasted on her lobster...I had no idea how she felt about me being gay because she didn't say anything in agreement or disagreement, she simply said that I better find someone amazing and beautiful or just go get knocked up already because my eggs were nearly useless.

When I told her that I already had found love, twice now, her face lit up and so I spent the rest of dinner telling her all about Quinn. Then she insisted that I show her pictures and when she saw what Quinn looked like she insisted that I fly her to New York so that she could meet her in person and go check in on Sandra.

Luckily for me, Quinn and Sandra, I convinced her that we would set something up around Easter. Just so that Sandra could have time to be prepared for a tornado like my mother to come storming into New York and with my older sister going through something so hard and personal like the miscarriage that she hadn't talked to anyone but me about, I knew that the last person that she wanted around was our mother.

Feeling empowered by not having my mother hanging over me, I climbed in the cab, I asked him to take me straight to the city.

I hadn't talked to Quinn in a few days, I'd asked her to come over so we could talk but by the time she agreed to come, I was on a plane. It was cowardly to leave her hanging like that and I knew I needed to get my shit together pronto.

All I had was her last text from me, a picture of my nephew holding onto my pillow and drooling. The caption was ominous.

_**At least he doesn't leave me hanging, stayed tonight but heading home in the morning.-Lucy Q** _

When had I become so unsure of myself? I felt so nervous about the underlying anger in her text that I had the cabbie drop me off a few blocks away from the house so that I could walk and decide whether or not I should actually take the plunge and just show up.

She was already mad, did I really want to walk into her in a blind rage? I knew for a fact that she hated being blindsided.

It all depended on how she responded.

**_I'm back in the city...can I see you?-Ceily_ **

Now I was just waiting to see if she would answer.

I was putting my heart on the line for once.

For her, I was willing to do it until I fixed us.

She was the one for me.

I just hoped that I wasn't too late.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Izzy was extra clingy that morning and I knew that if I didn't get him in the arms of Britt or San, he'd be in a pissy mood. When he was happy, his light was the brightest like Britt's but when he was in a mood, he was darker and stormier than San and from the look on his face, I knew where he was headed.

**_Are you guys home?-Q_ **

**_Hey, headed home from Sandra's just picked up baby girl-San_ **

_**Awesome, bringing Mr. Grumpy Pants home soon-Q** _

**_A mood?-San_ **

**_Big one!-Q_ **

**_Oh boy :(-San_ **

While I got Izzy together, a bath and a few episodes of Elmo on his tablet in the cab, I listened to the voicemail from Puck and Beth for the 17th time. I was about to listen to it again as we pulled up in front of the house, when I got a text from Celia.

**_I'm in the city...can I see you?-Ceily_ **

My heart began to race and my palms were sweaty. I was torn on how I should respond because I wasn't sure that I wanted to put my heart on the line again.

I mean, I didn't want to get back with Rachel either but at least she was upfront with her intentions, Celia hadn't been and that was why I was at my wit's end with her.

This was it for me, if she went all the way to Texas and still didn't tell her mom like she had admittedly done a few times...I wasn't sure I could stand by any longer. I couldn't deal with cowards...that had stuck with me from Russell, he'd taught me to not respect a weak disposition and as of yet Celia seemed to be the weakest of the Lopez sisters but I still loved her despite myself.

Would this be more of the same?

This relationship had been breaking my heart over and over again for the last three months and I wasn't sure that I wanted to continue going through so much stress. She was always nervous and uncertain of us and I couldn't deal with it anymore.

Yes...me...the same person who dated Finn Hudson and Noah Puckerman, I just didn't want to deal with stupidity, I had grown up. After being with someone so self assured as Rachel Berry and being best friends with someone like Santana, I just couldn't tolerate being fucked with.

I wanted real love, head over heels love.

* * *

By the time we got home, Izzy was curled up next to me ready to have his morning nap. So I carried him upstairs and tucked him in his crib, taking the baby monitor upstairs to my room with me.

His moms weren't home yet but I knew that him waking up to them would make his mood way better.

I stared down at Celia's message and typed out a response. I stared down at it for a long time and then saved it and decided to torture myself further by looking through all the pictures of us on my phone.

Anyone could see the love that existed between us. What we had was real, I didn't doubt it for a second, but I needed more. I couldn't just be an option for her when she was one of my top priorities.

My heart had been through way too much.

Hearing Beth's little voice over the phone had definitely proved to me that my heart was still open and wasn't completely closed off.

There was so much hope in me today and Ceily would reap the benefits of that.

Lucky for her.

I deleted the rejection text that I had typed up and then pulled up a fresh screen.

**_Only come here, if you are ready to take what we have seriously. I will be here all day studying.-Lucy Q._ **

I reread the message a few times just to make sure that it was clear.

I was satisfied.

Hopefully she would show up.

My heart was open for her to take, I hoped that the faith I was exhibiting was met with good news.

I could really use it.

There was banging on the front door and then my name was being screamed from the street.

It was loud and obnoxious and my heart sank.

No.

Not now.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Seeing Britt and my sister hugging like that after a weeks of me in this house bitching about everything I forgot, said a lot of to me. The sister who I trusted more than most people was embracing the woman who hurt me, which meant that Britt had really turned her life around...or was at least trying to.

And if Sandra good hold her and treat her like a sister, well I could get the fuck over myself.

Daniela was asleep in the carrier that I had strapped to my chest and I was leaning on my cane, feeling like I was ready to just sit anywhere.

 _"Are you ready, baby?"_ Britt asked once she and Sandra broke apart.

 _"Yes...I m-miss my bed."_ I admitted and they both laughed.

_"Okay, let's go home. Thanks for everything, Sandra."_

_"Anytime. Let me know if you need anything, this week me and Tito are going to Miami with Johnny but we will be around after the Superbowl...if you two need to get away from the city...the house is yours."_

_"Th-thanks."_ I said and she pulled me into a hug, careful of the baby and then something swam in the forefront of my mind. How had I missed it? _"Sis...you were pr-pregnant."_ I said and she brushed her hand over my face.

_"I know."_

_"Oh. Wh-when?"_

_"Around Thanksgiving."_

_"I'm s-so sorry."_ I said, wiping at the tears that came. _"I h-have been here so much...I h-hate that it is j-just coming back to me."_

_"No, don't blame yourself. It's okay. It happened and while it aches more than anything I could have imagined, you know how it is...I threw myself into taking care of this family and Tito."_

_"Is th-that why Mami st-stayed here once I was aw-wake?"_

_"Yes, she wanted to make sure I was okay...she overstayed but I am grateful, because of her I was able to channel my sadness into being a great mom to the kid I have. She has had so many losses...so many miscarriages that she was the best person to be with in that time."_

_"N-now I feel bad for being m-mad at her."_

_"She's not perfect but she is deliberate in what she does, it's what makes her a good lawyer."_

_"Yeah."_

I looked at Britt, who was holding a folder under her arm as she texted...doing her best to be here but not butt in. Her face was twisted up and then she rolled her eyes.

 _"Of course."_ She muttered.

_"All g-good, B?"_

She looked up at me and shrugged. _"Frank wants to move Ari's audition to this afternoon, he apparently needs to be in Ibiza on Monday. I hate when he NEEDS to get his way. He didn't sit in on any auditions for the males leads but he insists on being there for this."_

 _"C-call Ari then."_ I said and she looked apologetic.

_"I'm so sorry, I know you wanted to go back home and enjoy our Saturday...unless you want to come? Ari could probably use the support."_

_"Sure. C-call her."_ Then I turned to my sister, _"Mind h-helping me to the car?"_

 _"Of course I don't mind."_ She tucked her arm in mine and helped me walk while Britt made the call.

Ari of course, would clear her day, this was her dream and she would move heaven and Earth for it.

Britt just needed to relax and I'd do what I could to help her.

In any way that I could.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

My head was so full.

So much had already happened and it wasn't even ten.

After my heart to heart with Sandra, then Ana's with Sandra, then having to call Ari to move up her audition, my head hurt. All I wanted was cuddles with my wife and kids, a fun Saturday at the park or the zoo but instead, I had to work.

_"Hey get out of y-your head. It's one audition and th-then we can just enjoy th-the being home."_

_"And if Frank loves her, I get the week off while he's in Ibiza."_

_"See! So g-good vibes, D-Daddy."_

I glanced over to her and she was grinning.

_"We have the kids today."_

_"Th-they n-nap and I kn-know how to be quiet."_

_"But I don't."_

_"T-Touche."_ She looked disappointed and I couldn't do that, not when she was trying boost my mood.

_"But I can learn."_

Things were starting to look up, Quinn already had Izzy and she'd be home all day so I knew she wouldn't mind watching him a little longer, but if he was in a mood we might have to bring him to the theater.

I was feeling anxious but as I pulled into the driveway and parked, I glanced at my wife and knew that she would handle the kids. She would do anything to make this go smoothly, not just for me but for Ari.

 _"Talk to me."_ She said.

_"Do you still love her?"_

_"Al-Always but sh-she was never you."_ She puckered her lips and I kissed her softly but she nipped my lip and kissed me harder. _"I'm y-yours always."_

_"Thanks, baby. I think I needed that. I love Ari, if it wasn't me, she would be the only person I'd want with you."_

_"N-Noted."_

_"I'm serious."_

_"I know."_

_"As long as I have you and the kids, I know I'll be okay."_

_"G-Good."_

_"Thanks for having my back, baby."_

_"Say less, B."_

As we walked into the house, our peace was immediately shattered.

With the sleeping baby strapped to her chest, Ana looked at me desperately.

A crying baby meant leaking boobs and we had to be at the theater in like a half hour.

But what could I do, about the screaming match that I was once again walking in on...but this time it was just between Rachel and Quinn without Kurt. On top of that Celia was just standing right there without saying a word, looking like she was about to break.

It so was not the way that we had planned to come home. This was the second time this week Rachel was at our house drunk, screaming and it was not how I wanted things to be, especially since, Izzy was screaming his head off through the monitor that Quinn was clutching in her hand.

Ana got red really fast and held the baby out to me.

Luckily for me, I she was giving me an out. I was under enough pressure, so I took the baby and then took the baby monitor from Quinn. When she saw us, her face dropped but then Rachel was yelling at her again and Quinn was yelling back.

I could see the anger written all over Ana's face, like she was itching to explode and I was relieved to not be on the receiving end of that look. I was glad to walk up the steps and away from what was about to go down.

Focusing on my kids would calm me and I knew Q wouldn't let Ana overwork herself...let her deal with Rachel. I was so over it all.

Now I understood why she stayed in that cabin all alone, peace was underrated, especially in this family.

* * *

Once Izzy saw me he relaxed back in his crib, playing with his toys with his face red and tears streaking down his face.

 _"Hey buddy. Did the yelling scare you?"_ He looked at me with his lip pouted and nodded. Smart boy. _"Don't worry, Mami will make it stop."_

 _"Ma Ma."_ He said, his voice hoarse.

 _"Yes, she will fix it all. She's magic like that."_ He smiled at me, shaking his Elmo at me. _"You play while I put sissy in bed."_ I said to him and he laid back down, stuck his thumb in his mouth and watched me work with his whimpering sister.

My head was pounding but I couldn't let myself get upset. The baby though sensed the shift in my mood and began to cry.

_"Please don't cry baby girl. I'm sorry for all the noise. It's not normally like this."_

Dani looked up at me with watery eyes for a moment and then started wailing. I quickly finished with her diaper and began to put her clothes back on. I felt a presence behind me and was surprised to see Celia standing there. I held Dani against my chest and tried to soothe her but she kept crying. I had fifteen minutes to get to the theater, which meant I needed to leave right now.

I was so stressed, my job was on the line and I didn't want to jeopardize it over drama that wasn't my own.

 _"Why don't you go ahead with her and Ana. I'm going to hang around here for a bit, I'll watch Izzy okay?"_ I looked at her excitedly and just nodded.

 _"Thank you so much!"_ I leaned in the crib and kissed Izzy's head and promised to see him later before I dashed out of the room and down the stairs with a screaming newborn.

I hesitated on the last step when I saw Quinn sitting on the couch like she was on time out, knowing my wife when she was angry, she probably was. I looked around and Ana was gone.

 _"What happened?"_ I said to Quinn over the crying.

_"San escorted Rachel outside. She suggested that Celia and I spend some time talking while we were alone, so I'm waiting for you guys to leave. I'm sorry about the yelling. It won't happen again."_

I could tell that Ana had definitely said something to her about all the screaming while Izzy was in the house. I nodded and made my way outside, thankful that I had left the baby's coat and hat on.

When I got outside, Ana was standing on the bottom step with her hands on Rachel's shoulders talking calmly to her. Rachel had tears streaming down her face and kept nodding.

What the hell was going on?

I caught the tail end of the conversation.

_"I'm s-serious R-Rachel, from what I can t-tell, you are d-drinking way too much. It's just after ten and you are just so-sobering up. Th-this is not a game. We are h-here for you. Okay? We l-love you."_

_"Even though I'm a f-failure!"_ she whined.

_"Stop that! I just told you...your dr-dreams aren't over! The R-Rachel B-Berry that I know w-would not let this kind of th-thing st-stop her. If you're a fa-fa-failure it's your own damn fault. Don't let it happen. I re-really want to see you succeed!"_

Rachel looked at Ana and nodded one final time before turning and walking off down the sidewalk.

I had been so focused on the fighting that I hadn't realized that the baby had stopped crying. I looked at my wife with so much pride. She had come such a long way.

It was like a dream come true.

She looked at me and then laughed to herself.

_"I kn-know, B. I've lost my fu-fucking mind! Let's go...shall we?"_

The day still had the potential to go back to being amazing and with the look of light and happiness in Ana's eyes. I knew that we were definitely on the path to a good day.

My job was on the line and was Tony's.

Hopefully Ari wouldn't disappoint.

My chest was still a little tight and I was breathing erratically.

I was just insanely nervous.

Ana leaned against me and smiled.

_"I love you, B. Th-They love you and tr-trust me...they will love Ari."_

I nodded, feeling hopeful for the first time all morning.

Now all I had to do was get through this audition and I could breathe again.


	34. Don't Let Me Be Lonely Tonight (James Taylor)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Multi-POV just to break up the monotony. Love you chicas...also, I'm debating a move I made in the original when it comes to Brenda...stay tuned.-NR

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

_"So Santana apologized to me on behalf of Brittany, even though it was Brittany that called me being all tone deaf about my screaming baby as she cried in my ear about work of all things!"_ I was in full rant to Siobahn as she changed Axel's diaper. _"Like her shit is more important than my newborn? I saved her job and provided her shelter after she practically raped me!"_

 _"You said she didn't. That you yelled for her to stop and then she did...was that a...lie?"_ Sio turned on me with the baby swaddled in her arms, giving me that look that usually had me running for the hills. _"Because if that was the case, I would have kept us right in LA or Paris, or somewhere not New York fucking City."_

I was tired.

Frank had called me personally that morning, at five to ask me to come into the theater for an audition that Brittany was insisting needed to happen. I was pissed about it because no one was respecting my maternity leave.

_"No. She...look babe, I'm just tired okay. I did not sign up for a colic-y baby."_

_"I didn't sign up for a baby at all but one of us had a one night stand with a celebrity and now here we are with this amazing piece of God, right?"_

Her accusation made me flinch. It had been a mistake, a drunken mishap on a tour I was doing. One of the number one rules is to not sleep with the artist and that's exactly what I had done.

Siobhan stuck by my side, had even taken the basketball season off to be here with me...fuck, she'd even let me take in Brittany.

 _"I'm sorry."_ I said, moving to her after she put the baby in his bassinet. I put my arms around her and rested my head between her shoulder blades, the feel of her muscles flexing making me moan.

_"You need to leave."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"You haven't been out of this house since he was born, it's been nearly a month. The theater is across the damn street. You came here to back up Brittany, so go back her up."_

_"But the baby..."_

_"Is fine. Go."_

_"I don't deserve you, you know that?"_

_"No one deserves anyone, stop putting yourself down, go shower and go do your thing. I think if we don't get some time away from each other, we aren't going to make it once we are back home. I don't want that, do you?"_

The words stung as she looked at me, her face stern.

Just how I liked my women, in charge.

She raised her eyebrows and I nodded.

_"I don't want to be without you, Sio, baby."_

_"Then leave and don't come back until you fix your shit with Brittany...play your cards right, we could probably get her to babysit when your body is ready to be mine again."_ She growled.

 _"Yours? Tired of your hand, baby?"_ I purred.

_"Of course I am, what's the point of getting married if I still have to rub it out like I'm a teenager?"_

_"At least you can rub it out, I just live on your kisses at this point."_

She kissed me hard and squeezed my ass.

The baby let out a squeal and she pulled away to tend to him before I could. When I leaned over the crib, she checked my hip. The pain shocked me and I glared at her and she grinned.

_"Go."_

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_"Are you ready?"_ I sat on the bed in my dorm room and laced up my old lucky high-tops. _"I want to stop by the church first...is that okay with you?"_

_"Everyone prepares in their own way, baby sis...getting called in today instead of Monday, means I get to be here for you through this. After last night...I think our family could use all the prayers that we can get."_

_"It's unreal isn't it? You two were so close as kids."_

_"Moncho was different back then, before the drugs, when his parents were alive, he was more in touch with his humanity. He lost that the day he raped Anita."_

_"Yea...it kills me to see what he did to her but he was getting better, he's been clean. He has been there every day for Anita, like it's his job and now...she's going to be so pissed when she finds out."_

_"Will she be at your audition?"_

_"No clue...we ended our affair in a weird place but the fact that Britt isn't pissed at me tells me that she hasn't told her about how we ended things...just that we did."_

_"Will it help anyone for Brittany to know?"_

He was right. Brittany had been known to fly off the handle and if she was giving me this big shot, there was no reason to jeopardize my dreams for honesty, I'd just have to ask God for forgiveness and move on.

Ana knew how to keep things to herself and unless she said something about our naked shower, it would go the grave with her. I had stopped things once I knew they were married, that had to count for something.

_"You're right, it serves no purpose."_

_"Okay, good...you have like an hour before you need to be at your audition...is that enough time for you to get to church and then the theater?"_ Carlos stood beside my door and zipped up his leather coat.

 _"Yep...we just have to go now. Can you grab my dance bag for me and meet me by the elevator...I have to pee!"_ I said as I ran towards my bathroom.

 _"That's like the sixth time are you sure that it's just nerves?"_ He looked at me anxiously.

I couldn't think about that right now.

I had just gone to the doctor's as a follow up for the bone marrow transplant and they said all signs point to full remission but in the last week it had felt like the polar opposite. .

 _"I'm nervous and that's it!"_ I said before slamming the door.

Truth was that I wasn't really sure that was all. I had been tired lately and in pain. My bladder was constantly on and I knew that this was what it was like the last time that the cancer came back. It shouldn't be this way thought. The last time that Moncho had donated marrow, I'd been in remission for six years but now...it was like four weeks.

God please let this just be a fluke.

I sat down and pinched my eyes closed as I prayed that this was just stress or nerves. I couldn't deal with chemo again.

I was freaking out inside but I had to lean on my faith.

God couldn't be so cruel to let this happen when I was on the cusp of achieving my greatest dream.

Could He?

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

_"Do a twirl for me."_ Siobhan said, as I walked into the nursery fully dressed for the first time since before the baby was born. I gave her a twirl and a shake...threw in a little shimmy and finally she was smiling at me.

_"Listen, about earlier...I am sorry. I...well...Britt was my first love and there's a part of me I think that feels angry that she led me on."_

_"Because she did but you also let her do that."_

_"I know."_

_"She hasn't forced herself on you again, has she? Are you not telling me something?"_

I froze under her scrutiny.

_"Uh...no."_

_"Francis, spill it."_

_"It's stupid okay...we had a moment when she first moved in after she came out of treatment...when she had left Santana at rehab. She was crying in my lap about her wife ignoring her calls and well, I got my signals crossed."_

She sat forward, her elbows resting on her knees and nodded. _"And?"_

_"I kissed her."_

_"And?"_

_"That was it, she pushed me off and told me that what we had was done. She told me that once the baby was born, she'd be gone. That she should be home with her wife anyway."_

_"Why are you just now telling me this?"_

_"It served no purpose to tell you."_

_"Yeah, you need to go close up work stuff...serves no purpose? I'm your fucking wife, Francis. We are heading home as soon as Axel is cleared by the doctors. The best thing for all of us is if you and Brittany are far away from each other...your impulses are out of control, Francis."_

_"I know."_

_"Do you need me to go to the theater with you?"_

_"No...we won't be alone together."_

_"Make sure of that. Got it?"_

_"I don't like when you talk to me like this, Sio."_

_"Well I don't like when you let your free spirit get you in trouble. How many times have I had to scrape you off the floor when you inevitably fall into a depression over whoever you're with? When we agreed to have an open relationship, we agreed, no people from your past. No babies and no second times and what else?"_

_"No Brittany."_

_"I can't live like this anymore, Frankie. It was one thing when we weren't parents but now we have Axel and he needs us to be stable. Neither one of us grew up with a stable home. Don't you want that for our son?"_

_"I do."_ I said, wiping at my tears as she stood there, looking at me pitifully. I hated seeing her like this.

_"Then act like it. I can't be in an open marriage anymore. As soon as he is able, I'm taking him back home...I'll let you figure your shit out but know that I won't wait forever. If I have to be his only stability, I will be. I don't want to play games. Got it?"_

_"I'll do anything baby."_

_"Right now, I just want you to go get some air but when you get back, I need you to have decided where we go from here."_

_"I don't have to go, I can stay and talk this out."_ I was full on sobbing.

My makeup was probably shit now but I didn't care.

All that mattered was not being alone anymore.

I was an orphan, she and Axel were all the family that I had...I couldn't do this alone.

She was worth more than all the Brittany's and celebrity hookups in the world.

My wife was my world.

_"Go. I need to not look at you for a while."_

The sting of her words, had me leaving without fixing my makeup.

I knew that tone and that look.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

When I entered the small Catholic Church at the end of the block, I felt my nerves slip away.

No matter what church it was...it always, always calmed me.

I walked up to the altar and knelt.

This had to be quick, I just needed to meditate on things.

I lit the first candle and then said a prayer for Moncho, who had tried to save my life again and the pain had led him back to a painkiller that was going to kill him one of these days.

He had shown up looking a complete wreck, it was the worst that I had ever seen him. It hurt me to see him so broken, my Tia was probably turning in her grave at the sight of him constantly throwing away all the good in his life.

Like his family and his ex-wife.

His daughter...once Ana knew he was back on coke, she would stop all these visitations he had been having with Daniela, I just knew it.

Something had set him back on this path, it had to be more than the pain of the marrow transplant...it had to be bigger than that but he wouldn't say. He was too far gone last night.

I shivered when I thought of just how bad it had gotten.

But I couldn't linger...I was on a time crunch.

After lighting the candle for Moncho, I moved to light another for Anita and her family because they really needed it.

Anita had been through hell and back, some of it because of Marco and some of it because of her own stubbornness.

Last, I prayed that God's will be done.

I couldn't be selfish and wish for something that was already predestined.

There was no need to harp over it. If it was meant to be then I would go in there and kill it.

I took a few calming breaths and then tried to stand to my feet but I felt a pressure on my shoulders.

I wasn't done yet.

_"Lord, just be with me...please? I'm scared, so scared about what this might be and now that my parents aren't acknowledging me...I don't want to be alone. If I have to go through this please just don't let me be alone. I put this completely in your hands. Gracias, Papa Dios. Amen."_

The moment that I was finally on my feet, I pushed my emotions and slight joint pain to the back of my mind and pushed myself to suck up what I was feeling.

I didn't have time to be sick.

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

Brittany's office was the closest to the entrance, straight down a flight of stairs and half a theater away from Frank and August. I didn't see her car outside, so I thought it was safe to just head straight downstairs to fix my makeup.

When I pushed open the door, there was Santana, breastfeeding the baby and staring at her phone.

 _"Shit...I didn't know anyone was in here."_ I said, going to pull the door closed.

 _"C-Come in."_ She said, looking me over. _"Y-you okay?"_

_"Yeah, I just needed a bathroom away from the bosses...do you mind?"_

_"B is upstairs with them...go ahead."_ She said before adjusting her shirt and going back to her phone.

I walked past her and shut the bathroom door behind me.

My hair was a little wild from the wind and my mascara had run dark tracks down my cheeks.

It was obvious that I had been crying.

 _"Get a grip."_ I whispered to myself as I used Britt's makeup wipes to clean my face. Today was just going to have to be a clear face day.

My hormones were so heightened that I knew, these would not be my only tears.

Once my face looked clear, just blotchy...I pinned my hair up and straightened up my clothes.

The door swung open and there stood Britt.

She looked flustered.

 _"Ana said you came in here crying. What's wrong?"_ She shut the door behind her, leaving us alone.

The one thing I had promised Siobhan and it was already a broken promise.

 _"Open the door...please."_ I squeaked.

_"Not until you tell me what's wrong...I am sorry that I bugged you, you didn't need to be here. You can go home if it's too soon to be away from Axel."_

_"Stop being so fucking nice, just open the door. My wife doesn't want me alone with you."_

_"Why?"_ Ana's voice came from the door which I didn't realize had been opened a crack.

Britt seemed just as confused as her wife.

_"Yeah, Frankie...why not? Was my calling that bad?"_

_"I told her that we kissed a few weeks ago."_

Santana's eyebrow raised as she looked at Brittany and then she pushed the door open all the way.

_"Th-that's a good reason."_

_"You told her that I pushed you off...right?"_

_"That's good for you, Britt but not so good for me. She's threatening to leave me and I deserve her being pissed...you know Axel...we didn't plan him. I messed up and she stood by me."_

_"Wow...uh...B...y-you sh-should talk later. Ari is h-here."_ There was a growl in Santana's voice, like she and Britt were suddenly not in a good spot either. The last thing I wanted to do was interfere in their lives again.

I had sworn to never do that...but here I was, fucking things up again.

Siobhan was right.

My impulses always got me in trouble.

Why couldn't I just lie?

It would be much easier.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_**Good luck, I'm here to cheer you on!-Anita** _

_**You just made my day!-Ari** _

_**Good. Kick ass up there!-Anita** _

I was pumped as I walked into the theater. I had my big brother by my side and Ana cheering me on, that was all the support that I needed and I knew that God was answering my prayer.

With them there, I knew that I wouldn't be alone in this.

No matter what _this_ was.

Carlos kept shooting me looks of concern but I was ignoring him. I knew what this could be but I couldn't think about it. When I stood near the entrance to the back of the stage, I stopped and looked up at him.

 _"Look Lito, I know what you are thinking. I'm thinking it too, maybe the marrow didn't take and maybe I should have listened to the doctors when they suggested a month in the hospital after but I'd just gone through the shooting. The last thing I wanted was to be confined to a bed...staying with Moncho helped me...I guess it helped him too, since he fell off the wagon once I moved back into the dorms...anyway once this audition is over...you can personally take me to the closest hospital. Just...please...please, just let me do this."_ I was pleading with him because he looked like he was ready to throw me over his shoulder. _"Please, hermano?"_

Carlos looked at me up and down a few times and then handed my heavy dance bag to me. He sighed as he ruffled my short hair.

_"Promise me that you are strong enough to do this and I will back off until it's over."_

I looked up at him and smiled really big.

 _"I promise. I feel fine right now...seriously."_ He raised an eyebrow and examined me from head to foot once more before giving in.

_"Fine. I will be right in the front row. Once this is over we are going to see a doctor."_

_"Okay."_

_"Break a leg."_

_"Thanks!"_

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

I had left Britt's office in a rush, not looking back at the tension that I had left behind. Instead I went up to the theater, put on my best smile and acted like the upbeat person that I had perfected being for other people.

Being a boss ass bitch, required a level of acting that I had perfected with everyone but Brittany and Siobhan...and here lately, Santana.

Frank and August were excited that I had made it and pulled up a fifth chair to the table in the center for me.

As I sat down, left of center, next to Britt's seat...I missed my studio back in LA more than I had in all the time that I had been in New York. Siobhan was right, if this audition went well, I will have fulfilled my promise to Britt and to August. The show would be cast and I could go home.

Right now, that was my focus, getting out of here in one piece.

Seeing Britt come storming towards the table, without the penchant for acting like everything was fine, that I did, I knew that she was teetering on fury. Then I saw Santana, head up to the stage with the baby tucked in her arm...her face tight.

They had words, that was clear.

And it was my fault.

Fuck, I just wanted to go home.

Be with Axel.

Be with Siobhan.

Be away from all of this.

Emotions swept me and I stilled my face, I couldn't cry...not in front of Tony and Frank...they would not respect me. August knew me and seemed to be carrying on an unnecessary conversation with Frank and Tony out of nowhere.

He'd seen the beginning of my tears.

Once I had fixed my face, suddenly, they were taking their seats as we waited for Brittany who standing at the bottom of the stage...probably waiting for Santana to come back.

She looked both hurt and angry, which was always a terrible combination.

That was usually when she got violent.

At least...when she was off her pills.

I had no idea what medicated anger looked like on her but I was pretty sure, I was about to find out.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I took deep cleansing breaths and began to stretch out my body, while trying to push past the extreme fatigue and the soreness in my body. It had been like this for a week now, I had chalked it up to the healing process but today after a night of zero sleep, it was more painful. I was on the verge of tears when I heard the stage door open behind me. I discreetly wiped my face before standing up and turning around.

I was face to face with Anita who was holding her new baby in her arms. She strutted towards me looking every bit as sassy as she had always been. She had a small smile on her face but a bit of concern in her eyes. She looked me up and down just like Carlos had done and I knew immediately that they had run into one another.

But she didn't say anything about it.

Instead she examined me a minute longer and then plastered on a smile.

 _"Are you re-ready, Arita?"_ she finally said as she looked me in the eyes.

_"You bet I am."_

_"B let me co-come back here while everyone gets sit-situated. I wanted to see you first. Lito s-says you f-forgot your music. Y-you gonna be okay?"_

_"I guess that I'll just sing it acapella."_

_"Wh-What song are you gonna sing?"_

_"No Greater Love."_

_"Amy? My fave!"_ she said giddily. I didn't want to burst her bubble but Amy Winehouse's version wasn't what I had been referring to. I shook my head and shoved my hands into my pockets.

 _"Same song...except it's the original by Billie Holiday!"_ I chuckled and pushed at her shoulder lightly.

She looked embarrassed and nodded her head. She loved music and she knew what that song was but as quickly as she had flushed she smiled again with confidence.

_"I kn-know the song...I could a-accompany you on the piano?"_

_"Really?"_ I couldn't believe that she was willing to do that for me.

_"Yes. B, wo-won't mind."_

_"Thank you so much!"_ I lightly hugged her and then leaned in and kissed her little blonde headed mini-me.

 _"Be easy...okay? You're gonna do gr-great. Break a leg, an arm...a f-finger! Shit break your neck. How is this good luck?"_ she shrugged nervously and then leaned in and kissed my lips softly. _"F-For luck."_

Before I could respond she promptly turned around and walked out off the stage...she knew how serious I was about this adultery thing, but apparently right in this moment she didn't care.

I stood there feeling an insane rush of energy overtake me.

The lights flickered, signaling that the curtains would soon rise.

I dropped my head and closed my eyes.

Deep cleansing breaths.

Forget the pain.

Forget the struggle.

Remember the kiss.

I smiled to myself when I heard the sound of the curtains rising.

A bright light illuminated my body.

I was ready.

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

Once Santana was seated in the front and she had a stare off with Britt for a split second, I watched Britt try to compose herself before come to sit next to me.

 _"I'm sorry."_ I whispered to her but she held up her hand to me and turned to Tony on her right. She mumbled something to him and he hit a button that made the lights flicker.

This was her game face.

She was not about to have this conversation with so much on the line.

We were probably through, now that I had stuck my foot in shit and then stormed around in her happiness.

I hadn't really ever been on Britt's bad side.

But I guess there's a time for firsts in every relationship.

 _"Cue lights."_ Britt said into the mic. Then she glanced at me, covering it up before putting her lips next to my ear. _"Don't you EVER try something dumb like that again. I didn't even kiss you but she's acting like we had sex. Maybe stop being the slut you always claimed I was. Let's get this over with so you can leave us alone."_

I was taken aback.

 _"You don't mean that?"_ I said maybe a little louder than I should have.

I felt eyes on me and glanced to the front and saw Santana glancing back with murder in her eyes.

_"I took advantage of me and then tried to be the victim."_

_"Does she know what happened in the car."_ I whispered back harshly and she went pale and looked towards Santana and then the stage before looking at me again.

 _"Stop starting shit because you're unhappy."_ She growled and then turned away from me, her face like stone. _"Curtains."_ She said into the mic, as dopey and bubbly as ever...maybe she did know how to play a role.

I guess this was medicated Brittany, just as stubborn as before but less violent.

So far.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I looked out into the audience and saw Brittany sitting in the center of the auditorium at a long table, flanked by her two bosses plus Frankie and Tony. She looked more nervous than I felt. I knew that she held a huge stake in this audition.

I looked straight at her allowing my smile to drop to a smirk when I recognized the seriousness that surrounded her. I swallowed my extra saliva and held my chin high. I badly wanted to look down to the front row where I knew Carlos and Anita were sitting but I allowed the remnants of her lip gloss that coated my lips to be enough.

I could do this.

A man's voice was crisp and clear as he spoke into the microphone.

He was the man that had auditioned Brittany.

_"Please state your full name."_

_"Ariana Sofia Soto-Marquez."_ I said as clearly into the microphone as possible.

_"Age, occupation and dance experience."_

I looked at him and nodded as I smiled my nerves away.

_"I am 18 years old and I am currently a dance and fine arts major at New York University. I earned a Nikola Devedova Full Scholarship as an incoming freshman and I have been dancing since I was five."_

I watched his eyebrows raise in shock.

It was rare for someone that wasn't an upperclassmen to earn that scholarship. It was one of my crowning achievements and hopefully it would sway him into understanding just how important dance was to me.

Brittany's two bosses were scribbling furiously after I had mentioned the scholarship.

I hoped that was a good thing.

_"So what is your favorite genre to dance to?"_

_"I like to dance to everything. I just allow the music to take me to a place within myself and just allow my body to feel the music."_

_"That's a good method."_ her other boss then asked. _"Would you be ready to give up such a great accomplishment to fully commit to this show?"_

_"Yes sir."_

He looked over at Brittany and whispered something, I waited patiently as they talked for a few seconds. Brittany didn't take her eyes off of me, even for a second, as she quietly whispered back.

After they sat back up and looked at me, Brittany clicked a switch and tapped the mic in front of her.

_"From here on out Ariana, the process has begun. Anything that you do or say will be taken into full consideration. This is a play about heart and spirit amid life struggles, so when you dance I want you to reflect that as best as you can...no matter how formal the genre of music. Understand?"_

I swallowed my nervous laughter that was coming and nodded firmly.

_"Yes ma'am."_

It felt so weird to be so serious and formal with Brittany, especially since I held her as she cried more than once.

I had seen her at her lowest point on more than one occasion but this was business, something that we both took very seriously. She nodded at me and then waved me back to center stage. I looked at her once more and smiled before backing up with the moving spotlight.

* * *

The music bumped through the speakers and immediately my mind shut off and I let the music move me just like always.

This was my element.

As a kid I always wanted to be the best at everything and so I would learn it to the max and then add new things to what I learned.

This I moved with the genres like I had been practicing for years.

Rap, Hip-Hop, Tango, Country, the Elmo song, Classical and at the end of it Club and Crunk.

My soreness was gone for the moment.

I was completely blocking it out or it had gone away, either way I was in the swing of the audition and I just needed to feel what I was doing and nothing else.

I forgot about Moncho.

I forgot about anyone watching me.

I forgot about my parents.

And I fucking forgot about Cancer.

It was me, the music, and the tingle on my lips.

When the music stopped, I found myself back at center stage, on my knees sweating, not really knowing how I got there.

I had been completely in a trance.

Hopefully I didn't screw it up.

Once I realized the dance portion was over I stood to my feet and looked towards the audience.

I had to squint to see anyone at all since the lights were off.

The spotlight was all that I could see.

I stepped up to the microphone and squinted again. I hadn't expected to be met with silence when I had finished dancing. I shielded my eyes from the light and could see Britt was hunched over in a serious discussion with her bosses.

I was suddenly very nervous.

I stood ramrod straight and just waited for them to finish.

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

_"Why did you waste the last month of our lives when you had this girl right under your nose? Were you trying to add dramatics?"_ Frank growled at Brittany, her leg shook under the table and I knew she was close to snapping, so I did what I had to do.

What I shouldn't have done.

I put my hand on her thigh and she got stiff as a board but she didn't make moves to push me off.

She needed to play nice because Frank already kind of hated her.

He wanted just Tony as choreographer from the start but August LOVED Brittany and he was the money.

Nobody crossed August, not even Frank.

_"She had personal reasons that kept her from performing."_

_"What does that mean?"_ Frank said.

August put his hand on Frank's arm.

_"She's a talent and she's here...why does it matter how long it took?"_

_"I get that, I just would like for once if Brittany didn't bring the extra theatrics to every moment of her employment."_

_"I'm sorry."_ She bristled. That seemed to calm Frank but Britt was on edge.

I went to move my hand as she turned her face to the stage but she grabbed my wrist and kept me right where I was.

As pissed as she was, she needed someone to ground her and I was that person,.

I had put her in this foul mood and she was leaning on me to keep her from flying off the handle.

Screw the consequences.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

It seemed like an eternity went by before Britt cleared her throat and looked up at me. She smiled slightly before a mask of coldness slipped on her face. She had definitely learned some things from Anita.

_"Do you have a song prepared?"_

_"Yes but I'll be singing acapella...is that alright?"_

I didn't want to have to ask for Anita's help unless I absolutely needed it because I was convinced I could do this song without music. What I didn't know was how much Brittany's bosses frowned against that.

Brittany's eyebrows raised up and she looked panicked. She looked away from me and shot Tony a look, he was looking at her in the same way. He mouthed something, nodded and Brittany looked back at me.

She seemed a little desperate.

_"Ariana, did you not bring any music with you as I instructed you to do?"_

I dropped my head in submission.

I looked up at her and then straight to the down to the front row where Anita was sitting. She smiled at me.

_"I just need my piano player if acapella is too risky?"_

Britt nodded and looked around for this invisible piano player.

I let out a deep sigh and then looked down at Anita again. I didn't have to wait for a rejection after I basically rejected her.

Anita quickly stood up and walked down the aisle towards Britt. She was strutting even though she was in sneakers. She was trying to cheer up her wife but it didn't seem like it was working. Anita leaned down, kissed her wife on the lips and then handed the baby to her.

Britt looked at her in shock but still took the baby.

Once she was holding the baby, Brittany's face calmed and so did everyone else who was sitting on the panel.

Anita looked up at me and gave me two thumbs up as she sat down at the piano in the pit below the stage.

She had effectively fixed whatever rift I had created between Britt and her bosses.

Thank God!

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

Neither of us were really paying attention to Santana until she was at the table with the baby.

She saw where my hand was and she gave me a glare before kissing her wife for the world to see. Then she handed off the baby and gave me another look before heading down to the orchestra pit.

I moved my hand now that Britt seemed to have the best kind of stress relief.

From the looks of it, I had given Santana more ammo.

Shit wouldn't be the same after today, that was plain.

No good deed goes unpunished.

I should have stayed home in bed with my baby.

But then I would have missed, arguably the best audition that I had ever seen.

Santana was staring at the stage and Ari's eyes twinkled with that kind of love that I felt for Brittany.

And here Britt was giving her a shot.

That was just the kind of awesome that she was but Santana wasn't so generous.

Brittany was hers.

I had made a promise to her once upon a time and she seemed to be reminding me of that fact.

But why did it matter when she was hypocrite.

I hadn't had sex with Brittany in over a year but she and Ari...well they had been fucking practically in Britt's face.

How dare Britt, call me the slut...when she was married to one?

Wasn't that really on her for having a type?

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I took a deep breath and then looked down at Anita and nodded. She winked and then cleared her throat before playing the prettiest and most important song that I knew.

I let the music go for a few seconds and then began to belt out a song that meant the world to me. It had been my Tia Sophie, Moncho's mom's favorite song.

I closed my eyes and felt the emotion behind the words as the tears burned the rims of my eyes. I could feel my older brother watching me from the front row. I knew that Lito still remembered the day that she died and after the fight last night, I was sure that just like me, he was reliving the moment that Moncho turned to darkness.

We had been called to the hospital late one night to say goodbye. Tia Sophie has been fading rapidly but when we got there she didn't look any sicker than usual. She was all smiles as she sat in her hospital bed with Marco sitting in her lap. He was too big to sit in her lap at the time but he didn't care what it looked like. He was his mom's little angel and my favorite cousin.

Marco was always sweet and kind and shared his books with me. He had offered his bone marrow to me when I needed it later on even though he was on his way to becoming a convict. We had a special bond between us for years after he lost his mother, up until his dad died and he took the only girl I loved away.

He snuggled against Tia's chest and allowed her to hold him close to her.

She was humming the same song over and over again to him.

Family was everything to us and to her.

Her son though, Marco was her life!

She kissed Marco's head several times and then closed her eyes. She was taking deep, sharp breaths, it was becoming harder to breathe but she still managed to sing her song in her raspy, accented voice.

I knew only a fraction of her pain, she had three different cancers all converging on her. She had moved into a terminal status. After the song she slept and never opened her eyes again.

Marco had been right by her side when she died a few hours later.

The scream that broke from Marco was almost feral. He walked out of that room with a dark cloud looming over him, one that he has never been quite able to shake.

Things changed in my household too.

Sophie was my mother's baby sister and losing her broke something in my mom.

She still hasn't recovered over ten years later.

I was banned from playing No Greater Love for years after that but once I got an iPod it was my go to song when I was sad. It had been the song that I was listening to when Marco broke into my dorm the night before. It had stopped him in his tracks long enough for me to wake up Carlos.

Marco was sobbing the whole time that he fought my brother and even in the cop car, I could see his whole body rocking from the force of his cries.

In that moment, he was a kid again, watching his mom fade away.

My heart ached for him.

Like it or not, his blood coursed through my veins and I was connected to his pain, his struggle.

Maybe more than anyone else.

I knew how evil he had become but I also knew the little boy that saved my life.

Jekyll and Hyde.

I belted out the last note with every bit of emotion that I had when it came to the woman I was named for. My first dance partner and my godmother.

Tia Sophie.

I kept my eyes closed as I wiped the tears from my face.

Ugh...I had allowed the emotions to overcome me on one of the most important auditions of my life.

I was disappointed in myself.

Britt looked over at her boss and then at Tony. She kept running her free hand through her hair as she held the baby in her arms. She still looked a little flustered but something in her eyes was different. Hopefully, it was good different.

I looked down and saw Anita looking up at me with tears in her eyes.

She looked at me mesmerized...as if she was seeing something that blew her mind.

Then she smiled that smile that I always believed was reserved just for me.

I heard someone clear their throat and my head snapped up.

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

I was in awe.

She not only looked like but she also sang like a fucking angel.

How could anyone not LOVE her?

 _"Wow."_ I said Britt and she nodded, wiping at her eyes before leaning down and kissing the baby.

 _"She's as good as Ana."_ She whispered. _"They're like two halves to a whole."_

_"How do you compete with that?"_

_She gave me a look and simply said, "I don't try. It is what it is."_

_"Mind if I speak first?"_ August said to Brittany and she grinned at him.

 _"You all should speak first, then I'll go. Give it to her straight, okay. No favors."_ She said, happy but serious at the same time.

Seeing her in control was hot.

But her message to me was clear.

There's no competing for me, no matter what. Santana is it for her. I had to get that through my thick skull, once and for all.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

_"Ms. Soto, it has been an absolute pleasure to watch you perform today."_ That was one of the head bosses. I nodded a thanks and licked my dry lips. I needed water badly.

 _"I have to be honest with you Ms. Soto, when Brittany insisted on this audition...I thought it would be some Idina Menzel wannabe. I was skeptical about it, about you but then I saw you give all of your heart up there with dancing and singing. That song held so much emotion, Billie Holiday isn't the easiest to emulate but you were flawless and I have to just say that I really hope that Brittany and Tony decide to work with you. I know that you will go far, no matter what career path you choose. You were amazing!"_ the other boss said.

Tony and Brittany looked over at him a little wide eyed. This must have been something out of character for him. That definitely made me happy. I thanked him and wiped the remaining tears from my face.

When did I become so damned emotional? Ugh!

I nodded and said a brief thank you again before looking at the rest of the table. Brittany leaned forward, turned towards the other end of the table and nodded towards Frankie.

_"Ari...my God...if Brittany and Tony don't hire you I will. That was amazing! I can see why you earned such a prestigious scholarship. I know a lot of dancers that applied for that...and they were damn good...I can see now why they didn't get it. Your heart shows in your dancing and your singing. I'm glad I was here to witness it, I would definitely pay to see you do that all day long!"_

I smiled and then looked at Tony because it was apparent that Britt would go last since she had the final say.

_"Thank you so much for giving your all, it was great seeing what you can do."_

He didn't say anything more, instead he looked over to Brittany. I resisted the urge to bite my lips when I looked down at Anita, who was anxiously looking at her wife. I met Britt's eyes and she smiled really huge and clapped her hands together.

_"Ariana Soto, It's my pleasure to offer you the part of Carla Graciela, you can take your time deciding...if you would like, this is a huge undertaking and will require you to take another leave of absence from your studies. Take the rest of the weekend to decide. No matter the decision please come see me by six am Monday morning in my office. Thank you for coming!"_

They all abruptly stood from the table and headed towards an office in the back before I had a chance to say anything. Britt was cradling her daughter and walking with measured steps.

I was shocked that they were so welcoming and dismissive all at once but I could respect it.

The stage went dark and then the lights came up over the seats. I collapsed to my knees and cried into my hands.

I was so overcome with emotions.

It was indescribable almost inconceivable that this was my reaction.

It surprised even me.

I didn't mean to be so openly emotional but nothing mattered more than me thanking God in that moment. I was in the center of the stage, kneeling prostrate on the warm floor. My tears soaked the ground and my body was shaking but I just kept repeating the same thing over and over again.

 _"Thank you Jesus, Gracias Senor. You are so worthy, Thank you God!"_ it was mumbled and chant like. It probably just sounded like sobbing to other people but I knew and God knew what I was saying.

After a few minutes, I was just sobbing, no words were being uttered.

My throat was raw as I was wrapped in a strong embrace and was enveloped in her scent.

Anita began mumbling her own prayers against my ear as she held me firmly against her body. My face was hot as it pressed against the coolness of her neck. It took me a moment to realize that she was praying about the cancer, about my health and piece of mind. When I realized what her words were I cried harder and leaned harder into her letting her prayers surround me.

* * *

**Frankie's POV**

* * *

_"Are you sure that you don't want to stay on longer?"_ Frank asked, looking a little panicked that I was saying my goodbyes.

I glanced over at Santana and Brittany having a hushed conversation in the hallway, then looked back at Frank and August. _"I'm positive. Brittany is good at her job. She made up 90% of your dances and they are well timed and entirely unique. You need her."_

 _"That's what I keep telling him."_ August said.

 _"I know, okay...you have to agree with me though. She has brought a lot of unneeded drama to the show."_ Frank added.

_"Be that as it may, she has been loyal and consistent when it comes to dancing. Give her a break, Frank."_

_"Fine. When I come back from Ibiza, I hope to see nothing extra just her training the hell out of these dancers. You tell her that before you leave and promise me that if need be, you'll come back to give us a review of the show?"_

_"I promise."_

_"Good. Now me and Auggie here have a lunch reservation, make sure this place is locked up before you leave."_ Frank said to Tony who had been standing by silently.

_"Got it boss."_

I left with Frank and August, knowing that anything I needed to say to Brittany wasn't happening today...or maybe in the next few days.

My time here had solidified some things for me.

There was only one place I wanted to be, anywhere Siobhan and Axel were.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I don't know how long exactly it was before the tears dried up but finally I sniffed and stood up. I didn't want it to seem like I was ungrateful. I looked at my best friend and she smiled.

Anita's whole face was swollen from her tears but she wasn't paying them any mind as she brushed the wetness from my face. She was putting me first. It felt good to be cared for by her. She felt like home.

 _"Feel better?"_ she asked as she tried to discreetly wipe her own face.

 _"Almost."_ I said as I looked around the dark auditorium. We were all alone.

As if she read my thoughts she stepped closer to me and rested her palms against my cheeks. Her hands were cool against my red swollen flesh. She leaned in and pressed her lips against mine in a sweet kiss, once more, but pulled back before I could kiss her back.

 _"I'm so pr-proud of you Ari!"_ she rested her forehead against mine and kissed me one last time before pulling back from me. _"I love you!"_ she said happily as she wiped my last stray tear from my face.

 _"I love you. Thank you for doing that...kissing me. Calming me down."_ I smirked. I needed her to know that I was delusional...that I knew that it was only an act of comfort in friendship and not a declaration of all out love and dedication. I got it. She smiled and then pulled me into a hug.

 _"You're amazing."_ she said before stepping back and pushing the hair from her face.

 _"Yea...well...I guess."_ I mumbled as a blush crept over my face. She punched my shoulder lightly and then grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes.

_"B and Lito are w-waiting. We are going to take you to the ho-hospital."_

_"No."_ I said suddenly as I pulled my hand from hers.

She looked at me in understanding and then turned and began to walk off the stage.

I knew she was ignoring my tantrum.

* * *

I stood there for a second but then I saw she had my bag slung over her shoulder. She looked back at me and smirked.

_"You don't have a ch-choice in this. I am your family."_

_"I just...I don't want to go to the hospital right now."_ I whined as I stood a few feet from her.

She huffed and dropped my bag with a loud thud to the ground before storming over to me and placing her palms on my face again. She searched my eyes and then dropped her hands.

 _"Talk to me Ari."_ she said as she held my hands in hers. I closed my eyes and threw my head back in frustration before looking at her again.

_"Why did this have to happen right now? It just doesn't make sense, the transplant should be making me better."_

She looked at me with a serious but comforting expression on her face. The tears were beginning to pool in my eyes again as I looked at her. Waiting for some words of wisdom.

_"I really don't know. We can't fo-focus on that. This sucks but we will get th-through it. I'm here."_

_"I know b_ _ut if it's the canc-"_ she glared at me.

 _"Let's not get ahead of ourselves just yet, Ari."_ she smiled.

 _"I know what this is, Santana. I'm a fucking pro at this cancer thing...and this...is what it feels like every time!"_ I snapped at her and she just sucked in a breath and nodded. Her tears came fast and thick but she wasn't pretending to wipe it away.

 _"Look..."_ she said with a fierce look of determination. _"IF it is the cancer we will get th-through this with or without your fucking parents! Wh-Whatever you need, I am here. I will pay for everything if you need me to. I don't care what it costs. Do you understand?"_

 _"Anita...you don'-"_ she cut me off and stepped back, angrily wiping the tears from her eyes.

 _"No...listen to me, I am back in your life and I can't lose you. You are...you're my family. My soul mate...I can't lose you!"_ she said before turning her back to me and weeping silently with her arms wrapped tightly around herself.

I hesitated before slowly wrapping my arms around her and pulling her against me. I rested my head on her shoulder. We had talked about this soulmate thing. She had found all this information on souls that were tied together and figured out that me and Quinn were tied to her for eternity. We were her missing pieces and Brittany was her intended. It was all strange to me but I never fought her on it.

I sighed against her and kissed her neck. She shivered and leaned into me more.

_"I know that you're scared Anita...I'm scared too but...but you're right. We can fight this and beat it. Nothing is stopping me from being a leading lady on Broadway...not even cancer."_

I let them take me to the hospital after that despite my qualms about it. There was no time to celebrate. Anita kept promising that I would enjoy it more if I knew what was going on with me.

She was wrong...not knowing was easier than the wait, even with her trying to convince them to move faster, we were still told to go out and eat and come back.

All throughout my celebration lunch, I was nauseous.

Anita held my hand the entire time and even with her holding my hand, I couldn't help but be anxious.

Even with people by my side...this was something that I would end up dealing with on my own.


	35. OK Not to Be OK (Marshmello & Demi Lovato)

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Sitting in that room with Ari, a girl who I had been in love with since forever, and watching her receive the news that her body had rejected Marco's bone marrow and she needed to go back on chemo, is probably something I'll never forget.

We had been talking about her previous night, about how Marco fell off the wagon and showed up high. How he was in trouble and she worried that I was wrapped up in things. She asked me if I wanted to go to a meeting with her tonight since Marco obviously wouldn't be showing up to go with me.

All while she sat waiting to hear news that would alter her future plans yet again.

She just kept talking, kept wondering about what I wanted and needed.

All while I watched her fidget and try to ignore the albatross hovering over her shoulder.

The doctor came in and Ari immediately held my hand in a death grip.

 _"Breathe."_ I said to her and she shook her head.

_"Can't."_

The doctor sat down and Ari immediately began to cry...doctors rarely ever sat when it was good news and if anyone knew that, it was her.

_"Ariana, Marco Vega was always a near perfect match but never exact. Over time his cells have morphed, probably due to heavy drug use. You are still in Stage 2 and we would like to keep you there. So you will go back on the registry and talk to your family and friends about being tested. In the meantime, it would be good to get you started with a round of chemo."_

_"Inpatient or outpatient?"_

_"In."_

_"Can I think about it?"_

_"Well, yes, of course...I wouldn't hesitate though."_

He left us and then she looked at me.

 _"This is six."_ She said. _"Why won't God just take me? It's like he dangles me close to death and then snatches me back. Do you know how hard it is to remain hopeful?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Of course you do, shit you were dying for like four months there."_

_"Kinda."_

She smirked.

 _"Aren't we a pair, star crossed soulmates who just can't seem to die. That should be on Broadway...better than the 1500 remakes of Romeo and Juliet."_ She was going on a tangent and I would normally let her but my heart ached.

The stress of this day was making me fiend for drugs and then knowing about Marco...I just needed to shake it out and dance.

_"What are y-you gonna do?"_

_"I am this close to my dream so I'm going to fight like never before because I finally have something to lose."_

_"Good."_

_"But I need something from you."_

_"Name it."_

_"Get Brittany to hold my spot...and you...should stay away. Just for now...I'll call if I need you."_

_"Promise you'll c-call."_

_"I swear on a stack of Bibles."_

_"Good."_

_"I love you, Anita."_

_"I love you too."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Ari had insisted on going into the doctor's office with just Ana, I tried not to feel some type of way about it but I did. Carlos, the brother that looked like Marco, sat beside me awkwardly.

Then he sighed and started fiddling with his phone. I had heard him and Ari whispering about Moncho, who I knew as Marco, something had gone down and as much as I hated it...whenever something went down with him it would cause ripple effects that often took down my wife.

She was just starting to get better and I didn't want anything to get in the way. Good or bad, better or worse, she mattered most to me in this world and I would protect her.

_"Tell me what happened with Marco and if I need to be ready for something to come down on Ana."_

He turned towards me and I could see the darkness on the side of his face, like he'd been punched. Everything was so busy before that I hadn't noticed.

_"You know that my sister was staying with him after the shooting and the transplant...right?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Well, he came home a few days ago, drunk as a skunk talking about hit jobs and how it wasn't safe for her to be there with him anymore. My sister has never really hesitated, she knows when to leave. So she went back to her dorm and called me. I am...well placed in the government. I used to be a Navy Seal. She asked me to come stay with her while she got used to being back in her dorm."_

_"Okay...so what happened?"_

_"Last night right after you called, she started getting ready for today. She was playing that song she sang earlier when he tried to break in to her dorm and hide. He was high as a kite, still had coke on his lip. He heard the song and started crying but he never said what he did. He just said there was a warrant and a hit man, he wasn't sure which was coming but he needed to hide."_

_"He's a total psycho and that's coming from me."_ I said, laughing without being amused. I looked down at Dani who was quietly sucking on her bottle, grunting like usual. Her presence kept me calmer on the outside than I felt on the inside.

_"I tried to kick him out and we got in a fight, someone called the cops and since he had the warrant, they arrested him and issued me a citation. He didn't mention Ana at all but with him, you never know."_

I hated the sound of that.

The door opened and out came my wife with vacant, bloodshot eyes.

 _"It's back."_ She said to me and Carlos. _"You sh-should go in."_ She said to Carlos and he immediately got up, squared his shoulders and went into the room.

Ana came to stand in front of me, looking like she needed to be tethered. Her face looked sunken and pale as she began to chomp on her fingernail.

_"Talk to me."_

_"I just w-wanna go home, B."_

_"Say less, baby. I got you."_ I said, standing and pulling her against me. She looked up at me with watery eyes and tried to smile but I shook my head.

_"You never have to pretend for me. I know you are holding back a lot and you won't break in front of all these people but when we get home, you can break all you need to and if you need peace or to be alone, I'll make that happen too. Whatever you need, I've got."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I could tell that Britt was trying hard to coddle me and make me feel better about today. I mean first we had that thing where Frankie had tried to kiss her and even though I trusted B, it made me annoyed that Frankie couldn't fix her face at home and not bring up shit that meant nothing.

Britt hadn't kissed her back and from what I could tell, was pissed it had even come up.

The hand on the leg thing, I couldn't explain and you know what, after me doing some questionable things...especially when it came to the me, Ari, Britt triangle, I wasn't going to bring it back up unless she did.

Despite the sad news about Ari, we were good and I was going to do my best to keep it that way.

Which is why, even though I didn't want to eat, I put my hand on her thigh as we sat in the car.

_"Hold on."_

I took out my phone and texted my sister.

_**Need a favor-Ana** _

_**What's up?-Ceily** _

_**Really need some alone time with, B.-Ana** _

_**How long?-Ceily** _

_**Can we drop off the baby for a little and I could maybe borrow the keys to your gallery?-Ana** _

_**That's a big favor.-Ceily** _

_**Please?-Ana** _

_**On one condition, you stop by my place and grab me a change of clothes and my toothbrush?-Ceily** _

_**You got it, so you'll take her? She's asleep for at least three hours.-Ana** _

_**Izzy has been asking for you.-Ceily** _

_**Been neglecting him, I'll switch them. You take baby, I'll take Isaac?-Ana** _

_**Deal!-Ceily** _

_"What's going on over there?"_ B asked, her smile strained.

Poor thing.

I handed her my phone while I buckled myself in.

She handed the phone back and then pulled out of the garage with a smirk on her face.

 _"Excited?"_ I asked

_"Definitely."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Izzy was babbling excitedly as we got on the train towards Brooklyn. Ana insisted that we not sit in traffic when we could just get on and off the train whenever we wanted. She was a little too excited about not needing her cane obviously.

We claimed a seat near a window and Isaac kept clapping and talking to us with broken words and excited little shrieks.

Then it happened, the thing I had always seen in movies but not really in person...not like this.

A group of girls entered the car popping and locking their bodies as they rested a boombox on the floor.

It was very old school looking and I was dancing in my seat as they went...until one of them caught my eye.

 _"Come dance, Mama."_ She said, her accent thick and I glanced at Ana, she grinned.

 _"Go, Mama."_ She said and then Izzy clapped.

 _"GO!"_ He shouted and then I was up, dancing right along with the girls.

I kept watching my wife and could see the heat in her eyes that was always there when I danced.

By the time our stop came, I was slightly sweaty but Ana was clinging to my side as I held Izzy in my arms.

 _"Feeling okay, baby?"_ I asked and she hummed.

_"Yeah."_

_"Do you need anything? You've had tremors, I can tell."_

She buried her face against my arm and took a deep breath as we stood outside the gallery. Then with shaky hands, she unlocked the door and pushed inside. Our footsteps echoed as we went inside and then she turned and locked the door.

_"Y-You know I've been cl-clean, right?"_

_"I mean, I believe you when you tell me that you're sober, yes."_

_"Right now, B...th-this place. Brooklyn is wh-where I first got hi-high. It's a tr-trigger. Do-Don't let me be al-alone here. Ever. Okay?"_

I hadn't seen her look this grim in a really long time.

She was genuinely scared to be in this place but had brought me here anyway...so we could have some time together.

 _"Whatever you need. I meant that."_ I said and then kissed her sweet lips.

 _"Ki Ki!"_ Izzy screamed in my ear.

 _"Celoso."_ Ana muttered and then kissed him too.

 _"I wanna play...you k-keep dancing. Hmm?"_ She asked and I nodded as she slowly made her way to the piano.

 _"Down."_ Izzy asked but this was an art gallery with way too much art that I couldn't afford to replace but then again, I was faster than him. So I put him down and he walked about ten steps after Ana before sitting on the floor and watching her as she sat at the piano.

She lifted the lid and then cracked her fingers before starting slow.

Izzy was entranced with his Mami, just like me. I sat next to him as she began to play...this wasn't something she'd really ever done for just me and now she was. I felt so special.

And then she began to sing and I couldn't help but pick up our son.

I moved closer to the piano and began to dance with him, he tried to put his thumb in his mouth but I pulled it out and told him no.

He whined but then I rocked him to the sound of the music and he yawned.

 _"Bring him here."_ She sang out and I smiled as I danced my sleepy son towards the piano.

Ana continued to play as she made room for us on the bench.

Izzy's head popped up and he reached for Ana. I was about to stop him but she lifted her right arm for him while her left hand continued to lazily play.

When he was in her lap facing the keys, she continued to play and sing for him.

He just smiled so happily.

I couldn't help but snap a few pictures of them together.

This moment, was bliss and I knew it wouldn't last long...that's just the way our lives worked but I was beginning to learn what it meant to truly live in a moment because in the end that's all we have, just a series of moments that are what we make them.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

With Britt by my side, I was able to have an uneventful weekend.

After the gallery we'd come home and enjoyed our kids, Isaac was walking all over and Daniela was lifting her head now. We laid her on the floor for tummy time and just kept singing to her, to see that beautiful smile.

Isaac though, was jealous of the attention we weren't giving him and laid next to her, arm over her back and tried to act like a baby too.

And we indulged him a little.

He hadn't had a chance to really be a baby, with me and B all over the place.

Then that night with the house quiet, I straddled Britt's waist and buried my hands in her hair while I pressed kisses to her face and neck.

 _"I love you."_ She whispered and I grinded down against her abs. It'd been a long time since I had climaxed off just rubbing myself on her.

 _"I love...God...I n-need you."_ I said back, _"fuck me...hard."_

_"How do you need me?"_

_"M-Make me forget."_

_"What?"_

_"J-Just want your name on my lips. Please?"_

I felt close to breaking. So much was on my brain. Ari. Marco. What his arrest could mean for me. Him falling off the wagon. There was just so much shit and I wanted, no I needed to be fucked into oblivion in that moment.

She started off by holding my hip and pushing her fingers into me, three right away and I groaned.

 _"Rock."_ She said and so I did, I moved my hips against her fingers, wanting more and deeper than she was giving me.

_"M-More."_

_"It's hard like this, baby."_ She whispered back.

 _"Wanky."_ I winked down at her before I eased off her hand, then knelt on all fours, wiggling my ass for her amusement. She grinned and then moved behind me. She gave no warning as she sunk her fingers into me and I had to bury my face in my pillow to muffled my loud ass moan.

* * *

I came four times just from her fingers and then I was weeping into my pillow, she laid next to me and held me but that's not what I wanted.

 _"More."_ I said to her as I turned my soaked face towards her.

_"Baby, what is it?"_

_"Please, st-strap up and go un-until I pass out."_

_"Ana, I'm really feeling weird about that. I have the power to hurt you, I HAVE hurt you."_

_"Please?"_ I was crying more as I gripped her face. _"D-Don't be nice...j-just please. I can take it. I pr-promise. We c-can even use a safe w-word. Please?"_

 _"Okay, red, yellow, green light?"_ She asked and I nodded.

_"Okay."_

_"I'm green."_ She nodded and then got out of the bed, I went to move but she slapped my ass.

_"Stay like that, you want it rough then I want you to stay just as you are."_

_"Okay."_

It felt like I was kneeling there forever, my legs were shaking and then I shrieked when I felt something warm and vibrating push into my ass.

_"Color?"_

_"Gr-Green."_ I groaned.

And then she pressed that strap into me and I howled into the pillow.

_"Still Green baby?"_

_"Yes!"_ I moaned out. She gripped my hips and pulled me back against her. It was animalistic and raw, just like I wanted it. She kept rubbing my back though, reminding me that she was still sane...still thinking of my pleasure instead of hurting me.

My knees gave in and she kept me suspended in the air as she continued to fuck me.

I could feel it coming...the darkness, it was coming with the orgasm that was going to be better than any I'd had in forever.

_"You're so wet, baby. You keep squirting, are you still with me? Still green?"_

_"B...B...yes...B...yes!"_ I chanted as she kept pounding into me.

I heard a whimper through the baby monitor.

_"You're so close, come on baby, just a little more and then I'll go take care of her."_

She went from thrusting to pounding her hips against mine, I was suddenly wrapped in her arms, her arms hooked under mine as she clutched my shoulders bringing me back against her. My body shook as I came, I saw light and then fireworks.

 _"YES!"_ I shouted not giving a fuck about anyone else just before I passed out.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

She passed out with a smile on her face but I still needed to check her breathing. I pulled the vibrating plug out of her ass and the strap from her body, her body shivered as she laid there in her own juices. I gave her ass a smack just to see if she had passed out.

And she didn't even flinch, just smiled a little bigger.

I left the strap there and went into the bathroom to clean myself off before heading down the hall to the nursery.

There I found Quinn, looking wide eyed as she sat in the glider and fed Dani.

 _"Hey."_ I said to her and she glared at me.

_"That was incredibly hot...for me. Ceily is upstairs with her headphones on, trying to drown out the sound of you fucking her baby sister."_

_"Whoops."_

_"Is she okay?"_

_"She was green the whole time, she asked for it. Something is going on in her head and I think she's trying to not think about drugs or Ari."_

_"Ari?"_

_"Yeah, the transplant didn't take. She's back on chemo."_

Quinn shook her head and closed her eyes.

I could tell she was praying so I let her be and swiftly picked up a sleeping Izzy.

His diaper was swollen, so I changed him and then placed him back in his crib, all while keeping him asleep.

_"That's impressive, B."_

_"Took some practice, my mom showed me how to do it."_

_"How is she? Have you talked to her?"_

_"Once or twice. They're um...still in Chicago."_

As the baby finished her bottle, Quinn held her out to me. _"Are you two going keep going at it or can I actually get some sleep?"_

_"She's passed out, I think she's out for the night. If she does wake up needing more, I'll take her down to the guest room."_

_"Thank you, although with the way she was moaning, the basement might be better."_

_"That's a good idea."_ I said as I burped Dani. She was making sucking noises next to my neck like she was still hungry _. "Is there any milk left in that bottle?"_

_"Nope and this was the last one."_

_"I guess, I'm going to have to wake up sleeping beauty."_

_"Good luck with that, at least with the baby in the room, I know you'll keep noises to a minimum."_

Quinn kissed the baby's head and then left.

I glanced down at my sleeping son one last time and then headed back to the room.

* * *

I guess I expected her to be how I left her but instead she was sitting in the middle of the bed, naked as she wrote down something in her journal, with the phone to her ear, stone faced.

 _"No...well...yeah...that...no."_ Her voice was void of emotions as she talked.

She caught my eye and I held the baby towards her, she nodded and then pulled a pillow onto her lap, leaving the note book to fall to the bed.

Once the baby was in her arms, her face softened a bit and once she was latched on, Dani started her little grunts like she was starving. Then it hit me...had we eaten more than those hot dogs today?

My wife looked impossibly small and was probably needed something to sustain her that was more than amazing orgasms.

So instead of being nosey, I left her and the baby to go find her some food.

As I stepped into the kitchen, I ran into Quinn again, this time she was sitting there with Celia.

_"Oh look, it's the girl who was fucking my sister."_

_"Her wife, babe...you have to get over it."_ Q said to her and I laughed.

_"I mean, I watch their kids all day and this is how they repay me."_

_"If it makes you feel any better, that was probably it for the night. She's up there on the phone looking way too serious and out of it for me to touch her."_

_"The phone?"_ Q asked then looked at her phone. _"It's the middle of the night, who is she talking to?"_

I shrugged and started putting things on the counter.

She needed to eat something, that was my only priority.

I filled a plate with fruit and bread, humming to myself while Q and Celia bantered back and forth.

Just as I was putting food away, I froze at the sound of my name.

 _"BRITTANY!"_ Hearing her scream for me made me drop the container of leftovers as I sprinted from the kitchen and up the stairs.

She was standing there, tears in her eyes holding Izzy who was wheezing and limp.

 _"His machine...come on."_ I took him from her and she followed closely behind me as I got his machine set up and slipped the mask over his face. It took him a few moments but he curled up against me, his wheezing slowing down. _"Baby, go put some clothes on."_ I said to her and she looked down at her naked body, then at me her eyes glassy as she nodded.

_"Right."_

_"Ana?"_ I called to her.

_"Hmm?"_

_"What did you take?"_

I watched her face go pale as she backed from the room, then turned and ran.

The signs were there if you knew how to look.

And I was always looking.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I had been in bliss and then she left me.

But that was necessary and I understood that the baby came first.

She'd taken good care of me, made me ache in all the right places but when I slipped from the bed and stumbled into the bathroom, I still had to face myself.

Everything was still very much in my mind and I wanted it to go away.

All of it.

So...well...I did what I had to do. Knowing it would still be there because who would think to move it?

The moment I remembered it, I had checked and saw that my stash was still there.

Quinn was good at clearing the house but not as good as I was at hiding shit.

I lifted the tank to the toilet and found the small little baggie that was there...just Oxy...no coke. That wasn't something I could do as a once off. Besides, the does of Oxy I was cleared to take while breastfeeding was one pill and right then, that was all I'd need.

Just to calm myself.

I was in control.

Through the wall, I could hear her talking to Q and knew that my time was limited. So I replaced the tank after making sure the bag was sealed and secure. It was smarter to just take the one pill than to have to hide a baggie.

I'd learned that lesson a long time ago.

After scooping water into my hand and swallowing it back with the pill, I emptied my bladder and then ran a brush through my hair that was badly in need of a wash and me wearing a scarf again.

I'd been neglecting my hard to manage hair and if I didn't do something about it soon, it would start to loc on me.

One more thing to help me find some routine.

That was going to keep me sane.

Some self-care and a routine, especially once Britt was working six days a week.

My phone chimed and I was thrown, it was like 3, who the fuck was calling me.

I climbed into bed and picked up my phone, I couldn't not answer.

 _"Sugar?"_ I said.

 _"Write this down because I'm only saying it once."_ Her voice was serious, there was no sweetness to it.

I grabbed my journal and let out a breath.

_"Okay."_

_"Carmen is gone, she took the baby she's at the plot. Someone knows about that night and you should lay low."_

_"But."_

_"No. I'm serious okay, Daddy has someone watching your place. You're safe just stay out of Brooklyn."_

Britt was in the room now and I just stared ahead, trying to school my face as the pill kicked in.

_"No."_

_"Do you doubt me?"_

_"Well..."_

_"You know I'm not fucking around right?"_

_"Yeah-"_

_"Are you high?"_

_"That-"_

_"Get it together or I'm telling Britt, do you want that?"_

_"No."_

_"I thought so."_

Then she hung up and I just sat there wondering what the actual fuck just happened.

* * *

Britt gave me the baby and I felt a calmness settle.

The baby latched on but the moment Britt left, I took my boob from her and just burped her instead.

She fell back to sleep after I sang Here Comes the Sun to her. I was taking her back to the nursery when I saw Isaac with his face in the bed, wheezing. I put the baby down and lifted him, trying to get him to wake up but he wouldn't.

And I panicked.

I screamed her name and she came up and set everything straight so quickly that I thought it would all be okay.

But then she was asking me the last question I thought she would.

_"What did you take?"_

I panicked and left the room but I didn't get far.

There outside my room was Quinn and my sister who was holding a plate of food.

 _"Hey, why are you crying?"_ Q asked and I felt stunned as I wiped my face.

I didn't know I'd been reduced to tears.

Fuck.

 _"I'm f-fine. Is that for me?"_ I asked my sister and snatched the food plate before closing my bedroom door in their faces.

At the very least, if Britt came in to see me eating, she wouldn't be as pissed as I knew she was feeling at the moment.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I took my time heading back to the room, even Quinn popping her head in to ask me if everything was okay didn't get me to move. Feeling my anger rise, I carried Izzy in my arms and headed back to the room, I needed to be able to keep an eye on him if he was flaring up again.

When I got back to the room, she was pacing back and forth, muttering into the phone again while she carried a piece of apple in her hand. She stopped moving when she saw me come in. She glanced at her near empty plate and then at Izzy in my arms.

 _"H-Hold on."_ She said, then she glanced out of the window for a moment before looking up at me. _"Oxy."_ She said and I nodded, not wanting to hear anything else. She was being honest, even if I didn't like her answer, it counted that she wasn't holding back.

I glanced at the clock, it was nearing 4 and she was on the phone yet again.

My body ached from fucking her and I just wanted sleep, so I tossed a pillow at her back.

She glanced at me and raised her eyebrow.

_"Hang up or take the call to the bathroom...let us sleep."_

_"Oh. Sorry, sorry, B."_ She said something into the phone then ended the call before turning the light off and crawling into the bed.

Izzy slept between us as we finally faced each other.

_"What's going on with you?"_

_"No big d-deal."_ She lied.

I reached over and touched her face...she flinched.

There was anger under my skin now.

I hated how itchy it felt.

So I rolled from the bed, reached for my pill sorter, flipped the lid...Saturday night's pill was still there.

I swallowed it dry and then laid back in the bed.

When I looked at her again, she was crying.

Again.

It made me tired.

And angry.

And hurt.

I had put in some good work when I fucked her, there was so much love there and it didn't seem to matter because the phone had ruined it.

Whoever it was, made things go back to before.

And it made me want to put my fist through their face.

* * *

When I woke up, it was because Izzy was poking my face and grinning, his dimples were deep as he woke me up. He was Ana's twin with the exception of those eyes, that reminded me of my own.

He was a beautiful kid and I could tell he'd be a little heartbreaker just like his Mama and his Mami and his Dama.

Ana's side of the bed was cold and when I sat up, I could see that her phone was gone...so were her glasses and her coat.

I reached for my phone and there was a sticky note attached.

**_Britt Britt, Couldn't sleep. 6am mass w/ Q. Be back at 7-Ana Banana_ **

When I glanced at the clock, I could see that it was already half past 8, which meant she she should have been home an hour ago.

I picked up Izzy and headed to the bathroom, I brushed his teeth and then mine before carrying him to the nursery.

Dani wasn't there and I tried to push down the little bit of panic that I was feeling.

She trusted me and I needed to trust her, even if last night was sketchy as heck.

But she was feeling a lot of feelings.

I had to trust.

Once Izzy was changed and wearing his favorite Elmo pajamas, I let him ride the chair lift downstairs while I walked beside it. He clapped his hands as we made it downstairs and reached for me.

There was laughter coming from the kitchen...and hearing it, hearing her at home made me relax.

Dani wasn't in her swing either, so I could only imagine she was in the kitchen. I was anxious to know where she was and that she was okay, even though logically I knew there wouldn't laughter if the baby was missing. It's not like she could get up and walk yet.

When I pushed into the kitchen, Ana's back was to me as she flipped pancakes and sang to herself.

I was shocked to see Puck in the kitchen, it'd been forever since I had seen him. He was holding a little blonde girl who looked exactly like Quinn and then I saw the way Quinn was looking at her.

 _"Beth?"_ I said and the girl looked up at me. She smiled when she saw Izzy.

 _"Baby."_ She said to Puck and he nodded.

_"Yes, Beth, that's a baby. His name is Izzy."_

_"Izzy."_ She said and the kid in question clapped his hands.

When I glanced over to the stove, Ana was looking at me with worried eyes and a smile.

Did she think we were in a fight?

Or that I was mad at her?

Were we in a fight?

Nah.

As long as she kept being honest, kept trusting me with her whole self, we were good.

But obviously she didn't know that and it was my job to make her feel it.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Q was going to be a mom.

All that bullshit in highschool when she tried to steal Beth back and here...just a few years later, Shelby was handing custody back to Quinn now that she was becoming a real actress.

And Quinn was telling me her plans to get a place with Puck so they could raise her together.

The shock of seeing Beth in my kitchen when my own personal world was falling to shit was difficult.

I wanted to be happy for my best friend but I just couldn't get myself to be present in the moment.

With Britt sleeping next to me that morning, I had gotten up and taken a second pill from the tank but then I thought of my seizures...I thought of the last time I took too many pills when Britt was in treatment.

So I did something that used to calm me.

I took a shower, I washed my hair...all while that pill sat on the counter top.

Then I blew it dry and put it in a perfect knot on top of my head.

An hour went by and I still wanted to take that pill.

This wasn't what I wanted though.

I knew that.

So I lifted the tank top again, grabbed what was left of my stash. I put the pill back in the baggie and then I slowly climbed the stairs to the third floor.

When I pushed open Quinn's door, she was sitting there reading while Celia slept, snoring loudly.

 _"Hey."_ Q said, putting the book down and getting up without hesitation. _"What is it, babe?"_

I held the baggie out to her and she nodded, taking it from me before grabbing my hand and pulling me from the room.

 _"I'm not g-good, Q."_ I admitted. _"Need a dis-distraction."_

She looked at her watch.

_"Mass is in an hour...let's get dressed...leave a note for B, we can head there early. Pray a little then sit through mass, maybe grab some groceries from the market and I can tell you all about my news."_

_"News?"_

She grinned.

_"Yes."_

_"Okay."_

_"Hey."_ She said, leaning in and pressing her lips to my cheek and then wiping away tears that hadn't stopped for an hour now. _"You're human, Santana. Things are crazy...shit, they have been and you're healing. Your hormones are still nuts. It's okay to feel like this. I got you...so does B. So list...get dressed...leave a note...meet me outside your room in five minutes. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

Britt didn't stay long in the kitchen, she grabbed some food for Izzy and then left.

When I brought a plate out to the table for her, there she sat with Daniela in her lap while she made airplane noises for Isaac.

I placed the plate in front of her and reached for the baby who was just leaned against her.

_"No baby, it's okay, I got her, take that plate and eat because I'm sure you haven't and didn't make a plate for yourself, am I right?"_

_"Oh, B...I...uh."_ She looked at me and raised an eyebrow. _"Right, n-not a suggestion."_

I walked back to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of juice.

 _"Should we stay in here so you two can talk?"_ Q asked.

_"No. P-Please come out."_

Without another word, everyone filled plates and went out into the dining room. I stood there hesitant because she was right I hadn't made a plate but she needed to eat just as much as I did, so I made myself one and then headed out to the dining room.

Everyone was eating but Britt, who had put the baby back in her swing. When she saw me with a plate, she smiled and pulled out the chair next to her while also pulling it a little closer to her.

I sat down and she leaned in, when I turned to look at her she was searching my eyes. I stuck out my chin and tried to smile at her. She seemed satisfied but not happy about whatever my eyes were saying.

_"What do you need?" She asked, not caring who heard her._

_"Peace."_ I said and she smiled.

_"I have a week off, want to head back to the cabin?"_

_"Yes."_ I said and she nodded.

_"Eat your breakfast and I'll set it up. Okay?"_

She was seeing my needs and I couldn't be more grateful for her in that moment.

Everything hurt and was terrifying.

Sugar said I had a target on me, Carmen had disappeared, and Marco was in jail.

No one could tell me what exactly was going on but since I was the only one in the city...I felt like my life was the easiest to take.

Mine. Britt's...my family...my babies.

Peace was all I needed.

Not just for me but all of them too.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

It took a whole hour of us being on the road with the kids both in the back seat, for the whole story to come spilling out.

Or at least the parts that she knew.

She was in danger and her instinct was to just be numb.

And I would help however I could.

I had gotten us a bigger cabin this time, one with two bedrooms so the babies could sleep separately from us at night.

She needed me to make her feel okay...or at least to give her some peace and I would do everything I could.

I had packed enough clothes for two weeks, just in case I needed to drop her at Sandra's on the way back to the city...I packed our toys...her books...and plenty of medication for me and Izzy.

The only thing we'd need was food once we got to Lake George.

And we'd grab it on the way in.

The plan was to not leave the house unless we had to for seven whole days.

Hopefully by the time we got back, things would be more settled.

While I hated to do it...there was only one person who would make sure that everything was perfect by the time we got home but I wouldn't be the one to call her.

_"You should call your mom, tell her the truth, everything you told me...maybe not the pills because you know how she is but the Marco and Carmen stuff for sure. She's a lawyer and she is super into fixing things."_

_"Wh-What if she asks wh-where I am?"_

_"Tell her it's not safe for you to say but that you're okay."_

_"I can do that."_

_"Good."_

_"B?"_

_"Yes, love?"_

_"Thank you."_

_"You're welcome. Thank you."_ I said back and she smiled.

_"You're w-welcome."_

_"Am I?"_ I teased.

 _"I'm so gr-green baby."_ She said, rubbing her hand on my thigh.

_"I don't know...you were yellow a minute ago."_

_"Now th-that I'm sure that you g-got me, I'm so damn gr-green."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"D-Did you tell your bosses about Ari?"_

_"Nope but I am going to check in with her when we get back, to see if she's okay with me talking to them but the way Frank was talking about her and how marketable she would be, I'm sure he'll throw his full support behind her."_

_"Good. She's is wo-worried about that."_

_"She should only worry about getting better."_

_"I'll tell her."_

_"Thanks, baby. I love your sweet, caring side."_

Rolling my eyes at her felt so natural, so playful.

Like the closer we got to the cabin, the more peaceful I felt.

And when we were finally there, I felt even more secure.

Britt had gotten an upgrade and it was just...the prettiest view up on a hill.

You could see if anyone was coming to the house from all sides, it was probably the safest with an alarm system and everything.

She'd thought of my peace in all the ways and when we got the kids to bed, I was SO gonna thank her for that.

I was so tired in the city, so wrapped up in knots and here she was just casually untangling me.

Making me feel less like shit about everything.

 _"I love you."_ I said to her as I made dinner for us.

_"I love you too, baby and dinner smells amazing."_

_"You g-got lunch...and tomorrow I expect french to-toast."_

_"Oh yes! You will definitely have that!"_

_"What else?"_ I asked.

 _"Uh...and fruit, I know how much you love that."_ She winked.

_"Mmm, yeah I do."_

* * *

That night, on the enclosed porch with the stars twinkling, Britt handed over all the control and let me have my way with her.

She was letting out little moans as I went slow and kept dancing for me...slowly.

I grinned as I bit on her neck just to hear her squeal.

Right then, I still felt off...like my world was in a tailspin but she made me feel like that was okay.

If I fell, she'd catch me just as much as I had been ready to catch her.

Together we would be ok.

This was what always and only meant...that no matter what and who was around...fucking shit up we could turn to each other when we were breaking.

I'd forgotten to be that for her sometimes but after losing Court among so many other things, I knew better.

Being sad wasn't going to kill me if I didn't let it.

Everything was temporary and fleeting, being there in that moment with her shuddering in my lap made me realize that if I had nothing else, I had her.

Tomorrow wasn't promised and I couldn't get lost in the possibilities of bad things, all I could do was love her while I still could.

She was my hope, my home, and my safe space.

 _"I love you...I love you...I love you."_ I said each time I kissed her.

And I never meant it more than in that moment under the stars, far away from all the things that made me want to give up.

She came undone and then slid to her knees, preparing to worship me.

Her blue eyes twinkled like the ocean as she grinned at me.

 _"I love you, Lolli."_ She grinned and I pulled her head closer.

_"Suck."_

And she hummed, while humming that song.

It felt light and peaceful...like nothing else but a perfect moment.


	36. Oh No (Bring The Horizon)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: This story veered wildly from the original and I have been searching for the point to morph the old with the new. What's coming up is heavy and is more of the original than not. I wanted to skip these things but they push the story...the ending of this story is predicated on the shit storm of these next few chapters.
> 
> An Extra long Multi-POV...cuz I have to. ;)-NR

* * *

**Rachel's POV**

* * *

When had everything in my life changed for the worse?

At what point had my life plan flown so far off it's axis that I was sitting here drunk at 10 am after a naked walk of shame.

This was not who Rachel Berry was supposed to be.

I was ashamed to show my face back in Lima and to the people that I knew from there who seemed to not want to see my face anyway. I had burned bridges before I even completely settled into New York.

The world outside of Mr. Schue's choir room wasn't that safe for someone with a dream formulated in childhood. No one told me how the city can suck you in and tear apart your soul.

I was naïve back then but now, now I know better!

It was a Sunday morning and I was being called in to see Madam Tibideaux, herself, so I could redo a performance I had drunkenly slept through.

Sonny, my flavor of the month boyfriend, who attended NYU and was a severe pothead, woke me up by pressing his hard-on against my leg. I shoved him off of me and then asked him to drive me back to my dorm but he didn't.

He never did.

It made me long for someone that cared.

Like Q.

She had always been so caring and would never let me walk the ten blocks alone.

Had my judgment always been this bad?

* * *

**_U left ur bra...pck it up after?-Sonny_ **

I growled in frustration as I stormed into my dorm room and slammed the door shut. I picked up my bottle of Schnapps from the floor and drank it straight. I felt the tears pricking my eyes as I thought of the better days at McKinley. I poured the liquor in the cup and then gulped down as much as I could at one time. The cup was empty in seconds. I sat against the edge of my desk and finished off the bottle of schnapps and was eying a half empty bottle of rum when my phone buzzed again.

**_Can I call you?-Quinn_ **

**_Yes.-Rachel_ **

No sooner had I typed out the message when my phone began to ring.

A picture of Q with pink hair and a lollipop in her mouth, came across the screen. I had snapped it way back when she was imploding because even though I wanted her back in glee club, I still thought she looked hot.

I remember wanting to be that lollipop...so much so that when she fell for Celia, I would let her fuck me just to be able to have those lips on me.

God, I missed her.

I regretted not fighting harder for her.

 _"Rach?"_ It was the first time that I heard Q sound excited in a while.

 _"Yes?"_ I slurred onto the phone.

 _"Ugh...Rachel, are you drunk?"_ she said softly.

 _"Almost!"_ I laughed into the phone.

 _"I really need to talk to you...when you're sober."_ she sounded so disappointed and that stung.

 _"Why, did I do something wrong?"_ My words were slightly slurred but they were clearer.

_"Other than being drunk at 10am...just like my father, you are better than this. Look, just call me later...promise me."_

_"I promise."_

_"Okay...and Rachel?"_

_"Yea?"_

_"Try and go easy on the alcohol...okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"I mean it...I really care about you!"_

_"You used to love me."_ I felt the tears coming down.

_"I still love you. Just from a distance like we agreed."_

_"Like you agreed."_

_"Ugh...just call me later. Bye."_

* * *

_"In my office!"_ she bellowed from her director's chair. I stood there in shock before jumping from the stage and running up the aisle.

Madam Tibideaux hated to be kept waiting.

The hallway was crowded with overachievers taking extra Sunday courses to boost their station. Something that I had stupidly opted out of doing. They were supposed to be optional classes and because I already thought that I was exceptional, I didn't think that I needed them.

What I didn't know and apparently everyone else did was that by optional, they had meant that it was expected.

No one talked to me now, even my roommate had decided to move out of the room.

Madam Tibideaux was not pleased as I stepped into her office. The room was smoky and dim, only lit with with a Tiffany's lamp on the desktop.

 _"Shut the door."_ she said curtly.

I quickly shut the door and regretted not stopping to take a drink from my flask before coming into her office. I was completely sober for the first time in months and it was terrifying to be like that in front of my personal bogeyman.

My legs were shaking and because it was like an unwritten rule that you didn't sit in the leather wing-back chairs unless you were expressly invited, I remained standing.

 _"I did my best Madam."_ I said as I bowed my head and looked in her direction with lowered eyes.

_"Not good enough...that was by far the most predictable performance that you have done to date. You lack originality and frankly, I'm sick of looking at you. Another person was rejected just so that you could be the runt in my inaugural class. I don't appreciate having my time wasted Ms. Berry. I just don't think that you want this as badly as you profess."_

She sniffed with disdain and crossed her hands over a file that sat atop of her desk. I could see that my name was on the tab. My palms began to sweat as I looked up at her in fear.

_"I-I can try again Madam...I swear it. I just need...please...can I just have one more chance to prove it to you?"_

I was feeling desperate as I pleaded with the meanest and most cold-hearted person that I had ever met.

She was glaring at me and then a smile crossed her face.

_"Let's make a deal."_

_"Anything."_ I said as I looked her in the eyes.

_"You have one week to come back to that stage and perform in front of me and a class of your peers. If you perform below standard, then you will immediately be required to take an academic leave from my class and from this school. This is your final chance."_

_"Okay. Thank you Madam Tibideaux,"_ I went to open the door but she slammed her hand down on her desk.

I jumped and nearly pissed myself.

 _"You see...that's your problem! Did I dismiss you? Did I tell you that I was finished speaking?"_ she said as she leaned forward over her desk. She was visibly shaking with rage.

I shook my head. _"No Madam T-t—"_ I stuttered.

_"You had so much potential when I saw you at Nationals Rachel. The problem with potential is that it's just that...it's not a guarantee. You thought that you would come here and everyone would fall over themselves because you have a great voice but I can find that on any corner in Brooklyn, I need more than that! You may have been a big fish where you came from, making everyone else seem inferior next to you but so is everyone else in your class. They were the best of the best. Many of them better than you! You have the talent but you lack the intestinal fortitude, the humility, and the grace that it takes to make it into a career with any shot of longevity! You have a week! Otherwise I expect that you will be finding somewhere else to continue your studies!"_

I was fighting back the tears as she read my soul.

She was right...I wasn't cut out for this, so why try.

 _"Yes ma'am."_ I whispered.

 _"Why are you still here? Get out!"_ she barked as she tossed my folder to the side and picked up her phone.

I nodded and then quickly left the room.

I felt so alone.

So lost and so fucking screwed.

How could I tell my dads that I had failed?

I couldn't go back to Lima as a loser.

* * *

I stormed into a private handicapped bathroom and locked the door before I broke down.

My hands were shaking and my mascara was running tracks down my cheeks.

This was all wrong.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.

I dug through my purse until I felt the cool metal of my emergency flask.

This was definitely an emergency.

I flipped the top off and then brought it to my lips.

The burning of the liquid as it hit the back of my throat made me thankful that I lacked a gag reflex. I quickly emptied the remainder of the harsh liquor and then tossed the flask back into my purse.

My lip was numb as I wet my face with the ice cold water.

Whatever Sonny had put in there was super strong because my whole equilibrium was off as I stumbled into the hallway. I heard the door to Madam Tibideaux's office open and usually I am fast enough to hide but with my senses impaired I froze and tried to blend in with the wall.

She turned towards me and looked me in the eye.

 _"Drunk already?"_ she said coldly.

I shook my head as the tears left my eyes and poured endlessly down my cheeks.

_"I rescind the offer...I'm dropping you from my classes. Your time at NYADA has come to an end. You have the remainder of the month to clear your things from your dorm room so that a more deserving student can live there."_

She stormed back into her office and slammed the door.

I slid down against the wall and cried with my face pressed against my knees.

* * *

Being ignored as I sat on that hallway floor made me long for the days of being slushied. At least then people were paying some kind of attention to me but here I was invisible.

 _"Rachel?"_ I lifted my head and there stood Kurt holding his hand out to me.

 _"What are you doing here?"_ I said as I wiped my tears on my sleeve.

 _"Come on let's get you out of here."_ he said as he put out his second hand.

I took his hands and pulled myself to my feet. I clutched my purse tight to my side and stood there looking at him with blurred vision...not quite sure if it was the booze or the tears.

_"Why are you here KURT, did she call you to replace me?"_

_"Can I take you home?"_

I shook my head and looked down at my hands.

_"I will just go back to Columbia with you and I'll have Sonny come get me."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes please."_ I squeaked out.

When we got to Columbia, I pretended to get a text and told him that it was Sonny. He cleaned up my face and straightened my clothes before walking me to the elevator.

 _"We're worried about you Rachel."_ he said to me finally.

 _"We who?"_ I was irate. _"No one gives a damn about me!"_

_"Quinn does."_

_"That's why I got kicked out of Quinn's house last week? Some kind of worry!"_

I stepped into the elevator but Kurt stood in between the doors so that it wouldn't move.

_"I know that Sonny isn't downstairs...so where are you going?"_

_"To see him."_

_"Why? You're gay."_ he said as if it was the easiest thing in the world.

I sighed and pressed my fingers to my temples.

_"I'm bi. What's with the erasure? Besides right now, guys are just easier. Women they get under your skin and chip away at your heart a little at a time so it's not noticeable and then you realize one day that your heart is shattered. Guys break it all at once or not at all. It's just easier."_

_"I'm going to walk you over there."_

_"That won't be necessary."_

_"Maybe you don't think so but I definitely do. We are like family, I can't let you go and walk the streets of New York in your state."_

_"I'm sober."_

_"If you are then you'll be rational and let me walk you to NYU."_

_"Fine."_

* * *

I pushed Sonny's door open and he was sprawled out on the floor trying to glue a model bridge together. He was a bit of a pothead but was insanely serious when it came to getting his degree in architecture. He looked up at me and pushed his glasses up until they sat in his short red hair.

 _"What happened?"_ he sighed as he stood to his feet. I looked up at him and shrugged. _"You need something?"_ he asked as he headed to the trunk at the end of his bed.

 _"I need to be numb."_ I whispered.

He nodded and lifted the lid of the trunk. I pulled off my sweater and slid out of my skirt and shoes.

I found that when I took off my own clothes it was easier to locate them in the morning. In nothing but my panties I climbed up on his big bed and sat there with his down comforter wrapped around me.

He brought over two mugs of pure liquor and then grabbed the guava nectar from the fridge and poured it into my cup.

I took the mug and then proceeded to gulp down it's contents while Sonny took small sips.

 _"Whoa! Rachel...slow down baby."_ he said, trying to appear concerned.

 _"Fuck you, give me another."_ I said as I held the empty mug out to him.

_"I don't know if that a good idea."_

_"Keep your opinion to yourself or you can use your hand tonight."_

He moved quickly as he poured more rum into my cup and turned to grab the juice and when his back was turned, I emptied the mug. He cut me off after that which was fine because I had achieved my purpose.

I was blitzed!

* * *

I woke up a while later with Sonny inside of me, kissing my face and professing his love for me.

 _"Get off!"_ I yelled.

He looked up at me in shock but quickly pulled away from me as sat back on his knees.

 _"That's the sixth time this week!"_ he said in frustration.

 _"Get out!"_ I yelled as I clamped my hands over my ears.

 _"It's my room...you get out!"_ he said as he grabbed my arm and yanked me from the bed.

I stumbled to my feet and nearly fell over. I steadied myself and began to search for my stuff. It was right where I left it in a nice neat pile by the door. It took me ages to get my clothes on right. My panties were a lost cause as Sonny held the door open for me. I looked up at him and he looked away.

_"This is it Rachel. I'm sick of you and your shit. Don't come back here."_

I stepped into the hallway and the door immediately slammed behind me. It was still snowing and since I had on a skirt with no undergarments on, it was ten times colder.

When I got back to my dorm, I found my stuff on the floor in the hallway. There was a note on my door.

**_Ms. Berry,_ **

**_You have been evicted, effective immediately due to the state of your quarters and your previous dismissal from NYADA, you are required to leave the residence within 24 hours. If you do not do so or cause a scene you will be escorted from the premises. You have until Monday evening to leave campus at which point your key card will be deactivated._ **

**_I hope that you find greener pastures._ **

**_Best of luck to you,_ **

**_Madam Tibideaux._ **

I was enraged! I tried to open the door but the lock had already been changed. I looked down at my stuff and saw that everything was there.

There was nothing left in the room. I tried to assemble it the best that I could while trying not to cry.

I was homeless.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

After six days, we'd learned how to capitalize on quiet moments when the kids were asleep. It was early Saturday, I'd just put the baby down after feeding her and since Isaac had gone down with a treatment the night before, we were certain he'd sleep for longer than usual.

We were supposed to be heading back to the city that afternoon so that Britt could have Sunday to relax before starting a six day workweek on Monday. So Britt had stopped me before I climbed back in bed and pulled me into the shower.

She had let me have her all week but each time she'd try to do anything to me, I'd brush her off but this was our last day here and I should have known she wasn't going to let me go without her fucking me.

I didn't push her away this time, she had strapped up and was lifting my legs around her waist. She nailed me against the wall, fucking me hard and soft, alternating her strokes.

Her eyes were staring into mine and I couldn't look away.

For six days we'd avoided her questioning me on the Oxy...for six days I'd been on edge about it.

But as she fucked me into submission, she finally spoke.

_"How deep are you with these pills, Ana?"_

I was panting as she fucked me, not able to form words so she went even slower as she held me there.

 _"I haven't st-stopped."_ I admitted.

Sure I had given Quinn my stash with fully good intentions but then later when I discovered another, I wasn't strong enough to pass it up, it wasn't my intention to have another...well actually, Britt did. She'd stopped taking her pills from being shot, after they counteracted with her Lithium.

I had found them while packing.

And each day this week, I had taken one...crushed up...snorting it when she left me in moments of peace.

Her eyes shone with disappointment.

 _"Do I need to get other people involved?"_ She asked stroking hard into me. _"Do I need to give you an ultimatum? You shouldn't be breastfeeding...I don't care if they say one pill a day is okay, I don't believe them."_

 _"I can stop."_ I said, no longer even needing them because my pain was so minimal these days.

_"Can you?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then do it, starting today you're done."_

_"But B...I al-already."_

She looked stunned.

_"It's 6am."_

_"I know."_

She pulled out of me just as I was cresting towards an orgasm and I felt like crying. I thought she'd leave me hanging but instead after she stepped back she said in the coldest voice, _"Turn around, I'm finding it hard to look at you right now."_

 _"B...I'm sorry."_ I said to her, trying to make her see it wasn't that deep. I wasn't strung out. I was coherent...she hadn't even suspected it but her eyes were cold.

 _"Turn. Around."_ She said, stroking the strap like it was a real dick and I shuddered when I saw it. I turned around and she lifted my leg until my foot was resting on the edge of the tub. Then she pulled my hips back onto that monster strap and I tried to find something to hold onto.

 _"Fuck."_ I whimpered. Moving my hand between my legs but she slapped my hand away.

_"Hands on the wall, don't touch yourself."_

_"Okay."_

Then she began to pound into me, just like last week when I was teetering and she'd fucked me into oblivion, she was putting in work. She was grunting as she fucked me through two orgasms.

As I was on my way to a third, she slapped my ass and I went still.

 _"Y-Yellow."_ I said and she hit me again...softer.

_"I need you to feel...that's what this is. You can't numb yourself from the the shit in our lives because eventually, those things will be your babies. You made me promise to keep you from them if you started to get like your dad."_

I was crying now and nodded, _"Okay...an-another."_ I said and she slapped my ass again, setting a rhythm with her thrusts.

 _"Color?"_ She said after my ass began to sting.

 _"Gr-Green."_ I admitted and she went harder until my legs gave out as I came so hard it knocked me off my feet. _"B!"_

She was on her knees behind me now, the water from the shower soaking our bodies but she just continued. The water seemed to dull the sting of her slaps as I pushed my ass back towards her. Taking all of her frustration, her hurt, and disappointments.

This was the least that I could give.

* * *

**_Hey sis, can we do Sunday dinner at yours this week? Getting fumigated and could use a place to sleep tonight.-Sandra_ **

My ass was super sore as we made our way towards home. We were still two hours out and Britt's mood hadn't really improved. She was still sweet, still touching me but the disappointment hadn't left her demeanor.

_"Are we okay if San-Sandra comes tonight to stay over? Sh-She wants to do Sunday dinner at ours."_

_"That's fine, might want to give Q a heads up."_

I nodded and forwarded Sandra's text Q.

_**I know, she's already here.-Q** _

_**Oh, are you cool with that?-San** _

_**Used to it.-Q** _

_**So that's a no?-San** _

_**It's fine. Are you okay with it?-Q** _

_**Britt is pissed at me. Took her pills.-San** _

_**Shit. I thought you were ok?-Q** _

_**I am.-San** _

_**You're not.-Q** _

_**I'm not. I know.-San** _

_**A 3rd stint in rehab prob isn't what you want, might be what you need-Q** _

_**I know.-San** _

_**Be safe and I'll see you soon. Going to send your sisters to buy food while I clean-Q** _

_**Thanks!-San** _

_"Everything okay?"_ Britt asked as she turned into a rest stop.

_"I t-told her."_

_"You did? Why?"_

_"Feel like I lied. G-Gave her my last st-stash before we l-left."_

_"And had to admit that you had more? I'm sure she's not happy with you right now."_

_"She's not."_

* * *

Once we were parked she turned towards me and waited for me to look at her.

She tucked her finger under my chin.

_"I think it would be good if you weren't alone with Dani for a bit."_

_"Why?"_

_"You could drop her and I don't want things to get bad. Izzy can at least stand on his own."_

_"B...th-this isn't necessary."_

_"I made a promise and I plan to keep it. If I still had my place, I'd probably just take them both and let you figure stuff out but I made vows. I'm going to be by your side through this."_

_"For how long?"_

_"Well we can get formula and start feeding that to her, your breastmilk is tainted...I don't think you should keep feeding her liquid pills."_

_"Th-That's not what I'm doing."_

_"Did you ever notice how quiet she is, how she doesn't respond like she's awake. I think you need to stop. She has her two month appointment soon and if she has high levels of that in her system, we will have a bigger problem."_

It was like the bottom had dropped out.

When we got home, I went straight upstairs, took a benadryl before Britt could stop me and passed out. If she didn't really want me around the kids then fuck it, I'd sleep.

Let her worry about things, my sisters and Q were here, what use did she have for me?

I kept trying to steer my dreams to that dark place where I floated effortlessly but instead, I was stuck in a nightmare spiral. My bad memories were compounding on me. My summer in New York with Marco and Mr. Evans, standing by while Marco buried an actual body in the Adirondacks. We'd driven hours with me in the backseat with a body.

That had been what I was avoiding, if Marco was telling me to lawyer up...a call that I hadn't told Britt or anyone else about, and if Carmen was fleeing the country...then it was out there.

Someone knew and it felt like there was only a matter of time before I was on the list.

Nico wasn't here to protect me this time.

Marco was locked up and I was a sitting duck with a wife who professed to trust me but wouldn't let me be alone in a room with my newborn.

In all of that though, I felt numb.

And that was what was important to me.

Fuck the world...I was finally getting some sleep.

* * *

When I woke up it took me a few moments to realize where I was. I'd gone to sleep in all of my clothes in my bedroom on the second floor and was waking up in a cold sweat in the guest room on the first floor in my pajamas.

My head felt groggy as I sat there, my clothes damp and my body shaking.

I was coming down and crashing hard.

How long had I slept?

I looked for my phone but there was nothing and no one in there with me.

The sun looked like it was in the same position as it was when I passed out. Had Britt seen me asleep and brought me downstairs so I wasn't alone?

My boobs ached and were rock hard as I just sat there stuck, confused about everything. I sat there, zoned out for a while and then I heard laughter coming from the other side of the door.

Was my family here?

Was it Sunday?

I brushed my hair back with my fingers and put it up in a high ponytail hoping that it would help to relax me but instead my body was on edge and the tears wouldn't stop. I laid back against the pillows in frustration and cried harder than I ever had before.

The quake of withdrawal hit me hard and I knew then that Britt had been right, Quinn had been on the nose, I was too far gone.

It wasn't even hot in the room but I was sweating buckets and then came what I was dreading, the nausea punching me in the gut. I stumbled from the bed feeling like Bambi as I tried to find my footing.

Once I was up, I realized how badly my whole body was shaking and my teeth were chattering. Even with that, my skin felt like it was on fire.

Addiction was hard and I wanted it to stop.

I sobbed loudly as I emptied my stomach, then I drank from the faucet trying to satisfy the burning in my throat.

How was I back to this fucking point?

Why was I?

* * *

I went back towards the bed and dropped to my knees, I needed to level myself out.

But I just ended up sobbing against the bedspread.

I must have been loud because the door swung open and the room was filled with light from the dining room. I closed my eyes to the blinding light and didn't move until I heard the door close again.

My body was lifted back onto the bed and then a cool body laid behind me, spooning me as they put her chin on my shoulder.

 _"Do you want to talk about it?"_ My cries died in my throat when I realized that it was Sandra holding me. My big sister was seeing me like this, how pathetic.

 _"I-I..."_ I was shaking so badly and my skin was crawling. I was scratching my hands and choking through my sobs.

 _"Breathe Santana!"_ she said crisply in my ear.

I sucked in a breath, then another and another until I started to hyperventilate. She clamped her hand over my mouth so that I was forced to breathe through my nose.

The door opened again and then quickly closed.

Celia and Damariz came and sat on the bed.

Damariz was feeling my pulse and Celia just kept rubbing my arm.

 _"We're here Ana...we want to help you."_ Celia said softly as she wiped the tears from my face. _"Will you let us?"_ she whispered as she kissed my face.

I nodded.

 _"Yes...please...I-I...I need help."_ I covered my face and cried against Celia's chest. I laid sandwiched between her and Sandra with Damariz rubbing my feet.

 _"It's going to be alright, Ana. We're here for you, Mama."_ I nodded and took deep steady breaths.

I was back to sleep in no time.

* * *

When I woke up again, it was to Britt laying clothes out on the bed and my sisters gone.

I sat up and looked at her, she looked like she had been crying.

Had I done this to her?

We'd had such a good week.

 _"You're mad."_ I said to her and she looked up at me...staring at me for a long moment before fixing her hair on top of her head. I watched her as she undressed herself and then she came around to my side of the bed and leaned in, unbuttoning my top.

 _"It's almost dinner time, let's get you in the shower. You smell like sour milk."_ She mumbled.

I took offense to that.

 _"I leaked."_ I said.

 _"Do you need me to help you stand?"_ She asked as she held her hand out.

I took it, feeling like we had a wall between us. I thought we were past that.

 _"B...please?"_ I said but she just finished undressing me once I was on my feet before taking my hand and pulling me towards the bathroom.

 _"Don't want to keep people waiting. Come on."_ She said. Her back was to me as she pulled me along and I watched her wipe away a tear. She cleared her throat as she closed the bathroom door. _"Brush."_ she said to me.

I turned towards the sink and saw a toothbrush all ready for me, so I put it under some water and then began to brush my teeth.

She stood behind me, brushing my hair out and then putting it in a top knot with ease.

Show off.

It wasn't until we were in the shower and she was soaping up a loofa that she finally looked at me in the eyes. I shivered as I remembered our last shower together.

 _"It's Sunday?"_ I asked.

_"Yes. I don't know what you took but I was getting the kids settled downstairs when I heard a thump upstairs. You were passed out on the floor when I got to you, shaking like you were choking."_

_"I was?"_

_"You had thrown up and were choking on it, yeah. We were afraid you'd have a seizure. I'm glad you're okay."_

_"It was...Ben-Benadryl."_

_"Did you have an allergic reaction to something?"_

_"No."_ She looked angry as she nodded but she washed my body softly. With love and it made me ache. _"I'm sorry."_

And she shrugged. _"I don't really care if you're sorry, it doesn't change that you still keep doing things...but to answer your question, if that even was a question, no...I am not mad. I'm hurt. Those are two different things."_

_"Oh."_

_"Rinse."_ She said pushing me towards the water while she washed her own body. It was a quick flash but I saw it and I froze.

 _"B...you d-didn't."_ I said, tears bombarding me.

I reached out to her side where a fresh red line cut across her flesh.

_"I know, just...I already talked to my therapist. I'd missed a dose and I was feeling off center. I'm okay. I caught up...we all fall...that's why I'm not mad."_

_"I...I...I'll do anything. I'll be h-honest before I fuck up."_ I said and she nodded.

_"Good. I'm going to need you to keep that attitude because your mother is out there and you probably need to talk to her."_

_"Does she know?"_

_"That you have been forming a new addiction...yes, about the other stuff...not yet."_

_"Oh."_

_"Be honest. That's what you promised...you can either talk to her alone or with the family. That's your choice."_

_"But be h-honest."_

_"Yes."_

_"Can I feed her?"_ I asked as I massaged my aching boobs.

_"Not yet."_

_"Okay."_ I said, not bothering to argue.

I'd done this and I needed to accept the consequences.

* * *

As we finished getting dressed, I could hear the front door open and loud laughter. Britt kissed my forehead and urged me to hurry up before leaving me to finish getting ready. Soon after, I heard Mami's voice asking for me. We hadn't really talked since I kicked her out of the van but now I was going to need her help.

My stomach made a lurching motion and the next thing I knew I was leaned over the toilet gagging on stomach bile.

_"Santana?"_

_"Ugh."_ I said as I slowly stood up.

My mother was standing in the doorway with Isaac perched on her hip. Isaac began to reach for me but I couldn't touch him yet. I smiled at him and then went back to the sink and rinsed my mouth with the mint mouthwash that I kept in there.

I hated that my son had seen me like this.

 _"Are you okay?"_ Mami asked as I took Isaac from her. I nodded and then kissed my son's face.

 _"Yes. Bendicion, Mami."_ I said as I leaned in and kissed her cheek.

 _"Dios te bendiga. Why don't I believe you? Is this withdrawal?"_ she asked and I felt heat in my cheeks as she asked such a question with my son in her arms. The very son who had been through the height of my addiction with me.

But I promised to be honest.

 _"Yes. "_ I admitted and she put a hand on my cheek.

_"Has Brittany not been supporting you?"_

_"She has. M-More than you!"_ I snapped. She looked at me with a hurt look on her face. _"I'm sorry...ugh...I'm ju-just on edge."_ I said as I leaned in and dropped a kiss on her cheek. _"Forgive me?"_ I said as I looked her in the eyes.

 _"It's fine...come eat, you're too skinny."_ she patted me on the back.

I followed her into the living room and almost immediately, all eyes were on me.

How did I ever enjoy that as a Cheerio?

These days, I wanted people to just be normal with me but with everything that had happened, I knew that it wasn't possible for them to treat me normally.

Because, I wasn't normal.

I was anxious as everyone gathered at the table. My body still trembled slightly and I swallowed the extra saliva in my mouth.

As I sat there, in front of a plate of food that was piled too high, I tried to think of how I'd get through this new addiction and whatever was looming with Marco. I bowed my head to pray and everyone followed suit but then my prayer were cut off by two phones going off at once.

Damariz and Sandra looked at each other and then down at their phones. Damariz ignored hers but Sandra held up a finger and picked up her phone and walked away from the table.

We all watched as her face crumpled up and she rammed her fist into the wall. _"No, no, no, no, no!"_ she was crying now. I went to stand to my feet but froze when there was a banging on the front door.

What the fuck was going on?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Everything just fell apart.

One minute, Ana was about to pray and the next the world split right open.

At first I thought that it was just a coincidence that both Sandra and Damariz's phones went off at the same time. Ana immediately knew better. She had watched with wide eyes as Sandra answered her phone. Then we had all watched Sandra flip out like she was...well...me, kind of shed new light on how I must have looked when I flipped at Ana.

Sandra had just punched the wall when the door started to rattle with someone banging on it. Ana looked over that way and that's when I saw how bad she was shaking. She looked like she was going to be sick.

Quinn thankfully was nearly at the door so she quickly pulled the door open before anyone could move and there stood Rachel, covered in what looked like mud but smelled awfully a lot like shit.

 _"This is not a good time, Rachel."_ Quinn said as she blocked her entrance.

 _"Let her in."_ Ana distractedly mumbled as she watched Celia and Damariz with their arms around Sandra. I wasn't paying attention to Rachel either because now Damariz was sliding down to her knees and crying into her hands and Celia stood there looking blurry eyed and kept shaking her head.

The world was still for just a moment as we all watched the three sisters completely falling apart. At first I thought that their mom died but I knew for a fact that they didn't really care for her.

 _"Wh-What's going on?"_ Ana squeaked out. Her whole body was stiff as she stood there rubbing her palms together.

She was losing the little bit of resolve that she had, I could see it and it scared me.

* * *

What I didn't know yet but was about to find out was that the world as Ana knew it was about to blow up even more.

Celia came over to us and tried to get Ana to sit down.

 _"No...I wo-won't sit! Tell me."_ Ana begged.

 _"You should sit down."_ Celia said through her tears.

 _"NO! Fu-Fucking tell me already!"_ she screamed.

 _"There was an accident, Brenda, Little Ethan and Brendan...they're gone."_ she whispered. The scream that came from Ana as she fell into Celia's arms was the most heartbreaking thing that I had ever heard...it was like Court all over again but even worse.

How could life be so fucking cruel.

To be honest, I didn't know what to do, I was still dealing with my own loss. Court had only died a month and a half ago.

God...had it only been a month and a half?

How much had happened since...how could I step in and help when I was sobbing too?

What could I do?

I'm not good with these sorts of things.

At least I thought that I wasn't but then all of a sudden Ana was flinging herself into my arms and I was just holding her tight to me and allowing her to cry and question.

I would just be there for her the best that I could.

My heart hurt as I thought of Brenda and her four boys, Ethan and Xavier were twins and were around ten and then there was little Evan who had just turned five Labor Day weekend and then the baby, little Brendan was just two years old.

This just seemed so unfair. Especially since Brenda's husband had died at war.

Where was the justice?

* * *

Ana and I sat at the table, her face a mask of confusion as she forced herself to eat her first meal since we left Lake George the afternoon before. I don't even know if she tasted anything, she just ate and kept shaking her head as tears poured from her eyes.

Sandra and Celia were getting their shit together to head to L.A. to identify the the bodies, they were like zombies as they lifted a very pregnant Damariz from the floor and helped put her coat on.

_"We are going to head to Mari's...she's not going to be able to fly."_

_"No."_ I said, knowing what it was like to lose a sister, _"She can stay in the guest room down here. Saul is working, she shouldn't be alone, especially in her condition."_

They looked at Mari and she just shrugged her shoulders. _"Where are the sheets...I'll change em." She mumbled, looking so lost._

_"Uh...the closet in the room."_

_"Thanks, Brittany."_ She said wrapping me in a hug, she cried against my neck and I rubbed her back. _"You know this pain, huh...how...how do you exist?"_ She muttered, already trying to make sense.

 _"You just do. I'm here for you, whatever you need. Go rest."_ She stood nodded and then walked into the guest room, leaving the door open as she moved about trying to stay busy, Gladys followed her and I was glad that I could worry just a little less about whether she'd be okay.

Gladys always seemed to take care of everyone better than Ana...which is why I had to work so hard to keep my wife together.

I got pulled into another hug, this time with Sandra. _"Thanks for looking out for my sister, Britt."_ Sandra said, her face a mask of coolness but I knew better. This was her take charge attitude, the one she learned in the military. She was shelving her grief and I respected it...it's what I had to do when I was helping my parents through this.

And Celia, she took one look at Rachel and then turned to Q who looked so stuck but then she was holding Celia tight and kissing her like it was the last time before she followed Sandra out of the door.

The house was getting quieter by the second which is why we were able to hear Q so clearly.

I'd gone back to watching Ana eat her food but then my head shot up when I heard Quinn whispering harshly to Rachel.

_"How dare you fucking show up here looking and smelling like shit and drunk! What happened to the Rachel Berry that I fell in love with? I miss her!"_

Ana must have heard her too because even though her face was buried against my shoulder she said loudly,

_"Leave her alone Q. She's here for a reason."_

* * *

Ana dropped her fork to her near empty plate and wiped her mouth before leaning towards me and pressing her lips to mine. I brushed her tears with my thumbs and kissed her again.

 _"Whatever you need, I've got."_ I whispered and she nodded before her face got still as stone like as Sandra's had been.

This was Cheerio Santana. I watched as she transformed right in front of my face. She wiped her tears away with her palms and then sat up straight and looked across the room at Rachel and Quinn.

 _"Wh-What is it Rachel?"_ she said softly while plucking imaginary lint from her track pants.

Rachel stood there, the mud/poop stuff becoming crusty as it dried.

 _"I was wondering if you might let me stay here just for a few days? I got kicked out of school and I really don't have any other place to go. I will do anything...to help."_ she said weakly.

I looked over at Quinn who's eyes were wide and shocked as she looked at her ex-girlfriend. I looked over at my wife and she looked like she was thinking hard about it and then a sneaky smile crept over her face.

_"I have a better idea."_

_"You do?"_ Rachel perked up, excited that Ana was willing to help her in some way.

_"Rehab."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"You're an al-alcoholic, Rachel. Addicts kn-know addicts. Y-You should be going to rehab."_

_"I'm not an alcoholic and I resent the fact that you think so."_ Rachel said as she huffed and crossed her arms over herself.

_"Look, I know that stuff seems pr-pretty bad for you...but look around, it's b-bad for all of us. So stop being so self centered and ma-maybe realize that life doesn't revolve around y-you."_

_"Maybe you have a point...but I feel like I can control this."_

_"I th-thought that too. I w-was wrong, so are you."_

_"I...I don't know what to say."_

_"Th-Then don't. Just th-think about what you h-have become. If y-you stay it c-can't be fo-forever."_

She stood there looking at Ana, then looked down at herself and nodded. _"Thank you, Santana."_

Ana stood to her feet and then leaned in and kissed my lips.

 _"C-can I pl-please feed her?"_ She whispered, her eyes watery and I just nodded. Mari had told me she was in the clear to breastfeed but I was feeling nervous but right now, she needed to walk away and I'd do my best to make that happen.

_"Go check in on your mom and sister, I'll get Rachel settled then bring her to you."_

_"Thanks, B."_ She kissed me then, soft and sweet, which made me realize that even at times like this when everything else had gone to shit me and Ana were still us and things would be good again between us.

Quinn was standing by the door and talking in a hushed whisper on the phone. She had wanted to go with Celia but ended up staying behind at Celia's request because Ana and Damariz would need her.

She wasn't happy about it.

 _"So I guess you can stay in the guest room on third floor. Is that okay Quinn? "_ I said as I looked over at Q. There were only three rooms up there and one of them was Quinn's. She would be all alone with Rachel for the time being and it was her call.

 _"That's fine B, it's your house."_ Quinn said before returning to her phone conversation.

_"Thank you, very much, Brittany."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I sat with Mari as she cradled her baby bump, she had her head on my shoulder when Britt brought the baby in.

This was my first time seeing her since I put her in her car seat the day before. She looked at me with watery eyes and I quickly helped her latch on before she got to a level three cry, which was when her whole body turned red and she wouldn't stop gumming my nipple to death.

 _"Do you need anything?"_ B asked and I puckered my lips. She smiled and kissed my lips. Then she rolled her eyes and kissed Mari's forehead before leaving to go check in on Isaac who had thankfully been in bed when all of the commotion had happened.

Sunday dinners would probably never be the same again.

 _"Tell me something good, sis."_ Mari said.

_"I wish I h-had something to tell. You?"_

We sat in silence for a while after that. I had started falling asleep against her shoulder while feeding the baby when she finally spoke again.

 _"It's a girl."_ She said _, "Daniela will have company."_

 _"Th-That's awesome, Mari."_ I said as I sat up abruptly. Daniela was asleep so I just started burping her instead of giving her more. Damariz sat up and reached out for the baby. I handed my daughter over and watched as my sister continued to burp her and then when she was done, she leaned over and tucked her into the bassinet. I sat there twisting my shirt in between my fingers as I waited for Damariz to come back to bed.

It didn't take long.

 _"Talk to me. You're hooked again? I heard about your stuff with Marco too...and Ari. What is going on?"_ she asked as she pulled my hand in between hers. I we both sat cross-legged facing each other and holding hands. It was the closest the two of us had ever been.

 _"Wh-When I lived here last summer...I was taken advantage of...and-"_ suddenly the door swung open and in stormed my mother with Brittany right behind her trying to stand in front of her.

 _"What did you do? How could you not tell me that you might be implicated in a murder, Santana!"_ Mami screamed at me as she disrupted a peaceful moment.

Daniela started crying and I flipped.

 _"Was that really necessary Mami? With my daughter right here?"_ Britt walked over to the bassinet and picked up the baby. She tried her best to soothe her but it was useless. It was only something that I was capable of.

_"Give her to me, Britt."_

Brittany nodded and then walked around Gladys and brought her to me. Daniela looked up at me with watery eyes and continued to cry really loudly.

I was so angry and felt so terrible for disturbing her from her sleep.

This was all just so overwhelming.

I needed a way out but I had used up all those moments to numb myself, B asked me to be present and I would be.

Even if my current present was a living hell.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was really fed up and just wanted people to leave so that I could talk to my wife alone.

Gladys was the first person that I had to get rid of and since she could calmly leave on her own, I did the next best thing.

While she ranted at Ana, I walked back into the kitchen and cornered Hector who had been quiet through all of this, if he was going to marry Gladys, I needed him to step up a little more.

Wasn't I stretched enough as it was?

 _"You need to take her to the hotel."_ I said as I leaned against the kitchen counter and looked at both him. _"Ana has a lot of pressure and stuff going on. Maybe it would be better if you just left. Come back in the morning if you must...but tonight has reached its maximum capacity of drama."_

I didn't give Hector a chance to respond because I stormed out of the room and headed into the living room where Quinn was sitting with Izzy in her lap.

He was having another one of his treatments.

I rubbed his little head and then stood in front of Q completely.

_"Hey B...is everything okay in there?"_

_"I need a favor."_ I said as I held Izzy's little hand in my own.

_"What do you guys need?"_

Just when I finished telling Quinn what I needed from her there was banging coming from the guest room.

 _"What the heck?"_ Quinn said as she craned her neck towards the closed door.

* * *

When I went to open the door, I could hear the crying coming from the other side. I tried the door but it was locked.

 _"I can't fucking believe you, Mami! How dare you say that about me! Get out of my house!"_ Ana screamed.

The shit had hit the fan.

 _"Hector!"_ I screamed towards the kitchen. He was in the dining room in no time as I began to bang on the door.

 _"Ana? Gladys? Damariz? Open the door!"_ I was pleading with them but I doubted that they could hear me over their yelling.

What bothered me the most though was the fact that my newborn was still screaming.

Hector rammed his shoulder into the door just once and it popped open. It was amazing to see and if I had more time I would have tried to get him to show me how to do it. Then there was another smack at the same time of the door slamming against the wall.

_"Don't you dare talk to me like that! I am your mother!"_

_"Only when it's con-convenient!"_ Ana screamed.

Another slap!

It was like I felt it.

My heart clenched as I dove in front of of my lunging wife. Ana's body slammed into mine so hard that we flew past Gladys and crashed into the wall. I held her tightly around the waist so that she wouldn't turn around and try again. She was facing the wall and I had my front pressed against her back.

 _"Hector? Now!"_ I never would have yelled at him like that but this was out of control. I could still hear Dani crying but I realized that she wasn't in the room. The bathroom door was closed. I leaned against Ana while she growled and threatened her mother, I leaned enough, so that my lips were brushing her ear. _"Think about the baby...she needs you right now."_

Ana's body slumped against me and I loosened my hands but didn't let go completely. She rested her forehead against the wall, her body began to shake and then I heard her sniffling.

 _"I'm so-sorry."_ she whispered only low enough for me to hear. _"You can let me go, B, I'm go-going to get the b-baby."_ she whispered.

I stepped back but kept my arms out just in case she tried to lunge but she kept her word. She turned around and walked straight towards the bathroom door without chancing a glance around the room.

Ana surprises me everyday.

It's amazing to see how much she has matured.

It's a welcome change.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

By the time that everyone left the house, Damariz included when Saul came to pick her up after his shift, I was so emotionally drained that I fell asleep the moment that we got into the room. Sleep though didn't last long because Isaac woke up calling for me.

Britt tried to go to him but he kept shaking his head and calling for his Mami.

I pushed out of the bed after listening to Britt trying to reason with him over the baby monitor. She was trying so hard to let me sleep but the truth of the matter was that I had slept for too many hours already today.

When I walked into the nursery I found her on her knees trying to play peek-a-boo with him but he kept whining.

 _"Hey Pa-Papa, giving yo-your Mama a hard time?"_ I said as I walked over to stand beside a kneeling Britt.

 _"Mami!"_ he shrieked for the first time and pulled himself to his feet. I had never seen him do that and it blew me away, two firsts at once. He was growing too fast, I leaned over and picked him up.

The moment that Isaac was in my arms, he laid his head on my neck and started humming himself back to sleep. I rubbed his back as I rocked on my feet and began to sing to him. After a few minutes he was out cold, so I put him back in the crib and tucked him in.

Britt had stayed quiet the entire time.

When I looked down, I could see that she had fallen asleep with her head leaned against the changing table. She had purple bruises under her eyes from the exhaustion and it made my stomach turn. She was exhausted and it was barely eight thirty.

I knelt beside her and kissed her face a few times but she didn't budge.

 _"B?"_ I said as I pressed forward more and kissed her lips. At first nothing happened but then I felt her press her lips against mine.

* * *

I was lost in the kiss as she pulled us to our feet, backing us out of the room until I felt the cool air of the hallway on my back.

 _"I'm sorry to interrupt."_ I groaned as I remembered my new house guest. I pulled away from Britt and looked her in her eyes.

 _"Britt, go ahead and lay down okay? I ne-need to talk to Rachel. I'll be in soon."_ I leaned in and kissed her as she nodded and then shuffled into our bedroom and shut the door softly.

I turned to Rachel and finally got a good look at her.

She had apparently showered and was now wearing an old lady nightgown.

I snickered and then gestured towards my office. I needed to lay down some ground rules if she was going to be staying in the same house as my children and my wife.

The new Rachel Berry was more ruthless and reckless. I didn't really trust her but she needed someone to believe in her and since she believed in me even when I didn't deserve it, I decided to return the favor.

It was the adult thing to do.

I shut the door to the office and then sat down on the big comfy sofa. I patted the cushion next to me and waited for her to make her way over.

When she sat down, that's when I caught a hint of a smell, I leaned closer and could see that she was a little bleary eyed.

 _"Are you dr-drunk?"_ I asked flat out.

_"I'm sobering up currently."_

_"How of-often do you drink Rachel?"_ I said as I tried to maintain eye contact.

_"Every day, every night. Most of the time."_

_"Y-You will not dr-drink in this house or come back here dr-drunk. Got it?"_

_"Yes. Thank you, Santana. I'm aware that I may be developing a bit of a problem."_

_"Wh-What are you going to do about it."_

_"What does it matter? I already failed."_ She said as she looked down at her hands.

 _"Look at me, Rachel."_ I said. Slowly she raised her head just enough so that she could look me in the eyes. _"You are better than this."_ I reached out and took her hand in mine. _"Y-You can't give up on y-yourself._ _So many good th-things are waiting for you."_

 _"Do you really think so?"_ She said, for the first time looking at me with hopeful eyes.

_"I know so Rachel."  
_

_"Can I hug you?"_ she said softly. _"It would seem that both of us are in dire need-"  
_

 _"Shut up."_ I said as I opened my arms and allowed her to wrap her arms around me. She leaned against me and then quickly pulled away but then I pulled her back and wrapped my arms around her.

 _"I don't get why you are being so nice to me."_ she whispered.

_"Because...I w-won't let you give up on yourself. I l-love you, I gu-guess."  
_

_"Thanks, Santana. I love you too."_ she said as we pulled away from each other.

* * *

When I climbed in bed the first thing that I noticed was that Britt was still awake. She was lying there on the bed staring at our daughter and crying.

 _"Are you okay?"_ we both said simultaneously.

 _"Jinx!"_ I laughed against her back.

_"What happened in there, Ana?"  
_

_"Mami...w-wouldn't stop yelling, so Mari took the baby and l-locked herself in the b-bathroom. Mami k-kept going. I t-tried to reason with her but she wanted to ar-argue."  
_

_"You hit her Ana."_ I sighed heavily as I thought about how I had snapped and physically assaulted my own mother, the same woman that threw herself in front of my father's blows to protect me from him.

_"I kn-know. It was wr-wrong. I know."  
_

_"I-I don't even know what to say."_ she said before slowly turning so that we were eye to eye. _"So much happened tonight and then tomorrow, I have to go back to work. I asked Q to stay with you, she said she would so at least you won't be alone."  
_

_"Th-Thanks."_

_"I would take off but I have to check in on Ari and talk to Frank about her. I'm so tired but I can't take time off."_

_"N-No worries. S-Save your t-time."_

_"You sure?"_

_"Yes."_ _  
_

_"I just want everything to be okay again."  
_

_"So do I, Britt Britt. So do I."  
_

_"I'm sorry that you woke up to all that." S_ he rested her forehead against mine and ran her finger slowly up and down my arm.

_"It was un-unavoidable. I j-just need to g-give myself time to mourn my sister and my ne-nephews but I can't allow myself to b-become lost."  
_

_"So you are just going to ignore it? Deflect? Isn't that what you have been trying to move past?"  
_

_"Yea...you're right. This...j-just doesn't seem real."_

What else was I supposed to do?

This was reality and just like I told Rachel, I wouldn't give up.

Not just on her, but on me.

I was worth it.

Or at least I would be.


	37. Smile (Juice WRLD & The Weeknd)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The loss of my sister and nephews hit me in the middle of the night. I startled awake at the sound of my baby's little grunts. When I looked to my left there's Britt feeding the baby from a bottle with dark circles under her eyes.

When I looked at the clock it said that it's just 2 in the morning, which meant I had only been asleep two hours or so. Britt was in tears as she whispered softly to the baby and didn't realize I was awake at first until I touched her leg.

She looked at me and shuffled closer, so our hips touched.

I sat up and rested my head on her shoulder and just let the tears come.

My heart felt so heavy, yet vacant.

_"Your phone has been buzzing for a few minutes, did it wake you?"_

I shrugged and didn't even bother to look at my phone. I needed this time to myself, without disruption from the outside.

There was coughing over the baby monitor, dry and hacking.

 _"Oh no."_ I said and then shakingly got out of the bed, B looked like she wanted to stop me but I needed to be busy if I had to be awake. I wrapped my robe around myself, aware that I had an extra person in my house that I didn't want to flash.

When I got to Isaac, he was laying there crying silently with his Elmo against his chest. I turned the light on and he looked glassy eyed at me.

 _"Papa?"_ I called and he continued taking shallow breaths.

I put medicine in his machine and got it ready for him, then I dropped the bar on his crib and lifted him out of the crib. His whole body was damp and hot. I leaned close to the monitor.

_"B, I th-think he has a fever."_

I sat down in the glider and slipped his mask on his face. He looked at me with more tears and I kissed his sweaty little head. Guilt still plagued me but I wasn't trying to shove it down, instead I hugged him tighter to me.

Britt came in without the baby with a thermometer in her hand.

She ran it over his forehead and then looked at it with worried eyes.

_"103. I'm going to call Dr. C."_

_"Ok. Wh-What should I do?"_

_"You're doing exactly what you need to do. That usually brings his fever down a little, if I'm not back before it's done, put his coat on. I think we are going to have to take him to the hospital."_

_"Ok."_ She leaned in and kissed my forehead.

_"Relax, baby. He will vibe off of you and if you get all worked up, he'll start crying which will make it harder to breathe."_

Thank God for B.

I took a deep breath and rubbed Isaac's back, humming to him. He relaxed further against me as his machine buzzed loudly.

It sucked that this was his normal and I wished that I could go back, throw away the drugs and fix it all.

And then...like a lightbulb, it went off. I did have that chance. Right now, with Daniela.

Who knew what taking pills while breastfeeding was doing her and I had that power to reflect on what I'm doing right in this moment.

I had a new resolve, I couldn't just talk about it with Rachel and not do it for myself and my kids.

Life was way too short for me to keep sabotaging myself.

How many times had I come to this realization and then backslid?

Fuck my life, I needed to do better.

* * *

Once Dr. C agreed that taking Isaac in was best, Britt helped me get his bag ready then picked him up while I held my baby girl. She was still asleep and while it was probably a good idea to leave her home, I didn't want to bug Quinn.

She had her own shit.

Britt didn't argue it, she just helped me down the stairs so I didn't fall.

Isaac was breathing a little easier but he was still wheezing as we made our way through an empty midtown towards the hospital.

Once we got in, they immediately took him into triage and then right into tests.

_"Santana Lopez?"_

I looked up from my seat in the corner, I had been trying to get Daniela to latch on but she was so worked up that she wouldn't. I was getting frustrated. A doctor was standing a few feet from me. I situated myself under my jacket and then stood to my feet with my crying baby in my hands.

 _"Yes? Is my son okay?"_ I said as I rocked the baby.

_"He has bronchitis. I saw his history and I don't think sending him home would be the best for him. You're doing what you can but he'll get the resources here to get better faster."_

_"Okay but he's going to be okay right?"_

_"It's my hope...is this your other child?"_

_"Yes."_ He was looking at Daniela and then back at me.

_"Have you had your house checked for mold?"_

_"Excuse me?"_ I was thrown off by his question.

_"Your son's lungs were irritated and I'm wondering if it might be because of mold...it's a common problem...especially with all the dampness."_

_"So you think it might be mold? I'll get it checked out...can we see him."_ Britt asked.

_"Yes. Follow me."_

Mold? Really?

In New York? In February?

What gives? I just wanted to like freeze time and take a nap. This was all just becoming too much.

Britt held my hand as I shoved the pacifier in the baby's mouth before handing her over. Within seconds of being with Britt, Daniela calmed down and I rolled my eyes.

 _"Rude."_ I muttered and Britt gave me a tired smile.

When we saw Isaac, he was attached to wires and had a mask over his face. I began to cry as I brushed his curls away from his face and kissed his face.

Britt rubbed my back as I got worked up again.

_"Breathe baby, let him see you smile."_

Isaac was staring at me with watery eyes and I hated that I was getting him upset, so I wiped my face and put on my best smile.

 _"I love you, P-Papa. Ki ki?"_ I asked him and he nodded.

So I kissed as much as his face as I could without bothering the mask.

He smiled and then closed his eyes.

I pressed my hand to his chest and bowed my head in prayer. Britt joined in and then, even though I didn't want to.

We left him.

And I hated it but this was best.

* * *

Once we were back in the car, I looked at my phone since it had been buzzing earlier.

**_Hey...we really need to talk!-Ari_ **

This was a girl who LOVES sleep, so if she was up in the middle of the night, either she had heard about Brenda or she had something else on her mind. Either way, I couldn't leave her on read.

We got into the house and Daniela was still awake. It seemed like the formula wasn't helping her sleep, she needed the comfort of the boob.

Britt laid next to me drifting close to sleep.

**_Call me then, I'm awake.-Ana_ **

_"Need to t-talk to Ari, want me to l-leave the room?"_ I asked her but she just buried her face against my hip threw her arm around my waist.

Okay then.

I settled Daniela in the crook of my arm and got her all set up. I couldn't deny her anything right now and if she wanted the comfort of my boob, it was fine by me.

I had just gotten her situated when my phone started to vibrate.

Britt let out a snore and cuddled even closer, throwing her leg over mine. I couldn't leave if I wanted to.

I quickly grabbed the phone and pressed it to my ear. This was the first call I was getting from Ari since I left her in the hospital a week ago, I'd given her the space that she'd asked for and now it seemed that she had some things to say.

* * *

_"Hey, Ari...h-how are you feeling?"_

_"Let's cut to the chase. I'm not calling about me. This is about you and Moncho, he called me worried that you might turn yourself in?"_ she said in a crackly voice.

_"I...um...I don't th-think so?"_

_"No?"_

_"No. I...have big th-things happening here."_

_"Okay, that's a relief because I know that you have that whole_ _Catholic guilt that you are carting around because I have that too, I get it but if you think that you have something to atone for, more than Moncho, then you are insane. He doesn't want you to get pulled away from your kids. He doesn't want you to go down because of what he did."_

_"And I won't."_ I wasn't sure what she knew but there was no way I would go into it over the phone. Not talking about what had happened was best for everyone. The less people that knew, the better. "I th-think I'm going to leave the h-heavy lifting to Mami if this co-comes against me."

_"That's a good idea, your mom is by far one of the smartest people that I have ever met, Anita. Yes, she was absent and she was a bit neglectful but she is a damn good lawyer. Even though I don't know the details of how you're wrapped up in this and I don't need to know, talk to your mom and actually listen to her."_

_"Wh-Why are you worrying ab-about me right now, Ari?"_

_"Because ultimately, you would do it for me."_ she said with a quiver in her voice. _"Did you ever talk to Britt about saving my spot?"_

 _"She is go-going in today to talk to th-them."_ I was about to speak again when I felt the phone being taken from me.

Britt still had her head pressed against me as she put the phone to her ear.

_"Hey Ari, I'm going to fight for you. They LOVE you and with the script not even being completed yet, you have time. Just fight this...yes...I promise you...yeah, okay. I'll tell her. Good night."_

Britt ended the call and then looked at the time, she let out a huge yawn then smiled at me.

_"What?"_

_"You're beautiful, girl. God, even at this hour with a boob out and you sadder than sad, you are still so beautiful."_ She said with a grin.

_"Th-Thanks, baby...you are super h-hot too."_

_"I know. I have two h-hours. No more calls."_ I nodded and then took my phone from her.

The baby had stopped sucking and I looked down to see her face relaxed and drool going down her cheek.

I burped her and then I tucked her into the bassinet, way too tired to go to the nursery.

With boob milk, she slept for at least three hours so hopefully that meant, I could get some real sleep...because now, at almost 5, I felt exhausted.

I curled up against Britt and fell into a deep sleep with a million things on my mind.

 _"Shh."_ She said in her sleep, kissing my face and then letting out a snort.

Even in sleep, she was making me smile.

Britt was the light in all of this...my rock.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

There were about two whole years in high school where I slept for only short bursts because my pills kept me from really sleeping. So I have adjusted really well to losing hours of sleep.

Add that to having an entire week in Lake George, I was feeling more rested than I should after only having about three hours of sleep. I woke up to my alarm and expected my wife to be snuggled against me but she wasn't.

I had little time to stress, so I checked in on the baby...she slept still, thankfully. The monitor was nowhere in sight so that meant that wherever Ana was, the monitor was too.

She had a lot on her mind and I couldn't blame her for not being able to sleep.

The hot shower woke me up more and when I came out, there was a mug of coffee on the sink just how I liked it.

It made me smile.

She'd thought of me.

I brushed my teeth and my hair, before carrying the mug into the walk-in closet. As I picked out my comfiest track suit, one that Sue had given Ana that was way too big for her. Thanks, Sue. I raised my mug and took a long sip.

Perfect.

I got dressed quietly and quickly before coming out into the bedroom.

Ana sat at the edge of the bed, completely showered and dressed, eating a bagel off a tray as she changed the baby's clothes. It was good to see her being a mom and it was good to see her eating without being forced.

 _"Hey, baby."_ I said. She smiled softly at me and then nodded her head towards the nightstand.

_"Walked to the c-cart. Got you a b-bagel sandwich."_

_"By yourself?"_ I asked.

_"Yeah. Ne-Needed to walk."_

I don't know why that made me nervous...actually, I knew exactly why but I just nodded. _"Thanks, baby."_

_"S-Sure. Mami is on her way over, sh-she wants to go see M-Marco. He c-called her."_

_"Wait, he did?"_

_"W-Wanted her to give him a re-referral."_

_"But he's a lawyer, shouldn't he know a million other lawyers?"_

_"Crooked ones."_

_"Oh. So she wants you to go with her, why?"_

_"To br-bring the baby and he ask-asked for me."_

_"No. I'm not cool with you taking our newborn to a prison, I don't care if he is half her DNA, she's not going to a prison."_ I was angrily eating my bagel sandwich as I glared at her and while at first her face was stone, she finally broke. Tears creeped from her eyes and she wiped them away, annoyed that they dared to come out of her eyes.

 _"F-Fine."_ She said and began taking the sweater off the baby. _"Sh-She doesn't need th-this then."_ And then she took off the pretty bow headband she'd put on her. _"Or me."_ The last thing came out as a whisper but I'd heard it. I put my sandwich down and knelt in front of her.

 _"Hey."_ I called but she looked away. _"Look at me."_

She looked at me with all the hurt in her eyes...it hurt that I had broken her facade but it wasn't that strong to begin with. Then her eyes flickered, she was about to lie...I could feel it coming.

 _"I w-was just trying to be n-nice and make everyone happy. I got y-you br-breakfast and m-made coffee. Wh-Why did you have to yell?"_ She whined and I just squeezed her hands while also keeping an eye out for the baby who was babbling to the ceiling.

_"I'm sorry about that."_

_"No, it's f-fine. Sh-She can st-stay. I'll ask Q to l-look after her."_

_"No, I'll take her. Put her sweater back on and her bow, please? I don't plan to stay at work all day, there's really not much to do but go over plans for the play. Maybe having a cute baby with me while I drop the Ari news and the funeral news, will help the tension."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Positive. Plus, to lay it on extra thick, I was going to suggest we all go to the hospital and get our marrow tested as a show of support. I can stop in to see my little buddy, while I'm there."_

_"Th-Thanks, B. Yo-You're amazing."_

_"We're a team, you don't have to thank me. I love having your back. Besides, you fed me and gave me coffee, I'd do anything for you right now."_

_"I'll k-keep that in mind."_ She winked and finally smiled at me.

I kissed her lips and then stood back to my feet.

The clock said I had ten minutes to get to the theater but they could wait.

My family came first.

* * *

Ana pumped another bottle's worth of milk before packing up the diaper bag and sending me and Dani on our way.

I wanted to wait for Gladys to show up, just in case there was another slapping incident but I really didn't want to piss off Frank and August.

They had been on edge about keeping me on for a really long time and bring in Frankie in had saved my job...and I think bringing Ari in had secured it.

Now though, I was going to be showing up at work an hour late with a baby in tow, with a bomb to drop...all without Frankie, who had texted me that she was heading back to L.A. with Siobhan and how they already found a renter for their place.

It'd been a week and she had left the moment that she realized that I couldn't get in the way, which was probably best for all of us.

The baby was babbling in her stroller as we walked the few blocks to the theater.

I kept rehearsing my speech for my bosses and was so wrapped up in exactly what to say that I was stunned when I saw Ari, wrapped in a big coat looking pale as snow waiting outside the theater.

_"What are you doing here?"_

_"I got out of the hospital, knew you were going to talk to them and figured I should be here with you."_

_"I'm an hour late, how long have you been out here?"_

_"Ten minutes."_

_"Well let's get inside."_

_"Is that my little preciosa bella, Dani?"_

_"It is."_

Ari's face lit up as she peeked in the stroller and then squeezed the baby's foot.

_"Just seeing her made standing out here worth it, honestly."_

Ari held the door open for me so I could push the stroller inside, I parked it in the foyer and then put the baby in my carrier before glancing over at Ari. She was hanging our coats up and smiled at me softly.

 _"How's Ana?"_ She asked.

_"As well as can be expected after everything last night."_

_"What happened?"_

_"Her-"_ I got cut off by Frank yelling from the stage where Tony had been showing him and August some moves.

_"Brittany! Who's that with you? Did you bring a baby to work?"_

As we got closer and he saw that it was a paler and thinner Ari, his demeanor changed.

_"Ariana! What a great surprise, are you unwell?"_

I could see from the smirk on Ari's face that she was more than capable of sucking up to Frank, something I hadn't been able to master.

_"Hi, Frank. Sorry that Britt is late, she was waiting for me to show up. I really wanted to talk to you and August."_

_"Oh, well, that's understandable. Let's head up to the mobile office, shall we."_ He whistled up to August and Tony and waved them down to the front row.

I stayed standing since the baby was calm and when you were too still while holding her she'd start wailing.

Ari stood beside me, looking a little unsteady.

_"I have Cancer, it's a lifelong battle. I've been in remission for six years until about two months ago. I had a bone marrow transplant in January, I spent my month healing then I auditioned but I was feeling sick again. Brittany and Santana pushed me to go get seen a week ago. The transplant didn't take unfortunately. So I'm back on chemo, I just finished a week of intense treatment. I came straight here from the hospital."_

Frank looked like he as going to cry and so did everyone else, Ari looked tired so I took her arm and helped her to sit down. She smiled gratefully at me and kissed the top of her head. We were linked for life. Even if she'd slept with Ana, for some reason I didn't mind. Like if Ana came to me and said I want you both forever, I'd make that concession for Ari. She was just that special to the both of us.

I clapped my hands together and everyone looked at me.

_"Ari was worried that you'd recast her part. This is her dream and she promised me that she was going to fight like hell for it. She needs good bone marrow, I thought instead of going over dances that Tony and I could do in our sleep...we could all go get tested as a show support."_

Frank nodded as he wiped his tears. He turned to Ari and took her hand. _"Ariana, you have nothing to worry about. Your spot is secure and when it comes to your understudy, we will make sure that we get nothing less than the best and you will choose that person. Thank you for your honesty, we'd all be honored to get tested for you."_

_"Thanks, Frank...I was tempted to quit but Britt is so passionate about this play and about me being the lead, I couldn't let her down. She's a good one."_

See what I mean?

I'd marry this girl if I wasn't so head over heels for Ana.

When people think I'm innocent, if anyone still thought that, I would just want to point them to Ari.

How could you not love her?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

By the time that Mami got to the house, I was wired. I'd cleaned the whole downstairs, mopping and everything. Then I made more coffee for Q, who I insisted shouldn't waste my money and should go to school.

I practically pushed her out the door with a mug of coffee and told her not to come back until she learned something.

Then I took another shower and then cleaned up my bedroom and nursery after getting dressed.

Cleaning had helped me to center myself a bit. I was beginning to compartmentalize. I was sad about Brenda and the boys but I wasn't allowing myself to really feel it. I would save that for the funeral.

Today was for getting facts on Marco's case and making sure that I wasn't going down with him and Mami was going to help me with that but I had to apologize for our fight and I needed to keep her calm...and willing to help me.

Marco had taught me well, there was a time and a place for everything and I needed to keep my eye on the prize.

When Mami walked in, it was to an immaculate and entirely silent house. I handed her a mug of coffee and waved her to the sofa.

_"I know my sweet prince is in the hospital but where is the baby, you said you were bringing her when we talked this morning."_

I sat down across from her and picked up my own mug that wasn't completely coffee...a girl needed a little liquid courage this morning and since I hadn't been cleared to drive, what was the harm in a little pick me up?

 _"B has her. Sh-She w-wanted us be able to focus."_ I said, not wanting to bring up the fact that Britt had put her foot down because any bit of dominance that Britt showed threw up red flags for Mami and I was trying to keep her calm.

_"Oh, well that was nice of her."_

_"So, Mami...I just w-wanted...I'm sorry for h-hitting you. That was wrong. I'm so ashamed of m-myself."_

She sniffed and then wiped away my tears.

_"Think nothing of it. I could see it on your face last night, how sorry you were after Britt calmed you. Just know that if you ever lift your hand to me again, that will be the last time. Entiendes?"_

_"Yes, Mami."_

_"Good now that we got that out of the way, let's talk about what you'll say and do in the presence of Marco and the cops."_

_"Y-You don't think I should t-turn myself in do you?"_

_"Who's here?"_

_"Just us. We can t-talk freely."_

_"Good. That was smart to get rid of extra people. Tell me what happened, every bit of it and I will tell you how we will pin all of it on Marco because he owes you everything. Anything you did was ultimately at his hand and if he is as good now as you say he's been trying to be, he won't let you go down. It's best though, if I know everything so I can properly defend you and be ready for anything he might say."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

Mami and I sat down at the cool metal table in the center of an interrogation room. She leaned in and then cupped her mouth with her hand.

_"Remember that anything we say in here might be heard. So let me do the talking. Okay?"_

I felt a chill run through me and nodded my head. I sat back and looked around the cold gray room and thought about this drab place being my new home. There was no fucking way I'd allow that, I could just picture my kids coming to see me here then I thought of how adamant Britt had been about Daniela not coming here.

Would I even get to see my kids if I ended up in jail?

Probably not, which strengthened my resolve, I was not going to end up here if I could help it. The door buzzed and in walked Marco with a guard.

He looked scruffy but still tried to walk with the haughty demeanor. Marco has one of the strongest senses of pride that I had ever come across so this behavior didn't surprise me. The guard went and sat in the far corner of the room after handcuffing Marco's hands to the table top.

I looked into my ex-husband's eyes and didn't find what I had expected. He still looked like the sweeter version of himself that he'd been showing. There was no cockiness just a sense of remorse and compassion.

Then he looked into my eyes and raised an eyebrow, I had to look away.

 _"Anita..."_ He began but I shook my head at him and he looked to Mami instead but I could sense his concern. Thankfully though, he kept it to himself. _"What can I do for you ladies?"_ he said with no hint of malice.

 _"What's the status of your case?"_ Mami asked bluntly.

_"Ahh...I see...well, Gladys, I simply told them the truth, how I killed that girl and how I dumped her body. I led them to her and any DNA they found was mine. What was surprising was that they only found my DNA given how much that girl got around that night."_

He was hinting at something. The cops knew nothing about me.

* * *

 _"Wait, r-really?"_ I said in shock. Mami squeezed my leg under the table and shot me a warning glare before looking back towards Marco. He was smirking and I knew the look, it was one that told me something different than anyone else could see.

It said, I SEE YOU.

But out loud he said something different entirely.

 _"See Ana, being controlled looks good on you."_ I swallowed the nausea in my mouth, he was right and I knew it. I was taught to be led and that hadn't changed, even with B.

 _"Why did you confess?"_ Mami asked, trying to get the conversation back on track.

_"Something broke in me...watching Ana struggled with an addiction that I stuck her with. Seeing my own daughter, so pure. I couldn't let someone else take the fall for this. I needed to atone for all that I've done. I killed that girl, plain and simple."_

_"Have you already been tried?"_

_"Yes. Quick and swift...I made a deal, ten years and I sang like a birdie, I gave names and everything. Never thought I'd be a snitch but at least this way I can see Daniela in ten years instead of 30...if Anita even lets me. I mean, she's not here now so...I guess I still need to do more work on myself."_

_I gave a curt nod and he kept glancing at me...it was making me paranoid, thankfully Mami was here to keep steering the conversation._

_"What about all the girls that worked for you?"_

_"Immunity. I may have been disbarred but I still know how to work the system."_

_"Look, I'm just concerned for my daughter, how this might affect her in her future career and as your ex-wife."_

_"It shouldn't affect her at all unless she wants it to. If I were her..."_ he looked me straight in my eyes with a pleading glance, _"I would spend my energy taking care of my kids. Maybe even leave this rotten city. I just want Ana to keep her nose clean."_ he nodded at me and then looked at Gladys. _"I'm really sorry for what I put your family through. My prima reminded me the other night of just how important family is. I had forgotten."_

* * *

I sat in the car and just stared out of the window thinking about what Marco had said. Mami had stayed behind to talk to him a little more after I left, mainly things about what he needed in his commissary. She was doing what we Lopez's do best, she was paying him off.

Covering her bases.

The door to the car opened and my mother stepped inside with an air of confidence.

She looked over at me and I met her eyes.

_"Put your seatbelt on."_

_"Not yet...I need to talk about this."_ I said as I placed a hand on the steering wheel.

_"Right here?"_

_"Mami...do you think this is over? That we can just walk away so easily? I don't trust him."_

_"Yea...me either. I talked to him some more, asked him about the places you guys went that night, about cameras and people that you might come across. He says that the issue stayed between the two of you until you said something. I believed him. He told them that he had a friend help him dump the body...he said that he couldn't locate that person though. They know it was a woman and they are looking for her...for you. So you can either talk to the cops or go home. Either way I'm here to support you."_

_"What does he think that I should do?"_

_"He told you. He wants you to keep your nose clean. Stay out of it."_

_"And you?"_

_"I think that if you turn yourself in, you could get hit with 2nd degree murder, easily. You'd get a life sentence, mi'ja. You intended to kill someone with that bleach...even if it wasn't this girl. Marco is choosing to throw himself in front of you for this and I would let him but it's entirely up to you mija. Whatever you think will be able to absolve your conscience. Just know that if you want to go into politics or be famous...someone could dig this up if you do time or even get a deal. I just want the best for you, so tell me what you want. I have your back through anything, Nanita...even this."_

I dropped my head and nodded as I thought it over. She was right but I was a woman of color in a crooked system. If they hadn't implicated me in a crime, then I wasn't going to just throw myself to the wolves. I had a sister and nephews to bury, an addiction to nix, and a son in the hospital.

Marco owed me so much and if he wanted to take the fall for this, I'd let him.

_"T-Take me home."_

_"You're sure?"_

_"Yes."_ I said with finality.

Britt was waiting at the door for me when we got to the house, with a huge smile on her face.

She was like a beacon of light.

I went flying into her arms and openly wept on my front stoop not caring who saw.

Right now, every moment needed to revolve around my family.

I had come too close to losing them.

Life was too short to not learn from your mistakes.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was super anxious after getting out of being tested and having a long voicemail from Ana.

She told me everything...how she intended to kill Mr. Evans with the bleach and that's why she thinks he shot at me. She told me how Marco had made a deal for less time and flipped on all his contacts but got immunity for all the girls who worked that summer. Which meant her.

He was going down for this and leaving her to raise Daniela without his influence, how she was thinking of turning herself in but wasn't sure yet and how she loved me.

I sat there on the front stoop, anxiously waiting for her when she texted and told me she was coming home.

The baby was inside with Q, who seemed equally nervous about things.

But when I saw her step out of the car, I couldn't help but smile.

She was beautiful, even with tear stained cheeks and a shaky smile.

I squeezed her tight and then whispered something good into her ear.

_"I'm a perfect match."_

And she broke, kissing my face over and over again on the front step in front of Q and her mom and the whole street.

_"That's a-amazing."_

And it was.

Maybe we'd be alright.


	38. Cross Me (Ed Sheeran & PnB Rock feat. Chance the Rapper)

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

After I got tested to see if I was a match for Ari, I went straight to see Izzy.

He was asleep when I got there and that twitch that he had after he was born was back.

At home he only had a mask on his face when he was getting a treatment but right now he had one, with no loud noise coming from a machine.

He had dark circles under his eyes and looked so lonely in there.

The baby whined in her carrier and brushed a hand over her little nearly bald head. The noise woke up Izzy though, his eyes opened and he looked so confused then his face wrinkled and he started to cry.

I reached my hand through the bars of his crib and touched his leg.

Our eyes met and he reached for me but with Dani in my arms, there was no way that I could pick him up too.

 _"Need some help?"_ A scratchy voice said from just behind me.

I turned to look and there was Frankie, standing there looking worse than I had ever seen her.

 _"What are you doing here?"_ I asked, my eyes back on my son.

_"I never left. I lied. Me and Sio are separated at the moment and she took the baby with her to Cali. I got a call from Frank and August to come get tested for Ari. They told me where you were."_

_"Oh."_

_"I can hold her while you visit with him...I don't mind."_

I knew how angry with Frankie, Ana had been and I knew that she probably wouldn't be a fan of Frankie holding our newborn but right now, Izzy needed that skin to skin from one of his parents.

So I unstrapped the baby from my chest and handed her to Frankie without much protest.

I waved at the nurse and she came over, looking way less nice than Nurse Becky but she still smiled down at my son.

_"Is it alright if I hold him? When he was born we'd do skin to skin and it seemed to help...he looks so lonely."_

_"Are you his mother?"_ She asked picking up his chart, looking for the names of his parents.

_"One of, yes. I'm Brittany Lopez."_

She checked the chart again and then nodded curtly, her whole demeanor changed. I knew that look, it was the one that judgmental people back home would get when they saw two women being moms.

But she wasn't as rude as Lima people, instead she pointed to a glider next to his crib and waited for me to sit down.

Then she lifted up Izzy and put him into my outstretched arms.

Once he had his face pressed against my chest, he sighed.

He was clinging to me and I knew that it was going to be hard to let him go when it was time to leave but I would stay for as long as I was allowed to.

Just like his Mami, the moment he was cuddled in my arms, he fell asleep.

I glanced over at Frankie and she was staring back at me.

 _"This was what I wanted...with you."_ She said and I knew we were entering dangerous territory.

 _"Don't."_ I warned.

_"I love my wife and I know that you love yours too but think about how good we could have been. Our babies dancing around our legs...far away from drugs and ultimatums. He wouldn't be in here right now."_

_"Frankie please...she's getting better. I can't listen to you rant about Santana. Not again...I mean you like her, you're friendly but every time you get in your feelings, you tell me how much better we could be."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"You're not."_

_"Just...can you promise me that if there's ever a chance again...for us. That you'll let me know?"_

_"No...that's just it. She has my heart and my kids. Santana is everything for me no matter what. I will always work to make our lives better. She's my OTP. I will never not be with her."_

_"Never say never, B."_

_"NEVER."_ I said and then I went back to rocking my son when he began to whine, until he fell asleep again. Once he did, I eased him back into his crib and then took Dani back from her. _"I think you should go."_

_"Just like that?"_

_"Yes, you need to go back to California and go fix your shit with your wife. Make her your priority. I'm never going to be an option for you, Frankie. Ever."_

_"You've told me things like that before but then you still hit on me in my car...remember?"_

_"Look, I will choose Santana EVERY TIME. If you can't get that, I can't be your friend anymore. I appreciate all the stuff you've done for me, getting me this job and letting me stay with you for a bit but that was because we were friends nothing more. She is my everything. I got confused before, my brain was all messed up but now, I'm not. I know what I want and what I need, both of those things are Santana. Got it?"_

_"Got it."_

* * *

My conversation with Frankie had set me on edge, all I wanted after that was to go home to my wife and make love to her. I wanted to feel her all around me and make her understand that I was hers. That even through all this bullshit with the pills and whatever drama Marco had wrapped her in, that I was going to still be hers.

It wasn't until today that I realized what Mom had say all those months ago. I could never leave my 80 for my 20 and I didn't want to.

So, it was with that kind of feeling in my heart and mind that I went home with every intention to be the love and teammate that my wife needed.

What I didn't expect was to have to do that from the very first moment that I saw her.

After months of dealing with her coke addiction, there a few things I have come to know as a fact...first of those things is recognizing when my wife is coming down from a high.

When I told her that I was a match and she kissed me with a horny growl in her throat even in front of her mother, I had my suspicions.

 _"Are you staying for dinner?"_ I asked Gladys, even though I really wanted her to leave.

_"Oh, no. I am going to see a show with Hector tonight. He's been on his own all morning, Lord only knows what he's gotten himself into."_

She hugged me tight and then kissed my wife's face before heading out.

Quinn gave hugs and kisses before rushing out the door while she dragged Rachel along with her, to keep an eye on her.

A part of me wondered if she really had a class or if she had seen it too and was giving us space and taking the other addict with her.

Whatever her reason, I was grateful that it was just me, Ana, and a baby who was just one hour from her bedtime.

 _"How'd it go today, baby?"_ I asked her as I watched her rearrange the refrigerator.

 _"G-Good...wh-where is my uh...shit it's a mess in here."_ She mumbled. Finally, she grabbed a bottle of water and closed the door.

Dani was babbling as I held her cradled like a football. I tried to play it cool as I watched Ana put her water down and scratch up and down her arms before rubbing her palms. At least that's what she did until she noticed I was watching.

Her eyes dropped and then she chugged her water down.

Coke highs can last about a half hour for her...if she takes just one hit but if she takes more than one...well that's at least and hour and a half.

She had been alone with her mom all morning so there was no way.

That's what I told myself.

She hadn't used coke since May, that I knew for sure. Even when she found Carmen's coke, she didn't take any of it but then her brain got broken a bit and her sister and nephews died...up until today she'd been worried about Ari and then there was Marco...so many things had changed.

In the past six months the amount of deaths was daunting.

Ian.

Nico.

Abuela.

Court.

Sandra's unborn baby.

Brenda.

Ethan Jr.

Brendan.

How could she even keep her head up?

Not to mention that I had gone into crisis and she'd nearly died herself.

The fact that she'd been able to stay away from coke this long was a miracle.

And I needed her to know that I understood.

This wasn't pills, something she was just using to zone out...this was her achilles heel.

I wouldn't punish her for this, not in the way that other people would expect me to.

No, she needed something else entirely.

Frankie would be laughing in my face right now but fuck her for thinking that I would turn my back on Ana...ever again.

* * *

 _"What do you want to eat for dinner?"_ I asked her, once I was sure she wasn't high in this moment and passed the baby to her. She was feeding her with a bottle thankfully as she smiled down at her.

My wife was still here, at least enough for me to not feel super worried as I stood there waiting for an answer.

 _"Not h-hungry."_ She muttered.

_"Tough shit, baby...you're not skipping any meals. Tell me what you want?"_

She looked up at me in shock...once again, I was on edge.

_"Uh...wow. Um...wh-whatever you make."_

_"Leftovers from yesterday?"_ I asked, knowing that was the most simple thing.

 _"Sure."_ She said, dazed looking and then she was staring at the baby again, whispering sweet things to her as I heated up two plates for us.

I kept wavering, was she or wasn't she coming down from something?

Was I being paranoid?

Her phone rang and she stared down it for a long moment, then she glanced back at me and I smiled at her.

_"Everything okay?"_

_"Yeah."_ She muttered and then went back to looking at our little girl. Her phone went off again, twice in the time it took me to put our plates on a serving tray with drinks.

_"Let's eat upstairs, so we can have some us time."_

_"Okay."_ She said, getting up from the table and cradling the baby just like the precious thing she was. I hated how nervous she seemed and knew she needed to not be concerned with me being upset with her. The best way to do that was to distract her.

I carried the tray up the stairs as she rode by my side in the chair lift.

_"I saw Izzy today, he's not doing much better. The doctor told me that he's going to be there for at least a week. I told him about the funeral coming up and he promised me Izzy wouldn't be getting out any time soon."_

_"Oh. Th-That makes me...h-happy and sad."_ She admitted.

I put the tray down on the window sill and then helped her out of the chair. The baby was calm and looking milk drunk. Keeping her in the room with us had been the constant.

Right now though, Ana needed to be able to break without getting the baby worked up. So, I nodded towards the nursery and then picked up the tray and followed my wife, watching and waiting as she changed a diaper and then swaddled Dani.

She was a natural and I loved watching her.

I just wish she truly understood her greatness.

* * *

Ana was on to me, kinda. She was just not ruffling my feathers, like normal.

Instead, she ate dinner without complaint and then she rode the chair lift down and put the tray in the kitchen while I gave the baby a bath.

By the time I was back in the room, I was convinced that I had just been overly nervous after my argument with Frankie.

I went into the closet to change my clothes and there she was at her vanity, nose to the glass snorting a line.

My gut hadn't lied.

She took a small breath and started a second line but then she stopped abruptly. Her hand flew to her chest and she was gasping for air.

Our eyes met in the mirror and she looked panicked.

I ran into our bedroom and grabbed her inhaler before running back and shoving it between her lips.

There were tears in her bouncing eyes now.

She was learning the lesson that I couldn't teach her.

Coke would kill her.

This wasn't a year or two ago.

Her body wasn't the same and she couldn't just be casual about coke.

After she took two puffs, she sat there staring down at the coke and then she began sobbing, her shaky hands covering her face.

 _"Sorry, Sorry, Sorry! Fuck!"_ She muttered. I knelt by her side and pulled her body against mine.

She was shaking so hard and her breaths were coming in shallow.

The pump hadn't been enough.

She needed a treatment but her machine was downstairs.

I lifted her up, even though my shoulder was screaming.

Had I not seen her eat twice today, I would have thought she hadn't eaten in forever because she felt no heavier than Izzy.

My wife was falling apart and I wouldn't allow myself to feel helpless.

_"Shh Shh Shh, it's okay. I got you baby."_

I carried her to the nursery, put her in the glider beside the crib and then began to prepare a double breathing treatment for her.

There were footsteps coming and I knew Q was home.

 _"You guys up?"_ She asked, poking her head into the nursery. _"What's going on?"_

I looked at Q and then at Ana and shook my head.

_"Just breathing issues. We're fine."_

Quinn didn't look like she believed me but she didn't put up a fight.

But this time, I kinda wish she did.

Dealing with Ana was a full time job when she was doing drugs and I already had a full time job...two of them. Dancing and being a mom.

I signed up for this though.

Ana was my responsibility, not Quinn's.

What I wanted more than anything was to keep this slip up between us.

So I wouldn't make a big deal...she was at a low and I would help her back up.

I could do this.

Me and her against the world.

That's how it had to be.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I've done some incredibly fucked up shit. I regret way more than I am proud of but more than anything, I never felt lower than the moment that my wife was forced to watch me get high and then save my life...again.

To top it off, Quinn, the nosiest of all the people in my life, shows up and B has every reason to rat me out but she doesn't.

Instead, she puts a mask on my face and then sweetly sings to me.

And I couldn't help but cry because I don't deserve her.

Not now...maybe not ever and it kills me that I'm dragging her sunshine and light down with me.

The last thing that she needs is to bury her wife.

And here I am, just throwing all her joy and sweetness down the crapper.

I need to be better.

For her.

So even as my body craved more coke, I ignored it because I would rather die a thousand times, than to see that look of disappointment and sadness cross her face because of me.

I don't care anymore that she choked me because it's no worse than the shit I've been doing to myself.

How can I expect her to value my life, when I haven't been valuing myself?

Marco had given me an out that I didn't deserve. I intended to kill a person, just because it wasn't the right person, doesn't mean, that I didn't contribute to someone dying. I committed atrocities fully sober and I don't think for a second that if she had been in her right mind, she would have ever hurt me.

Now that she is level, I need to meet her there.

I need to appreciate what I have in her and I need to start fucking appreciating my own life.

The tears were soaking my face as I stared past her to the crib.

My baby girl was two months old and deserved parents that were going to love her, a hell of a lot more than my parents ever did.

This couldn't be my pattern.

I made my decision then.

Rehab after the funerals.

My sister had died and I had to keep living for her...for the boys...for Ian...for that girl, who's body was buried in an unmarked grave.

I needed penance.

God, I needed more than I deserved.

* * *

Once the treatment finished and I had enough strength to stand. I followed Britt into the bedroom.

 _"C-Can we take a b-bath?"_ I asked her, feeling way too sensitive and Britt just smiled at me.

_"Sure. Bubbles?"_

_"Please?"_

She got the bubbles and I turned on the water.

The treatment had erased my high and I was just feeling the come down so hard.

I was cold and my skin was crawling, the high from that morning had been easy...I'd cleaned a whole house with it.

Then the one from just after seeing Marco, amazing but this one was too much.

It nearly killed me and had my wife not trusting me.

This was no way to go on.

Be smart, Lopez. Damn.

My body shivered again and I felt unhinged.

I didn't take off my clothes until the water was steaming and ready.

Britt stepped in first and then eased down into the heat before I took off my clothes.

She was watching me like it was her first time seeing me naked and not the ten billionth.

Once I was in the tub and her arms were around me...I felt calmer...even if I was still shaking.

_"Was it this morning when you went to get the sandwiches?"_

_"Yes."_ I answered.

_"How much did you buy?"_

I shrugged and she just waited me out. _"Hundred bucks worth."_

_"Which is what...four bags?"_

_"Yes."_ How did she know that?

_"So how much do you have left?"_

_"A bag...and what's in the cl-closet."_

_"Do you want to finish it?"_ She asked, like it was a movie or something

 _"Yes."_ I admitted. _"B-But no."_

_"Your body is craving but you don't want to do it again?"_

_"Exactly."_

_"Do you think you are your dad yet?"_

The question made me gasp.

_"No."_

_"I want to keep my promise to you."_

_"Th-Thanks, B. I know I need re-rehab...but I w-won't hurt the kids. I promise you."_

And I meant it.

* * *

I was awakened that night by the phone buzzing. I reached for it before it could wake up, B.

 _"Yes?"_ I grumbled.

_"Mari had the baby."_

It was Sandra.

 _"She did?"_ I sat up and glanced at the clock. It was just after 2.

_"Yes, so we are going to plan the funerals for this weekend...she should be okay to fly by then. Gladys told me she chartered a jet, are you coming then?"_

I felt the bed shift and turned to see Britt staring at me hard...like I had woken her out of a good dream...one where I wasn't a space cadet junkie. My sister cleared her throat and I focused back on the conversation and her question.

_"Sure."_

_"Okay, get back to sleep. Call me in the morning."_

_"Okay."_

_"I love you, Santana."_

Her use of my full name shocked me but then I realized that she was in L.A. prepping our dead sisters service...she was feeling sentimental and I'm sure once I'm there, feeling the heaviness of it all, I'll feel it too.

_"I love you too, S-Sandra."_

_"Everything okay?"_ Britt mumbled as I curled back into her arms.

_"M-Mari had the baby."_

_"Oh that's awesome! We all needed some good news."_

_"Y-You're a match."_ I reminded her.

_"Right, there's also that. I have an appointment with Ari and her doctors tomorrow. Do you want to come? I got the rest of the week off because of the funerals and since I need to prep my body for the transplant."_

_"Yes. D-Don't leave me al-alone."_

_"Oh, baby, I don't plan on it. Ever."_

The rational part of me knew she meant that as a good thing, something to be secure about but my irrational self saw the other side.

She'd never leave me alone because she'd never trust me and she had every right to feel that way.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I held tight to Ana's hand as we made our way from the appointment with Ari and her doctors, which was really just telling me to eat clean, don't drink and try to avoid sick people for the next week while Ari got more chemo.

We would do the transplant as soon as we got back and hopefully, it would be enough to save her life.

Ana prayed over Ari and then Ari prayed over Ana.

I just stood to the side and let them have their moment.

And I watched Ari's face as Ana told her what she'd done.

I had known she was going to break at some point. She never could lie to Ari, she seemed to be the only person that was able to get Ana to tell the truth at all times.

What must that be like?

I swallowed back the bitterness when I saw Ari quietly scolding Ana but my wife didn't cry, like she would with me instead she just nodded along. Then Ari looked over at me and crooked her finger.

When I got to them, Ari touched my arm.

_"She is going to rehab when you guys get back. Right, Anita?"_

_"Yeah."_ Ana said, jutting out her chin and looked at me like she had something to prove. What the hell had Ari said to her?

_"Look, Britt, you are a saint when it comes to her and now me. Make sure you aren't hiding your light...that's how you got off track last time. Right?"_

I had told Ari that in confidence but now she was saying it in front of my wife.

Ana's eyes got wide.

_"Did I d-dim your light, B?"_

_"Yes, a little but we're good now. I'm good."_

_"Shit."_ She said. _"I'll do better."_

 _"Can we go see Izzy now, please?"_ I begged.

Ari knew she'd planted the seed and happily hugged us before leaving us in the hallway with a heaviness between us.

One that probably needed to be out there.

She was trying to keep me from losing myself and hurting Ana, so I couldn't even be mad at her. It's something I would have done...it's something I have done.

It didn't feel so good coming back to me though.

 _"Ready?"_ She asked and then took my hand.

* * *

Every bit of sadness that clung to my wife seemed to melt away when she saw Izzy.

He was sitting up in the crib holding his Elmo and watching it on the screen.

Usually nothing could tear him away but then Ana spoke to him.

 _"Hey Papa."_ She said and his head snapped towards her. He whined and held his arms out to her.

The nurse came and took the mask off of him, then handed him to Ana without questioning her.

Probably because he had her face but that didn't mean, she didn't side eye me still.

 _"Whoa, B. Wh-What's the face about?"_ She asked as she got Izzy comfortable on her lap. He was back to watching the television but he snuggled against Ana's boobs and shoved his thumb in his mouth...surprise of all surprises, she just looked at him and shrugged.

_"Uh...you're just going to allow him to do it?"_

_"We all h-have our hang ups."_ She said. _"Wh-What did the nurse do?"_

_"She made a big deal about me being his mom yesterday. It's fine, she still let me hold him."_

_"W-Want me to talk to her?"_

_"No. I just want to enjoy our time with Izzy. Screw her."_

_"Skuar."_ Izzy said trying to repeat me.

Ana looked at him and then at me.

_"T-Time for us to t-talk nicer."_

_"Yeah it is."_

I moved closer to her and Izzy, watching Elmo on the screen and allowing myself to relax.

Ana was still shaking but she was trying her best to not make it into a big deal.

She was trying to be present.

Trying like hell to not let her sadness lead her to a dark place and I was so dang proud of her.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I practically clung to Britt all day long and she seemed to encourage it.

We went out to lunch together for the first time without kids in forever.

She held my hand on top of the table and when it shook from a tremor, she'd just bring it to her lips and kiss my knuckles.

The more faith she showed in me, the more I felt like I had something to prove to her and to myself.

_"It's good to see you trying, baby."_

_"It's g-good to try."_

_"Is there anything else you want to do today?"_

_"A meeting."_ I said and she nodded.

_"We can do that. Anything else?"_

_"C-Celia never t-took her sp-spare keys back."_

_"You want to go to Brooklyn? Feeling like this?"_

I hesitated...then I remembered telling her how that whole borough was a trigger for me.

And I was still feeling the coke running through me.

She was right.

_"Th-Then I think maybe I need to write and p-play at home."_

_"No. You need time away from home...I have just the place."_

I loved when she had an idea and her whole face lit up.

It was the best thing ever.

She sent out a text, probably to Mami, who had come and taken the baby this morning out of the blue.

Or at least it felt out of the blue, with the way that Britt kind of takes control of the mundane shit behind the scenes, maybe she is the true puppet master. She did always seem to understand Sue more than anyone and there was no greater puppet master than Sue Sylvester.

_"Do you?"_

_"Yes. Finish your food so we can go."_

* * *

It took me way too long to figure out where we were going because I was having a flashback to the time that I went to the tent city under the bridge and distributed coke like fucking Santana Claus.

Britt snapped her fingers in front of my face to get my attention again and I realized we were parked at the theater.

Then I remembered playing piano for Ari.

_"B, you're a genius."_

_"I know."_

_"Come on."_

At some point in the past, I had doubted if Brittany could ever take care of me.

I didn't think I would ever be able to fully get over myself and let her take care of things for me.

Now though, I could see that I judged her too quickly.

Brittany was turning out to be my savior and not because she was my innocent, safe place like in high school.

It was because she was stepping up to be my partner, my wife, my saving grace.

She sat me at the piano with blank pieces of music sheets and a felt tipped marker.

Then she went up to the stage and began to stretch.

I watched her for a bit before stretching my fingers and starting off with my old go to Sonata.

And as I played, she began to twirl like a ballerina in a music box.

When I was a kid, I played for Ari like this and she'd dance for me.

I thought I'd never know love like that again...and then I met Britt.

And I've come to realize, that I was right.

I'll never know love like Ari...just like I'll never know love like Britt either.

They were both these beacons of light in my life and I couldn't do this thing without them.

Now one was about to save the other's life and it just felt so poetic.

And then the words came.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

When Britt had told me that she and San were coming to the theater to get some frustration out, I thought she meant sex.

Then she texted me and told me that her Gladys had the baby all day, that I should bring Rachel and we could all get our stress out together...I was kinda stunned.

 _"Are you sure this is okay?"_ Rachel asked me as I typed the code into the keypad to get into the building.

_"We were invited."_

I hadn't told Rachel much, just that we were going to Britt's theater to get out some steam.

She seemed really nervous about it and it was kind of enjoyable to watch.

Then I pushed through the doors and watched Santana playing the piano while Britt danced on stage.

_"I never knew she could play like that."_

_"You don't know a lot about Santana."_

_"Apparently."_

We made our way down the center aisle and San didn't even pay us any mind as she stopped playing so she could scribble down the notes.

I slid on the bench next to her and began my end of chopsticks. She didn't even glare she just kissed my cheek and followed along.

The moment of levity was great.

And I knew just who to thank for it.

Britt was twirling around happily and then she had Rachel's hands in hers and was pulling her into the dance.

 _"Can I?"_ I asked San as I picked up the music sheet.

 _"Go ah-head. Just wrote it."_ I looked it over and felt tears come to my eyes.

_"Sing it for me?"_

She looked unsure but I set up the sheets on the piano and then whistled towards the stage.

Rachel and B stopped and looked at us.

 _"S-She wants me to play and sing."_ San said to B.

_"Well what are you waiting for baby?"_

San turned back to me and looked down at the bench.

 _"Right, my bad."_ I got off the bench and watched her readjust herself.

Then she played the most beautiful song I had ever heard.

I just wanted to lock her in a studio and have her play that song and more like it until she had nothing left.

This was her calling and I could see from the serene look on her face, that if she stuck to it...it'd probably save her life.


	39. God Gave Me You (Blake Shelton)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Once I had kick started my addiction again, it had started plaguing me at every turn but I stuck by Britt's side.

By Wednesday, I was itching to get the hell out of New York and so was Q.

She and my sister had been barely speaking because of Rachel being at the house and I felt totally responsible for it but if the tables were turned, I would do the same thing for Quinn and she for me.

It's just how we rolled, so even though she and Celia were at odds, she still didn't fully take it out on Rachel, instead she kept trying to push her towards rehab.

And Rachel was almost there, she just had to get out of her own self-pitying way. I hated seeing her like this and it was making me just irritated each time she walked into a room.

Our brief moment of combined celebration of the song that I had written had passed just 24 hours after it had happened, I was on the same page as Q...I wanted Rachel in rehab and preferably before I left New York on Thursday because Quinn had classes this week and wouldn't be coming until Friday...which meant that the two of them would be all alone in my house.

And while Q is practically the queen of teasing and not pleasing, she is human and has been historically a cheater.

We all know it...well Ceily doesn't...but Rachel knows and that's probably the worst thing of it all, if Rachel gave in to Quinn or vice versa, well shit would hit the fan big time.

_"Are you s-sure you can't skip Friday?"_

_"I wish, San, but it's my most important midterm and since the deaths aren't my family, they aren't so willing to excuse me."_

_"Rude."_

_"Tell me about it. If I could have left, I would have gone on Monday with Ceily. She's been leaving me all these shitty voicemails about how she hopes I'm her ride or die...how she hopes that she has a home to come back to. Like shit you wouldn't expect a 28 year old woman to say."_

_"Sh-She's grieving...and needy."_

_"Yes, that's the Lopez trait and I can deal with it from you and I could deal with it from her...if she didn't also have this hangup over Rachel."_

_"S-Sorry."_

_"Don't be. She should trust me by now. Rachel is out of my system...has been for a very long time and even if she wasn't, there's no way I can be with an alcoholic after Russell."_

_"Well that is very good information to have."_ Rachel said as she walked into the room from the guest room. _"Are you aware that you have terribly thin walls?"_ She asked me.

I shrugged as I snuggled deeper into the couch with my baby drooling on my shoulder.

_"I am."_

_"Well what I said is the truth."_ Quinn doubled down. _"Celia is my endgame. I want to be her wife and it makes her uncomfortable that you're here with me."_

_"Well then, you will be happy to know that news has made it back to my fathers and I am in the process of packing so I can get on a flight out there. They are none too pleased with my antics. My flight leaves this evening, Santana, thank you very much for allowing me to stay."_

_"Wh-What about rehab?"_ I asked her point blank.

_"I am sure that after the spectacle that I have become in the New York scene, my parents will make sure that I get the proper treatment that will deliver me back to New York in the best light."_

_"Wait, you plan to come back to New York?"_ Q seemed floored by this.

_"Certainly. This time, I will come with a plan and a more realistic outlook. I might apply to NYU and see if I can get into Tisch or maybe even Columbia."_

_"NYU sounds good."_ Quinn said back with a raised brow, not wanting Rachel to be that close to her.

 _"I will take that under advisement."_ To further her point, Rachel reached into her pocket and pulled out a set of keys that were already removed from a ring and put them down on the coffee table _. "Thanks again."_

After the door closed, Quinn was on her feet doing the silliest dance of celebration I had ever seen.

 _"Be nice."_ I whispered and she cackled.

 _"I'll do what I want."_ She sang at me and then twirled before falling next to me and smiling huge. _"I have to text, C, she's gonna be thrilled."_

_"I bet."_

* * *

Britt had still managed to keep my relapse from everyone including Quinn but that didn't mean she wasn't essentially scheduling my days so I wasn't ever alone for too long.

Just as Quinn was getting ready to leave for class, Britt burst through the door with grocery bags and a giant grin, like she hadn't planned being here exactly at the time Q was leaving.

 _"Guess what I found?"_ She said super giddy.

_"What?"_

_"Red Vines! I know how much you love them more than Twizzlers."_

_"Uh...so do I."_ Quinn cut in as she adjusted her backpack.

 _"I know, that's why I got you one too!"_ She ran back into the kitchen and then came out with a giant bag of Red Vines, tossing it to Q like it was a football instead of candy. _"There, you have that whole bag to yourself, so Ana can eat hers in peace."_

 _"Sweet! Don't forget you wanted to go to a meeting tonight...I'll be back at 5."_ She said before dropping kisses on mine and Britt's cheeks before leaving.

I shifted the baby into her swing, hoping she'd sleep a while longer even though my aching boobs told me that she would be wanting milk very soon and I still couldn't feed her since it hadn't been 72 hours.

More pumping and dumping was in my future.

My fault.

Britt wrapped her arms around me and kissed me hard. The heaviness that I had been feeling all morning vanished. Every single time I could feel the darkness creeping in, she would sweep in and kiss it away.

Right now, while she was off, it was definitely saving me. My fear was what came after she was back at work and I was alone again.

 _"Wh-When is your surgery?"_ I asked as she held me close.

_"Monday, then I'll stay overnight at the hospital and I'll be able to dance again in a few days. What's on your mind?"_

Just then, I remembered my thin walls and glanced towards the guest room door.

_"We can t-talk about it later. C-Can we go see Isaac now?"_

_"After lunch."_

_"B...please. I f-feel..."_ I glanced at the guest room door again. _"Like I'm losing. I need a d-distraction."_

Her eyebrows went up and then she glanced towards the baby, who was still asleep.

 _"Follow me."_ She said and then pulled me into the kitchen.

Once we were there, she pushed me up against the wall, next to the swinging door.

Then before I could question her, she had her hand shoved under my sweater dress and inside my panties.

I dropped my head against her shoulder.

 _"Fuck."_ I grunted. Her long fingers kept pumping as she pressed kisses along my jaw until her mouth was next to my ear.

_"Does this help you, baby?"_

_"Yessss."_

_"When did you last eat?"_ She asked and I tried hard to focus.

 _"Wi-With you."_ I groaned.

 _"So...lunch...then...hospital."_ She said pressing me closer and closer to my orgasm.

 _"So cl-close."_ I was gripping her shoulders now as I moved my hips.

 _"Did you hear me?"_ She stopped her fingers and I whimpered.

_"Yes."_

_"Tell me."_

_"Fuck."_ I groaned as she started lazily brushing my clit with her thumb. _"L-Lunch...then hospital."_

I could hear the guest room door open and then Rachel saying something to the baby, in that stupid baby voice she used as Britt pushed me towards release.

_"Hurry up baby...come before she does."_

_"Fuck...shhhit. B!"_ I yelped as I came. She pulled her fingers out of me and shoved them in her mouth as the kitchen door swung open. I was adjusting my dress as my eyes met Rachel's.

She hesitated and then went to leave but I called after her.

_"Wait!"_

_"I'm going to make lunch."_ B said and then started humming that Lollipop song on her way to the sink to wash her hands. _"Rachel are you hungry."_

_"Um...that's incredibly nice of you. I actually wanted to let you know that I am on my way out. My cab is here."_

_"Oh."_ I pulled her into a hug and she stiffly patted my back before going for a hug with Britt but B just gave her a fist bump.

Rachel looked defeated but I patted her on the back.

 _"I'll walk you out."_ I said and she perked up a bit.

There were too many variables between here and Lima for her to leave this house feeling hurt.

I would do right by her so she knew at the very least, she had me.

* * *

Britt was true to her word, after we had lunch we gave the baby a bath and got her all changed and pretty before heading out.

Isaac was having a good day, even if his lungs still sounded crazy congested. Today he wanted to be in B's arms and I didn't fight him on it. As long as I got to see him, that was all that mattered.

 _"Well good afternoon ladies, I was hoping to run into you two."_ The doctor said, pulling up a chair across from us as Britt held Isaac and I fed the baby.

 _"It's good to see you too...give us good news, please?"_ Britt asked.

_"Isaac's mold test came back, he doesn't have any high traces but it appears he does have an allergy to dust. I took the liberty of taking that little monster from him while he slept. It has high traces of dust allergins. How often does he hold a stuffed animal?"_

_"All the time."_ I said rolling my eyes.

_"I have learned how attached he is to it. I would suggest washing them regularly, things like pets, stuffed animals, and heavy perfumes can aggravate asthma. I would also, caution you against allowing him to sleep with it. He presses it to his face and inhales whatever that thing has touched."_

_"Wow."_ I said. _"Th-That's simple."_

_"Sometimes the smallest things can trigger an attack. That's why we also caution parents to keep smokers away from asthmatic children."_

I had a lightbulb.

Who had been helping with our son and had also started smoking again like a damn chimney.

Quinn.

I looked at B and it seemed that she was thinking the same thing.

Well that was going to be a fun conversation.

* * *

The doctor told us that with the way that Isaac was progressing that he would probably be discharged early next week, which had me nervous since Britt would be fresh out of surgery and I was planning on rehab.

Suddenly, I realized how impossible any of this would be without telling Q.

As his godmother and my best friend, she had sworn to step up and help however she could and with me gone, she'd need to be there big time...otherwise I'd have to lean on one of my sisters and I knew for a fact that Britt would want to avoid that.

How feasible was rehab really?

Did I actually NEED to go?

I mean, I felt fine.

My mind continued on this track all the way home, through dinner, a shower, a meeting with both Britt and Q...I just kept thinking and still I tried to stay present but no matter how discreet I think I'm being, Britt always seems to know.

_"What has gotten stuck in your head all day?"_

She asked as I made piles of clothes on the bed.

I had been prepping to pack for at least an hour and she had decided that was good time to talk to Quinn about her smoking habit.

But Q had, surprise, surprise, gone out to buy cigarettes so in this moment alone, she was calling me out.

_"How do you al-always know?"_

_"Duh, I'm the foremost expert on Santana Lopez, it's my job to know when you aren't yourself. So, tell me."_

_"I just...is now the best time for me to go to rehab?"_ I asked, my brain so hyper focused on the words that they came out clear.

_"Is this because of the surgery and Izzy coming home at the same time?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Well, when Q gets back we just need to tell her the truth and if she is willing to help then we will stick to the plan. Unless...would outpatient be good for you? We could ask Sandra to watch the kids during the day...while you go and then you come home at night."_

I nodded.

_"I think I w-would like that."_

_"Okay, you pack and worry about the trip and I will worry about everything else. I promise."_

There was creaking on the steps and then Quinn came in with paper plates and a bag.

 _"So, I am still hungry after dinner, I stopped and got Pad Thai...interested?"_ She paused when she saw the way we were both looking at her. _"Uh oh, what did I do?"_

Britt patted the spot on the couch next to her. _"Come sit with me, Q."_

 _"Oh shit, am I being kicked out?"_ She said looking at me with big eyes.

I chuckled. _"No. J-Just sit."_

_"Can I at least eat?"_

_"Yeah, I'm hungry too."_ B said, then she looked at me. _"You?"_

 _"Nope."_ It was getting late and I had already cleared my dinner plate, I didn't want to overdo it. I knew myself and if I felt like I had overeaten, I would find a way to empty my stomach and I was trying to change.

Trying like hell to be better.

* * *

Britt and Q sat on the couch while watching me begin to put stuff in the suitcase. Thankfully they weren't pushing me to eat anymore.

That was the last thing that I needed with a million things on my mind.

 _"Why are you packing like you are leaving for a week? You aren't actually thinking of running away are you?"_ Quinn laughed as she picked up a piece of bacon and shoved in her mouth. Ugh...leave it to Quinn to find bacon Pad Thai!

_"I'm p-packing for Celia, me, Britt and all of Daniela's stuff. It's a lot."_

_"Right but how many pairs of shoes did you pack yourself, San?"_

_"Six."_

_"For three days?"_

_"Yea...so? How many bags do you have?"_

_"Just my carry on."_

_"Well...that's because I'm h-high fashion and you are all...church dresses...and is y-your blonde is back?"_

_"Hair appointment tomorrow, after class."_

_"Black again?"_

_"Yep...Celia likes my hair like this and Rachel doesn't...reason enough to stay this way!"_

_"A-Agreed."_

_"So, let's talk."_ I said and Quinn put her plate down on her lap and looked at me.

_"Okay."_

_"First...you sh-should know that I re-relapsed a few days ago."_ Her face got paler and she looked at B, who just nodded her head. _"I h-have been clean a few days. I-It's been hard but I want to be s-sober. Wh-When we g-get back..."_ I was getting choked up and went back to packing, not able to keep going but Britt took over effortlessly.

_"When we get back, Ana is going to do an outpatient rehab, so she can still be here with the kids and help me after my surgery. No one else knows about this, we'd like to keep it that way. You know how the family gets and this means that even Celia, needs to be kept in the dark."_

Q looked at me for a long moment and then she cleared her throat and muttered something I couldn't hear but Britt did.

 _"Yes, this is what's best. I trust Ana to tell me what she is comfortable with. I learned the hard way that if I push her to do what I want, she'll rebel but she wants this. So we are going to do it her way. Is that okay with you?"_ Britt said all snappy and I looked up to see her staring down Q.

But Q stared back just as hard before sighing and nodding.

 _"Okay. I will be here to help like I promised. Just..."_ She was looking at me again _. "If it gets too hard to do both...you know rehab and all of the shit that comes with living in this family, promise me you'll consider going full-time with the knowledge that I am here and will step up however I can."_

 _"Okay."_ I said.

_"And can I say one more thing?"_

Britt had a growl in her throat but I didn't want her scaring away my only other friend.

 _"What?"_ I asked.

_"I know how nosey the family is, trust me but you should maybe be honest with Celia, at least. She's really good at not telling everyone everything."_

_"I will th-think about it."_

_"Good."_ Q was about to go back to eating when Britt dropped a hand on her knee.

_"We're not done."_

Now Quinn really looked anxious.

 _"What? You're not pregnant again are you because I swear being pregnant every year is not healthy!"_ She snarked.

 _"No one is pregnant."_ Britt said, _"But this does have to do with one of the kids."_

 _"Oh no...what is it?"_ She looked like she was going to vomit now.

 _"Izzy can't handle cigarette smoke or residue."_ I said to take her out of her misery.

_"Oh...wait...oh, crap am I the reason he got sick? Fuck, I didn't think about the asthma. I swear. Celia wants me to quit too...okay, that's it. I won't smoke anymore."_

I rolled my eyes.

_"At least not h-here. Maybe not holding him w-with the sc-scent either."_

_"Right, crap. I am so sorry!"_ She had tears in her eyes and then she was all out sobbing in her hands.

I had never seen her like this...she was acting like he was irreparably damaged or something.

Britt and I had to wrap her in our arms and assure her that she didn't break Isaac and it took a long while for her to actually calm down.

Once the dramatics were done though, we put on some music and just talked about nothing while I continued packing.

Spending time with my favorite girls made my somber mood lighten a bit. I knew that it wouldn't last long though because once I was in LA everything would be heavy again.

I was glad though that I was able to go clear headed and not burdened with having to hold in my emotions.

Growing up, I look back and realize that my biggest regret and my saving grace was my ability to maintain a cool composure no matter the situation.

I was learning from my wife and Q that sometimes letting down your walls was more necessary than breathing.

* * *

First thing in the morning if Isaac was having a good day, he was always excitable...which absolutely something that he got from Ian. I was never a morning person; I always need my quiet time before dealing with other people and if I don't get it I can be a raging bitch the entire day...hello high school! I hated those early Cheerios practices with a burning passion.

Seeing Isaac though excited and shrieking at 6 a.m. was a welcome sight.

It had taken Britt some string pulling to get the doctors to let me see him that early but after she explained my situation, they quickly loosened their restrictions.

I was really liking her taking over some of the bigger things, it gave me more time to focus on my kids and myself, plus it kept the tremors and cravings from overwhelming me.

Thank God for Britt-Britt.

_"Ma!"_

_"Papa!"_ I picked him up and smothered him in kisses. He smelled fresh and clean which made me insanely happy and satisfied to know that he was being well taken care of.

 _"Da mah ki ki!"_ he screeched.

I kissed him again.

 _"Yay! Beso!"_ I said, working to get him to start calling it what it was...even if it was in Spanish.

 _"Yay!"_ he clapped his hands together and looked at me with those bright blue eyes.

I felt so light in that moment, it made me really sad that I couldn't bring him along, since he always improved my mood. Instead, we spent about a half an hour with him before heading to the airport.

The great thing about chartering our own plane was that, even though we were running a little late, it wasn't going to leave us.

Thankfully, Damariz had taken Daniela with her straight to the airport because if the baby had been with us it would have been harder to get there on time, with rush hour and snow on the ground.

Britt drove slower than I did and I still hadn't been cleared to drive, so we got there a half hour late which meant that we had to wait an hour to be cleared for takeoff. Being stuck on a plane with two newborns was not something that I had thought about. We ended up having a layover in Pittsburgh before finally taking back off.

Saul kept chewing his gum obnoxiously, Damariz kept checking to see if the baby was breathing, and Britt...well Britt was the only perfect thing about the flight. If I wasn't feeding Daniela then Britt was holding her and slow dancing with her as she slept.

B was doing everything in her power to keep me from flipping out, so even though, what should have been a six hour flight had turned into a nine hour trip, I kept my cool.

For the most part.

* * *

We got into LAX at a little after five that night and I was not happy about it. Britt kept an around me and kept whispering sweet things in my ear to make me smile, thank God for her.

Once we were off the plane my sister kissed me and Britt, and then hailed a cab straight to Brenda's house. She seemed annoyed and exhausted, so I didn't blame her. I couldn't even imagine how overwhelmed she was after losing her twin sister and then giving birth to a beautiful little girl days later.

 _"Hey, B?"_ I said as we headed towards the food court.

_"Yes?"_

_"C-Can you make sure I spend time with Mari sometime s-soon?"_

_"You got it."_ she smiled as she pulled me in again and kissed my temple. _"I love you so much Ana."_

_"I love you too, B."_

Britt and I wandered around the terminal stretching our legs for about twenty minutes before heading over to the car rental kiosk. Daniela was fast asleep in Britt's carrier, with her head on B's chest. It was cute to see both of them looking so attached to each other.

I hadn't called anyone because I just wanted to get settled in before jumping into the intensity. Instead I was taking time to just breathe, which was something that I had a hard time doing lately.

Everything just felt hard and so not wanky.

Most of my father's family hadn't seen me since his funeral, back before I had my kids or married Brittany. It would be like coming out all over again, except now, I had been through so much that I wasn't afraid of anything.

This weekend was about Brenda and the boys. Even though I had my own nonsense to deal with, I had to keep my sister in mind. I had to look at my little nephews and try and be strong for them.

I was just glad that I got some time with just Britt and the baby before having to deal with anything else.

They would be my anchor.

* * *

When we got to the hotel, Britt seemed relieved to be out of the crazy LA traffic. I could tell that even a city girl like her was on edge from having to drive in all the insanity. She handed the keys to the valet and then we made our way inside while they took care of our luggage.

Britt hadn't forgotten a thing, right down to the giant suite that she had booked us.

Thank God, she was on her game when I so clearly hadn't been.

I was standing there staring at the piano they had in the lobby when my name was being called.

 _"Ana?"_ I looked over and saw Johnny, for the first time in months. Did that mean Sandra was here somewhere?

Had Britt managed to get the whole family in the same hotel?

 _"Shit...so much for relaxing a little bit."_ I muttered to Britt when she came over with our room keys. She squeezed my hand and then plastered on a smile as she pulled on me towards my brother-in-law.

He wasn't here with my sister but he sure wasn't alone.

Xavier and Evan both had the caramel Lopez color and jet black curly hair, they both carried the air of sadness that came with losing so much in a short amount of time. Brenda's sons had always been the happiest kids on the planet and now seeing what was left of her family, just broke my heart.

With the three of them sat Saul, who must have dropped Mari at the house and came straight here.

 _"Hey guys."_ I said when I got close enough for my nephews to see me.

They looked up and while Xavier was bouncing up and down in his chair excited to see me, Evan looked at me glumly.

He had lost his twin brother, Ethan and if my memory serves me correctly...today was their birthday.

Shit!

Ethan and Evan had always been like night and day but the bond between them had always been strong. When I saw them last they had been racing around my house with the kids setting up for Christmas...two months ago.

How quickly things changed.

It was just a reminder that tomorrow isn't promised...for anyone.

* * *

I opened my arms up and both boys came over and hugged me.

Xavier quickly moved on to Britt and the baby, climbing her side until she had managed to lift him so that he was planted on her hip and peaking at the carrier at Daniela.

I smiled briefly and then rubbed my hands over my nephew's back. Evan had buried his head against my chest and was sniffling. I held him flush against me, noticing how uncomfortable Johnny and Saul seemed.

Damariz must have sent them out of the house with the boys.

 _"Hey Evan do you and X-Xavier want stay w-with me and Titi B for a while? M-Maybe watch a movie?"_ I said as I looked down at him. Evan looked up at me with sad eyes and nodded his head.

 _"I'd really like that Titi."_ he mumbled with watery eyes. I nodded and then pulled him against me again.

This day was probably so hard for him.

Had anyone remembered?

He was eleven today.

This all just sucked so, so fucking much!

Johnny had a tight smile as he nodded and Saul looked unabashedly happy to get the boys off his plate for a while. He had been so busy this week trying to get their new house together while helping his wife with a newborn.

He hugged me tight before clapping Johnny on the back and leaving the restaurant.

_"If you're taking them...I'm going to go check on Sandra...she's been in bed all morning."_

_"Tell her...that I'll c-come by later okay?"_

_"You got it sis."_ Johnny kissed my cheek and then headed towards the elevators.

Britt had told me that the reason that she chose this hotel was because, Sandra and Celia both were staying here, while Mari would be staying at Brenda's house a could of miles away in Beverly Hills.

I was glad that even though, I wasn't going to be able to spend any time with Britt and Daniela...I was happy to be surrounded by my family.

Maybe I would even manage to make Evan smile by the end of the day.

* * *

The five of us headed up to the suite in silence, Daniela had even fallen asleep. Britt was excitedly whispering back and forth with Xavier as they walked ahead of us, hand in hand while I hung back with Evan, just in case he wanted to talk. I had been trying to decide if it was bad timing to wish him a Happy Birthday when he pulled on my hand to get my attention. I looked over at him and tried to smile but I couldn't muster much. I probably looked like I was in pain.

There was just no clear sign of how to act.

 _"Do you think he will forget?"_ Evan muttered as he squeezed my hand.

Red flag.

Britt was better with this kind of thing but I needed to try and be open for him. Evan needed me just like someday Isaac would and I needed to be prepared for that.

I stopped us and crouched down in front of him so we were at equal eye level. His big green eyes were identical to Brenda's and it pained me to see them look so sad. I almost flinched but I fought the feeling.

This was not the time for that.

 _"I d-don't think anyone will be able to forget your mom and brothers Ev, and I kn-know that as his big brother you will make sure th-that he always remembers th-them in all he does...right?"_ I said as I held fast to his shoulders.

He looked at me hard, trying to read me, like I had learned to do at birth. It was written in the DNA.

_"Yes...I will. It's my job now."_

He came closer and wrapped his arms around me. I adjusted myself so that I was on my knees and then hugged him tighter. He ducked his head onto my shoulder and sucked in a breath. I could tell that even at eleven he was trying so hard to put his walls up but it wasn't working.

Somehow I had burrowed under his defenses.

I rubbed his back and let him get out his tears out. I had been where he is, kind of, and I knew that sometimes a person just needs to be held in the silence so that they can get their thoughts together. I was pretty sure that I was the first person that let him process after a question like that.

* * *

After he pulled away I stood up and wrapped an arm around his shoulders as we walked slowly to the suite.

_"I'm glad that you are finally here Titi."_

_"Me too."_

_"Everyone has been walking around me afraid to say any of their names. Even Titi Mari. She seems afraid to even look in the mirror, when she came to the house...she passed the mirror and I saw her flinch. Mami wouldn't like this at all."_

_"We all have to deal with th-this the best way we can. I know th-that nobody knew Ethan like you did right?"_

_"Yeah of course not, he's my twin. Was my twin."_

_"That's how Titi feels without your mom."_

_"Like a piece of her is missing?"_

_"Exactly."_

_"Will it ever get better?"_

I thought hard for a moment about the progress that I had made since burying my father and Ian. I thought about the longing I felt sometimes. It still hurt to think about Isaac not knowing his father but I knew that he had an amazing village of people surrounding him. I took a deep breath and then told my nephew the truth that I knew existed but I didn't think about until that moment.

_"It gets easier... but it takes time, which, to be h-honest, is g-gonna really suck."_

_"Yeah...it does."_

_"You j-just gotta take it one day at a time. You have to try and live for them...even t-today."_

_"Thanks for giving me a real answer, I will try my best. You know what? That's why I love you so much Titi Ana, I know you will always tell me the truth, even if it hurts."_

_"It's what I w-would want you to for my kids and for me."_

_"I love you, Titi."_

_"I love you too, Evan."_ I hugged him tight to me as we stood just inside the suite. _"And happy birthday."_

 _"Thank you."_ he said stoically as he kissed my cheek.

* * *

When we got into the room, Britt was reading the room service menu to Xavier.

 _"Planning on ordering?"_ I asked as I tossed my purse onto some random surface. I didn't speak that loud, so I was sure that she hadn't heard me wish Evan a happy birthday.

Had she?

_"Yep! Xavier says that Saul promised them ice cream for Evan's birthday but that they never got any. I thought maybe, they might want to have something...a banana split maybe?"_

She wiggled her eyebrows at Xavier and he smiled. I sent Evan over to them to pick something out while I headed to the bedroom. Daniela was sound asleep in the little crib in the corner of the room. I leaned in and kissed her face.

My luggage sat on a bench at the end of a huge bed in the biggest of the four rooms, the view was amazing. I stood there looking out the great big window when my phone started buzzing.

 _"Yeah?"_ I said as I stared distractedly out of the window.

_"Johnny told me that you are here in LA. You said you'd call me."_

_"I'm sorry. I j-just wanted to get here, t-take a nap and th-then call you guys."_

_"That's understandable it's just with everything that's happened I'm on edge."_

_"I'm sorry I didn't even th-think."_

"We are having dinner tonight at Mari's house, can you come and bring the boys to the house in a few hours, Johnny and I are headed over now, is that okay?"

_"Sure thing."_

_"Thank you Ana."_

_How could I say no to my sister right now?_

_Even if I was feeling tremors as my body craved something to numb all the pain I was feeling now._

_For days I had been able to push the gravity of this situation way down deep but now that it was in my face...I felt like I could have a panic attack at any second._

* * *

I hung up the phone and just sat there staring out the window for a while. Somewhere out there was the teenager that had hit my sister head on with her truck and walked away with not even a scratch and I was trying to find that shred of understanding since I had been that teenager, I had driven drunk and high on several occasions and knew that this could have been me. I could have killed someone...I had killed someone.

Was this karma?

This was personal though...at most I crashed into a building and killed a shrub but this girl had killed three people, a mother, a ten year old and a three year old.

I felt like I had been absolved of that girl's death, but this girl...that killed my sister...she could burn in hell.

God...help me. When did I become such a hypocrite?

_**Just saw my nephews. It's all so real. Can you call me?-Anita** _

_**Sure-Ari** _

Her response was immediate, she called without a second thought.

 _"Everything okay?"_ Ari said with a soft voice. She must have been either in chemo or fresh out.

_"Do you th-think th-this happened because of the b-bleach? Is the u-universe evening out?"_

_"Anita...don't go there...this was senseless. One event can't be blamed on the other. You just need to pray about it."_

_"How do I kn-know that God will answer my prayers?"_

_"Ye of little faith...come on...you know better."_

_"I know. I guess...this is just all so h-hard."_

_"I know Anita, but sometimes we have to go through some pretty hard shit." she hesitated and then sucked in a deep breath. She went to speak but I cut her off._

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Don't...just...look. This is a tough thing and if you are wondering how you could hate anyone for it...it's because you are looking at those boys, knowing the loneliness that they are going to feel without their mother and you understand that."_

_"Yea."_

_"You will get through this...I know it."_

_"I know and you w-will get through this too."_

_"Yea...well...if that is what God has planned then yes...I will get through this...in the meantime...remember what I told B...you have all your life to freak out about this, right now those boys need you and the family to bring them some light. I love you and be careful."_

_"Thanks. I love you too."_

* * *

After we hung up, I just laid there for a bit and let reality come down on me.

 _"Titi?"_ Xavier's little voice broke through my tears.

I lifted my face from the pillow that I was drowning myself in and saw him knelt on the bench next to my luggage watching me.

 _"Hey Nene."_ I choked out as I tried to swallow back my tears.

He looked like he wanted to climb up but was afraid to. I opened up my arms and his eyes brightened up immediately. He crawled into my arms and burrowed into my side.

 _"Don't cry Titi...Mami, Ethan, and Brendan are with Jesus, Papi and Abuelo now."_ He rubbed my side trying to soothe me.

_"They are?"_

I was really wondering and despite all the shit that I had gone through I never doubted my faith until that moment and Ari had sensed it.

 _"Of course Titi!"_ I kissed the top of his head and squeezed him tight.

From the mouths of babes.

_"I just miss them."_

_"Me too...Where is Izzy, why did you leave him?"_ he asked after a moment.

_"He was too sick. He is going to be o-okay though."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Positive."_

_"Good. I miss him."_

_"Me too."_

_"Titi?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Can you sing to me?"_

I hadn't been singing that much but for my grieving nephew, I had to get over myself. I held tight to him as I sang him to sleep.

With him curled against me it made me feel safe.

Being able to hold him, probably exactly how he was missing from his mom, not only helped him but it also helped me feel closer to my sister than I ever had.

* * *

I had only been to Damariz's old house once before and that was when I was recuperating after my surgery. Brenda had moved here after she left for New York so the boys could have a more country feel to their childhood, like she had.

The house was in Beverly Hills and sat back from the road by a half mile. It wasn't a mansion like Sandra's but it had an insane amount of land including an orchard.

It was amazingly beautiful, I couldn't believe that they'd probably lose this place now that my sister was gone.

Britt pulled the car down the gorgeous driveway while I sat there checking in on the kids in the backseat. Xavier had fallen asleep, holding onto Daniela's little hand, so Britt ended up carrying him, while I carried the baby. Evan seemed anxious as he walked by my side. It was probably hard to come home to a house that was half empty now.

 _"You okay, Ev?"_ I whispered as we stood on the front porch.

_"Yes...It's just harder when I see everyone crying. I feel like Mami would hate it."_

_"She wouldn't like it very much, you're right. But she would understand it. You remember when Abuelo died, your Mami cried a whole lot, remember that?"_ Britt said to him and he nodded.

_"Oh yeah."_

_"Not everyone can p-put up walls like you and me Ev."_

He looked at me and then nodded his little head before reaching forward and pushing the door open for me.

I was immediately chilled by how remarkably silent the house was as we entered. I knew that the house was packed but it seemed deserted.

Ev took Xavier from Britt and then walked off to some corner of the house leaving us standing in the foyer by ourselves. I hope that we hadn't said the wrong thing.

I looked over at Britt and could see that she was just as uncomfortable with the silence as I was.

 _"Mari?"_ I called out. I was too tired to seek her out.

I heard footsteps and then I saw Damariz poke her head around the corner. She waved us over and we followed her. We trailed behind my sister for almost a whole two minutes before we got to the living room.

 _"You guys sit in here while I take Daniela up to the nursery."_ She said tiredly. Britt seemed reluctant to let Mari take the baby but she didn't fight me on it when I handed the baby over to my sister.

I could see now that Britt was on edge.

That wasn't a good sign.

* * *

We walked further into the room and I could see from the back that Sandra and Celia were talking quietly to my mother and a squat little woman whose cheap perfume burned my nose.

I had never met my father's first wife but he never spoke highly of her and neither did her daughters for that matter. She and Mami had buried the hatchet years earlier so I wasn't surprised to see them sitting side-by-side. I just wished that someone had warned me.

My defenses were up as I held Britt's hand. She gave me a small smile and then we walked fully into the room and greeted everyone. Sandra stood up and opened her arms.

 _"How are you? How was your flight?"_ she asked as she held me for longer than usual. I hugged her back and allowed myself to soak up the comfort of my eldest sister.

 _"Longest nine hours of my life."_ I said as I watched my wife hug my mom.

 _"Yea...hey don't let anything my mom says get to you. She is insanely homophobic and even though Celia came out to her she has been so rude all day. So don't mention Celia and Quinn if you can help it, okay?"_ Sandra whispered in my ear. I nodded and then pulled away.

I just hope that Sandra knew that I wasn't going back into the closet for her mother, I was married for goodness sakes but I get that she didn't want me make it worse for Celia.

Even if I was too old to cater to some old bat, I wouldn't hurt my sister, so I leaned over and kissed my mom and politely nodded to the woman beside her and then went to sit down on the opposite couch next to B.

I held my wife's hand in my lap and looked over at my sister. Celia, who was normally carefree, was sitting stiffly on the other side of her mother and looking off into space. She was looking incredibly flushed and out of sorts.

 _"Ceily? You okay?"_ I asked quietly. Her eyes snapped up to me. She had anger in her eyes and was gripping her phone as if she wanted to beat someone to death with it.

 _"As well as I can be with the circumstances being so shitty."_ she muttered.

 _"Celia! With a mouth like that, it's no wonder you had to settle for women and can't seem to find a husband."_ her mother said elbowing her in the ribs. I saw Celia's cheeks turn bright red and her body become even more rigid.

I couldn't believe that she was going to let her mother get away with that.

_**Hey Q...this is what your woman looks like right now.-San** _

I texted Quinn, out of some sort of twisted loyalty I was feeling. I had pretended to be looking for signal and snapped a picture of Celia's angry face before sending it to Quinn.

I wasn't surprised when I got an immediate response back.

_**What's wrong with her?-Q** _

_**Her mom is basically bullying her back in the closet.-San** _

_**Ugh, over my dead body. I wish I was there today!-Q** _

Celia's phone started ringing. She looked down at the screen and quickly stood up and left the room. From the look on her face I could tell that it was Q who was trying to save her girlfriend's sanity and keep her from running back into the closet.

* * *

 _"So Santana..."_ my name sounded warped coming out of this woman's mouth.

 _"Si, Señora?"_ I said as I tried my best to be respectful.

 _"Who is your friend, here?"_ she asked seemingly testing me, was she kidding? I felt Britt squeeze my fingers in warning. Sandra looked sharply at her mother. Mami though just sat there; she was here for me and didn't want to ruffle feathers.

 _"This is my wife Brittany."_ I said as I placed my hand on B's knee without taking my eyes away from the woman across from me.

 _"That's not legal...how can she be your wife?"_ this woman was obviously misinformed.

 _"It is very l-legal. She is my wife."_ I stressed the last word and waited for her to say something else.

I raised my eyebrow and looked at her with a smile on my face. I could feel Britt's eyes on me and she even tried to let go of my hand but I wasn't letting go.

Not a chance!

Annoyed that she hadn't gotten to me, she turned to my mother and acted like I was deaf or out of earshot.

_"And you allowed this Gladys?"_

Mami looked over at me and then her eyes lingered on Brittany before she looked back at the sea urchin, that my sisters called a mother.

_"Yes. In fact, I encouraged it. I support my daughter in almost everything she does. Their marriage is no different than anyone else."_

_"It's all a silly little fantasy. I raised my daughters better than that but obviously, Celia's issue was from your influence,"_ she said as she stood from the couch, she looked down at me and scowled, _"Es un abomination!"_ she said before storming from the room.

 _"Just like you."_ I said and her face dropped.

I couldn't hide the smirk on my face but everyone else looked shell shocked.

Did they really think I would stay quiet?

Bullshit!

Britt squeezed my hand and I looked at her with a smile. She raised her eyebrow and I knew that she was only going to let me get away with being a bitch once or twice before she put her foot down but once was more than enough.

 _"What just happened?"_ Damariz said as she came into the room carrying finger sandwiches and her mother looked stuck on stupid.

 _"Our mother happened."_ Sandra said as she rolled her eyes. _"And well...Ana was Ana."_


	40. Heavy In Your Arms (Florence + the Machine)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I still had my hand firmly gripping Britt's knee even after the beached whale left the room. I was so pissed off that I could only see red but I kept my smile in place because I had survived way worse than this bitch.

Who the fuck did that woman think she was?

How did she think that she had any right to talk to me like that or at all?

Sensing my sudden anger or seeing it after my smirk, Britt wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer to her.

When I tried to sit up again she held me tighter. She wasn't going to allow that beached whale to make me question the validity of marriage.

 _"I'm sorry about my mom, Ana. She is insanely rude. She is up in her room stewing and probably calling our step father in Texas to tell him how we are forcing her to be under the same roof with a bunch of lesbians."_ Mari said as she sat in the place that her mother had vacated.

 _"Yea...she wouldn't be so quick to announce that if she realized that she had a gay daughter that wasn't running back in the closet too."_ Sandra said as Celia came back into the room.

 _"Yea and how should I tell her? At the funeral? The cemetery? Do you want me to start fucking Quinn right in front of her?"_ Celia snapped at Sandra.

 _"I'm just saying, maybe she would let up on finding you a husband and would not be such a bigot if she knew that you and Quinn are serious or if she knew that you weren't just figuring this out...that you have been engaged to a woman before, perhaps?"_ Sandra said as she defended her point.

 _"Oh no! Did she say something inappropriate to you Ana?"_ Ceily asked.

 _"Aside from c-calling my marriage a fairy tale and c-calling me an abomination? No."_ I said sarcastically.

 _"I'm sorry."_ Celia said as she grabbed a sandwich from the tray.

 _"Prove it...introduce Mami to Quinn when she gets here as you girlfriend...make some grand gesture."_ Damariz said as she pushed the tray closer to me.

 _"I will fix it before she flies back home."_ Celia conceded.

Damariz filled us in on all the arrangements for the service and then turned to me.

_"Now that nonsense is out of the way, I need a favor Ana."_

I sat forward and nodded.

 _"What is it?"_ I asked hoping that it wasn't something beyond my control.

_"Can you convince Sal to handle Brenda's estate?"_

_"He is our f-family lawyer Mari, he is available to all of you."_

_"Are you sure?"_ Mari said and then looked over at Sandra.

_"Ana...you are the closest to him...do you think we can call him now?"  
_

_"Uh...sure. I guess?"_ I said...feeling a bit confused.

* * *

Once Britt and I were alone again, with Sandra keeping Daniela for a while, I wrapped my arms around her neck and kissed her lips. She walked us to the bedroom and began to strip off her clothes as she kept kissing me. We had been on edge all day long and right then, all I wanted was her hands in me, on me, and around me.

She nibbled my ear as I sat on her lap and enjoyed her touch.

 _"Any cravings?"_ She asked.

_"Some."_

_"What do you want right now?"_

_"To be your lolli, a-again."_ I whispered against her ear, _"Daddy."_

She groaned and then was tackling me back against the bedspread.

Our loving was hard and fast, not knowing when someone would show up and ruin our free moment.

I groaned into her kisses and touches, wanting nothing more than to be sore in all the right places.

And when I came just once, I felt myself drifting off. She wrapped her arms and spooned me when she saw I couldn't hang for much longer

_"How are you feeling baby?"_

_"Better."_

_"Yeah...I'm so glad that you didn't hit that cranky old bat."_

_"I wish we were b-back home."  
_

_"Me too but this isn't a vacation, we're here for a reason...even if it's a really sucky one."_

_"Even though that means you will have to go to rehab?"  
_

_"Yea...but at I'll be h-home."  
_

_"Our entire lives are in New York of course you want to be back there with the kids and me...right?"_

_"Always, B."_ **_  
_ **

I turned so that I could face Britt. I marveled at the way the moonlight highlighted her face in a glow, making her look almost angelic. Her eyes were sparkling as she smiled sweetly at me. I was afraid to say what I was about to say, I didn't understand where it had come from but I think my heart knew it for a while.

We had started the conversation back in the hospital but then everything had happened with my embolisms and the emergency labor.

For some reason this just felt like the right time.

_"What's up, baby?"_

_"I m-miss Lima. I think that I want to move back."_ I sighed out.

I was afraid to look up and see Britt's reaction. I looked down at her lips and then leaned in and kissed them. She was silent but I could almost hear the wheels spinning in her head. I finally looked up and wanted to immediately look away.

Britt's eyes were full of unshed tears and rubbed my thumb across her cheek.

 _"Please don't cry B. I kn-know that our lives are in the city...it's just when I think of home..."_ I trailed off and thought about it.

When I think of home...

_"It has nothing to do with any of that Ana. Home is where your heart is...where is your heart?"_

_"With you and the kids."_ I whispered softly as I looked in her eyes.

_"That's what I thought. I just think that right now your soul needs peace and comfort and as much as we hated living there, Lima always moved slow and steady. It is your peaceful place, with the Magic Treehouse and the way everyone knows everyone else. It was comfortable."_

_"You're a genius."_ I said as I leaned closer to her, ghosting my lips over hers. Her face lit up as I pulled back and looked in her eyes. She pulled my body until we were pressed against each other and she kissed me again.

_"Everything is going to be okay Ana. I will do everything in my power to make sure that our family is safe and happy."_

_"Yeah?"_ I asked seriously.

_"Yes. And if down the line, after rehab, if you still feel like Lima is where you want to be then we will sit down and talk it out as a family. Okay?"_

_"Okay. I can live with that."_

_"Good..now let's get some sleep."  
_

* * *

The next morning my phone woke me up bright and early, some time around sunrise. It was the day of the viewing. There had been an uproar over dinner the night before over the arrangements of the services.

Evan's birthday got shoved to the side so I told Britt on the ride home that I wanted to do something for him, maybe after the funeral so that his birthday wasn't just plain forgotten.

We had to find some kind of happiness in all of this.

Hopefully, I could get the family in on it.

Tonight was the only night that could be agreed on for the viewing. It had originally been set up that we would just do everything all at once but Felicia, the sea urchin, was getting in the way.

After the viewings I was supposed to go back to Brenda's without Britt (which so wasn't going to happen) so that my sisters, the bitch Felicia and me could talk things out.

What things...I wasn't quite sure?

Papi's two brothers and their families were flying in from Hawaii and Miami. I hadn't seen them since his funeral and even then it had been briefly.

Mami had set it up so that they could stay in my suite, which I wouldn't have minded if she had asked me first or at least told me but she went ahead and let them know without asking Britt or me at all. What was worse is that she told them and then didn't set them up with a car or anything. So now I was being awakened at four thirty in the morning with no clue of what the heck was going on.

_"Anita? It's Tio Manny...did I wake you?"_

I sat up abruptly; in the process almost falling from the bed...thankfully Britt was awake enough and grabbed a hold of me.

 _"Pardon, Tio. Hi, h-how are you?"_ I said groggily.

_"Good. Your Mom said you would be picking me up from the airport. Are you coming soon?"_

_"You're there now?"_

_"Yea we just got in."_

_"I'm l-leaving now. I will call you when I'm cl-close. Is this your number?"_ I asked as I stood from the bed.

My joints cracked as I stretched my arms over my head, nearly dropping the phone that was perched between my shoulder and my cheek.

_"Yes. I'm sorry for waking you."_

_"It's fine. Who's with you?"_ I wasn't sure if I had enough room in my rental.

_"Just Carla and Demi, the little kids wouldn't be able to handle this."_

_"I'll see you soon. Te quiero."_

_"Te quiero Anita, be safe okay?"_

_"Okay."_ I hung up before tossing the phone on the bed.

 _"Fuck! I should w-wake her up and make her come with me for this shit!"_ I muttered louder than I meant to.

 _"Too late...I'm up."_ I almost jumped out of my skin. I turned the lamp on and saw Britt sitting up rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

_"Sorry baby...I was t-talking about my mom. She didn't even t-tell me that I had to pick up my uncle."_

_"He's already at the airport?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Well let's get going then."_

Thank God for Britt. Without her I wouldn't have been able to function that early in the morning but she managed to get us both dressed and out the door in ten minutes. While I got dressed, she had called up my mom and asked her to come down and watch Daniela. I managed to pump enough for two bottles, so that Mami could take care of the baby while I rushed towards the airport.

It made me smile that she was forced to be awake as well.

Definitely took the edge off.

* * *

 _"So which uncle is this?"_ Britt asked while she drove us down the 405. I was trying my best to stay awake while she drove since I have always been the better navigator.

_"Tio Manny. He is a high-ranking m-marine officer in Hawaii. He has n-nine kids. He only brought his oldest...D-Demetria. We call her Demi...yes like Demi Lovato."_

I glanced over and Britt had a huge grin on her face.

_"Awesome!"_

_"Yea, you will like her, she is a d-dancer like you. She and h-her mom own a dance academy. Her mom is a ballerina from R-Russia. They are all pretty awesome."_

By the time we got to the airport, Britt had effectively gotten all of my bitchiness to fade by shooting a million off the wall questions at me.

She is just that awesome.

I pushed my sunglasses over my eyes to block out the bright lights since my eyes were still adjusting.

Although my cranky, bitchiness had faded, I still felt clingy. I held tight to Britt's hand and leaned against her shoulder while we walked towards the terminal.

Britt was excited to meet more of my family and so she was wide awake as we approached the only people in the terminal.

I stood up straight and pulled her closer.

My father's baby brother was the spitting image of him, I had to do a double take when I saw his face. When he saw me he held his arms open and smiled really wide. I hadn't bothered to let go of B's hand so she got swept up into the hug along with me.

When he finally let go I stepped back and I pulled Britt against my side.

_"Tio, Titi, and Prima, this is my wife Brittany."_

_"So this is her?"_

Tio Manny looked at me then back at Britt with a serious expression. I pushed my sunglasses onto my forehead and looked in his eyes and nodded. I was feeling incredibly nervous, I actually cared about his reaction to my wife. He then looked back at his wife and daughter and then smiled really big.

_"You owe me 200 Carla and 50 bucks from you Demi. I told you she was blonde and tall!"_

I smiled really big and threw myself into my uncle's arms in relief. Then I looked towards my aunt and cousin.

_"She's also a d-dancer...she is currently ch-choreographing a new Broadway play."_

Once I said that, they forgot me as they each looped an arm through B's. Tio pulled two suitcases and I led everyone out to the rental.

My mind was reeling as I watched my family embrace Britt.

It made my heart heal a little bit.

* * *

Tio Manny let out a low whistle when he saw the car that I was driving around in. I shrugged and attempted to help him lift his luggage.

 _"What do you think you're doing, Anita?"_ I looked at him like he was crazy.

_"Helping you."_

_"Not in your condition, didn't you just have baby and heart surgery? Why don't you go ahead and get in the car?"_

I put my sunglasses back on and trudged to the driver's side out of habit. I didn't mean to get emotional but feeling weak was not something that I handled well.

When I climbed in the car, Britt was sitting in the back seat wrapped up in a conversation about movements or something.

I sat with my head resting against my seat and felt my eyes drifting closed.

I nearly pissed myself when a hand rested on my arm and shook me.

 _"The fuck?"_ I mumbled.

 _"You awake?"_ Tio was standing with my driver's door open looking at me.

_"Yea. What are you doing? Get in."_

_"Brittany says you haven't been cleared to drive, so what are you doing? Hmm?"_

_"No...Tio, it's fine. I can do this."_ I begged him.

When had I become so whiny?

 _"Ana sweetie, let him follow the GPS and do you really think now is the best time to get back on the road?"_ Britt leaned forward from the backseat and rubbed my arm soothingly.

 _"You're s-supposed to be on my side B."_ I said as I begrudgingly climbed down from the car. My uncle flashed me a smile and climbed in excited to drive such an expensive car.

I managed to stay awake all of three minutes once the car started moving.

I knew that they were right about me not driving but even after knocking out I still refused to admit it.

* * *

When we got back to the hotel it was a little after seven in the morning and I was anxious to get back to bed but when I saw both Mami and Sandra in the lobby, holding my baby, I knew that sleep was something of the past.

Everyone was giving out hugs and trying to figure out what to do for breakfast when I leaned into B.

_"Britt baby?"_

_"Hmm?"_ she said leaning down towards my face.

 _"I will do an-anything for you...you can t-take that strap on and stick it an-anywhere you want if you can just f-find a way to let me take a nap."_ I whispered in her ear making sure only she could hear me.

Britt's eyebrows shot up and then she stood straight up and cut off the current discussion going on in the middle of the lobby.

 _"Why don't we all go back to our suite and just order from room service?"_ Britt said excitedly flashing a huge grin.

 _"Did my daughter just offer you sex to get us to shut up, Brittany?"_ Mami said cocking an eyebrow.

Britt blushed red and shrugged her shoulders.

_"Ana's just really tired Gladys."_

Mami's just rolled her eyes and started walking towards the elevators with everyone following behind her without another word.

 _"Thanks B."_ I said as we climbed into the packed elevator.

 _"Yea...you owe me."_ she winked.

 _"Whatever you want, B...it's yours."_ I smiled sweetly at her and Mami cleared her throat. Everyone laughed as I hid my face from them.

* * *

Once we were in the suite I wasted no time, grabbing my baby and heading straight to the bedroom. I felt someone behind me and refused to turn around. I was too tired. I climbed into bed and wrapped the huge comforter around myself and then tucked Daniela under my boob so that she could eat. I rested my head back against the headboard and felt my eyes drifting closed when the talking started.

_"We have to talk."_

I cracked an eye open and saw my mother sitting across from me...in a chair from the dining room.

 _"Ay, Mami no."_ I mumbled. The room was suddenly drowned in sunlight as Mami pulled open all the curtains.

 _"No. This is important,"_ she stressed as she ripped the blanket off me.

 _"Fuck!"_ I said as I put my free hand over my face.

 _"You dare talk to your mother like that? I was in labor for 46 hours! I had you naturally without drugs and you dare talk to me like that? We discussed this...we went through this just a few days ago, and you still talk to me like that?"_ My eyes popped open as I heard my mother start the waterworks.

 _"I'm up! Ok? Lo s-siento Mami."_ I was now holding my arm open for her so that she could hug me. The moment I held her, she kissed my face but then abruptly pulled away from me, wiped away the fake tears and looked me up and down.

_"When did you shower last?"_

I scrunched up my eyebrows and leaned into my armpit and sniffed. I looked back at her and then shrugged my shoulders...did I still smell like sex?

_"Before I left New York."_

_"Eww...I raised you better. Go shower and then we can talk."_

_"Can't we just talk while I shower?"_

_"Fine."_

_"Can you take Daniela out to Britt, so that she can burp her?"_ I said as I made my way to the bathroom. _  
_

_"Okay."_

* * *

I stripped down and walked straight into the shower. I kind of felt ashamed that I hadn't showered especially since Britt had been all over my body the night before...or maybe she liked my funk. B can be kinky like that sometimes.

Could anyone blame me though? I was just barely hanging on most days and with my body coming down from drugs, I felt so fucking tired lately. I heard the door open and then close as I stepped under the water and allowed the water to saturate my skin.

 _"So talk."_ I said as I allowed the water to rinse away the sleepiness and my crankiness.

_"It's about Felicia."_

Ugh the last person I wanted to hear about was my sisters' beached whale of a mother especially while showering.

_"Ugh...why, Mami?"_

_"Show some respect."_

_"I will respect her if she d-does the same."_

_"Sandra tells me that Felicia wants three separate services and wants you to pay for them."_

_"What?"_ I screeched, nearly falling but managing to catch myself on the rail.

_"Calm down, Santana!"_

_"I am not m-made of money! I have kids. I have a home, a wife, am-mong other things."_

_"Other things?" She sounded curious and I knew she'd find out anyway so I just was real with her._

_I pulled back the shower curtain and looked her in the eyes. "Rehab." I sighed._

_She searched my eyes and tilted her head. "Coke?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"When?"_

_"Monday...wh-when I was with you."_

_"Santana...mamita...you've worked so hard." I felt the tears coming and wiped them quickly before sniffing._

_"I know." I blew out a breath and then changed the subject. "_ _Wh-Whyy doesn't she get off her fat ass and p-pay for something herself?"_

_"Santana!"_ my mom yelled.

_"I mean it Mami. She has the nerve to want me to foot the bill af-after the w-way she talked to me? That's crazy!"_

_"Brenda was your sister."_

_"Th-This is not about Brenda and the kids. I w-would do anything for them Mami, you know that!"_

I had my hands clenching my hair and tried not to freak out too much. I was so pissed about all this.

Showers have always been insanely relaxing for me but now I wanted to explode.

_"I am on your side Santana. I'm just letting you know that this is what is going on."_

I climbed out of the shower and wrapped myself up in a towel.

Mami was leaning against the sink filing her nails like she didn't have a care in the world. So that's where I get that habit...interesting.

_"Well, I t-texted Sal. He is f-flying in to handle her estate. I'll let h-him take care of these things."_

_"And what do you plan to do?"_

_"I am gonna p-pay my r-respects to my sister and my nephews, I'm gonna show Evan th-that we didn't forget his b-birthday. I'm gonna spend time w-with my wife and d-daughter and I'm gonna get out of this warped city. Th-Then I am going to get home to my son, so that I can take care of him. I am going to try and not stress myself out b-because I have so many things to worry about!"_ I said.

I could feel the tears burning the corners of my eyes as I breezed past my mother and stepped into the bedroom with anger thrumming through my bones.

Britt sat on the edge of the bed looking concerned.

She must have heard me yelling.

Mami followed me into the room and pressed a hand to my lower back.

_"Mija...I love you. I'm here for you. If there is anyway I can make things easier for you. Tell me okay?"_

I turned as looked at her while still trying to get my emotions under control.

_"Let me have s-some alone time with my B and Daniela. I w-would like to rest before d-dealing with saying g-goodbye to two of my nephews and my sister. Please?"_

_"Okay. I'll take everyone downstairs for breakfast. We can meet up with you later, I can even take the baby."_

I felt like such a bitch. I watched Mami walking towards the door and realized that I was taking my anger with Felicia out on her and it wasn't right.

 _"Mami?"_ she hesitated with her hand on the door.

She didn't turn around which meant that she was probably on the verge of tears herself. I walked over to her and kissed her cheek.

_"Th-Thank you for being here and l-looking out for me. I love you."_

Mami nodded and then left the room. I knew that she was upset still and it made me feel like a horrible daughter.

We had been working really hard to mend our relationship since Papi died and I had been snapping at her a lot and had even hit her last week.

I had to DO better.

* * *

Everyone cleared out of the suite after I made two more bottles for the baby before kissing her a dozen times and sending her with my mom. I trusted that she would be okay.

Hopefully, this would be the rest that I need.

 _"Are you hungry?"_ Britt asked as I began to get dressed.

_"I guess. I just want a nap, really, B."_

I pulled on some old Cheerio shorts and one of Britt's big t-shirts before climbing back on the bed and under the covers.

_"Okay. I'm going to set an alarm for us. I'm tired too."_

_"Score. Now I'll definitely get sleep."_ I muttered before closing my eyes.

Britt crawled in the bed and wrapped herself around me.

With Britt there beside me, holding me tightly, I fell to sleep in no time but my sleep was no better than being awake. I was in the car in the dream, I was my sister, getting hit by that drunk teenager...then I was the drunk teenager.

And I was cackling.

Then I was screaming as I watched my nephews die. I was sobbing as I was shaken awake by Britt's wild arms.

"Shh...I'm here, baby." She held me so tight as I cried.

My whole body was rocking, my skin was crawling and uncontrollable sobs were breaking from my throat. I had my hands covering my face and couldn't stop the sounds coming out of me.

I was hiccuping between sobs and could barely get my breathing steady.

 _"I n-need to get out of here."_ I pulled out of Britt's hold and slid down out of the bed.

_"Where do you want to go?"_

_"I just n-need to get th-through this next couple of days and then I need to get home. Okay?"_

_"Okay...do you want to tell me about your dream?"  
_

_"NO! Just...please...I need to not think about it."_

* * *

Britt nodded and headed straight for the suitcase. I stormed into the bathroom and washed my face over and over. I looked swollen and gross and wasn't sure how helpful my makeup was going to be but I had to try.

I heard the knock at the door while I was halfway through working on my face.

_"Ana...food's here. Finish up...so we can eat before it gets cold."_

I huffed and quickly pushed through my mascara and decided to leave my lips alone until after I ate. I was daydreaming about simpler times as I made my way to the dining area. My hair was hanging down in tangles around my face and I knew that I looked a horrid mess but couldn't bother to care. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear but I couldn't afford that...I decided some time between putting on my concealer and my eye shadow that if I could control nothing around me then I would just focus on myself and the health of my family.

I plowed through breakfast and made sure to eat until I was full not until my Sue-conscious told me I had enough. For the first time in years I was truly satisfied with what I ate and how much.

Britt pulled out one of my black power suits and although I packed the perfect set of heels she insisted that I put on my flats instead, saying that she didn't want me to stumble in a daze or anything. I wanted to argue but I was barely holding it together as it was. Once we were both dressed it was a little after noon.

So we decided to head down to the car.

_"Where to, baby?"_

_"B-Brenda's. I want to get things s-settled before tonight."_

_"What time is the service?"_

_"Five."_

The ride to Beverly Hills was surprisingly quick; we were there in no time at all. When we pulled into the driveway I saw both Mami and Sandra's rentals so I knew that I was probably the only one missing.

I parked the car and then sat back in my seat trying to get myself together.

Even with me building up my resolve, I was feeling insanely nervous. I am the youngest sister; I am the youngest of my father's children but I was worth nearly 100 million, while the rest of them were all hovering around 10 million. Maybe I seemed stingy but I wasn't...I had my own shit too.

I had debts and addictions, so much of my money was tied up to keep me from binging on drugs.

Speaking of which, how could I be expected to hold everyone up?

Normally...okay...fuck that...I have no normal anymore...realistically, I should be able to just be at the funeral with no worries.

But this family wasn't normal and they never thought realistically!

It was fucking screwed up!

* * *

I sat there for over ten minutes just trying to get my breathing under control. Thoughts of Brenda, her sons and my own kids swirled in my head until I was dizzy and feeling like I was going to run and find some blow.

The darkness was calling me and I was feeling like my resolve to stay clean was slipping. I couldn't go back to that place.

Too much was at stake.

I had been rubbing my palms together, trying to find an escape into LA that would get me numb but I couldn't.

Not again even if my whole body was thrumming with anxieties.

Britt reached over and linked her pinky with mine, then pulled me towards her until our lips met.

She kissed me with roughness but sweetness at the same time. I buried my shaking fingers in her hair and she groaned when I nipped her lip.

Even now, she was a seductress.

 _"How do y-you get me wet with just a k-kiss?"_ I muttered, shaking my head at her.

She grinned.

_"Told you, I'm the foremost expert. I could probably get an orgasm out of you with a kiss too."_

_"I'd like to see you t-try."_ I looked over at her and she smiled sweetly at me.

_"Challenge accepted, Lolli."_

_"Thanks for c-calming me, B."_

_"It's my job and I promise you that if it gets too much, that I'm getting you out of here, okay?"_

_"God, yes."_

_"Now let's go get this family drama over with."_ She said, reminding me of myself.

It shocked me just how serious she looked and suddenly, I was filled with a calming peace because I knew that Brittany was prepared to kick everyone's ass and throw me over her shoulder to get me out of there if she had to.

Every day, Britt was becoming more and more, my personal hero!


	41. One Sweet Day (Mariah Carey feat. Boyz II Men)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Thanks B."_

I said as I checked my makeup and my hair for the tenth time before climbing out of the car. The moment that we were on the doorstep I could hear the yelling from inside, it was far cry from the night before. I gripped Britt's hand as I froze in place.

_"It's going to be okay, Ana."_

_"How do you know?"_

_"I just do. You just need to have some faith."_

_"Why c-couldn't I just be like a normal funeral attendee?"_

_"Nothing about you is normal baby, you are exceptional."_ She leaned in and kissed my lips. Then her phone buzzed and she pulled away.

_"Y-You can answer it."_

She took her phone out and got a sad smile. Then she turned the phone so that I could see it.

**_Hey honey, just got to town. See you at the funeral tonight. Give my love to Santana!-Mom_ **

Tears were in my eyes, it was amazing that her mom was showing up for me, a month after the death of her child.

_"She's coming?"_

_"Yeah. She wanted to be here for you and me. Your family was there for her and she wants to show that kind of support. Dad...he's...he couldn't make it."_ She shrugged and I sensed that there was more to it but she wasn't sharing and I wasn't going to push.

There was another yell and I tensed up, I so didn't want to go in there.

My hands began to shake, I just needed something to take the edge off but there was no chance of that, well there was but I had been trying so fucking hard to resist. Britt had her hand on the doorknob when I frantically pulled at her arm...

 _"I h-have something w-with me and I need you to let me t-take it. Please?"_ I felt like I wanted to cry. _"I h-haven't taken anything since...that day but right now...B."_

She whipped around and stared hard at me.

 _"What do you have?"_ Did she think I had coke? Like...I'd never ask permission for that. Come on, B...know me a little better.

_"In my p-purse. Side pocket. L-Low dose X-Xanax."_

I expected a look of betrayal but she nodded and then dug in the bag that she had over her shoulder.

She patiently pulled out the little pack of pills I had stuffed in there, pulled out one and held it between us.

 _"The only way I can feel okay with you taking these is if you don't go looking for them yourself. So come to me, like you just did. Okay?"_ Then she put the rest of the pills in her pocket and patted it with a satisfied smile.

_"Y-You're not mad?"_

_"Q told me that you had them after your seizure...they wanted to wean you off...she filled the prescription, did you think she wouldn't tell me?"_

I shrugged, it wouldn't be the first time.

She handed me the pill and I swallowed it back before taking the water bottle she was handing me.

My heart felt like it was racing and my breathing still felt constricted. She smiled at me and placed her free hand on my chest.

 _"Breathe baby. It's just a panic attack. Just breathe through it, the pill will kick in and you'll relax_ _...just think about Brenda...think about Ethan and Brendan. Think of Izzy and Dani...come on baby you have to breathe!"_ she now had me wrapped in her arms and was rocking me softly, singing that damned Lollipop song.

I closed my eyes and let my breathing slow as I listened to the silly song as the pill began to take the edge off.

After a few moments I could take a deep breath without feeling like my chest was going to cave in and I had my wife to thank for that.

Britt was still looking down at me waiting for me to give the go ahead as I wiped at my tears and prayed that my makeup wasn't ruined. Thank God for waterproof mascara!

I looked into her eyes and could see all the care and concern that she was feeling for me, my body tingled instead of trembling and the smile that followed was genuine.

 _"I love you."_ I said and she kissed me again.

 _"And I love you, through all of this. I've got your back as much or as little as you need. I'm here."_ I nodded, took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. I reached deep and pulled out my inner Sue Sylvester and then smiled.

 _"Okay, I'm ready."_ I said stepping past her and pushing the door open.

I wasn't going to let anyone bully me.

That was my job!

* * *

It wasn't hard finding my family this time because the yelling was even louder inside then it was on the front step.

I was passing the kitchen when I saw my nephews sitting with Mami, eating Popsicles. I poked my head in and Mami looked at me anxiously.

We were all on edge and I was hoping that I could reset everything today.

Enough was enough.

 _"Hey niños!"_ I said excitedly. Xavier waved at me and gave me his biggest smile. I looked at Evan and could see that the yelling was getting to him. His face was red and his eyes were puffy and swollen. Brenda had always tried to keep her boys in a peaceful environment and so all this yelling was not normal for them. _"Where's Daniela?"_

_"I just put her down with Norah...the yelling got bad, I took her upstairs and put her to sleep. She's had a long day for a baby."_

_"Oh ok."_

Mami got up from where she was sitting and came over to the doorway, she looked at me worriedly and then she pulled both Britt and me into a hug, pulling our ears close to her mouth in the process.

_"Sal is here and Felicia is all wound up about everything. They are all in there fighting about the funeral arrangements and custody of the boys. Celia just got here with Quinn on top of that, so it's pretty tense in there. I'm taking the boys outside to walk in the orchard all of this is way too much for them. I was just waiting to see you, so you weren't going in there blind."_

I nodded and kissed her cheek and could tell that Britt had mimicked me.

 _"Thanks Mami."_ I kissed her face and then turned to my wife. _"B, go with Mami and the b-boys. I don't want you pulled into this. Y-You should also ch-check in on your mom."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes. I will call you if I need you."_

Britt leaned in and kissed my cheek before pulling me into a hug. She was trying to hide it but I could feel her relief. I smiled as big as I could as I waited for the four of them to leave the house.

It was always easier to unleash my inner bitch when Mami and Britt weren't around.

Now I just needed to distract Q, so that we could have a family discussion without extra opinions.

* * *

I headed down the hallway and pushed open the double doors to the living room and stepped inside. All the yelling ceased and the attention was immediately on me. I spotted Sal sitting in the center of the room looking flustered.

Sandra was right by having me talk to him, because him here without me looked like it was driving him to quit. I couldn't have that. I walked straight over to him and he stood and wrapped his arms around me. As he held me against him, I could feel the tension in his body ease.

I don't think he had ever been so happy to see me.

 _"Th-hey beating you up, Sal?"_ I looked up at him with a smirk, completely ignoring my family.

 _"Yes. I thought you and Aden were a handful. Goodness. They are a tough bunch."_ he returned my smirk and then pulled me down to sit beside him.

I looked around at the open stares and grinned.

_"So what's going on?"_

A few moments ago everyone was at each other's throats but now they all looked hesitant.

How is it possible for me to have such a powerful role in my family? I think it definitely had something to do with my money and/or who my father was. My bet was on the money though, with my investments and assets I was now at a net worth of 100 million.

Buying a shares in Apple, Tesla and Bacardi had been smart of my father and when he transferred his shares to me unbeknownst to the family, my worth skyrocketed and kept growing. So while they knew I had a ton of money...I was glad that with the exception of Sandra and Sal, they didn't realize just how much I was worth. Britt didn't even know the full extent of my wealth.

Which was probably best, since throwing money around was a turn off for her.

Having the money, also made me nervous, I could send myself into the best drug high with it. It's why Sandra had control until I was 25...it's why I had safeguards to keep me from going off the deep end.

And I was becoming more aware of the fact that I was now than my father had ever been...the family valued that but me, I just wanted to hide from it because I was an addict. My mind kept going back to how much coke I could buy. I should be past those sorts of thoughts but in moments of stress...that's what I thought of.

I closed my eyes and then took a deep breath.

This was so overwhelming but I would control what I could.

* * *

I searched the room and saw Quinn standing in the far corner quietly going back and forth with Celia. Felicia sat just five feet away and kept staring at them with a look of disgust and huffing occasionally.

 _"Q?"_ I said loudly.

Her freshly colored, black hair whipped around and she looked at me with a huge smile on her face. I patted the cushion beside me and she nodded. Quinn had always been ballsy in a circumspect way but now...she was just willful. She leaned forward and kissed Celia quickly before strutting across the room and plopping down beside me.

 _"Hey San!"_ she said as she nudged my side and planted a kiss on my cheek. _"I missed you."_ she said. Looking desperate to be anywhere else and I would definitely help with that.

 _"M-Missed you too."_ I mumbled truthfully, even though it had just been like a little over a day since I'd seen her. _"C-Can you go up and ch-check on the b-baby for me?"_

 _"Of course! Don't be too hard on them...okay?"_ she said before jumping to her feet and heading straight out of the door. I had given her a way out of this tense situation and she grabbed it with both hands.

I wished that I could go with her but because of my status in the family, I had to stay put and handle things that I felt were way too much for someone who was barely twenty but that didn't matter.

Not as much as my bank accounts did.

I knew that money equaled respect in my family so I made sure to hold my head up high and tried to smile. I pushed thoughts of Brenda to the forefront of my mind and went to speak but was immediately cut off.

 _"Why are you here?"_ Felicia said raising her voice to a fever pitch.

I was fed up. I was done with her bullshit and wanted to convey that without too much stuttering...but I knew that would be an uphill battle but without Mami or B, here to reign me in, I looked her straight in the eye and stared her down.

Even my sisters were silent as I prepared to tear down their mother.

_"Listen and hear me clearly, you wench! You will not d-disrespect me." Her eyes got wide and she stared at her daughters for assistance but they just nodded in agreement, so I continued. "_ _I don't give a flying f-fuck who you are! Wh-When was the last time that you even spoke to B-Brenda or saw those boys?"_

_"Excuse me?"_

_"_ _You don't f-fucking know, do you? Brenda told me how you have al-always treated her boys as less than because their dad was black. She told me how you laughed wh-when she told you how E-Ethan was blown to pieces in Iraq. You are the one that doesn't f-fucking belong here!"_

She looked gobsmacked and indignant. I slapped a smile back on my face, as I maintained eye contact. The Xanax was keeping me from completely losing my cool.

I was waiting for the room to erupt but it didn't, not at all, instead all that I could hear was crying from across the room.

When I looked over, I could see Mari crying in Sandra's arms and Celia was rubbing her back. Had I gone too far?

They hadn't attempted to defend their mother so I thought it was okay. I bit my lip, wondering what I should do next. Felicia was shaking in rage, I had hit a nerve and said things that no one else had the balls to and I was glad that my mother was out of earshot.

* * *

 _"Mentiras! All of it."_ Felicia finally said once she picked her jaw up off the floor.

I went to speak but was distracted by Sandra coming across the room, yanking Felicia to her feet and pulling her out into the hallway. Mari sat down across from me and wiped at her eyes. She looked hurt...it was like staring right at Brenda but I swallowed that feeling of utter listlessness and smiled politely at her.

 _"Sorry if I went too f-far."_ I said and she shook her head and reached for me, her hand holding tight to mine.

 _"What else did Brenda say?"_ I was surprised that she was asking me since that was her twin sister and they had always been the closest, had Brenda not shared this with her.

 _"She only talked about F-Felicia and how she hoped none of us would ever turn out to be a mother like her. S-She told me how she hoped that your future children got the side of you that was compassionate and nothing like your mom. She also said how she has come to look at my mom as more of a mother."_ Mari nodded in understanding, I knew that all of my sisters felt that way about my mom and I knew that she cared a hell of a lot for them too.

_"When did you two have this talk?"_

_"After Papi's fu-funeral last year and th-then a little bit after Daniela. I didn't mean to hurt you Mari..."_

_"No...don't backpedal now, Ana. I'm not upset with you. I'm just asking because I have a tough decision to make here."_

_"What decision is there? Do one fu-funeral, it will just be easier on the b-boys. Evan is cr-cracking apart."_ I pleaded with my sisters. _"I h-have never known him to be so br-broken. He lost his tw-twin just like you did Mari. We should get it all over with tonight. Th-Then come back and try to celebrate his b-birthday that we missed yesterday. B-Brenda wouldn't want any of this fighting. You know that!"_

Mari nodded her head and looked around at everyone and they were nodding in agreement.

_"That's settled then. We will just do everything tonight."_

_"Good."_

_"That was just the tip of the iceberg, what I'm talking about though is custody. Evan wants to go with you."_

_"What?"_ I was thrown for a loop. _"Why?"_ This shocked me completely.

Mari sighed really heavy and fresh tears came to her eyes.

_"It hurts for him to look at me. He cried when I tucked him in last night and he specifically requested to go to New York with you and if not you then Sandra."_

_"Um...ok...I have to..."_ All I could think about was rehab and relapses...how would this affect my nephews if they were with me?

_"I'm not going to split them up, Ana."_

_I looked around the room, it was just Celia, Mari, Johnny and Sal. No extraness...and while I should wait for Sandra to come back, she's dealing with enough._

_"I n-need to be honest about s-something."_

_Mari's eyes got wide._

_"What?"_

_"I relapsed on M-Monday. I pl-plan to go to rehab when we g-get back. I d-don't think I'm the best for them._ _I also h-have Isaac in the hospital, a new baby and now rehab. I th-think those boys need attention that I can't give."_

_My sisters looked concerned now on top of their worry and I felt like shit for dropping that bomb on them._

_"And Brittany knows?" Mari asked, looking in my eyes. "Are you on something now?" Her doctor voice coming out._

_"Yes she kn-knows. I t-took Xanax. Low d-dose...I n-needed it today. Britt is h-holding them for me."_

_Mari nodded and then leaned in and kissed my face. "I'm proud of you for being truthful about all of this. We will have your back however you need. Okay? We can't lose another sister."_

_I dropped my head and wiped the fresh tears._

_Celia and Mari wrapped me up in a hug, then we were all sitting again and wiping our faces._

_How hard was this week?_

Mari then looked over towards Johnny. _"Will you and Sandra take them?"_ she asked, while fighting back her emotions.

_"We would be more than happy to take them Mari, I'm not sure if we tell them why they can't go to Ana...but Sandra and I have discussed this and are prepared to take them."_

_"We will just tell him a version of the the truth, he's 11 and doesn't need the minutia. Just that Ana just had a baby and can't look after them but that she will still be close by."_

_"Of course." I said._

_"_ _It's settled then."_ She nodded and then pushed up from the couch. She headed towards the door looking tired but then looked over her shoulder at the occupants of the room and then her eyes landed on me.

 _"Ana...I know it's a lot to ask but can you please take care of this,"_ she circled her finger around the room, _"take it off my hands. You're right...I'm barely holding it together. I just want to bury our sister and her boys in peace."_

I nodded and watched as she left the room. I looked around at who was remaining. Everyone looked tired or angry.

_"Okay...familia. It has been a rough day. L-Let's eat and just enjoy each other. We didn't fly all this way to fight."_

If the glee kids could see me now being the voice of reason, they would be shocked. I had definitely turned a corner in my maturity. Everyone in the room seemed to agree with me because they quickly dispersed towards the front of the house.

* * *

_"_ _So then she stumbles drunk into my room and falls into bed with me. I tried to resist but Quinn just has this growling thing...ugh!"_

_"I do not!"_ Quinn screeched.

I was laughing my ass off as I chilled with my sisters and cousins in the kitchen. After our big talk, more family showed up and thankfully didn't have to deal with what I did when I got there.

Everyone was off in different parts of the house filling each corner with laughter and stories. After ten minutes of the family unity Mari came out from hiding holding Daniela in her arms, I could hear the whining. I tucked into a kitchen barstool and began to feed her. The women in the room glanced my way and smile but then began pressing cookies for the kids to decorate when they came back and didn't pay me any mind.

Thank goodness. I hated being gawked at.

My cousins Demi, Paola and Tito were joking around with Celia wanting to know more about her mysterious girlfriend. She was currently telling them how her and Q hooked up, Quinn stayed quiet and began to crack eggs into a bowl.

 _"So Ana...you have slept with this girl too?"_ Demi asked. I froze and shot Quinn a look, not quite sure Celia even knew that tidbit. Quinn, kept her head down and began to beat the eggs furiously as her cheeks turned red.

When I saw my sisters raised eyebrow I knew that my inkling was right. Quinn wasn't offering any kind of assistance, instead she was acting like she wasn't even there.

 _"Um...yea we were kids th-though...not even in high school."_ I said trying to reassure my sister.

 _"Wow sis...I'm kind of shocked. At least you didn't hook up with Brittany, right, Q?"_ she said turning to Quinn.

Quinn still didn't lift her head...she flushed an even deeper shade of red and began to mix in the flour.

My wife and her fucking timing drives me so insane sometimes and this was definitely one of those moments. She had caught the tale end of Celia's comment.

 _"Oh we sure have, right Q?"_ Britt said as she bounced in the room with a sleeping Xavier on her shoulder. She came over and pecked me on the lips and then nudged Quinn's shoulder. _"It was so last year you have nothing to worry about. We both had a little too much to drink. Anyway I'm going to go and lay him down...score you're making cookies!"_ she beamed and then left the room.

* * *

I looked over at Celia and she looked pale as she stared Quinn down. Celia was standing across the counter staring at me hard while Quinn stood there mixing her ingredients a little too roughly.

 _"Ceily...please don't be pissed. W-We are all in different p-places in our lives now."_ I looked down and brushed Daniela's little cheek.

_"You know what, Ana, it explains so much. It explains the intimacy between you and Quinn. It's like you are closer than even you and your wife."_

I pressed my lips together and tried not to look annoyed but I could tell that I wasn't doing such a good job.

 _"Me and Santana? Seriously? We would kill each other inside of a week!"_ Quinn laughed out as she looked incredulously at her girlfriend.

I looked over at Quinn with gratitude, happy that she finally said something and apparently it did the trick because Celia's face went back to a normal color and she didn't look like she was going to kill me.

_"I know that you two aren't going to do anything and that I have nothing to worry about it, I guess it just makes me feel stupid. You three walking around...living together as if you haven't all hooked up with each other."_

_"Look it's not Ana's fault that I wasn't honest with you. She loves Brittany. She also fought hard for us to get back together."_ Quinn said as she rubbed Celia's back and kissed her lips. _"I only have eyes for you baby, not San, Britt, or Rachel. Just you."_

Celia looked over at me and stared for a long time. I tucked my boob away and began to burp Daniela softly. This conversation was just too much.

 _"Please don't be mad Celia."_ Britt said as she rested her chin on my shoulder. I felt her wrap her hands around my waist and then she kissed the side of my neck. _"Ana only has eyes for me and I am totally committed to her now."_

I felt the heat flood my cheeks and other places as she spoke against my neck. B had effectively steered my attention back away from such a touchy subject. Quinn saw me flushing and came and took Daniela from me.

 _"Um...why don't you two...go spend some time together while I spend some time with my baby girl here."_ Quinn made a face at Daniela and she smiled. It was the cutest thing in the world.

I was happy that Quinn was returning the favor of getting me out of the room.

I needed it.

Everyone went back to their tasks as Britt pulled me away for a make out session in the bathroom.

She pressed my body against the sink and kissed along my jaw and down my neck.

 _"Shit, I want you."_ I growled and she grinned at me then she rested her forehead against mine and stared deeply into my eyes.

 _"I want you so bad, Ana. After you promised me that this morning about sticking that strap on anywhere, I haven't been able to get it off my mind. I want to bend you over and...ugh."_ she leaned into me and nibbled my ear.

 _"Britt..."_ I whispered out.

_"You want me, baby?"_

_"God yes!"_

There was a loud knocking at the door that I was all set to ignore until I heard a squeaky little voice that effectively splashed cold water on all of my raging hormones.

 _"Titi Ana? I gotta go potty!"_ Fuck! It was Xavier awake from his nap.

Britt jumped back and straightened my jacket and wiping my smeared lipstick before opening the door.

Xavier stood there beaming. He pointed up at us and laughed.

 _"I tricked you! Ah ha!"_ then the little bum ran screaming. _"Titi Ceily you owe me five dollars!"_

He set us up!

So rude!

* * *

_"Brenda Xiomara Lopez-Douglas, met her husband Ethan Douglas, when he was stationed in Puerto Rico. She was nineteen when they met and when she got serious about dating him she hid it from our mother until the day they ran off and eloped. He was then stationed in California so they moved with Ethan Jr. and Evan out to a place they had never been. Brenda was head over heels in love with her husband and her children; she also fiercely loved her sisters and nephews. She was on her way home from dropping Evan off at a friends house with her other three sons and was struck head on by a drunk driver. Brenda, Ethan Jr., and Brendan were killed instantly. Her second youngest Xavier was thrown from the car and landed in a bush. He was the only survivor. Brenda is survived by her two sons, Evan and Xavier. Our mother Felicia Nunez, her four sisters, Sandra, Celia, Damariz and Santana, two nephews, Johnny and Isaac and two nieces, Daniela and Norah. A host of cousins, in-laws, uncles and aunts. Today we come together to send them off with all the things that my sister loved the most, family, friends, stories and music. Our family asks that you please keep her sons in your prayers tonight. Thank you."_

Sandra had always been the strongest of us that was of course, until it was her time to speak at the funeral so Celia stood up and took her place.

The night was truly filled with jokes, stories and so many hopes for Brenda's two remaining sons. We had intended to keep it closed casket even though all three of them just looked like they were sleeping but Evan begged us to let him see them all one last time.

How could we deny him that?

Xavier had ended up crying himself to sleep in Johnny's arms...he seemed to finally understand that his mom and brothers weren't coming back.

We allowed the rest of the family to go up to the front before us and then me and my three sisters, Celia holding Xavier, all of us surrounded Evan and walked with him to the front.

He stood stiffly in front of Brendan and brushed his fingers across his baby brother's face lightly as he sucked in a shaky breath. I bit the inside of my cheek and allowed the tears to run down my face but I wouldn't allow myself to cry out. Then we all touched Brendan at the same time and we bowed our heads as Evan said a little prayer for his baby brother.

My heart was hurting as we moved on to Ethan Jr.

Evan stood there staring at his own face lying there still. He covered his own face for a second as his body shook, I touched his back and he looked up at me with watery eyes. I nodded in understanding, keeping my hand on his back as he placed his hand on his twin's face and leaned over and kissed his forehead. He was whispering in his ear and then he placed his hand on his brother's chest over his heart and we all did the same while he choked through a prayer.

I felt like I was going to pass out when we finally made our way over towards Brenda. She had a ton of makeup caked on her face. Her hair was down but you could still see the scratches on the side of her face. She had taken the force of the impact.

It hurt so fucking much to see her laying there.

This time it was Damariz that stepped forward with Evan holding tight to her hand. She was talking to Brenda and then she was completely leaned over and sobbed against Brenda's chest. We surrounded Damariz closely and touched her and Brenda at the same time. I began to pray out loud for Brenda and the kids and for all of us.

I kept asking God to touch us all and stay with us through this hard time.

Things were really tense earlier back at the house but right now, the room was filled with nothing but love.

Brenda would have loved it.

* * *

When we stepped back towards the pews, the pastor closed the three caskets and made the sign of the cross. Evan stood there and just watched as they rolled his family and lined them up in a long row so that they could be carried out of the church. I was happy that I pushed my family to finish this tonight as I watched my nephew drop to his knees and cry into his hands.

 _"No, no, no...God please...no."_ Evan whispered as he cried. I walked over to him and pulled him to his feet and let him cry against me. I held him against me and refused to let go as his whole body shook.

At least I think it was just him that was shaking.

The pastor nodded towards us.

Johnny, Saul, Tio Manny, and Tio Eddie, Ethan's dad and our cousin Tito lined up on either side of Brenda's casket.

I knelt down and rubbed my hands up and down Evan's arms.

_"We need you now, Ev...can you do this?"_

He looked at me and nodded as he wiped his eyes.

_"Yes, Titi...I can do it."_

_"Okay...go ahead then."_

He nodded and headed over to the middle casket. He, Brittany, Titi Carla, and Celia stood on either side of Ethan Jr. and then finally Sandra and Demi stood beside little Brendan. I liked that everyone was falling into rank. My chest got tight as all at once the caskets were lifted and carried out of the church. Damariz and I held onto Xavier's hands following solemnly behind the caskets. With Saul and Mami following us, as they held the babies.

It was good to see everyone working together.

They had finally realized why we were all here.

Thank God!

The ride to the cemetery at sunset was insanely quiet. I took the opportunity to feed the baby as I laid my head on Britt's shoulder. I was so overwhelmed as I felt my eyes burning from all the tears.

We managed to get a plot next to Ethan so that Brenda could be buried next to her husband and children. It was in the center of the huge cemetery. It was fitting that we could put Brenda and Ethan back together.

This was all insanely tough so I was happy that I could at least be normal enough and calm enough to feed my baby.

Daniela was serving as a kind of sedative for me. I had to hold it together for her.

She needed me.

When we stepped out of the limo, I handed Daniela back to Mami as I walked Britt over to the casket and walked beside her as they carried the caskets over to the burial plots. Britt's whole face was red as she carried the casket. I watched her whole chest contracting as she choked back her tears. She had Evan on the opposite, side of her and she was trying not to break in front of him.

She had always been, happy Aunt B and she didn't want to show her emotions. She had spent way too much time around me because she was starting to build walls as high as a castle. I was just glad that they weren't with me or the family.

Small miracles were still at work.

Watching all three caskets being lowered into the ground at the same time was just an insane sight that I never wanted to see again.

I knew that Britt felt the same way.

* * *

After the burial everyone that could headed back to Brenda's house and for the repast, it was packed and this time the atmosphere was joyous and cordial.

Even Felicia was on her best behavior, for once. Halfway through the night, Johnny had to leave so he could meet his team. Damariz and Saul took it upon themselves to take the boys shopping for suitcases so that they could pack up stuff they wanted before they took the flight back to New York, the next day.

While they were gone, everyone rushed around decorating the house and making it look like a party. Britt had even gone out to get some gifts for them and then her and Sandra stood off to the side wrapping them with my cousins. Brenda would be so thrilled to see all of us pulling together to celebrate Evan. Once again even Felicia, laughed and participated.

I swear it was like being in the fucking twilight zone watching her laugh and joke with Quinn and Celia.

Whatever Sandra had said to her in that hallway, earlier must have really done the trick because she didn't have one off side glance or anything! Maybe she realized that this was about the boys now and keeping them happy and stable. Their whole lives had just changed.

Things were definitely about to be shaken up for them.

We needed to all be in their corners, including Felicia.

I was going to make sure of that!

 _"Surprise!"_ the room sang out as Evan walked into the dining room.

Evan looked around and then his eyes landed on me and the corners of his mouth lifted slightly as tears came to his eyes. It was bittersweet but I knew when I saw a little bit of light come back to his eyes as he looked at me, that we had done the right thing.

 _"Thank you!"_ Evan said as he flung himself at me. He was fair though, he went around the room and hugged and kissed everyone.

After Evan made it back over to me, we started to sing to him and then passed around presents as I cut the cake that Quinn had made earlier.

For that moment in time, we all forgot the painful evening that we had just had and we celebrated Evan and Xavier.

It was what they needed and in some way, it was what we all needed too.

After the house had cleared out late Friday night it was just the sisters and Britt. Mami had taken my uncles back to the hotel. I was letting them have it for the weekend. We were sitting around, me trying to book a million flights for the next morning when Felicia finally decided to speak up.

_"So, Celia, are you serious about this girl?"_

Ceily looked shocked but held tight to Q's hand.

 _"Absolutely, I just finished fixing up my place in Brooklyn and_ _...I was hoping to ask Quinn here,"_ she squeezed Q's hand. _"to move in with me."_

Quinn's face lit up as she looked at my sister. _"Of course, baby!"_ she said as she wrapped her arms around Ceily and kissed her senseless.

Felicia didn't flinch as she looked on. She just nodded and said to Quinn.

 _"I like you for my daughter,"_ then she looked at Celia and smiled. _"She's a keeper...don't mess it up!"_

* * *

We returned to the hotel late that night and didn't plan on sleeping very much. Mami took the baby to her room for the night because she was returning to Lima the next morning and wanted to spend as much time as she could especially since Britt and I had an early flight. The chartered plane was leaving at a little after six and we were not going to be late this time. We were just planning on sleeping on the plane.

A whole group of us would be heading to the airport around the same time, this time it would be Damariz, Saul, baby Norah, Sandra, the boys, Celia, Quinn and then me, Britt and Daniela. It was going to be a packed plane and so we were all trying to get ourselves ready so that we could all be there on time.

We had to stay awake.

I was still feeling antsy and shaky as we packed our bags.

_"Are you hungry, Ana?"_

_"No...not really."_ I smiled as we walked hand in hand towards the suite. My uncles and cousins, headed out right out after the funeral and Quinn was staying in Celia's room, so it was just us.

_"Too bad."_

She whispered as she shut the door behind me and pushed me up against it.

 _"How can you be in the m-mood?"_ I asked as she nipped at my bottom lip.

 _"You don't want me?"_ she asked as she kissed my neck. _"When's the next time we get alone time like this, babe?"_ she said as she began to peel off my jacket.

 _"Um...uh."_ I felt like a teenage boy...all the blood rushed from my head straight to my clit. I was on fire.

 _"Tell me to stop and I will."_ she mumbled as she sucked on my neck and continued to undress me.

 _"Uh, uh...oh...shit..."_ Britt had moved quickly as she hoisted me up so that I had my legs around her waist.

 _"How about a shower?"_ she mumbled as she walked us into the bedroom.

I was lost in her kisses as I clung to her and kissed her back.

She was able to navigate us to the bathroom without injury and before I knew what was happening, I was naked and pressed against the cold tile.

 _"I need you, B."_ I moaned as she sucked on my breasts lightly. _"That feels so good!"_ I had been worried that after breastfeeding this would be awkward but it felt so different.

She dropped to her knees and lifted me so that both my legs were thrown over her shoulders.

It was like the first time all over again.

My body was shaking uncontrollably as she sucked my clit into her mouth.

 _"Oh God! Britt! Just like that! Fuck!"_ I squealed out.

I pressed my hands to the back of her head and pulled her as close to my body as possible. Her head bobbed as she sucked and licked at me. I was teetering on the edge of an orgasm when she shoved her fingers deep inside of me.

 _"Ay! Brittany!"_ I kept chanting as she pounded into me over and over again. _"I'm soooo...ahhhh...God...right there!"_

I came hard, my body shaking as I gave in to her touch.

As I stood there catching my breath, Britt slowly washed my body. I was like a rag doll as she massaged my muscles and then began to make her way back down to the throbbing in between my legs.

_"You're really wet, Ana."_

_"Yea...it's w-what you do to me."_

_"Yea?"_ she said as she pressed me against the wall again. I nodded as I sucked her lip in my mouth and wormed my hand down to touch her. She trembled and dropped her forehead against mine. _"Oh God...Ana I want you so bad."_

_"Your wish is my command."_

We rocked on our feet as we came together, over and over again.

The water was ice cold when we finally made it out of the shower.

* * *

I was a different person as I made my way into the bedroom and began to lotion my body and get ready for the day. Britt and I were going to be returning to New York more united.

Every time our eyes met it was like we were schoolgirls again, it was like that first time we had seen each other.

 _"I love you so fucking m-much, B."_ I said as I leaned up and met her lips.

 _"I love you too, Ana banana...so fucking much!"_ she said as she nibbled on my lip.

We ended up back in bed until it was time to leave.

It was a great way to end a heavy weekend.

Brittany had managed to take the darkest thoughts and deepest cravings and push them completely from my mind.

As the flight took off back home, toward rehab and Cancer...I held fast to Britt's hand and knew that no matter what was coming my way...everything would be alright.


	42. Chapter 42: Do What U Gotta Do (Angie Stone)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It's amazing how quickly things change in the justice system.

You can be all well and good, thinking that you're getting away with murder and the next thing you know, it can all change.

I was hovering forty thousand feet above New York City when my mother called me.

 _"You need to say goodbye to Brittany and the baby before you step foot off that plane, do you understand. I am already on my way to you, I board my plane in ten minutes."_ I looked over at Britt who was holding Daniela and humming softly.

_"What happened?"_

_"Marco...he spoke to your judge, there are officers waiting at the airport for you. You are being brought up on attempted murder charges. Someone told them about the bleach and he confirmed it."_

_"Oh God."_ I whispered as I covered my mouth with my hand.

_"They''ll take you in and book you, then I'll come and do what I need to do to get you out but with these kind of charges, anything could happen."_

_"No...Mami...I need to see my son."_

_"That's not going to happen, Nanita...just be glad that you have warning and you can at least cherish these few moments with Brittany and Daniela."_

Fuck!

 _"What's wrong?"_ Britt said as she leaned closer to me.

 _"Mami is on the w-way. I'm about to be arrested."_ I whispered, knowing that my nephews were in earshot.

 _"What?"_ Britt screeched. Everyone turned towards us and Britt looked around wild eyed.

 _"B...you have to m-make sure that the boys don't see it...please?"_ I pleaded. She always worked better when she had a task.

_"Okay."_

_"Thank you...let me hold her."_ I said as the plane started to ease closer to the ground for a landing.

I adjusted myself so that I could feed Daniela one last time before I got carted off. Who knew how long it would be before I got back home.

As we landed, my heart sped up and my body shook. I could feel the tears streaming down my face as Britt jumped to her feet and went over to talk to my sisters. I could see their faces shifting as she whispered harshly to them...probably telling them more than they needed to know so that they would see why they needed to take the boys off the plane first.

I sat there with my eyes closed, feeling hopeless as I tried to make the tears stop. I had planned to go see Isaac straight from the plane but that wasn't going to happen now.

I wanted to kill Marco!

* * *

My sisters patted my shoulders and kissed my head before taking the boys off the plane like nothing was amiss.

And thankfully, the cops didn't enter the plane until they were inside the airport.

I had been in the process of pulling out my pump and hesitated but they nodded for me to go ahead.

_"We can wait."_

_"Thank you."_

Britt was standing with them, promising that I'd cooperate once I finished pumping and they both seemed pretty understanding. I could tell though that she was super anxious about it as she stood there rocking from one foot to the other with Daniela sleeping against her chest.

The machine buzzed as I finished filling the last bottle.

I sighed heavily as I screwed on the cap and resituated my clothing.

 _"I'm done."_ I said, standing to my feet and looking towards the door where the two cops were standing with cuffs at the ready. _"Is it really necessary to cuff me?"_

 _"Yes...standard procedure with these types of charges."_ he said as he walked towards me.

 _"Can I kiss my wife and my baby first?"_ I said with a smile on my face.

 _"Okay."_ I nodded and walked over to Brittany, she looked panicked. I wouldn't be there for her surgery or to take care of her after...I could possibly not be there for even more than that. I tried to smile for her even though I had tears in my eyes.

But her tears matched mine as she held her arm out for me. She pulled me close, the baby between us as she kissed my face, my lips, and finally my neck before she pressed her lips next to my ear.

_"We are going to work through this, Ana. Don't worry about the kids or my surgery...everything will be taken care of. Okay, you need to not fight them...don't argue. Just keep your head down, be polite and do what they say...even if they say your name wrong...just go with it. Don't ruffle any feathers. Trust me."_

Her eyes were searching mine and then it hit me, she was speaking from experience since she had been arrested after choking me. I nodded and kissed her again.

 _"I love you, Britt Britt."_ She kissed me hard and I could feel all of her angst and sadness.

_"I love you too babe! So much!"_

I kissed Daniela all over her face and then held my nose to her neck. I inhaled deeply and then kissed her once more. This was what I would miss the most, being able to kiss her and touch her whenever I wanted to. These were big charges, I had no idea when I would get out again. I handed the baby back to Britt and then smiled at her once more before putting my hands in front of me.

The cops were gentle with me, even as they helped me into the back of a police cruiser with my hands clasped. I kept my head down and my eyes closed as the sirens went on and we pulled away from the airport. We had been driving a few minutes when the cop that cuffed me turned around and whistled towards me.

 _"You have a beautiful family."_ he said as he tried to make conversation.

 _"Thank you."_ I whispered.

_"I'm sorry that we had to pick you up like this, judges orders."_

_"It's fine."_ I mumbled as I kept my eyes down, facing my lap.

_"Sorry about your loss."_

_"Yea...thanks."_ I said quietly before lifting my head and meeting his eyes.

_"Real tragedy that Marco decided to implicate you after so much time."_

He said that like he was familiar with Marco and I wanted to question him but his partner seemed to be too invested in the conversation and I knew my miranda rights. Anything I said and did could be held against me.

So I was going to listen to my wife. Be polite and keep my head down.

I got that this guy was trying to make this transition to prison easier for me but despite his intentions, he was just making me feel worse. I nodded towards him and then decided to change the subject.

 _"Where am I being taken?"_ I said quietly.

 _"Rikers until your hearing."_ he said as he nodded and then turned back around.

 _"Thanks for b-being so un-understanding back there."_ I said before dropping my head again. He was trying to be nice and was being more open than most cops so I wasn't going to be a complete and total ass to him.

I didn't need to make any enemies at the moment.

* * *

There is something incredibly humbling about being so rich and powerful with my family and then having to strip down, be forced to submit to a cavity search and put on an ugly brown jumpsuit. I had to take that demeaning cold shower and then I was carted off just like any old common criminal. I was put into a single cell, in a unit for people like me?

When I asked what they meant by that the guard snorted and said in a cold voice, _"Murderers."_

Just hearing that word sent a chill through my bones.

I laid on my mattress and stared up at the ceiling feeling cold and a little sore. I hadn't slept since the day before so I wasn't shocked when sleep began to take me under.

It was better that way.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

I jerked awake, my whole body suddenly stiff and rigid. The window outside my cell had shown sunlight but was now dark. How long had I slept?

I sat up as the door opened and the lights flooded the room.

 _"Get up! You have a visitor."_ I sat up from the bed and tried to get my bearings. I felt my body shaking badly.

The cravings were back in full force.

 _"Who is it?"_ My voice tore from my throat harshly.

 _"Do I look like a fucking bellhop? Let's go!"_ I wanted badly to pull my hair into a ponytail but I wasn't allowed, instead I made my way towards the doorway feeling disgusting. The guard gripped my arm tightly and helped me to walk down the hall. I felt sick to my stomach as the cravings made my body quake. _"You a junkie?"_

I lifted my eyes and shook my head vigorously. _"No."_

 _"You're not fooling anybody, kid."_ he said with a snide look on his face.

Head down.

Be polite.

* * *

I sat handcuffed to table, just like Marco was last week, I waited for my visitor to arrive. I had my eyes closed and was picturing my babies faces when the door on the opposite end of the room opened.

My eyes popped open as I watched the door closely. I didn't speak as Mami entered the room with another woman.

Even though I was happy to see my mother, I was a little disappointed that it wasn't Brittany walking through that door.

My mom's face dropped when she saw me sitting there not being able to move.

 _"How are you, all things considered?"_ she asked.

I was too tired to be sarcastic so I just blinked back my tears and tried to smile.

 _"I just w-want to go home to my kids."_ I said quietly as I dropped my head.

 _"I talked to Marco."_ My head shot up as I looked in my mother's eyes. _"He tried to take back what he said but once the words were out there...well, they decided to charge you after the autopsy results. Her family came forward and they want to take down everyone involved."_

 _"So...I'm fucked?"_ I said as anger coursed through me.

_"No...don't you dare give up fighting for your freedom, Santana. That's why I brought Evelyn here."_

I looked at the silent woman and tried to read her but found that she had a bigger wall up than I did.

 _"And who is she?"_ I said as I looked back at my mother.

_"She's an attorney...one of the very best and she's going to help me get you out of here. Tomorrow morning at your hearing, they are going to ask for your plea."_

I could feel that my face was cold as I looked back at my mother.

 _"And you want me to pl-plead not guilty?"_ I asked, feeling the sarcasm come back full force.

_"I want you to tell the truth, yes."_

_"Which version?"_ I asked.

 _"Don't play games, Santana. This is bigger than you...do you understand?"_ Mami slammed her hand down on the table in frustration.

_"Yes, Mami. I get it."_

_"Then you are going to have to let me do what I do best."_

Lie.

I swear that was the first thing that came to my mind as I looked at my mother throw up her thickest walls. I nodded politely and allowed her to go on and on about the semantics of my case. I didn't argue. I just filled out papers and signed my statement for the judge. I found out that my hearing wasn't until the next afternoon, so Mami was going to come in the morning to let me pump more milk for Daniela. Of course I would have to be monitored while doing it.

The more time that I spent in the system, the more I wanted to run far away from the idea of being a lawyer and instead running to LA to pursue fame and fortune.

It would be easier than this life.

* * *

After being rounded up like cattle and being forced to eat among the masses, I was carted into a game room and made to sit there for an hour of free time before being able to go to bed. I ended up falling asleep at a random table instead of interacting with other people. I was just so tired. I didn't want to be in this place but if I was going to be, I would at least catch up on my sleep.

The other women kept looking at me but no one had enough balls to approach me, at least not at first.

 _"You new here?"_ I heard a deeper voiced woman say. I raised my head just enough to look at her and was shocked to see such a beautiful woman looking back at me.

Her hair was black like mine and her eyes were a darker shade of black. She was beautiful...too beautiful for this place. I sat up fully and looked her in the eyes.

 _"Yes."_ I said strongly. I wasn't about to become anyone's bitch.

 _"Yea...I figured. You're too pretty to be here...what happened, a boyfriend piss you off and you kill him?"_ she said as she slid into the seat across from me.

I smirked and shook my head.

 _"No. You?"_ I said as I crossed my hands over my chest.

 _"Caught my brother-in-law trying to rape my little girl and killed him in a fit of rage."_ she said as she looked down at her hands. _"And I would do it again."_ she said as she looked up at me with a cold expression.

 _"Shit."_ I whispered as I looked at her shaking hand. I looked in her eyes and saw her eyes bounce. I knew the look in her eyes, I had seen it plenty of times.

Withdrawal.

 _"So did you kill someone?"_ she asked again.

I shook my head and then put my sweaty hands flat on the table.

_"Not quite. I attempted to but wasn't successful...g-got brought down anyway."_

_"Tough."_

_"Yea."_ My boobs were aching with the fullness of the milk. I loosened my arms from around my chest and then immediately covered them again when I felt the leaking.

 _"Breastfeeding?"_ she said softly.

I nodded and looked away.

I didn't want to cry.

I wouldn't cry...not here...not now _._

She stood from her seat and walked over to one of the female guards and pointed towards me. I ducked my head in embarrassment. This was totally not cool. They were headed over to me.

 _"You having a problem, Mrs. Lopez?"_ she said to me nicely. _"With...your milk?"_ she said in a low tone. I nodded and she placed a hand on my arm _. "Come with me, I have just the thing."_

I was insanely embarrassed as the woman gave me gauze like pads to put in my bra to absorb the milk. After that was taken care of she led me back to my room so that I could get some rest.

 _"Thanks."_ I said to her before she closed my door.

_"I totally understand...how old is your baby?"_

_"Two months, yesterday."_ I said as I peeled the top off and tossed it in the sink.

 _"I hope that she's with people that you trust."_ The guard said before walking out and closing the door.

 _"She's with her mother."_ I whispered quietly to the empty room.

* * *

The next morning I was allowed to sleep in and breakfast was waiting for me in the game room. I sat alone at a table and slowly broke apart my bread and dipped it in the peanut butter and then the jelly. It was how I liked to eat my Peanut Butter and Jelly as a kid before I could cook. When that was all that was in the house, I found that if I ate it this way, all torn apart that I stayed fuller, longer.

 _"You eat like my daughter."_ I looked up to see the same woman from last night, sliding in across from me.

 _"Yea? She must be pr-pretty awesome."_ I smiled as I popped another piece of bread in my mouth.

_"She is."_

_"How old?"_ I asked as I continued to eat.

 _"She's seven."_ I looked across the table at this woman who looked insanely young and tried to imagine her as a mom of a seven year old.

 _"I know...I look young...I was fifteen when I had her. What about you though...you look like you're still in High School."_ I laughed for the first time in days.

_"Actually, I'm nineteen. Graduated high school last J-June."_

_"Wow. So how old is your baby?"_

_"Two months old."_ I said quietly.

 _"A new mom and already you are away from her?"_ she said as she reached across and swiped my apple. _"Raw deal."_

I grabbed the apple back and took a huge bite from it before handing it back to her. She smirked and began to happily chomp away at it.

_"She's my s-second. My son is al-almost one."_

_"Wow! Your boyfriend must like what you look like pregnant huh?"_ she said as she chuckled.

 _"Actually, I'm gay and I h-have a wife."_ I laughed out loud when I saw her almost choke on the apple.

 _"Holy shit! Here I thought you were like some innocent! Wow. I like you! My name's Brenda Lopez, what's yours."_ I sat there shell shocked as I stared at this woman who shared the name of my dead sister. She looked at me sideways as she chewed the apple. _"Are you alright?"_

_"Yea...um...my name's S-Santana."_

_"Nice to meet you Santana Lopez."_ I looked at her sideways and cocked an eyebrow.

 _"The guard yesterday called you by your last name...well OUR last name. Figured what are the odds, another smoking hot Lopez!"_ I smirked in understanding and polished off the last of my deconstructed sandwich.

_"Nice to m-meet you, Brenda."_

_"Just call me, Enda...it's what everyone else does."_

_"Gladly."_ I said feeling relief at not having to say my sister's name so soon.

_"Are you okay?"_

I nodded and pushed my tray away before looking her in the eyes.

_"My s-sister Brenda just d-died a few days ago...your n-name kind of shocked me."_

_"Shit...I'm sorry for your loss."_

_"Th-Thanks."_

_"You want to play cards or something?"_ she said as she pulled a pack from her pocket.

 _"Please."_ At this point, I'd do anything to get my mind off of the crazy shit in my life and got had saw fit to send me a friend with my sister's name. It was like a wink from God and I just went with it.

Especially since I had nothing but time on my hands.

_"So...I have been here for three months because the public defender is jerking me around."_

_"Wow."_ I said as I dealt a card.

_"Asshole. I just wish that they would sentence me already. Jayla has already been through enough. Nobody brings her to see me so I haven't seen her since that night."_

I looked at the pain in her eyes as she talked about her daughter and it hurt to think about not being able to see my kids for three months.

_"So why not get a l-lawyer?"_

_"We're Latina, Santana nobody is ready to fucking help us with shit...not unless you have the money to pay them."_ She whispered as she shook her head in anger. Which made me feel sheepish as I thought about how much shit I would have gone through without my mother and Sal around to bail me out.

What if I hadn't had the money to help myself?

This girl right here was reminding me of the reason that I wanted to be a lawyer.

 _"Santana Lopez!"_ My head jerked up as I looked over at the guard. _"Your hearing's in twenty minutes."_

I nodded and stood to my feet. I caught Enda's eye and smiled softly.

_"Everything will w-work out for you. I have faith that it w-will."_

_"Thanks. Same to you San!"_

* * *

I hadn't been allowed to change out of my jumpsuit so, I just brushed my hair the best that I could. Enda told me that they probably weren't expecting me to get out so there was no point of getting me all dressed up for a thirty minute hearing.

Boy were they wrong.

 _"Mrs. Lopez, how does your client plead?"_ The judge looked over towards my mother.

 _"Not guilty, your honor."_ I said confidently.

Hoping that it would show.

After that everything pretty much changed.

The judge reviewed the case and my file and seemed impressed by it.

So she put me on house arrest effective immediately pending a trial before the grand jury.

My whole chest released all the tension that I had been holding.

 _"Your honor, may I approach?"_ My mother said quietly. The judge nodded and I watched my mother walk up to the front. They talked for a few minutes before, Mami nodded and walked back towards our table. I looked at her in the eye and caught her wink just before the judge cleared her throat.

_"Mrs. Lopez, your attorney has informed me that you have a sick child in the hospital, is that correct?"_

_"Yes, y-your honor."_ I said as I dropped my chin a bit.

_"In light of this information, you will be permitted to visit your son in the hospital for three hours a day, that includes travel time. You are to contact the court when you leave your place of residence and when you arrive at the hospital. You are advised to remain in the custody of your attorney during those times, understood?"_

I felt a weight lift from my shoulders and nodded in agreement. It didn't matter what the stipulations were, as long as I got to go see my son. It felt good to be getting what I wanted...and if I had any control over it...so would other people.

* * *

I dressed quietly into my now wrinkled sweats and put on my sneakers before heading over to the discharge area. I waited patiently as they sat me down and hoisted up my left ankle.

My mind kept going to the woman that I left behind who hadn't had a hearing and I knew that my privilege is what got me this deal and I would make sure that she got something to.

There was no way I could in good conscience, leave her in there...without any hope.

Everything weighed heavily on me as they strapped on my ankle monitor.

_"Okay, Santana, this is an active unit. That means that you have certain places where the unit is approved to go, like the hospital and a one block radius of your home. If you leave those zones at any time, the local police will be notified and you will end up right back here. Got it?"_

_"Yes, sir."_

_"The judge has cleared you for hospital visitation throughout the rest of the day but you are to be in your place of residence no later than seven p.m. The monitor will signal the police if you leave your home between seven p.m. and seven a.m. without your consulting the court. Understand?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good. You're free to go."_

I almost laughed out loud at the irony of his statement but I thought it was wiser to just smile and nod. I didn't want any enemies.

My kids needed me and so for them and for Britt, I would be on my best behavior. I was really lucky to be able to walk out into the sunlight, people like Enda weren't and it was really starting to bother me.

* * *

The moment that I stepped into the hospital room, I heard Isaac singing along in garbled words to Elmo.

 _"Papa."_ I whispered as I knelt down next to his crib.

 _"Mami! Beso. Mami, Mami, Mami!"_ he called out for me.

I bit hard on my cheek as I fought back the tears that flooded my eyes.

 _"It's me, Papa."_ I said as I watched him take a few steps across the crib towards me.

He was growing up so fast.

When he finally made it to the edge of the crib, I checked for any wires and then lifted him up out of the crib and kissed his face. He still smelled like himself and it made my heart melt.

God how I had missed my son.

 _"Beso."_ he said as he leaned his head against my shoulder.

I spun him around and landed a million kisses on his chubby cheeks. I had been sitting there with Isaac for a few minutes when the door creaked open.

_"Santana?"_

I turned my head towards the door and was greeted by Isaac's doctor.

 _"Oh hi!"_ I said quietly, since Isaac had fallen to sleep on my chest.

_"How are you?"_

_"C-Could be better. You?"_

_"Good...can I talk to you?"_

_"Of course!"_

_"The tests came back and he's made a full recovery. Keep him away from dairy products, get a humidifier for his room to combat the dry air and remember to keep those stuffed monsters clean."_

_"Okay."_

_"_ _Other than that...he's pretty much free to go, if you wanted to take him home today."_

 _"Really?"_ I said excitedly.

_"Yes. I have the papers here."_

He handed me his clipboard and I could feel my cheeks flooding with tears.

This was better than Christmas.

Even then as I was filling out the paperwork, I thought about Enda and how she wasn't seeing her little girl and here I was able to swoop into the hospital and take my little boy home.

I had to do something about this.

* * *

I was on edge as I held Isaac tight to my chest in the backseat of Mami's car. I didn't have a car seat for him, so I was insanely anxious the whole ride back to the house.

 _"Did you c-call Britt?_ " I asked Mami as we made our way the ten blocks home.

_"No...I wasn't sure if they were going to release you, she had the bone marrow procedure this morning, and I know she's supposed to be resting. I didn't want to bother her if they ended up keeping you."_

_"Oh."_

_"She's definitely home though."_

_"Yea?"_ I asked hopefully.

_"Yes."_

Sure enough, as we stepped into the house, I heard the tv on cartoons and smiled when I saw B, eyes closed as she napped on the couch.

I handed Isaac to Mami and then walked over and pressed my lips against her face.

She startled awake. _"Ana?"_ Britt sounded breathless as she looked up at me.

I smiled really wide and then kissed her again.

_"Hi B. We're home."_

_"We?"_ she said as she hesitated.

_"Yea."_

Britt's face beamed as Mami came over with Isaac. She attempted to sit up but flinched, so I pressed my hand against her chest to keep her stationary as Mami put Isaac in my arms.

 _"Mama."_ He said and then leaned on her chest. She hugged him and kissed him over and over again tears in her eyes.

_"I'm so happy that you are home, Ana."_

_"Me too, B."_

_"Did they give you one of those ankle things?"_

I lifted my pant leg and wiggled my foot.

_"Yep."_

_"Wow. It's not a camera is it?"_ she wiggled her eyebrows.

 _"No...we are not d-doing another sex tape...no._ " I chuckled.

_"And that's my cue to leave you two alone. Now that your guest room is open, I'll be staying here tonight. Okay?"_

_"S-Sure, Mami."_

_"Do you need help getting upstairs or anything?"_ She asked B.

 _"Nope, we have that swanky chair lift that I've been dying to try. There's fresh pajamas in there and towels. The baby is upstairs with Q...I think we are gonna raid the fridge and have dinner upstairs if you get lonely."_ Britt said to her, rubbing her eyes.

_"Thanks for the invite...I might steal those munchkins at some point to let you two have time. I'll come up in a little while."_

_"Thanks, Mami."_ She kissed all of our faces before heading into the guest room.

Britt held her arm out for me, like she did on the plane and I rested against her chest with our son.

Right then, as I enjoyed her embrace and enjoyed being home, right where I belonged, I knew that I was a changed person.

Lawyer or not...I'd make sure that this feeling became a reality for people who couldn't afford to do it on their own.

I knew I wasn't completely out of the woods, but at least I was able to see the way out.


	43. Ordinary People (John Legend)

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

It'd been a few days of me just resting as much as possible before having to go back to work. Ari's body had accepted my marrow and now it was just going to be a month long wait and see.

My bosses were so thrilled that I donated that they let me have the whole week after my surgery, off of work, which meant that I got more time with my wife and kids. The first few days were rocky because Ana seemed to be on edge. She'd only spent a night in prison, which she insists is way different than a Lima jail cell.

Quinn was hovering around the edges, helping with the kids and steering clear of Ana, like she was trying not to disturb her headspace. It was like they had a whole language between them that suddenly had shifted and I couldn't understand why.

 _"Are you and Q, okay?"_ I asked after Quinn took both of the kids with her to Celia's house.

 _"Yeah, why?"_ She asked as she scribbled notes down in her newest journal.

_"You've been back a week and other than her hugging you on the first day she saw you, there's been like this distance between you."_

_"Oh...that."_ She said glancing at me for a moment before going back to her writing.

_"What is it?"_

_"Remember LA...wh-when Celia found out we'd slept together?"_

If this was all, I didn't care but I let her tell me anyways because I want to know everything about my wife.

_"Yeah."_

_"Ceily, made a big fuss. So we...are...um tr-trying to be less all over e-each other."_

_"When did you decide this?"_

_"It j-just happened. We d-didn't need to talk about it."_

_"Oh...like you and me when we have those silent agreements?"_

_"Exactly."_

_"Well I don't think I like it. I know you love each other...that if there was no me, that you would have ended up with her."_

_"You d-don't know that."_

_"I do. If not her, then Ari."_

She put down her journal and sighed.

_"But I'm w-with you."_

_"You are."_

_"And I choose y-you."_

_"I know."_

_"Do I n-need to prove it?"_

_"That'd be nice."_ I admitted.

She'd been home a week and we hadn't gotten sexy even once. I know she's self conscious with that ankle monitor and with me healing but I wanted her and we finally had a rare night at home all alone.

 _"Let me f-finish up here and then...after d-dinner we can...have some fun."_ She winked at me and I groaned.

She was hot...even like this in flannel pajamas, her hair in a messy bun and no makeup. I wanted her always.

I got myself ready for her. I took a shower, I cleaned our toys...changed the sheets and sat waiting for over an hour.

The next day, I'd return to work and our chance would be missed if we didn't take advantage of this alone time.

So when I went back downstairs on a mission and I felt immediately dejected when she looked freshly showered and was sporting a giant t shirt as she continued to write in that journal.

 _"Baby?"_ I called her and she smiled up at me softly.

_"Yes, love?"_

_"Are you hungry?"_

She hesitated and then looked surprised as she nodded at me.

_"Actually...I am."_

_"You can write later or tomorrow...let's enjoy our time together."_

She scribbled something really quick and then put the book down before extending her hand to me. It warmed me all up inside when she took my hand in hers and kissed it.

* * *

I fed her leftovers and some fruit and then watched as she ate slowly and told me all about the woman that she met while being locked up. I was completely focused on her lips as she spoke to me about her new crusade to save this woman...Enda?

Was that right?

I was completely lost in the sound of her voice and the way she had a dimple just below her lip that nothing else really mattered. All I wanted was to suck her lip between my teeth and nibble it until it was swollen.

But I was trying to give her my attention, even if all I wanted was to touch her, tease her, and taste her. .

I was drumming my fingers against my thighs as I hunched over the table and imagined how soft her lips were at that exact second. She poked her tongue out just enough to wet them and I melted right there.

 _"Yum."_ I muttered.

 _"Yum? B? A-Are you even listening to me right now?"_ I looked up at her irritated eyes and smiled.

 _"I'm sorry, Ana...it's just...I could be fucking you right on this table right now."_ I pleaded.

_"What?"_

_"I just...it's like the other day when you promised I could stick it anywhere, it's all I can think about and right now we have the house to ourselves and I just need to have you."_ I said honestly.

 _"Right now?"_ she cocked her eyebrow.

 _"Yes."_ I growled.

Where did that come from?

* * *

She'd finished eating and then drank some water before coming to my side of the booth and climbing onto my lap. She straddled my upper thighs and hoisted up her night shirt, revealing that she was completely naked underneath. My eyes bulged as I felt her warmth and wetness brush my bare thigh.

 _"I w-want you too, B."_ she said in that raspy voice of hers.

I sat there in awe of her as she placed a hand on either side of my face and crashed her lips into mine and I swear, I almost came right then and there.

Things became hot and heavy as I wasted no time and shoved three fingers inside of her.

 _"Fuck!"_ she bit down hard on my lip and even though I could taste the harsh metallic taste of my blood, I kept pounding into her. She tried to move with me but I gripped her waist with my free hand so that I could hold her in place.

_"Does it feel good, baby?"_

_"Fuck, yes...B!"_ she groaned against my ear. _"D-Don't stop...go harder baby."_ she pleaded and I gave her what she asked for.

She was getting increasingly louder, I captured her lips and sucked in her moans as I hit deep inside of her, harder and harder. She came in a shuddering mass but I didn't stop...I don't like to stop when her orgasm comes.

Ever.

 _"We have to make up for lost time, Ana."_ I said as I flicked her clit. She came immediately, her arms wrapped tightly around me as she bounced on my hand.

_"M-More, B...give me more."_

_"More?"_

_"Yes...more of you."_

_"Like this?"_ I added another finger and she groaned and bit my shoulder, hard.

 _"Yes!"_ she said as she ground down harder. _"So goo...ahh...good!"_ she said with a crazy look in her eyes. With my other hand, I gripped her ass and helped her grind down onto my hand.

Then I watched with satisfaction as she came again, this time soaking my hand. I wiped it on her shirt and then wrapped my arms around her as she slumped against me.

_"I love you, Ana."_

_"Um...yes...I l-love you too, Britt Britt."_ she said with a yawn as she laid her face against my shoulder and promptly fell asleep.

This was is how things were supposed to be.

I was on a crusade to get us back to where we started and with her now forced to be home all the time, I knew that now was my opportunity!

So I was going to take it and run!

* * *

Ana was always lighter than me, but lately she was feeling extra light. I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until, I stood up with her wrapped around me. It was like I was carrying Xavier again. She felt feather light and it worried me.

Back in sophomore year, when we first started to fooling around, she had been light like this.

I remember inviting her to sleep over my house and we pigged out on pizza and ice cream. I had passed out watching Sweet Valley High and when I woke up a little while later, it was still mid episode but Ana was gone.

I figured that she had gone to get more ice cream but as I passed by the kitchen and by default the downstairs bathroom, I heard a gagging noise.

I pushed the door open and saw her with her fingers shoved down her throat. I didn't understand it, so I had left her alone. It wasn't until the next day when I talked to Quinn about it, that she explained how Ana had been dealing with bulimia for over a year. After that I researched it on the internet and read a ton of articles that told me all about it.

I confronted her with the printed out articles and she promised me that she wouldn't make herself throw up again.

She kept that promise because after that she started to run on the track team, constantly telling me that she would just exercise the weight off. I didn't think it was a problem until I noticed that the more she exercised, the less she ate.

This time, I knew that it was anorexia and I knew that no amount of confronting her was going to make her better.

Ever since, she found out that she was pregnant with Izzy, Ana did everything right, as far as eating went. As far as I knew anyway and when it came to Dani...she had no choice because she wasn't awake most of the time.

But now...with all that baby weight she had gained in the last year...I had a feeling that she was falling back into old habits.

As I carried her up the stairs, my mind was going in circles, trying to figure out just how to stop this before it got out of control again.

Is this why we hadn't been having sex?

Had prison been that intense for her?

It was one night? I was in there for five!

But her experiences were always going to be different, she had a permanent tan that made racists double take while I was apparently, something to be desired.

Cue eye roll.

Something had gotten under her skin and it was my job to help her feel leveled out but I knew that I couldn't deal with it alone.

We would get back to being ourselves, not for me but for our kids.

They were what was most important that and us being healthy enough to take good care of them.

* * *

Once we were in bed, she tore off her shirt and truly did let me stick it anywhere as she screamed for me.

 _"I love you."_ I kept whispering and I swear she began crying at some point but every time I'd stop she'd growl.

_"F-Fuck me until I pass out."_

It made me feel all weird inside, like maybe I should have insisted on stopping but instead I kept going.

_"You sure, baby?"_

_"Yesss...B...pl-please. Don't stop...please."_ She sniffled as she threw her ass back against me.

 _"I love you."_ I kept saying but she wouldn't say it back.

She had definitely not come back home as herself and it worried me.

Is this what Q was seeing that had her steering clear?

Maybe Ana just needed time to get her head straight again.

I mean, she'd been through a lot since she woke up from that coma, so instead of pulling away like Quinn was doing, I just gave her what I thought she needed.

After she passed out, I wiped her clean and then pulled her body against mine.

Exhausted, I followed her into sleep, afraid to let go of her for even a second.

And when Quinn came into our room early in the morning so she could be here with Ana while I worked, she put my sleeping children straight to bed and then she looked at my sleeping wife a little too long...I knew that she was concerned about something that I wasn't seeing.

I hated it.

 _"What is it?"_ I asked.

_"Hmm?"_

_"Why are you two being weird?"_

_"I am nervous and I don't want to say the wrong thing. That's it."_

_"You're lying."_ I said and she shrugged.

_"I'll be here all day to have her back. By the time you get back, we will have talked and I will get over myself. Promise."_

_"Thanks, Q. Sleep well."_

_"Thanks."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I woke up feeling deliciously sore and expecting Daniela to be awake and begging to eat but when I looked over, she was still sound asleep.

Strange.

_"Oh...there was still some milk left, I fed her already while you slept. I just put her down."_

_"You didn't have to do that."_

I didn't like that I was being so sensitive after Britt did something so sweet but to be honest...it was one of my favorite things to do these days. It was one of the only things that I could do these days.

Last night, had been eye opening for me, there was this dark part of me that missed the abuse from Marco. I missed being put in my place and with Britt...well I just felt too dirty and undeserving of her to ask for what I really wanted.

But she kept loving me and it hurt in the worst way, it was like that the sweeter that she was, the more it stung.

_"I just wanted you to get some sleep. I know that I kept you from it last night."_

_"Ummm..yea you did."_ I could feel my face get hot as I turned towards her and felt the soreness between my legs. _"Did I g-go too far asking y-you to fuck me l-like that?"_ I asked, suddenly realizing that in my exhaustion, I'd pushed her against a limit we hadn't touched in an eternity.

_"Yea...about that-"_

She was cut off by her phone ringing and I felt like I was saved from a talk that I wasn't going to like. I could just tell from the look in her eyes. I took the opportunity of her distraction to get up from the bed and head to the shower.

Getting clean, without a cavity search or prying eyes was quickly becoming my only desire. Being in prison had stuck with me, right down to the ever present reminder that I was still in deep shit, I just was allowed to be at home.

Unlike most.

Is there a version of survivor's guilt for house arrest detainees?

If so, I think I'm being suffocated by it.

When I placed my feet on the floor, I felt the heaviness of the plastic shackle and just sat there staring down at the down at the ugly black anklet. Silently thanking God that it was winter and I had no need to wear a bikini...not that I could leave the house anyway.

And then I felt vain for thinking about the inconvenience of it being seen in my bikini.

Tears were threatening to come and I knew that Britt was watching, she was ALWAYS watching, so I lifted my chin and sucked down my emotions and walked slowly towards the bathroom.

She was talking in hushed whispers as she made the bed. Then she sat there, looking irritated but I still made sure to drop a normal kiss on her head before going to take a normal shower where I would try to keep my sobs as quiet as possible.

* * *

When I climbed out of the shower and walked into the bedroom, Britt was still there, completely dressed, with the phone glued to her ear while dressing Isaac on the bed. I walked into the closet and began to change into an old track suit and did everything to calm the nausea in my gut. I stared at my vanity, wishing there was something that I could do to quell this panic.

Today would be Britt's first day back to work, which meant it was going to be the first day that it was me and the kids and I had to be sober.

Enda couldn't have her kid because she was in prison, and because I wasn't...not really, I needed to honor her. So I ignored the fact that there is always a dealer at the cart up the street that is within my walking parameters.

My stomach panged with hunger and nausea simultaneously as I kept mulling over the ways that I could score. How easy would it be? I still knew people and there was nothing stopping me from having them meet me in my driveway...or on the front stoop.

But I couldn't.

No. I looked in the mirror and tried to see in my own eyes, the sober girl that I was instead of the junkie that C.O. had seen me as but I could see the junkie.

Could, B?

The bile was rising in my throat. I did my best to choke back the need to vomit and silently walked back across the room, past Britt and into the bathroom. I locked the door and promptly fell to my knees. I had to get it out.

This wasn't intentional.

It was a part of the cravings. Nothing more. I couldn't help it.

I leaned over but nothing came out.

Fuck.

I had long ago promised B that I wouldn't make myself throw up and I had managed to keep that promise for the most part, right now, I felt the need to keep every promise while I knelt over the porcelain bowl.

Then I remembered something that I had learned from one of the Cheerios. I took a deep breath and sucked in my stomach and then pushed it out, I repeated this swiftly, over and over again until I felt the bile rising.

I didn't hold back this time as it came rushing over my tongue and down into the bowl.

Knock. gag. Knock. gag. Knock. heave.

I was dry heaving now as I heard Britt knocking on the door.

She knew.

That's what this was about.

She fucking knew what I was doing.

This was not what I needed.

I needed the calm.

I had to make this right before she read to much into it.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

With Santana, we have just always been able to look at each other and know when the other needed space but when I looked at her this last few days, there was something darker that I hated to see.

When we were teenagers...the year before Brittany showed up in our lives, there was a time that Marco was openly punishing her, to her father's delight. He didn't bruise her but he would fuck her hard. He would punish her with sex and with his words.

At one point, when she laid curled in my lap, her ass too sore for her to sit down comfortably and her throat raw. I offered to call the cops or tell a teacher but she looked me right in the eye and told me that she deserved it.

_"He's trying to get the gay out of me, Q and I want him to. I hurt him by sleeping with Puck and by losing our baby, I need to let him cleanse me. He knows what's best."_

I remember thinking she'd finally lost her fucking mind, it took time but once Britt showed up that look in her eyes changed.

She began to fight Marco off. I thought that look would be gone for good and it was...even when she married him.

Then she came back from prison and that look was back...this time though, I was scared of what it meant.

I couldn't talk to her about it in front of B. There were just some things that were easier to talk to your friends about...I think this was one of them. I tried to soften it when I talked to B.

But I'm not sure she believed me.

* * *

When I came down to get our day started, I'd expected Britt to be getting ready to leave or already be gone but there she sat, on the phone and playing with Izzy.

 _"Hey B, where's San?"_ I asked, ready to babysit her today and hopefully figure out this heaviness between us that I couldn't quite explain to Britt.

 _"She's in the bathroom...with the door locked."_ She said in a whisper, while covering up the phone.

_"Is everything alright?"_

_"I'm not sure...I think...uh...can you just check on her? I'm on hold with my boss...apparently it's important, please take care of her like you used to, Q...please, while I take Izzy down to eat?"_

_"Um."_

_"Please, Quinnie?"_

_"Okay, you got it, B."_

Britt quickly scooped up Izzy and headed out of the room. I looked over and saw that Dani was still asleep, so I couldn't yell through the door. I knocked and heard a choking sound.

Fuck.

Not this again.

I hated Sue Sylvester for ever suggesting to Santana that she could stand to lose some weight. Ever since we were kids, she always weighed less than me but her hips made her look shapelier than she actually was which made her think that she was fat.

Underneath her clothes she was nothing but skin and bones and I don't care what the magazines say, that is not sexy and there was only so much I could do, since she basically lived alone and I couldn't be there to make sure that she ate.

I tried my best right up until my pregnancy. I felt relieved when B stepped in but even that didn't really work like it should have.

The pregnancies saved Santana's life and now with her not being pregnant anymore and with that look in her eyes, I knew that this time around things could get pretty bad.

* * *

_"San, it's me...open the door...or I swear I will knock it the fuck down."_

I heard shuffling and then the lock clicked. I stood back just in case she planned to walk out but she didn't. So, I pushed the door open and saw San standing at the sink brushing her teeth. I made a move towards the toilet to sit and she flinched, quickly reaching over, shutting the lid and flushing it.

 _"You okay, San?"_ I asked as I sat there staring at her reflection. She was avoiding my eyes.

She shrugged and then continued to brush her tongue. I waited there patiently because I knew this game.

The more I asked of her, the more she would avoid the subject, so I had to wait for her to talk. I was silent as she began to wash and dry her face. Britt was thankfully still here for the kids, so for the moment, I could focus on helping my friend.

I had picked up one of those stupid trashy magazines that she liked so much because I wasn't going to just sit and stare.

 _"I don't know how you read these."_ I muttered as I thumbed through the pages.

Finally I heard her sigh. I put down the stupid magazine and looked up at my oldest friend. San was leaning against the sink with her hands clenched. Her body was shaking and she had a desperate look in her eyes.

_"What's going on San? Did something happen in prison?"_

She had a cold, hard look in her eyes all of a sudden and was clenching her hands into fists.

 _"I...the cravings are getting really bad."_ She said in an icy voice. _"I just...n-need something to t-take the edge off. Like...remember the cornfield. You h-helped me."_

_"We agreed to never discuss that."_

_"I know...I j-just don't know how I can make it th-this time."_

_"Have you told Britt?"_

_"She kn-knows...she just doesn't know how bad it is."_ she looked at me in that serious, secretive way.

She didn't want me to run to B about this because she didn't actually know.  
 _  
"Should I be worried Santana?"_ she looked at me wide eyed.

It was a simple question on the outside but it was also loaded. It was something that I had asked her a lot over the years and she never lied when I asked it.

_"I want to say no."_

She said as she covered her face with her hands.

_"But?"_

_"If I were you...if I were B..."_ she trailed off as she wiped a few tears. Just like that she was turned back towards the sink and scrubbing her face again.  
 _  
"Tell me what you need San."_ I asked after she rinsed her face with scalding water this time

She stood there for a long while, staring into her reflection. She was at war with herself.

Dani began crying and immediately her features softened and a small smile graced her lips.

She walked towards the open doorway and then hesitated, looking back at me with that dark look in her eyes.  
 _"I need a miracle."_ she whispered before walking into her bedroom to feed the baby.

The defeat in San had me concerned. It was something I rarely saw, it only really happened when it involved Marco.

She was right, she needed a miracle.

We all did.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"What do you mean she pulled out of the show? Before I left for LA she was all set! After the surgery, she was excited to heal and dance."_

I was pacing the kitchen as Izzy shoved Cheerios in his mouth. I felt like I was going to rip my hair out.

_"Look Brittany, we are willing to keep her on...but I've talked to her and she was adamant about withdrawing from the production."_

_"Let me talk to her before you make any final decisions."_

_"Ok. Good luck we'll see you in the theater in an hour...don't be late again."_

I slammed the phone down on the counter.

 _"Fuck."_ I muttered.

 _"Fuc!"_ I heard from behind me.

Crap.

 _"Did he j-just curse?"_ Ana asked as she came into the kitchen looking pale but with a smile on her face.

_"It was me...I forgot he could hear me."_

_"Fuc!"_ Izzy squealed again. _"Fuc Mami!"_ he said as he clapped his hands together.

Ana looked at me and pointed a finger at her chest.

 _"D-Did my son just curse at me? This is ridiculous."_ she muttered as she cleaned up his high chair, angrily picking up soggy cereal and shooting me dirty looks.

 _"What's ridiculous?"_ Q came into the kitchen with her phone to her ear.

_"Britt cursed and now-"_

_"Fuc Dama!"_ Izzy squealed cutting Ana off.

Quinn looked horrified as she stared at Izzy. Ana dumped the soggy bits in the sink and then Q, picked Izzy up from the high chair.

 _"I'm gonna put him in his playpen so he can watch Elmo...maybe he will forget the word! Relax, San."_ she said before leaving us alone.

 _"Hungry, baby?"_ I asked her.

 _"No."_ She was lying but I could see that Izzy cursing had put her on edge. _"We t-talked about watching what you say around him."_

_"I know, I'm sorry. Don't let your anger be the reason that you don't eat...please eat."_

_"Fuc, fuc, fuc."_ Izzy screeched.

 _"S-Stop it I-Isaac Aden! Stop!"_ Ana yelled out into the living room. Then she glared at me before she left the kitchen.

I followed her out and could see Q trying to distract him with Elmo but he just kept saying it.

Ana was pleading with him but he wouldn't stop.

* * *

Q and I just stood there staring at each other and then it happened, Quinn put her hands over her face and her body began to shake. I thought she was crying.

 _"Baby...let me...call you back!"_ she said into the phone before hanging up. I looked at her waiting for her to freak out or something but she ended up holding her side and laughing hysterically.

She laughed so hard that it was quickly contagious.

I don't know how long or how loud we were but when Ana glared at us we both ended up laughing harder with tears in our eyes and red faced.

_"A-Are you fucking kidding me right now?"_

_"Fuc!"_ Izzy squealed from the living room.

 _"Ha!"_ Quinn said as she pointed towards Ana. _"You...you...you did it too!"_

 _"Ugh! Grow up!"_ With that last statement she stormed up the stairs slammed the door to our room.

 _"Wait for it..."_ Quinn put a finger to her lips and pointed towards the ceiling. One second passed and then I heard it. Dani started wailing her little head off.

 _"Fuck!"_ Ana yelled from upstairs. _"B!"_ My laughter dried up as I realized that she sounded desperate, like she was on a cliff and we were shoving her closer to the edge.

_"How about I take Izzy to the cart to grab breakfast while you calm her down?"_

_"No fair...why do you get out of this?"_ I said pouting.

 _"Brittany Susan Lopez!"_ Ana yelled again.

Quinn laughed. _"Because you got the girl...now you have to deal with her!"_ Quinn winked as she headed over to Izzy and I headed slowly up the stairs.

_"When will you be back?"_

_"Not long, I know you have work. Twenty minutes, tops."_ I stood halfway up the steps looking at her as she put on Izzy's coat and hat.

_"Don't be too long."_

_"B! I know you heard me!"_ Ana was at the top of the steps now holding a still crying Dani.

 _"Grabbing food with Izzy, I'll be right back, San!"_ Quinn was out the door before I made it up the stairs. Ana looked close to breaking and I felt totally responsible for it.

Fuck.

* * *

 _"I can't b-believe you would take r-raising our son as a j-joke! This is serious!"_ she said as she rocked Dani back to sleep.

 _"Why don't you just breastfeed her?"_ I asked as I followed her into the bedroom.

I thought it was a harmless question but apparently I was wrong.

_"No! I d-don't want her to become a fat ass. I j-just fed her...she's just tired!"_

_"Calm down, Ana."_ I said as I tried to take the baby from her but she swung around and walked into the bathroom and shut the door. I went to open it but then the lock clicked in place.

 _"Please don't shut me out like this."_ I said as I slammed my hand into the door.

_"T-Take your meds Britt."_

_"They are in there with you!"_ I said angrily.

The door clicked open and then suddenly I was pushing the door open and forcing my way in. She looked up at me in a panic all of a sudden. It wasn't until I saw her face, that I stopped my forward motion and froze. Catching my reflection in the mirror.

My face was red and my hand was raised up in a fist.

What the hell?

I dropped my hands and walked over to the side medicine cabinet and grabbed my pill counter. I flipped open today's lid and there was my small little pill waiting for me. I went to grab it when I saw her hand go past my own and flip open yesterday's lid and there was that pill too.

 _"I knew it."_ she muttered before stepping back and sitting down on the closed toilet lid.

The world was silent...even Dani had finally given in and fallen into a quiet state. She and her mother looked at me with wide eyes...I had forgotten.

I hadn't taken two pills and already, I was turning back into a monster. I turned on the faucet of the sink and cupped my hands under the water. I could feel her eyes on me as I swallowed some water and then I stood up, picked up two pills and dropped them into my mouth. I swallowed, cupped more water in my hands and drank it down in long cold sips.

Dear God...please let me be able to fix this.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

This was all my fault.

Don't get me wrong, I haven't turned into a battered victim or anything but I did kind of push her over the edge when I wanted her to be rough with me and then I was screaming at her this morning because I was frustrated with the way that I was feeling and with Isaac's new favorite word. I didn't mean to flip out on her.

Just like I'm sure she didn't mean to raise her hand to me, especially while I was holding the baby.

The look in her eyes when she realized what she was about to do, told me all that I needed to know about her intentions.

She was scared and normally I would fit right in but suddenly my neck was sore and my throat was tight.

I watched as she took her pills...today's and yesterday's. I could tell that she was afraid to look at me.

Dani wriggled a little and so I looked down at her. She was fast asleep.

Finally.

I had left Britt standing in the bathroom, while I walked to the nursery and put Daniela down for her morning nap. If we were quiet she would be asleep for the next three hours. I took my time, tucking the baby in and then I kissed her sweet face. I turned on the baby monitor and then after staring at her another minute or so, I finally left the room. As I entered our bedroom, I heard it.

The bathroom door was closed again and I could hear her sobbing from behind the door. I hated to hear her cry, it made something deep inside of me crumble. It was like watching someone hurt a defenseless animal or worse a child. I sucked in my pride and knocked on the door.

 _"I'll be out in a sec."_ she said softly.

 _"B? L-Let me in."_ I begged.

 _"I said...I'll be out in a sec."_ she said again, this time more firm.

_"Um...okay...did you eat? Can I make you something?"_

_"I'm okay...Q is bringing food, I can eat on my way to work...just please go write in your journal or something."_

_"Oh...um...ok...I'll just-"_ she cut me off.

 _"Damnit, Santana...just go already!"_ she yelled. I jumped back and just nodded even though she couldn't see me.

I was officially worried.

* * *

**_Where are you?-San_ **

I was eating a banana and drinking water in the kitchen feeling anxious and wishing that Quinn hadn't of left. I needed a buffer right now between me and Britt.

**_I'm on my way back :)-Q_ **

**_Oh. How's Isaac?-San_ **

More time went by as I sat there and there was still no sign of Britt. I bounced my feet against the floor as I tried to keep myself occupied. There was something that I was trying not to do.

Something really fucking bad.

**_He's good, got him a red fire truck from corner store and now he keeps saying truck. Instead of the other word :)-Q_ **

**_That's amazing. Thanks!-San_ **

**_Should I be worried right now?-Q_ **

I hated when she asked that fucking question, I could just see her eyes boring into my soul, reading me for what I really was.

**_Just trying to stay busy.-San_ **

**_Tell me that there isn't anything in that house!-Q_ **

**_There isn't anything in the house.-San_ **

**_But you know where some is?-Q_ **

**_Maybe.-San_ **

**_On my way!-Q_ **

**_No...I'm fine, B is here.-San_ **

**_Yea but she's locked in the bathroom.-Q_ **

**_How did you know?-San_ **

**_She just texted me. I'm telling her.-Q_ **

**_NO!-San_ **

**_Too late...see you in a few minutes.-Q_ **

**_Great.-San_ **

* * *

I was locked in my car holding the last baggie that had escaped from the massive sweep of my house.

It was right under the seat of the car, all this time, since Lima almost a year ago.

My tinted windows in the dark garage were probably keeping anyone from seeing me immediately.

I sat there, legs crossed, with the ankle monitor digging against my opposite thigh.

 _"I c-could just take the edge off...just a little bit..."_ I muttered to myself.

 _"And then what?"_ I froze...that voice hit right to the heart of me. I looked to the passenger side and there sat Ian.

Great...I was hallucinating!

 _"You're dead...I know that you're not real."_ I said in a shaky voice. I cleared my throat and closed my eyes willing him to go away.

 _"You have too much faith to believe that. Open your eyes."_ Ian said.

I took a deep breath and slowly opened my eyes. He was still there, bright blue eyes staring into mine. I swallowed back the burning bile in my throat and allowed the tears to flow down my cheeks.

 _"Fine...you win."_ I said as I returned my eyes to the baggie in my hand.

 _"Do I?"_ he said softly.

 _"Of all the times...why now?"_ I said to the baggie.

_"Because of all the things that you have done or were about to do...this moment can change the rest of your life...our kid's life. It's not just you anymore."_

I sighed and wiped my face with the back of my hand.

_"I just...I keep fucking up, Papa Bear...I miss you so much. Why did you leave us?"_

_"You know why. I wasn't meant to be here anymore but I never left you. You are not alone. You have so many people surrounding you, Mami. So many people that care about you and want the best for you. Including me."_

_"I h-hate what you did."_

_"I know."_

I looked at him...he was so real...like I could just reach out and touch him but that scared me even more.

_"Can this really change everything?"_

_"Of course."_

_"I don't even want it, you know."_ I was backpedaling and lying to Ian and myself. He knew. He didn't respond. He just looked at me. _"Okay...fine. Maybe I do."_ I admitted.

_"If this were Izzy...what would you tell him?"_

I hesitated as I thought of Daniela or Isaac in this position, one foot in jail, one foot in chaos, what would I tell them.

 _"Keep moving forward...don't give up."_ I finally whispered.

_"Then you know what you need to do."_

I turned towards him ready to ask him what he thought but he was gone. I looked towards his chair and then suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a face pressed to the glass looking right at me. I jumped back in shock and stared into Britt's swollen, red eyes.

She had been watching me and waiting to see what I would do.

I took the bag and tossed it on the passenger seat and then rested on my forehead against the steering wheel and took deep breaths.

What had I almost done?

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

I rushed into the house with Izzy in my arms. I hugged him to my chest as he hummed to himself and drove his truck across my chest.

 _"Truck."_ he said quietly, it was almost time for his nap. _"Truck, Dama."_ he said again.

 _"Yes, Izzy, truck."_ I took off his coat and shoes and then laid him back in his play pen.

I was about to call out for B or San but then Britt came flying down the stairs and running past me. When Izzy saw Britt running, he stood up and reached for me to pick him up.

And because I didn't want him to cry, I picked him up and then followed Britt through the kitchen and towards the garage. By the time I made it out to the garage door, Britt was standing there, with her face pressed against the glass of the car.

 _"Who is she talking to? There's no one in there."_ Britt whispered.

 _"San's talking to her angels again. Trust her, B. Trust."_ I said loud enough for Britt to hear me.

 _"Trus"_ Izzy said. I looked at his sleepy face and smiled as he tried to mimic me. _"Trus."_ he said again.

This time louder.

I saw Britt drop her hands and step back from the car. She was staring at the dark tint but she wasn't making a move and then I heard the doors unlock and then the door slamming. San came walking around the car and stood there staring as the ground.

She was crying.

 _"Ma!"_ Izzy all of a sudden started crying and reaching towards San. _"Mami! Ma!"_ He screamed.

San's face shot up and she looked at her son who was wiggling out of my arms.

The smile on her face was surrounded by her tears but she didn't hesitate as she walked slowly over to me and held her arms out to Izzy.

 _"Ma!"_ he screamed again as he leaned out of my arms. I looked in her eyes, just to make sure. I had to know if she was herself or not.

She looked at me clear eyed and then snatched Izzy up and began whispering in his ear. His face changed and he smiled as she spoke just to him.

The look in her eyes was different now.

She looked peaceful.

Resolved.

I liked it...a lot!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"I don't have to go."_

_"Please...go...I'll be fine. I promise."_

_"But in the car..."_ I saw her face drop and I just nodded and turned around. Ana was breastfeeding Dani while Izzy laid asleep next to her in the bed.

Tony had called me and told me that Ari had sent in a couple of her friends to try out as our two leading guys. The bosses wanted me down at the theater to practice and to supervise the auditions. I also needed to talk to Ari in person and see where her head was.

After following Ana up to the room, she didn't really speak to me. She just laid down in the bed and rubbed Izzy's back, singing to him all the while. I tried to talk but she would shoot me dangerous looks.

So I just was waiting but then my phone rang.

When I told her what I had to do, she looked at me with cold eyes and just nodded. She went on to lay Izzy down and pick Dani up. Once I told her that I needed to leave, she didn't pay me any mind, she just stayed wrapped up in staring at the baby.

 _"Okay...well...I'm gonna go now then. Okay? Is there anything that I can get you?"_ I asked as I leaned over the bed and kissed Izzy's face.

 _"D-Diapers and some applesauce."_ she said in a far off voice without taking her eyes off the baby.

 _"Okay...I'm leaving."_ I said again as I pressed a kiss to Dani's head and then I tried to kiss her lips but she just turned her head so that my lips landed on her cheek.

 _"See you."_ she said without looking at me.

 _"Call me, if you need me. I'm going to keep my phone on just for you. Okay?"_ I stood there over her and she still wouldn't look at me and it was killing me inside.

_"I'll be fine. J-Just go."_

_"Um...ok...I love you, Ana."_ I said. She nodded and it made me batty inside. I dropped to my knees and pulled her chin towards me. She kept her eyes closed as I leaned in and brushed a kiss across her lips. I didn't wait for a response this time when she refused to kiss me back, instead, I got to my feet and left.

* * *

I was so angry as I stormed down the steps.

This was not how it was supposed to be. I was putting my earbuds in on my way down the steps when I felt a grip on my arm.

Sparks went through me as I froze on the steps. She pulled me around and now we were eye level even though I was a step down.

 _"I'm so sorry! I love you. Ok? P-Please don't be mad at me."_ she said as she gripped my hands.

I let go of her hands and ran my fingers up her arms, lightly over her neck and into her hair. I pulled her face towards me and allowed our lips to meet. I didn't have any words for what I felt and I didn't need them as I caressed her bottom lip with my tongue before diving in.

I pulled her harder against me when I felt her legs wrap around my waist. She rested against me as she kissed me with everything she had. I could still feel the tremors from her cravings, she was dropping her walls for me and allowing me to feel what she felt without hiding it.

My cheeks were wet from her tears and my stomach clenched with the overwhelming emotions that I could feel rolling off of her.

She clung to me tightly as she poured everything into that kiss and I kept myself open and receptive to it.

It's like she had opened up all the doors and windows to her fortress and was inviting me to see everything she had bottled up inside.

My phone was buzzing again but I just stayed planted right where I was allowing my wife to speak to me the only way she really knew how.

And I understood every word.

She was desperate, lonely, scared, frustrated, turned on, feeling lost, disgusting, dirty, unworthy, and trapped.

I understood...because in many ways...I felt exactly the same.

It was entirely unexpected but it didn't seem as weird as it should have.

Quinn stood on the side of us, wrapping her arms around us, with her head on Ana's shoulder.

She began mumbling words that I could barely make out.

After a few moments I realized that she was singing a song.

Britney?

 _"Nothing seems to be the way, that it used to, everything seems shallow...God give me truth."_ she mumbled in her raspy voice. I couldn't really remember the words to Someday (I will understand) but I hummed along to the melody.

Ana pulled away from my lips and rested her head on my shoulder. We were now wrapped around each other.

As unholy as it was...it opened my eyes.

This is what everything was about. This is what we needed to get back to.

Relying on each other and allowing ourselves to be open and heal through each other.

We needed to get back to the girls who left Lima together last summer in pursuit of happiness.

I finally understood.


	44. The Sun Will Rise (Kelly Clarkson)

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Britt is so hesitant about leaving and I know that if Santana had her way, she'd keep her home but then she'd lose her job. As someone who has really never worked a day in her life, escorting does not count, I knew that she didn't really understand the pressure her wife was under.

This was Britt's career and it kept her level, to have a routine.

And right then, with all of her emotional needs, Ana was standing in the way of that.

So it had to be me, I urged Britt out the door with the promise that her wife would be in great hands and I meant it.

Once the door was closed, Ana turned and went straight towards the garage.

 _"If you do it, you'll have to stop breastfeeding again."_ I said to her back and she just lingered there in the doorway, her back to me.

 _"Worth it."_ She muttered and then stepped foot back out into the garage.

I had thought for her...I knew that once Britt was gone, she'd test her boundaries but she had forgotten who I was.

When she had been breaking down with B, I had been preparing for this moment.

So when she went to open the car door, she found it locked.

And she tried to engage her fingerprint but I had erased it.

She turned towards me, all wild eyed and frantic.

 _"No."_ I said.

 _"Please?"_ She whimpered.

I once was and would always be her captain.

And I once was and would always be a bully.

She needed someone to take the reigns and come down on her like Marco...and Britt couldn't do that. It crossed a line that she was too afraid to come back from but I wasn't.

I surged forward and shoved her back against the door, her nostrils flared and she lifted her hands to shove me but I gripped her wrists.

_"I will put you down, Santana. I know what you need...I know you want that lack of thinking, lack of control...you want darkness and she can't give it to you."_

_"I'm n-not fucking you."_ She growled.

_"Good...that's not what I had in mind. Remember all those years ago when you were trying to get Marco out of your system?"_

_"Wh-What did you...what are you th-thinking?"_

_"I can spank you?" I knew it was crossing a line that used to not matter before marriage and me dating her sister._

_"Y-You'd do that for me?"_

_"If it would help...then yes."_

I pulled a chair from the kitchen island and sat on it. Then I patted my leg and she looked at me like I was crazy.

We'd only done this a few times before, when she felt too tired to exist but needed to atone.

_"Come on. Just between us...I know you need it."_

She bit her lip and then took a deep breath.

This was what I should have done so many times in the last year but it was too close to what she'd endured that summer.

Now though, with her removed from it and trying to go back to drugs...and Britt out of the house...I could do this for her.

* * *

 _"How much do you need?"_ I asked as I rubbed her back, her body dangling over my legs.

_"E-Enough to make me sl-sleep...and f-forget."_

With that settled, I pulled down her sweatpants and began to wallop her ass.

She was quiet at first and then, that changed.

Her body shuddered and then she began to shake.

_"How are you?"_

_"M-More."_ She squeaked and so I continued until her sobs came.

_"And now?"_

_"M-More."_ She whimpered.

My phone buzzed on the table and I rubbed at her ass, while I checked it.

Just got off the train. See you soon.-C

_"How are you, San? Your sister is going to be here soon."_

_"T-Ten more...hard...please?"_

My hand ached as I went at her ten more times and then she slid off my lap.

 _"Okay?"_ I asked when she was looking at me, her face red and her eyes shining.

_"Bet-tween us?"_

_"I promise."_

_"Okay. G-Gonna lay down."_

_"Good girl."_ She pressed a chaste kiss to my lips and then we headed out to the living room.

As her door closed upstairs, in came Celia a wicked smile on her face.

_"Up for a quickie?"_

_"You know it."_

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I laid flat on my back trying to catch my breath. My chest was expanding and contracting faster than it ever had before.

The only music that I could hear was my heart beating steadily in my ears. I couldn't move my body or my mind past the point I was stuck in.

As if being propelled to move, I was on my feet and leaping forward with enough force to collapse a building. My arms flew wildly around me as I contorted my body.

The sweat and tears that it took to move through this moment was worth it. My toes ached in my shoes as I stood firmly on them and spun vigorously. One wrong move and my ankle would snap like a twig but moving from ballet to hip hop was my favorite thing to do.

I twirled, I bent, and I shimmied until I was face to face with her.

Our faces came together and then just before our lips touched she lifted me into the air by my waist, spun me around like a superhero and then I went hurtling through the air.

The adrenaline coursed through my veins as I went crashing towards the floor and then as the floor almost reached my face, breaking my bones completely, I was captured by two sets of hands and was set back on my feet.

I was alone again as I did a leaping run down into a split and then as the performance ended, I tilted over and crumpled into and against the two bodies surrounding me, pulling me piece by piece apart.

It'd been a week since my transplant and I was feeling depressed, hopeless, and anxious despite the doctors telling me that I was healing faster than ever before since Britt was my perfect match.

* * *

 _"Are you really sure that you want to pull out?"_ I sat in Brittany's office watching her serious face make another appearance.

 _"Look, Britt, dancing with you and Tony was amazing. This show is going to take Broadway by storm but I just don't think I'm in the headspace right now. Especially not with Moncho hanging himself last night."_ I said as I fought the tears that were threatening to spill out onto my cheeks.

 _"What?"_ she slammed her hands down onto the desk and looked at me with a mixture of disbelief and happiness. _"Are you kidding me right now?"_

 _"No. They found him this morning. He's already set to be cremated tonight."_ She was completely distracted now and with everything on my mind, I just couldn't deal with being overshadowed by my cousin's selfish act. _"Look...I just can't do this role, plain and simple, it's like the moment I get happy the stuff spirals out of control."_

_"No! You are going to beat this Ari...I know it! Where is your faith?"_

_"You are questioning my faith now? Really? That's not going to make me want to stay on in this role!"_

_"Then what will? Do I need to drag Ana in here so you can share one of those way too intimate moments?"_

_"Britt...I...she picked you."_

_"I know that, I'm secure in her picking me over and over again. That's not what I'm saying."_

My palms were sweaty and I felt like I would fall over any second from exhaustion. My tongue felt thick and solid in my mouth. I had pushed myself with the dancing and now I would pay for it.

I still had three weeks of healing to do but had insisted on not staying in the hospital to do it and now I was feeling faint.

Great.

 _"Are you okay?"_ she had noticed my discomfort.

Suddenly I remembered how Anita had told me that Brittany was very observant when it came to people. I nodded and closed my eyes to try and block out some of the tension in my head and shoulders.

I don't remember anything after that.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I think I saw it coming but I had been so wrapped up in the news of Marco's death that I had ignored Ari's clear distress.

Now with her slumped over onto my desk, I had to think fast and when it came to taking care of someone that was in this state, frankly I was a pro. Ana had passed out on me more times than I like to think about back when she was drinking heavily and getting high.

I scooped up Ari into my arms and rushed out of my office and into the hall.

 _"Tony!"_ I yelled while kicking my partner's door.

 _"What the hell?"_ He yelled as he opened up the door. When he saw that I was holding Ari's limp body, he froze and held his arms out in a panic before slapping a hand over his mouth and pointing. _"Did you kill her?"_

 _"No...she passed out...can you help?"_ I begged. Tony had been an EMT while trying to hit it big on Broadway so I figured that he could definitely handle this.

_"Lay her down on the sofa."_

I paced back and forth in Tony's office so much that he kicked me out into the hallway but he was still kind enough to leave the door open so that I wasn't completely cut off from what was happening.

I kept peeking inside but she still looked the same, I anxiously began biting my nails as I continued to pace.

This was so not good!

* * *

My phone buzzed, scaring me and causing me to crash into a shoe in the hallway. I caught myself just as I was about slam my face into the brick wall as I picked up the call.

 _"Shit."_ I muttered as I answered.

 _"Br-Britt Britt?"_ Ana said softly. Sounding a little thrown off after the way that I answered.

_"Oh...hey baby. Are you okay?"_

_"Um...I just...I...when are you coming home."_

I could tell that she had gotten herself worked up and was trying to speak normally but was failing miserably.

_"Is everything okay?"_

_"J-Just come home soon...okay?"_

_"Yea...I'll text when I'm on my way."_

_"Um...okay."_

_"I love you Ana."_

_"I love you too."_

_"Lis-"_ she hung up in my ear before I could get out my sentence.

I didn't like the way that she sounded and I didn't like the way that the amazing moment that we had earlier on the stairs...seemed to be completely gone now.

I wanted nothing more than to go home but Ana would kill me if she knew that I left Ari like this.

So I stayed.

* * *

 _"Brittany?"_ Tony called me and I nearly collided with the wall again as I tried to make it into his office.

 _"Is everyth-"_ I stopped mid sentence when I saw that Ari was awake and had a hand pressed to her forehead.

She was alive and awake...Great!

That was good.

 _"She was dehydrated. She admitted that she should really be in the hospital this month but she left against medical advice."_ he said as he handed her a bottle of orange juice.

 _"I'm sorry."_ she whispered before gulping down a huge sip of the juice.

 _"Why don't you come home with me, stay for the rest of the month instead of at Marco's old place. Get some food in you and maybe you can spend some time with Ana? She's in need of a friend?"_ I said.

I was hoping that there was still a chance that I could convince her to stay apart of the show.

Ana could probably do it.

Fingers crossed!

_"No...I don't want Anita involved."_

_"Well tell me what I can do to help then."_ I said pleadingly.

 _"Just t-take me to the hospital."_ she said straight faced and angry.

_"Seriously, you'd rather go back there instead of staying with Ana...she's like your family."_

_"I don't have a family anymore, just...please take me back."_ She was crying now, which I had never seen her do and it reminded me a lot of Daniela's crying face. Then I remembered that they were related.

And then I thought of Marco and my mind began to think of how bad Ana was going to take this.

Even though he'd hurt her.

She'd often said he was a psycho but he was HER psycho.

 _"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."_ Ari looked so defeated as she slowly picked up her purse from the floor and then stood back up. _"I can make it there on my own."_

_"No. I'll take you. I just...can't believe the news about Marco."_

* * *

As I was changing, my phone rang again and it was Ana. It was nearing early evening now and I usually was on my way home but now I wasn't going to be.

It was so unusual for her to call me but I knew she'd had a rough morning and by the time the day was over it'd be worse.

_"Hey B...are you on your way?"_

Ana sounded happier than when I had talked to her that morning, like her mood had been reset, which was why I felt shitty about what I was about to do.

_"Actually Ana...I'm gonna be late. I have a work errand to run. I can bring home dinner though...maybe hot dogs? How's that sound?"_

_"Okay...I g-guess."_

_"Great. Se_ _e you in a bit...ok? Kiss the babies for me. I love you."_

I immediately heard the change in her voice. She sounded hurt but I then she just chuckled into the phone trying to mask her disappointment.

_"Oh okay. Call me when you're on your way. Be safe. I love you too."_

Once again she hung up before I could respond.

I had messed up by not going home.

She needed me or she wouldn't have called me.

Ana never called me when she knew that I was working but now it was too late. If I showed up now it wouldn't be to an Ana that was happy to see me.

Instead of a happy wife, I would go home to her being angry about fucking with her emotions and that wasn't something I could deal with twice in one day.

Now I was just hoping that I could be back home before her mood got too bad. Once I explained that this was about Ari getting better, I knew she'd understand because it meant that I was doing my best to continue saving Ari's life.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

My breathing was labored as I rested my face against her neck.

_"That was...wow, Luce, I don't think I've ever seen you that wild."_

_"I just needed that...I get extra horny when I'm ovulating."_ I whispered.

_"Is that it?"_

_"Mmmhmm."_

_"Britt should be home soon, want to come over tonight. I'll make you dinner?"_ She asked, kissing my face before straightening out her clothes. I rested back against the bathroom wall and watched her wash her hands and brush her damp fingers through her short curls.

_"We'll see. I promised to be here for San and B today, she might need me tonight too...she's not doing so well since she's been back, if you're concerned."_

_"Are you saying that so I can go pester my sister?"_

_"No. I'm just letting you know...because you just lost a sister and you guys all talked about being around for her but she's been out all week and this is the first time I'm seeing you."_

_"Well if she'd come to family dinner yesterday she would have had support."_ Celia said getting all indignant.

I plucked her forehead.

_"She's on house arrest."_

_"Right. I forgot...look we are all under stress. Mari has a newborn and Sandra is getting used to being a mom of three."_

_"Yes, they have valid excuses but what about you? Other than that gallery you have no other obligations. You could really be helping her. Why haven't you?"_

_"Because I can't drop my life for her like you have. What's this really about, Luce? Afraid to leave your precious, Santana?"_

_"A little bit, yeah. I don't want to be all the way in Brooklyn if something goes south. I have been more of a sister to her than any of you and if I leave..."_

_"Wow. The truth comes out. Look stay here then, if you want. I know I come second to her in your eyes."_

_"Oh come on! You are self sufficient. She is not."_

_"It's about time that people held her accountable for her own shit. She's a junkie because she chooses to be...she is in legal trouble because of conscious decisions she made and she's a teenage mom because she chose to spread her legs!"_ She snapped and it hit me so low.

And then she heard herself, saying that teen mom comment and her eyes got wide and I knew she'd try to walk it back if I let her...but I wouldn't.

_"Get the fuck out. I need some space, there's a chance I could be getting custody of Beth back and I can't have toxic shit like that coming from the woman that professes to love me, the original teen mom."_

_"Luce...Q...I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."_

_"But you did. You need to leave, Celia."_

I stormed out of the bathroom and there watching me, was Santana, perched on the couch with tears in her eyes, looking mutinous, as she nursed the baby.

Had she heard that?

Fuck.

* * *

Celia didn't even try to fake it with San, instead she just nodded at her before storming out of the house.

When I turned to look at San, she was putting the baby in the swing and then she turned on Elmo for Izzy who was in his playpen watching us both.

She'd definitely been busy in the few hours that I had been off fucking her sister.

Izzy was bathed and in his pajamas and Dani looked milk drunk

 _"K-Kitchen."_ She said and then got up and walked away.

I gave a glance to the kids, both distracted by Elmo before following her into the kitchen.

 _"About all that...I'm sorry."_ I said but she was just standing there staring me down.

 _"I need a f-favor."_ She said, ignoring my words.

_"Okay...what's up?"_

_"Watch the kids while I g-go to a meeting."_

_"By yourself?"_

_"I d-don't want them there. I tried to g-get B to come home e-early but she's busy."_

_"I can probably catch Ceily before she gets too far."_

_"No. S-She made how she feels clear. The meeting is in few m-minutes...please?"_

_"We both know that Britt insisted I be here for you."_

_"To babysit me. I know."_

_"What kind of babysitter would I be if I let you wander."_

She lifted her pant leg and wiggled her foot.

_"How far c-could I go?"_

_"You'll come right back. Promise me?"_

_"I promise."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

By the time that I got back to the house from my meeting it was nearly dark outside. Everything felt so light, now that I had released the tears that I had been holding in after my time in the kitchen with Q that morning.

When she offered to spank me, I was leery about it because, hello I'm married and Britt would not take kindly to it but at that moment, when I felt so unhinged...that spanking had sent me to bed instead of out to find coke.

And it also kept me level while I took care of the kids, feeding them lunch and reading to them all while Quinn and my sister fucked loudly in my guest room for three hours.

It was getting late and my tremors were back, I had called Britt twice and she blew me off both times. She should have been home by 4 but as it neared 5, there was no sign of her. That's what made me call the second time...all I wanted was to go to a meeting at 5pm. Then I remembered that my sister was at the house and surely, she'd watch my kids while Q went down to the meeting with me.

Or even the reverse, it would have been nice for my sister to go to the meeting with me but then after getting the kids bathed and fed...I heard them arguing.

Had Quinn stopped her life for me?

Did my sister really think that I wanted to go through all the things that I had suffered?

I looked at my kids and still wanted cocaine.

My body began to shake so I shoved my nipple in the baby's mouth to keep myself still but she was just latched without eating.

Instead she fell asleep holding my boob.

When Celia left, I felt like I was going to fall to pieces but then I saw the clock, the meeting started in five minutes.

No Britt.

No help other than my best friend who had crossed a line for me that morning...my ass still ached, reminding me that she'd do it again if I asked.

And I wanted to ask but it was nearing Britt's time coming home and if she walked in on my bare ass being spanked by Q, she wouldn't understand.

So when we got in the kitchen, instead of asking for a repeat, I asked for something else and then I made a promise that I knew I needed to keep.

But then I got home ten minutes early to my dark house, the third floor was lit up and I could hear Isaac running around up there when I made it to the second floor.

I stood at my bedroom window and looked for Britt.

No sign of her.

So, I went back downstairs and out of the door.

I bought what I needed in the span of five seconds and then went back home.

Still no Britt but Quinn was coming down the steps, it occured to me then that in her eyes, I was coming home right on time.

I stood outside my bedroom door and waited for her to pass, my son half asleep in her arms.

_"He ate and had a treatment, I'm going to put him to bed. Where's B?"_

* * *

_**B, where are you?-Ana** _

**_Hey, at the hospital getting a check up. I should be home in an hour.-B_ **

I threw my phone in frustration but it just bounced and landed by the door. The case had saved it from shattering.

At 6pm, I was in bed with no interest in doing anything but sleeping.

My problem was that I couldn't actually sleep because I was stuck with these open eyes and this mind that just wouldn't stop running in circles.

Something was wrong.

Something had happened that I wasn't quite sure of.

I had nearly gone back to drugs earlier in the day and even with me teetering on edge, both Quinn and Britt still left me alone.

My greatest fear in the whole world was being left alone.

No matter how surrounded I was, I consistently found myself stuck between what I wanted and what I needed. Quinn had at least tried and the spanking had done it's job right until my sister shot down my hopes with her honest thoughts of me.

I wanted to make the dark feelings go away.

* * *

I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling when I felt her presence.

Quinn was standing there looking down at me with pity and I hated it.

_"Why are you just laying there like that?"_

I didn't answer Q, I just rolled onto my side and faced the window.

_"Okay. So you don't have to answer...that's fine but please don't turn your back on me."_

She whispered as she climbed into the bed with me, our faces so close we were nearly kissing. She ran her hand over my sore ass and squeezed with a smirk.

_"Still helping?"_

_"A little."_ I whimpered.

_"We are going to get through this San. I have faith that things will get better for you."_

_"Wh-What if that doesn't happen?"_ I whispered as we laid nose to nose.

She pressed a hand to the side of my face and wiped away the tears that were leaking there.

 _"Sweetie...you can't think like this."_ she said. I looked into her eyes which were intensely gray today and tried to smile. _"Don't fake what you don't feel. It will only cause you heartache."_

 _"I don't know Q...I feel weak."_ I admitted in a low voice.

I could feel her minty breath dance across my face as we laid there looking into each other's eyes.

_"San...honey, I think that you are stronger than you think. I think that nobody can bring you down and hurt you more than you have hurt yourself."_

_"I just feel so powerless and a-alone."_

_"You are so not alone, babe. You have both love and support."_

_"But that didn't stop me last time...did it?"_

She looked in my eyes and tried to read the emotions that were there. I had my walls completely open to her in that moment. She leaned in and did for me what I had done for Ari when words just weren't enough. She leaned in and kissed my lips...except this wasn't a peck. This was one of those long and urgent kisses that I had been trying to give Britt before she left.

Something stirred in my stomach and tried to claw its way out as she deepened the kiss. I couldn't stop myself. I threw my leg over her waist and pulled her in closer as she held my face and sucked on my bottom lip.

What was I doing?

Why couldn't I stop myself?

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Shit. Shit. Shit!

That was not supposed to happen.

I was NOT supposed to get sucked in.

This was supremely bad.

I was on top of her with my hand shoved in her sweatpants and her hair gripped in my fist as I slowly teased her clit. She looked at me with those big brown eyes, so different from Celia's. I watched as she bit her bottom lip, trying not to moan. We were silent because we both knew that once we made a noise that this would become real.

She gave in first, grabbing me by the neck and pulling me down until our lips were crashing together again.

 _"Harder."_ she whispered in the softest voice that I had ever heard.

 _"Like this?"_ I lined my knee up behind my hand and used it for leverage.

I watched the fire reignite in her eyes.

The tears had dried up.

It was like watching her rediscover a part of herself that she had long since lost.

This wasn't what I was supposed to be seeing.

I was robbing Britt of this connection.

I was taking Ian's place as the comfort in San's life and breaking everything we had built to keep us from doing this...going here.

We were wrong but the urge to finish was stronger than our minds.

This was all sensation and emotion with no logic behind it.

We were stupid.

* * *

 _"Oh God...San!"_ We should have stopped after I made her cum but we didn't.

Instead of stopping and escaping to my room, I let her crawl between my legs. Her mouth was on me and I didn't want to stop. Instead, I scratched my fingers against her scalp as I resisted screaming her name by burying my face into a pillow that smelled like Brittany.

That should have gotten me to stop.

But I didn't.

I just layed there urging her own as she nibbled on my clit and shoved her fingers inside of me...three in front...one in back...just how I liked it. Something that not even Celia knew. I was too embarrassed to share that bit of kinkiness that Puck had introduced me to.

_"I'm cu...Ah...fuck! Santana!"_

I came in shuddering gasps and immediately was washed with guilt when I realized that we were still in the dark room and we hadn't been caught.

As crazy as it is...it's what I would have preferred, it's better than trying to keep a secret like that from someone like Brittany.

We shouldn't have done it. I should of climbed out of that bed when she got me off but I didn't.

Instead...we rolled around for a little bit longer wrapped up in an intensely hot make out session. It was Dani that finally stopped us. Her hungry whine began and we pulled apart.

With Dani, it was like a warning, if we were going to get cleaned up...we had about twenty minutes before she started wailing and woke up Izzy. So, we climbed from the bed and threw open the windows. We didn't even look at each other as we moved in tandem to get the room back how it should have been.

Which meant, changing the sheets and making sure to locate every single article of clothing.

After the room looked decent and I had shoved the sheets and some towels into the washer we parted ways without a single word.

Thankfully, we showered separately because who knows what would have happened if we had been in there together.

* * *

I was up in my room, freshly showered and blow dried when Celia came into the room loaded down with boxes. I had heard her footsteps and had quickly thrown books and papers all over the bed so it looked like I had been studying.

_"Hey Luce...I thought about what you said, I'm going to do better. Please say you'll still move in."_

That lackluster apology normally would have made me snap at her but after what I had just done, I couldn't deny her a thing.

Moving out was what was best for all of us.

_"Okay...want to help me figure out what to pack?"_

I glanced out the window, looking for B but there was still no sign of her.

So much of me wanted to just pack my overnight bag and leave before she got home but I couldn't leave Ana in this house alone with the kids.

Not with the way she's been all day.

I was filled with anxiety and Celia must have sensed it, assuming that it was something elses entirely.

 _"You aren't changing your mind right because I mean it, I'll get my sisters together and make sure Sunday dinner is here next time."_ She said as she made her way back towards the door.

 _"No, C...I definitely still want to move in with you...I think Britt and San could use their own space."_ I said as I continued to stare down at the street.

Celia had her arms around me and was kissing my neck.

 _"Is that a new body wash?"_ I let out a dry laugh. It was San's body wash, I had taken a shower downstairs while she breastfed the baby but I just shrugged and turned in her arms.

 _"I love you. I need you to know that, no matter what."_ I said to her and then kissed her lips hard. Wanting to savor this moment just in case the shit hit the fan.

Not only would I Britt and San, if anyone found out but I'd lose Ceily and probably my scholarship to school. I had way too much at stake to do something so monumentally stupid.

_"I love you too, Luce."_

_"Good."_

_"I brought food, why don't we go downstairs and eat, before I help you pack?"_ she said as she made her way out of the room.

 _"Yea...okay."_ I felt like shit but I had to be nonchalant about this.

I was the weak link...San could take this to the grave and from the look on her face earlier, I could tell that she clearly planned to.

Hopefully, I didn't fuck it up.

It was just meaningless sex after all...right?

* * *

 _"No...no...no!"_ I heard San screaming in her bedroom as we came down the stairs and then there were crashing noises. I looked at Ceily in a panic because now she could see what I had meant, her sister wasn't in a good place.

Leaving her was always a risk.

There was more smashing and then Ceily sprung into action and tried to open the door.

It was locked.

_"Ana open the door!"_

_"Go away!"_ she screamed. We jumped back when we heard something smash against the door.

 _"What's going on?"_ I heard Britt's voice from behind me and felt my whole body freeze up.

 _"I'm going to check on the kids."_ I muttered not bothering to turn around, instead I just turned and walked straight to the nursery.

Celia was explaining things to Britt and then they both began to try and coax San out of the room.

When I walked into the nursery, I was relieved to see that both the kids were still sound asleep in their cribs.

If Dani had been in the room with Ana, this would have been really bad.

I kissed both Izzy and Dani and then shut the nursery door so that they didn't hear their Mami losing it.

* * *

**Ari's POV**

* * *

I had been sitting in my dorm room after saying goodbye to Brittany, who insisted on bringing me back when the hospital told me that I could recuperate at home.

Britt had gone out and got me food, changed my sheets and made sure I was settled before she left.

And then as I was beginning to fall asleep, Anita called me.

She was a wreck and I felt so heartbroken as I listened to her just sob into the phone mumbling that she was sorry.

 _"This shouldn't have happened."_ she groaned into the phone. _"St-Stupid. St-Stupid."_

 _"Anita, honey, talk to me."_ I sighed.

_"I...I...I fuck! Fuck. Fuck. How c-could this happen again?"_

Then I remembered that Ian had killed himself too and I figured that this breakdown was about Moncho.

 _"You're right...it shouldn't have...but it did."_ I mumbled hoping to get her to see logic. She sobbed harder and began to hiccup. _"Anita...honey calm down...it's going to be okay!"_ I tried to sound happy but with her crying so hard, I couldn't even begin to fake it. _"Things will probably change in your favor now, right?"_

_"H-How could they? How?"_

I laid down under my covers and listened to her broken sobs, trying my best to comfort her.

But then she was blaming herself.

 _"This is all my fault! This happened because I am such a fuck up!"_ she yelled.

_"No...Moncho is dead because he is a fucking loser...he fucked up. Not you."_

_"What?"_ she screeched.

 _"Wait...you're not talking about Moncho killing himself today?"_ I said slowly.

_"No...no...no!"_

* * *

The phone line cut after that. I tried calling back but the line was busy. I knew that Britt should have been home at that point so I called her.

No answer.

So I then I called Quinn.

She picked up on the first ring.

 _"Ari...this isn't such a good time."_ she said, as I heard screaming in the background.

 _"Is that Anita? Oh God...this is so bad!"_ I slapped my palm to my forehead where a headache was forming and tried to wish this away.

 _"How did you know?"_ Quinn sounded anxious.

_"She called me...crying...talking about it being all her fault...that it shouldn't have happened."_

_"Oh God."_ Quinn muttered. _"Fuck."_

_"I thought...that she was talking about Marco."_

_"What? Why? No...why would she?"_

_"He killed himself this morning...I was trying to-"_

_"He what?"_ she yelled in my ear and I held the phone abruptly from my face.

_"He hung himself. I didn't mean to tell her. I didn't think she would be this upset about it."_

_"I'm going to call you back."_

The call dropped and I was left sitting there in the dark, wondering what the hell was happening.

Why was Anita so angry?

Why was Quinn so nervous?

Something wasn't adding up and I was going to find out what it was.

Screw getting rest...I needed to see Anita for myself!

* * *

It was shaping up to be an icy and cold night as I set out to walk to Anita's house.

Britt had been right about me staying at the house and how me being there would probably help so hoping that the invitation was still open, I had packed a bag and was now walking slowly to the corner to hail a cab. It had been my intention to walk but my exhaustion quickly took a tight hold on me.

The cab driver was listening to some old school reggae and it made me think of when Ana and I were kids. We had both just gotten our periods and were developing asses. We were watching music videos trying to imitate the booty shakers on the television.

I remember dancing circles around Anita and nailing every single move while she just focused on twirling her hips seductively like one of the backup dancers. No matter how well, I nailed the dance steps, she oozed that sexuality. I had been gawking at her when her Abuela walked into the room and turned the videos off and yelled at us about the devil's music.

That was the first day that I realized that I was gay...watching her happily dancing in her own little world, even after her Abuela stopped the music.

Anita had always been that way, caught in her own world...something that she ended up needing, more and more with Marco barging in her life. Then the drug habit taught her what being lost in her own mind really was and even though she was still clean, her mind had never really let her go. She was present just like always but that piece of her...

The happy part of her was so fickle.

She had become afraid of happiness because it never stayed around.

And now she was breaking completely apart.

The cab pulled up outside the house which was brightly lit and I handed him some random bit of money before climbing out. He sped off happily and even though I was certain that I had over paid him I wasn't really concerned about it.

He had saved me from passing out on the sidewalk so he could take it and run for all I cared.

 _"No!"_ I froze, I could hear her clearly and that's when I noticed that her bedroom windows were open. If she had been screaming like that since before I called then the whole neighborhood had probably heard it.

I headed straight for the front door and was easily able to stroll into the house. I locked the door behind me because I'm sure that no realized that it was open.

 _"Open the door...please...this is your last chance Ana or I'm breaking it down!"_ that was Britt being stern.

That wasn't what Anita needed.

 _"Fuck...Santana...open this door!"_ that sounded like one of her sisters, probably Celia. I expected to hear Quinn next but there was not a sound from her.

Strange.

I was willing to bet money that whatever had originally set Anita off had to do with Quinn.

* * *

When I got to the top of the stairs, Britt and Celia were working on picking the lock while Quinn stood there against the wall looking like a guilty ten year old.

Something had definitely happened.

 _"Let me help?"_ I said quietly.

Britt stood to her feet and stepped away.

 _"She's blocking the door with something."_ Celia said with an eye roll.

_"I can get her out...why don't you guys go get dinner started...I'll get her out okay."_

Celia was about to argue but Quinn quickly agreed and pulled Celia down the steps.

She was incredibly obvious if you were paying attention and when I turned to look at Britt, I could tell that she was definitely paying attention.

She had sad eyes and was biting her lips really hard.

 _"You see it too...right?"_ she said with a bit of ice in her voice.

I felt caught in her glare.

_"What do you mean?"_

She shrugged and sighed heavily.

 _"Look...can you really get her to open the door?"_ she ran her hands through her hair and then dropped her arms lifelessly to her sides.

_"Yes."_

_"Great...I'll be downstairs getting the table ready."_

_"Okay."_

She got to the top of the steps and turned and looked at me as I was about to stand next to the door.

_"And don't go sleeping with her to get her to calm down."_

I felt like she had slapped me in the face. I pressed a hand to my racing chest.

 _"I would never do that."_ I said honestly.

 _"Yea...well things happen."_ she said before turning and heading down the stairs.

Wow.

Could that be it?

If so then I would lock myself away too.

It was going to be a long night!

* * *

I pressed my face to the wood and knocked just once.

 _"Anita...they're gone...let me in. Okay?"_ I said softly as I waited. I wasn't going to knock again and she knew it. I just stood there waiting to see if she would let me in.

It took about two whole minutes for me to know what was happening.

There was shuffling and then I heard the clinking of broken glass being moved around.

 _"Hold on."_ I heard her whisper. If I hadn't had my ear pressed to the door, I would never had heard it.

Then after a few more minutes the door cracked open just slightly and from the way she was peeking out, I could tell that she was blocking the door with her body. She looked at me with bloodshot eyes and a wild look on her face.

 _"Can I come in?"_ I asked holding my hands out so she could see that I didn't want to harm her.

She stepped back just a fraction and I used that little bit of space to squeeze my body through the little slot. Before I could turn around, the door slammed behind me. I watched as she shoved a huge trunk back against the door and then locked it.

She was completely naked and from what I could see, she was bleeding from her feet and long scratches on her thighs. She sat on top of the trunk and folded her hands on top of her lap. Her head hung low as she sat there staring at the stripped mattress with anger in her eyes.

I didn't say a word but I noticed that her lips were slightly blue tinged and her whole body was rocking back and forth. That's when I remembered that I had heard her from the sidewalk. I went to her windows and slammed them down and locked them. She didn't move from where she was as I dug my phone out of my pocket.

**_Britt...I'm in. She's not in a good place.-Ari_ **

I shoved the phone back in my pocket and then handed her my rosary. She looked at it and then at me.

_"Thank you."_

_"Pray, sweets."_ I said and then rubbed her knees before I walked into the closet and found some sheets for her bed. When I walked back into the room, she still hadn't moved but at least now she was praying, rolling the beads between her fingers.

I made her bed quietly as she mumbled to herself.

* * *

Things happened all at once after that.

I had been grabbing her some pajamas out of the closet when the door started to vibrate with hard forceful knocks. Britt was yelling angrily as she slammed her hand against the door and now both Izzy and Daniela were screaming. In the closet it sounded loud but when I walked into the bedroom, it was ten times as louder.

She wasn't where I had left her.

I looked towards the floor and saw that the glass had been stepped in because I bloody footprints were there now. I followed them to the bathroom and pushed open the door. I stood there in shock as I watched her creating lines of power on the sink top.

That's when I paid attention to what it was that Britt was saying exactly.

 _"Don't do it baby please! Ana...don't!"_ Britt was screaming now and the babies crying seemed even closer.

I stood there next to her as she hunched over the top of the sink with shaking hands and prepared to end her sobriety.

 _"Anita..."_ I said softly as I finally laid a hand on her spine.

Her skin was ice cold but she didn't flinch when I touched her.

 _"You sh-should go."_ Her voice was deeper as she spoke to me without looking away from those lines.

_"No. I won't leave you like this."_

_"Please?"_

_"No, Anita. Just...think about what will happen when you do this."_ I said as wrapped my hand around her arm and pulled.

She didn't budge.

 _"Fine...watch then."_ With that she put her face to the sink and snorted the first line like a pro.

And just like that I felt my heart break in a million pieces.

 _"Stop. Please?"_ I felt the tears on my face as I begged her to stop but she quickly finished off the four lines that were there.

She had done it.

My phone vibrated but I didn't answer.

I needed to do something now.

Anything.

But what?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I knew the moment that I saw Quinn that something had gone too far between them.

Now this was happening.

Why couldn't Ana trust that I would forgive her?

It didn't have to happen like this. I had followed Quinn and Celia downstairs just to confirm my suspicion.

Ana would never crack but Quinn was too easy!

I walked into the kitchen and immediately her whole body tensed up and she kept looking at Celia and then at me.

After basically confirming that my wife had slept with Quinn, I just couldn't handle being in the same room with her so I decided that I would go for a drive instead.

I needed to cool off and since the kids were asleep for the night, I knew that it would be fine because as much as I didn't really trust Quinn or Ana, I did trust Ari.

So I walked into the garage and saw that the passenger side door was open. I thought nothing of it and closed it before walking around and climbing in the driver seat.

* * *

I had forgotten my keys inside and so I leaned over to get the spare out of the glove box when I saw that the bag of cocaine was missing and that's when I realized what Ana was about to do.

After making that discovery, I ran as fast as I could back into the house and up the stairs because I knew that even with Ari there, she would still attempt to do it.

I couldn't let that happen!

For some reason, I forgot that my kids were right across the hall because I was yelling without abandon and banging on the door like the police but I got no answer. I heard movement and crunching glass but no words.

Fuck.

Ari! I remembered that she wasn't by herself anymore.

So I called Ari, hoping that she would let me talk to Ana but she didn't answer.

Celia and Quinn behind me again with Celia on the phone with one of the sisters and Quinn standing there with tears in her eyes.

I could see that she felt guilty and I didn't care. This just couldn't be happening.

She was on house arrest.

They were going to drug test her randomly and this stayed in your system for days.

Nothing that she did would have let me be so mad to attack her over sleeping with Quinn.

Why didn't she know that?

* * *

I slid down against the door and rested my head against it with Izzy in my arms. He had been crying out for his Mami until he cried himself to sleep. His breathing was a little ragged so I was trying to hold him so that his breathing would calm down. Meanwhile, Quinn was feeding Dani and trying to get her to fall back asleep.

I wanted to not be mad at her for this but I couldn't help myself.

This was her fucking fault, at least partially.

I heard the sound of glass being swept up and then I heard Ari's voice mumbling softly.

She was praying.

I could hear the shaking in her voice.

I was insanely anxious.

This was bad.

I should have just come home when she called. I should have seen this coming.

Quinn had just gotten sucked in and now she was keeping a really big secret from Celia and attempting to keep it from me as well.

Except...I knew.

* * *

I had just put Izzy down in his crib when I heard the creak of my bedroom door and footsteps. I looked over at Quinn who was still in the glider feeding Dani and then I stepped into the hallway. Celia was talking to someone downstairs, it sounded like Sandra and Damariz were both here. Ana was not going to be happy about that.

What I saw once I was in the hallway made a chill run through me.

Ari was standing there looking at me with wide eyes full of tears and blood smeared on her clothes.

 _"Did she do it?"_ I asked with a dry, strangled voice.

 _"Yea."_ she said. _"She's...passed out on the bed."_ Ari said as she looked back over her shoulder into the dark room.

_"Did she talk to you?"_

_"No...not really. She snorted the coke and then, she snorted straight from another bag until her nose started bleeding and then she threw up blood."_

_"Oh God."_

_"I cleaned her up and then brought her back to the bed. I was going to try and dress her but the moment that she touched the bed she was out cold. I thought...I thought she had died because at first she didn't have...a...a pulse. I know though that the heart can hesitate when you take drugs...hers did but then it started right up again."_ Ari rambled as she looked up at me.

I wrapped my arms around her and she sobbed against my shoulder.

 _"Shh...it's okay. Shh...shh. Calm down."_ I whispered, trying my best to calm her down.

 _"Where is she?"_ I froze when I heard Sandra's cold voice.

There was nothing that she could do right now...it would have to wait until she woke up. I let go of Ari and threw myself in front of the open doorway. Sandra was now standing toe to toe with me.

 _"Sandra...she's passed out cold. You can't be more pissed at her than I am right now...just...please don't make this worse?"_ I begged.

She looked at me and instead of the ice I expected I saw her concern.

 _"I'm not interested in the drama, Britt, I just want to be here for my sister...I can't lose another little sister, okay?"_ I looked in her eyes and saw the truth there and nodded.

_"Okay."_

I stepped to the side and let her walk inside and then I followed her.

She turned on the lamp and then looked down at Ana.

Her body was completely covered but you could see that there was blood smeared on her face and foam on her lips.

She looked calm but her body was twitching.

 _"Oh God! Get Mari...Britt go get Mari!"_ Sandra yelled as she climbed in the bed and wrapped herself around my wife.

 _"What's wrong?"_ I panicked.

_"She's...overdosing...we need to get her to a hospital. Now."_

And that's when the seizure started.

Fuck.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Why'd you do it."_

_"I wanted to be with you Ian."_

_"You weren't ready yet, Mami."_

_"It's too hard. Marco left me today."_

_"He hurt you so bad."_

_"Because he loved me. All the men in my life...they leave. I know it's only a matter of time before Isaac leaves me too."_

_"That's crazy talk."_

_"I keep fucking up. I keep screwing up my life. I just want out."_

_"Why?"_

_"The kids and Britt would be better off without me...just like Tor...you said she was better off without you and now she's living with Coach Sue. I hear she's doing good."_

_"She is. I wish that I was still with you though, Mami."_

_"Me too."_

_"These drugs are bad news. You need help."_

_"I know."_

_"Please don't do it again."_

_"I can't promise that. Look how peaceful I am right now."_

_"Do you think the kids are?"_

_"They are too young to understand."_

_"No...they aren't. They know."_

_"No they don't."_

_"Yes...Mami they do and you just let them down."_

My heart sank.

_"Like Papi."_

_"What?"_

_"I have become my parents...my father. I'm not better than him and the drinking."_

_"So do something about it."_

_"Like what?"_

_"You already know the answers. You just need to do it."_

_"You're right."_

_"Am I?"_

_"Yea...I was doing so well...and then I buckled under the pressure."_

_"That's how I died. I buckled."_

_"I would have helped you."_

_"Like you let everyone help you?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"Everyone wants to help you, Mami and you are just standing in your own way."_

_"How do I stop?"_

_"Give in. Stop fighting your own happiness."_

_"Easier said than done."_

_"That's because talk is cheap. Actions are priceless."_

_"I'm scared."_

_"So am I...because...I left you when I needed to stand by your side. Please don't do that to Britt and the kids."_

_"It's too much on my shoulders."_

_"As a kid you were afraid to be alone and now you are never alone. Appreciate what a blessing that is. God answered your prayer."_

_"He did?"_

_"Didn't he?"_

_"He did."_

_"So what are you going to do to appreciate it?"_

_"I'm going to live."_

_"That a girl!"_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

Thank God that Sandra had noticed and Damariz had been prepared.

The hospital would have reported this and a slew of shit would have come raining down on all of us.

San was still passed out as the sun started to rise.

Her sisters and Ari all laid surrounding her in the bed while I sat in the nursery rocking Dani back to sleep after another bottle.

I had been falling asleep when I looked up to see Britt standing above me watching as I fed Dani and I smiled at her but she just shook her head and stared back at the baby.

She had her hands clenched and was trying to not say what she wanted to say.

_"I know what happened."_

My heart began racing as she spoke those words.

 _"B...I-"_ I had no words, so I just looked at her but she wasn't looking at me.

_"You can't tell Celia. She won't understand like I do. She'll only make things worse. Ana doesn't need this to be any worse...she needs us to help her. She needs us to fight for her."_

I went to speak but she turned on her heels and left the room.

A bright light shone in the room at that moment and I closed my eyes as God filled the room with the beautiful light.

 _"I'm so sorry Lord."_ I said quietly.

I had struck a new low and now I felt like San had paid the price for it.

Hopefully, she was going to wake up stronger than ever.

She had to.

She was a Lopez.

And she had always told me that a Lopez doesn't quit.

I looked down at the beautiful baby in my arms and then over at Isaac with his thumb pressed to his lips, for their sake I was hoping that she was right.

They needed her more than she needed that cocaine.

And from now on, with everyone finally seeing the extent of her addiction, hopefully they would fight right along side of her.

This wasn't about what had happened between us.

Britt was right.

This was about Ana and I couldn't stand in her way or distract her.

If she was going to fight...we all needed to be on the same page.

We had to help her fight.


	45. Oceans (Coldplay)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

My skin was on fire as I was tossed on the dark waves, the water splashing my face is threatening to take me under and I choke on it.

Everything hurts and stings but then there are these moments where I feel still and cool, safe.

When I wake up, the room is dark and I'm not alone.

There are voices around me, talking about what they need to do to save me from myself.

I heard Celia's voice and my blood runs cold.

_"It's my fault, I said some fucked up shit to Quinn earlier about how I blame Ana for all of the shit she's been through. I talked about her like she was nothing to me and when I got back, she was already off the deep end."_

_"Don't blame yourself."_ Mari said, her voice accompanied by her touch against my forehead and then our eyes meet. _"Can you hear me?"_ She asks and I look at her for a long moment, trying to take in her eyes and her sadness. I had pulled her away from her newborn in my selfishness.

 _"Yes."_ I said, my throat sore and the sound of my own voice too loud.

There was shuffling and then Celia was looking down at me too...and Sandra.

My sisters had finally shown up, it's a shame that this is what it took though. I'd been drowning for a while.

Nice of them to show up.

 _"Hey, I'm so sorry baby girl."_ Ceily said.

 _"Me too."_ I said to her and she raised an eyebrow.

_"You're an addict, we can't blame you for breaking."_

_"No. Th-That's not what I'm sorry for."_

_"Then what?"_

_"I f-fucked her. After you left. R-Right in this bed."_

There was a fire in her eyes and I think if I hadn't almost just died, that she would have killed me with her bare hands.

_"That's not funny, Ana."_

_"S-She sc-screamed for me. Even breaking down, y-your stupid j-junkie sister...stole your girl."_ I said, glaring at her, thinking of what she had said about me, my kids, and my habits.

 _"Ana, stop it."_ Sandra was saying and then I was cackling, harshly, reminding myself of Papi at his meanest.

I watched Celia wipe tears from her face and then the door slammed.

Welp...she started it.

* * *

I passed out after cackling so much that I choked.

Even with my crassness, I still was wrapped up tight in Sandra's arms for most of the night.

When I woke up again, Mari was gone, probably gone to take care of her baby and that was fine with me...she'd saved my life, yet again and I owed her so fucking much.

 _"You awake?"_ Sandra asked me as she rested her head on my shoulder.

_"Yeah."_

_"How are you feeling?"_

_"Alone."_

_"Even now?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Well you're not alone."_

_"B...she's not here."_ I said, feeling the tears clogging up my throat.

_"She's sleeping in your office. Want me to get her?"_

_"No. I n-need you."_

_"Okay...talk to me, Ana."_

_"N-Next time, let me die._ " I said, more tears coming.

_"No. I won't lose you."_

_"E-Everyone is better without me."_

_"This is your postpartum talking, Ana. This is your grief swallowing you but you don't want to die...you don't want to leave those babies."_

I sobbed hard as I thought of my babies.

And my sister just held me tight as I wept.

It's what I really needed all day, just to be held and if I had called her at any point in the day, she would have made her way to me...for this.

But I hadn't, instead I had spiraled and was left with the person who was just going to try to bandage me the best way she knew how...so now I'd imploded my own life and dragged Quinn down too...and Celia...and my marriage.

I was a poison.

_"I'm j-just tired...so f-fucking tired."_

* * *

_"We are going to get you help, Anita."_ Came a scratchy voice that made me both hot and cold at the same time.

Ari had been the last person that didn't see me as a junkie until tonight.

I watched my oldest friend climb up from the floor and lay in front of me, her eyes looking into mine like Quinn's had before everything had completely gone to shit.

 _"Ari."_ I whimpered. _"I'm so s-sorry."_

_"Me too, we all failed you and I'm so sorry, babe. So freaking sorry. I kept Britt from you today, she was taking care of me when she should have been here with you. I'm sorry."_

The reality of why B hadn't come home hit me. She'd been helping someone and not just someone, but Ari.

I gripped Ari's hands and brought them to my lips, crying against them.

 _"F-Forgive me."_ I said. _"Please, Arita...p-please?"_

My sister held me and then so was Ari...they were praying over me as I wept.

And then I fell into a peaceful sleep with that security surrounding me.

I was floating out of the water...my body suspended between the darkness and the light.

And all I could see was those eyes of blue.

Brittany.

Ian.

Isaac.

Courtney.

Oh God, Court.

My wife was still grieving...still hurting.

And then my own personal demon was dead.

Leaving me with his precious daughter that he had been fighting to get to know...both my children had lost a father to suicide.

The chill in my bones and the ache in my head and feet, was ever present.

And then it all faded to black.

Thankfully.

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

When Britt left me in the nursery, after letting me know that she knew what I had done, I had wept silently.

 _"Dama?"_ Izzy called to me, his voice sounding strained and then I heard the wheeze.

Usually when he needed a treatment, we deferred to Britt because he sat with her better than anyone else but there was no way I was going to track her down at that moment.

Maybe she didn't trust me with Santana anymore but I knew that she still trusted me with her kids.

I'd never harm them or put them in danger...unlike...I couldn't let my mind go there.

San was an addict and she had a psychotic break, postpartum had gone unchecked with her and all the spankings in the world weren't going to fix it.

I should have just held her and let her break down but that would have meant getting vulnerable with her.

Which I couldn't do.

That's not how I was built.

I set up Izzy's machine and camped out on the floor between the cribs, creating a little bed out of blankets.

Then I picked him up and brought him to the floor with me. I was so tired that I was afraid to fall asleep with him in my arms, at least this way if we both fell asleep, it would be on a flat surface.

I put his mask on and got the machine started, then I brushed my fingers through his hair and sang to him.

There were footsteps in the hallway and then the door creaked open.

Since the room was only lit by the nightlight, I had to strain to see who it was.

But then I saw the golden curls.

Ari.

* * *

She came over and sat next to Izzy, tucking the blanket around him better than I had.

 _"How is she?"_ I asked.

_"In and out. She keeps having these moments of being lucid and then she passes out again."_

_"How lucid?"_

_"Enough for her to tell her sister that she had sex with you."_

_"Oh God."_ I groaned...and I thought I was the weak link.

_"She has bruises...did you know?"_

_"Bruises?"_

_"On her back side...like hand prints. Did you...spank her?"_ She said the last part in a whisper.

I looked down at Izzy, his face identical to his mother's and I kissed his forehead.

 _"Anything that we have done has always been consensual. I would never take advantage of her, despite what it may seem but the real question here is,_ w _hy is that any of your business?"_ I asked her finally.

_"It's not...I just...wish people would stop using force to get through to her. It doesn't work, it just drives her deeper into her head."_

_"You don't know her like you think you do, Ariana."_

_"Neither do you. She was so broken and guilty about what you two did. I have every reason to believe that she had those windows open because she was trying to get up the nerve to jump."_

_"She wouldn't."_

_"Neither would Moncho...not normally but something pushed him and from what I saw, she was really close to taking herself out. The real question is why are you still here when you contributed to what could have been her death?"_

_"Can you stop saying that...please?"_ I was crying now and Izzy scrunched up his face when he saw my tears. He reached his hand towards my face and I leaned closer so he could touch me. _"I know he's a baby but he's impressionable still. Maybe I messed up and maybe I should be packing and leaving but I can't...not while she is out of it and Britt's cleaning up the wreckage. She made ME their godmother...not you or her sisters. She trusted me to advocate for them and be here when the world fell down and I'm doing just that."_

_"If you say so."_

_"Aren't you here to look after her? Let me do my job and you do yours."_ I dropped my head after that, pressing my lips against Izzy's head as I held him close and went back to singing to him.

Ari seemed to get the message, leaving finally after making me feel even worse about the state of affairs.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Help."_ I whimpered into the phone.

_"I thought you didn't want to talk to me...God it's like the middle of the night there...what is going on?"_

_"You were right...she nearly overdosed tonight."_

_"Oh God. Is she okay?"_

_"I don't know. Her sisters and Ari are in there with her. Seeing her like that isn't going to help me...I don't know if anything will."_

_"So what are you going to do?"_

_"I made a promise to her that I would take the kids away if she ever went off the deep end...I think I don't have a choice."_

_"Oh Britt...honey...what are you going to do about your marriage?"_

_"She has to go to rehab. Not in a week or a month, but as soon as possible."_

_"Yeah, but how are you going to get her to stay in rehab. Remember Lake George?"_

I was sitting in her office, curled up on the couch trying to decide my next steps...I could hear them through the wall, talking to each other about what to do about money. With the Lopez sisters, that is what it always seemed to come down to.

But this was about more than money, it was about her life and the life of our kids.

_"There's something else too."_

_"What?"_

_"She fucked Quinn."_

There was a gasp and then a chuckle.

_"You know what, B...I'm honestly not super surprised. If I didn't know any better, I'd think they've been fucking this whole time. They could have a whole secret sexual relationship that you know nothing about...think about how crazy that doesn't sound."_

_"I need to kick her out...and make it clear that she needs to back off."_

_"Yup, you should have done that a long time ago. She just trots these people she's fucked in your face. You deserve more."_

_"I do?"_

_"Yes! You adopted her kids that she created with other people and you have been building your WHOLE life around her every step of the way. You should be on tour right now but what are you doing? You're stressing over her relapsing yet again. When is enough, enough?"_

_"She's trying...and well I do like Broadway so far."_

_"As much as potentially dancing on tour?"_

_"No."_

_"Are you really happy, B?"_

_"I..."_ There was a door slam and then heavy steps passing the door and going up the steps.

When I opened the door, I could see Ceily making her way upstairs.

Had something happened?

_"Just be smart about this, Brittany. I get that we can't be together...but that doesn't mean that you should be settling at 19 years old at the very least, it's time for Quinn to go. You are basically letting her mistress live with you and play house with your wife when you're not around."_

_"Isn't that what you were trying to do when I was staying with you and Siobhan?"_

_"It was, so I know exactly what I'm talking about."_

_"Britt?"_ I looked up and saw Ari's searching eyes.

_"I gotta go. Thanks for listening to me."_

_"Anytime. I love you, B."_

_"Me too."_ I muttered before hanging up.

* * *

Ari sat down on top of Ana's desk and crossed her arms over herself.

 _"What now?"_ I snapped.

_"Was that Francis?"_

_"It was."_

_"And I'm sure she did her best to turn you against Anita...didn't she?"_

_"Of course she did and I'm not gonna lie, it kinda worked a little. I can't let Quinn stay here."_

_"Which thing pushed you over the edge, the spanking or the sex?"_

The breath left my body.

_"What?"_

Ari got paler and shook her head.

_"You can see the handprints on her ass...I confronted Quinn about it...she didn't deny it."_

And then I was thinking about what Frankie said about them carrying on a whole affair under my nose.

How stupid was I?

The tears came then and I did nothing to stop them.

_"Santana loves me."_

_"Of course she does, that's all she talked about when we were together, her future with you."_

_"And you were okay with that?"_

_"I made my peace with the fact that her heart belongs to you. I was just her comfort...with Quinn though, they've been loving each other for so long that the lines get blurred. I don't think Quinn meant to hurt either of you, she just got carried away."_

_"Yeah, well...she needs to go."_

* * *

I pulled out the sofa bed for Ari and got her set up in the office, even though I hadn't gotten any sleep at all, I knew that there was no sleep to be had. Not until Quinn was gone and I knew for sure that my wife was okay.

Before I could leave the room, Ari, who was tucked in and clutching a pillow reached out and grabbed my hand.

_"Yeah?"_

_"I agree that Quinn needs to go but remember that in everything, she's always had your back and protected you too. She's just confused...don't be too hard on her. Consider the source of your anger...and how you breaking up your life, might benefit Frankie."_

My anger deflated then, she was right.

After I had nearly killed Santana, it was Quinn who stood up for me and protected me from the Lopez family. Not once did she keep Izzy from me and at every chance, she was finding ways for me to know what was going on.

I had been confused before too...thinking that a relationship was more than it was.

Things had been tense, we were all going through our own things and Izzy was crazy attached to her.

I couldn't cut her out of my life...and the truth was, I didn't really want to.

There's no way that my wife had let Quinn do things to her without some sort of consent, she was just trying to fill a need for comfort from someone she trusted. If not Quinn...it would have been Ari. I think where I got confused about all of this, was Quinn's intentions.

My wife wasn't in her right mind...but what was Quinn's excuse.

_"Thanks, Ari."_

_"Anytime...let me know if there is anything I can do. Okay?"_

_"Right now, I just want you to take good care of my marrow and get some rest. Cool?"_

_"Yeah. Night."_

_"Night."_

* * *

**Quinn's POV**

* * *

By the time that I got Izzy to not only fall asleep but stay asleep, it was nearing 5am. My head was killing me and all I wanted was to go back to the day before and not push Britt out the door for work.

I fell asleep not long after Izzy's second treatment, curled around him on the floor.

Almost as soon as I fell asleep, I felt my arm being lifted from over Izzy and him being picked up. When I opened my eye just a peak, I saw Ceily placing him in his crib. I closed my eyes again and tried to pretend that I hadn't woken up.

But the problem with that kind of deception is that a person who has slept next to you more than once, knows when you're awake generally.

So when her body laid next to mine and she picked up my hand, I knew she'd start talking.

_"You can fake being asleep because you are too afraid to look me in the eyes...that's fine...I just wanted to say that even though I said what I said earlier is still very much true to me...I will pick my sister and her happiness over mine, every single time. That being said, I think you and I need some time away from each other. Which means, you don't have to move to Brooklyn...yay."_

She sounded so dejected and it pained me deeper than I could have ever imagined.

When Rachel cheated on me with Finn and then Brittany...I was angry but this...here, just hurt.

I opened my eyes, the tears coming fast and she was looking back to me with dry eyes, her Lopez stare more terrifying than Santana's by leaps and bounds.

Which I did not think was possible.

 _"I'm sorry."_ I whispered.

_"How long after I left did it take you to fall into bed with her?"_

_"Why does that matter?"_

_"Answer the question?"_

_"An hour or so."_

She nodded and then dropped my hands.

_"And how long have you been in love with my sister?"_

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes, hardly able to look in her eyes.

 _"Since I was six."_ I admitted and then tried to smile, _"but that love, pales in comparison to what I feel for you. Please believe me...I'll do anything to fix this."_

_"I don't know if that's possible. I could ask you not to talk to her ever again but she's my sister...she's going to be in our lives. You are the godmother of her children and in my family...my culture having a comadre is like having a blood bond with someone. I can no more, ask you to not see her than you can ask me to not be her sister. I just think...you need to take a step back from me...and her...to reevaluate how you feel and if you're just with me because I'm a substitute for her. I won't play second fiddle...especially not to my little sister."_

_"Are you saying there's a chance for us?"_

_"I'm saying that you need to reassess your priorities, you say you want Beth back and that you want to be a mom...even though you plan to go to med school. You say that you love me but then you fuck my married sister in her marital bed...when she's having a breakdown. You are acting like a kid...you can't do that anymore. It's time for you to be the woman that you have been pretending to be since you gave birth."_

_"Wow."_

_"I'm just calling it how I see it. You harassed me to come out to my mom and I did...even though she's relentless with her taunts now, I did it. Now I'm going to call you on your shit too."_

_"Noted."_

_"Good. I'm pulling for you, Luce...fix your shit."_ She kissed my face and then she got up and left me lying there...with my mind all in tatters.

There was no sleeping after that...I could feel it. The era of me living here with my two best friends was over...I looked at the two sweetest faces other than Beth's and I silently wept.

For them...and for me.

How had everything gotten so screwed up?

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

A reminder buzzed on my phone around 5:30, as I made my way upstairs with a warm bottle for Dani.

Sandra had passed me in the hall on her way upstairs to check on Celia, which meant that I could finally go check on my wife after I fed the baby.

Dani would be up any minute for her morning feeding and I didn't want anyone to be startled awake by her cries, especially Izzy.

I'd gone to check on him at least twice in the middle of the night and both times he and Quinn were curled up on the floor and he was getting a treatment.

Maybe I was pissed at her but I knew that regardless of what was going on, she would always look out for the kids and that is probably what saved me from cutting off her fucking hands.

Breathe.

When I walked into the nursery, Quinn had her face pressed against her knees as she wept.

I left her there as I scooped up the baby and left the room.

I'd deal with her later...right then, I needed to see what was going on in my bedroom.

* * *

When I pushed the door open, it was mostly dark, so I flicked on a lamp and then sat at the edge of our bed, feeding Dani, while watching her mother twitch in her sleep.

This wasn't how things were supposed to be but this is where we were.

At that moment as I watched her crashing down from her biggest high in months, I thought hard about how I was going to deal with the issues that had brought us to this moment.

How did she and Quinn end up in bed together and how could I have stopped it from happening?

There were so many questions swirling around in my mind but I knew one thing for sure, there was no way that I was going to bring up the things that had just happened.

From what I could tell she'd had a psychotic breakdown...like I did the day I almost killed her. I knew the feeling of a total loss of control and how much it changes you.

Ana didn't deal well with losing control and with everything that had happened to her she had still maintained a level of normalcy but this...this was her completely giving into her impulses and not caring about anything.

She had lost her mind and I knew from experience that when she finally woke up she would be in a very fragile state emotionally and mentally, so I had to tread lightly.

We would get through this.

Drugs and cheating be damned.

We were meant to be together and now that we had both walked in each others shoes, I knew that this would make us stronger as a unit.

I loved her more now than I ever had.

Love does that.

Right?

* * *

Dani was an angel baby, she didn't fuss through her bottle or her diaper change, she just wiggled, farted and fell back to sleep.

When I put her down in the nursery, this time Quinn was sitting up against the wall between the cribs with her eyes looking off in a blank stare. Tears streamed down her cheeks and even though she knew that I was in the room, she didn't acknowledge me at first.

I hovered above her for a few seconds, trying to figure out what else could be said other than what I had told her the night before but then she was looking at me with pitiful eyes and talking.

 _"I'm sorry...B. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have stopped it and I'm sorry that I didn't."_ her eyes remained locked on mine as she spoke to me. _"I went too far...I don't know who started it but please don't be mad at her, I'll take all the blame."_ Quinn said.

 _"I'm not mad at her."_ I said quietly. I was surprised how much that felt like the truth and then I realized that it was.

Quinn's eyes went wide with shock.

 _"You're not?"_ her eyebrows scrunched up as she looked at me with hopeful eyes.

_"No. I know Santana and she had to be in a really dark place to go there with you. Had it been Ari, I would have been pissed at her because I know that they love each other almost the way that I love her. You though...you don't love her like that and she doesn't love you like that. I know that it will never happen again and I know for a fact that she has punished herself enough over it...so there is no need for me to punish her too."_

_"So you're not mad at me either?"_ I wanted to smack that grin off of her face because that wasn't what I had said but then I tried to ignore what Frankie wanted...and my anger over just the betrayal of it all. This was someone who's had my back.

She loved me...she had just made a terrible mistake...it's not like she choked anyone. Once I humbled myself a bit, I responded to her as calmly as I could.

 _"No matter what happens today, Quinn, I want you to know that you can't live with us anymore. I don't care where you go but it won't be under my roof. You betrayed me, her and these kids that you love so much."_ She let out a sob at that. Good. _"She had no control...she would have slept with whoever it was...even Marco. Sex is just sex to her when she's desperate to gain some control back. I understand her and how it happened on her side...but I don't get why you did it."_

I stood there looking at her without shifting my eyes or my feet because I honestly needed to know what she got out of sleeping with my wife.

_"I don't know what came over me, B but it will NEVER happen again. I will do better and be better to both of you. I'm so sorry."_

_"I'm sorry too, Quinn. I need you to not be here when she wakes up...which will be very soon."_ I said as I brushed an exhausted hand through my hair.

I had too much to deal with.

This was at the top of my list.

Thankfully, she didn't put up a fight, instead, she just got to her feet and left the room without a word.

I knew that she would do what I wanted.

Now all I had to do was make sure that Ana was okay.

* * *

I walked into my bedroom and shut the door before making my way over to the windows and opening the blinds. The bright March sun peaked in and lit up every corner of the room, including the bed.

I saw her shift under the covers and then she buried her face in a pillow.

She was awake.

I walked to her side of the bed, effectively blocking the window.

 _"Good morning, Ana."_ I said softly as I pulled back the blanket and looked down at her body. The bruises that Ari had been referring to were there...Quinn's hand prints on something that wasn't hers.

My anger flared up and I took a moment to grab my pill before coming back to admire my wife's naked body as she buried her face in the covers.

Even with everything that had happened, I desired her still. I kicked off my slippers and slid into the bed and laid against her body.

I felt her stiffen as I put a hand on her lower back and ran it up her spine slowly until I reached the nape of her neck and then I went in the opposite direction and moved my hand towards her lower back again and over the bruising on her ass...so many hand prints.

Fucking Quinn.

I bristled but I had to stay focused.

 _"Are you hungry?"_ I whispered against the side of her face as I ran a hand over her body and pulled her against me. _"I know that I am."_ I said suggestively.

 _"Y-You're such a horndog."_ That was the first thing that she said to me and it made me smile. She shifted until she was facing me. Her face was swollen and her nostrils were still red.

She was still beautiful.

She still took my breath away.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I tried to avoid waking up at all, knowing that the reality that I'm about to face is going to be worse than my worst moment the day before, where I had committed adultery, broken my sobriety, and likely severed some relationships.

As I kept my eyes pressed closed, the hangover strong behind my eyes, I knew for a fact that things were going to be bad and I just didn't know if I was ready to deal with it. The cover had been pulled back on all of my anxiety, depression, and addiction.

I had shattered Ari's perception of me, with my willingness to skirt the edges of life and death when she was still fighting for her life, she now had first hand knowledge of just how fucking selfish I could be and it made me feel even sicker.

All I wanted was to hide in my covers for the rest of my life but Britt knew me enough to not let that happen. She knew that I was going to try to avoid waking up on my own and that she was going to have to essentially force me out of bed.

I had so many emotions running through me and there wasn't much that I could do to fix any of it, until I was honest with the love of my life. I had broken our vows in that very bed with the last person that I should have.

And then poor Q...when she gave in to having sex with me, she didn't realize just how tough it would all be on her. I could bounce back, I had money and connections out the ass but she was a scholarship kid who was living in my house rent free. She had no family or friends in New York...not real ones anyway.

If she had to cut herself out of my life, it would break her down and send her towards pink hair dye right when she is on the cusp of motherhood and I really only had myself to blame.

Britt would support me, it's what she did...even though I had completely betrayed her but then she laid at my side and the moment that she touched me, my thoughts and questions were erased.

_"I love you Ana...and I'm not going anywhere no matter what happens."_

It was at that moment that I realized that she already knew, how could she not...I probably had bruises from the spanking alone but even then...when she brushed her hand over my ass...I felt her love and knew that she wasn't going to let me go.

* * *

She leaned in and kissed my lips and I immediately felt the tears drain down my face.

Britt pulled back and wiped at my tears with her thumbs before leaning in and kissing me again.

 _"I'm not letting you go. I mean that!"_ she said as she ran her hand over my ass. I closed my eyes and leaned in and kissed her again.

She was taking all the dirty feelings and making them clean.

It was everything that I needed and everything I wanted but nothing that I deserved.

_"I love you, B...I'm so sorry."_

_"I forgive you, baby. Even for Quinn."_ I sucked in a breath and just nodded in understanding that she knew EVERYTHING. She moved in closer and captured my bottom lip between her teeth. _"Let me make it better, Ana. Please?"_ she said softly.

 _"What?"_ I said in shock.

 _"Just...let me do this?"_ She pulled me so that I was facing her and was completely against her. _"When we leave this room today, the whole world is going to change but for right now in this moment. Let's just be us? Okay?"_

I looked at her in shock but I didn't argue.

She was right.

 _"Okay...but then...we talk?"_ I asked not wanting the answer but knowing that it was necessary.

 _"Yes...over breakfast."_ she said before kissing me again and rolling on top of me.

I looked up into Britt's eyes and felt all the shame and disappointment in myself.

I didn't deserve this.

I didn't deserve her.


	46. Chapter 46: Waves (Dean Lewis)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here, on, I'm off the original...so if you like it, let me know. Love ya-NR

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I looked down at her dark eyes and the black curls framing her face which made her look like a dark angel.

 _"Do you want to tell me what happened?"_ I asked her because I knew that this wasn't the kind of thing that she could just hold in.

_"Af-After you left...I went in s-search of drugs...Q st-stopped me. I just wanted to feel s-something. So...she gave me a d-distraction."_

_"She spanked you."_

_"Yeah."_

_"I don't think I've even gotten to do that. I didn't know that was a thing you needed."_

_"S-Sometimes, yes but I c-can't ask you for that."_ She looked thrown off that I would even consider that sort of thing.

 _"Why not? Marco..."_ I paused as her eyes welled up with tears. _"He always said that he conditioned you to need pain...I'm not surprised that this is a part of that. I just wish you had trusted me to do that for you and not...well Quinn."_

She was staring in my eyes and I could see her wheels spinning, then she rested her shaky hand on my cheek.

_"It w-was the first time in y-years. When she asks me if she s-should worry...that's what she's asking. If I need her to t-take the edge off. Usually I say no."_

How many times had I heard Quinn ask that question and thought nothing of it?

It was like they had their own private language. It made sense, Quinn has known Ana at least 10 years longer than I have, for so long she was the glue that held my wife together and it was easy to see how they blurred the lines a little too much.

_"So it wasn't sexual?"_

_"No. It...did help. I w-went to sleep after. I felt energ-gized...then you w-weren't coming home and I felt off again. I was gonna ask her for another...just so I could be ok until you got home."_

_"But then Ceily talked shit about you?"_

_"Yes and I b-broke. I went to a m-meeting and then came here and you weren't here yet. So I went back out and b-bought drugs and grabbed the stuff from the car. I m-mixed them."_

_"Which is why you overdosed."_

_"Yes."_

_"Did you want to die?"_

_"K-Kinda."_

_"How about now?"_

_"No. I...just need help."_ She started to cry harder and I just wrapped her in my arms tighter. _"I was lay-laying here...sinking d-deeper and you weren't home...all I wanted was...this ti-time with you...Ari told me she k-kept you from me. I d-don't blame you. I just needed something right then...Q just got me th-through. Gave me a d-distraction...we both felt t-terrible after. We h-haven't talked since then."_

 _"No?"_ In my mind they had cuddled after, laughing at me but to know they did it and then walked away full of regret.

_"No. I don't wa-want people to shun her. Please d-don't be mad at her. Please?"_

_"I told her she can't stay here anymore."_

_"You did?"_

_"It's better for us, that she not be here at least for a while, okay baby?"_

_"Okay."_ She cried harder now and I felt terrible about it but I couldn't trust Quinn right now...not with my wife.

_"You can still be friends...you just need boundaries...some space, baby...that's it."_

_"Okay."_

_"And if you ever need a spanking I'm here...you don't need to go to anyone else. Understand."_

_"Yes."_

_"Good...now, know that I forgive you and I don't count yesterday as real cheating. I get what was going on with you...I know you won't go there again and neither will she. She was really broken up about it and I couldn't even be super mad at her because she was up all night with Izzy, taking care of him. How could I hate her after that?"_

_"She loves our kids."_

_"Yeah."_

_"We got our wires cr-crossed. We both feel dirty...shitty."_

_"I get that._

_"And she loves you, B. Hur-Hurting you was the last thing she wan-wanted. Q was tr-trying to help in her own weird way."_

I didn't respond to that immediately, I just kissed her hard. _"She wasn't thinking about me yesterday...it stings a bit now that_ _I know what happened, I feel bitter but I'll work through it, Right now, I just want to help you feel clean again."_

She looked up at me in disbelief but then she nodded as she choked back a sob.

 _"M-Make me yours again, B."_ she whispered with a stone cold look of heartbreak in her eyes.

I leaned in and kissed her face softly over and over again.

The tears kept coming but acted like I didn't see them or hear them as I made my way down towards her neck and then her shoulders. She moaned through her tears and when I leaned down and took her swollen nipple into my mouth she hissed. I could feel how full her breasts were with milk.

Milk that was now tainted with cocaine.

That thought must have hit her at the same time because she covered her face and sobbed into her hands. I kissed her breasts and then made my way back up and moved her hands and kissed her lips.

She didn't kiss back at first but then after me kissing her a few more times, she finally gave in and kissed me back, long and hard.

I was praying that I could help her feel loved by me so that when she faced the world she would still feel content in our love for one another.

* * *

_"Oh, B!"_

I had thrown off the blanket and was now making my way down her body. Every time I looked up at her, I could see that she was watching me with this intense look on her face. I let my hands wander down to the core of her and she sucked in a breath.

Then she winced and I froze.

I looked up at her and could feel my face get hot.

 _"Did she hurt you?"_ I whispered as I slowly ran my fingers over her clit.

I watched her eyes water again and her chin trembled as she tried to hold back the emotion. I was getting angry. It was one thing for them to go at it but Quinn had been rough while doing it.

 _"I'm fine."_ she said as she sniffled and closed her eyes.

 _"Damnit Santana...look at me. Did she hurt you? Was she too rough? Are you hurting? Don't lie to me!"_ I growled. I sounded angrier than I was. Her eyes popped open and she shrugged.

 _"She was a little r-rough, I begged her to be...but I'm fine. I pr-promise." S_ he said as she sucked in a lip and closed her eyes.

 _"Look at me...please?"_ My voice cracked as I held back all the emotions that were flooding me at that moment.

Ana sucked in a deep, shuddering breath and looked at me with the saddest eyes that I had ever seen.

 _"Okay...B-Britt Britt."_ she whispered as she nodded her head and stared in my eyes.

I crawled back up her body and kissed her entire face and then landed on her lips.

She moaned as I allowed my hands to proceed with the touching and the stroking. I dipped inside and she moaned as her body ground down against my fingers. I kissed her lips and then her cheeks and last I kissed the very tip of her nose as I brought her closer and closer to orgasm. She wrapped her arms around me and moaned into my ear.

 _"I love you Britt. I don't de-de-deserve this!"_ she whispered against my ear as her body quaked below me.

 _"You deserve this...you deserve the world. And I'm going to give it to you! I love you!"_ I said as I slowly entered her. She hissed and shuddered against me as she came instantly.

 _"Britt!"_ She growled and held me close. _"I'm all y-yours, B...fuck...thank you."_ I stroked her to another orgasm and she began rambling out sweet words.

 _"Always and only you, Ana and I know that I'm all yours...all you need. I'm all you want. It never happened. Okay? You're mine."_ I said as I rammed in her and her body lifted from the bed.

 _"I'm yours...always...always! Oh God! Yes! I'm cumm...ugh! Yes! I'm yours, I'm yours, I'm yours!"_ she chanted and every time she said the words, the anger that had been growing inside of me ever since I realized what happened between her and Quinn disappeared.

She loves me.

I love her.

Fuck the world.

That's all that matters.

* * *

She curled up against me, her body still shaking as she came down from her orgasam.

 _"B?"_ She whispered against my shoulder.

 _"Hmm?"_ I was trailing my fingers along her arm and dropping lazy kisses on the top of her head.

_"Do you r-remember your promise to me about the k-kids?"_

The tears were almost immediate but I blinked them back...the last thing I wanted was to take the kids away from her.

_"Yeah."_

_"Keep that promise."_ She said.

_"Okay but like when...should I be kicking you out? Like today? Or am I sending them off with Sandra?"_

_"No. Sh-She can't take them right now."_

_"Then what should I do?"_

_"I need to go to re-rehab and I can't come back until I'm b-better."_

_"Don't you have to talk to the judge though? You're still on house arrest."_

She slapped her forehead and then looked down at her ankle.

_"Shit."_

_"What?"_

_"I gotta call Mami."_

_"Oh, she is not going to be happy about this."_

She pulled away from me and sat up, her body was shaking as she looked at me. I sat up and watched as she looked at me...her eyes full of tears.

_"Y-You need to give me consequences. I c-can't...WE c-can't just ch-chalk this up to my addiction or de-depression. I need more than that."_

And I got it...the way Marco had wormed his way under her skin...the way that Quinn was trying to help her.

 _"It's hard for me to be tough with you...is that why you went to her?"_ She dropped her eyes and shrugged. _"Santana...please?"_

She looked at me again and nodded. _"Yes."_

 _"So you need me to be tough, I can be tough but you won't like it."_ I tried to give her an out.

_"Good. That's what I need."_

_"Okay. I will be tougher, the first thing I need from you is for you to stop breastfeeding the baby. For good."_

Her chin wobbled as she wrapped her arms around her naked boobs, she dropped her head and nodded.

_"Okay."_

I reached forward and tipped up her chin until she was looking at me again.

_"Eyes on me, okay?"_

She nodded, her eyes on mine as the tears came.

_"Okay."_

_"Also, I think sending Izzy with your sister for a little while will be helpful. His breathing is better when he's at her place, she already offered...it will be good for him to be around Tito and the other boys...just for a little bit."_

_"Okay."_ She squeaked.

 _"Is this too much to ask of you?"_ I asked, wiping her tears with my thumbs. _"Be honest."_

 _"No, B. It's perfect."_ She wiped her face again and then tried to smiled at me, _"C-Can I have you now?"_

And I felt sick to my stomach...I needed time after everything and I had to be honest with her.

_"No. I'm not ready for that...okay."_

She took a deep breath.

 _"And there's the con-consequence."_ She covered her face with her hands and cried. This time I didn't ask her if it was too much because, it wasn't about her in that moment. It was about me, protecting myself and putting myself first.

I wouldn't apologize for that but I did pull her against me and let her cry until she seemed to have nothing left.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I had asked for consequences and now had to accept them. She honestly, was being nicer than I would have been, that's for sure.

 _"Let's get showered...okay?"_ she whispered as she looked at me. I nodded and took her hand as she stood from the bed.

When my feet hit the floor, I was insanely glad that she was holding my hand because I had a headrush that nearly knocked me over.

My body was aching and my feet stung so much I had to sit back down. I let go of Britt's hand and sat down on the edge of the bed, raising my foot onto my lap so that I could get a better look at it.

 _"What the fuck?"_ I whispered as I saw a shard of glass sticking from my heel. I threw my head back in frustration and felt the hot tears stream down my face. I had really gone off the edge the night before and now that I was more lucid, I was starting to feel all the pain that I had managed to block out.

_"Let me get that for you."_

Britt knelt down in front of me, still in the same clothes that she had been wearing the day before when we kissed on the stairs. The same clothes she was wearing before I systematically ruined our lives. Dark circles were under her eyes.

Had she slept?

Why had I put her through this?

Because I was feeling lonely.

Because I just needed comfort and she wasn't there.

Why had I done it? How had Quinn happened?

Because I was a fuck up.

All I knew was that this was the last straw. Getting high again had scared me beyond measure. Things were going to have to change, I was way too scared of the alternative.

* * *

I bit into my palm as Britt sat in front of me with tweezers and a bottle of peroxide.

Apparently, I had more than one piece of glass embedded in both of my feet. I felt like such a punk as she pulled out each piece and laid them on a tissue.

How had I managed that?

_"Ari told me that you walked right through a pile of glass on your way to the bathroom last night. She cleaned it up before I saw it so I completely forgot to check your feet."_

_"Wow...so I did this b-before getting high?"_ I looked at her in disbelief but she bit her lip and nodded her head as she pulled another piece from my foot. _"Fuck."_ I moaned when I saw the size of one shard. _"I'm so s-sorry, B. For all of this!"_

 _"Hush, will you!"_ she scolded as she poured the peroxide onto a cotton ball. _"I forgive you Ana. I meant that...we talked, I get what happened and now it's time for you to let me help you. Let's just deal with one thing at a time. Okay?"_

 _"Okay. I'm sor-"_ She cut me off with a look then grinned.

 _"Okay...I got them all!"_ she said cheerfully as she brought one foot and then the other to her lips and kissed them. _"Can you stand or should I carry you to the shower?"_

 _"Um...I think I can w-walk."_ She stood to her feet again but this time didn't offer me her hand, instead she began to strip off her clothes while watching me with squinted eyes.

It's like she was challenging my stubborn need to do EVERYTHING on my own.

 _"Well...get up...I want to see if you can do it."_ she said as she slid her panties down to the floor.

She was definitely testing me.

I rolled my eyes and then just held both my hands out to her.

 _"Okay...fine...my feet hu-hurt like a bitch...would you mind carrying me?"_ she smirked at me.

I had passed her test.

This was about letting her take care of me, so that I could better take care of myself.

* * *

My feet were so sore as I stood in the shower trying to rest on my tiptoes as much as possible. Thankfully, it was eased by Britt letting me rest against her while she washed my body from head to foot. As I looked down, I noticed that there was blood leaking onto the shower floor.

 _"Is that fresh blood?"_ Britt said as she looked to where my eyes had fallen.

 _"Yeah."_ I said as I continued to look down.

 _"Look at me."_ she said softly as she gripped my hips. The moment that we were eye to eye, I watched her face scrunch up.

 _"What?"_ I asked as she examined me.

_"It's your nose. How much was in that bag?"_

_"It was a speedball pl-plus the extra coke."_ Her face fell and I felt awful about it.

_"What's a speedball?"_

_"It's a mix of cocaine and he-heroin."_ I dropped my head and l tried to hide my eyes from her. _"I was in a bad pl-place."_

_"Did the meeting not help you?"_

_"I was already too f-far gone."_

I watched the love of my life and wanted to punch myself in the face as her face crumbled. This bit of news somehow was worse than me cheating. I wanted to look away but I couldn't...I watched in weird fascination as she cried.

There was no hiding from this, I needed to see this as another consequence for my actions.

I went to apologize...to say anything to make her tears dry up but she shook her head as she brought her damp hand to my face and wiped away the blood that I could now feel leaking down my face. I sucked in a breath as her lips came crashing straight down against my lips. I knew that my nose was still bleeding but she wasn't going to stop the kiss.

She gripped the back of my head and held me in place as she licked and nipped at my lips.

I melted against her as my back met the wall.

* * *

Before I knew it her hand was making its way between us and she was pressing inside of me. I bit down hard on her lip and she began to go faster.

Fucking me and giving me the ache that I needed.

She pulled her face away and I could see my blood on her face and it made me want to scream. I reached up to touch her face but she turned it from me and began to go faster and harder. My body was moving with her as I came again for the fourth time that morning.

I rested my face against her shoulder and allowed more tears to stream down my face.

She stayed inside of me and waited for me to finish my crying before she decided to move. I stood there looking at her face and allowed myself to feel her as she slowly started to move inside of me.

 _"You know what you need to do right?"_ she whispered as she continued to make my whole body quake.

This was the way she wanted to talk...and I would oblige her. It was the least that I could do.

 _"Re-Rehab."_ I said quietly, admitting that earned me a flick to my clit. I gasped out and dropped my head to her shoulder again.

 _"Look at me."_ I looked in her eyes and then she spoke again. _"What else?"_

 _"I need to tell M-Mami and the judge what I did."_ I moaned as almost immediately she began to move my clit with her other hand. I leaned my head back against the wall and came once again. _"Oh God...B!"_ I moaned.

 _"Anything else?"_ she whispered against my ear before pulling it between her teeth and sucking hard on it.

_"Yes! I ne-need to become a better wife and mom! I ne-need to be grateful for my blessings...fuck! I ne-need to honor my vows! Oh God! No more drugs! Unh!"_

With every promise she was going harder as she held me against the wall with her body. My head was thrown back as she sucked on my collarbone and gave one final thrust of her hand.

Fireworks exploded behind my eyes and the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders.

I looked her in the eyes and felt relief fill me when she smiled with that huge grin of hers and then winked at me.

_"And I promise you that I will stand beside you every step of the way."_

_"Yea?"_ I knew the answer but my insecurities wouldn't let me believe that she meant what she said.

She flicked my clit a few more times and kissed my mouth again.

This was her answer.

She was here now...even with everything that happened the night before.

So of course she would be there as I tried to get my life together, once and for all!

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

After taking care of her nose and making sure that she was squeaky clean inside and out, I left her in the shower while I grabbed us two fluffy towels and then headed back to the bathroom.

I froze when I saw her in front of the sink gazing down at half of a line of cocaine still sitting there. I didn't move as I watched her hands twitch.

She didn't know I was watching...I could tell by the way she stared at the little crystals.

My heart leapt when she brought her hand to the faucet and turned on the water. She hesitated one more second before sighing deeply and brushing the drugs into the sink. She cupped water in her hand and poured it on the edge of the sink and rinsed off anything that could have been left.

I wiped the tears from my eyes and walked forward, she was serious about this, seeing that had broken down the wall that Frankie had helped me build. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her against me. She looked up at my reflection in the mirror and gave me a lopsided grin.

 _"How long were you st-standing there?"_ She mumbled as she wrapped her hands around mine.

 _"Long enough to see just how serious you are about getting better."_ I kissed the side of her face then wrapped the towel around her body. _"Now let's get a move on. We need to face the day."_

 _"I was af-afraid that you would say that."_ she whispered as she turned to face me. She smiled up at me and then hugged me.

_"Be bold, my love bug, it's the thing that I love about you the most. How brave you are."_

_"With you beside me...I know that I can make it th-through anything. You make me br-brave."_

_"Sounds like song lyrics. You should write a song like that."_

_"Maybe I will."_ I kissed her face and she smirked, _"Thank you for loving me even when I don't des-"_ I put a finger to her lips and kissed her forehead.

 _"You deserve the world...I'm not going to say it again."_ I warned.

She looked at me with open, bright eyes and nodded with a slanted smirk on her face.

_"Th-Thanks, B."_

* * *

Dani was screaming through the monitor as we entered the bedroom and from what I could tell, Izzy wasn't doing much better. He kept whimpering for us and his Dama. The baby though was wailing louder than Izzy's cries. I watched as Ana's faced dropped as she listened and then looked down at her chest.

 _"At l-least, I pumped yesterday."_ she mumbled as she sat on the edge of the bed looking defeated but determined. _"Why didn't I th-think about my breast milk before snorting?"_

 _"I'll get her, you get dressed and don't lock this door...okay?"_ I said as I quickly threw on a shirt and my favorite red lady boxers. I wanted her to understand that I was there for her but I needed her to understand that the trust between us had been tested and I was nervous about the harm that she could still cause herself.

She seemed to understand because she simply nodded and walked into the closet to get dressed. When I stepped into the hall, I ran straight into Quinn who was making her way towards the stairs with tears in her eyes. When she saw me, she threw her hands up and looked me straight in the eye.

_"I'm leaving. I'm going to go stay with Puck for a few days. Okay?"_

I nodded and walked into the nursery. Izzy was standing against the bars of his crib looking over at his crying sister.

 _"Mama...baby...cryie!"_ Izzy said as he pointed his finger towards Dani.

 _"Thank you Izzy."_ I said as I picked up Dani. She immediately began sucking on my face as I held her in my arms. She was hungry and from what I could tell insanely wet.

How long had she been crying?

It wasn't lost on me, just how much not having Quinn around was going to suck. Never did we have to ask for her to step in, it's just what she did unlike the sisters, who were still here and hadn't stepped up to help at all.

And this is why I couldn't completely cut Q.

We just needed some boundaries...thank God for Ari catching me before I unleashed fury on Quinn.

* * *

I laid Dani on the changing table and inspected her newly forming diaper rash. No wonder she was crying so hard. She was in pain.

Once I had her all clean and in a new diaper, Dani calmed down although she was still whining. Izzy was bouncing on his little feet humming the Elmo song as he watched me take care of the baby.

 _"All better."_ I said to Dani as I kissed her cheeks.

 _"Beyer!"_ Izzy tried to mimic me and it made me laugh.

 _"Can I help?"_ I heard my wife's voice and was shocked to see that she was dressed and standing there with a bottle of milk and a burping cloth. Izzy looked at her and screeched.

 _"Mami...up?"_ Ana looked at him and then at me, waiting for some direction because she felt unsure of whether I was actually going to honor my promise. I could tell that she didn't really trust herself at the moment. So I sat in the glider with Dani and held a hand out for the bottle.

 _"Why don't you get him washed and dressed while I feed Dani...okay?"_ I said as she put the bottle in my hand.

 _"Okay, B. Th-Thank you."_ she said with a small smile as she picked up Izzy from his crib and spun him around slowly. I could see the pain in her face as her heels met the cold, hard wood of the floor.

 _"Mami!"_ Izzy laughed as he screeched. I mock glared at them when the baby jumped and Ana nodded in understanding.

She pressed a finger to her lips and Izzy did the same. He nodded and then rested his head on Ana's shoulder as she walked with him towards the bathroom.

 _"I love you, Papa."_ she whispered.

 _"Wuv you, Mami."_ he said as they left the room.

We would get back to us...one way or another.

It was just gonna take a little bit of time and a lot of trust.


	47. Don't Cry For Me (Jason Derulo)

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Being able to feed Dani in that moment, felt good. Normally she's attached to Ana's chest but that era was finished.

There was knock on the open door and I glanced over to see Ari, her curls looking wild and her skin a little brighter even though it couldn't have been more than two hours since I tucked her in.

 _"Hey."_ She was grinning. _"How'd things go...where's Izzy?"_

I nodded toward the open bathroom door, where my wife was knelt in front of the tub singing to Izzy.

She smiled and then came closer to me.

_"Why aren't you sleeping?"_

_"I am listed as Moncho's next of kin...I need to go collect his belongings."_

_"Does that also mean his ashes?"_ I whispered as I glanced towards the bathroom. Ana was too fragile for all of this.

 _"No...um...I told them to toss them."_ She looked guilty.

And then I heard footsteps come into the room and stop short.

 _"Hey."_ Ana said as she carried Izzy all bundled up in a robe. She brushed her fingers over the baby's head and then moved over to the changing table. I watched as she talked quietly to Izzy like we weren't in the room.

_"Anyway, I'm going to head out. Do you mind if I come back tonight? It's weirder and more obvious that NYU wants me out since I am not a student this semester, but you know Cancer makes people do odd things."_

_"Well a room just opened up."_ Ana said coldly, still not turning away from Izzy as she spread lotion on him.

 _"Santana."_ I said her name and she went stiff. I knew what she was doing. Ari had seen her in a vulnerable state so she was going to do her usual, claws out and walls up thing that I hated. _"Ari is supposed to be healing, I offered for her to stay before I came home to...well...everything. She can stay if she needs to."_

 _"You hear that P-Papa, no one asked y-you did they? It's not like it's y-your house."_ She said all sweet and cute but the words were cutting. She shook her head then Ari was looking at me in confusion.

 _"You can stay, Ari."_ I said and then went back to focusing on the baby, while still keeping an eye out on my wife.

 _"Anita...don't be like this. I still love you, I don't see you any different."_ Ari said as she walked closer. She touched Ana's arm and she yanked it away.

 _"Don't."_ She said, her voice low. _"M-Moncho loved you. You had no r-right."_

She'd heard about the tossing of the ashes.

 _"It was a joke."_ Ari said. _"Maybe in poor taste since you and Dani are right here but...I was just joking."_

Ana looked at her coldly and then looked at me with tears in her eyes, then she took a deep breath and went back to getting Izzy dressed.

Her body shook and her sniffles sounded harsh.

Ari looked so apologetic but didn't say anything else, instead she gave me a small smile before leaving.

Izzy was just staring at it all and then his eyes met mine.

He was scared.

Yeah, I had to keep my promise.

She was probably still coming down from everything.

How could I think we could go back to something close to what we had?

It was going to take time.

* * *

With his hard night and Dani waking him up, I wasn't surprised that Izzy curled right up after he got dressed and clutched his Elmo.

 _"Nigh Nigh."_ He said to Ana and she actually looked disappointed that her buddy wasn't going to be able to hang.

 _"What time did he go to sl-sleep?"_ Ana asked me as he curled up in her arms and closed his eyes.

_"Told you, Quinn was in here awake with him all night. Let him sleep. I'm not working today and if he's tired just put him down."_

_"He has a ro-routine."_ She stressed.

_"Well no one is going to be following their routine today, thanks to the last few hours. You probably got the most sleep in the whole house."_

I shouldn't have snapped but her treatment of Ari had rubbed me the wrong way.

She kissed his face and then tucked him into his crib with Elmo flashing light machine.

He smiled as he closed his eyes and then stuck his thumb in his mouth.

She went to reach for it but I was standing over her at that point, I pulled her hand away.

_"Leave him be, baby. He needs the comfort."_

_"But his te-teeth."_

_"Can be fixed. Let's go have breakfast."_

_"Okay, B. Sorry."_

She looked like she wanted to cry. I knew that look, she was feeling out of control with everything and it was the kind of the thing that could send her over the edge, so I decided to compromise.

_"Why don't you take the chair lift down and hold the baby?"_

I watched her perk up, she'd yet to be able to really do anything with Dani yet.

She nodded and then walked ahead of me to the chair lift.

It was like watching a kid on Christmas, when I put the baby in her arms.

And like I expected, the baby could smell her milk and was pressing her face against Ana's shirt, trying to get more milk.

By the time we got to the bottom of the steps, Dani was sucking on Ana's face and the shirt Ana was wearing had wet spots where her nipples were.

Not letting her breastfeed was going to be hard for the both of them but this was for the best.

* * *

After wrapping Ana up in my sweater and settling her in the breakfast nook with the baby in her arms, she seemed to be in better spirits. I turned on the music and began making pancakes while she whispered to the baby. Every time I glanced over, she looked happier and happier.

She even got the baby to laugh and it made my heart even warmer.

 _"Can you handle coffee, baby?"_ I asked her as I put her favorite mug in the machine. She smiled at me and nodded.

_"Please, B."_

_"You got it. How are your boobs?"_

_"Sore. I th-think I'll have to pump and d-dump."_

_"After you eat, I'll get your machine."_

_"Th-Thanks."_

The peace was good while it lasted.

As I was serving her breakfast, the kitchen door pushed open and in walked all three of her sisters. Each one looking a different level of pissed or concerned.

Thankfully, I had made a mountain of pancakes. I served myself and then slid next to Ana who had shifted the baby to her right arm, so she could eat but she seemed to be having trouble.

 _"Ask."_ I said to her quietly, while we were still alone in the nook.

 _"Cut them for me?"_ She asked because she obviously wasn't going to let go of the baby. Which I understood. She was feeling like a shitty mother and needed the validation that she was at least still good enough to hold Dani.

So while everyone got settled, I cut up Ana's pancakes for her and then pushed her plate back to her. When she looked at me, I could see pride mixed with a little bit of shame but she still nodded.

_"Thanks."_

I was nervous that she'd spiral into something she could control, her food consumption but she ate slowly, not playing with her food at all. She looked more confident than ever as her sisters sat across from us.

 _"Sorry about l-last night."_ She said to Mari and then she leaned over and kissed Dani's head before continuing to eat. Her sisters were watching her and it was getting annoying. I had scarfed down my food, just so I could take the baby from her. I was convinced that she hadn't really eaten the day before and the drugs that were going to make her sicker if she didn't eat.

 _"Baby let me have her, so you can eat and talk to your sisters."_ I could tell that Ana wanted to argue with me but right now, she didn't want to piss me off, so she kissed the baby a little more before handing her to me. Then I stared at her until she began to eat again. I leaned in against her ear and spoke just loud enough for her to hear me. _"You're doing great, baby. Be brave."_

She blushed and nodded. Then she sighed before talking to her sisters again. _"I'm going to petition the co-court to let me go to rehab today. I'm gonna call Ma-Mami soon."_ she said strongly.

Celia chuckled.

_"Oh no need to call your mom, I called her already and told her everything. She'll be here soon."_

Ana's face dropped but then, how could she not expect Celia to retaliate in some way.

Then like she was summoned, the kitchen door swung open and in walked Gladys, her face looking somber like my mom's did after Court died.

I got up then, feeling like maybe I needed to let her family actually step up for once.

 _"Bendicion, Gladys."_ I said to her and she looked at me in surprise. Yes, I had been paying attention...and maybe I was trying to get on her good side.

Ana going to rehab would not be how it was when she was in the hospital.

No one was going to cut me out of things this time.

 _"Que Dios te bendiga, Brittany."_ She kissed my cheek and then leaned in and kissed the baby. _"Hola, mi nieta."_ She whispered.

_"I made pancakes and bacon, did you eat yet? Can I get you anything."_

_"Cafe would be great, Brittany. I ate already. Thank you."_

_"Coming right up, would you mind holding her?"_ I asked and she happily took the baby.

I could see the hurt on Ana's face but I just gave her a quick smile while I made her mother some coffee.

We were going to get through this hurtful period, it really was just about her sticking to her word and getting better.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

As I looked at the anger in my sister's eyes, I knew that Celia knew. Telling me that she called Mami, just seconds before she showed up was a boss move. She was playing chess and I was playing checkers.

I got that, yesterday she had fucked up when she said what she said but I had done her one better. I had taken the girl that she loved and fucked her, I was coherent...maybe sad but I was definitely VERY aware of what I was doing. I just didn't care to stop.

Quinn would always love me, would always bend to me...that was clear. Love or not, Quinn belonged to me first.

I would always be her first and there was nothing that Ceily or Britt could do about it. It was easy for me to be vindictive but fucking Quinn had been enough.

She looked like she wanted to explode and embarrass me but I could play chess too. You want to snitch on me to Mami...I can do better. I turned towards my mother as she sat down next to me with the baby and told on myself.

_"I had sex with Q, yesterday. I al-also spent $1000 on dr-drugs. I w-went off the deep end and I need to co-course correct."_

Mami nodded and then wrapped her arm around me, kissing my cheek before pulling away and accepting coffee from Britt.

When I looked Ceily in the eyes, her lips were screwed up as she stabbed a pancake and just nodded her head.

 _"You told us while you were out of it last night, Ana."_ Sandra informed me and I rolled my eyes. Of course I would find a way to rub it in Ceily's face. as she squeezed my hand.

"Did dump her?" I asked my sister and she shrugged.

_"Why you want swoop in, get yourself a second wife...or with Ari around...third? Can't help being the center of attention, baby sis?"_

_"No. Just w-want to make sure my b-best friend is okay."_

_"Of course she's not okay, Santana. Even while I was ending things, she was on the floor of the nursery, bags under her eyes taking care of YOUR kid. She's a fucking saint and I don't blame her for any of it. I blame you, because you are vindictive and abusive just like Papi."_

I felt like I'd been slapped.

 _"Fuck you."_ I said to her.

 _"Is that your answer for everything?"_ She asked and then she looked over at Mami. _"I'm sorry for my language, Ma. This hurts. We just lost Brenda and now this, I was going to propose."_ She was looking at me again. _"I had it all planned out. I was going to ask her to marry me and now you've ruined it. Are you happy?"_

 _"No."_ I said, feeling the tears welling up. I was so used to fucking up and my sisters just banding around me, so to see one of them hurting because of something I did...regardless of what she had said...well that shit hurt. _"I am miserable. I'm sad. It's t-taking everything in me to stay alive."_

Sandra looked torn between us.

Mari looked like she was ready to escape.

But Britt, who had been off to the side stepped up.

_"Baby, if you're finished it might be a good time to pump...your shirt is wet."_

I looked down and sure enough, there was a flood of milk leaking through her sweater.

 _"Shit. Okay...um...yes."_ I said, wrapping my arms around my chest to try and slow the leak. I looked at my sister. _"I messed up. I'm sorry. J-Just...be mad at me, not her. Pl-Please?"_

_"I don't know...I just think I need time away from all of you. I already have my flight booked...I know everyone is going to band together and be team Santana but I'm sitting this one out because you are NOT the only one going through shit."_

Celia stormed from the kitchen and I broke against Mami's shoulder.

Weeping, like a baby for everyone to see.

Fuck it.

* * *

Mari followed after Celia to do what, I don't know but I didn't blame her. Someone should be there for my sister, obviously she was in her feelings just as bad as I was and we could be of no help to each other.

Sandra though...and Mami...watching as I hooked up the pump before talking to me...seemed ready to address all the elephants in the room.

 _"Talk."_ I said to them, hoping it would keep them from staring.

 _"Actually, can I cut in."_ B said and Mami looked surprised that Britt was inserting herself. I was proud of her. It's about time.

 _"Sure, mi'ja."_ Mami said to her and Britt blushed, she was definitely making some strides with Mami.

_Good!_

_"A while back, Ana asked me to take the kids away from her if she got this bad." Mami's face dropped and Sandra was now fully staring Britt down. "Instead, I was hoping that you, Sandra, could take Izzy for a little while...at least until everything is figured out with rehab and court. It's gonna be hard for me to take care of both kids on my own...especially with Quinn moving out."_

_"Oh, well yeah, I'll take Isaac. Tito would love that. There's two much bigger boys in the house right now so, another little guy his size will be amazing."_

_"Thanks, sis."_ I said to her, because I needed her to know that Britt and I were on the same page.

Britt smiled at me and then she glanced at the baby.

_"As for Dani, I'm just going to have her with me like I did with Izzy. Most of what I do is paperwork during the day and directing. I asked Ana to stop breastfeeding. She's had way too many drugs in her system with Xanax and anti-seizure medicine, and now coke and heroin. I mean, if after a week in rehab, her system is clean...I would consider changing my mind...I will need some help from time to time though. Would either of you mind?"_

Mami nodded.

_"If it's not noticeable, I'm in the process of making the move to New York. Everyone else is here and I feel like I need to be too. I will help in anyway that I can. As for the milk goes, I think you are on the right track, Brittany. I've been anxious about the breastfeeding from the beginning and I think it would be good to have it tested to ease your mind once she's in rehab."_

_"What do you think about that, sis?"_ Sandra asked me.

_"I d-don't want to stop. So if going to re-rehab means I still can provide for her...I'll do it."_

Once everything was out on the table, Mami slid her phone towards me.

 _"You need to call the judge and be transparent."_ Mami said.

_"Okay."_

* * *

_"Judge Acevedo? This is S-Santana Lopez."_ I had been leery about calling the judge myself, but it felt necessary for me to do this myself and not depend on my mother or anyone else to do it for me. That being said, it was great to have my mother, my sister, and Brittany there with me while I did it.

I put the phone on speaker and placed it in the center of the table. I had fucked up majorly and I needed to redeem myself. I needed to get clean, it was good to be transparent in this moment.

My children were counting on me and I couldn't let them down anymore than I already had.

_"Ms. Lopez...how may I help you?"_

_"I v-violated my house arrest. I needed to tell you about it and was ho-hoping that you would hear me out be-before sending me back to jail."_ I said as I bounced my knee.

_"Is that right? Can you come in and see me?"_

_"Wi-With all do respect your honor, I feel th-that if I leave your office in handcuffs without being able to prop-properly say goodbye to my children...I think that I might br-break."_ I admitted.

There was a pregnant pause as I waited anxiously for her to come down on me for being too forward.

_"Okay...I'm in a good mood. I'll allow you to talk to me over the phone...but please note that I am recording this conversation."_

_"Alright and for y-your record, my attorney is listening."_

_"Good. Hello, Gladys."_

_"Hello, your honor."_

_"State your name for the record."_

_"Santana Gladys Lopez."_

_"Tell me what happened?"_ she sounded like she was being as patient as possible.

_"I vio-violated the guidelines of my house arrest by pur-purchasing and u-using a mixture of cocaine and heroin last night. I nearly o-overdosed."_

_"And you're aware of the weight of this admission?"_

_"Yes ma'am. I really would like to en-enter rehab...inpatient in lieu of go-going to jail. I want to clean up my life and I don't think ja-jail is going to be enough."_

_"Mrs. Lopez, I expect to see you in judge's chambers with your lawyer in two hours time or I will send a vehicle to pick you up. Do you understand?"_

_"Yes, your honor."_

_"Oh and Mrs. Lopez?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Make s-sure you say goodbye to your children."_

My heart clenched.

_"Okay. Th-Thank you."_

* * *

I read my son a story while he got another treatment and knew that it wouldn't be long before he was back in the hospital.

Even if the mold tests came back negative, there just seemed to be something about this house that set him off.

 _"B?"_ I called out to her as she packed up Isaac's stuff for his stay at Sandra's.

_"Yeah?"_

_"I think w-we need to move. Wh-Whenever I get back."_

_"How can you even think about that right now?"_

_"I will always be con-concerned about the kids."_

She sighed and then came over to us, dropping to a crouch so we were eye to eye.

_"I know that you love them, baby. You're human and you are going to make mistakes. It's okay if you focus on yourself for a while. If you still want to move down the line, we can...I was thinking though it would be good to move them to your office. It's drier in there and might help him."_

I felt relieved that she was thinking about this too.

_"Yeah, that might help."_

_"Okay. Sandra has to get home soon, so give him your kisses so we don't hold her up."_

_"Right."_ I closed the book and took the mask off of his face. He looked at me, his eyes glazed over. I hated how high he looked after and I hoped this was as high as he ever got. It would break me to know that either of my children had ended up like me.

It's why I needed to stop now, while they were too young to remember me being addicted.

 _"Mami."_ He whispered, touching my face. _"B...Beso?"_ He said.

And I grinned because I had been correcting that ki ki thing low key this whole time and now he was saying it right.

I leaned in and kissed his face, over and over until he was giggling. His lungs were still working, I didn't want to get him too excited.

 _"I love you."_ I said to him and he smiled.

 _"Wuv you, Mami."_ I kissed him again.

I was doing my best to not cry, that's not how I wanted him to remember me. So I smiled and I was as silly as I could be right up until the moment that Sandra was walking out the door with him.

 _"Call me, let me know how it goes?"_ Sandra asked as she held me in a tight hug.

_"One of us w-will."_

_"Good luck, sis and no worries, Izzy is in great hands."_

_"I know."_ I kissed her cheek and then stood at the door, watching as she loaded him in the car and then left.

It was hard to grapple with the fact that, watching my son leave might be the last time I saw him for a long while.

Addiction sucked.

I needed to kick it.

At least Daniela, would be coming with us to see the judge because saying goodbye to her was going to be nearly impossible.

Britt held my hand as we sat in the backseat of my mom's car. She was drilling me about what to say to the judge and how to be humble. We'd be going to her office instead of a courtroom, which did not mean it still wasn't serious business.

I rested my head on Britt's shoulder as she wrapped her arm around me and held me as I tried to be strong.

This was huge for me.

I had an addiction and it was getting in the way of my goals, my family, and my future.

Things had to change.

It all seemed like the biggest travesty in the world but I knew that I would make it through.

As we walked into the judge's chambers late that morning, I was settled in my decision and didn't feel like there was any other way.

This was what I needed and what I wanted.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I have never been prouder of my wife than the moment that she sat in front of the judge and admitted to not only using but being an addict.

Gladys had told us that with Marco's death the case would probably be thrown out but as someone who likes to lean into the law more often than not, she told Ana to just be honest.

So I handed her Dani, knowing that having a little reminder in her arms would keep her honest.

And I was right.

Her full honesty was a long time coming and every bit as satisfying as it could have been because this meant that she was actually going to get help that would force her to be accountable to more than just me.

It took me nearly killing Ana to get some help for my issues with my meds and I never wished that for my wife but sometimes we have to go through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff.

Things were definitely about to change and I was so excited that there would be something good to come out of this.

I was hopeful that, once all of this was over, we would REALLY be able to move on and put this in the past.

It's wasn't going to be easy but the good stuff in life never is, right?

She held hands with Gladys like she was a little girl all over again and thankfully her mother didn't reject her.

I tried to keep a smile on my face as we sat waiting for the judge to come to a decision. She left us in her office while she made a phone call and Ana just kissed the baby and held tight to her mom's hand.

My nervous energy kept me pacing by the window, trying to figure out how I would go on without my wife...and how I would be a single mom to kids who didn't look like me.

It wasn't a worry that I had ever had before...everyone in Lima knew us but this was New York. I closed my eyes and I prayed, trying to lean on the faith that I was still learning to have.

And then, when I felt like all hope was lost, I opened my eyes and Ana was smiling at me.

 _"I love you."_ She said. " _Always you, B."_ she whispered. I noticed that she dropped the 'only' from that statement and in that moment it felt more real. I wasn't her only, I never had been but to know that even after people came in went, she always came to me...that meant something more.

Something better.

Honesty looked good on her. I smiled back, hoping to reassure her the best that I could.

The judge entered her office with a bailiff and the prosecutor. Ana tensed up but didn't cry.

_"Mrs. Lopez. I have spoken with the prosecutor and Mr. Vega's lawyer. I have gone over the very small amount of evidence that we have on you. Frankly these charges wouldn't stand a trial so the previous charges have been dropped."_

Ana sighed and nodded.

 _"Thank you."_ she said respectfully.

_"I have two choices here. I can let you go since your case is null and void."_

Ana shook her head and it surprised me.

_"And?"_

_"I can acknowledge that, you still violated court ordered house arrest. Given the honesty that you have shown today, I feel inclined to send you into a program that could set you back on the right path. Would you like to discuss your options with you attorney?"_

She looked to me and then to her mom, before straightening up her back. She chanced one last glance at Dani and then she spoke.

_"Your honor, I n-need help. I also need ac-countability."_

Consequences. I remembered her saying.

_"Well then, Mrs. Lopez, I am sentencing you to 120 days of rehab and parental counseling at a center that is assigned by the court. You have twenty four hours to report to the center at which time, your sentence will begin. This is in lieu of a one year jail sentence for violating your house arrest. If at anytime you chose to leave the facility prior to the 120 days you will be remanded to custody to serve out the rest of your sentence at Rikers. Understand?"_

_"Yes, your honor."_

_"During the first 90 days you are not to have any outside visitors without express consent of the court. You will submit to random drug testing and if you are found under the influence, you will be remanded to custody. You will remain on the ankle monitoring device until your sentence has commenced. Do you understand your sentence?"_

_"Yes, your honor."_ she sat there looking at the judge with a blank face and a gave a brief nod.

_"Good. I hope that you use this opportunity to get your life together and I will see you 121 days."_

_"I will, thank you so much, your honor."_

_"Good luck, Mrs. Lopez. You're dismissed."_

* * *

She had to sign some paperwork and then the bailiff did something to her anklet before we were able to leave.

But before we could, the prosecutor caught up with us outside the courthouse.

 _"Can I talk to you?"_ He said to her and it was then that I noticed the tension in her shoulders and the flare of her nostrils.

 _"Do you know him?"_ I asked her as I hugged her to me.

_"Yes."_

_"Are you okay?"_

_"No...but um...you sh-should go ahead. I'll be o-okay."_

There was no way I was leaving her with this guy.

_"No."_

She pulled out of my arms and held up a finger to him.

 _"Give me a sec."_ She was gripping my arm and walking us towards her mom's car. Gladys had just finished strapping the baby in and was standing there waiting for us but then her eyes were on the prosecutor. _"Look, he and I h-have history. I have h-history with most of the lawyers in l-lower Manhattan."_

_"History how?"_

_"You know how."_ She stressed to me, not wanting to talk about this in front of her mother but I was feeling hot.

_"So you fucked him and not even 12 hours after you slept with another person, you want me to leave you alone with him?"_

She dropped my arm like it burned her and I got why, I said that I'd forgiven her but was throwing Quinn in her face. It was the wrong move but I was hurt.

Hurt people, hurt people.

_"Nanita, you have limited time before you need to be back home. You could spend this time, doing whatever you want before 7pm...and you want to stand here and talk to him?"_

_"Mami...please?"_

_"Five minutes, you let Brittany go with you and then after that, we leave."_

She sighed...and then glared at me.

_"Fine."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It's not like I set out to talk to Ricky, he approached me but Britt as acting like I was about to fuck him on the steps of the courthouse.

What kind of slut did she take me for, I preferred a bed or a shower.

I was mad but I also wasn't, really, I just wanted to not have her to think any less of me.

Those fucking colleague brunches of Marco's were still somehow worse than any other time escorting...because I didn't get paid for them and I was also the only woman in a room full of horny dudes.

Ricky only came to a few brunches and every time, he was kind to me. Did we fuck? Yes but it was never rough and he always made sure that I had an orgasm, which I cannot say for 90% of the dudes I slept with.

When I saw he was the prosecutor, I thought nothing of it. We'd only had sex four times, maybe. I didn't think I was memorable but at the same time, I was Marco's ex-wife in a part of the city that he ruled. I was standing outside of his old workplace, how could I not run into one of his colleagues.

At least, this one, was nice.

 _"Be cool, B."_ I said to her, trying to convey how not a big deal this was but she was already livid and there was nothing that I could do to squash it.

This was not how we needed to be when I only had about 24 hours of freedom left.

120 days meant that I'd miss milestones with our baby, I'd miss Isaac's first birthday, and I would miss countless family moments...with her and my kids.

Right now, that's what was on my mind.

How would I cope with being away from my life at pivotal moments and stay sober but I had chosen this.

I could have walked away but with the way that I was feeling, I knew it would only be a matter of time before I got high again.

It was going to devastate me to go through this but I was game.

Sobriety was something that I was finally ready to take serious. In a few short months, I wouldn't be a teenager anymore.

My teenage years had sucked from beginning to end and I wanted to enter my 20s, better than I had ever been.

* * *

We walked over to a bench in front of the courthouse.

Me and Ricky sat, Britt stood...hovering.

 _"What is it?"_ I asked him.

 _"This awkward, I just wanted to check on you. I know why you are here and what you did last night. The judge filled me in."_ He glanced at B and then looked me straight in the eyes. _"Even though he was a total monster to you, I know that you loved him. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay."_

_"I'm not. I j-just had the baby in Dec-December. He had w-wanted to be better for her. She has that tw-twinkle in her eyes that he had. I feel like I l-let him down. It's nuts."_

_"No it's not. It's not. I know your history, he got drunk all the time and talked only about you. Ad nauseum, Ana this, Ana that...some of it was vulgar but most of it was good. It doesn't sit right with me that he took his own life. You know, he loved himself way too much for that. I mean, sociopathic levels of self-love. We are investigating, on the low. I want to make sure that it wasn't more nefarious."_

_"L-Like murder?"_

He nodded. _"He had a lot of enemies. I'm sure you know that better than most."_

_"I do."_

_"He had a hand in Nico dying, everyone LOVED Nico. He and I were on opposite sides of the law but I loved him too. When it became common knowledge that Marco had a hand in it, with his lady right there...well...his enemies tripled. You're safe, it was smart of you to divorce him and separate yourself from him. If you ever need anything or just want to vent about him. My door is open."_

_"Thanks."_

He looked straight at B, _"And to be clear, that's in a nonsexual way. A lifetime has passed since our dealings nearly two years ago. I'm happily married and I have a baby on the way. I have the utmost respect for you standing by Santana's side. She needs it."_

Britt dropped her serious face and smiled at him.

Thank the sweet Lord.

One less hurdle.

_"Hey Ricky?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Thank you."_

_"Good luck rehab. I hope you get better once and for all."_

_"Me too."_


	48. Chapter 48: Tell Me U Luv Me (Juice Wrld feat. Trippie Red)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The abruptness of Marco's death had been weighing me down enough but to then find out that they were investigating it as a murder. Well that was tearing me apart.

Marco had raped and beaten me, gotten me hooked on drugs and coerced me into doing unspeakable things before forcing me into a marriage that I didn't want. I should hate him and on some level, I do but for him to go down like that when he was fighting demons of his own. It sucked.

I'd seen the shift in him and because I knew him better than anyone, I knew for sure that the shift had been real. He looked at Dani like she held all of his hopes and promises for a better life.

Seeing his progeny had changed him...but then he fell off the wagon...and got arrested...and now this?

Marco was many things but he was never suicidal...murder made sense.

_**Got a minute?-Santana** _

_**For you, I have a million.-Sugar** _

_**How is she?-Santana** _

_**Good. Safe.-Sugar** _

_**Am I?-Santana** _

_**Yes. I won't let anything happen to you, the kids, or your family.-Sugar** _

_**What did I do to deserve that?-Santana** _

_**You saw past my act and let me be myself.-Sugar** _

_**Oh and also, I'd miss your fine ass. ;)-Sugar** _

_**Thanks. I just left court, I'll be out of touch for awhile-Santana** _

_**I know. 120 days of rehab.-Sugar** _

_**How close are you watching?-Santana** _

_**Close enough.-Sugar** _

_**What about in there?-Santana** _

_**Yes.-Sugar** _

_**Good.-Santana** _

_**Daddy says stay clean.-Sugar** _

_**Will do.-Santana** _

_**Erase this.-Sugar** _

_**Of course.-Santana** _

* * *

_"Are you listening to me?"_ Mami asked and I looked up, realizing that we were parked outside of my house.

_"Yes?"_

_"We will get the family together tomorrow, here for lunch before I take you to rehab. I think it would be good if you and Brittany had some alone time."_

I looked at the back seat and it was empty.

_"Wh-Where is B?"_

_"You really weren't paying attention, mi'ja. Are you sober now?"_

I rolled my eyes.

_"Yes."_

_"She will be back out with the baby bag and some milk, I'm taking Daniela to Sandra's for the night."_

_"Oh."_

I sat there biting my lip as I waited for Britt to come out, the tears were all dried up thankfully. My boobs though, were leaking into the nursing pads...it was overtime for a feeding but there wasn't a chance of that.

Mami took my hand and squeezed it tight until we were looking at each other.

 _"I have good news."_ She said.

_"Okay."_

_"Your friend, Enda. Evelyn was able to get her a lighter sentence for self-defense. They are recognizing time served. She will be out in 9 months."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Th-That's great news."_

_"I'm glad you think so, mi'ja."_

Britt came back outside with Ari right behind her, a duffel bag over her shoulder.

Ari pulled open the passenger door and leaned in.

_"Hi Titi, do you think I could come?"_

_"Sure! I could use help with the kids, Sandra tends to let them loose when I'm around."  
_

_"Thanks, I want to give these two space."_ Then Ari looked at me. _"This is for you."_ She shoved a marble black box at me. Engraved on the front was Marco's name. _"I'm sorry about this morning, even I have dumb moments."_

I pulled her in for a hug, the urn between us, much like Marco always was. How fitting.

 _"Thanks."_ I said and then leaned in and kissed her cheek, lingering there for a moment and then, finally the tears came as I dropped my head to her shoulder.

Mami was rubbing my shoulder as I sobbed against Ari until the baby began to whine in the back seat.

When I pulled away, I turned to Mami, my breasts aching so bad.

_"Can I fe-feed her before you go?"_

Mami looked restless but she couldn't deny me this.

* * *

Britt unstrapped the baby and changed her diaper on the backseat before bringing her to the front and shoving a bottle into my free hand.

Daniela looked up at me with a red face and tears in her eyes. I wished that I could provide that skin to skin for her right then but it was useless.

I pressed the bottle to her lips and she glared at me as she drank, like I was giving her subpar milk.

But at least this was still breastmilk that I had pumped before everything went to shit. I had been pumping so much that she'd be able to still get my milk for a little while.

The rest of the world faded as I sang to her, trying to calm her down again.

And ten minutes later when she was all fed and looking milk drunk, Britt lifted her from my arms and burped her.

 _"Let Ari sit there."_ She said to me sternly. Had I done something wrong?

I unstrapped my seatbelt and then pulled myself onto the sidewalk. My back had been aching since Quinn had let me ride her face the day before. She'd dug her nails into my lower back and left scratches there.

The memory just made me want to hug her and tell her it was going to be okay, that she'd still get her happy ending with or without me.

And I also wanted to reassure her that her scholarship was safe, no matter what that money couldn't be touched by anyone other than me and Sal.

Britt was quick to strap the baby back in and then shut the door. She put her arm over my shoulder and we stood there watching Mami pull away.

In one day, I had sent both of my children away and I hated every second of it.

 _"If you don't get clean, this could be your future. Is that what you want?"_ Britt said coldly.

I pulled away from her and turned towards the house but her hand was like a vice around my wrist. I knew from past experience that if I pulled away it would hurt more so I just stood there looking at her.

_"No, B. I don't."_

_"Who were you texting in the car?"_

I had Marco's urn tucked under my arm and shook my head at her.

 _"D-Don't be him."_ I said and she loosened her grip enough for me to pull away. _"Just ask wi-without pain."_

I turned away again and made my way up the front steps...with her hovering just behind me.

* * *

Once we were inside, I placed Marco on one of the empty bookshelves and then made my way to the guest room to grab my rosary.

It was high time that I got my ass to the church, I needed penance and confession badly.

And I knew she'd follow but I didn't have time for that control shit right then.

My time was limited.

I shuffled through the nightstand until I found it...Ian's rosary. Green and silver, long and shiny. I lifted it and let the beads slide between my fingers as I put it over my head and tucked it under my shirt.

When I turned around, Britt was sitting on the bed waiting.

 _"Are we ok?"_ I asked her as I felt the brush of the crucifix against my stomach.

_"Why is it okay for Quinn to spank you but I so much as get a little rough and you compare me to Marco?"_

_"Is that w-what this is? You jealous?"_

She shrugged and looked at me coldly.

_"Maybe."_

_"Do you w-want to spank me?"_

_"I might."_

_"T-there are rules, B."_

_"Who made these rules?"_

_"I did. Q never did it in an-anger. You are angry."_

_"Well I'm not Quinn."_

_"Exactly."_

I went to walk past her, this time walking just out of her reach as I left the room but then I froze when I heard her sobs coming from behind me.

There's nothing I hate more than making Britt cry, that's why I turned back...we were alone and this was the last night we'd be together for months.

I couldn't shut her out...not yet.

* * *

In a perfect world, I would have gone back in there and stripped for her but I had more pressing needs and she was just going to have to understand. I made my way into the kitchen and sat in breakfast nook.

My pump was sitting there still plugged in, I stripped out of my shirt and bra, then hooked the cups up to my breasts.

The relief wasn't as immediate as I would have liked, my nipples were sore but I knew that once they milk was all out, I'd be able to think straight again.

I heard Britt's footsteps and then the door swung open. The anger on her face faded and she just sat across from me.

_"Are you hurting?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"I forget sometimes, I'm sorry."_

_"It's okay."_ I sighed.

I closed my eyes and rested my head back.

The buzzing of the machine and the sound of rain blended together as I drifted.

Maybe I had gotten the most sleep the night before but that didn't mean that my body wasn't still tired from a multitude of things.

Hormones...recovering from heart surgery...seizures...giving birth...and learning to think, walk, and remember like I'd like.

On top of that there was Abuela, Court, Brenda, and Marco all dying.

She worried about not being able to spank me, while I was worried about much more.

The machine buzzed and I jerked awake.

Britt was gone and then I heard her footsteps and saw her walking towards me with a plate and glass.

More food.

Great.

* * *

Watching Britt pour out the milk that I had worked so hard to pump brought tears to my eyes.

But I didn't want to hear her mouth, so I picked at my sandwich, tearing the crusts off angrily before biting into it without tearing it apart further like I usually did. She slid into the booth across from me with a sandwich of her own and began to pray.

I scoffed at the sight and then rolled my eyes when she looked up at me.

 _"No n-need to pretend."_ I whispered.

_"I converted and got baptized, I may not understand it all but I do very much believe now."_

_"Sure."_ I muttered before continuing to chew each bite of the sandwich about 50 times before swallowing.

Being a rexy was the last thing I wanted but I could feel it coming...the need to control anything that I could, which always meant food.

My mind and my heart were at war in that moment. My body had even joined the fight...we wanted her, to fuck her...to hear her moan and scream but at same time, I just wanted to find a way to knock her out so that I could finish what I had started.

I'd been honest. I spent $1,000 on drugs but they seemed to think that meant one bag. The one person that knew the questions to ask was exiled...Quinn would have called me out but she wasn't here.

And a big part of me wished that she was.

Right then I didn't give a fuck about Britt's feelings. She'd called me a whore...again so fuck her.

_**Hey?-San** _

I stared down at the dots popping up and then going away...over and over until finally she responded.

**_Hi, S.-Q_ **

_**I want to see you.-San** _

_**Not a good idea!-Q** _

I felt her eyes on me from across the table as she ate but I didn't care.

**_Please?-San_ **

My phone chimed then, with a video chat. That's all she was willing to give.

And when she answered, I was expecting to see my same old friend but the ghoul looking back at me was pale and her eyes were bloodshot.

 _"Does Britt know that you're talking to me?"_ She asked her voice hoarse.

I flipped the screen to Britt's hunched shoulders and as she looked at us with sad eyes.

 _"Just...we di-didn't talk after."_ I said and I swear B was going to turn purple.

_"What's there to talk about. I fucked up and crossed a line. Everyone hates me and I deserve it."_

_"I st-started it."_ I said, admitting that in front of B felt like I was stabbing her.

_"And I didn't stop you."_

Then she was examining my face and leaning in closer.

 _"Should I be worried, Santana?"_ Full name.

* * *

I was about to be honest but then Britt was snatching my phone away and staring down Quinn.

_"I know what that means now, still you are asking her that fucking question?"_

Quinn sighed.

_"Someone has to. Have you asked her...if you should be worried?"_

_"No."_

_"Ask her, B...make her fucking tell you the whole truth to that question. I need to go...I think it's best if you two don't call me anymore."_

The line ended and I held my hand out for my phone.

But B was clutching it and staring at me.

 _"The whole truth?"_ I shrugged. _"Damnit...please?"_ She whined.

I lied.

God I didn't want to but the way she was looking at me...fuck, it was so painful.

 _"Suicidal...if...I am."_ I said.

_"Are you?"_

_"No."_

She put the phone down and then wiped her tears away, _"What do you need from me? I'll do anything, Santana, please? I can't lose you."_

 _"Do you love me?"_ I asked her and she looked so confused.

_"Of course, yes. I love you."_

_"Do you re-remember the first time we were h-here?"_

_"You mean when you broke up with me and I spent days fucking you, so you'd change your mind?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Of course."_

_"Wh-When I go. I need you to go out and explore."_

_"What?!"_

_"I'm no good for you, B."_

_"Says who?"_

_"Says me."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I have never been so confused in my life. She was so back and forth, there was something that she wasn't saying and I knew that I was going to have to suck it up and call Quinn back.

Even though she said that we shouldn't talk, there was a reason that we were a trinity.

So while Ana washed the dishes, I sat there and called.

_"You know for someone who wanted me to leave your house, you can't help but call me can you?"_

_"Where are you?"_

_"I'm on campus."_

_"Can you come home?"_

_"Home?"_

_"Quinn, please...we need you."_

_"Fuck you. I'm not coming back there, Brittany."_

_"Fuck me? Really?"_

_"And this is why I'm not coming back. What is it, B, she didn't tell you the truth, did she?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"Where is she now?"_

_"Washing dishes."_

_"I'm just going to be straight with you, okay, she's got more drugs. I'm sure of it. Knowing her, she'll pick a fight or try to push you away so she can get high."_

_"But..."_ I dropped my voice because Ana was stiff. _"She got sentenced to 120 days of rehab."_

_"Even more reason for her to finish her stash. The look she had yesterday after...we...you know...is the same look that is on her face now."_

_"Are you sure, you don't want to come home?"_

_"Positive. Puck has Beth full time now. I get to see her and tuck her in, B. I get to take care of my own kid for once and I'm not passing that up to play referee. You got the girl...act like it."_

_"Okay...hey...tomorrow we are having a send-off lunch. You should come and bring Beth?"_

_"I'll think about it. What time is she leaving?"_

_"5."_

_"Okay. I'm gonna go, B. Good luck."_

* * *

_"W-Want to come to mass with me, B?"_ Ana asked as she turned around, drying her hands on a towel.

I was surprised by her words, she looked nervous. I glanced at the clock, it was only four.

_"That's in two hours."_

_"I know."_

_"What do you want to do in the meantime?"_

_"Sex?"_ She shrugged.

 _"Or you could tell me where the rest is."_ I said, not being able to hold back.

I was waiting for her to explode but she just shrugged.

_"D-Don't have anymore."_

_"You don't?"_

_"No."_ She was looking me in my eyes now, walking closer swaying her hips and trying to seduce me.

 _"Strip."_ I said to her and she hesitated. Her facade fell but she, slowly stepped out of her skirt and panties, letting them pool at her feet as she pulled her shirt back off. She wasn't wearing a bra.

 _"Anything else?"_ She asked.

_"Tell me the rules."_

She got pale.

_"Rules?"_

_"Please?"_

She pulled out a chair and I looked at her.

_"Wait...is this where she did it?"_

_"Yes."_

_"So it wasn't even part of sex?"_

_"No."_

I rubbed my temples and tried not to get mad because that wasn't going to fix anything.

_"So she spanked you in here...then time went by and you fucked in our bed?"_

_"Yes but...only one of th-those things is ch-cheating."_

_"Anytime that you are naked in front of another person and I'm not there, aside from like family and doctors, it's cheating."_

_"Oh."_

_"I can't do this. Let's just go to bed."_

_"B...please...I need this. I n-never want another woman to kn-know me more than you."_

_"Too late for that. Ari and Quinn and Carmen all know things I don't."_

_"I c-could say the same for Francis!"_ She snapped.

_"What are we doing? We should be upstairs sharing sweet lady kisses and having sex. Not fighting."_

_"Fine."_ She picked up her clothes and left me sitting there.

And as much as I wanted to follow, I didn't because she was going to do it someway, somehow and I just didn't have the energy to fight her.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I climbed the stairs butt naked, clutching my clothes as I made my way towards the one place that could make me numb.

Fuck her.

I couldn't keep making myself vulnerable only for her to snap at me.

She needed to move on.

I dug into my jacket pocket and pulled out the pure coke, I wasn't going to try that speedball shit again.

And even though I heard her on the stairs, I spilled the powder onto the glass top of the vanity.

I heard the room door open, as I used my credit card to separate just two small lines. I didn't even want to go crazy and take it all, I just needed something to take the edge off.

When I finished making the lines, I looked into the vanity mirror and there she was, standing there watching.

 _"Not gonna stop me?"_ I asked her.

_"No."_

_"No?"_

_"I'd rather see you and know you're okay then for you to wait until I'm asleep tonight."_

_"B..."_ But I had nothing to say, what could I say?

_"Just know that if you do it, this time it's me that's calling it quits. I can't let you fuck me around. So you taking that is telling me that, you love those drugs more than me."_

_"I'm sorry."_ I said and she nodded.

_"It's fine...I still want the rules. I'm not doing it where she did it but you are going to give me that part of you...today."_

My mouth went dry and the heat between my legs was becoming wetter.

The idea of Britt spanking me...well truthfully it turned me on.

I turned from her and looked down at the lines.

_"Fuck it."_

* * *

She pulled me from my chair after I snorted both lines, and turned the chair around and sat down.

 _"What next?"_ She asked and I realized what she planned to do right here...with my body buzzing.

I looked at the vanity.

_"Brush or hand."_

_"Okay, for how long?"_

_"Um...until I am y-yellow."_

_"Then what?"_

I shrugged because Q and I usually just parted ways after but I didn't want that with B.

_"You t-take care of me. Q n-never did. I w-want to be c-cared for after."_

_"Oh, okay, so maybe after we can take a bath?"_ She seemed way too excited for someone who had just watched me snort coke.

_"Yes."_

She picked up my flat back brush and patted her leg.

I went to lay over them but then she grabbed my chin and crashed her lips on mine.

Of course, my horny ass was moaning into the kiss, not wanting it to stop but then I yelped when she swatted my ass.

_"Don't distract me."_

_"S-Sorry."_

_She began slow, rubbing my ass and then dipping her fingers between my legs and tracing her fingers through my wetness._

_"Wow, baby. You get this excited for her?"_

_"Never."_

_"Good girl."_ She purred and then she warmed up my ass. I gripped her leg and buried my face against her sweatpants.

I was near tears but then she was running her fingers through my wetness again and I groaned.

 _"Fuck."_ I whimpered.

_"You're soaked now."_

_"Only for you, B."_ I whispered.

_"Color?"_

_"Green."_

And then she was back to work, slapping the brush down up and down my ass cheeks, never too hard but just enough to sting.

But then the dam broke and I was weeping.

_"Color?"_

_"Yellow."_ I whispered and then she was rubbing my ass with her hand.

_"Open your legs, baby."_

The moment my legs opened more she was burying her fingers in me, while still rubbing the sting out of my ass.

 _"Yesssss."_ I hissed as I moved my hips towards her fingers.

_"Only I get to see you like this from now on...even if we separate. Promise me."_

_"I pr-promise!"_

_"Good."_ I came hard against her leg, squirting her hand and she chuckled. Then she gave my ass a little swat. _"Bath Time."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

When I came down fully, it was in a sea of bubbles with Britt sitting outside the tub just watching me.

 _"Get in."_ I begged.

 _"How much is there?"_ She asked and I held up soapy hands, knocked off the two baggies yesterday and half of one today.

I held up my one hand with three fingers.

"Plus a half." I said, so proud of myself.

_"Is all of it coke?"_

_"No, had two sp-eedballs. Took one but I d-didn't like it. Th-Think I can get my money back?"_

_"I don't know the return policy of drugs but I'm pretty sure it's a no, baby."_

I pouted and then went back to making her rubby ducky speed around the tub while making motor boat sounds.

 _"C-Can I have more?"_ I asked her.

_"You're seriously asking me?"_

I nodded.

_"Yes."_

_"Be honest, if I say no, will you just try to find a way to get more?"_

I tilted my head and then nodded.

_"Probably."_

_"Then I guess you should finish what you started then but I'm taking the other three bags."_

_"But-"_ She held up her hand, dropping two fingers...then a third...I wiped the tears that were coming down and nodded. _"Okay."_

_"Get out and come do it now before I change my mind."_

I nearly bust my ass climbing out of the tub, then I followed behind her leaving puddles in my wake.

The fact that she was allowing me the rest was insane.

But Britt always had her reasons.

This time she stood even closer as I dried my hands before pouring out the remainder of the baggie.

I got two and a half lines out of it.

Score.

I didn't look at Britt this time but then I didn't have to, because her hand was on my sore ass squeezing.

And I snorted, as fast as I could before standing up and throwing my head back.

The headrush was instantaneous and then I felt the trickle.

I looked in the mirror and saw the blood dripping down my face.

Britt was eyeing me too.

_"Let's go finish that bath."_

I was too horny to argue.

* * *

Britt got in the tub first and then helped me in, waiting until I was sitting between her legs to wrap her arms around me.

I scooped up some water and wiped my face with it.

While I was distracted, her fingers traveled until they were pressing into me hard.

More fingers than I had been ready for.

_"Fuck!"_

_"I'm going to fuck you all night baby. I want every part of you."_

_"E-Everything?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Are we...still gonna be to-together?"_

_"No idea. You just gave me a very good reason not to."_

_"Am I g-getting the kids back?"_

_"Ask me in 120 days."_

_"Okay."_

I began to cry and she just continued to fuck me through my tears.

She kissed my neck as I came and then growled against my ear. _"I love you and it's time for you to prove that you love you too baby. When you can do that, you can come home to the kids and maybe me...I need you to be clean."_

_"Okay."_

_"Color?"_

Red. I wanted to cry out because she was breaking my heart while making it race. She was breaking me down while trying to build me up and if this is what my fucking mixed signals felt like, then I deserved every bit of it.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I'd skipped a dose and was breaking a promise to myself to never be alone with Ana while I wasn't level.

But right now, medicated Brittany would be curled up crying herself to sleep while Ana went out looking for drugs.

No, this was the person I needed to be in this moment.

I had her bent over the bed as I fucked her deep into the sheets.

 _"Yesssssss."_ She hissed when I rubbed and squeezed at her ass.

I had broken into a sweat but I just kept going, wanting her to feel me for as long as possible after this.

My body was arched over her back and I gripped her hands in mine as I pressed my hips against her ass, the strap going deeper than ever. Then I just stayed there.

_"Are you going to be sober, baby?"_

_"Yes!"_

_"You going to be the best rehab student ever?"_

_"Yes! Fuck!"_

_"Who do you belong to, Ana?"_

_"You!"_

_"Good."_

She came shuddering so hard that it looked like her legs were having a seizure and then she collapsed face first onto the bed, taking me with her.

I went to pull out but she reached back and pinched my hip.

_"Stay."_

* * *

We went until we physically couldn't go anymore.

I watched her fall asleep and then I got rid of every bit of coke before locking the closet and bathroom doors. Then I fell asleep pressed against the door, there was no way I was going to let her keep fucking up.

Yesterday was a one off.

I woke up to the sound of her whimpering.

_"Ana?"_

She was pressed huddled against the bathroom door, trying to pick the lock.

_"Gotta go."_

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the key, moving past her to unlock the door.

She moved underneath my arm and rushed to the toilet.

Her head was thrown back in ecstasy as she emptied her bladder.

I pulled out her machine and waited there for her to be done.

We brushed our teeth together and then she picked up her brush and handed it to me.

_"Again?"_

_"My hair."_ She clarified and I chuckled.

_"Right."_

I pulled the scarf off of her hair began to brush it. It was in waves as it brushed the top of her ass. She opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out the scissors.

 _"Cut it."_ She said, her eyes sober and her bottom lip being tortured between her teeth.

_"How short?"_

_"Sh-Shoulders."_

_"Ana, you've never gone that short."_

_"I need a change."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I felt deliciously sore as I fluffed the new shorter hairdo that Britt had given me.

 _"You ok, B?"_ I asked as I dumped out the milk that I had just finished pumping.

What a fucking waste.

_"You just look so beautiful. Are you up for more loving before people get here?"_

_"I missed mass l-last night. I'd like to go today."_

She looked at her watch and saw just how early it was.

_"It feels later than six."_

_"That's b-because we have a newb-born. 5am was sl-sleeping in."_

_"Okay, well now that you're done pumping lets get dressed, go to mass and then maybe grab bagel sandwiches from the cart."_

My body went stiff and my face betrayed me before I could hold it back.

I didn't feel like lying anymore.

Before she could ask I said it.

_"My d-dealer is on that c-corner."_

She nodded and then pulled me tight against her, she kissed my face and then smiled at me.

_"Thank you for telling me."_

I tucked my chin but she lifted it and then pressed her lips to mine.

My body wanted her but I really did want to go to mass.

So I pulled away.

_"Let's get r-ready."_

* * *

_"Forgive me fa-father, for I have sinned. It's b-been a w-week since my last con-confession."_

_"What troubles you my child?"_

_"Ad-Adultery."_

I bowed my head as he spoke to me, the tears were coming as I cried against the ledge. The blinking green light on my anklet visible as I knelt. He listed my penance and encouraged me to be honest with Brittany about my cheating. I wasn't going to correct him by talking more about what I had done, instead I just listened and thanked him after I had been dismissed.

There was a line when I stepped out of the pine box, Brittany was there waiting for me with her hand out.

_"Hungry?"_

I shrugged and she rolled her eyes but still took my hand and walked with me out of the church. We took our time coming down the steps and then we strolled arm in arm to the end of the block. The cart only had one person waiting.

And there he was, Trent's old crony.

He saw me and then looked at Brittany and turned away.

_"You okay? You're shaking."_

_"Yes. Let's just h-hurry."_

Britt ordered the food and then she gave me a look, I knew then she wasn't going to do what I asked.

_"Stay here."_

I nodded, knowing that nothing that I said would stop her.

She walked over to Chris and tapped his shoulder. He turned around and played it cool, his eyes flashed over to me and I dropped my gaze.

Britt handed him something and he looked down at his palm. Then I watched her towering over him, her face red and I knew then...she wasn't on her pills right now. How long had it been?

Hadn't she learned that she couldn't be with me while she was angry but seeing her take it out on Chris was satisfying. Then I watched the near impossible as he peeled money out of his pocket and handed it to her.

She counted it and then turned around, a smile on her face as she walked straight to the cart and paid for our food before coming over to me with our breakfast.

_"He gave me $500 for the rest of your drugs. I told him I'd break his fucking legs if he ever came near you again. I hope that's okay."_

_"B...you need to take your pills."_

_"I know. I will but I wanted to be able to do that without being a ditz."_

_"I can't b-believe you did that. He has a gun."_

_"I've been shot, that doesn't scare me. Besides he wasn't going to do that when I pointed out your tail over there."_ She pointed to a black car across the street and I looked over and sure enough there was an unmarked car. It didn't look like a cop though, it was probably the Motta's men but I could never be too sure.

_"Shit."_

_"Let's go inside. Eat breakfast and then I'll let you get all up on me."_

_"Meds."_ I said.

_"Right. I'll do that first."_

_"Thank you."_

_"Hey, baby, I know we are in a weird place. Technically we broke up last night when you chose drugs over me but I need you to know that I love you. I'm here for you and that won't change. Okay?"_

These fucking tears. I looked up at my wife and knew that my penance needed to be more than a few Hail Mary's it had to be total. Sober and hyper focused on her and the kids.

_"I love you."_

_"Everything is going to be okay, you'll go to rehab and I'll explore like you asked and when you're done...we will start fresh...again."_

_"For the last time. R-Right?"_

_"No, baby, we are a work in progress and we love each other. That's the only reason we keep coming back to each other. No matter what anyone says, we are endgame so we will start over as many time as it takes to get this right. I just need you to go in there and come out your very best. Do it for Izzy and Dani. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"And at the end of this week, we will get your milk tested and if it's clean you can pump for her. Okay?"_

_"Thanks, B."_

_"Just don't let us down. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_


	49. Hard to Love (Lee Brice)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life.

There's loads of stuff that I'm not incredibly proud of and for the most part I have managed to get away with things that most people wouldn't have and I've definitely taken that for granted. I've never seen myself as a selfish brat but the more that I look at the last two years of my life, I realize just how selfish I have been.

Everything that I have done since I lost the baby back when I was just a 13 year-old kid, has been about me trying to control every aspect of my life.

A perfect life...that's what I tried to portray but now that I have been tried and tested, I like to think that I know better now.

Being able to keep a straight face and be honest with the judge in front of Mami and Britt, gave me a feeling of satisfaction that I wish had lasted me all the way to the doors of rehab but that wasn't the case.

I was weaker than I liked to admit.

And I knew that it was time to start acting like a grown up and to take my life more seriously.

I was a mom and a wife and I needed to finally start making decisions that weren't just about me.

My life growing up had been shitty but it was still better than a lot of people that I knew. I needed to give myself room though, to only compare myself to just me. I had so much constant physical and emotional abuse in my life that I had started living through other people.

The drugs and alcohol definitely didn't help.

Now it was time for me to be better. I wanted to be a parent that my kids could be proud of and even if that meant that I was going to miss Isaac's first birthday and I would miss those little milestones with Daniela, I knew that in the long run, those things wouldn't matter to my kids if I ended up being a washed up junkie.

I know that don't deserve my support network and I sure don't deserve B.

I've done nothing short of torture her lately with all of my back and forth, my drug use and she was, still there supporting me even as I'm the one that asks for a break.

For me, it was half self preservation because I didn't want to worry about what she was doing while I was away and half guilt, for keeping her from so many of her dreams.

She was my anchor and I knew that I needed to treat her better.

* * *

Britt was taking her medicine upstairs and I was putting our food on plates when there was a knock at the door.

It was just past 7:30 in the morning, my family was full of late sleepers, there was no way that was them.

My nerves were shook, what if Chris had seen fit to walk his ass down the street with a gun to deal with Brittany? I took a deep breath and walked to the front door and looked through the peephole.

I froze but not because of my dealer...instead it was someone much scarier.

 _"Ana? Is that the door?"_ Britt peaked into the foyer and I nodded at her as I watched him poised to knock again. _"You okay?"_

 _"Y-Yeah._ " For the first time my stutter came from nerves instead of the strokes.

 _"Well, who is it?"_ She said to me, with a confused smile as he knocked again.

 _"Pr-Priest."_ I said and she smiled.

_"Well let him in."_

I nodded, grateful that the skip in my brain was handled by my wife. I pulled the door open and there stood Father Carter, the same man that I had just confessed to an hour ago.

He smiled at us both.

Then looked me in the eyes, _"Santana. It's been a long time since we've been face to face. After this morning's confession and the sound in your voice, I wanted to come check on you."_ he said as he held his hands out for me to take.

I slid my hands into his and tried to smile.

_"You d-didn't have to do that, F-Father."_

_"As your spiritual leader, it's actually an oversight of mine that I haven't checked on you sooner, might I come in?"_

Britt waved him in and directed him to the couch.

Thankfully, the place was littered with toys and junk. Britt turned to me, _"Baby, manners."_ She whispered in my ears and it kicked me in gear.

 _"Can I get you an-anything?"_ I asked him and he just patted the couch.

_"No, I'd actually like to talk to you both, I assume this is Brittany?"_

B looked at me and I shrugged.

 _"He and I go way back."_ I said, which was code for that summer I had been here. _"Y-Yes, this is Brittany."_

 _"It's very nice to meet you, Brittany."_ He said to her, _"When I first met Santana, two summers ago, she told me about you. She mentions her wife in confession from time to time."_

She stood there next to me, shell shocked. _"You're okay with this?"_ B gestured between us.

_"We are all God's children, Brittany. I lead an affirming congregation. You are welcome anytime."_

_"Thank you so much, father."_ Britt said with a smile on her face as she leaned into my side more comfortably.

Finally we sat down, me leaning a bit against Britt as we looked at the Priest staring back at us with the warmest smile.

* * *

_"Tell me what's going on, with you. I could hear the heaviness your voice."_

_"I relapsed."_

He nodded, looked disappointed in me but still kind.

_"When I hadn't seen you at meetings, I was hoping that it was just you taking some time after your recent losses."_

_"It's b-been hard. I went off the deep end. Sl-Slept with Quinn."_

Britt wrapped her arm around my shoulder and then kissed my forehead.

 _"She was honest about it and admitted it to the judge. Then she actually chose to go to rehab, she leaves today."_ B said and I nodded along.

_"For how long?"_

_"120 d-days."_ I said.

_"If you need me at all, feel free to summon me. Priests tend to get free passes when it comes to visitation restrictions."_

_"Th-Thank you."_

_"It's my pleasure. Please know, Brittany, that I am also available to support you and your family during this difficult time. The church daycare is available to members free of charge, it's run by retired teachers."_

_"Oh, um...I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Father."_

_"I won't keep you two long, I just wanted to ensure that Santana and by extension, you Brittany, were doing okay and that you knew that you have my full support."_ He stood up and then held out his hands. _"May I pray for you?"_

We bowed our heads and listened as Father Carter blessed us and provided words of encouragement.

 _"Thank you."_ I said as he finished and he gave me a hug, I cried against his shoulder and he just rubbed my back.

In moments like this, when a man that I trust hugs me, it makes me long for Papi and the potential our relationship was starting to have. I wiped at my eyes as I stepped back. He hugged Britt and she said something in his ear that made him chuckle.

It was good to see him smile as he was leaving.

And I was suddenly wondering what I was so worried about?

When had I become such a pessimist?

I felt warmth and peace, radiate through me as I held B's hand. Father Carter walked with a skip in his step back towards the church and I allowed myself to relax.

Rehab was the right decision and it was good to know that I was getting support from all sides.

This was the first time in a very long time that I felt like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing.

And it felt really, really good!

* * *

 _"So how do you know him? The priest?"_ Britt asked as we finally sat down to eat.

 _"Do you re-really want to hear about that time in my life?"_ I asked, not wanting to burden her any further.

_"I want to know everything about you. Always."_

_"Someday, I will tell you ab-about that whole su-summer if you want. Okay?"_

_"Okay...but this...tell me this?"_ she asked. _"It just sounds like an interesting story."_

 _"Remember way back at ch-cheer camp when I sung that co-country song to you and you were sh-shocked that I liked country music?"_ I put down my food and looked her in the eyes.

_"Yeah...I loved that song."_

_"I n-never liked co-country before that summer."_

_"Yea?"_ she raised her eyebrows and blushed a bit. She knew that something was coming and was trying to prepare herself for it.

 _"There was this guy."_ I waited a beat but she just nodded.

_"Eat when you can baby...we aren't in a rush."_

_"Right."_ I took a bite of my sandwich and drank some of my coffee before taking a deep breath. _"His name is Tucker. He was my f-favorite guy to es-escort. Always singing and pl-playing country music."_

Britt smiled a bit.

_"If you like the guy, that means he was nice to you, right?"_

_"Yes. Especially, T-Tucker._ _He had moved to here to ch-chase his dream of being a model. He was in the pro-process of coming out to himself."_

_"So he was gay but getting a girl escort?"_

_"Yeah._ _He paid me a grand an hour to t-teach him how to be st-straight."_

_"Oh that doesn't sound so bad."_

I took a few more bites of my sandwich and a long sip of my coffee. Then I cleared my throat and tried to smile.

Talking to her about this was so fucking hard.

_"Well we f-fucked a lot...at f-first. Wh-When we did, he was sw-sweet and g-gentle. Like Ian."_

Britt nodded, like a light bulb went off.

_"Is that why you were attracted to him, you think?"_

_"Looking back, yes."_

_"So what happened?"_

_"Our relations-ship changed when he saw how ho-hooked_ _on blow I was becoming, we st-stopped having sex, he was just pay-paying for my time."_

_"To keep you sober when he could, that's really nice."_

_"Yeah. He'd br-bring me to that ch-church instead. Ev-Every Wed_ _nesd-day and Sa-Saturday night."_

_"That's how you met Father Carter?"_

_"Yes. I t-told him everyth-thing in confession."_

_"Everything? Didn't that make you paranoid?"_

_"Yeah. I tracked him down in per-person. Didn't want him to tell the cops."_

_"I wish you had."_

_"Me too."_

_"What happened to Tucker?"_

_"M-Marco foun_ _d out and st-stopped it, Tucker is who k-kept me from taking my own life after that g-girl died."_

_"Oh baby."_

_"M-Marco_ _beat him down right outside the ch-church._ _Fr-From that night on, all the guys that I es-escorted had to be approved by Marco. T-Tucker ended up going back to K-Kentucky and I n-never saw him again."_

 _"Wow."_ Britt wiped at the tears in her eyes and then leaned forward and wiped mine. _"Thank you for telling me."_ she whispered. Then she leaned across the table and kissed my lips. _"I'm so proud of the woman that you are becoming. When this is all over will you marry me like super big?"_

I looked up at her in shock.

Sure we were already married but this was different.

 _"Ask me when I'm clean."_ I said and then began to eat the rest of my food.

She seemed satisfied with that answer.

_"Deal."_

Brittany had just given me even more incentive to get better.

She was proving to me that we were endgame.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

It was like once she had unleashed that single story about Tucker, a heaviness left her. Telling me that story and waiting to see my response was definitely a test, she wanted to see if I truly could handle her baggage.

Maybe I couldn't a year ago...or even six months ago but right then, I was ready.

 _"Can I p-play you a song?"_ She asked me after we finished cleaning up from breakfast.

_"Sure, baby."_

She grinned and then went into the guest room, I was tempted to follow her because well, once an addict, forever an addict but I needed to show her some level of trust. So I sat at the dining room table confirming a time for everyone to come over with her mom.

We still had some time left before they'd head out, which was great because I was hoping to take a nap with her one more time.

She came out of the guest room with her keyboard under her arm and a smile on her face.

_"You d-didn't follow."_

_"Did I need to?"_ I asked, trying to be light and airy, like high school Brittany.

_"No. I just expected you to ch-check on me."_

_"I am trying to trust you...just like you did with me after you woke up. I could see it, how you wanted to trust me and well, after the last few nights, there isn't much you can do to surprise me."_

She nodded, a serious look on her face as she set up her keyboard on the table top. Then she sat down across from me and smiled.

_"Th-This is a song by Lee Brice, it's m-my favorite. Reminds me of us."_

_"Does it?"_

_"Yes."_

She played me Hard to Love and I smiled the whole time, it felt like the first time. Like with Songbird, when she was just nervous at first but the more she sang, the more confident she got.

Not one single stutter came out as she sang, her fingers moving as she sang to me. The tears in her eyes made me tear up.

This was her opening up a door in her tough shell for me and I was so grateful.

 _"I love you, so much."_ I said walking around the table and pulling her to her feet before crashing my lips against hers. I held her like that, our lips doing all the talking and knew that it would take a lot for me to take her up on her offer to stray.

I just wanted us to stay like that forever.

* * *

We left the keyboard there and I carried her up to our bedroom, her body wrapped around mind and her head on my shoulder.

 _"I still want you to ex-explore."_ She said and it stung.

_"What if I don't want to?"_

_"Then don't but if...th-there is so-someone that eases your pa-pain or it-itch...it's okay."_

_"Baby...I don't want to think about it."_

_"J-Just don't fall in love with them."_

_"Baby, please?"_ I squeaked and she kissed my face.

_"Fine."_

We crawled into bed and made out for a little while before we fell asleep holding each other.

I wasn't going to do anything crazy like sleep against the door or lock the bathroom, I just had to let it be.

She needed to know that I was already trying to trust her.

But my body, still woke me a little each time she shifted, wanting to know if she left.

When I heard the footsteps coming upstairs, I knew that time was up.

 _"Baby?"_ I said as I buried my face against her neck while she snored.

_"Hmm?"_

_"Time to get up."_

_"Five mo' minutes."_ She mumbled.

But then there was knocking on the door.

 _"Come in!"_ I called.

My mood though, took a slight turn when Quinn stepped into the room.

* * *

 _"I came to talk to you."_ She said, sticking out her chin defiantly, while staring at me. Ana just put the pillow over her head and faked a loud ass snore.

_"Talk."_

_"It's too late for me to get housing on campus. Social Services says I can't stay with Puck and Beth until I get clearances. I applied for housing and will get a dorm room in August. I'm going back to Lima for the summer, there's still two months left of school. Can I stay until then? I'll still watch the kids and help however I can."_

I glanced over at Ana who was silent and very still, which meant that she was listening.

Did I want to kick Quinn in the teeth...a little bit.

But I knew her almost as well as I knew Ana, I could see the desperation on her face and the sorrow in her eyes as her gaze locked on me. She was afraid to even look at my wife.

_"That's fine, Q."_

_"Thank you. I won't bother you guys for lunch, I have tests all week, so I'll be in my room unless you need me."_ She went to turn but I couldn't live with her if we were like this.

 _"Stop."_ I said and she froze in place. _"I wasn't finished talking."_ I didn't mean for the words to come out snarky but sometimes I can't help my tone.

This time, instead of pretending to not listen, Ana sat up and looked at me with a raised brow and her arms cross over herself like she was waiting for the bomb to drop.

Q finally looked at Ana and her eyes got wide. _"Your hair."_ She said. I cleared my throat and she looked at me. _"Yes, B?"_

_"I don't hate you. Okay? I know what you did, staying up with Izzy most of the night even while Celia was breaking your heart. You are the best godmother in the world and I'm so fucking grateful that you made sure that the kids were safe, distracted, and taken care of while the world was falling down. You don't get enough credit, we already missed your birthday because of our grief over Court...but we haven't forgotten you."_

Q was in tears as she nodded.

_"Don't worry about the birthday, I was in class for most of it."_

_"Wh-When I'm back we will do something big...for the b-both of us."_

_"A double birthday?"_ She was grinning. _"I've always wanted a summer pool party birthday."_

 _"Then that's what we'll do!"_ I said and she nodded.

_"You two are the best. I will never cross that line again. Nothing is worth losing you two."_

_"Come here."_ I said holding my arms open and then I nudged Ana, she looked unsure but she opened her arms too.

 _"Unholy trinity, starting together, ending together."_ I said as we all hugged.

The heaviness hanging over all of us was lifted then.

Thank sweet baby Jesus.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

With everything that happened in the last few months, with the arguing and the cheating, the deaths and heartbreak it was amazing that hours before I was scheduled to go to rehab, my family was actually sitting around the table, laughing and joking.

Everyone was loving my hair, including Isaac who kept staring at me with love in his eyes.

My heart felt so full as I sat with the baby in my arms and Isaac between me and B.

It felt right then, after blessings from my priest, sharing a huge part of me with B, and her accepting Q back into our lives that anything was possible.

Right then, I just wanted to freeze time and enjoy everyone as they were.

It was my deepest prayer that this was what I would come back to in four months.

The happiness, while amazing did feel tentative and fragile. Like anything could shatter it and I wasn't the only one that felt it. Britt kept shooting me nervous glances for most of dinner and dessert. I could tell that she was hoping that the atmosphere stayed pleasant but I knew better. I had been a Lopez longer, after all.

It was never a matter of 'if' with my family, it was always a matter of 'when' and 'who'.

_"We should talk about why we are really here, don't you think? I can't be expected to just sit at this table and not acknowledge just how fucked up this all is."_

Ding. Ding. Ding. We have a winner!

Celia, who by all means has every right to hate me, was choosing to be the one to bring up the big rainbow elephant in the room.

 _"Is that really necessary, haven't we talked enough?"_ Sandra said, placing a hand on Celia's arm.

I finished off my last spoonful of rice and then looked over at Mami who was texting.

_"Mami?"_

_"Yes, mi'ja?"_

_"Can you t-take them upstairs to Mari?"_ Mami seemed more than happy to grab the kids and go hang out with Damariz and baby Norah out of the crossfire.

* * *

The room held its breath until the kids were gone and it was just the adults at the table. I'm not sure what Celia was trying to prove with her whole attitude but there was no way I was going to allow Quinn to hide upstairs while we all ate together.

Everyone seemed okay with it, except Ceily, who kept shooting death glares at Q.

 _"I can't believe you are really making a scene right now Celia Marie!"_ Sandra was dropping government names and I shared a look with B and Q. If we could, we'd walk away then but I wasn't avoid things when I had a limited time to set things right.

 _"I tried to set things aside but here she is...back living with them, so they can take advantage of her...AGAIN!"_ Celia snapped, in her earnestness to defend Q.

 _"They aren't using me. I told you, I don't pay for rent or bills...or even food, the least I can do is step in and help with MY godchildren."_ Q said, as calmly as she could without looking at Ceily.

_"Wouldn't be me."_

_"Thankfully, no one as-asked you!"_ I snapped at her and she looked insulted just like her frog faced mother. I took a deep breath and tried to smiled. I still had time to change the tension in the room and with my new found strength and conviction...I felt like I could handle it.

_"Yes...Q and I had sex. I am not pr-proud of what I did."_

_"Understatement of the year."_ B snickered and I glared. She fixed her face quickly.

_"I am gr-grateful that d-despite that, you are still here. I hope you understand how much your b-being here means to me. I kn-know that I can be a pain to deal with."_

_"Something we agree on."_ Celia said and I shrugged.

_I'm a bitch...not breaking news._

_"I'm gonna sp-spend the next 90 days away fr-from everyone I l-love. I'm gonna m-miss my son's first b-birthday, all so that I can wo-work through all my junk. I hope that when it's over, I can c-come back to you g-guys, clean and sober. I'm so so-sorry for all the pain that I have caused you. I love you so much...and I'm going to prove it."_

I hadn't realized that I had been staring only at Brittany until I looked around and saw tears in everyone's eyes. I looked over at Celia and nodded towards the kitchen.

 _"Can I talk to you alone for a s-second?"_ She stared at me with an uncertain smile, she looked over at Quinn who had her head buried in her hands. Then she looked back at me.

_"I know it was a mistake...you don't have to take me to the side, might as well just say what you need to say."_

_"Just know that...we got ca-caught up in the moment. She is my b-best friend and the lines g-got a little too blurred...We both re-realized that what we have is st-strictly a friendship...I'm sorry about it. I was sick about it and I br-broke. I don't want the rift between you two...to cause her to not be around. Isaac is in-incredibly attached to her. My kids need all of you to stick ar-around right now...so I hope you can put this aside for them...please?"_

I looked over at my friend and could see that she was emerging from her hands to rest her hazel eyes on me. She nodded and then looked over at Celia with watery eyes.

 _"I'm so sorry...baby...please."_ she whispered. Celia looked at her with an angry expression and then nodded to the kitchen.

 _"Come talk to me about it."_ I was shocked to see my sister willing to talk this through.

 _"Okay."_ Quinn nearly knocked over her chair as she jumped to her feet and followed my sister into the kitchen.

I finally sat down and just looked around at everyone.

 _"Anyone h-have anything else to say?"_ I asked as I rested my elbows on the table.

 _"Is there more pie?"_ I cracked a smile when I looked over at B and saw her puffed up cheeks as she held up an empty plate.

Leave it to Britt to know how to break the tension.

Thank goodness!

* * *

The time flew by and before I knew it I was kissing my kids and saying goodbye to my family, I was wreck inside but I tried to project calm.

Britt was allowed to stay with me all the way to check-in before I was forced to say goodbye to her. I had ended up at a treatment center in Long Island that was surrounded by a lot of trees and was very Catholic.

Father Carter would definitely be hearing from me, he was one of the only Priests that I trusted. I had been nervous about them seeing me and my wife but I got lucky that they were okay with the gays.

Britt kissed me and then hugged me tight for as long as she could before walking away with Mami. I turned back and she was grinning while giving me two thumbs up.

 _"You got this!"_ She mouthed, drawing a heart with her fingers.

I winked at her and then followed behind the intake coordinator, knowing that from that moment on, everything was gonna be up to me.

Every failure and accomplishment in the next few months would be based on my own merit.

My own sweat and tears.

When I was assigned a room on the first floor by the counseling center, I felt excited, I had a tendency to avoid therapists but it was going to be hard to and I needed that.

I didn't want the easy way through this. I wanted to finally feel worthy of all my blessings.

Of my wife.

My children.

And my family.

I was finally taking control of my life for the better.

I would no longer be so hard to love.

I had been through hell and God only knows what his plan was...and even though I wasn't quite sure why things had happened this way...my hope was that someday I would understand.


	50. Still Have Me (Demi Lovato)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A complete return to Santana's POV for the last chapter of this part of the saga. First Chapter of the next, soon to come.

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER**

**DAY 1**

* * *

After Britt left me at the rehab intake desk, with that sweet look in her eyes, I felt hopeful. I looked checked in with the receptionist and she smiled at me and then nodded towards the open office to my right.

_"They're already waiting for you."_

_"Okay. Thanks."_ I said and then walked towards the open door.

When I peaked into the room, I saw a police officer and an Adonis of a guy, standing against the back wall reading through a file.

 _"Hi."_ I said, and they both looked up at me a bit surprised. Maybe it was my age or my sober appearance, either way, I was ready to get this going.

The guy walked over after tucking the folder under his arm and put his hand out for me to shake.

_"Santana Lopez?"_

_"Yes."_

He looked at his watch and smiled.

_"I'm Craig, your intake coordinator. I'm glad to see that you're right on time. This is Officer Coleman, she is going to recalibrate your ankle monitor and then I will take you through the intake process."_

_"Okay."_

I was full of nerves as I lifted my foot onto the chair that sat next to the cop and pulled up my pant leg. She examined the ankle monitor and then inserted a key.

When it popped off, I let out a sigh of relief, that thing had been way heavier than it seemed at first glance. She smirked and then handed me a tube of lotion and I glanced down.

Sure enough, my ankle was super ashy.

 _"Wow."_ I muttered.

_"Mrs. Lopez, after I reset this monitor, you will be confined to the walls of this center for your first 90 days. Afterwards, I will reset it for your remaining 30 days, so that you will be allowed onto the grounds. If you violate the judge's orders, you will be remanded to custody. Is that clear?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Great."_ She scanned the anklet and my information came up on the computer screen. _"Read through this information and confirm that it's correct."_

She stepped away from the screen and gestured for me to walk closer.

Walking without the anklet felt insanely weird. I glanced to the door and saw that the guy was standing in front of it in case I tried to make a run for it.

But I wasn't stupid. We were way out on Long Island, I had no money on me and no desire to walk this decision back.

I smiled at him and then looked at the screen.

There was a picture of me from God knows when and information that seemed a little off.

_"Uh...wh-what is this?"_

_"That is your record in New York State, you were arrested in a prostitution round up in 2011. Your Ohio record has been sealed per your attorney's disclosure, we used what is on file."_

_"Right."_

_"We will go line by line and make corrections."_

_"Okay."_

_"Santana Gladys Lopez, D.O.B. 6/17/94, Marital Status: Single."_

_"No."_

_"What am I correcting?"_

_"June 21 and I'm m-married."_

She nodded and then input the corrections.

We continued on, changing my primary contact from Marco Vega to Brittany Lopez and my address from the TriBeCa penthouse to my house on the Upper West Side.

Then, thankfully, she had me stand back against the wall and take a new picture, one where I wasn't high off my ass and looking like a used up whore.

* * *

With the ankle monitor back on, she shook an empty cup at me and pointed to a door.

I followed her inside the room, there was a toilet, a sink and a shower. Pretty basic with very little privacy. Thankfully Craig hung back.

_"Normally, patients at a standard center don't need to go through this whole search but that isn't the case here, I will need to follow prison protocol."_

I knew exactly what that meant.

_"Okay."_

She patted me down and then handed me the cup.

_"Fill that up to the line."_

_"Wh-What happens if that comes back d-dirty?"_ I asked after quickly peeing and then putting the cup on the shelf next to the toilet.

_"This is criminal intake, so we are used to the first one coming back with drugs. If that's the case, it will be marked in your file but you will not be remanded to custody. However if you have another positive test, you'll go before the judge."_

_"Okay."_

_"Are you admitting that you have used since your meeting with the judge?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay. Wash your hands and then strip down so I can perform a cavity search."_

I froze...our eyes met and she just nodded at me as she snapped on gloves.

So much for my hopeful good mood.

* * *

After she confirmed that I hadn't shoved drugs inside of myself for a later time, she had me wash my hair to reveal any hidden stash and then finally, I was given what looked like hospital scrubs.

 _"I d-don't get my own clothes?"_ This was not how rehab in Lima had been.

_"No. This isn't a Hollywood rehab center, Mrs. Lopez. This center is for people just like you, who chose recovery over prison. As far as the state is concerned, you are still a prisoner. Everyone is, at least until 90 days after they've arrived. At that point, you are able to wear a different color and are given more freedom. This is not a vacation."_

_"Okay."_

_"Any more questions?"_

_"Will I have to do th-this each time?"_

_"No. You will only be searched after you have visitors but otherwise, there will be random drug tests on a weekly basis. Your monitor or I, will be the ones conducting them, so that you feel a level of comfort."_

_"Okay."_

I was near tears and it seemed to register with her when I used tissue to slow down the leaking in my bra.

_"Your file says that you plan to provide breast milk?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"I will make sure that when we test it, a guy won't be close by. I am your person in here, I want to see you get clean and go home to your baby healthy. If you are transparent with me, I will make sure that you get out of here, better."_

_"Thank you."_

She nodded and then sent me out to Craig.

He looked up at me with a smile and then opened the door.

_"Let's get started."_

* * *

We were finishing up the tour of the center when Officer Coleman caught up with us. She gave me a glance and then handed a sheet to Craig before walking off.

_"Let's see what we have here...your tests came back."_

_"Yeah."_ I sighed as I walked with him, my arms wrapped around my chest as I tried to not stare at the floor like an ashamed child.

_"High traces of cocaine, small trace of heroin and high traces of benzodiazepines."_

_"Xanax."_ I informed him. _"I...before I left home, I n-needed to not have a pa-panic attack."_

He nodded.

_"So it's a prescription?"_

_"Was, after my hospital st-stay but I'm su-supposed to be st-stopping."_

He made a note on the paper and then slipped it in my file that he was still holding tight in his hands.

_"Okay. So your body will probably be coming down soon, then."_

I shrugged because my withdrawal symptoms were all over the place because I was so good at maintaining any version of a high. After the argument at lunch, I started to feel shaky so I searched the guest room until I found one single pill in my still unpacked hospital bag, inside a pair of maternity jeans. Britt hadn't noticed and I wasn't going to even begin to open that can of worms with her.

_"M-Maybe."_

_"We had you set up for a therapy session right after your tour but that was for you being sober or at least cleaner than this indicates."_

_"Oh. So now what?"_

_"So now, you need to go to the withdrawal unit per protocol. It's our triage area. You will stay there until you completely come down, rehab can be harder to work through when you're coming down. So we put you in a space where you can come down with medical professionals on standby, it's safer this way."_

_"Oh."_

He gave me a disappointed look and then turned us down a long poorly lit hallway with a flickering light that made me feel like I was in a haunted house. The closer we got to a set of double doors, the more the place went from looking like a country club to a hospital ward.

It set me on edge.

* * *

Craig hit a buzzer on the wall and then waited for it to beep.

_"Name?"_

_"Craig Hileman, here with Santana G. Lopez, 783215."_

There was some typing and then the voice was back.

_"I see the her report, she's been through criminal intake?"_

_"Yes."_

Craig glanced at me.

_"Okay, Dr. Bryson will meet you at room 18."_

_"Thank you."_

A red light blinked and then the doors buzzed open. Craig walked ahead and I followed, feeling more nervous when I saw a white room with about 30 doors. I followed Craig straight back towards room 18. There stood a doctor in a white coat.

She didn't bother with pleasantries, instead she pushed open the door.

 _"Wait inside, please."_ She barked at me.

I stepped into the room and then the door slammed behind me.

The room had padded walls and was bare with the exception of a hospital bed in the center that was bolted to the floor and a toilet in the corner. No shower, no mirror...no beams or anything to hang myself from.

Just what amounted to a padded prison cell.

I sat on the edge of the bed and stared down at my shaking hands. I squeezed them into fists and then I noticed that my shirt was wet...milk.

Great.

* * *

The door opened and in came the doctor with a little caddy.

 _"Drug usage, intravenous or powder?"_ She asked as she read my file.

 _"Powder."_ I said.

She wrapped a rubber tourniquet around my upper arm and then jabbed it with a needle. I hissed but didn't make another sound while she took my blood, filling two vials before she was done.

Once she finished, she wrapped a plastic watch looking thing around my wrist.

It had my name on it and a blinking light.

_"Not only is this our tracker, it's a pulsometer. Normally that is just something that helps us make sure no one is overdosing but with your history of heart surgery, it will be even more important."_

_"Ok."_

_"How are you feeling?"_

_"Fine."_

She raised her eyebrow.

_"You need to drop those defenses in here, it doesn't serve any purpose but to slow your recovery. Keep in mind that the judge gets updates on your progress."_

_"Tired and sh-shaky."_ I admitted.

_"Are you hungry?"_

I shook my head and then wrapped my arms around my soaked shirt.

_"Are you planning to stop breastfeeding?"_

_"No. On-once I'm clean, I can do it."_

She marked that down in my file and then took gauze out of her caddy. She gave me a small stack of gauze pads.

 _"Use those to stem the flow."_ She pointed up to the ceiling, there was a camera. _"You will be monitored for the next 96 hours. I will be managing your case, checking your vitals and if need be, strapping you to that bed so you don't scratch your eyes out."_

I smirked but I could tell that she was speaking from experience.

_"Okay."_

_"I'll also be taking those shoes until it's time for you to join the general population."_

I looked down at my sneakers and then unlaced them and took them off.

She put them in a bag and then she left me, in a locked room with nothing to do but sit and think.

And cry.

And come down.

Mostly all I did though was cry until I vomited every meal I ate and then I'd cry again until I passed out.

After two days of never making it back to bed, even once, I woke up on the third day feeling better.

When the doctor came in, I was sitting on the bed, tapping my fingers against my thighs as I wrote music notes in my head.

She shined a light into my eyes and then checked my throat, my ears...my blood pressure and finally took more blood.

My arms were bruised from the blood draws in the last two days but I just gritted my teeth through it.

_"You're showing signs of dehydration. Have you been able to keep anything down?"_

I shook my head. _"No."_

_"You have some coloring today, at least, are you ready to shower?"_

_"Yes."_ I felt like shit and I knew I smelled like sour milk, it was disgusting. I felt like I was covered in a film of grime.

_"Good, I'm going to need you to pee in a cup today. I have been asked to check the levels in your breastmilk as well."_

_"Okay."_

_"So pee in the cup, shower and then we will get you set up with the pump."_

_"Thank you."_

* * *

**FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER**

**DAY 5**

* * *

Instead of spending four days in triage, I ended up spending five days because I passed out in the shower on day 3 and couldn't stand. My body was malnourished they said and I had to admit that I had been flushing most of the food they'd been giving me, choosing to only eat a few bites.

They gave me an IV and because they feared I'd try to rip it out, I was strapped to my bed while they pumped electrolytes into my body.

I cried the whole time but the morning of day 5, I woke up feeling human again.

And I had been cleared to provide milk for the baby.

So I was monitored while I pumped an endless amount of milk. Of course they tested it right then and when they confirmed it was clean, they sent it off and I was allowed to shower again.

When I made it through that and my urine came back clear, they let me put on my shoes and I was made to sit outside of my room and wait for Craig.

It took him an hour to show up.

And when he did, there was a smile on his face and I smiled back feeling relieved.

He carried my breast pump bag on his shoulder and then took my file and walked me out of that fake ass psych ward.

I had never felt so happy about leaving a place.

He stopped us halfway down the hall and then looked at me.

 _"You start rehab fresh today."_ I felt my panic surge, did that mean I was going up to do 125 days?

 _"Like at 1?"_ I asked.

_"No at 5, the judge did send down an order though."_

I swallowed the bile that was rising.

_"Okay. What?"_

_"Your attorney submitted a request for you to get a video visitation in a few days for your son's birthday. You'll get a whole hour of video time, monitored of course."_

_"Really?"_ I felt the tears and I didn't even fight them.

_"Yes and instead of 90 days for first visitation, she's pushed it to 95."_

_"To m-make up for that?"_ I pointed back to the doors.

_"Yes."_

_"Okay. Th-That's fair."_

_"Glad you think so. So today, I'm taking you straight to a group meeting which is usually lead by me, but today it's actually your therapist, so she'll take you straight to her office to have a one-on-one with you afterwards. After that, is lunch...your assigned monitor or buddy will come get you for that."_

_"Who?"_

_"Here we have a buddy system, helps with accountability. In the past it's been patients but in the last two years, we have hired a team of people whose job it is to be your wrap around or monitor. They will be your roommate, your eating partner and eventually your sponsor for your first year after leaving."_

_"Wow."_

_"We want you to be successful and this kind of program has a 95% success rate using this method, I wish it was 100% but just being over 90% is a win."_

I hoped to God that I would fall in that 95%.

There was nothing that mattered more than being there for my wife and kids.

* * *

Once I was out of that padded hell, I completely submerged myself in the rehab experience. I participated in group and in my one-on-one therapy, in anticipation of the video chat that I would get that Sunday.

It was all that I could think about and I didn't want anything to jeopardize that.

And when the day came, CiCi walked into our room with a tablet and the best news.

_"Since your first few days went well, you can take lunch in here with me and talk for as long as you want until group."_

I looked at the clock, group was in four hours!

 _"I c-could hug you."_ I said.

_"I'm sure but it's not appropriate."_

I rolled my eyes.

_"I know."_

_"Brittany has already called to let us know they are doing the Sunday lunch and then cake in an hour and a half. Dr. Clover, thinks you should go talk to her before the call and after."_

_"So now?"_

_"Now."_

I left her behind and made my way down the hallway, I was a woman on a mission.

After taking a deep breath, I knocked on the wooden door and there she sat, looking just as gorgeous as always. Britt would SO be jealous if she saw Dr. Clover. She was a bad bitch with a degree, just like Q would be some day.

 _"Santana!"_ She grinned as she crossed her legs and leaned forward.

_"Hi."_

_"That was fast, I just told CiCi to go get you like 10 seconds ago."_

_"Th-This is the best part of my day."_ I admitted.

_"That's great to hear. Have a seat."_

I sat on her giant, fluffy red couch with my journal clutched in my hands.

_"So, since yesterday's session you have been given access to the music room. Have you had a chance to play?"_

I nodded and then opened my journal to last night. I had an hour of free time after dinner before chapel and I used every second.

_"Last night before ch-chapel."_

_"Did you play the whole hour?"_

_"I did. C-Can I share this with you?"_

_"You can share anything with me, you know that."_

I could feel the heat in my cheeks. I had a kid like crush on this woman, it was completely innocent, something silly to indulge in just for me.

_"I wr-wrote the beginning of a s-song."_

_"How is your voice...do you want to sing it? I know your stutter is less active when you sing."_

_"It doesn't work wi-without playing."_

_"Well then let's go on a field trip."_ She stood up and stretched, then waved towards the door. _"Lead the way."_

* * *

I brushed my sweaty hands through my hair and then placed my journal on the stand before cracking my fingers.

Dr. Clover sat behind me somewhere and I felt grateful for it, she would have distracted me with her smile since it reminded me of Brittany's so much.

I adjusted my glasses, which had become a necessity since there was a no contacts rule for some reason.

Then I looked at my rushed music notes and smirked. Most people would see chicken scratch but I saw a masterpiece.

As I began to play I closed my eyes and felt the notes. Then I sang softly.

_"You say, follow my heart but my heart ain't so reliable these days. I say, follow your dreams but being your dream is how we got this way._

_You are my heart and I am your dream, but things lately are not what they seem._

_I miss you when you're near me, I miss you when you're far and babylove, I miss that look in your eyes that told me I was a star._

_I've let you down, you nearly bled dry, but baby, my sweet baby you said our love would never die."_ I played more notes, wordlessly, as I thought of those blue eyes and that way they could unravel me. _"I get twisted in knots as I wave in the wind, you unravel me and bring me back in. Inside, In love, In truth...even down here, I just want to be with you."_

I was crying by the time my fingers came to a stop. Then I took a deep breath, wiped my tears and shut the lid before grabbing my journal and turning towards Dr. Clover.

She looked emotional and then clapped for me.

_"That was beautiful, Santana and a fitting homework assignment in regards to our last session about the unhealthy ways you and Brittany have arrived at this point. As you work through this song, I want you to really examine the good as well as the bad. Okay?"_

_"Yes. Thank you."_ I fiddled with my journal and then took a deep breath, I had been asked to be transparent at all times. Including now. _"C-Can we stay in here?"_ I asked. _"I feel at home here."_

She grinned. _"Absolutely, I'm going to record this session since I don't have my notepad in here. Okay?"_

 _"Okay."_ She set a timer on her phone and then hit record.

_"Let's discuss managing expectations, shall we?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Today, you'll get to see your son for his birthday. You have been away for a little over a week, right?"_

_"Nine days."_

_"Right, I know that you have spent longer than that in a coma but with him being a little older, there might be a chance that he doesn't respond to you like you expect."_

_"You think so?"_ I hadn't been worried about that.

_"There's always a chance, he could also throw himself at the phone and scream for you. Either scenario is possible, you just need to remember this is about managing your expectations."_

_"Right."_

_"Which means, you cannot set expectations for anyone but yourself. You can hope for the best but prepare yourself for the worst. This will be the last time you see your family and your kids until day 95. Make it count."_

_"Party pooper."_ I muttered as I scribbled her words into my journal.

 _"That's my job, to rain on parades...poop on parties. I live for that stuff."_ I looked up at her in shock and she was grinning at me.

_"Funny."_

The alarm went off on her phone and then she sighed. _"Times up."_

 _"It's only been like half an hour."_ I said, my stutter taking a break for once.

_"Yes, I believe CiCi informed you that I expect you back in my office after your call."_

_"Right."_

_"We will have the rest of your session then, before group."_

_"So much talk...talking."_

_"It's helping you in many ways. Now, go get yourself lunch and head to your room for your call. Come see me right after, if you aren't in a state to come to me, tell CiCi and I will come to you."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

When we talked managing expectations, I had really only applied it to Isaac not recognizing me or some shit like that but then that felt like I was putting an expectation on him. So I decided to just be myself and worry about whatever the after effect was, later.

I had set up my food on my desk and while CiCi connected the call, brushed my hair and put on fresh lip gloss.

The sound of music and laughter came through loud and clear.

CiCi set the tablet up in front of me and then went over to her bed to work on whatever it was she did when she wasn't babysitting me.

 _"Hey guys!"_ I said loudly and waved at my family. They waved back and then went back to talking...not surprising, I had only been gone nine days. Then the screen turned around and there she was.

Britt smiled at me softly, her eyes bloodshot and her nose pink.

 _"Hi baby."_ She said softly and then she began to walk away from the table and the noise. _"Izzy isn't feeling so good and neither am I, I don't think we are going to do cake but I figured you'd at least want to see him."_

 _"How sick is he?"_ I asked her.

_"Sick enough for me to take him to the hospital but they just told me, he has a cold like me and to do the generic stuff you do with a cold."_

_"Is he wh-wheezing?"_ I was feeling super anxious and sat on my hands as I leaned forward. I could feel CiCi's eyes on me but I didn't have time for her right then.

 _"A little."_ She pushed open the office door, and panned the camera around so I could see the new set up of my old office. There in between the windows was my little boy in his crib laying on his side.

B put me just in his line of sight.

 _"Hey Papa."_ I said to him and his eyes lit up. I could hear his wheeze and choked back my tears. _"Happy B-Birthday."_

 _"Mami."_ He said to me with a smile, then his hand came towards me and when he couldn't touch my actual face, his eyes teared up.

_"I l-love you."_

_"Wuv you."_ He said and kissed his hand at me.

I blew a kiss back at him.

 _"Do you want to see Dani?"_ B asked.

_"Soon. Let him see me f-for a bit. J-Just update me on st-stuff. Your sh-show?"_

_"Oh, okay. We are almost done casting, we start casting our main guy soon and then the understudies. It's going to be a busy time but Ari and Quinn are going to help me with the kids when they can."_

Quinn. I hadn't thought of her in any of this.

_"Q and Ceily are back together, she got over Q staying here again. Ari is also staying in the nursery with Dani."_

_"Really?"_

_"Well yeah, I have long nights and so she's been putting her to bed, she says being close to her helps her feel close to you."_

_"Th-That's sweet."_

_"It is."_

_"Mami."_ Isaac called to me. I had just been watching him while talking to B and he looked a little pale _. "Mami, come."_ He said to me, opening and closing his hand.

_"I'm so-sorry, Papa. I can't."_

_"No?"_ He asked.

_"No."_

Then I watched his face get red and he rolled onto his back, then I braced myself for it. His hacking, coughing cry followed. I wiped my eyes as I watched him throw a fit over something that I did. I couldn't be with him on this day, his day because I was back to the very thing that made him sick in the first place.

I watched hands lift him and then he was screaming again.

 _"No! No! Mama, No!"_ He kept screaming.

There was some murmuring and then I heard her voice, the low timbre of it and knew that I was being handed off.

Quinn's face was on the screen next and she was walking with me out of the room, away from the cries of my son.

_"Hey, don't cry...he's okay, B is going to give him a treatment and if he isn't better after, I'm going to drag her back to the hospital myself."_

_"Thanks, Q."_

* * *

After weeping some more over the way that my baby girl's face had changed while I had been away and how beautiful she was, Q took my back to my son.

But I heard B, plainly.

_"No, Q. Seeing her works him up, he's finally calm."_

The sound of her denying me Isaac did me in.

_"But B, she won't get to see him for two more months."_

_"Fine."_ She huffed.

Q showed me Isaac and he smiled through his mask.

He tried to blow me another kiss but the mask was in the way. His brow got all furrowed but then, I began to sing before he could cry.

It always made him calm.

So, I sang Songbird to him, Britt looked away from me then as she rocked with him in the glider.

She was obviously upset.

What was going on?

It had been nine fucking days, how bad could she be having it?

My anger came through in the last line of the song, instead of going soft, I growled and Britt looked at me.

 _"Thanks."_ She looked down and then looked over at Q. _"Take her downstairs, let her enjoy the family."_

And I didn't fight.

Even though I wanted to.

While Q walked away, I made a hard decision...even though it'd only been a half hour. I ended the call.

I couldn't spend another second pretending to be home when I was so obviously not there.

And when the screen was black, I dropped my face to my hands and I wept.

CiCi tried talking to me but I wouldn't respond.

The door to the room closed and then opened again around the time that I was climbing into bed.

 _"Get up."_ Dr. Clover said to me.

 _"No."_ I responded.

_"Santana, wallowing will do you no good, get up or I'm going to have to reassess your status."_

_"Whatever."_ I grumbled and then closed my eyes.

_"Do you really want to go back to triage, Santana?"_

My blood ran cold when I thought of the padded room where I felt alone and desperate.

I couldn't let what was happening out in the world do that.

So, I sat up and I glared at Dr. Clover.

_"I'm up."_

_"Good. I'm excusing you from group, let's go back to the music room."_

The shock must have shown on my face because she dropped her attitude.

_"You were more open and relaxed in there, I think approaching your therapy through music will be beneficial to your recovery. So wash your face, get your journal, and let's go."_

And I did.

She was teaching me...or rather helping me to remember what my original tether had been.

My mistress, my passion...my true first love...music.

* * *

**FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER**

**DAY 29**

* * *

I was feeling better these days, it'd been 20 days since I had my near breakdown after my call on Isaac's birthday. My days since, had been filled with music and group therapy every single day and other than CiCi and Dr. Clover, I didn't have much interaction with anyone else.

But now, apparently, that was changing.

Dr. Clover had called me into her office early on my 29th day and asked me to bring my journal after breakfast.

I sat in my assigned part of the cafeteria, separated from the people in different colored uniforms.

My group was small and we weren't allowed to talk to each other outside of group, so usually I sped through eating while going over my journal entries. Early on, my journal was supposed to be my only friend and I had been encouraged to name it.

I chose the name Henry.

Now though, my schedule was changing.

The oatmeal from breakfast sat like a rock in my stomach as I prepared to meet Dr. Clover in her office for the first time since before my breakdown. We'd been having all of our sessions in the music room.

I knocked on the door and her normally upbeat tone was more somber like when we first met.

Had I done something wrong?

 _"Come in Santana."_ She said as she pulled the door open.

I tried to smile and be light but then I saw my mother sitting on the couch.

Seeing her for the first time in a month, without any warning shocked me.

 _"Mami."_ I said.

_"Hi, mi'ja. Come sit down."_

I stood there, looking at my therapist and my mother, the rock in my stomach was now a boulder.

 _"Did someone die?"_ I asked and Mami gave a tight smile.

_"No. There have been some changes to your case, I'm here to update you as your counsel."_

More dread filled me but then Dr. Clover sat in her normal seat, smiled her normal smile and gestured for me to sit next to my mother.

_"Remember to manage your expectations and to be transparent."_

I nodded at her and then sat next to my mother. I opened my arms to her and she looked a little surprised but she definitely squeezed me tightly. I let out a sigh when I buried my face against her shoulder.

She smelled like home, my home.

The boulder shrunk a bit.

I needed to stop thinking the worst.

 _"Bendicion."_ I muttered.

 _"Que Dios te bendiga."_ She kissed my cheek as she pulled away and then brushed her lipstick away with her thumb.

 _"I will leave you two alone, since this is considered attorney/client privilege. I'll be right outside, so let me know when you're done."_ Dr. Clover said with a smile.

 _"Thank you, Jenn."_ Mami said.

Dr. Clover's smile was tight, she didn't seem very happy about needing to leave but I was grateful that I'd have this moment alone with Mami.

* * *

I sat back against the arm of the couch and I tried my best to manage my expectations at least on the surface level but life hadn't always been so kind to me.

But Mami didn't look sad or nervous, just serious...that was normal for her and really for me...so I needed to relax.

 _"What's up?"_ I asked.

_"There was a roundup of Marco's old associates and a few nationwide DEA sweeps. Mr. Motta was arrested and his accounts were seized. Your name came up, it was something innocuous, him transferring money to an account that you have offshore."_

_"Offshore? I don't have any offshore accounts."_ I said, confused.

_"Do you have all your memories back?"_

_"Not all, no."_

_"Right before your coma you opened a few accounts, including one offshore. It only contains that transfer from Mr. Motta. The money hasn't moved or grown since that transfer because of that they weren't able to implicate you at all."_

_"Oh okay."_

_"Given that you are here, there isn't really any interest in you or your case. Once you successfully finish your time here, you'll be exonerated."_

_"That's a re-relief. Is that it?"_

_"That was the more high level stuff. I had a long talk with Quinn after your call on Isaac's birthday."_ I wanted to interrupt but I just bit back my comments and waited. _"She had some concerns about you being cut off from the kids and how easy it might be for them to get swept up in any disagreements between you and Brittany."_

She looked at me for a long moment and I think she was waiting for my old tendency to cut her off but I just wanted her to get on with it. The longer she explained without shooting straight from the hip, the more my anxiety grew. _"Okay, I agree."_

_"I'm glad you do, I went to the judge on your behalf and expressed my concerns about how the separation might adversely affect your recovery. So starting tomorrow, you will be allowed to have weekly, 30 minute calls with the kids and by extension, whoever has them at the time. They will be scheduled, so that you can manage your expectations, that was a recurring theme in the notes from your therapist."_

_"Okay."_

_"After 60 days, the calls can increase to an hour and I was able to get your visitation moved back to 90 days instead of 95. Of course all of this is dependant upon your progress. The judge was impressed with your weekly progress reports and your dedication to making sure that you are providing nutrition for Daniela. I wanted you to know that I am here for you, I'm advocating for you, and that I love you so much, Nanita."_

I was in tears a I leaned in and hugged her again.

She rocked me a bit and kissed my face over and over again.

 _"How are they?"_ I asked.

_"Good, Isaac is running all over the place and Daniela is all you, eye rolling and attitude to the max. I feel like I'm seeing you all over again."_

_"Do you have any pic-pictures?"_

_"I do, I had some printed out for you but I'm not allowed to give you anything without your therapist in the room."_

_"Right."_

* * *

Mami called Dr. Clover back in and then presented me with two beautiful pictures of my babies. Isaac's hair was a nest of black curls and his face was a tan reflection of my own as he smiled with teeth. Daniela's little bush of curls was a golden brown, reminding me of a darker version of Ari's. They were so perfect and worth every bit of struggle that I needed to go through to be the best Mami that I could be.

I cried as I held onto the pictures and then tucked them into my journal.

_"So, Gladys, your daughter has made excellent strides and we have discussed the history of addiction in your family."_

Mami nodded and then pulled my hand into her lap.

_"My husband."_

_"_ _Do you know when his addiction started?"_

_"He wasn't always a huge drinker, it started after Santana was born. He always wanted a son and originally the doctors had said she was boy. Then they confirmed that she was a girl. He held out hope, had a name ready but she was a she and then I had to have a hysterectomy to save my life after she was born."_

_"You...did?"_ I asked.

 _"Yes, mi'ja. That's why you're my one and only."_ I didn't feel like it but I nodded as she squeezed my hand. _"We had plans to adopt, funny enough, Marco but then his father backed out on the arrangement. Made us his godparents instead, that was definitely the start of the drinking and abuse."_

 _"Abuse?"_ Dr. Clover said and I dropped my head. I had managed to keep the abuse from Marco and Papi to a minimum in my sessions and now, they'd be front and center.

Thanks Mami.

Mami looked at me and I nodded, then looked at Dr. Clover.

 _"There w-was a lot of abuse. Broken bones and a m-miscarriage because of it."_ I admitted and Dr. Clover began to scribble things down.

* * *

For the rest of the session, I checked out, reopening my journal to stare at my kids...letting the two adults in the room talk.

In those moments, when Mami talked about me like I wasn't there, it brought me being 19 back to the forefront.

And it should, I was just a kid still in a lot of eyes and I had no real experiences of actually getting to just be that.

I was a mom, a wife, an ex-wife and a drug addict.

Too much had happened.

And I could feel my dissent down into the dark place.

 _"C-Can we stop."_ I said, finally, not wanting to fall any deeper. _"Tell me about what's next?"_

My words had snapped Dr. Clover back to focusing solely on me.

_"Right, so our program is broken down into 30 day chunks, phases. Phase 1 the first 30 days, getting you acclimated to our program, getting you detoxed and evaluated, also, isolating you so that we can have a clear picture of who you are, what your needs are, and how we can support you."_

_"Okay. Now what?"_

_"The next 30 days are all about establishing accountability. You will be assigned a daily chore and you will spend more time in chapel and group. You will also be assigned a group of residents you can associate with. They will all be on Day 30 and going through the program at the same rate as you."_

_"So more w-work?"_

_"Yes, always."_

_"And my music?"_

_"Music is integral to your recovery, so our sessions will continue to take place in that room and I'll be tailoring your homework assignments around songwriting."_

_"Wow. Really?"_

_"Yes and of course, you'll need to be consistent in your journaling and we will discuss in detail the elements of your music that are influenced by certain parts of your life. Your daily schedule will be more fixed than it has been. Which will help you on the outside, when it comes to planning ahead and managing your expectations and triggers."_

_"Okay."_

_"Now, you have the fortune of having your mother be your lawyer, so that presents a loophole in your visitation schedule. I will permit you to spend more time today before we look at your schedule for the next 30 days, sound good?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"I think you should play something for her, we will make that today's assignment, share with your mother something that you may have always wanted to say but haven't felt the space to."_

I rolled my eyes.

 _"Big ask."_ I said.

_"You'll have the hour and then, I will see you after group."_

* * *

After the first thirty days of rehab, being insanely difficult for me because I was cut off from my kids, I couldn't imagine anything worse, especially now that I was going to be able to see them every week!

What's been hardest as the weather begins to turn is looking out the windows and seeing people walking around, knowing that I still was confined to being indoors for sixty more days.

I could deal with never being alone, I could deal with having to share my innermost thoughts with Dr. Clover, I could even deal with having CiCi around, watching my every move...what I missed was the freedom of being outside whenever I wanted to be.

After Mami left, I went to group and I listened to people drone on and on about their problems. Every day I had spoken even if it was something small and basic but that day, I was still in a trance.

I'd played Mami a song that I wrote when I was a kid, something simple... ** _nobody loves me, everybody hates me, that's why I'm alone, because I'm weak, meak, and shy. nobody loves me, everybody hates me, that's why I'd rather die._ **I had written those words after Ari had been cut out of my life and I was home alone most of the time.

Mami just looked at me with a cold expression and told me that I was remembering the past wrong, that she had been home most nights but I never wanted to be around her. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It was with that on my brain that I declined when my name was called in group and when we said a prayer at the end, I refused to stand.

My mother's visit had set me back and it was then that I realized just why they restrict visitation for 90 days...I hadn't been ready for her.

 _"Mrs. Lopez."_ Craig called for me.

 _"Yes?"_ I muttered as I stopped just feet from the door. Everyone moved around me and left me alone with Craig for the first time since he had delivered me from that padded room.

 _"Is everything alright, you seem out of it? I understand you had a visitor, is your change in demeanor related to that?"_ He looked skeptical and I should have recognized why but I wasn't thinking.

_"No. Can I go?"_

He shook his head. _"No, I believe a visit to Officer Coleman is in order."_

 _"Fuck, why man?"_ I snapped at him.

_"Mrs. Lopez...Santana, anytime a patient acts out of character, especially directly after a visit, it raises red flags. You understand?"_

_"Sure, let's go then."_ I muttered.

He kept side eyeing me as we walked towards intake, back to that room where Officer Coleman was. Since I had arrived, I'd always peed in front of CiCi and then she'd take it to Officer Coleman.

Now though it seemed like things needed to be escalated, yay!

* * *

Craig followed me into the little office and then, like the first day, blocked the door but I just stood there in front of the desk.

 _"He wants me to get t-tests."_ I said to her and she looked past me, to Craig.

_"Everything okay?"_

_"Just want to make sure things are okay, she had a visitor and showed up to group, out of character."_

_"For one d-day I just didn't feel like talking. You're just being an asshole t-today."_ I snapped at him.

 _"See what mean."_ He said to Officer Coleman.

She looked annoyed but she grabbed a cup from her drawer and handed it to me.

 _"You know the deal."_ She said and I took the cup, without snatching and peed without preamble.

While I washed my hands, Officer Coleman had me sit down next to her desk. _"I'm going to test it now, before you leave."_

 _"Just in case you need to ar-arrest me?"_ I said with a sigh.

 _"Exactly. So try to relax while I get this going."_ Thankfully the chair faced the back wall and I could ignore Craig and his _"helpful"_ nature. Screw that guy. _"Craig, might be good to call her counselor while we wait. You can go, she's not going anywhere."_

Craig left and I was able to breathe.

My test came back negative. Dr. Clover met me at the door, instead of Craig and even she looked irritated.

 _"Every visitor is searched upon arrival, he knows that, I'm sorry that Craig jumped the gun a bit."_ She said as we walked towards her office.

_"It's fine."_

_"Things didn't go well with your mom?"_

_"No and it's my fault."_

_"Why do you say that?"_

_"I should have m-managed my expectations of her. She n-never changes and I always expect her to."_

_"That Santana, is very common, we expect for the people we love to change for the better if they have wronged us but that doesn't always happen."_

_"M-Marco changed."_

_"Look how long that took and look how that ended up."_

The sting of her words snapped me back to how I had been before Mami showed her face.

I was able to shift my focus as we sat in her office again and I felt so grateful for her.

Maybe therapy wasn't so bad.

* * *

When we got to Dr. Clover's office, CiCi was sitting there with my dinner tray and a soft smile on her face.

_"They had curly fries today, couldn't let you miss out."_

_"You're my hero."_ I said to her and we fist bumped as I sat on the couch next to her.

Dr. Clover thumbed through my file and then placed it on the coffee table before moving over to a locked cabinet and pulling out two pill bottles. She placed them on the table and then looked at me.

 _"Are you ready to discuss?"_ She asked, picking my file back up.

I nodded as I swirled a fry around in ketchup and then popped it in my mouth.

 _"Verbal."_ CiCi nudged me. I sighed.

_"Yes."_

_"Good. I've had meetings with your medical team, as you know and we talked about your surgeries, your prescribed therapies, and medication management."_

_"Okay, I kn-know I've missed things."_ I admitted.

_"You have, some of that is because of bereavement and some of it is because you are here. Before we build your schedule, we need to address your recovery physically as well. We want to make sure that we are taking care of you as a whole person, so your going to start physical and speech therapy as well as your court ordered parenting classes. There is a consensus that you are indeed dealing with postpartum depression, on a large scale. Two pregnancies in a calendar year, combined with multiple losses have taken a toll and caused some of your breakdown. Would you agree?"_

I drank down some of my water and then nodded.

_"Yes."_

_"So we are going to start you on an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety. Your primary would like you to stay on your anti-seizure medication to combat any reactions to the antidepressant. As with any prescribed medication, you will be monitored when taking them. These bottles will stay in this room with me. They have also been cleared to be safe while nursing."_

_"Okay, good."_

_"Are you opposed to anything I just said?"_

_"Nope."_

_"Okay, then let's get you scheduled. Hopefully all the good chores aren't taken."_ She said as she looked down at her tablet _. "I already made sure that you weren't assigned kitchen duty, given your history with food."_

_"Thank you, Doc. You h-have really made my day better."_

_"That's one of things I love about my job."_

* * *

**_ Day 31 _ **

**_April 29, 2013_ **

**_Good Morning Henry,_ **

**_It's just past midnight on my thirty-first day._ **

**_I just had my first day, on a new schedule with new medication and a chore. I got floor duty, leave it to a Catholic rehab to make manual labor harder. Instead of a mop, I am cleaning floors with a bucket, a sponge, and scrub brush._ **

**_When I say floors, I do mean every hallway in the whole place. I'm required to clean for six hours every day, three in the morning and three at night. After one day, my hands are cramping as I write this but I feel a sense of emptiness, stillness._ **

**_So maybe this is all purposeful._ **

**_I was supposed to be allowed a call with the kids today but everyone was busy. Doc got in contact with Britt, she promised to call today and I'm so anxious for it that while e_ ** **_veryone else is asleep and I am supposed to be too...I can't. Today is the day that I can finally talk to Britt again. I need to know how things are going back at home. I need to feel like I still have my network. What if Britt's found someone new? What if everyone has given up on me? How am I supposed to know?_ **

**_How can I manage these expectations?_ **

**_I have done everything asked of me._ **

**_I participate daily and now I can think of cocaine and not wish that I could have some._ **

**_That's progress because even when I stopped before, I still craved the high, the taste on my gums, the burn in my nose. Now though...I don't want it as much. The cravings are still there but they are way more manageable._ **

**_I am starting to become more centered on my faith and plus...I have you! In my mind I imagine that you look a lot like Isaac when he's a man. It helps me to stay honest with you because I never want to lie to my children about who I am._ **

**_After morning prayer and breakfast, I'll have a scheduled half hour to call with Britt. She set up the time with Dr. Clover, so I know that she will be available. I hope that I can talk to her every week from now on!_ **

**_Okay...I'm being glared at by CiCi because I have the light on...so I'm going to attempt sleep._ **

**_I'll let you know how the call goes!_ **

**_P.S...Things are starting to look up._ **

**_Santana_ **

* * *

_"How are your expectations?"_ Dr. Clover asked as we waited for the call to come through.

_"Higher th-than I'd like."_

_"I appreciate your honesty. Take a moment to pray while we wait."_

I dropped my head and prayed for some kind of level headedness and patience but then the phone rang and all that went out the window.

 _"Ana!"_ B said as I picked up on the first ring.

 _"Hey, B."_ I felt shy at first...go figure!

_"It's so great to hear your voice!"_

_"It's great to he-"_ I was cut off.

 _"Dionne! No...come on...come see me later...the wife is on the phone...yes..."_ I heard her cover the receiver but it didn't cover that laugh she does when she's flirting. I swallowed my immediate pang of jealousy and waited. Then her cheery voice popped back on the line. _"Sorry about that."_

That was all the explanation that she offered. I sighed and sat back against the big red couch. Dr. Clover was observing me while filling out paperwork as the phone sat on speaker.

_"It's fine B. Are you at w-work?"_

_"Yea...I had planned to be home but then Tony had a family emergency, so I came in an hour early. I thought I locked my door but apparently I didn't."_

_"It's fine. So tell me how you're doing?"_

_"Great! The show is..."_ she went on and on about the show for a whole ten minutes before taking a breath. The clock was ticking and I only got one phone call a week until day 60. Needless to say, I was getting insanely annoyed. _"Anyway...enough about me...how is your recovery going?"_

That's a loaded question to ask anyone recovering from an addiction.

We all have good days and bad days.

Even people who have been clean for decades had those not so good days.

_"T_ _oday is a g-good day. M-Most have been."_

_"Yea? That's amazing."_ she seemed preoccupied.

_"Are you okay, B?"_

_"Um...yea...sorry...I have a crap load of emails...I was just checking them...annnnd...I'm done. Okay. I'm so sorry!"_

_"It's fine."_

_"No it's not. I'm probably annoying the shit out of you...Ugh...I've just been buried in work for the show. Plus with being at the hospital every day for the last week...it just threw me totally off schedule."_

My heart dropped and was rolling around in the pit of my stomach. This whole conversation was bringing feelings of angst back to the fore and I was really not liking it. This was not what I had expected.

_"Hospital? Is everything alright?"_

_"Oh...right. I'm so scattered. Yea...Izzy got really sick, he's fine now."_

My heart was racing, how come Mami hadn't told me?

 _"Are you s-sure?"_ Tears were rushing to my eyes and from the look on her face, I could tell that Dr. Clover was going to have a lot to say and I had no answers for her.

_"Yup, he's perfect now."_

_"Okay that's good."_

_"Yea it is. Soooo guess what?"_

_"Something ex-exciting I hope."_

_"Dani is crawling."_ My jaw dropped.

 _"Sh-She is?!"_ I said in shock.

_"I know it's fast, she's only 4 months...but she has been going_ _for three weeks now. It's so amazing to see. She gets better everyday!"_

I sucked in a deep breath, trying my damnedest to hold back the tears that were now pooling in my eyes. I had missed my baby crawling. I had known it would happen but knowing that it did and I wasn't there because of my stupid fucking addiction...it made me feel so powerless.

 _"Yea...did I miss an-anything else?"_ I squeaked out.

_"Dani also says Ma now. It's so cute...I can't wait for you to see her and Izzy...he talks in more full sentences and it sounds so clear. Little Johnny was over for the weekend with Sandra and they were just gabbing back and forth. It was insane...I recorded it for you."_

_"You did?"_

_"Yes! I tried to record what I could. I know how hard it is for you to miss stuff and-"_ she was cut off again and I could hear the muffle of her hand over the phone again. _"What did I fucking tell you, D? Yes, I'm still on the phone! It's been a month...look...yea I know that! I know but...fuck fine...come in...sit down and shut the fuck up...okay?"_ I heard more mumbling and then a door shut.

When Britt finally got back on the line we had reached the twenty-five minute mark and I felt like I didn't really get to hear enough about what was going on at home. It was scraps.

 _"B...if you need to go...it's okay."_ I said when I heard her pick up the phone again.

_"No...Dionne can wait."_

_"It's fine...we only have five m-minutes left anyway. Go h-handle stuff...we can talk next week. Okay?"_

_"Okay...fine. I love you Ana."_

_"I love you too, B."_

* * *

She hung up and I was left sitting there feeling so many emotions. For the first time...my mind went back to the numbness of the drugs. I threw the phone clear across the room and collapsed in tears on the couch. I buried my face in the pillows and sobbed. I was so angry it felt like I was going to explode.

After talking at length about that phone call with Dr. Clover, I wasn't allowed to talk to Britt for another two weeks.

I wasn't ready to talk to her just as much as I hadn't been ready to see Mami. I sat on that couch rubbing my palms together and dealing with tremors which upset me even more.

The addiction was alive in me and there was no way that I could possibly be over it in thirty days. It had rooted itself in my psyche for so long that it was hard to overcome in such a short time.

I spent those two weeks in therapy and on my knees scrubbing the floors even harder.

On the last day of my two weeks as I was scrubbing the hallway floor until I could see my reflection, I realized how exhaustively empty my head was. I sat there on my knees after I was finished and just zoned out. This was that mind numbing euphoria I only found just after an intense orgasm or a really good high.

Except...I had neither of those things and here I was.

Empty.

It was then that I saw the purpose of the heavy labor.

I had always seen Sandra cleaning her house from top to bottom every Saturday and I thought she was insane...she could afford a maid but she insisted that she do it all on her own. I understood her so much more now.

The military had taught her how to clear her mind through hard work.

Now rehab was helping me to understand the same principle.

I felt prepared to talk to Britt the next day. I had a feeling that this time, I would be more prepared to deal with the changes that had been going on.

* * *

After lowering my expectations, I showed up in Dr. Clover's office two weeks later with my journal and the pictures of my kids. I hadn't been able to see them during the last call because Britt had work, this one though was a video chat because Dr. Clover knew I wouldn't toss a whole laptop.

So I sat on the other side of her desk with the laptop facing me.

I was nervous to see Britt but had prepared myself.

What I hadn't expected was that it wouldn't be my wife but my oldest sister looking back at me instead.

Apparently Britt had an important meeting to get to so she asked Sandra to call me. As bad as it may sound, the moment that I heard my sister's voice I felt relieved that I got to talk to her instead of my wife.

We had a real conversation about everything. It was what I had needed two weeks prior. She told me what I needed to hear and only told me certain things if I asked. She didn't mention any family drama, which was great!

Again, I didn't see my kids awake but my sister had shown me them while they slept in the nursery at her house.

They looked double the size they had been in the pictures and I blew them kisses that they couldn't see.

 _"Thanks."_ I said to my sister once she was back in her office.

_"Anything for you, Ana...anything."_

We had been about to end the phone call when her facade broke, she let out a sigh.

 _"Talk to me sis."_ I said, seeing that she was holding back.

_"Look, I don't want to make your recovery time worse but I feel like you knowing what's going on while you have people to help you...is a good idea."_

_"Is it about B?"_ I looked her straight in the eye and saw the truth there.

_"Yea. For the most part."_

Dr. Clover saw my distress and began to move around the desk to be at my side.

 _"Hold on, sis."_ I waited for Dr. Clover to sit, not really surprised that she was inserting herself. She had already warned me that if I was in distress that she was going to make her presence known.

* * *

 _"Sandra? It's Dr. Clover. I'm going to sit in on this part, okay?"_ She was just asking her to be nice but neither of us really had a choice.

 _"Oh that's good. Can I talk now?"_ she said, sounding exhausted.

_"Go on."_

_"Britt had put the kids in daycare because of the show out of the blue. At first I was going to allow the daycare but I know how you feel about it. Anyway, I stopped by the house and it was a pigsty and there were a bunch of people staying there...so I took the kids. She doesn't see them much. Twice a week. Britt can do whatever she wants you know but Izzy is getting older and he is always looking for you and Brittany."_

_"Is she off her meds?"_

_"I'm not sure but you should just know that Quinn and I are planning to talk to her about it. I just thought that you should know about it. I'm sorry to tell you...it's just...ugh...I'm sorry."_

_"She is um..."_ I took a deep breath and looked at Dr. Clover. She nodded in agreement that this would be a good opportunity to lay my fears about that girl to if I told her to explore, I didn't think she'd actually do it. _"Is she seeing s-someone?"_

 _"Oh...are you referring to Dionne?"_ My heart sped up. Sandra knew her name.

_"Yea."_

_"No need to worry about her. Britt is still faithful to you...Ari has been keeping an eye out on things at the theater. Apparently Dionne has a bit of a crush on Brittany. That's it."_

_"Oh...and that's it?"_

_"Yes...I visited and could see how annoyed Britt was with the way Dionne was clinging to her. I thought it was just for show but Ari tells me that Britt is always annoyed with her and snapping at her."_

_"Oh ok."_

_"Look Ana, I'm trying my best to make sure that you have something to come home to. You just need to worry about getting better because your kids need you...more than us...more than Brittany. Okay?"_

_"Thank you Sandra."_ I whispered as I brushed my hands through my hair. I was feeling a little more relieved and knew that as long as I had people on the outside taking care of things, that I would be able to handle anything that came my way.

Recovery first, then the rest.


End file.
